Long Distance Concerts, Christmas Trees, December Memories

Once while my Momma was going through her rough days of chemo, she missed a band concert of Robert's. I had just gotten a cell phone a few months before, and thinking she might like to hear his concert, and feeling a bit melancholy for her, I called her and held up the phone so she could still hear Robert's band play. I remember it was the jazz band, and I thought she would have really liked it.

Well, tonight, I did the same thing so Grandma could hear Matthew play with a few other young people in the East Forsyth Brass Ensemble as they performed at a tree lighting ceremony in Kernersville. I HATE being so far away from the family, hate the kids not having their grandparents around for these things. My parents have always tried to be at everything they could- even when we didn't live close by they still made it to some of the things the kids did. So I really hate that I took them away from their grandparents who are a big, important part of their lives. I HATE that I took the grandkids away from my parents who adore them, enjoy their company, and would like to be able to be at these important events. I HATE that I am alone with only Rob to watch the kids' "moments" pass by, with no mom or pop to make the memory with. So, tonight, I did the only thing I could. I called my mom and held up a cell phone so she could hear the band play, and cried in the dark.

But, it wasn't all homesick and "blues" as my family is full of clowns!!! Rob, Robert, & Barbara were full of wisecracks and jokes and laughing- Barbara especially!!!! Before the event, we picked Matthew up from the high school where he had practiced, and drove to Sonic where we ate and joked and laughed. Then we went to the park for the big ceremony. We left after Matthew played, and went back to G'boro to get a Christmas tree. I even tried to do a line from the movie Barbara & I hate- The Christmas Story- and got us all doing it. YIKES!!! We picked out our tree- a pretty white pine and have come home and begun the decorating process. We have our tree up with colored and white lights to please the kids and the mom. It has all our homemade, kid-made, momma-made, and other keepsake ornaments. It is a homey looking tree, but as I sit here and look at it in the dark, I realized that, though, the tree may not be very pretty to an outsider or make my home look "beautiful," each ornament that is on that tree has a memory of a child who made it, a momma who painted some when I was little, memories that come with some of those ornaments from my childhood, special memories of our younger/poorer/harder days as a young couple with young children. I may someday trade in a "homemade" tree for a "prettier" one, but I hope I can find a way to keep these special mementos to remember a life full of loved ones and good memories.

While we decorated, we had Christmas music going. Robert went in search of our large stash of Christmas music and acted as our DJ. Barbara & Matthew had fun dancing together in the kitchen and creating dance routines to the Trans Siberian Orchestra's version of music from the Nutcracker. It was too cute and too funny to watch them dancing, leg kicking, twirling, grabbing each other by the elbow and spinning... Then they, literally, begged me to let them hang lights all up and down the hall. I'm starting to get old enough that that doesn't really appeal to me, but as I opened my mouth to say no, I thought twice, and remembered that there are only a handful of years left, if that, that my kids will even be here to decorate with me. There are only a few years left that they will want to do that, and then it will all be gone- no kids to joke and tease with while we hang up things, no kids to watch dance and laugh together in the kitchen, no kids to say, "Please Mommy, can we have colored lights in our room/in the hall/on the door?" So, I quickly changed my mind and told them it was okay. So now my hall is lit up very gaudily, but the two are quite pleased and that's all that matters to me.

Now I sit here in the dark with the fireplace going full-steam (oh yeah, I forgot to write that we woke up without heat this morning, so it's getting kind of chilly again), and my candles are burning brightly in the dark, and the Christmas tree and angel on top are all shining, and it is all very pretty. Though I'm very homesick right now for my family, I'm so thankful for the family that came all this way with me. They make my days so much better, and make me a better person! It's been a wonderful, fun night, sure to give us all pleasant memories down the road. So, as I drift off to sleep, I'll say Thanks Father for a way to share a brief moment of time with my momma through a silly cell phone (a century ago, that would not have even been possible, two centuries ago, I would have never even seen my family again if I'd made this move). Thanks for Your birth and what this holiday is really about. Help me to keep focused on that and not to forget it in all the busy-ness. And Thanks for a fun evening chock full and overflowing in laughter and fun with my family!!!!!!!!!!

Woooo-hooooo (A BIG accomplishment- no pun intended)

Okay, I'm FAT!!!!!!! Obese. Elephantine. Large. Full-bodied. Overweight. Hefty. Big Mama (yes, I've been called that at school). Plus size. And, yes, I've been told, "You have such a pretty face." :) A typical fat person compliment.

I've also worked on not being so fat for years with no real, lasting success. I've exercised, tried to watch what I eat, etc. so many times I can't even count them all. But this summer, I really got serious about asking God to help me and me sticking to my guns about working on this weight issue. My goal is realistic, I think. I am almost 37. My goal is to be as close to a more ideal weight by the time I hit 40 as I can. I may never be small, but I think I can at least be a much more healthy weight by then. And as I am making better eating and exercise habits, this weight should be able to be maintained and maybe even keep losing after I am 40, but I know this is really getting to be my "last chance" to get the weight off before I hit those famous middle-age years. Instead of worrying so much about a "poundage" I'm going to try to focus on dropping dress sizes and inches and that's really what I need to focus on.

So, without really having the $ for it, Rob and I both decided to join the Y this summer since we found out about a GCS employee discount. So since mid-July we have been going faithfully to the Y 3-5 times a week. I started swimming and treading water, but began to start walking some also as school started. I could barely do a 1/2 mile when I first started walking, but am now up to about 2 miles. :) I can now tread water for 30 minutes or more too without being even very tired. :)

Now for the really honest, embarassing part. When we first started going, I was too fat to be able to weigh on the scales in the Y. I have estimated my weight, and I think it's probably a pretty good guess. The scale has been moving, slowly- VERY slowly. In mid- September I hurt my back at work, but kept going on exercising for another week or two. But by late-September, I could hardly walk, stand, sit, and couldn't even get in/out of bed without Rob just having to pull me out with me literally screaming. That put an end to my exercise routine, and I've been concerned about it. After about a month of pain, I started doing some walking around our neighborhood, but it hasn't been much at all. Tonight, two months since I hurt my back, I went back to the Y. I started by weighing myself, figuring I'd picked up some pounds. BUT, oh my goodness- I have continued to lose weight!!!!!!!! I'm now down about 30 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!

God must be helping me, because there is no other explanation for it. So now I'm counting on You, God, to help me keep this up and lose another 30 pounds and then another 30 and another and another. I would like to do this another 5 times. Yeah, that's a good way to look at it- 30 pounds X 5. I can do that. Just a few pounds at a time. And at this rate, I should start dropping the clothes sizes soon.

THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING ME LOSE 30 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweetbitter

I know, I know- the word is actually " bittersweet," but I'm calling it this because I try to look at things from the positive- not that I actually am good at that, but I try anyway.

