Summer 2014- Part 1 :) to Illinois once again

Summer started with Matthew and Barbara challenging me to a game of Sorry.  As usual, Matthew wins! :)

Rob & I headed out immediately after our work on the last day to head to Illinois to see my family.  I ADORE my niece; being an aunt is just beyond words!  This kid loves her Uncle Rob too!

Oh Iowa & Illinois, how I miss you sometimes!

"my" river- I miss this river too! 

An awesome rainbow while we were there!  Plus I found out that my phone would take panoramic shots- who knew! :)

Fighting back...

I may be fed up, angry, hurting...

BUT...

I am also fighting back. This last year, especially, I have been in the gym faithfully (except for a couple periods of a week or two where grad school was insane!) 4-6 times a week.  I work with a trainer, and I work out on my own.  I work out HARD too, and I leave the gyms most days soaked in sweat and nauseous like you wouldn't believe from my workouts.  The scale moved a lot, but then has stuck, but I haven't quit even though I get really ticked at the scale and me many days.  I am NOT a quitter so I keep going.

I finished my degree, and even when the going got tough and I doubted I would make it, I didn't quit but kept plugging away at it.  While working full time and going to the gym and trying (not sure I was much good) to be part of a family.

I made a work change trying to help myself combat signs of burn-out, and I am not sure how that will all play out in the end.  I needed a change and was very blessed in many ways this year by amazing parent support.  The school atmosphere was very different in many positive ways, but it is not easy being the new one or the outsider.  Not sure if it will be better this next year or not.  I am not a fan of loneliness, and I definitely felt lonely many, many days.

I'm still fighting.  I'm still telling that "evil Rebekah" that the way she sees things isn't always true or accurate, that she isn't all that junk she thinks she is, that it doesn't matter what others say/think/do, what matters is how I live my life on a daily basis.  I am trying oh so hard to stay focused on the positive things in my life:

• God is love so I might just have a chance if I fix some things and keep trying.
• My husband's love has never failed me.  He has been with me through so many things and I know I can trust him with my true self.
• My kids have grown up into fine young adults.  I am so very proud of who they are.  They are each unique, amazing people who add to my life and bring me so much joy.  I am so grateful I got to be their mom. 
• I am an aunt to Zoe.  Those five few words mean the world to me!!!!
• I have loved and been loved by hundreds of kids in my time as a teacher.  Not too many people can say that.  I just pray that the love and care I've been able to share has truly made a life-long difference.
• I have an extended family who has taught me much and given me many wonderful memories, and I hope that I can continue to be as much a part of their lives as is possible from 1,000 miles away.
• My needs are met and many, many of my wants. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, a job to pay the bills, a vehicle to get me where I need to go.  
• I live in a country that gives me freedom and rights that are not found in many other places. I am able to make choices for myself and my life that many women in the past and in the present all over the world don't get to make.
• I have only to look around me and see God's beautiful creation all around, from the flat prairie-land/farmland of the Midwest that I get to visit once in a while, to the mountains and ocean of the East and the beauties to found in many other places I hope to visit.  From the beautiful sunrises and sunsets to the amazing moon and stars that shine at night.  The owl that I hear in our neighborhood sometimes and the cicadas and crickets that sing at night.  Butterflies, cardinals and bluebirds, dragonflies, flowers, oh so many, many flowers....  and in the smiles and laughter of children. God's beauty is all around me, and I try to take a moment each day to enjoy some of it.
• In the end, I see the best and worst of humanity on any average day.  As a teacher I've seen and heard a lot, and I know that I have a lot, so very, very much, to be thankful for.  And I am.

I will not quit this fight of mine.  Though I get discouraged, get very frustrated with myself, I am determined to improve myself.  So I will.  I just have to learn to extend myself a little more patience and to forgive myself when I don't measure up. I also have to learn to not take on what others say, think, or expect of me if it doesn't fit with what I need or know.  Just 'cuz someone says I should..... doesn't mean I have to or should.  Yeah, that's going to be quite a learning experience!

R

So tired...

So tired.

