Work Frustrations!

To my mother-in-law, momma, sister, friends, or anyone else who may read this, just a warning. This is just me venting to myself tonight. I am probably going to sound immature, childish, stupid, or any other # of descriptive words that are not very complimentary. I am sorry. I'm just really, really frustrated right now. We're taking a Saturday trip to the mountains to just "get away" from our work frustrations right now. I sure hope the peace & beauty of God's creation & His mountains will help soothe my hurt feelings and raw emotions.

Earlier this week, a coworker came into my room and over to me and asked me, "What's wrong with you? What's your problem?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Then yesterday a different coworker came into my room and closed the door behind her to tell me that "everyone" in K wanted to know "what was wrong with me...." Then came a list of ways I have been rude, unkind, unfriendly, cold, distant, etc. with certain members of our grade level. I heard a list of my wrongs, some of which were flat untrue such as that I had changed my "p.e." time to avoid being with another teacher, that I ate at the end of the table because I don't want to eat with them, that I am cold and unfriendly with them, that I joke and cut up and am friends with so & so and so & so, but then don't act the same with others.... Supposedly, the grade level feels I am depressed or down and "quite concerned" about me. There are some that feel I don't like them....

So, of course, me being who I am, I cried all the way home, questioned myself all night and all day today, am extremely embarrassed and self-conscious that I am the focus of attention and conversation for some, and angry that people have to discuss me like that instead of just coming to me and asking me directly. If "they" are so concerned, why didn't anyone act like a friend and just come talk to me. If someone is so upset that I don't like her, then why didn't she ever just come ask me what the problem was, especially when everyone says how I'm "such a nice, pretty, funny, friendly, sweet person..." Make me puke! But seriously if I am such a nice person, normally, then wouldn't it seem odd that I would just dislike someone or multiple persons for no reason. Wouldn't it be possible that in fact, I do like whomever and that there is something else at play. Then to know that others just jumped on the gossip mill and added to it. Not to mention that I have heard almost all of these people badmouth all the others at one time or another. And I don't just mean badmouth, I mean BAD mouth. And last spring, somebody told a big lie about me to my former assistant, which she believed, and then she was really upset, hurt, and mad at me.

So what did I do? Classic Rebekah move- send everyone an apology for being so ugly and rude and making people feel so uncomfortable around me. Then today, at lunch, someone got up and insisted that I sit in their chair with the rest of this "group" (not all our grade level feels this way, by the way, just this group). What could I do but sit there? I sure didn't want to and it's not because I don't like them (although I am upset right now). It's just that I don't like mind games and being manipulated. I sit in the same stupid spot I have always sat in for reasons I explained which I shouldn't have had to- I like to see my kids, I am claustrophobic and like to be on the end, and I am a FAT A*** and don't like to crowd people so I sit on the end so I can give people more room plus where I sit I can see my "old" kids as they come in to lunch. This is so JUNIOR HIGH it's not funny! I hated junior high and I sure don't want to act like a dumb kid when I'm in my upper 30's for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to inform these coworkers of this, but my world doesn't actually revolve around them. I actually don't sit and think about ways to snub them, and ways to "show them up" (as at least one of them thinks I do) and ways to be a snot to them. I actually don't think of them much at all. See, I have a life- I am a mom, wife, daughter, and teacher. I have enough to think about with all of that without adding diabolical plans to be mean to everyone I work with to my day. I'm not that mean! I have a husband I adore that I worry about and his concerns to think about. I have three great teenagers who have a lot on their schedules (which transfers to mine) and a lot to learn and who need parents who are there for them for their problems and trials and life lessons and future plans. I have two parents and a sister far away from me that I try to stay in touch with and who I worry about and who I can't be there for since I am far away from them. I have a classroom full of little ones depending on me to teach them, love them, and be a role model for plus parents and families who need me to be there for their kids plus a couple friends who are about to be student teachers and who are relying on me to help them whenever I can. I have new responsibilities I have never had before at work that I take seriously like being on the leadership team, being a mentor and being a "buddy teacher" for someone who is new to the U.S. and certainly the "N.C." way.

I am so frustrated right now that if it weren't for the $ my family needs, my two student-friends who are counting on me, and the former kids of mine that I really want to stay there for, I would just give my 30 days notice and go find another job. I'm seriously questioning my future at AJE.

Home

I want to go home- I want to be a little girl and put my head in my momma's lap and just cry. I wish I could just go home for the weekend and be my momma's little girl.