Tonight is the end of our family holiday time. My parents and sister have been here for Thanksgiving, arriving on Tuesday afternoon/evening and leaving tomorrow after they go to church with us. Last year we started doing Christmas too so that we can be together for opening presents instead of being apart and not seeing each other open the gifts. Plus, as fellow members of the "payday-to-payday" club, it helps us all save on postage. :)

Sweet parts- This is a good thing to have them come see us. I know from our own travelling back home how expensive it is- MUCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is a sacrifice for them to pay for all that gas and hotel rooms and food and that they really don't have it to spend, but probably gave up something else to come. And, though I am not as old as my parents, and though my family may not understand how much teachers really do work, I do understand how tiring a 2000 mile round trip is and how hard it is to make that trip when you have to go right back to work. I know that my mom and sister both have to go back to work the day after they get back. I also know that, as my parents remind us, they are getting older and the travelling is harder on them then it used to be, so they are already really worn out and will be more so. SO, I'm so very thankful and appreciative that they would come all the way here for us to all be together for Thanksgiving!!! They could have just left it up to us or said, "You should come home to us for the holidays." But they didn't and haven't and have made the journey each of the three falls since we've been here in N.C.

We've had a lot of fun together and lots of laughs. They were also here for another round of "Parenting AAAAAHHHHHH"- the latest new parenting game guaranteed to drive you crazy!!! I was glad Momma & Pop were here for Rob and I in person this time; it helped a lot!!!! We stood in our bedroom together late one night and talked and cried and prayed together for the kids, one in particular. We also surprised Momma with a 5 year cancer survivor "thing" too since her five year mark was last week. Jessica and Barbara picked out all the decorations and bought her gifts. She and Babs and Matthew stayed home today and decorated the house and cooked the dinner and dessert- all dishes Jessica knew Momma likes and a couple "Jessica" specialties. Rob, Robert, Pop, & I took Momma out to an historical site here in Greensboro to distract her. I was bummed because I had really wanted to do this special, but probably hokey, rose thing for her as my contribution, but Jessica and Pop didn't feel like it would work since the flowers wouldn't survive the trip, plus with our distraction I couldn't get to the florist anyway. But I think my sister and kids did a nice job and Momma was really surprised so all's well that ends well.

Bitter- Now I can feel the bitter part coming, and I feel like you do when you have a big, old band aid that you need to take off the hairy part of your arm. You know it's going to REALLY hurt, and you dread it and don't want to do it, but also know it's best if you just yank hard and get it over with instead of pulling gently and slowly and drawing it all out...

I felt teary and a bit down before they got here thinking about the goodbye that was also going to be a part of the "hello," but decided not to think about that too much and just enjoy the time they were here. But now the goodbye is almost here and I've got to get myself together enough to not blubber my eyes out until they're gone and not in the church parking lot. You'd think after two years and four months, I'd be doing better. It's not like we haven't gone home to see the family or they haven't come here. I just get so homesick for my family. And knowing Christmas is coming and we can't go home to be with them, and that we'll be out here alone and they'll be out there without us. Knowing it will be months again before we see them... Knowing that it pains my daughter, especially, to be apart from her aunt and grandma who are big influences in her life and who I know she misses a lot- more than she lets on. Knowing that I took the grandkids away from the grandparents and that the grandparents really miss the kids.

So, like many, many things in life, this week has been sweetbitter- a lot of good followed by a bitter pill. I never was good at swallowing pills, and I sure have a hard time with this pill. I just keep hanging on to the sure feeling that Rob & I had when we moved that this was in God's plan. Sure hope we weren't stupid on that one!

Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for so many, many things. God, thank you for:

• Your way of salvation
• Your unending love & mercy
• putting up with my many, many faults and still loving me somehow for some reason
• giving me a momma & a daddy that loved me and wanted me and brought me into this world & who started me on the path to knowing you
• giving me an adopted dad who loves me like his own and who has been a good father and terrific grandfather to my kids and a dad to Rob too
• allowing me the privilege of growing up in a Christian home where I was taught about You and saw a Godly example before me every day so that I know what is right & wrong and how to live for You
• a sister who loves me even though we haven't always gotten along or agreed on everything
• sending me Rob (and at such a young age too) to be my husband, love, best friend, father of my children, and my life-mate
• giving us three beautiful & wonderful children whom I adore and couldn't imagine life without
• helping Rob & I to survive the bad times in our marriage and hang on to see these good days
• helping us through all the past troubles- money, housing, cars, college, sickness, no food, no sleep, no money, no time, no patience, sometimes no love...
• helping us through our current troubles- money, car, kids, work, no sleep, no money, no family nearby but our crew of 5
• being with me when I feel so lonely, down, homesick, stressed out, tired- or more like exhausted, sick...
• guiding our steps wherever they have gone
• being with us when our family was in the Philippines and our problems were monumental
• being with us always
• all the "material" blessings you've provided for us- food when we need it, a vehicle to drive, and help to fix them when they've broken, clothes on our backs, Christmas for the kids many times when we didn't have it to do, a place to stay warm and dry- and now such a nice place to live on top of it
• all the times You've shown yourself to us- in a rainbow as we moved, giving us peace when Rob enrolled in college full time, being with Matthew when he was airlifted and we were told he probably wouldn't live 24 hours.
• a good church & pastors (for the time we've had it)
• being with family as often as we can
• helping us to raise this family of ours and for your continued help to get the job done and done well
• all the help you give to us and for going with us each day to our classrooms and helping us to love and provide for our students' needs
• allowing our family to come here for this holiday- even though it hurts to see them leave again
• giving my momma five more years with us than she could have had or I thought she might- may you bless her and all of us with many, many more years of good health and wonderful times and memories together
• promising to never leave us or forsake us
• seeing us through to the end of our race

God, I'm so much more thankful than I can ever say or express to you, but I know You see my heart and You can see all the things I think of but can't quite get out.

Thank you God.

Rebekah

Godmother

Today, I became a godmother. :) This is such an honor, and a scary experience for me too. I'm not a great Christian by any stretch of the imagination. Ask God; He'll tell you! He knows all my faults! My kids and hubby could give you a long list too. Or me, I can really tell you all about me.

But anyway, for some reason I don't really understand, Maria & Tim chose me to be Noah's godmother. I work with Maria; she's on leave right now to take care of little Noah. We both started at AJE in 2005. Noah is a miracle- a show of God's love and healing and proof that God uses doctors and medical advancements and knowledge to provide healing and health. Noah had open heart surgery three or four days after he was born for a major heart defect. He faced several more surgeries, and then the Dr.'s felt that the heart defect was too serious, so Noah went on a transplant list. Maria & Tim prepared for a long wait for a donor heart for their little man. But, God provided a heart when Noah was about two months old! Noah has been through many ups and downs and scary times & more than most of us ever experience in a whole lifetime!

