My "Roots"

I've always had this desire to trace my ancestry on my dad's side. I knew that my great-grandparents were born on a Indian reservation in Oklahoma and were mostly Indian, and that there was more Indian blood in our family than just that, but I've never been able to find out more.

While we were visiting family in Illinois, my sister and I received a phone call and information from our paternal grandmother about our "roots" so to speak. It caught sis and I quite by surprise to be hearing this information we've always wanted to know and then to find out so much!

We, are in fact, quite a bit more "Indian" than we would have guessed. And we now know more about the nation we are from. Our grandmother even sent us the packet of info and all kinds of stuff we need to be recognized as part of the Western Cherokee Nation. We have finally gotten a piece of the puzzle and lots of the info we need to start putting it all together.

I know that the heritage that really matters is the one that has Christ's name written on my heart, and I know that the home I really long for is not here on this planet but in Heaven. But for now, this does answer a lot of questions I have always had, and it means a lot to me to have a bit of my heritage, my "roots" made known to me.

A New Church Home

I HATE finding a new church!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate feeling out of place, not knowing a single person, being unsure where to go, having to make myself be more outgoing and introduce myself and my family, and chat with complete strangers, and try to remember names and names with faces.... Did I say that I really don't like going to a new church?

Well, for reasons that I won't bore myself with here, Rob and the kids and I started looking for a new church home in April after being at our church since we moved here in August 2005. It was a very hard decision because I didn't want to hurt my children, and I didn't want to hurt anyone at the "old" church, and because we all hate visiting churches. But we did visit some. Not as much as we probably should have, and not all the places we thought we would. But, we found this church we kind of liked, and we have gone back off and on over the past few weeks. Sunday, we just knew it was where God wanted us to go. Almost from the moment we walked in, Rob & I (without talking to each other until the end of the service) were feeling the same thing and thinking the same thing. We verified with Barbara & Matthew, again, that they were happy there, and made the decision to make it our church.

Here were some of our reasons:

1. The kids like it. - It has an active youth group that is meeting each week with a young adult leaders. The kids seem to like the youth services, and have talked about what they studied. It has all been very sound teaching so far. And, it has cute, Christian boys- so that can't be beat! :) Barbara would kill me if she read this. Ha! Ha!
2. I love the worship! It is contemporary worship & praise (which I really love) and the kids and Rob like the music too. They turn the lights way down low and the only lights that are really on are on the platform, so no one can really be focused on their neighbor... They have a worship band with LOTS of guitars, a keyboard, and drum, so that, again, is right up our family's alley.
3. I know that serving God is more than just your feelings, but I can feel God when I'm there. I hear Him speaking to me in worship, and it's always been His love that I feel, not condemnation from anyone else or myself (which is the biggest source of that). I hear God in the messages, and have been encouraged by each one.
4. The pastor is a "person." Let me explain. We've never really "met" the pastor as we have usually just gotten out of there when church is over, but this week when we came in the pastor came up to us, and held out his hand, and said, "Hi, I'm George." Not "I'm Pastor so & so,: or "George Whatever-my-last-name-is, the pastor here," or "I'm Reverend...." just plain old, normal guy "George." Not that I'm saying that any of those other things would be wrong or bad for a pastor to say. I'm just saying that it really struck me as different from any of the pastors we've had in a very, very long time. And I don't mean to say that all of the pastors I've known are horrible; they weren't/aren't and they each had many good qualities. But, many of them came across as superior or a bit higher than the rest of us. I've often felt that some of them truly felt like they were just a class higher with God or in society or in intellectual ability than those of us in the pews. It came across in sermons, prayers, responses to questions, and in conversations. But, on Sunday, it really got me that this pastor was just introducing himself to Rob like "Hey, I'm like you, a normal guy with normal concerns and worries, and needs..." Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should, but that's just how I felt. This has also been the feeling I've gotten from listening to his sermons too. He sits down on a stool and preaches from there- no podium, no Bible-thumping, no stomping-on-your-toes, no "holier than thou," just reading the scripture and sharing some thoughts to help you grow. It's so down-to-earth and humble and nice. It also comes through in his weekly newsletter and on his My space page (yes, I'm still wrapping my brain around that one).
5. It's not a dinky church where the kids won't really have anything to be involved in or a youth group to be part of. But, it's not a giant church where we can't get to know anyone or will be just another person/body/#/tithe check.

I'm hoping it will continue to be "just what God ordered," and that we will all find our niche there. And for now, we are the "newbies," so I guess we'll all have to try to "come out of our shells" and get to feel part of this new church home.

It Was 1989

It was 1989. I was 18, very naive, and said, "I can go to college and be a mom at the same time." :) Ha! I had no idea what I was getting into or what was headed my way! I was young, dumb, and so inexperienced! I thought I could parent a child and be a student (and I did), but I didn't know that child # two & # three would make back-to-back appearances behind #one! However, I did manage to go to college and be a mom at the same time- even with three! My time was filled with being a mommy, trying to manage all our schedules (feeding, diapering, playing, etc.) with two adults' college schedules and work schedules, and fitting (cramming) assignments and projects for my classes in where and when I could. I remember my mother telling me to enjoy the children because time would go by very quickly and they would be grown and gone before I knew it. Yeah, right, Momma! How can that be possible?! They're just babies for crying out loud! I will & do enjoy my children, but is there anything wrong with wishing they were older so I didn't have so many dirty diapers, diaper bags to carry, bottles to make, toys to pick up, and sleepless nights?

Jump ahead to 2007. I am 36 years old, a mom of three great teenagers (no, I didn't kill any of them), a wife, a teacher, and still just as busy-only with different demands on my time now. And, I found out that my momma was right. I always knew she was, but couldn't really comprehend the concept she was trying to get through to me. :) (Are you smiling yet, Momma?) I am now mother to three high school students- a senior, a junior, and a freshman! Where has time gone? How did it happen so fast? What happened to all those moments I remember?