Summer Weather- Wrong Season!

Well the weather outside is summer, even though the calendar says it's definitely fall. Wish the summer weather would realize it's outlasted its welcome and move on. Guess it's just having too much fun here with us. I've never had to run the air conditioner in October before, but I guess there's a first for everything. At the rate we're going, we'll still be running the air when my family comes out for Thanksgiving!

Yesterday, in the spirit of fall, if not the actual weather, Rob decided to start doing some of the fall planting. I had purchased mums, tulip & daffodil bulbs, and some root starts of ferns and hostas for our yard. I "helped" as much as I could with a hurt back. He did the digging, and I did the planting part. I made sure I bent over correctly and very slowly, and I didn't do any lifting or digging or hard work. The heaviest thing I held was a small bag of bulbs and the garden hose. I also went to Walmart and walked along as Matthew put everything in the cart and pushed the cart for me. Oh, and I helped Rob clean up our bedroom yesterday too, which consisted of me just taking the jewelry boxes and basket off my dresser, dusting, and putting everything back, picking up dirty laundry, and putting away my clean clothes. Then last night, I sat and folded laundry that the boys carried to me. Again, no lifting at all!

All that was not much work, but I was feeling what I had done by bedtime, and I woke up in the night in a lot of pain again! UGH! I finally got up and took some of the "drugs" the Dr. prescribed me hoping it would help by church time, but now I am dizzier than dizzy, and still hurting some. So Rob has strongly suggested that I stay home. I wouldn't be able to sit through a whole service without getting up and moving, and if I do that I'll be falling down from dizziness. So once again, I miss church. I give up on ever being a "good Christian'' in my own eyes. I know I'm not, and that's a fact, even if others try to argue that point with me!

Well, I guess I'll lay/lie (I can never get that one right) back in this chair and doze some more before I try to do some school work and fold more laundry this afternoon. Hope I'm not hurting tomorrow because I can't miss any more work.

Hope the fall weather comes soon! I'm ready for it to be fall!!!!! And I'm ready for my back to be normal again, ready to sleep in my own bed again instead of this recliner, ready to get back to exercising and losing weight, just plain ol' ready!

Until then, I'm lazily, sorely, and warmly your Rebekah :)

Nice Day- Tired & Sick- but Nice Day Anyway

Today, my new class of kinders joined all of Kindergarten and went on our first field trip. It was fun! The kids, though typically squirmy and still immature as new kinders, were great, and made me proud! They have grown so much in just a few weeks already; as Kristen and I rode at the front of the bus on the way back "home to school" we looked at our kinderkids and discussed how much some had already grown and changed and improved. My thanks go to God for helping us through the rough first few days/weeks with these "babes" He's entrusted to us.

Rob has been sick these past few days with a sinus infection/cold/something. I've been trying to not burden him with my back problems. Rob has been so good to me, better than ever in our marriage! He will never know how much it meant to me that he willingly, and on his own desire, left work to take me to the Dr. last week. That's a first for him, ever in our marriage! I have tried to sleep in our bed, but it is causing extreme pain, so I am back to the recliner, for who knows how long- at least until for the time being. Rob has been sleeping on the floor in the family room on his sleeping bag just to "be near me" and to keep me company while I sleep. He is such a good husband to me! Things weren't always this way with us, but I am so glad that God kept us hanging on to each other in the bad times so we could get to these good times.

I came home from school with a terrible headache, and by the time I got back from taking kids to youth group, I have a fever, the chills, and severe sinus pain/pressure. Guess I got Rob's germs from across the room! Oh well, guess that's the price I'll have to pay for having such a great hubby! :) So now I sit here, feeling lousier than lousy, but I am so thankful for my husband and family.

And, it was a nice day, thanks to God, a great teaching assistant/student teacher/co-teacher/friend, a great group of kinderkids, & a wonderful family.

Thankfully His,
Rebekah :)

Please Watch This

The youth group at our church performed this video a couple weeks ago; the song is "Everything" by Lifehouse. Rob & I were very moved. Robert found it on the internet by other groups (below are two versions), and we have watched it again and cried again here at home. It was really hard for me as a former parent attempted suicide last year & I heard last month that she had killed herself. I couldn't help but think of all the kids and families I have worked with over the years. I wish I could share more of His love with them.... I wish they understood.....