Today, Noah's baptism was completed at his family's church, and I was part of that as his godmother. It was so moving to me to stand there with his parents and uncle and take that promise to help guide Noah in his faith and to help teach him to love God. I took that promise very seriously and hope that I will be a positive influence and a part of his life! I bought him a beginner's Bible with Bible stories and a Bible cover and a Noah's Ark board book. I'm really excited about being Noah's godmommy!!! I even have his Christmas gifts purchased and have already been thinking about his birthday in February. :) This is going to be fun to have another baby to spoil and love on!

God, thank you for giving Noah a new heart and helping him to grow healthier and stronger with the days, weeks, and months that have passed since his birth. Thank you for showing Yourself in Noah's life and for being with Maria & Tim and their families through these hard times. Be with them as they continue to help Noah stay healthy and grow. Continue to be with Noah's new heart and help it to continue to grow stronger and stay healthy and rejection-free. You spared Noah for Your purpose; help him to find you and love you and serve you all his days! And thank you for bringing me here to be a part of this miracle and to be able to pray for and with Maria and for Noah, and for allowing me this special honor! Help me to be a good godmom to Noah.

Busy, Busy Day

It's now midnight on Saturday/Sunday night. We've been busy all day, and I could keep going, but I know I need to start settling down for a good night's rest. :)

Next week is Thanksgiving. My parents and sister are coming to visit. Now, let me say- without my kids here to argue this point with me- we are not just cleaning because company is coming. :) Boy, am I getting paid back for saying that to my mom all my growing up years!!! We always do our housework on Saturdays- even though they seem to forget this when it's convenient; and usually every other Saturday or so is a more in depth cleaning. But as always with me, I've been sort of in the "move & rearrange" mode again- which my family HATES!!! We did some rearranging trying to continue what we started when we made a "computer room" in the front living room. We didn't have enough furniture for both a living room and a family room- only one couch and one chair purchased last year from a fellow teacher for $60. But, Rob didn't really like the room even though it was the practical thing to do, and it didn't really look nice. So we did some more rearranging of furniture today, and it looks a lot better! Plus we had to do this to find a place for my mom's cedar chest she is bringing me; a wonderful treasure to me. Boy, the memories I have of watching my momma pull out hand me downs and special mementos from that thing!!! Today's list of work included:

• the usual housework of dusting, vacuuming, picking up our clutter from the week
• Rob doing a lot of deep cleaning- which doesn't get done like it should with our hectic schedules!!!
• last minute grocery run- Save-a-Lot & Walmart were zoos!!!
• picking up my soon-to-be godson's gift (I'll blog about that tomorrow, needless to say I'm about to become a godmommy & I'm so honored and nervous and excited!!!)
• get some Christmas gifts and materials to make our gifts (thank God for a credit card!)- we will be exchanging gifts with my parents and sister while they're here since we can't go home for the holiday & to save us all on postage next month since none of us really have the extra funds for that
• a quick run to the mall to pick up Robert's last paycheck and to get a haircut
• Barbara had swim team practice today too

So now, it's late, and I have our gift for Noah ready, and we had to wrap our Operation Christmas Child boxes too to take to church tomorrow. Oh, and I got a haircut today- a drastic one! I'm back to short, short hair!!! Boy, will everyone at school be surprised on Monday, and Maria tomorrow, because no one in NC has seen me without medium to longer hair. It was a surprise when I cut off my curls this summer and went to medium length hair!

So I think I'll finally go shower off all this itchy, itchy hair and try to settle down now. I'm so nervous about tomorrow's baptism service for Noah! I sure hope Maria & Tim knew what they were doing when they chose me to be Noah's godmother! I'm such a mess of a person sometimes, but I know that I have prayed for that little guy, and I am so thankful he is here. I'll do my best to be an awesome godmom.

I'm also excited about seeing my family. I've been terribly missing home again- seems like a fall thing for me. I'm also dreading their leaving, knowing I'll be even more homesick when they're gone again. It hurts a lot being way out here without them to go visit & be here for the kids' things. But, at least this year, we'll see them again for Robert's graduation in seven months.

Okay, really now, I'm going to crash. I'll have to blog more later this week as I'll have lots of things to say and emotions to get out, I'm sure!

God, I'm so grateful and appreciative for all You have done for us. And thanks for providing the need I asked you about in Your way and Your time! Even though it's not all taken care of, I know You're watching and will continue to move and provide all that is needed in every life.

Can You Help My Friend?

That is the name of a song I remember from the '80's or so; I always liked that song.

Tonight, it is the prayer of my heart. I have a friend who is under an unbelievable load and has little to no support, from home, from work, from anywhere. There are two of us at school who are trying to be her good friends and help her out as much as we can. I don't know if we are very successful, if we can really make up for all the other stuff, or really what to do.

I know the attempts I have made, have caused more stress in some ways as other people don't like those of who help out. I know what I am trying to do is probably going to cause more heartburn for her & I, but oh well.

So, God please help my friend. You're the only who can.

Miracles

I have often heard my mom talk about the miracles she saw happen in her family. My grandmother instantly healed of a goiter condition after being given just a few months to live. My grandfather whose eye was healed from an accident that would have blinded him had it not been for God. And then, my own Momma, who was miraculously healed from what was probably polio.

I've often wondered about miracles. I've never witnessed any, that I am aware of- not the "instant" kind anyway. But I've also learned that God does what He knows is best and we can't always see His hand at work. Well, I know of two miracles, and I thought I should record them for myself to look back on and for anyone else who wants to read.

Noah- yesterday this little boy celebrated his 9 month birthday. His being alive is a miracle! God used medical technologies, doctors, nurses, and I'm sure his mom & dad could list a lot of other people who have worked and are working with Noah, but in the center of it all- God was with little Noah. I know from my own experiences with Matthew which weren't nearly as long and hard as what the Brooks have faced, that God was with my baby (physically) during his near death time after he was born. Well, I know that God was with Noah too. And yesterday, Noah turned nine months old!!!

Then today, my momma sent an email updating us on our Uncle Ralph's condition. Let me just "copy" my mom's email and put it here.

As you know, Ralph was diagnosed a few months ago with stage 4 lung cancer. We were all surprised as he had never smoked. Doctor said his lungs were full of tumors and the lining of the lung was pulling away from his rib cage. They put in a tube to drain the fluid and told him his lungs were about 3/4 full of fluid. Prognosis was he had six months to a year to live. Once during his chemo treatment he was hospitalized with blood clots. They had to stop giving him one of the chemo drugs because he had a terrible reaction to it.

Last week he finished treatment and had another scan. Yesterday the doctor told them HE IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION!!! There is no sign of cancer in his lungs today!!!! Minnie said the doctor showed them the first scan and then the last. The first scan was dark with tumors and the last scan is COMPLETELY CLEAR! Doctor said he was changing his prognosis from six months to a year to several more years!!!