Now looking back, I can see so many moments- big & small- that we went through, my children and I. Some of them were "big" in my eyes and I knew they were, but so many more were just day-to-day events and things that were not necessarily even thought of at the time. At the time, I didn't recognize their importance in my life or just thought it was a "normal" day. But now I am beginning to see that those simple things are just as important and "big" as all the "big" memories I have. These are just a few of the moments I hope I will always remember:

"Big" Moments:

• feeling their movement inside me
• hearing their heartbeat for the first time
• seeing their shadows on an ultrasound photo
• their births
• all the "firsts"- the first diaper, the first bottle, the first trip in the car to go home, first sounds & words, sitting up for the first time, crawling, standing, walking, running, talking
• hearing my little ones say "Mommy" and "I love you"
• going to school, and then middle school, and then high school
• learning to play an instrument
• puberty- need I say more?!
• learning to drive- YIKES!!!!!!!!
• first crushes and maybe, now or soon-to-come, first loves

"Little" Moments:

• taking naps with them when they were little-watching them sleep & enjoying them cuddling up with me
• reading stories together
• playing in the play dough or doing puzzles or building together with Lego's & blocks
• playing Barbies with them and doing silly voices
• having "camp-out" nights in our room or the living room where we watched a movie together and then all just went to sleep right there on our sleeping bags or in our bed
• watching them play on the playground and in the yard
• hearing them fight with each other and play with each other
• the "haircut" in the closet they tried to hide from me
• the candy in the Barbie helmet
• the famous "slide fight" of 1995
• the "Nascar" incident and the "white trash teacher car"
• the night conversations and walks that they were not even awake to remember, but we laughed a lot about later
• the famous "floating" blanket that nightly made its appearance on its way to our bedroom
• all the gazillions of times they came home having learned something new at school, and now all the times they learn something I don't know or can't help them with
• the water fights and pillow fights and real fights
• cooking together
• turning out the lights in the church :)
• puking on a stuck up lady at church :)
• frantically searching for certain children who liked to hide from me in Walmart under the clothes racks and thought it was terribly funny!
• going to all the games and meets and concerts, and sometimes laughing at the silly faces certain children made during the event! (and one time holding up a cell phone so a sick grandma could hear the concert music)

I knew these moments would come to an end one of these days, but I didn't realize how quickly the time would go. I was too busy washing cloth diapers, preparing bottles, picking up toys, diapering, feeding, and being a "mommy" to notice that my little ones were no longer so little. Then these past few years, once that realization sunk in, I have been adjusting to their being in "middle childhood," and I have gotten used to them developing into teenagers and being so smart and learning lots of new things. But, still, I thought time wouldn't go so fast. Instead, it's only gone faster.

Today, we received Robert's senior picture info and his photography appointment time. And it has really sunk in, for a moment anyway, that my children are almost grown. All those big & little moments will, in just a few more years, come to an end. I am about to take another of those "big" steps we parents have to take, ready or not, whether I want to or not. We've been talking college and adulthood and life plans and "stuff" (Robert, Rob, & me) this past year, but I'm slow to wrap my brain around these things. Robert knows where he wants to go and what he wants to do after graduation, and he will still be around here for a few more years, but, still, it's going to be different soon. He's almost an adult, and I have to start letting go more and more. And then, it will be Barbara's turn and then Matthew's shortly afterwards. I'm not going to get much of a break between them all or have much time to prepare for my new parenting stage.

I know there will be lots of "other" moments after this stage of parenting. I know from my own "kid" experiences, that when you have a good parent you never stop needing help/info/advice or a relationship with your folks. I look forward to all those moments, whatever they may be- eating out together as adults at a nice restaurant (& not McDonald's), meeting future daughters-in-law & son-in-law, weddings, grandchildren, college graduations, family get-togethers where I can wait on my family like my momma has done for us for years, and hopefully, most important of all to me- a chance to be my kids' friends. And there are certainly parts of this stage of parenthood that I will not miss: being "dumber" than I thought :), listening to three know-it-all kids argue with each other and try to prove the others wrong, trying to help with homework I can't even understand, running, running, running, running (it will be nice to not have to be somewhere almost every night of the week again), all that $ spent on food and clothes and school expenses and gas, all that laundry, cooking, cleaning...

BUT, I am going to miss the noise too, and hearing "Mom" from across the house, and seeing my daughter wave goodbye to me everyday no matter the time of morning I leave or the weather outside or how sleepy she is, and watching my boys roughhouse together with each other or their dad, and having Robert talk to me about his friends and school, and playing a game or watching a movie with Matthew.

I am making sure I enjoy each day I have with my children because the days with them are numbered, and I want to make sure that I don't miss any of the "moments"- big or little. I want to catch them all and fill my mind full of all the times we have had, both good and bad, so someday I can tell my grandchildren about them and so that I can look back and remember all these steps I took with my kids.

A Beautiful World

I just got back a few days ago from a trip "home" to Illinois to see our family there. I love driving across the country. From our first visit to NC in 2005 when I was able to see the ocean for the first time, to last week when I travelled again across the Appalachian Mountains and out into the "plains" of Illinois, I have been reminded again and again how truly creative and powerful God is.

I know my travelling experiences are so minute compared to many people, and I have seen so very little of the world. But, I have seen enough to see the hand of God around me and to know that He exists.

Travel with me from NC to my native Midwest. I have seen an ocean that flows in and out as if a mighty hand pulled it back and forth like a yo-yo in steady motion. To know and feel the awesome power contained in each wave, the ability to push/pull objects into the land or sweep them out to sea, to crush boulders and shells into tiny, minuscule pieces of sand. To see the life that manages to live right at the edge of the sea and thrives in spite of the harsh conditions. To feel the constant wind blowing on your face. To watch the birds that look for food amongst the waves, rocks, plants, and sand, and to know that God is watching over them and knows their every move.

As you drive across this state, you can see the coastal plains slowly rise into the hilly "Piedmont" which, in turn, gives way to foothills and then to mountains. To see the mountains looming overhead, and to know that they are larger than they appear from below or far away in your vehicle. To fathom the number of trees it must take to cover those mountains or to think of the plant and animal life contained in those forests that stretch for hundreds of miles on end and know no state boundary. To imagine the Creator just stretching out his Hand and speaking those hills and forests and mountains and life into existence.

