Reader be warned: This is probably a rant, and I am going to be honest. Just stop reading now because this is truly me just
journaling here to get out some negative feelings so I can get on with all the real work I have to do this weekend.
Yes, our students are failing. Yes, MY students are not passing the benchmark exams or other assessments at the level they need to be (a few are, but the VAST majority are not).
What does that mean, exactly? Why is this happening? How can it be fixed? What can I do to help my students be successful? These are the kinds of questions I ask myself on a daily basis and the kinds of questions others ask of us and ask in general frequently.
I am to the point that I am NOT going to even enter into these conversations other than to be a listener- sometimes active, willing listener & sometimes forced, unwilling listener (that will depend on the speaker's attitude towards my colleagues & me). I have been at that point for a while now because when we try to have honest conversations about this at work, well all we get back is that we are just "being negative, making excuses, not accepting our responsibility...." or "There are no more excuses, you HAVE to get them there."
I think that is what gripes me the most- we are NOT making excuses. We are being honest and saying these are the obstacles we face and how can we get through them? But the leaders of our education system these days don't want honesty, they want a magic cure. Folks, there isn't one! Our society is messed up, there are bad things out there in the real world where people live. Can kids overcome those things? YES!!!! I believe that wholeheartedly! Can they do it on the timeline the feds, the state, the district thinks with 100% success rate right now? Hardly! These problems and issues take years to work through, to struggle with, and fight through. But if we would all work together and support one another, these kids could be more than successful. But as long as we can't have honest conversations, I don't see how much will change. Kids will continue to struggle because they face things most of us middle-class teachers/administrators never even knew about, and they will have to have lots of long-term love and support and great instruction to get through it and come out successful.
Listen up people!!!!!!!! This is what I do on a daily basis. This year has NOT been fun for me- at all. But you know why I get out of the bed each morning? It isn't for you yuckity-shmucks, that's for sure! It isn't for the stupid benchmark exams or the kids' scores. I get out of bed because I see their faces- some days bright & shining and laughing, some days, dark and stormy and filled with anger and hurt and hatred. I get out of bed with the hope that I will love them one more day, teach them a little more that day, and help them live one more day knowing they are loved and that someone at school believes in them and knows they can be successful. I believe in the big picture, that I am just one person in a long line of educators and staff members who pours herself into them heart & soul in the hopes and prayers that someday those children will experience LIFE SUCCESS- not benchmark success.
We should be about helping kids succeed in life. I am who I am today because of a handful of people who loved me and helped me and taught me about life- yes about math and reading and writing, but most of all about life. My Momma, Pop, Daddy, sister, aunts & uncles top that list and one teacher. The one teacher who helped me the most in school probably taught me some amazing things, but you know what he did for me that made such a profound, long-term difference in my life? He loved me through a really hard, dark time in my life when I probably acted out the most, was a big brat, and didn't deserve all the patience he showed to me. He sent me a card in the mail to tell me he loved me and was thinking of me. He showed me daily that patience and love in class and saw past the hurt, confusion and anger that was going on inside me to the real Rebekah. He BELIEVED in me!!!!!!!! Even when I didn't!!!!!!!!!!!! And I went on to real school success later on because I wanted to make him proud. He never saw that success in his classroom, but many other teachers benefited from his work on me. I became a successful person in life because he put up with me and kept working on me. That is the kind of teacher I want to be.
There is NO ONE at my school that cares about my students more than I do! No one wants them to be more successful than I do! Their parents, for sure! But as far as staff, I am the one who is in this day-to-day fight with them, working more closely with them then others, being with them almost solid from 7:30-2:30 (and sometimes longer). I am the one who has to help them through the daily dramas, has to break up their fights, help them solve the constant aggravations they give each other, and work though their anger issues. I am the one who collects knives, assorted stolen items, and even things that appear to be drugs. I am the one who has to help them try to have a good day when they come to school in the morning hungry, having not eaten since lunch at school yesterday, or exhausted because they were up much later than an eight year old ought to be. I am the one who has to make the child abuse reports or listen to their stories from home which are not the shiny-happy people ones most of us grew up with. I am the one trying to help my English-language learners to understand grade-level concepts, read at grade level, work at grade level all while also learning this new language. I am the one trying to teach reading, writing, math, science, learn a new grade & a new curriculum with no support or help, NO observations, no constructive feedback, nothing but negative comments based on no actual classroom observations. How can you even criticize when you don't ever come into the room and sit down and watch me teach? I just do NOT understand that!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't see my principal or CF or regional superintendent or her peeps, let alone the superintendent, the governor (oh, don't get me started there) or anybody else in power coming in the room to actually observe what we really deal with, let alone help. Just this past week, I was "helping" an angry student down the hall trying to redirect them. I was hurting my back dealing with this student, and could have used some support. Someone "higher up" walked right past me, saw the situation, smiled and said, "It sure is warm today isn't it?" and just kept right on walking. But she'll be sure to tell my grade level chair how we aren't working hard enough????? REALLY???????? Where are these people when you try to teach and have to stop to deal with behavior issues? Where are they when the kids have real-life problems that we don't face, and I have to stop teaching to try to help them work through these things? NOT there!
So go away and stop talking to me about how much I stink, how little I do, how I am not doing enough or trying my best or working hard enough. Go do something else, but get out of my face!
The truly sad thing is that this is happening not just in my school, district, state, but all over our nation. Education is ruined, and the poor kids in "those" kinds of schools are suffering for all this mess. Teachers are too. Good teachers who work in schools that many educators wouldn't touch, teachers who should be supported for giving their all to kids and families. Instead, those same teachers who work long, LONG hours, give a lot of their family time and family $ away to the school/classroom/kids they serve, are being scapegoated, blamed, maligned to save the administrator's jobs. I try to understand, I really do, but I just don't see how any of this helps kids. So instead, I will move on if God will allow. Not sure where that will be, but for the first time in my life, I am going to at least look outside the field that I KNOW GOD CALLED ME TO. I cannot believe I am going to do that. I hope He will forgive me, but I am broken. Truly broken. I used to be a good teacher. Now I'm just a piece of junk trying to survive four more months, trying to help those kids I adore as much as I can in that short time before I say goodbye. Because in spite of what "they" think about me, I truly do care about my kids. I truly do.
