Sunny Sunday

For the first time in a very long time (and I'm so not proud of this, but being totally honest) I was actually wanting to go to church. I don't know why I've been struggling with it so much again lately, but I have. Today I was up and ready to go and happy to be there. The sermon was, well, just for me. It was about Jesus and the disciples on the boat in the storm. Yeah, perfect timing. I didn't get any answers and I doubt God is going to let me out of this one, but it is comforting to know that He knows where I am and that He will help me get through the storm. I just sat there crying and asked Him to let the storm pass as quickly as possible and not let me drown in the waves. And, God, whatever it is that I am needing to learn, please help me to get it and pass this test.

My lesson plans were done last night! :) :) :) For those who don't live with me, you might not know how big this is. Believe me it is BIG! This school year I have been working all day on Sundays to come up with my lesson plans, find and/or create learning materials for the week, and differentiate all my lessons and learning stations for my kids' many needs. Thanks to a killer work session on Friday afternoon/evening with a colleague, and her kindness in sharing without my asking, I was able to tackle that job last night. :) :) :) Hopefully I helped her as much as she helped me. I was able to have grad class yesterday, get groceries, cook a Mexican meatball/veggie soup for supper, and then tackle lesson plans - all on Saturday! :)

So today, I took a thirty minute nap and have been cutting paper and card stock and working on cards. I cooked my favorite pasta salad (Fiesta Pasta Salad) tonight too. :)

For the rest of tonight, I am going to grade this huge stack of papers that has been staring at me and work on these cards I started, and head to bed early if I can. Only eight days until my parents will be headed to NC, and to say I am excited- well that would be the understatement of the century!

Have a great week!

Getting excited!!!

My Momma and Pop will be here in just a few more days. I can HARDLY wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They haven't seen our home yet, and we haven't seen them in a long time. We miss them terribly, so this is going to be such a HUGE blessing for us! Thank you Momma & Pop for coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been slowly buying my Thanksgiving foodstuff - already have the turkey, pumpkin pie fixings, stuff for spinach supreme. I have grad class this weekend, but next will find me finishing my shopping and starting some baking. :)

We spent today doing some fall cleaning. I finally took time to get to the closet that had become piled. Matthew was a dear and helped me a lot on top of cleaning windows inside and dusting all the ceiling fans! Barbara deep cleaned our kitchen cabinet doors with furniture oil, and now they shine. :) Matthew even offered to buy us supper out so we didn't have to cook. What a sweet young man he is growing up to be!!!! So we ended the afternoon with our favorite Mexican restaurant down the road- Rio Grande. Yummmmy! Robert got off his day job in time today to join us, and we laughed sooo hard. I so enjoyed having us all together- it doesn't happen often now.

Tonight found me doing grad homework. I'm very sleepy and think I'll head to bed now. One more day of work, then grad school weekend and preparing for another work week. Then my time with my family will be almost here. Going to cherish EVERY SINGLE moment of that time!

Words just cannot say...

just how low I am feeling tonight. I am apparently a jerk to my coworkers and had no idea. Here I thought I was trying hard to work alongside them, support and get along with others. Once again I am a problem. The thing that hurts the most is that I really had no idea that I was being such a difficult person, and in fact thought I was being a good teammate. And to hear that they are discussing me behind my back. :( Wow. That just hurts.

I have two students who steal from me constantly, and today one was bragging TO MY FACE about how he steals from me and I can't catch him. I break up fights daily and deal with the drama and I am SICK to death of it all. Today I was told to "f- off" by one kid and another kid told my 19 year old volunteer daughter "f- you." One kid walked around my room shouting at me "You are mean!" and another calling me "You are stupid." All while I was trying to teach. I give up.

I am looking for a job- ANY job that will pay my bills. I was made to be a teacher, and I cannot imagine me being happy doing something else, but I am deeply hurt and frustrated. I used to think I was a nice person, but right now I just want to turn into a turtle, go in my shell and never come out.

God

So thankful for God and for His unconditional love.

He doesn't give up on you, even when others do.