Then on "the other side" you do the process in reverse. Mountains give way to foothills, which yield to rolling hills which eventually level out into the plains. Let me tell you about the plains. They are beautiful when they are filled with fields of wildflowers and prairie plants (my personal favorite), but the fields of corn, soybeans, and alfalfa are also wonderful to watch grow from seedlings through to harvest. Each season brings its own beautiful colors, and I always loved driving the back roads to school to watch the farmers plow, sow, and harvest and to see the fields change from seedlings to full crops and to see the plants change from light green, to dark green, to golden. To see the storms come across the fields and watch the clouds out in the open is an awesome experience! To see for miles across the fields. To see all the little farms, barns, fields.

I've never been further west than this or out of our own country, but I hope to someday. I know there are many more wonders to behold, and each proves God's existence. I like to think of God holding this sphere of clay we call Earth in His palm, and using his fingers to mold the clay & soil into hills, plains, mountains, plateaus, seas, rivers... I can just see Him, as the ultimate artist, critiquing His own work and saying, "Oh, I think this area should be flat, and I want to put some mountain peaks here. What about a river through this area? Hmmm, this would be a good place for a lake." I know that is just my silly view, but however He made our world, He has proven by its existence that He is the most powerful, creative, and awesome being.

And, God, it sure is a beautiful world!

On Fathers Day

Today is a special day that is set aside to honor our dads. For those who have been blessed with a good dad, it is a day to share love, good memories, remember, and honor their dad. It can be a hard day for those who have "lost" their dad through death or divorce or for those who never knew their dad or had a lousy dad.

For me, it is both. But, I remember that I have been blessed greatly! I had a good dad who loved my mom and his daughters. He left us too early, but I know that he loved us, tried to provide for us, taught us, and was a good example for us. He loved God, most importantly, and we will get to see him again. It hurts on this day, among others, to remember him and to know that my kids don't know him and that he has missed all the important things in their lives.

BUT, this is where I am doubly blessed. God didn't leave us all alone. He sent my mom a husband, a mate, a friend. At first I thought he was "okay," but didn't really like the idea of my mom remarrying. Then when they got married, and I had new siblings to deal with and less of my mom to go around (now I had to share her with my sister, and a step-dad, and two step-siblings with issues of their own too), I really started to not like "this arrangement." I was really jealous of Pop and his kids. I remember lots of arguments between various members of our "blended family." I was amongst that list of arguments, and I remember one really bad one where I shouted at him that I hated his guts. It took a long time, and lots of ups and downs before I decided that I did, in fact, like him. Then, I began to love him.

When my youngest son was born, whose middle name was given him to be named after Pop, I realized how deeply I did love Pop, and that he was a good dad to me and an even better grandfather to my children. He had become my dad, and my husband's too- who didn't have any kind of good or decent dad to have a relationship with of his own. When Matthew was born and airlifted to St. Louis Children's Hospital, we were told to say our goodbyes... I was stuck in the hospital, and Rob had two little ones at home to tend to, plus college classes to attend and deal with. Pop went to the Children's hospital and spent the day; he took lots of Polaroids of Matthew, and held his little hand and talked to him. He came to the hospital where I was and shared the pictures with me and told me all about my little man. He knew that I was so afraid Matthew would die and not have any family to be with him and be all alone. He knew that this would mean a lot to me, but I don't think he will ever know how much it meant to me.

As my kids have grown up, he has been the only grandpa they have known. He has tried to be at baseball, volleyball, and soccer games, concerts, awards, and a million other activities to cheer for his grandchildren. He has been their "pa-pa" and loved them, disciplined them, spoiled them...

He has supported Rob and I, even when he probably didn't approve of all the "little things" or the way we handled situations, finances, etc. He has helped us, when he could, with financial needs- bought us food, taken us out for dinner, golfed with Rob and the boys, and a million other things. He has cheered for us & been there when no one else did- supported us going through with college, being teachers, moving away (twice).

I could go on and on, but I'll stop. Pop may not be the dad that "brought me into this world," but I am his daughter nonetheless. He chose to be my dad, even though I was probably obnoxious to him more than I ever should have been. That speaks volumes about the man. Anybody can father a child into this world, but it takes a special someone to say, "I'll be a dad to these two already half grown/almost completely grown girls"- especially when he's lived with them and knows their faults... That's what he did for my sister and me.

Thanks Pop for being our dad!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Fathers' Day!

A Special Pair of Glasses

This one is for my family who has to put up with me, my friends, Kristen & Erin, and my principal who hired me not knowing what she was getting into. :) Just kidding!!!!

I wear glasses- have for a few years now. I have slightly less than perfect vision. Not a big deal, I use my glasses, and when they're not broken or dirty (a family joke) I can see pretty well. But, I think I may need a special pair of glasses.

You see, Rebekah doesn't always see herself the way everyone else does. Apparently, when it comes to me, I am very near-sighted. :) I know this is a common problem and that many people in my family and around me have the same issue. I have gotten a lot better than I used to be about this topic of discussion, BUT sometimes I can be really bad about it still. Like when I'm tired or am having my sleep problems, or when I'm feeling under pressure, or when I'm sick, or when someone in my family or a coworker is upset/irritated/angry/crabby/etc./etc./etc.

My momma, my husband, a few of my principals/supervisors, coworkers, acquaintances, friends, and now, even my children have told me that I'm "too hard on" myself, I need to "give myself a break," or other such sentiments. Recently my principal said that she wished she could give me a special pair of glasses that would enable me to see myself the way those around me did. I think my mother has said this same thing to me too. I've thought a lot about this in the past few weeks, and I wish she could give me those glasses too. I might not have to use them all the time, but maybe when I needed them, I could pull them out.