God, thank you for working miracles in these lives and in the lives of their families. Thank you for healing and extending lives! Thank you for giving doctors, nurses, and others all the incredible knowledge we have. Thank you for the family that gave Noah life through donation of a heart, even though it cost them great pain. Thank you for the people who have been willing to be "guinea pigs" so that others could live as a result of gained knowledge.

Thanks God for life and for your miracles!

Tying a Knot in the Rope....

Lord,
It's me again. It's 10:50 P.M., and I'm no where near ready to put away the school work and head for bed, though I need to. I've had a sinus headache and ear problems for several days now, and the dizzy spells are starting back up as well as earaches and ringing in my ears.

I know You already know, so I'm just spilling my guts to You, Lord. I know within my heart and with everything that is in me, that I was meant to be a teacher. I know it because it comes so naturally to me, and You have blessed me with a special love and ability to talk to, work with, and teach little ones. You have gifted me to be able to work with families, and helped me be able to help them feel comfortable and encouraged- most of them. You have often given me favor with students, families, coworkers, and administrators.

But God, right now, I just don't care anymore, and don't want to step foot in my school ever again! I'm so sick of things and disgusted with myself and everything! I just want to stay home and not go back to school. The last three weeks, I've put my lesson planning off until later and later, and once again it's way too late to be sitting here printing off and finishing things. I just want to be a teacher and plan my lessons and do my thing. I don't want to be a grade level chair, and have to put together agendas for meetings, keep notes and turn them in. I don't want to have to try to "lead" and help our team work together when we can't all even get along and quit talking about each other and being ugly to others when they're not looking. I don't want to fill out surveys and contemplate my "math instruction" because the principal sent us a form because someone else is telling her to. I don't want to be told that I have to put up four or five "displays" and all this busy work because we are being visited/inspected/evaluated by a visiting school, especially when having all those displays up on my wall doesn't make me a good teacher, it just means I have stuff on my walls...

I'm tired of all this other stuff that comes with teaching, Father! I'm sick to death of people thinking that we can do all this stuff and still not have to take all this crap home with us and not work on it all night/weekend. I'm not working on school work like I used to- AT ALL, but then look where it gets me. My room is a wreck, and won't be up to snuff this week for all these visitors! My instruction this year is some of the best I've done, but I feel like everything else is sliding. Why can't we just be teachers and do that?

God, I'm done for tonight. I still have a newsletter to type and print; I need to print off my lesson plans and plans for Erin and Kristen and the things we all three will need this week. I have to make a list of the things I need to run for Erin for her classroom since she doesn't have a teacher. And that's another thing God. "Someone" is upset because I'm helping Erin and sending her my lessons so she can at least teach something. You can't even help people without upsetting others who should be helping also.

But, Father, I'm going to bed now. I've tried to take care of me more this year than ever before. I've tried to spend more time with my family and not work so much on the weekends as I have. I've tried to relax a bit more, but I feel so disorganized and slobbish. And I am torn between trying to knock myself out the next two days, but yet, I can't since I have to leave to pick Barbara and Robert up...

Lord, I know I've been talking to You a lot about school this past month. I'm really trying, Lord, really I am! I hope You can see how much I want to do right and how hard I am trying to please You. Why am I feeling like such a miserable failure? Why am I so disgusted with things? Why do I have to care so much? And, I'm confused Lord too. Cyndi strongly encouraged me to leave the county and go work for a private academy or daycare where she thinks I could make just as good $-wise, but I kind of doubt.... I don't want to quit teaching, Lord. But I want to stay in Your will most of all. If you have a change in plan for me, You'll have to slap me upside the head because I'm kind of dense most of the time Lord.

God, I do love You, and so want to please You. If you could look down and see where I am and somehow send me a sign that I'm doing right by You or show me what I am doing wrong if I am- well, Father, I'd really, really appreciate it! For now, I'm tying a knot on the end of the rope, and just hanging on.

Two Steps Forward...

You know how that saying goes- "Two steps forward, one step back." That' s how life is for a lot of us, and that saying certainly seems to describe our life.

It's true for our finances, for my current efforts at weight loss, for my health, and I'm sure for my view of myself, my relationship with God, and a lot of other stuff. I just keep telling myself that at least in the end it's still a step forward. And, for a lot of these things, it used the be a lot worse, and probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back, so at least now I'm going in the right direction. :)

I'm back to exercising some- working on getting back to my regular routine as I was in early September and back to being consistent and my distance/time back too. Tonight, Rob & Robert walked with me three loops around our block which is 1.8 miles. And since there are a couple hills in that route, Rob thinks it's "counts" for more than my old 2 mile walk at the Y. ??? Don't know, but at least I walked longer tonight. Got to get back to doing that and/or the Y again!

Now, if my attitude, checkbook, and feelings would get it together that would be great. But for now, I'm stepping forward and trying not to back step if I can help it.

So until I lose some more weight/inches, I'm your "Big Mama" Thomas :) (I know God has a sense of humor because He made me with one weird one!) :) :) :)

Morning Nothings- Just sitting here thinking

It's Sunday morning. Rob has just left for worship band practice; I hadn't blogged that I don't guess, but Rob has been on the worship team for a little while now. I'm sitting here using Rob's computer watching Matthew sleep on the couch. I didn' t know he had joined us during the night until I woke up early this morning and saw him. I like watching the kids sleep still. It's the only time I can still see "my babies" in them really. Of course, that's funny to say knowing that Matthew is now over 6' 2"! :)

We had dinner with one of the Smith H.S. teachers and her family last night. Mrs. Valleau (Cyndi to Rob & I) was Barbara's freshman English teacher. She is a Christian also, and at least for a while, Barbara really confided in her and she has been a big blessing to Barbara and to us! She was there for Barbara on a few occasions when she really needed someone to love her, listen to her, council her..... Barbara seems to have moved on a little, and I don't think she goes to Cyndi as much (I worry about that but that's another story for another time, perhaps), but she still thinks a lot of her. Anyway, we've had dinner with the Valleau's a couple times, and they're like us. They moved here from out of state, & don't really have any family here. Cyndi has expressed her struggles with homesickness too, and I know she has difficulties at school too from time to time, like me. Cyndi & Justin have a little boy, Ben, who will be 2 next month. He's so adorable!!!!!! We had a good time. Rob and Justin really have similar personalities and their sense of humor seems to run on the same course. Kind of scary, actually! :) They were sitting last night, quoting lines from Cosby, Monty Pythons, and who knows what else, both busting their guts laughing! Robert teased me because I played with Ben while the rest of them were talking "adult" talk about books and stuff. I told him that Ben was more on my level. :)

This was so nice, and I hope we can try to get together with them more often. See we have lots of "friends" if you call people who like you at work or church and people you talk to everyday who you can joke with and talk with. But, we don't really have any "friends" that we can do much with. And this was really so relaxing and fun!!!!!!!! Our lives are wonderful, and I cannot and am not complaining. We have such full & busy lives with the kids and with our work and we are always on the go taking someone somewhere or picking someone up.... But, we don't really have friends to socialize with or just "hang out" or go do something with. Rob and I really just have each other, and that's wonderful and okay too. But it would be so nice to have another couple to be friends with/to. Especially now that our own kids are almost grown up. We should start to try to have a life outside of them, at least I think I\we should. :)

Well, I'm now going to be late for church if I don't fly. Barbara & Matthew aren't even up yet. Of course, Robert has already left for his church. I know it's wrong, but many times on Sunday morning, I just wish I could stay in this chair or in my bed (when I could sleep in it) and relax, read, snooze, just stay in my jammies and be lazy. It's not that I don't love God, I am just really tired!