Of pain.
Of sleepless nights.
Of guilt- oh so tired of guilt!
Of feeling like a bad ______ (fill-in-the-blank, I've probably felt it).
Of growing in my strength and stamina and ability at the gym, and shrinking ever so slightly each month, but seeing the scale not move a bit.
And of doctors who don't think I'm not really trying at all when I leave the gym nauseous, sweat-soaked, and tired from working hard all on my own.
Of cliques.
Of not fitting in.
Of trying to do my job as unto Christ, and not get in the rumor mill/gossip loop/little hen's club... and still end up not getting it "right."
Of people saying they want me to be who I am, but then not liking it when I am and it's not what they want or who they think I am or ought to be.
Of the judgements of others, and especially from people who I thought wouldn't judge me or mine.
Of knowing I don't measure up to what a true Christian should be and being so afraid I won't "get in" someday.
Of feeling like God can't be proud of me and is probably sick of the sight of me most days.

I'm mad inside, and I don't like being mad.  Never have.  Don't know what to do with the mad.  Feel guilty for being mad.  I know, I'm a mess, right?  I am.  I want to flip people off sometimes, and if I am honest, sometimes I do out of sight where no one can see or in my head.  I'm not proud of that, not bragging, but God knows it anyway and some already think I've fallen from grace (and I'm pretty sure most of the time I have too) so I might as well be honest and say the truth.  No need for hypocrisy if I'm journaling, right?

I want to shout, "STOP!" at people who stare, laugh, make rude comments.  I want to tell some people, "I'm not who you think I am. I am me, not the person you want me to be or who I used to be or anyone else.  I'm just me.  Fat slob of a person who is learning to be quieter, working to be less 'fat slob' and more 'overweight, but not totally hideous person'... who loves kids, laughs a lot and is obnoxious loud with her laugh sometimes, who doesn't like to be noticed or the attention-getter (is actually physically ill and terrified of that), but doesn't want to be ignored either."

I am mad at others who have judged me by my size, by my facial gestures or the fact that I'm not energetic/bubbly/excited first thing in the morning.  I'm mad at being compared to my colleagues or to some standard that isn't who I am.  I'm tired of being judged by info that may or may not be as accurate as some think it is. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong anymore.  I'm tired of feeling like I've let people down (whether I have or not, who knows, but the vibe is there sometimes and it hurts). I'm mad at feeling like I don't measure up sometimes to other people's wishes or expectations.

Mostly, I am mad, super pissed at myself.  For letting myself become this fat blob of a human being, for causing myself physical pain that won't go away and won't get fixed anytime soon, if ever.  Mad at myself for hurting myself inside, for hating myself so much, for not forgiving myself hardly ever.  Every time my knees or back hurt, which is constant now, I get angrier at Rebekah.  Every time someone stares or laughs or points at my backside or just is downright rude at smirks at me to my face, I get madder inside.  Every time I have an awkward conversation with someone I used to be close to or "should" (their should or mine) be close to, I feel angrier at me.  Yeah, I'm REALLY tired of "should"- I use that word a lot and it's totally getting on my nerves!

R

personal journaling

I doubt there's anyone who even comes here to read anymore since I haven't been blogging in ages due to grad school taking over life.  On the off chance someone is reading this, I just wanted to say that I'm going to go back to what I was doing, which was using this as my journal.  I've been fighting some of my own mental health "monsters," and think that journaling is something I need to do for myself.  That said, I've come a long way in the last year in my physical and mental health.  I came to a point last year where I was tired of myself and the little nasty voice in my head that Rob & I call "evil Rebekah."  I was doing so well too, even with the pressures of moving to a new school and working with new people, leaving dearly loved children/families behind, finishing a masters' degree and thesis, our daughter moving out which was good but another adjustment in a busy life, health issues, and adding the gym and rigorous workouts into my schedule. Some things have kind of derailed me emotionally lately, and I find myself dealing with the same old battles in my head again. So here I go- I have to beat that mean girl in my head.  She cannot win!


Beka

I made it!

It just hit me that tomorrow I will say goodbye to another group of kiddos.  I've been sooooo busy doing report cards, going through portfolio folders again and again and again and again...., finishing scoring assessments, making awards, making & binding the kids' memory books, putting together this year's class movie, blah, blah, blah..... It just didn't really "hit" me until this afternoon.

Tomorrow will be another crazy busy day- writing the last round of thank you letters, our last PE class, doing some clean up chores, playing board games/craft time, lunch, extra recess, snowcones, and then viewing our class movie complete with popcorn!  After school I will have a little party with my Friday helpers- sooo excited about that!  I have a small gift for each of them, and I hope they will like it.