I know I'm a good teacher, a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom, a good_________ (fill in the blank)..., but my problem is that I want to be more than just a good___. I hate when I let people down or feel like I might have. I hate when I mess up or make mistakes or do something I shouldn't have or don't do what I ought to have...

One thing that has helped me a lot is being a mom. Seeing my kids grow up into the wonderful, Christian, responsible, respectful, helpful, intelligent, and funny young adults they are becoming has helped me realize that this is a result of what Rob & I have done with God's help- believe me, a lot of that! :) I need to (and do) take full credit for my part in raising them. I can hold my head up high when it comes to that objective in my life.

I do think I am getting better because I can say some nice things about myself now, and I couldn't have done that when I started teaching or parenting. It's just some days or weeks, I can clearly see just how far I still have to go. Guess that's why the Bible talks about "running the race..." So for now, I'll just keep my eyes on the course that's been set before me, trying to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other, keep my focus on Him and the tasks He has given me (being a Godly mom & wife, a good daughter and sister, and the best teacher I can be (not perfect, just my personal best). And if, I'm a bit "near-sighted" about myself, please be patient with me. I'll get there someday, maybe. If not, well, maybe it's okay. I mean, the world needs some "special" people in it to make life more interesting. :)

Signing off,
Nearsighted Rebekah :)

Noah

Today I saw a miracle! One of my coworkers, Maria, brought her 4 month old baby boy, Noah, by the school to see us for a little bit. That may not sound like that big a deal, but Noah has been through more than most adults have even thought of going through in his four months of life. He was born with a serious heart defect and underwent heart surgery when just a few days old. After being on the heart transplant list for just a few days, Noah received his new heart. He just came home a few days ago, and today came to school to see his mommy's workplace and meet her coworkers.

Maria even let me hold him, and he let me hold him for a long time. I just talked and talked to him, and he kept his beautiful eyes on me the whole time! He is BEAUTIFUL! Noah has the prettiest eyelashes I've ever seen- so long!

And, Maria- well she is just a wonderful mom!!!!! When a lot of people might have given up on Noah early on in that pregnancy, Maria hung in there and decided to bring him into this world! She had a hard pregnancy, and I know it must have been harder than I could ever imagine. Then to deal with all the medical problems, complications, steps forward, and then setbacks... Today, she was explaining and answering all of our questions about Noah's care. She has TONS- seriously, more than I could even count- of meds she has to give him at different times of the day. She has her own stethoscope and does a lot of the medical care - like today she had to take out his feeding tube and put in a new one. YIKES!!! I know you do what you have to do, but that has to be so hard on her!!!

Well, thanks God for letting little Noah live and survive all these things. Thanks for giving him parents that believe in the value of life and who cared about him enough to love him through the pregnancy and these hard months. Thanks for Noah!

(And on a selfish note, thanks for letting me get to hold that precious little baby boy- your miracle baby for Maria & Tim & Autumn.)

Another Year- sigh

Yesterday was the end of the school year for this year's group of "Kinderkids" as I call them. This was one of the hardest years I've had as a teacher. I started this entry with a list of all the "hard things," but now coming back to look at what I've journaled, I think I will just try to remember that it was a hard year and let all those "things" go. Someday I won't even remember or care that my heart was hurt by coworkers, events, students, parents, or myself. :)

There have been lots of good things to smile about along the way, and that is what I want to never forget:

• an assistant sent to me from heaven who has become my good, dear, friend and is such a joy to be with; she is a true Christian who tries, and succeeds, to put Him first in all she does! I will get, God willing, the privilege of having her as my first student teacher next January. Kristen is and will be a terrific teacher! I pray God uses her mightily!
• Sunshine- such a long list of accomplishments I couldn't begin to name here. She has a long way to go, but has come so very, very far this year! I thought my heart was going to break saying goodbye to her and knowing I will likely never see her again.
• J- another totally different boy when comparing June to August! Smiles and is happy almost all the time now! Entered the classroom with such enthusiasm and participated in all we learned with such excitement after he got over his first few weeks of school.
• Lots of other kids who made me smile and learned almost everything I could teach who returned lots of love and joy to me. Taught me about life and helped me deal with death when the chicks all died; so caring and kind- most of the time. :)

And then there were these two "small" moments on my last day that blessed me and reminded me that, perhaps, even on my bad days, bad months, bad years, I am doing something for Him, something that may make a difference to some child, somewhere, some day. I only hope that whatever small thing I meant to the kids I touched this year, it won't just be a good memory that they will have, but that it will be a light in their lives when the days are dark, and that they will realize that that "light" was His light shining through me. I hope that I do let His light shine through me.

• The little girl (don't even remember her name right now) in first grade that just "came along" with her friend (one of my kids from last year) one morning as she came to give me my daily morning hug, who then came EVERY day herself for the rest of the year to give me a hug and tell me to have a good day. She came to say goodbye to me yesterday as she is moving again to another new school, and to tell me to have a good summer. I was so humbled by this little one who must have felt loved by me but who gave me such joy every day with her smile and hug and love!
• Breanna (a 5th grader) who graduated yesterday and when it was time to leave with her parents following her ceremony wanted to come say goodbye to me- went right past her former K teacher and ran across the playground to tell me goodbye, wanted to introduce her little sister to me (who will be a Kinder next year) and was crying when she said goodbye and hugged me.

Yeah, Rebekah, this year's been hard, but God put enough "sun-spots" in your life this year to keep you going and to help you make it through. Maybe He put those "lights" in your life for a reason. Yeah, just maybe...

Goodbye

My Dear Kinderkids,

How fast this school year has gone by! It seems like just a few days ago that I met you for the first time! How nervous I was! I wondered if you would like my classroom. I asked myself, “What will I do if the kids don’t like me?”, and I worried that your parents might not think I was the right teacher for you, their precious child.

I’ve tried hard this year to make learning fun and to keep our classroom a safe and wonderful place to be. I know we’ve all had those days when we were tired or sick or just plain crabby. But just like family, we have loved each other anyway. And cheered for each other and helped each other and even on the bad days, seen the good in each other. That’s what friends do. I will always be your friend.