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nig4Rbeoqwk&mode=related&search=

Back to Work I Go

Well, after five days of pain & four days of rest, laying around, and medicines, I'm back to school tomorrow. If I keep inactive and take it easy, I almost feel back to normal. I can't sit forward for very long, stand up, sit up straight, walk or move around much without feeling pain and the longer I go, the worse it gets. BUT, if I take it VERY easy, I feel pretty good. I haven't even taken pain medicine today and only at bedtime last night.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when I go back to work and have to do my job; teaching isn't exactly a sit down on your duff all day kind of job. But we'll see how it goes. I'm trusting God to help me not overdo, and to know if I need to call the Dr. back. I'm also trusting Him that He can just take care of this all in the first place and I won't have to do anything else, but use the brains He gave me. :)

So, now I'm working hard at Rob's school laptop (Thanks Rob!) in my recliner preparing my lesson plans, newsletter, teaching materials, and a bunch of other stuff I do every week, but don't think about until I am home a bit and, wow!, I realized tonight I do a lot of work for my job! :)

Goodnight!
Rebekah the "gimpy" one! :)

My Flowers

I've been a total & complete bum today. I've been in bed or in the recliner all day, and I can't stand it anymore! Barbara stayed home with me today to help me get up, bathroom, fix me food/drink, wait on me.... Mostly she watched movies and watched me sleep while playing on her computer with her new Myspace page.

I had to get up and at least move around a bit. All these medicines are making me dopier than I normally am.

Everyone laugh here.

So, since summer is "officially" over and hopefully the weather here will eventually realize it is time to cool down, I am posting one of my favorite pix. These are all flowers from our garden, and I played around to make this collage of some of my favorites.

So, it's almost time to go back to dopey, sleepy, drowsy-land. Here, I go-o-o-o-o-o

Pop's Okay

Momma just called and Pop made it through the surgery okay. He gets an overnight stay in the hospital due to the late hour of the surgery, his age, being a diabetic, but the Dr. says he's fine and will go home in the morning.

Now I'm taking my medicine and going to bed! Nighty-night!

AAAAGGGGHHH - Back Pain

I woke up at 10:30 last night and was in extreme pain and couldn't move. Rob had to help me get up & to the bathroom. I was up most of the night trying to lay still and not make it hurt any worse or trying to find a position to sleep in that was not painful. Finally at 3:30 I ended up in the recliner trying to get some sleep. This morning, Rob had to help me do everything from showering, getting dressed, putting on my shoes/socks, and getting into a vehicle to get to work. I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I've put in a half day at school, and am here waiting for Rob to come home and take me to the Dr. I HURT!!!!!!!!!!! I hope nothing serious is wrong with me. I can't figure out what I could have done to do this. All I know is when I stood up from sitting on my cedar chest talking to my mom last night, I felt a bit sore way down low, but it wasn't bad- just like I pulled something or slept on a cold muscle.

Oh, my aching back! I don't feel like sitting here by the front door in this uncomfortable chair working on my computer, but if I go lay down or sit in anything any lower, I'll never get up. I'm not sure I'm going to get out of this chair as it is. So, back to doing interim reports while I wait for Rob.

Did I say, I HURT!!!!!!!!! yet? :)
Achingly yours,
Rebekah :)

It's a Calgon Kind of Week!

I'm running on so little sleep right now, and my engine is just about out of steam for the day. It's only 5:30 P.M., and I have interim reports to complete and a lot of other stuff to do for tomorrow too.

Today was my first "sick day" for this school year. Rob & I were up with a teenager issue (which is all I'll say here so my child won't be embarrassed or mad at me for exposing him/her to the world-smiles) until oh, about 2AM-ish last night/this morning. I got up for school @ 5:15 and called off work. Rob did the same and we kept said teenager home too.

In order to call off work, I had to go online and "call-in," then prepare the sub plans and folder and take them to school, lay everything out a sub needed, then go home, pick up a child and take them to school before I could come home and take a nap. It was after 9 before I climbed back into bed. Rob had to do the same only getting home a little sooner than me, lucky dog! :) And of course, being an insomniac, I didn't get much more sleep anyway!

When we got up we spent the day talking with said teenager, visiting our pastor and having some time with him, getting lunch out (compliments of the teenager), then repeating my "school run" again to pick up some stuff I needed to do work for school that is due tomorrow and then to pick up another child from school. Now Rob has gone to get the last child from school and we will be able to eat supper and get on with our evening.