He doesn't keep a record of wrongs, even though He, of all beings, has every right to.

He doesn't burden you with guilt over wrongs or supposed-wrongs.

He doesn't turn His back on you, or betray you. In fact, He promised to never leave or forsake.

He loves me. There is no "he loves me not" bit- even though I am queen of feeling like He might not. I don't deserve His love, but He gives it to me anyway.

And tonight, I am so thankful for that and so in need of it. I wish He could just come down here to my house in G'boro, and give me a hug.

Love my family!

Thank God for home and weekends with my family. That about wraps it up.

Been a tough week. But today the sun is shining, and I got to watch our oldest help Rob install the dishwasher, which came today. It was sooooo neat to watch the two of them work on it together and to see our son doing the wiring. It feels so nice to see him doing what he wanted to do and know we helped him get there. That feeling of pride and satisfaction is so worth all the hard days of raising him!!!!

I have to get on to the groceries, supper, cleaning & restoring the kitchen, schoolwork, grad work, life in general. Hope to catch my sister on Skype later. Just started doing that this week, and I love it! I'm off now to go get groceries and a turkey!!!!! My Momma & Pop will be here in 17 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, but hey- who's counting? ;) I am so excited to see them, and give them a TON of hugs and love and get some Momma hugs and her shoulder to cry on for a tiny little bit. I miss my family horribly. I am very thankful to God that they are getting to come be with us and see our home and just be together for a little while.

Have a good weekend all!

nothing much

I don't have much time- schoolwork is screaming at me to be done and I haven't touched grad school assignments yet this week- I'm in serious trouble! I just feel bad because I haven't had much to say lately on here, and I wish I did.

I try to stay positive, but am just not feeling it tonight. I am tired (very, very tired- I stayed home from school yesterday and actually slept all day- something I NEVER EVER do!), a bit discouraged- okay, a lot, and frustrated at some behaviors from kids and adults.

I know things will be better another day, and I know I can survive. I keep saying, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I just honestly don't want to do all things through Christ sometimes. I want an easier path just now at this moment. I want to throw myself down in the floor, kick my feet, and scream really, REALLY loudly! :) What a sight that would make. :) Hahahahaha.

Well, enough pity party and on to the papers to grade, PEP's to write, math report cards & reading report cards to make, lesson plans, and professional self-evaluation (oh what a thrill that's going to be on this sour-puss night), and grad school- well, it won't be happening again tonight.

On a happy note though- I am getting a dishwasher! :) :) :) Cannot wait! Saved my summer institute $ that didn't get paid until last month and with just a little of our money this month, we are going to replace the one that broke shortly after moving in here. It's the cheapest one Lowe's had, but I am just grateful to have one. So thankful for that. It will help a lot to have that!!!!!

Bye all! Hope you have a great end to your week and an even better weekend! Fall is finally here in NC, and in less than three weeks I will see my Momma & Pop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((hugs)))

Beka :)

Mountains!!!!

Happy 18th birthday Matthew Lane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know the photos are not the best, and they didn't scan in too well since a certain soon-to-be-18-year-old did them and didn't want to redo them. :) :) :) But I wanted to post a few photos tonight. I want to share the memories of Matthew's birth-day another day soon. It went so differently than we envisioned it at the time, and he almost didn't survive, but thanks to God, he is still here. The hospital he was airlifted to told us at discharge that we'd have to keep a close eye on him as he would be "puny, sickly and have a lot of health problems." I'll let you judge for yourself how that turned out below. :)

This is Matthew at about 2 weeks. We went back to the hospital he was born at to get his newborn photos. All our babies wore that outfit at discharge- a St. Louis Blues t-shirt we got when I was pregnant the 1st time and a knitted sweater that was made by Rob's grandma.

These two photos are my favorites of Matthew!

And now, my 6'5" "puny" boy!