I want you to know that you can always come visit me- no matter where you end up in life or where I go to teach. I will always be thrilled to see “my kids” and to get a hug or a handshake or a note from you. You will always be very, very special to me!

Please know that I love you dearly and am so very proud of all you have learned, how you have grown, and all you’ve come to be this year! Keep on growing and never, never quit! Always do your best and be proud of yourself!

Love always,
Your Mrs. Thomas

Old Irish Blessing
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

To Scream or Not To Scream

I yelled this week. I realize that's no earth-shattering statement and to my family probably not a shocker, but it surprised an entire cafeteria full of kids and adults when I politely said to my neighbor at the lunch table, "Excuse me for bellowing in your ear, but..........." I proceeded to yell across the cafeteria to a student to sit down. It certainly did get the kids' attention, but more so, the adults there. They were all commenting for the rest of the week about their shock and surprise at me raising my voice and yelling.

Hope that is a good thing about me- that I don't yell often. We had a big debate one day recently about whether yelling at children is a good thing or not. A lot of people around think that yelling is a way to motivate kids; but I disagree! Of course, God knows, I've yelled at my own three kids, but I don't think that is the best way. Sure, it gets their attention, but I don't think it really solves anything. I mean, my kinderkids stopped their moments of "insanity" when I yelled, but within just a few minutes, they were right back to the craziness at their lunch table.

I've watched a particular third grader this year- been trying to be a positive influence in his life. His teacher yells a lot! I mean, really, a lot! I know the kid's no saint himself, and that he instigates a lot of trouble just out of a sense of power/control and to show he's "tough." But, he hasn't given me any trouble, and maybe I'm just naive or dumb, but I think when you show kids respect and love, they are more likely to give respect and kindness back.

I hear a lot about "the kids at Allen Jay"- all from the teachers around our school. They think our school is some kind of ghetto-type school, which I can say it is NOT! We do have some kids who are rough and tough, and I do think there is a lot disrespect there, but I also think that we have a lot of staff who don't give respect to the kids. I wish there was a way to get them to understand that although we are adults and children should respect their elders, it doesn't mean that we can treat kids however we want and they will still respect us. You have to sow some seeds of love, kindness, fairness- respect, if you want to reap it.

So I will keep on trying to treat kids the way I want to be treated, and to show, by example, the adults around our school that kids can be "good"- even the "bad" ones they've labeled!

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I'm so tired and GROUCHY!!!!!!!!!! I am sick of school & a certain baseball coach right now, and sick to death of people who scream and yell and treat kids lousy!!! My throat hurts, my foot hurts, and I've hurt my finger somehow. My cell phone won't work right, and my glasses sit crookedly on my face so I look like a complete moron. :) My desk is completely (I exaggerate not) covered and there are piles on the floor all under and around my desk. Stuff is starting to slide off, but I can't get it cleaned after school because we keep having stupid meetings and then I have to leave to pick up my kids from school. On top of all that, I'm really homesick after talking to both my parents tonight. I want to crawl into bed and pull the blankets up to my chin, close the door, turn on the fan to drown out the noise and just stay there. I can't even say to myself, "summer is almost here, and I can relax." I will be working two sessions of summer school this summer plus taking on the grade level chair/leadership position (no extra pay; lots of extra hassle & work) and trying to get mentor training to be a mentor this fall, not to mention my usual summer planning & prep work that gets done to be ready for the fall & a new school year.

Right now, I feel like I stink! If I didn't have to live with myself, well I wouldn't want to right now. I feel like such a grouch on the inside. I'm trying not to let it show on the outside, but I don't think I'm doing a good job of it.

Stop the world! I really want to get off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Okay, No It's Not

I was reminded today of the lesson my "kinder-child" taught me a couple weeks ago.

Today, it was my turn to say those words, "It's okay. Okay?" to a little one in my room whose mother is very ill. Only it's not okay, and it's not chickens we're talking about. I knew it, but I was hoping the message would help her as it had helped me. I don't think she understood, which reminds me, once again, that those words were meant for me and that it really was God speaking through a five year old child.

God, now it's her in need. Please give me a message, in some language, that my kinder will be able to understand. 'Cuz right now hugging her, holding her, and loving her doesn't seem like much, and it won't make her mommy be okay or help her to understand it all.

It's not okay, God!

Another Week

Well, Whisper Day on Tuesday has turned into whisper week; only kinderkids aren't capable of a "whisper week." A day is their limit. :) Although they were concerned about me, they weren't able to keep their voices down and their bodies quiet for a whole week! So I'm very hoarse and sore from "whisper teaching" just to be half-heard all day for the past several days. Have you ever tried to get a group of kids attention by whispering at the top of your lungs? It's not as easy as you might think! :) My assistant, Kristen, was pulled most of the week for proctoring, crisis intervention, and a half million other jobs she has to do around our school, so much of the time I was croaking alone. Picture me trying to do assessments while whispering/half talking and my voice coming in and out in a room full of kinderkids playing with blocks, working on the computer, reading, pounding playdough, playing alphabet games, and more. No wonder my kids kept saying, "Huh?" at me! :) Ha! Ha!

Then, Sarah, a fellow K teacher across the hall tells me to rest my voice and be quiet this weekend; she said that is what she did when she had the hoarseness/lost voice and it helped. I quickly reminded her that I was sure that was great advice and I would love to be able to follow it, but I also reminded her that I am a mother of three teenagers so I was equally sure it would be next to impossible. We had a good laugh about that.