My momma called me today also to let me know something she couldn't tell me last night with the other "upsets" of the evening going on- that my dad has something wrong with him. He has spent his day & Momma too at the dr.'s office and then the surgeon's and is now at the hospital getting tests and awaiting emergency surgery. My sister is in Michigan taking classes for her job (she's a pastor at a church in Rock Island), and is eight hours away from home right now. She may have to leave her classes early to get back home. Then there's me- I'm stuck here in NC and can't get home!

My boys have been butting heads again lately too, and Sunday evening was spent helping them work out their differences. I think they both just want to be in charge of themselves, and maybe the rest of us too. Boy, this "alpha male" thing is not fun as the mom of two teenage boys less than three years apart. They both know more than the other, and one is so insecure right now that the other one can't even breathe without it meaning "he thinks he's better than me...." And the other one can't see past himself to sympathize or "be kind" to younger/more insecure brothers.... Ugh!!!!!!!!!! Can I scream now? :)

Work has been a bit stressful too this past week, and I won't say much here & now, but I'm getting tired of the whole mess! I want to stick my head in the sand, or better yet, right now if I could just go away for a week or two to the mountains or the ocean and sit on a deck and read, snooze, take walks, read, snooze, snooze some more.... that would be so nice!!!!!!!!!

When we were "back home" I worked with a lady named Marty; she and I had a running joke about these kinds of days or weeks- they were "Calgon days." You remember the old Calgon commercials where the lady would say "Calgon, take me away!" and she would climb in the tub full of bubbles and all her troubles would just go away? Well, she and I even started passing a little trial size bottle of Calgon back & forth when we were having these days or saw the other one was. It always made us laugh.

Yup, this has definitely been a "Calgon"-kind of week! Is it Friday yet?

And, if anyone reads this, please pray for my parents- Pop's name is Paul Lane, and he's my adopted dad. Dad # 1 died when I was a kid (most people who know me don't know this), but I'd really like to keep Dad # 2 around a bit longer if I can.

Now, where's the Calgon? :) :) :)

Friday Night At Last

Thank God it's Friday! It's been quite a week, and I am so ready for a break, if not from school work, at least from the building itself. Although, now that I say that, I am likely going to have to spend a little time in my classroom this weekend preparing things for next week's learning centers.... Oh well, if the saying is true that there is "no rest for the wicked," then at least I understand why I'm running so much lately.

Every day this week, someone was calling me, requesting my "presence," or asking me questions or to do something. I felt like I was going six million directions, and not getting far in any one direction.

So now, it's 9 PM on Friday night. I've had supper with Rob & Matthew while Barbara Rose was at work and Robert was at a friend's house before youth group. After Matthew left for church, we went to the Y. Now I am going to go do more school work for the rest of the evening in the family room where my best friend- Rob- is working too. Oh, the boring life we lead. :)

Thank God for Fridays!!!!!!!!!

Girls Night Out, or "Chilling with my Peeps" as Barbara calls it :)

Today our school was part of a "Celebration of Excellence." The top 15 most improved schools were in the whole county were invited to attend, and although AJE didn't make the AYP goals, and we still have a long way to go, we did make some big improvements. I went to the ceremony, along with my assistant & friend, Kristen and two other ladies in my school who have become my friends- Erin & Cathy.

Now, I'll sidetrack a minute here to say, that these three ladies & I are sort of "out of the group" of the rest of our grade level, or at least we feel that way. There is sort of a little clique forming in our building, and we definitely aren't part of the clan. So we decided tonight to give ourselves a name and everything; we got a little silly with this! :)

So, back to my story. Today, I knew that we four were all going, so I came up with this brainstorm to all ride together and then stop and get a bite to eat on our way back to the school. So we did. We all piled in my car and rode to G'boro to the Coliseum. We had fun being silly and smart aleck. But then, when we left the real fun began! I don't think I've laughed that hard or long since I moved to NC!!!!!!!!!!! We laughed, one-lined, giggled, and almost peed our pants all the way to the restaurant and then all the way to school. It was hysterical! When we got to the eatery- the host asked us if we wanted to "keep this buzz going" because we were being so silly. Cathy & I were laughing about how silly and fun we were being without having one drink. Cathy asked us if we could imagine how we would act if we actually drank? :)

I have lots of fun with my family, and we're all a bunch of smart-alecks, but outside of my family, I have not had so much fun in I don't know when... We talked about school, "wordy-dirds," school, family, and I don't know what all. I don't think I've ever had a "girls night out" before, and I hope I can do it again with my friends. It was more fun than I can say! After two years away from my family & my few good, good friends that I saw not often enough, it is so nice to be able to say I have some friends in NC!!!!!!!!