Well, Happy Sunday, world. And God, I'm coming; I'll be in Your house to worship You. Just got to get going here don't I? :)

A Need

God, there is a need right now that needs to be met. Will you please provide all that is needed in the situation and work in Your mighty way?

My Bed

Last night I slept in my bed. This may be no earth-shattering concept or announcement to everyone else, but having been unable to do that due to a back injury, and sleeping in a recliner since the end of September, it felt so good to climb into my bed without any pain and go to sleep. Aaaahhh.

Of course, I woke up early this morning, and I was hurting, but oh well.... It was nice for a while anyway!

Halloween

The kids were supposed to go with the youth group on Halloween to "trick or treat" for canned goods for the homeless shelter. While Rob was taking them there, I was feeling a bit melancholy watching all the kids go by in their costumes and remembering all the years we went with our kids and all the fun we had. I'm enjoying the kids more than I ever did, and my momma was right about the kids being a lot of fun as teens, but I was just missing my "little ones" a bit.

Then Rob came back home with the kids who had apparently missed the announcement to be there early (classic kid moment!). They came home with oreos & milk for a Thomas family tradition. It made me feel a lot better! They may be teens, but we still are a close family, and they still love their parents. :) :) :)

The Thomas tradition- for YEARS now, we have come home from trick-or-treating, had oreo cookies and made "grinch milk" or "pumpkin milk" with food coloring, and watched a Dr. Seuss video- "Grinch Night." I found this video when the kids were little, and it was a "scary" movie when they were little. :) Robert has specifically asked the last two years if we're still going to do our Halloween tradition. We were talking about it on Halloween night, and he was saying how important this was to him..... It made me feel so good. Rob whispered to me that maybe the kids would carry on this one with their families. This got me to thinking, and I made an announcement to all three kids. When they have their own families, we will have to have a set time that everyone ends their trick-or-treating and comes to Grandpa & Grandma's house for oreos & milk & Grinch Night. Now that would be really, really neat! I hope they will be close enough to do that!

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

Today was another day of me somehow torquing off some of my coworkers. I sent an email asking them when we could get together to discuss some things. Our day we had set aside has been not working out with other meetings and this Wednesday is a staff workday. I know everyone is going to be trying to get report cards done.... I honestly didn't mean anything but once again, I apparently was rude and ugly.

So, over the weekend I got a series of emails and then today another one from someone else. I just seem to hurt people's feelings, make them feel unwelcome, and I don't know what all. There were some ugly things said in the email today, and I'm so confused.

I am really upset because over the weekend & again this morning on my way to work I prayed and asked God to help me to keep a right attitude, protect my heart from being too sensitive, guard my mouth from being offensive or saying things I shouldn't. I have tried to just be quiet this year and mind my own business & stay out of the rumor mill after someone gossipped last year and a former coworker was hurt at me. This gets me in trouble. Then when I speak up, that backfires too.

I've emailed my boss and told her that I want out of the grade level position, but I doubt she will let me. I'm ready to tell her that I quit. And, though, I adore Kindergarten & my kids I've taught at AJE, I am thinking it's time I go to another school or another grade. I don't know. All I do know is that I have never had this much trouble getting along with anyone before. And, though there have been people I have worked with who didn't much like me/nor me like them, I've never had this much trouble working alongside someone in spite of it. Most people think I'm nice and friendly and considerate, but apparently I am rude and unkind and unfriendly to most of my grade level. And I don't even know it.

God, what am I doing wrong and why? How do I fix it? Because to be honest, now, my feelings are so raw, I am so paranoid about doing anything or saying anything to anyone, and I really am starting to not like people that I had once liked. I don't want that to happen. I want to like everyone in my building. Please change my heart, my mind, my attitude, my actions, words, and deeds to be pleasing to You and to mend this situation. If I need to just "eat crow" which I've tried to do by apologizing two million times, I'll do it again. I don't mind; I really don't have any pride to swallow, so it's not a problem. What do I do God?!?!?

Please rescue me from this mess, Lord. I know I don't deserve it, but You died for me and I am Your child. Please Father, will you help me to get through this situation? And if I've done wrong, please reveal it to me and forgive me. I keep asking You, but I just get more and more confused.
I want to run away Father. I want to hide and never go back. If it weren't for Kristen counting on me for student teaching, I'd just start looking for another job right now.

His Last Race

Robert is a cross country runner. He didn't always run. In fact when he was a little boy, he was kind of an awkward runner. Then in kindergarten, he started having a lot of leg pain; for a while I thought it was "growing pains" like I used to get because he was growing by leaps and bounds that year. At least I thought that until one morning when he woke up and couldn't even walk. I'll never forget that day; Robert was trying to get up and get dressed for school but he couldn't walk and it hurt so bad he was crying and sobbing. Rob and I had to carry him out of bed and out to the car to go to the dr. who referred him to a specialist in another town. They did all kinds of x-rays on him and told us he might have a degenerative hip disease; at the very least it was bursitis which is kind of unusual in an other-wise healthy 5 year old little boy. We all prayed, and he rested as much as little boy would. God healed him and though, he never was a really good runner, he was fine. Then in 6th grade he started voicing a slight interest in trying out for track or cross country. But Robert being who he is & was especially then, a bit shy and insecure sometimes, he wouldn't go out for it then. He ended up going out for cross country when he was in 8th grade. He's improved so much since then, and what's really ironic to Rob & I is that he has become a long distance runner & cyclist. He will now "gear up" and go on long, long runs and rides. He now subscribes (& pays for himself) "Runners" magazine, reads articles and books about running/cycling, watches videos, etc.... He is a health nut (sort of) and is into vitamins, what he eats, drinks, and all that. He is such a neat and interesting young man!