Now, more seriously, my adopted father had some heart problems this week and has spent several days in the hospital. He had tests and a angioplasty yesterday, and as far as I know at this time is home. I was so wishing I could have been there and not here. I kept thinking how if we hadn't moved to good ol' NC, Rob and I and the kids would have been up at the hospital with my mom and sister, keeping them company... I know I couldn't do anything to help them even if I was there- I mean what was I going to do- heal him? But, still I wish I could have gone home to sit there with my family. My sister reminded me that it might be more important to come home later and to wait... Besides, it's not like I have the money anyway. If Pop had dropped dead (thank God, he isn't going to), I wouldn't have had enough $ to drive out of the state, let alone all the way to Illinois. It's a family joke now about me apologizing all the time and feeling guilty for things I have no responsibility for (you know like the day was cloudy or the mail came an hour late)... My sister and mom called me the other night laughing to ask me if I felt like a "bad daughter" yet. Well, no, I don't. I have no reason to; it's not my fault and it's not that I don't care and wouldn't come if I could. But I do hate that I'm stuck way out here when things go wrong and I may not be able to come home. But such is life and life goes on.

The last exciting or not thing to my week was dealing with a son and his bad grades and his hiding them and his lack of responsibility..... I won't bore myself with remembering it all here again. Then I called my mom in tears, blabbed all my "deep, dark secrets" and felt silly later. After all the child was fine when he cooled off in the shower and I obviously don't need to take him too seriously; face it he was just being "bratty." I didn't say my child was a brat, just behaving brattily.

Well, at least the week is over and the weekend now here. The kids are good to me, and I do love them dearly. All is well again on the home front until the next crisis, and my dad is home and will make it and if he takes care of himself live to be an old pestering man. :) He! He!

Another week of my life is done, and now I must prepare for the next.

Shallow Me

I often tell my sister that she's "too deep" for me. It's become a joke between us. I make the same comment to my hubby lots of times. My sister and husband and parents have lots of well-thought out opinions about many topics, and they are not afraid to read, think, and talk about controversial issues, politics, church/religion/God, or about anything else that comes up in adult conversation. (Which can sometimes make for "interesting" situations in our family of talkers.) And now even my kids are starting to get "deep" on me from time to time. Then there's me. :)

See I think life is like a swimming pool. You know how a pool is, right? A shallow entry end that's safe for the "little kids" who can't really swim much or well. Their parents are always right there with them watching over them so they don't get in water too deep or over their head. Then there's this rope that marks off the deep waters where the good swimmers can go. That's where you dive in and swim and do laps and all that really "grown-up" stuff.

Well, see, I live in the shallow end of the "Pool of Thoughts." It's to protect myself so I don't drown from thoughts too difficult for me to comprehend. :) I'm just kidding!

I just sometimes can't form opinions on topics because I think I think on this side of an issue, and then I start thinking about the other side, and well, then I get "confused" or I just don't know. I don't have time to be as well-read as my hubby on current events or political things. He reads all kinds of news sites daily on the Internet and in print to find many different sources & reads people from many points of view and follows topics regularly. He knows and often contacts our various governmental representatives, stays abreast of what's going on in the local government, has all kinds of thoughts and opinions about politics... He reads about historical events; although since he does teach world history and has taught government, I guess that makes sense. He has strong views on capital punishment, immigration, the economy, and many other topics. When I talk with or listen to my parents and sister, I feel the same way about them.

It's not that I think I'm not smart and they're all brilliant or something. I know I'm a smart person too. I don't know what it is; maybe I'll blame it on teaching 5 year olds all day long. :) Outside of working with kids, and whatever insights I get from above there, I don't think I'm a very deep person. Maybe it's because all my brain power is spent trying to listen to all those kids all day long, and then I have to go home and listen to my dear children blab, giggle, complain, bicker... and remember who has what tonight and has to be where and when, and what are we cooking for dinner, and how much $ is in the checkbook (will this bounce before payday?), and what am I going to put on next week's menu.... That's it! Maybe I'm killing all my brain cells thinking about all that other stuff! :) Ha! Ha!

I don't know why I'm so shallow sometimes, but this is what I do know. I know that I'm a good wife, mom, and teacher. I know that I absolutely adore my three almost grown children and love lots of kids at school; I get morning hugs and "hi's" from kids I haven't even taught; the list of kids who come to see me for a hug in the morning has grown infinitely this year. Guess word has spread that I'm a hugger and hugs are free in my room. :) So I've decided maybe I was meant to be shallow. Seriously, that's where all the kids are in the pool, isn't it? So I'm okay with being shallow me. Leave the deep stuff for others. Besides, the shallow end is fun! :)

Sunshine

I have had some interesting challenges this school year. It has been one of the most difficult years for me as a teacher. Among my challenges this year, was a little girl (I'll call her Ann- though that's not her real name). Ann has come such a long way this year; it's almost like she's another child! Well, there have been many days when I thought Ann would never improve and that I must be a terrible teacher because I wasn't getting through to her or helping her to overcome her obstacles.

When at a loss, I've just hugged her and loved on her and silently prayed for her and myself and a few times even cried for her. BUT, when Ann is having a good day, she's a doll! She has the funniest laugh I've ever heard in a child, and a BIG smile! She loves to play in my hair- fascinated by it; I don't know why! She has stood for long spells at a time in the classroom and on the playground just playing in my hair, rubbing it, feeling it, smelling it, talking about it... Now she's fascinated by my skin with all its "spots and dots"- those pesky freckles, moles, and assorted marks I have. :)

When Ann's happy, I have to be happy- even on my worst days! It's like seeing the sun on a rainy day after a bad storm. It just brightens up my whole world! A while back, I started calling her my "Sunshine." Whenever she crawls up in my lap in the class or outside-which is daily, I greet with her that title and sing her the Sunshine song- you know- "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." At first, she giggled and said she wasn't my sunshine. But I've just kept explaining what that song/phrase meant, and have just kept singing that to her. Well this week, while walking, I heard another child say to me that Ann was my sunshine. I agreed and kept on walking with my class back to the room. Next thing I know, Ann is singing away the Sunshine song, and when I looked back at her, she was smiling and so proud! It looked like her face would bust from pride!

Today, she made me smile and feel so proud! Today, she told the whole class that she was my sunshine, and I was hers! WOW! "I am her sunshine, her only sunshine. I make her happy when skies are gray. I'll never know dear, how much she loves me. Please don't take her sunshine away."