Thank you Father for being with us that day 18 years ago. For keeping me safe as I was in labor all day long & as I delivered. For keeping Matthew safe through delivery and in those hours immediately afterwards when he was so in danger and we didn't know how bad it was yet, for the hospital that took him, for the chopper team that took care of him in flight and helped him get to St. Louis, for all those that cared for my baby and helped him when he was so very sick. Thank you for my Pop who went over and sat with him, talked to him, told him about his family, took photos of him for me, and let him know he was loved while I was still in the hospital or home with the other two babies. For being with us in that very bleak, stressful time when we had two little ones under 2, one baby in NICU, and a parent in ICU in critical condition. What an awful time that was for Rob & I!

Thank you Father for getting to bring my baby home (oh, how I remember all those other families up there with babies so much sicker than mine, many of whom never came home). And God, thank you so very, very much for EVERY single day of the past 18 years of our lives. Thank you for the blessing of being a mom and for every trial, hard time, good time, in-between-time and everything else. Thank you God!

baby shower cards

I finally finished all the cards for my sister's baby shower next week. I had to wait to share them for a while so people could receive them, but now I can finally share. I just wish I could go home to be there for the fun.

God's creation :)

Look what I found just off my drive when I came home from work this afternoon! SOOOO neat! I was all "up in his space" trying to get some good photos of him since I didn't want to disturb him, but I have to show my class tomorrow plus my family. :) I'm sure he was hurrying off to prepare for the cool fall & winter days coming our way.

the 1st of the lasts

Tonight was Matthew's first concert of the 10-11 school year- his senior year. The first of the "lasts" in this phase of our parenting lives- not just Matthew's last year in school, but the last year of any kids in public school for Rob & I, our last year as parents of a minor child, our last year of high school, band concerts, sports- this is it.

A weeee bit (okay, a big bit) emotional for me. I was married at 17, a mom at 19 and have been a mom more of my life than not. It's truly about all I know. And now this phase is coming to an end.

But as I sat and watched my son (my 6'5" baby boy) through my camera, I could only think one thing, "Thank you God." All these years with Matthew almost didn't happen, and I am very mindful of that. Very mindful.

So, I somewhat tearfully embrace this year- this year of lasts, and don't you let me forget to say "Thank You" for every one of them.

(((hugs)))

Rebekah :)

Missing being here :(

Life just doesn't seem to be getting any slower. Work is getting insane, truly. We are now having mandatory required meetings/afternoon/evening commitments two, three, four nights a week. Then since I have all that after school every day, I cannot get my own work done, so I've been putting in some super late nights on Fridays to have papers graded & filed, that lovely white board cleaned (hahaha) and prepared for learning stations the next week. Weekends are busy catching up or trying to.

One thing I am really excited about is that I finished my sister's invites (oh so pretty too!), made baby announcements for another person, and now have a custom order for baby shower invites for another coworker. :) :) :) That and I have to do my sister's thank you cards too, so I am keeping busy on that front. Hoping to be able to figure out how to make a custom listing on etsy for baby things- might be a money-maker. Plus I need to start making Christmas card sets too. Sooo much to do. :)

I'm truly not complaining, just wanted the few who come visit me to know I miss you, and am thinking of you! Hope you are all doing well, and I hope to have something worth sharing soon, like maybe I can post photos of my creations. Until then, have a great week!!!

Rebekah :)

What's that? Is it the light at the end of the tunnel?

I have worked like a crazy woman this weekend! Stayed late at school again Friday night (9:30) for the third weekend in a row. But at least this week, Rob came and kept me company and did his schoolwork while I worked on mine. Worked all day Saturday on grad school, and got slightly caught up. Breathed a major sigh of relief at that! Then today I worked long and hard on school. I am spending all day on Sundays to get lesson plans, learning stations, and everything else I need prepared. I hope this pace stops soon.

I have to work on some card business things this week- HAVE to! And I have to keep busy on grad school since I'm still pretty far behind. Hopefully I can get all the way caught up this week. And then there's bills to pay and October's menu to prepare this week. Going to be another busy week. :)

I am not going to be babysitting regularly for now. I will miss my buddies a lot, but it's probably for the best right now. With all the pressure and demands we are facing at school, it was going to be a problem sooner than later, I am afraid. And, it will help this family out too, so that's wonderful.