Then I have to tear the room apart, move the furniture, clean & organize and pack it all away by Tuesday at noon.

I am sooooooooooooooooooo tired!

But I survived my first year at a new school.  It was a good year.  An interesting year.  A fun year.  A year filled with laughter.  A lonely year.  A growing year for me in so many ways.

So thankful for the many, many learning opportunities I have had this last year.  Thankful for the love and support so many of my school families have shown me.  So thankful I survived it all!

Goodbye my firsties!  I will love you always!

Our two 2014 graduates

Almost there

Taking a quick mini brain-break between chapters of the thesis... I have so many emotions and thoughts as I'm ending this big chapter of my life.  Before you read on (if anyone is here besides my brain and me), I'm not crazy- well not medication/hospital/lock-me-up-and-put-me-away crazy anyway, not yet.  But in my head there are two Rebekah's- one my hubby calls "Evil Rebekah" and the new one that is learning to like herself at least a little somedays.  We've been having quite the conversations lately.

• Oh my word,  I have so much to do still!  You're going to fail at the end.  Shut up, I am NO quitter!
• I can't believe the end is almost here! Wow, you've managed to do it!
• I am going to make it. :)  Am I going to make it? 
• Wow, me!!! I am writing a thesis!   Yeah, well you've had to look pretty stupid to some people for all your dumb questions & your struggles with that stupid lit review, and it probably isn't much of a thesis.  It's not like it's a "real thesis" anyway that you had to defend. Yeah, well whatever it is, I did it, and I am going to graduate.  They don't let stupid people earn masters' degrees you know!
• I always said I wasn't smart enough to get a masters' degree, and now I'm less than a month from completing one.  How can that be possible?
• Graduation?!?!  Why did I say I'd march?  I have to walk in front of a large crowd and put myself out there in front of others.  What was I thinking????
• I don't want all the attention.  I just want to get my diploma, get a photo with my kids and my niece, chat with my family about anything not-me and go back home.
• I want to attend my commencement because it's the right thing to do.  I worked hard for this and should take a minute to be proud of myself.  If it were my kids I'd bug them to go.  I will regret it later if I don't.  I'm setting a good example for my three young adults who will remember this.  A family memory, a moment they can be proud of their mom.
• I'm setting a good example for my firsties who will remember the teacher they helped earn her degree and graduate.  Who knows how far that might go in their lives someday??? Maybe not, but then again, it might just help them.
• It's not a big deal. Yes it is. No, it's not. Yes it is. No. Yes. No.....
• I wonder if he knows.  Do I care? I wish he did know.  Would he be proud of me? What would he say?  Who cares, he died and you didn't do it for him.  But I wish I could tell him.  Get over it.  Well, I do.
• It's just a degree, Rebekah.  Still, you've worked hard, and you never thought you'd even pursue one let alone earn one.
• You've changed a lot, girl.  A LOT.  You don't listen to the evil me as much anymore.
• This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I just want it to be over now.  Soon, girl, soon.  You're almost there.
• Can I sleep please?????   NEVER!!! mwhahahaha

Goals and accomplishments

Just about to wrap up this degree.  Getting majorly worn down and running on no sleep now, but I am also excited and absolutely terrified about the idea of walking across the platform in front of all those strangers. The cap and gown are paid for, the honor cords purchased, the vehicle reservation and dogs' boarding reservations made, the sub scheduled and confirmed...  if I can get it all done in the next ten days it's going to really happen.

But this morning what I want to remember is that I finally broke the 300 mark on the scale.  It took eleven months and a week, but I did it!  I've been waiting for days and days and days (about three weeks now) to see this number finally make its way onto the scale. :) My weight loss is more in inches and the scale will budge in bits.  It jumps several pounds at once and then it won't move again for weeks- very frustrating when a doctor and trainer think you're not trying hard enough or doing enough.

I keep reminding myself what I said all along because it's true, and I know myself better than anyone else.  I put this weight on slowly over twenty years, it needs to come off slowly so that I can keep it off and not do the lose/gain thing I've done over the years.  So it's not just that it took me 11 months and 1 week to lose over 50 pounds, but in 11 months and 1 week I have lost 50 pounds and KEPT IT OFF! :)

I'm so happy about this, but I don't have time to dwell on it more- a lit review, the creation/assembly of a thesis, a month-long lit unit all await my creation as well as taxes and lesson plans.  I'll be happy while I work and celebrate so many things in my life next month. :)

Letter to an enemy

I hate you.
You are ugly.
And fat.
And mean.
And hurtful.
I'm sick of you.  You are ruining my life.  I want you to go away.  And never. come. back.