Whisper Day

What's a teacher to do when she has laryngitis? Well, today I declared it "Whisper Day" in my classroom. Talk about being cute! A roomful of kindergarteners trying to whisper when they can't even use an "inside voice" under normal circumstances. They were, actually very good today; maybe they really do care about their old, grouchy teacher. :)

They all inquired or stared at me curiously when I croaked out or whispered my good morning greeting that I do everyday. Many of them looked like they were scared I had been abducted by an alien or something. Then, as the other children arrived, all the "old" kids who already knew about my voice kept going over to the "new" arrivals and whispering that it was "Whisper Day" and that Mrs. Thomas had lost her voice.

During morning meeting time, they kept questioning me about what happened to my voice and what did it mean "I lost my voice." So I tried to explain what that phrase meant. Many of them wondered where my voice went. So for our writing time we created a book (O said "It's going to be fiction 'cuz it's not real.") about where my voice might have gone. They had me looking in some interesting places- Harris Teeter (the local grocery store), my mother's house in Illinois (this author even looked at my mom's picture by my desk to find out what she looked like and drew her with her red hair), an airplane, the playground, and apparently my voice visited several students' homes overnight because they were searching in their homes in many stories. It was too funny! They really enjoyed creating these stories!

When recess arrived, they (and I) realized that all the children had managed to stay on green this morning- a major accomplishment! We celebrated and cheered!!!! At days' end, they were still there on the green light, and I rewarded them with their choice of stickers for their sticker charts or pennies for their banks. Whisper Day was actually really good. I was dreading it as I was going to be alone today while my assistant was proctoring tests in the older grades, but it turned out to be a good day!

My Momma

Many people think their mother is the best in the whole world; that is the subject of most Mothers' Day cards. On this Mothers' Day weekend, let me tell you about my momma.

You see my momma is not the most intelligent person in the world, not the most beautiful, not the wittiest, the wealthiest, not famous, well-known, or popular. By some standards, my mother might not be considered to be very successful in life as her wealth or influence may not be very far-reaching like those in business, government, or show-biz.

But, my momma is:

• beautiful- I know she thinks I'm a bit strange, but I have always (from my earliest remembrances) admired her hands. She thinks they're just ordinary-looking hands. She's even commented once or twice that they're ugly. But to me, they're beautiful. Those hands diapered my bottom, bathed me, fixed my "boo-boos," took care of me when I was sick, wiped away my tears, held me when I was frightened, hung up with pride my photos, cards, and many other "mementos" made by me, clapped and cheered for me at school concerts, recitals, graduations, squeezed my hand when I was in labor, and so much more than I could think of or list here. Now that I'm grown and far away, she uses her hands to send me cards, to call me, and when I come home- to cook my favorite foods. My momma expresses her love for me through her hands, and when I hold her hands or look at them, I see that love. My momma is beautiful- no matter what she thinks. :)
• intelligent- My momma may never have finished a college degree but to me she is one of the most intelligent people I know. She is self-taught- she learned to play the piano and improved her skills through self-training, practice, and hard work. She has learned to do so many jobs and has so many skills because she is so smart! She has held jobs that many people with "the training" could not do, and she works at a pace that most people can not. She has studied the Bible, and with God's help, gained insight far beyond what I can comprehend. She has lived a life that has thrown her many "hard knocks," but she has always tried to learn a lesson and be better for it. My momma is very intelligent!
• able to laugh- No, she is no comedian extraordinaire, but my momma has shown me that being able to laugh can get you through many tough times.
• rich- She may not leave much $ behind when her time comes, and she certainly doesn't live in a fancy home or drive an expensive car, wear lots of jewels and designer clothes. But, my momma has a treasure stored up for her in heaven that I don't think she even can comprehend. I can't wait until the day when the Lord presents her with her heavenly treasure. I know she will be shocked at what He has in store for her. She has lived a life of giving, sacrifice, and servant hood here on earth- even when she didn't want to or it was hard. I know she thinks she's failed a lot at this and that she hasn't been a good example. But she has; she has taught me that you have to give even when it's hard and even when you don't have it in you to do so. She is also rich because she has a family that loves her and people that care about her and see God in her. You can't trade anything on earth for these riches.
• influential- My momma has an influence that will go on into eternity. She has lived a life that, although not perfect, is still an example of how to walk for God. She has greatly influenced my life, the life of my husband, and now, my children. She has instilled a love for God, for life, for others, on us all. She has shown God to countless co-workers, people in far-away places, family members, neighbors, friends, and only God knows where these little rays of light have gone since she "shone" in their lives.
• faithful- to God and to her family. Even when other family members didn't believe in me, my momma didn't give up on me. She stood behind me when I wanted to get married at a very young age, when I went to college, when I got pregnant and became a mother yet again. She never gave up on me no matter what has come my way- unplanned pregnancies, homelessness (if it hadn't been for my parents), financial problems, car problems, health problems... She has listened to me cry/complain/vent about student's issues and my own kids. :) She has put up with me when I was being a baby, a brat, or just selfish. She has cheered for me when times were good and held me up when times were not. I know that no matter what happens in this life, I can depend on my momma. No, she may not like everything I do or say or choose, but she won't turn her back on me.

You can say what you want about your mother, and of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but as for me, I know that my momma is truly, the best.

I love you Momma! Happy Mothers' Day now and always,

Your Rebekah Rose, Becky-Boo, Beka

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Thank God for our neighbor- the same one we believe was shooting his gun in the street a couple weeks ago over a broken streetlight and that called the city on our cat- but thank God for him anyway. Today, he very neighborly loaned us the use of his tiller so that we could start a garden. Rob tilled the nicest garden patch we've ever had! While Matthew was at his baseball game, Robert and I worked together to plant: sunflowers and marigolds in the back and around the garden, two kinds of corn, three kinds of peppers, zucchini, yellow squash, carrots, green beans, watermelon, cantaloupe, and lots of tomatoes. I planted some hostas and kind of threw together a flower bed by the carport where Rob took out some half dead bushes for me. I also planted an herb garden; I've always wanted one of those! It's not planted prettily or neatly, but kind of like me- a thrown together, grow where it landed and bloom where you're planted garden. Hopefully it will still be pretty, smell good, and give us some fresh herbs for cooking this summer. I pray that God will bless our puny, and not-very-educated efforts at gardening with lots of fresh food this summer to save us on our grocery bill and to bless our neighbors, pastor(s), friends, and whomever we can.