Today was the last race of the 2007-2008 high school cross country season. Though he won't be going to state championships, I couldn't be prouder of him!!! It hadn't occurred to me before, but it really hit me when we drove onto the field at the park today to find a parking place and I realized that this was it- his last race (at least like this). He has chosen his college, a local community college where he'll study & train to be an electrician. He won't be able to participate on a college level cross country team since they don't have anything like that. So this is the end of this part of his life. I've often been running and working my behind off to get to his meets and juggling my own work schedule and demands and the other two kids' schedules and Rob's to make things happen and work. I've often had to miss his events & traded off with Rob so that Rob could go and I picked up the other two. But, I've always tried to be there for as many of the things he did as I could. I have always been proud of him. And I always will. I love you Robert!

Meet Samson

Okay, I can't do anything without feeling guilty or worrying that someone in my family won't approve or will think it was silly or irresponsible or unnecessary....... Boy, am I messed up!!!! :)

But, for a variety of reasons, we have been thinking about getting a puppy, but we don't have $ to purchase a "breed-ed" one, so yesterday the kids and I ended up at the animal shelter here in our county and we came home with a one year old dog named Samson. It was cheaper to do that then purchase a puppy and this way, the dog is updated on his shots, spayed/neutered (I can never remember which is for a boy/girl), and all that jazz. Plus, we "rescued" an animal that would have been put down likely. I felt better about this way of getting a dog. He is very cute and playful. Dexter is learning to get along and share, and Samson is having to learn a few things about Dexter too.

So now we have two fish, two birds, & two dogs plus my school animals (two more goldfish & two hermit crabs). We would love to have cats, but they can't be inside pets and one of our neighbors would call the city on us if we had an outside cat. Somehow we have ended up a family of animal lovers!!! Stems from the kids mostly! Kids sure do influence us don't they?! :) Well, I love mine so that's all that matters!

Blue Ridge Beauty

We went away last weekend to get a break from the city and our work and all that stuff. Although I had hoped to see more color, it was still beautiful. I love the mountains!!! One of the kids broke my camera so I could take pictures but not tell if I was even aiming right or actually getting anything. Took several shots of this view and hoped it would take. Came home and put it together to make this panorama. I'm pleasantly surprised and thankful to God, as simple as this may be, that with a hurt back and a broken camera, I got this beautiful picture to remember our trip and that God made all the world and everything in it. I'm so thankful to have had a few opportunities to see the mountains and the ocean when I thought as a Midwest-bound person I never would.

Good night God and your beautiful world!
Rebekah :)

A Bundle of Emotions- Translation "A Basket Case"

Dear God,

Its' me again. The big mouth, big butt Rebekah. :) I know you have a sense of humor because you made me a nut- a "mess" as many of my coworkers, friends, and even my own Momma called me tonight :). I hope sometimes I make you laugh. I wish I could laugh tonight, but I can't. I sure could use Your help for myself and for some friends.

You know that someone at school caused a "ruckus" about student teaching arrangements and that Kristen was going to have to leave AJE to be able to student teach somewhere else. I thank You for intervening on Kristen's behalf to work out the problem there and for allowing her to stay with me and our kinderkids at AJE. I thank You for a prof that was willing to go to bat for Kristen and my other friend. Please intervene again on the other situation and help it to be worked out for the good of those who need it.

God, I am a bundle of about a million different emotions right now, and I am so tired it's just not funny!!!! I'm so grateful to You for working things out for Kristen! I would have hated for her to have to go through that process- switching schools midyear, getting acquainted with new kids/teachers/parents/school, having to say goodbye to her AJE kids & families. I would have hated it for our kids and families who have gotten used to Mrs. Lanier and who look up to her and love her. I would have hated it for me!

I'm angrier than I think I've been in a long, long time too, and You know all about that. I feel so hurt and betrayed and yet I have to go on and work with people and somehow rise above all this mess. How am I supposed to do that?

I am so disgusted with myself for getting mad at certain situations last week and replying via email. I feel like I didn't handle that situation the way I should have. I should have had a spine and confronted the issue or just let it all go and let people think what they will about me. They're going to anyway. I am so afraid I made things worse, though I honestly didn't mean to. I was hurt, caught off guard, surprised, mad, frustrated, and upset. I never can express myself the way I mean to or want to. My momma should have named me "Foot-in-mouth"!

All I want to do in life is be pleasing to You, God, to be a wonderful wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, and teacher. To be there for my family and help carry the burdens of my family, my students, and my friends. To be supportive of those around me and to be a good listener. To get along with everyone. These are honestly the things I try to do each day; I know I have a long way to go, but I do try. So why does it seem I keep messing things up? How is it most people think highly of me, but I've made such a mess with others?

God, I am really, truly sorry for not keeping my cool, for not thinking before I spoke via email, for saying/doing anything that didn't shine Your light in my world. Please help me to forgive and go on. Please help me to be more like You and less like me. And God, thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing Kristen to stay at AJE. Please fix the other situation that needs Your help. Please help me to let go of my "feelings" and see the bigger picture here. Help me to grow up some more in You.

Work Frustrations!

To my mother-in-law, momma, sister, friends, or anyone else who may read this, just a warning. This is just me venting to myself tonight. I am probably going to sound immature, childish, stupid, or any other # of descriptive words that are not very complimentary. I am sorry. I'm just really, really frustrated right now. We're taking a Saturday trip to the mountains to just "get away" from our work frustrations right now. I sure hope the peace & beauty of God's creation & His mountains will help soothe my hurt feelings and raw emotions.

Earlier this week, a coworker came into my room and over to me and asked me, "What's wrong with you? What's your problem?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Then yesterday a different coworker came into my room and closed the door behind her to tell me that "everyone" in K wanted to know "what was wrong with me...." Then came a list of ways I have been rude, unkind, unfriendly, cold, distant, etc. with certain members of our grade level. I heard a list of my wrongs, some of which were flat untrue such as that I had changed my "p.e." time to avoid being with another teacher, that I ate at the end of the table because I don't want to eat with them, that I am cold and unfriendly with them, that I joke and cut up and am friends with so & so and so & so, but then don't act the same with others.... Supposedly, the grade level feels I am depressed or down and "quite concerned" about me. There are some that feel I don't like them....

So, of course, me being who I am, I cried all the way home, questioned myself all night and all day today, am extremely embarrassed and self-conscious that I am the focus of attention and conversation for some, and angry that people have to discuss me like that instead of just coming to me and asking me directly. If "they" are so concerned, why didn't anyone act like a friend and just come talk to me. If someone is so upset that I don't like her, then why didn't she ever just come ask me what the problem was, especially when everyone says how I'm "such a nice, pretty, funny, friendly, sweet person..." Make me puke! But seriously if I am such a nice person, normally, then wouldn't it seem odd that I would just dislike someone or multiple persons for no reason. Wouldn't it be possible that in fact, I do like whomever and that there is something else at play. Then to know that others just jumped on the gossip mill and added to it. Not to mention that I have heard almost all of these people badmouth all the others at one time or another. And I don't just mean badmouth, I mean BAD mouth. And last spring, somebody told a big lie about me to my former assistant, which she believed, and then she was really upset, hurt, and mad at me.