So, tonight, I thank You, God for a fun evening with my friends and for having some friends that I can do something with besides just be friends at work. I am so happy to not be alone in my world. :) And, if my friends should read this, thanks for a wonderfully, silly, fun evening!!!! I love you three a lot, and think the world of you! "Cheep, cheep, cheep." :) Ha! Ha!

Bruised Shins & A Heavy Heart

My school year began on the very first day with restraining a child in my classroom who was trying desperately to get away from the class and back to his mommy. It was hard; I left for the day with bruised arms and a very sore back!!! It was gut-wrenching. The next day was another ordeal, but thankfully it was shorter- lived.

Over the past couple weeks, several of us have had to help out in another classroom with children with serious behavior issues. One child has threatened, and carried out on some of those threats, most of us who have worked with him/her.

Today, once again, I had to help restrain a student in our building. It was quite interesting what he had to say to me. I found out that I am a "big, stupid f-----er" several, several times. I also had several "offers", in truth, threats, to be f----ed up & f----ed over- hmmm, never heard it put that way. I was repeatedly threatened with those & other threats to bite me, kick me in the head (which was also done, but it didn't hurt because I'm too tall for a kick to really get me), and just "get me." When all is said & done, I have come home with bruises on my shins, a sore nose, a headache from being headbutted & screamed at, and tired, tired, tired. I was blessed from above that the bites didn't break my skin, that he didn't draw blood on either of us (that's a big blessing!!!!), that he didn't get away from me and out the door, and that although I'm a little sore and tired, I am not hurt and the whole event ended eventually.

It is NOT fun being in that position with a child. And I HATE doing that job. But most of all, it hurts my heart that a small child can be so violent, so angry, and so exposed to the bad in this world. God, how unfair this is!!!!!! Help me to pour Your love into the lives of all the people- little & big- I encounter each day.

Nice weather- finally

One of the things I miss about the Quad Cities (or living in the more northern parts of the Midwest) is that after Labor Day, it's not hot! Boy, it's been warm here, and I'm so ready for fall weather. Well after yesterday's rain, it has finally cooled down, and we turned off the air. We're sitting here with our windows open and the fans on, and I can here the crickets and katydids chirping. It's so nice! I'm going to go to bed and enjoy the cool, fresh, night air and the insects outside my window. Really makes me want to go camping. Hope we can scrounge up some $ for that soon.

Night God! Thanks for some nice weather finally.

It's Raining! It's Raining! It's Raining!

It's raining in Greensboro, NC!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know how long it's been since we've seen rain here? I can't even remember when the last time was it rained here. It's been ages! We're under a state wide burn ban and water restrictions. I've been praying for rain, and now it's come.

THANKS GOD!!! We need the rain, the plants, animals, forests, farmers...., but I needed the rain too. Guess I get that from my momma, but I love the rain and the storms, and I miss that about the Midwest! We even had tornado warnings and "real" weather here this afternoon. :) :)

Maybe I'll open my window tonight and listen to the rain. And, God, if you could end this drought and let us have more rain. The area really needs it, but my "soul" is dry too- not my spiritual side, but just the part of me that is me. It needs the rain too. Maybe I should have moved to the west coast since I like the rain so much. He! He!

God Talks to Dummies- I'm Proof!!!!

Okay, tonight I went with Rob to the Y; didn't really feel like it, have too much to do for school and a checkbook that's horribly past due on some upkeep (I don't have a clue how much $ we have left or if I even have enough for the rest of our month and a stack of receipts to enter and to balance....)... But we went anyway. I was feeling a bit homesick & low about some things with work and wishing I could understand better and at the same time knowing I need to quit worrying and caring so much about what people think and whether they like me .... (my usual issues).

I took my player and was listening to my Mercy Me songs. Mercy Me & Casting Crowns are without a doubt my favorite groups- it's like they see right into my heart & life and know just what to write & sing about. Let me say, it was an experience like I've never had before. First off, let me say that somehow the good Lord must have kept my feet moving and my legs from falling out from under me & I did 2 miles- which I know is no big deal for most people, but when you are a "lard-butt" like me it is a BIG deal!!!!!!!!! But, more importantly, I had to actually work to not cry as I walked 20 laps around the track. It was like God was talking to me while I walked and listened to my music. Let me see if I can explain.