My garden will never make the cover or even the fine print of Better Homes & Gardens and no one will ever "ooh" & "aah" at my ability or green thumb, but it was fun to work with my son, especially on this Mothers' Day weekend. And it will be yummy and healthy later, I pray and hope.

"It's Okay"

(For my little Denise, who will never know that she was used to teach me one of the most important lessons in life )

If I had forgotten, I was reminded today that even teachers and adults learn! More importantly I learned that the Creator of the universe knows where I am and even with all the things He has on his busy daily planner and to do list, He can still take time to see the smallest, least important person, need, detail... Yeah, God, I know. Even as I type this, He is reminding me of the lilies of the field and the birds of the air. He knows even when the birds die. He was watching my classroom today! That is such an awe-ing, humbling thought I cannot hardly wrap my mind around it.

As I've done this "egg"unit with my class, I wanted them to understand a couple really important ideas. First I taught them (and they really got this one) that even though we couldn't see it, there was a baby chick growing inside that egg. We were able to use an overhead projector to "candle" the eggs and we could "see" the chick growing & moving inside the egg. It was a wonderful experience for the kids and for me! According to the "official" national curriculum that I was loaned with the incubator the "embryo" doesn't become a chick until it pokes its little beak through the air space at the end of the shell and begins the hatching process. Well, that may be what the national curriculum writers say, but it's not what I taught my kids. I taught my kids the Truth according to the correct "Manual." I also worked hard to teach the kids that life brings ups and downs, and not all creatures survive in "this old world" of ours. I have taught and retaught and reminded the children many times throughout this unit that not all the eggs would develop and that not all the chicks would live. I have been very concerned that they not be overly upset by the concept of death through this project. I have reminded them that death is "part of life." I am probably overly sensitive to this topic since my own dad died when I was a child, but I wanted to help them understand this in a healthy way.
Well, today when I arrived at school, we had several chicks that had not survived the night, and several that had been born not quite completely developed and ready. The children had not arrived yet so we quickly moved the incubator up out of their sight. Thanks to many coworkers that came to our rescue, we were able to get the kids to a "safe" place, deal with the dead and dying baby chicks, clean up the mess... Throughout the day, we worked to dry off the sick chicks and tried to nurse them as much as we could. The kids were WONDERFUL!!! I am so VERY proud of them! They took all of this in stride, and reminded me (literally) that "this is just part of life."

Here is where the Lord comes in. While trying to play nurse, vet, or e.r. doctor, my little Denise came up to me and spoke to me. She didn't just talk to me like any other of my kids. She really spoke to my heart. Let me explain. Denise is a Spanish speaker. She barely knows any English and cannot, yet, speak English more than to name a handful of objects or colors. She mostly speaks to us in Spanish and is starting to use an English word paired with lots of Spanish words to try to communicate to us. This little child, touched my shoulder to get my attention, looked me deep in the eyes, and said, "Mrs. Thomas, it's okay." I replied something and started back to work. She repeated this once more, smiling at me very tenderly when she said it. I said something about "yes, it was okay..." and gave her a quick little smile and hug and went back once again to my work. But, Denise touched me again, looked at me and smiled, and said, "Mrs. Thomas, it's okay. Okay?" I know this will sound like nothing extraordinary to most people and to anyone that might know the child. To me, it had to be the voice of God speaking through a little girl from Mexico. It was His words and His smile and His heart that he put into my little Kinderchild to tell me that it was okay. I got it that time. I stopped what I was doing, hugged her tightly, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and said, "Yes, Denise it is okay." Then she went on with her day. Once I got it, she was done. It had to be God. It had to be the Creator getting my attention and letting me know that it was okay. Okay? Okay for what? I don't know. Maybe okay to be upset about some dumb, silly chicks; okay to care that the life I watched and helped hatch one day ago had not lived; okay to care that my kinders might be hurt or saddened; okay to care so much; okay to be "tender-hearted" as so many have called me this week; okay to be me; okay to be just the way I am- the way He must have made me for some strange reason that only He knows, but I will understand someday; okay to be Rebekah.

I posted this on my class website tonight as part of today's "summary" for parents- One thing I've been re-taught today- life is hard sometimes, but there is always good if you look. In the end, "it's okay!" Okay to be sad, to cry, to feel disappointment. Okay, to be happy, to cheer, to feel enthusiasm.

I've thought about it some more. There isn't always good if you look. There's always God if you look. May I always find God wherever I look. And may I remember that "it's okay." May I never forget today's school lesson.

Waiting Room Nerves

Please join me in the waiting room. :) I am nervous and excited!!! Today was "Hatching Day" in my classroom, and my children and I (as well as much of the school) have been eagerly awaiting this day. Since I have never done this project before, I was not quite sure what too expect. We all kept checking the incubator every few minutes hoping to see a chick. It must be hard work to break through all that! By day's end (which was 6 PM for me today), I saw six eggs with their first pip marks. I could hear the chicks chirping too through their shells and through the incubator! I can't wait to go back and see what we have in the morning. We did have one early hatcher that didn't survive, and we had to talk about life today. I was very proud of my students. I was more upset about this death than they were. One little kinderkid told me, very sweetly, "It's okay, Mrs. Thomas; that's part of life." :) Guess they do listen to me, huh? :) I am so grateful and thankful that a couple coworkers came and helped me. One lady, LeAnne, did the "dirty" work of opening up the eggshell a bit and looking at the baby chick. And Sarah helped me make the decision of whether it was alive or not. I hated that part!!! But, as my little one reminded me, this is part of life. Not all creatures survive or live a full life.
Thanks God, for the life you've given me and the opportunity to be a part of my kinderkids' lives!