So what did I do? Classic Rebekah move- send everyone an apology for being so ugly and rude and making people feel so uncomfortable around me. Then today, at lunch, someone got up and insisted that I sit in their chair with the rest of this "group" (not all our grade level feels this way, by the way, just this group). What could I do but sit there? I sure didn't want to and it's not because I don't like them (although I am upset right now). It's just that I don't like mind games and being manipulated. I sit in the same stupid spot I have always sat in for reasons I explained which I shouldn't have had to- I like to see my kids, I am claustrophobic and like to be on the end, and I am a FAT A*** and don't like to crowd people so I sit on the end so I can give people more room plus where I sit I can see my "old" kids as they come in to lunch. This is so JUNIOR HIGH it's not funny! I hated junior high and I sure don't want to act like a dumb kid when I'm in my upper 30's for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to inform these coworkers of this, but my world doesn't actually revolve around them. I actually don't sit and think about ways to snub them, and ways to "show them up" (as at least one of them thinks I do) and ways to be a snot to them. I actually don't think of them much at all. See, I have a life- I am a mom, wife, daughter, and teacher. I have enough to think about with all of that without adding diabolical plans to be mean to everyone I work with to my day. I'm not that mean! I have a husband I adore that I worry about and his concerns to think about. I have three great teenagers who have a lot on their schedules (which transfers to mine) and a lot to learn and who need parents who are there for them for their problems and trials and life lessons and future plans. I have two parents and a sister far away from me that I try to stay in touch with and who I worry about and who I can't be there for since I am far away from them. I have a classroom full of little ones depending on me to teach them, love them, and be a role model for plus parents and families who need me to be there for their kids plus a couple friends who are about to be student teachers and who are relying on me to help them whenever I can. I have new responsibilities I have never had before at work that I take seriously like being on the leadership team, being a mentor and being a "buddy teacher" for someone who is new to the U.S. and certainly the "N.C." way.

I am so frustrated right now that if it weren't for the $ my family needs, my two student-friends who are counting on me, and the former kids of mine that I really want to stay there for, I would just give my 30 days notice and go find another job. I'm seriously questioning my future at AJE.

Home

I want to go home- I want to be a little girl and put my head in my momma's lap and just cry. I wish I could just go home for the weekend and be my momma's little girl.

Summer Weather- Wrong Season!

Well the weather outside is summer, even though the calendar says it's definitely fall. Wish the summer weather would realize it's outlasted its welcome and move on. Guess it's just having too much fun here with us. I've never had to run the air conditioner in October before, but I guess there's a first for everything. At the rate we're going, we'll still be running the air when my family comes out for Thanksgiving!

Yesterday, in the spirit of fall, if not the actual weather, Rob decided to start doing some of the fall planting. I had purchased mums, tulip & daffodil bulbs, and some root starts of ferns and hostas for our yard. I "helped" as much as I could with a hurt back. He did the digging, and I did the planting part. I made sure I bent over correctly and very slowly, and I didn't do any lifting or digging or hard work. The heaviest thing I held was a small bag of bulbs and the garden hose. I also went to Walmart and walked along as Matthew put everything in the cart and pushed the cart for me. Oh, and I helped Rob clean up our bedroom yesterday too, which consisted of me just taking the jewelry boxes and basket off my dresser, dusting, and putting everything back, picking up dirty laundry, and putting away my clean clothes. Then last night, I sat and folded laundry that the boys carried to me. Again, no lifting at all!

All that was not much work, but I was feeling what I had done by bedtime, and I woke up in the night in a lot of pain again! UGH! I finally got up and took some of the "drugs" the Dr. prescribed me hoping it would help by church time, but now I am dizzier than dizzy, and still hurting some. So Rob has strongly suggested that I stay home. I wouldn't be able to sit through a whole service without getting up and moving, and if I do that I'll be falling down from dizziness. So once again, I miss church. I give up on ever being a "good Christian'' in my own eyes. I know I'm not, and that's a fact, even if others try to argue that point with me!

Well, I guess I'll lay/lie (I can never get that one right) back in this chair and doze some more before I try to do some school work and fold more laundry this afternoon. Hope I'm not hurting tomorrow because I can't miss any more work.

Hope the fall weather comes soon! I'm ready for it to be fall!!!!! And I'm ready for my back to be normal again, ready to sleep in my own bed again instead of this recliner, ready to get back to exercising and losing weight, just plain ol' ready!

Until then, I'm lazily, sorely, and warmly your Rebekah :)

Nice Day- Tired & Sick- but Nice Day Anyway

Today, my new class of kinders joined all of Kindergarten and went on our first field trip. It was fun! The kids, though typically squirmy and still immature as new kinders, were great, and made me proud! They have grown so much in just a few weeks already; as Kristen and I rode at the front of the bus on the way back "home to school" we looked at our kinderkids and discussed how much some had already grown and changed and improved. My thanks go to God for helping us through the rough first few days/weeks with these "babes" He's entrusted to us.

Rob has been sick these past few days with a sinus infection/cold/something. I've been trying to not burden him with my back problems. Rob has been so good to me, better than ever in our marriage! He will never know how much it meant to me that he willingly, and on his own desire, left work to take me to the Dr. last week. That's a first for him, ever in our marriage! I have tried to sleep in our bed, but it is causing extreme pain, so I am back to the recliner, for who knows how long- at least until for the time being. Rob has been sleeping on the floor in the family room on his sleeping bag just to "be near me" and to keep me company while I sleep. He is such a good husband to me! Things weren't always this way with us, but I am so glad that God kept us hanging on to each other in the bad times so we could get to these good times.

I came home from school with a terrible headache, and by the time I got back from taking kids to youth group, I have a fever, the chills, and severe sinus pain/pressure. Guess I got Rob's germs from across the room! Oh well, guess that's the price I'll have to pay for having such a great hubby! :) So now I sit here, feeling lousier than lousy, but I am so thankful for my husband and family.

And, it was a nice day, thanks to God, a great teaching assistant/student teacher/co-teacher/friend, a great group of kinderkids, & a wonderful family.

Thankfully His,
Rebekah :)

Please Watch This

The youth group at our church performed this video a couple weeks ago; the song is "Everything" by Lifehouse. Rob & I were very moved. Robert found it on the internet by other groups (below are two versions), and we have watched it again and cried again here at home. It was really hard for me as a former parent attempted suicide last year & I heard last month that she had killed herself. I couldn't help but think of all the kids and families I have worked with over the years. I wish I could share more of His love with them.... I wish they understood.....