For a long, long time I've felt like something was missing; everyday was the same- get up and go to work and come home and cook/eat & do schoolwork and go to bed only to repeat this every day. Sure, I know I was touching lives- I'm sure lots more than I realize- but while I was working at my last school (a nice Lutheran school), I just kept feeling like I was not doing what needed to be done- even though I'm sure that God gave me that job and it was in His plan for me to be there. I kept thinking about how Jesus said he had not come for the well but the sick. I prayed for so long that He would allow me to get back in the public school system so I could be more helpful to those who needed His love and that I would be doing something for Him more than I was. But the doors were always closed; believe me I tried for years and could not get in. Then, in 2005 we moved to North Carolina- here I am. I still sometimes struggle a little with why we had to leave our family behind, our friends, our fields of corn & winter snow, the Midwest where we'd lived all our lives, and everything we knew. My kids had a hard time with our move and that worried me too. But, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm where I belong. A long time ago there was Michael W. Smith song about finding "my place in this world" and that is what I was looking for. And now I have kids who aren't well off and don't come from well-to-do families, and guess what? I love it! I love my kinderkids from all over the world and from NC. I love my class of little people who love me back and take in all the love I give and give it back to me and learn all I can teach and teach me and bring lots of joy and sometimes a little/lot of frustration and worry to my life. And it's really been sinking in with me lately that although I am far away from my family and can't be there for them when they need me (& that does really hurt a lot!!!!), I am finally "Where I Belong." Tonight while I was walking (and my knee & feet were screaming) I heard this song again, but it was like it was the first time I'd ever heard it all over again. It's a Mercy Me song and it was like God said, "Hey dummy (I'm just kidding!), this is where you belong. You belong here, in the gap, for the little people I placed with you to love them for Me and to hug them and show them some light and joy and happiness and to teach them how to read, write, spell and do math and how to get along with others, but to also mention Me when you can and to show them My love... So, though I miss my family terribly sometimes, I am where God wants me to be, where I belong. I can't be anywhere else but where He wants, and if I go where He wants, then I am where I belong.

Here are the lyrics from that song: "Where I Belong"
Everybody hopes
That maybe somewhere down this road
We'd finally find that place where we belong
That place where we're complete
The one that occupies our dreams
That place we're lucky to call our home
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside
So I raise my hands
And shout Your name
To praise You with my song
My dream's at hand
I've found my place
The place where I belong
Everybody tries
To find the purpose for their life
In hopes that one more day is justified
But once you truly see
The very reason why you breathe
It becomes so much more than getting by
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside


Another song of theirs is Bring the Rain & it's what I wish my life's story could be like, what I wish people could say about me. It's what I am working on doing/being for you God. So, God, if I have to hurt for little ones that have horrible lives and for coworkers who are ugly because they don't know You and aren't happy, if I have to be away from my family and be homesick, then help me to be able to really, truly say this and live it. Let this be my witness for You.

Bring me joy. Bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain.

Something to Think About

Race, heritage, ethnicity, skin color- all words people use to describe the way people look or where they come from or what kind of people they are.

There was a staff meeting yesterday where the "divide" between white & black students came up. A staff member made a comment that really has me thinking about myself. Do I treat students differently based on the complexion of their skin? Do I give better education to my fair-skinned students and less to those of darker complexion? I really don't think so. I am really trying to wrap my brain around this.

As much as I put myself down, critique & criticize myself, I would think I would have caught this in myself if it were happening as well as any number of administrators I've had. But then again, it is a "white world," and maybe I'm just blind. So I'm trying to be very aware of the ways I treat my kids. The problem is I really don't look at my kids and think "black, white, Asian, Mexican, girl, boy...." I just see my kinderkids and see their individual personalities, strengths and weaknesses. I sure hope I'm not a closet bigot!!! That's the last thing in the world I'd ever want to be and if I'm guilty of treating African American (or any other group) of students worse, than I need to quit teaching before I do any damage!