They say you are kind.
Sweet.
And all that other stuff.
WHATEVER!
But they don't see you.  They see what they want to see.  It makes them feel better to see you that way.   They don't look in the mirror.  They don't see the real you that is inside- the real you that you keep hidden away, the feelings and thoughts that you don't tell anyone because it's too ugly. You won't ever let that show, and I won't either because I can't handle it.  I'm not that brave so though I hate you, it'll have to be our secret.

But I also know you are going away.  If it's the last thing I do.  I will win.   I won't be who they want you to be or who they think you are.  I'm going to be someone I don't know yet, someone I will figure out eventually.  I am going to be someone I want to be.  I will beat you.  I will never be pretty like you used to be. You were once, you know.  You didn't know it, and you ruined it for me because you hated yourself. I can't ever be that thin, pretty girl you were, but I refuse to be this hideous blob of goo you've made of me.

You ruined my life in so many ways.  I let you, and I'm more mad at myself for that than I could ever express.  I have cried so hard this week because I let you win.  I let your self-hatred take over and let your stupid view of yourself ruin my life.  I let the way you thought it was take over and ruin how I feel about me, but I'm taking over now stupid.  I am going to finish this degree in a few weeks.  I am going to walk across that platform and get that master's degree, me, Rebekah, and when I do, I'm going to cheer for myself- not where anyone else can see but somewhere down deep inside a little piece of me is going to wake up and be proud.  I am going to beat this fat, ugly self.  I will always have the extra skin and stretch marks and ugliness, but I am not going to be a size 28 forever.  I'm already not a size 34 thanks to me, NOT YOU.  I have been walking in that gym for ten months now and I'm not going to stop, busted knees or not.  If I have to crawl in there that's what's going to happen.

You may have my head for the moment.  You may think you're winning.  You may even be for today.

But, weak as I am.... I am NO QUITTER.  I have not given up on this slob of a body yet.  See I tell my little ones all the time, that "there's no such thing as a bad person, only people who make bad choices."  I firmly believe in the power of hope and encouraging others.  So I'm going to give myself a little of that hope and encouragement and love.  I'm going to try with all my being to cut myself some slack even though you are in my head screaming at me all kinds of obscenities and nastiness.  I'll just scream back at you and louder until you just shut up and go away.

Go away, mean person that's been in my head all these years.  Please let me start a new life without you. I'm tired of you.

Here I go! My last semester (for now anyway) of graduate studies :)

Just realized this morning as I begin the new term that five months from today is graduation day.  I felt like doing something fun and silly for myself to help mark that time so when I am totally overwhelmed with the work/grad school/gym/life thing in about a month or two I can look at this and visualize something good. :)

I am going to have a master's degree- WOW! That is something I never, ever pictured in my life.  I remember telling people I would never do that, (and I do quote myself), "I'm not smart enough to get a master's!"  Well, here I go- five more months until I prove myself wrong! :)

And the little added extra bonus for me is that I think I've got all my kids coming out to Illinois from NC to cheer for me.  And the little added extra bonus for my momma is that I will graduate on Mothers' Day so we'll all be together one more time.  Kinda cool Mothers' Day gift for us all! :)

Christmas Break 2013 Memories

I've been pretty sick the past few weeks, our oldest son was on call Christmas week, our two youngers were working, and our "fake" daughter- as I jokingly & lovingly call her- had to spend time with her family, of course, so this holiday season was a little different. But Rob & I are trying to find/build new traditions as we transition to a new phase in our lives.  I tried to focus on the good things and this break had good times.

I am not proud of having let myself become such a pile of goo, but I have worked VERY VERY hard this past year to fix that situation.  Today I decided to brave my closet and chest of drawers and see what I could say goodbye to.  I was nervous and this was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be.  I cannot believe how much smaller I am!!!!   The scale doesn't show as much loss as the clothes do, and wow, do they.  I am posting a couple photos of things that used to be tight/quite snug on me and now they are hanging off me like crazy.  I filled a big box with clothes that I have "ungrown."  What a feeling- I don't think I can begin to describe it.