So that leaves me just my mom/wife job, teaching, Donors Choose job, and grad school. Yeah, "that's all." :)

Okay, I've got to go pack up two orders & a giveaway package for shipping, and get to bed. 5:45 is going to come early.

Have a great week everyone!!!!

Whew!

I HAVE to go to bed- it is already 11 PM. But I wanted to quick post a couple "Whew!" moments for myself.

• I finished my sister's baby shower invites last night/this morning at 1 AM!!! Hooray!!! By far the biggest, most involved single project I've done, and I am in love with my little card. I can't show them yet, but when the shower comes, I will be posting it.

• I am seriously behind in this semester's grad course- it's getting to the "I'm in trouble" point, and if I'd had a couple of my other profs, I'd now be failing the course, but thank God for an understanding, very laid-back prof this semester. Truly God knows what we need, and I needed that this semester with a major grade change, taking on a babysitting job and Donors Choose job and the rest of my busy life. Thanks God, I'm truly thankful!!!!!

• I got my first grade back for this semester, and it was an excellent grade and the prof was extremely complimentary to me about my work, so whew again, and yup- thanks once more dear God!

• I'm getting over this sinus crud, and except for a horrible incident at a fast food joint in the "hood" yesterday which I will spare you the details of, I am finally getting better. Still coughing, still congested, but not nearly as bad as it was three or four days ago. Again, thank you Father!

So, now I'm off to bed- lesson plans done (except for guided reading, but I am making a change in the room and am going to play the "Enforcer" tomorrow in the place of guided reading). My kids last week (over half of them) lied about doing their week's work so they could have Fun Friday. I found incomplete papers shoved in the garbage can where kids thought they'd be sneaky. Soooo, this week- no more Mrs. Nice Guy. Boy, this 3rd grade world is so way different. I'm understanding that old advice teachers give about "Don't let them see you smile until December..." I notice I don't smile as often as I used to, but overall it is getting better. I just can't let my guard down.

Night world. Hope you all have a wonderful week. In spite of the garbage from "above," I am hoping to have one too.

Saturday Nothings

my random, or not so random, thoughts today:

• God please comfort those who lost personally nine years ago today. Please be with them today as they mourn and remember; let them find You there in the midst of their sorrow and pain.
• God please be with those who are lost and don't know it; send a light in a dark place- no matter the nation or place. Help those who are called by Your name to be mindful of Your great love & mercy; remind us to be kind to all those around us, no matter their religion, creed, race and help us all to remember that You love the world and died for the world- each and every one of us.
• I am really sick with something horribly icky. :( Not a good way to spend a weekend, but I am grateful it is the weekend and hopeful that I will be much improved come Monday morning. I CANNOT miss work this year!
• I am super-duper excited because Sonic picked up my "Pix for Learning" project for a document camera and finished the funding $581 worth!!! Thank you to all of you who voted for me at the Limeades for Learning site; I had over 200 votes in about a week!!!! Please go look up Rob's grant "Videos for America" (search for NC, Kernersville) or Dona's "Learning with Projection" (search for NC, High Point) or Lisha's "On Fire with Literacy" (search for NC, Craven County). You can vote with every email address you have each day from now until Sept. 30. Please go vote each day and help out a teacher you love or feel free to vote for one of these I care for! Thanks soooo much! :)
• I started a Giving Page with Donors Choose. I know I'm not Miss Popularity and that I don't have tons of bloggie friends, but in the hopes that I can help someone out as I have been helped and blessed, I posted many grant requests from my hubby, his school, my school (but not me), my cousin, and some schools near where I used to teach back in "highly impacted" part of that community- where I left a small piece of my heart. I hope someone will look through it, give as much or as little as they can, and even more importantly be inspired to pass on the link(s) and share a proposal with another who might, in turn, give or pass it on. Who knows where it might go and who might be drawn to help a child they don't know and make a BIG difference in the life of a child.
• Lastly, I had a very bad ending to the week with a visit from someone who was less-than-impressed with me. I feel a little attacked to be honest, and very, deeply hurt. Though I am down, I am not out for the count, and I will NOT let some outside person determine the success of my students or myself. I will rise, with my God's help, to the occasion and come back fighting again on Monday.