A Prayer

God,
I know that the tiny, little, silly, petty concerns of my day are not important at all in the scheme of things- dying souls, starving people, wars, famines, droughts, cancer.... are all so much more important. But, if You could help to either change me or change the situation I am in or both, I'd really appreciate it! You know what it is I'm referring to and how I am feeling about myself, my work situation, myself.... Could you bring unity and a sense of "team" to my building? Could you help me to not be so sensitive and care if not every single person likes me? Could you help me to really understand and believe that I don't have to be liked by everyone and who really cares if one or two people don't care for me?

Please help me to not see or hear petty looks, comments, and attitudes. Help me to quit worrying about "why" someone seems to dislike me and just go on and do my job. Which is what I've been doing, but I wish it would quit bothering me. There is just something so unsettled in my spirit around a couple people. When I'm in my room, I'm perfectly at peace (despite the kids -smiles), but when I go to lunch or meetings or at grade level meeting time (which is torture!), I can just sense it- like I'm not wanted at one end of the lunch table or I'm "out" of the group. It's just an ugly feeling, and I don't think it's just me being sensitive. Kristen sees it, and today someone else even commented on it who is not on our grade level. I mean it feels like something else- ugly and mean and wicked. I don't know if it's just because I don't drink and fool around and go to the strip club or other things like that and have tried to not hide that I love You- though I'm a terrible witness even considering that. I don't know, I really don't.

I just know that I have to do this grade level chairperson & leadership thing and I don't feel like I can. And it might be wrong, but God if you could make a way for a couple friends and I to be together next year it would be so nice! I would love to stay in K with them, but if I have to move, please show me that it is Your will and that I can do it. Show me what I should do both now and in the future. I'm trying to listen to You God, and I know I'm doing miserably, but I'm trying to live for You too.

Your Rebekah

A Full Rich Day

Well, it's the end of a "full, rich day" as one of the characters on M.A.S.H. says.

I spent most of the afternoon yesterday working in my classroom doing cleaning and reorganizing that I had intended to do this summer, but never did with summer school and family things to keep me busy. My storage cabinets are better organized, and I only have my desk to organize (it's at least stashed well now) and one tub of teaching materials inside a cabinet to finish working on. The room looks better, though much more bare, in my opinion. Oh well. Rob said maybe I can go back later and put things back up, but I don't think I will. It was too much work to put things up and get it arranged, and now that I've taken it all down, I think it will stay that way. Besides if the county wants only 20% of the walls covered, then that's what they'll get (or as close to it as I can get without totally sacrificing my teaching needs). I can't handle not getting good/perfect "marks" on everything I do (yes, to my sister, I am being a perfectionist). I'm still pretty upset with myself that I wasn't "up to perfect caliber" when my principal came through the other day. I feel like I let her down and mostly it bugs me that I wasn't perfect on some stupid piece of paper that will sit in a cabinet and be in my file. I realize that it's not that big of a deal, and I'll be over it in time, but I'm not there yet. Lesson for me to work on, I guess. :)

Oh well, other than that, the Board of Ed came through today, but it didn't impact most of us too much I don't think. Thank God for that!!!!!!!!!!! My students were surprisingly good today after having a weekend following two short weeks. They're starting to get the routines down better, and it was actually a nice day. I even made it to the Y tonight!

My only frustration is that our van broke down again tonight. And it's a repair that we paid for and had fixed at the end of May/early June. AAARRGGHH!!! If it can just hold off for a few more months, Please God, please, we've almost got it paid for. We're almost there, we're almost there.... That's my new mantra. I use it when I'm walking/swimming and feel like I'm going to die, when I'm balancing the checkbook & paying our bills, when I'm worried about my kids and being a bad mom... :) Smiles- I'm a nut!!!!!!!!!

Well, it's now 11 PM, and I need to get to bed. We're now down to one vehicle so that will mean an even earlier morning and a longer day the next few days.

Goodnight God! Thanks for everything You do for us, even if I don't see it.

Back To School "Party"

Saturday Rob & I had a back to school cookout for my coworkers and a few people we invited over from church. It was fun, and I think everyone had a good time- at least I hope so. :)

This is a picture of two of the cutest kids on the planet (after my own, of course!). :) Their moms are there too (Maria- in the back & Nicole- in the front); Maria is a K teacher on maternity leave. Nicole is a K teacher who has moved up to 3rd grade this year. And the kids? They are Autumn & Dallas. They were having fun inside running on this oval carpet like it was a race track going around & around! It was too cute!!!!!! And, Rob was proud of them because they were even going "the right direction," only a stock car person would think like that! :)