Cleaned out a bunch of my teacher books - boy, has teaching changed over the last few years!!!  These two boxes are going to my sister back in Illinois to see if she can use any of the ideas/information in homeschooling my little niece, Zoe. :)  I apologize for the messy bedroom in the background- I was in the middle of this and the clothes- I always do six million things at once. :)

Movie time with my kids- this is something we have done for years and years- a movie on break.  So glad I could get the three kids together to go see the 2nd part of the Hobbit.  We missed Rita though!

My friend, Kristen, invited us over for chili and cornbread.  Rob drove me down since I was not feeling too hot, and we had a nice evening of talk and my pal, Elizabeth, and I enjoyed talking and playing.

Rob made several fires for me over break to enjoy while I tried to rest and relax. :)

Went to see our son on Christmas Day and met up at the Flying J truck stop so we could see him since he was on call.

 Silly son and mom :)

 The girls made some cookies with me :)

New Year's Eve was nice too- I didn't get photos, but Robert came and spent the night with us. Matthew and Robert watched movies with Rob and me.   Best visit ever!!!  We went out to breakfast together the next morning and to Barnes & Noble too.

Now it's time to go back to work.  I miss my students, and do so love teaching, but the reform movement, the constant pressures and testing/assessment shtick, and the amount of time I put into my work are all really draining me.  I have to be honest, I really don't want to go back to work.  Hope this feeling gets better by next Monday. :)  Not feeling well probably isn't helping that, and I need that situation to get resolved as well because, though I joke about it, I really don't have time for health issues with work, grad school, and my healthy life-journey/daily gym visits.  My body just needs to get it together. :)

2013: The Year I Turned Around

I haven't been able to blog in a long, long time.  I doubt anyone even visits here anymore.  Though I hate that I haven't had time to journal, I also am learning that journaling is for me and I should do it when I can and want to, and that when I hit the crazy times or don't have anything to say, that's okay too.

Anyway, 2013 has been a year of change for me.  I got so tired of things in my life at work, the way I looked and felt about myself, the way people stared, made rude comments or laughed at me outright... So in May 2013, I started making changes, and God made some changes, and put together I'm becoming something different, hopefully better & stronger by the time it's all said and done.

Change # 1- On May 4, 2013, I walked into the gym with my daughter and signed up Rob & I for a membership and signed myself up for workout sessions with a trainer.  Enter my trainer/coach, Rashad.  I had to let him weigh me, measure me, and let him see just how out of shape and hideous my body was; the thing is he has NEVER ONCE expressed anything but encouragement.  He calls me "beautiful" from time to time, doesn't let me get down on myself, looks the other way when I cry because I'm doing something I didn't think I ever could again, and has supported me in accomplishing the goals I set, even the stupid, silly ones.... Because of this choice my life has changed in so many ways:

• I have taken my fat butt to the gym faithfully since May 4, 2013.  I have not had a good track record of sticking with life changes like this for so long.  I usually have gone gung-ho and gotten frustrated when I hit a plateau.  This time, I am sticking with it and will continue to do so.
• I have mostly gotten over people looking at me- not completely, some days it still bothers me a lot, especially when someone is blatantly rude or ugly, but the general staring I ignore now.  I had to learn to get over that very quickly working out at the gym.  Rashad puts me out there where others can see me doing things like push-ups, running around the gym or out in the parking lot, doing ladder work in front of the rows of cardio machines, doing suicides in front of  others....  I am learning to focus on what I am doing and ignore others.  That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt and I don't still get mad, but I can ignore a lot more.
• I have lost and KEPT OFF right at 40 pounds since May and have dropped from pant size 34 to size 28- can't believe I'm even posting that, but oh well.  If anyone is reading, maybe it will help them.  If you think "Oh my word, what a cow!," well you're right.  I was a cow, still am a cow, and have a long way to go, but I won't always be a cow! :)  And I am okay with you thinking I am too.  That's a big change too!
• I can run short distances for a very short time (it looks more like race walking/jogging, but still...).  I couldn't do that in May.
• I can do about 70 situps- the real thing- in three sets with only a short break between sets.
• I can do planks!  I am working on learning to do situps the right way and still have a long way to go on that.
• I am learning to do squats properly- not pretty yet and still have a long way to go, but I'm improving.
• In July I could only do 1 minute on the elliptical; now I can go for 30-40 minutes. :)  That just makes me happy!
• I can lift about 100 pounds in bench press, squats, and on the glut machine.  Rashad says I'm a lot stronger than even he thought which makes me feel good.  I have often told people that I'm stronger than they think and many people don't believe me.  Under my layer of lard I do have muscles. :)
• I found a great app that has helped me keep better track of what I eat, the water I drink and the exercise I do- all helping me change and maintain changes.  In the end, I have found out that part of my problem is that I actually don't eat enough- something confirmed by my trainer, two doctors, and a nutritionist- so I have to really work on that this next year.