With lots of love for God, my family & friends, and those blog friends I have made,

Your Beka :)

Available for Hire

Available for hire: One experienced, but slightly disgruntled & hurt teacher. Any takers???

What to do when you have taught as long as I, aren't fit to do anything but teach, are decent at it & don't really want to do anything else? What to do when your best is never, ever going to be enough? When no one even notices a single positive thing about you or your class, let alone the growth in the students or you in just a short, short time? When strangers who don't even know you as a teacher, observe you unannounced, don't take time to share what they observed, or allow you to share your planning or thoughts, or take time to get to know a single thing about you except what they want to see? And if you DARE to offer any added info, you're just making excuses.

I go back to how I treat my kids. I would never treat my kids this way. Somehow, somewhere, we teachers have become these "monsters" in the view of many, and I am so deeply hurt tonight. How I can ever do this for the number of years I have left to retirement is beyond me. I'd pack up & go overseas if God would let me. Maybe they'd take a big fat, corny, big-hearted teacher and not mind her if she had a less than perfectly clean white board, one missing EQ, or any other # of faults my current employers seem to find in me.

God, please come down and help me. I can't do this anymore and it hurts so much more than I can say. :(

For my teacher friends

Limeades for Learning- please vote

Sonic is doing their "Limeades for Learning" run again this year, only it's better because you don't have to purchase a drink. You can go to this site and vote every day with only your email address. It is really super easy & takes just a minute each day.

Please go visit, find a grant request you like and give it your vote every day. You'll be surprised how much good you'll do and how happy you will make one classroom!

If you are looking for a teacher/classroom to vote for :) :) :), I just happen to know of one or two. Ha ha!

I have three grants up right now, but the one I'm putting all my votes on is my more expensive one for a document camera ("Pix for Learning")- search by location for NC, High Point. My cousin, Lisha, has three up too- search by location for NC, Craven County. You can also find all my fellow AJE teachers' grants by searching for NC, High Point. I can't find Rob's up there right now- going to check on that. Maybe he's gotten funded. :)

Thanks again!!!

tired

Yeah, I know what I said here. And in my heart of hearts, that is so what I feel about the children & families at my school.

But I have to say, it's the stupid 6th day of school, and here goes the same old theme. Feel free to stop reading now, because it's not like I haven't whined about this before and probably will again. I just need to get it off my chest, as it were. The junk is about to start again, and I'm just so tired. Tired of being blamed, tired of working yourself to death never being enough, tired of late nights not being late enough to do what "they" want, tired of the sacrificial spending & giving I and my colleagues do not being recognized, appreciated, or acknowledged, or when it is, it's done in some "yeah, but" kind of way, tired of being condescended to by people who didn't teach long enough to really know what they are talking about or who stunk at it when they did so they now do something else.

Tired, plain & simple.

I don't know if I can do this much longer. But what else am I fit to do?

Fourth Day of School

I am already back in that stay up late working like a crazy person mode. :( And I am feeling a wee bit frustrated with some of my students, and a whole lot frustrated at me that this beginning of the year is not going perfectly. I find myself worrying that the well-behaved ones are going to hate me and be miserable and that the kids who need more help are not going to get better. I know it will all get better, but can't it just get better now??? Pretty please with sugar on top? :)

I had things rolling into a better day and then it all went haywire at the end- really haywire. Grrr.... I hate this schedule we were given- it's awful!!! I try to be flexible but I need a routine, let alone the kids.

I will keep learning and working on it until it gets better. Third graders are definitely different creatures in many ways, yet they are amazingly not any better than little ones in many other ways. Hmmm, who'd a thunk it? :) hahahaha

Good news though? The heartburn is waaaaay better- and I am finding a technique (prayer & something that I feel silly sharing but it works) that helps when I start to feel it, so that it is one HUGE :) for the day!