Change # 2- The last couple school years have not been easy, and I had hit bottom this last year.  I walked out of my classroom in June not knowing if I'd ever walk back into a classroom or what I was going to do but knowing I was NOT going back to my school.  I left school on the last day and had started applying for nonteaching jobs, but God gave me a teaching job at a new school. I started there in August, and though I'm still very frustrated with our education system and the way reform is killing our schools and harming our children and teachers, I have been able to go on- something I didn't think I could do back in May or June.  

Change # 3-  Though this is something I started a while ago and have been continuing, it has also begun to change me.  I have been working very, very hard on my Master's degree which is why I had to let the journaling/blogging go these last few months.  I am about to start my last semester, and on May 11, 2014, I will graduate.  My advisor and another professor have been especially encouraging to me as a student and teacher during this time.  I have been told I should publish and recently one of my instructors encouraged me to go on and pursue my doctorate's degree and teach at the college level!!!- me, Rebekah!!!  I am still stunned at that.

I don't write all this to be braggy - NOT ONE BIT.  Dear God, don't let me come across like that! 

I write this because I want to remember this someday.  I want to remember that I had to hit the bottom to start moving back up.  I want to remember that God didn't forget about me when I was at the end of my rope- that I especially want to remember!!!  

I write because this is the year that Rebekah started to see something tiny, many days still infinitesimal, but there is a flicker of hope that I now carry for this fat girl.  I have spent years and years loathing myself, and on the good days, just barely tolerating me.  But now, I am starting to have moments where I almost like me, where I think "Hey, I am proud of me!" Then I catch myself and wonder who this new me is? :)  It's strange to suddenly see something good in yourself when you've spent your whole life hating who you are to the very core of you.  I am not very comfortable with this almost-liking-myself that I sometimes experience, and I usually find a way to shoot it down very quickly, but still it is nice to not always think "you suck" in your head or having to listen to that nasty old voice all the time.  I have my low moments still, but I'm learning to talk myself through them.

I guess I write this too, in case someone might come across it who feels like me.  If this Rebekah, the fat slob of a human who wasn't good for much except loving people, especially kids, through hugs or silly little things that aren't really important... if this woman can turn around and change who she is WITH GOD'S HELP, so can anyone. If I can learn to run or do situps or pushups... if I can learn to see something good in myself... if I can go on in my education... so can you.  I promise that I'm nothing special, not anyone of importance or special value (my Momma will disagree, but God love her, she's my Momma & she's supposed to feel that I'm special). :)  I'm just a person who never gives up on others but gave up on herself I don't even know when.  But I'm learning this year, 2013, to fight for Beka too.  If I'm right about kids (there's no such thing as a "bad" kid I am always saying), then that has to hold true for me too.  I can't be as bad as I thought I was.  There has to be hope for me too.

So 2013, you will always be one of my favorite years- you are the year I turned around and gave myself a chance.  I'm grateful for that chance, and I hope God will allow me to continue on.  Who knows where I'll end up. 

Happy New Year!

note for heaven

You've been gone a long, long time now.

I was a kid then.
I am a middle-aged woman now with grown children of my own.

I've lived longer than you got to and done many things you never were able to.  I graduated from college, and next May will graduate with my master's degree.  This summer I will celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary.   I have watched my children perform in band concerts, participate in different sports, graduate from high school and one from college, get their driver's license and first car.  Now I watch as our children start their adult lives, going to college, working, moving out and planning to move out.

I am blessed or lucky to have been able to live longer than you did.  Some days I think I will run to find you if and when I get to heaven.  Other days I think I am not sure I will want to see you for reasons I don't want to share because they sound weird and stupid even to me.

Yesterday my oldest took my breath away when he said he thought of you and even talked to you as he went for a walk in the woods behind his apartment complex.  He had tears in his eyes when he said he wished he could have known you and when he asked me if I thought you would have liked him.

I know you don't know.  I know you can't see or read a stupid blog.  But I have nowhere else to put it so I'll write it here.  You are still thought of.

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Weekends go by way to fast!  Wrapping up the night but I still have a bunch of stuff to print for this week, clothes to set out, breakfast/lunch to figure out, and a shower to take.  I keep hoping I can figure out how to clone myself. :)

I am happy to have created a pretty nice looking learning contract for math & literacy for my kinders; I'm excited to introduce them to the kids tomorrow.  I also published a lot of stuff this weekend, and I am happy with how those sets looked.  I thankfully also got the bills paid and the January menu finished and updated my monthly station plans to reflect the new learning contracts.

This is my last week before grad classes resume, and I have a lot to do before it's over to be ready, so this week promises to be busy.

My plans for the week include:

• finish my momma's pj's and Zoe's bunny blankie and get them in the mail
• find a place to get my sewing machine oiled and serviced
• get in to an eye doctor and try to get new glasses
• get lesson plans finished for next week & start the grade level plans for the new lit unit 
• get my "Sub Tub" updated
• clean and reorganize the writing, alphabet, big book, and retelling stations
• get tax forms downloaded and ready for the kids and us
• go for a few walks with Rob this week
• read a few chapters in the two books I started on our trip- Life of Pi and Songs of Blood & Sword: A Daughter's Memoir  (I never can find time to read during the school year, and especially when I'm in grad school, but I am hoping to squeeze in some time as much as I can.)

Well, off to print and pack up I go!

Help a Teacher- Pass the Word

Help spread the word-  this is a neat giveaway for teachers!!!!  If you know a teacher or are one, pass the news!  If you enter from this blog link, I will be entered too.  :)

Family time

I love my kids!  :)

Today the young people and I all met up at the house and headed out to see the Hobbit. :) I was so excited to be with the kids- all of them- and to see that movie!!! We made a little "memory" that will be a joke for years to come at Robert's expense.  I had to make a bathroom pit stop during the movie.  When I came back and was sitting back down in my seat, I didn't see Robert stretching his long legs (and he didn't see me sitting down apparently), and somehow he kicked me in the face.  Got me right in the eye- glasses went flying down two or three steps in the dark, and my eye felt like it was bleeding.  I was kind of stunned, couldn't figure out what hit me; he was stunned and apologizing like crazy (like his mom). :)

One of the boys got my glasses for me, but they were so banged up, I couldn't wear them.  Watched the rest of the movie with not so great vision, but thankfully it was a big screen and I didn't really miss anything important.  Rob was able to bend the ear and nose pieces back into place enough to get me through until Tuesday when I have to try to get excused from an after school meeting to get to the eye dr.  I have a small cut on my eyelid and am waiting to see if I will end up with a black eye.  Boy, am I going to tease that son of mine if I do!!!! hehehehehehe

The rest of the day was just normal- menu planning, lesson planning, and working on teacher materials for my store.  I'm starting learning contracts with my kinders this week, and I try to differentiate a lot, so I'm knee deep in all of that.  Shoot, I have to pay the bills too- YIKES!  Better get on that now!

Happy weekend!
Beka :)

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Friday- my favorite day.  Today I worked super late in my classroom- moving furniture, reorganizing the library area, getting things straightened up and looking through my teacher books and resources to plan our very first kindergarten learning contracts for this school year.  I sure hope my little ones are ready for this level of self-management!

I am way too old and have too crummy a back to be moving large bookcases and pieces of furniture; you'd think I'd learn this lesson eventually.  But here is what I have to show for my hard evening's work- a beautiful library area for the kids on Monday morning.

 Here is the whole library corner plus word wall.  I've got baskets for alphabet books, math books, science, and poetry on the floor (I wish I had tons of shelves here).  You can't see them, but on the small bookcase, I have baskets for many different characters the kids love- Curious George, Franklin, Little Critter, etc.  I color coded my author study books and put them in the red & blue crates; I hope to really get the kids into author studies now in this last half of the year.

Now to lesson plan, pay the bills, do my Donors Choose work, and finish those pj pants. :)