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nig4Rbeoqwk&mode=related&search=

Back to Work I Go

Well, after five days of pain & four days of rest, laying around, and medicines, I'm back to school tomorrow. If I keep inactive and take it easy, I almost feel back to normal. I can't sit forward for very long, stand up, sit up straight, walk or move around much without feeling pain and the longer I go, the worse it gets. BUT, if I take it VERY easy, I feel pretty good. I haven't even taken pain medicine today and only at bedtime last night.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when I go back to work and have to do my job; teaching isn't exactly a sit down on your duff all day kind of job. But we'll see how it goes. I'm trusting God to help me not overdo, and to know if I need to call the Dr. back. I'm also trusting Him that He can just take care of this all in the first place and I won't have to do anything else, but use the brains He gave me. :)

So, now I'm working hard at Rob's school laptop (Thanks Rob!) in my recliner preparing my lesson plans, newsletter, teaching materials, and a bunch of other stuff I do every week, but don't think about until I am home a bit and, wow!, I realized tonight I do a lot of work for my job! :)

Goodnight!
Rebekah the "gimpy" one! :)

My Flowers

I've been a total & complete bum today. I've been in bed or in the recliner all day, and I can't stand it anymore! Barbara stayed home with me today to help me get up, bathroom, fix me food/drink, wait on me.... Mostly she watched movies and watched me sleep while playing on her computer with her new Myspace page.

I had to get up and at least move around a bit. All these medicines are making me dopier than I normally am.

Everyone laugh here.

So, since summer is "officially" over and hopefully the weather here will eventually realize it is time to cool down, I am posting one of my favorite pix. These are all flowers from our garden, and I played around to make this collage of some of my favorites.

So, it's almost time to go back to dopey, sleepy, drowsy-land. Here, I go-o-o-o-o-o

Pop's Okay

Momma just called and Pop made it through the surgery okay. He gets an overnight stay in the hospital due to the late hour of the surgery, his age, being a diabetic, but the Dr. says he's fine and will go home in the morning.

Now I'm taking my medicine and going to bed! Nighty-night!

AAAAGGGGHHH - Back Pain

I woke up at 10:30 last night and was in extreme pain and couldn't move. Rob had to help me get up & to the bathroom. I was up most of the night trying to lay still and not make it hurt any worse or trying to find a position to sleep in that was not painful. Finally at 3:30 I ended up in the recliner trying to get some sleep. This morning, Rob had to help me do everything from showering, getting dressed, putting on my shoes/socks, and getting into a vehicle to get to work. I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I've put in a half day at school, and am here waiting for Rob to come home and take me to the Dr. I HURT!!!!!!!!!!! I hope nothing serious is wrong with me. I can't figure out what I could have done to do this. All I know is when I stood up from sitting on my cedar chest talking to my mom last night, I felt a bit sore way down low, but it wasn't bad- just like I pulled something or slept on a cold muscle.

Oh, my aching back! I don't feel like sitting here by the front door in this uncomfortable chair working on my computer, but if I go lay down or sit in anything any lower, I'll never get up. I'm not sure I'm going to get out of this chair as it is. So, back to doing interim reports while I wait for Rob.

Did I say, I HURT!!!!!!!!! yet? :)
Achingly yours,
Rebekah :)

It's a Calgon Kind of Week!

I'm running on so little sleep right now, and my engine is just about out of steam for the day. It's only 5:30 P.M., and I have interim reports to complete and a lot of other stuff to do for tomorrow too.

Today was my first "sick day" for this school year. Rob & I were up with a teenager issue (which is all I'll say here so my child won't be embarrassed or mad at me for exposing him/her to the world-smiles) until oh, about 2AM-ish last night/this morning. I got up for school @ 5:15 and called off work. Rob did the same and we kept said teenager home too.

In order to call off work, I had to go online and "call-in," then prepare the sub plans and folder and take them to school, lay everything out a sub needed, then go home, pick up a child and take them to school before I could come home and take a nap. It was after 9 before I climbed back into bed. Rob had to do the same only getting home a little sooner than me, lucky dog! :) And of course, being an insomniac, I didn't get much more sleep anyway!

When we got up we spent the day talking with said teenager, visiting our pastor and having some time with him, getting lunch out (compliments of the teenager), then repeating my "school run" again to pick up some stuff I needed to do work for school that is due tomorrow and then to pick up another child from school. Now Rob has gone to get the last child from school and we will be able to eat supper and get on with our evening.

My momma called me today also to let me know something she couldn't tell me last night with the other "upsets" of the evening going on- that my dad has something wrong with him. He has spent his day & Momma too at the dr.'s office and then the surgeon's and is now at the hospital getting tests and awaiting emergency surgery. My sister is in Michigan taking classes for her job (she's a pastor at a church in Rock Island), and is eight hours away from home right now. She may have to leave her classes early to get back home. Then there's me- I'm stuck here in NC and can't get home!

My boys have been butting heads again lately too, and Sunday evening was spent helping them work out their differences. I think they both just want to be in charge of themselves, and maybe the rest of us too. Boy, this "alpha male" thing is not fun as the mom of two teenage boys less than three years apart. They both know more than the other, and one is so insecure right now that the other one can't even breathe without it meaning "he thinks he's better than me...." And the other one can't see past himself to sympathize or "be kind" to younger/more insecure brothers.... Ugh!!!!!!!!!! Can I scream now? :)

Work has been a bit stressful too this past week, and I won't say much here & now, but I'm getting tired of the whole mess! I want to stick my head in the sand, or better yet, right now if I could just go away for a week or two to the mountains or the ocean and sit on a deck and read, snooze, take walks, read, snooze, snooze some more.... that would be so nice!!!!!!!!!

When we were "back home" I worked with a lady named Marty; she and I had a running joke about these kinds of days or weeks- they were "Calgon days." You remember the old Calgon commercials where the lady would say "Calgon, take me away!" and she would climb in the tub full of bubbles and all her troubles would just go away? Well, she and I even started passing a little trial size bottle of Calgon back & forth when we were having these days or saw the other one was. It always made us laugh.

Yup, this has definitely been a "Calgon"-kind of week! Is it Friday yet?

And, if anyone reads this, please pray for my parents- Pop's name is Paul Lane, and he's my adopted dad. Dad # 1 died when I was a kid (most people who know me don't know this), but I'd really like to keep Dad # 2 around a bit longer if I can.

Now, where's the Calgon? :) :) :)

Friday Night At Last

Thank God it's Friday! It's been quite a week, and I am so ready for a break, if not from school work, at least from the building itself. Although, now that I say that, I am likely going to have to spend a little time in my classroom this weekend preparing things for next week's learning centers.... Oh well, if the saying is true that there is "no rest for the wicked," then at least I understand why I'm running so much lately.

Every day this week, someone was calling me, requesting my "presence," or asking me questions or to do something. I felt like I was going six million directions, and not getting far in any one direction.

So now, it's 9 PM on Friday night. I've had supper with Rob & Matthew while Barbara Rose was at work and Robert was at a friend's house before youth group. After Matthew left for church, we went to the Y. Now I am going to go do more school work for the rest of the evening in the family room where my best friend- Rob- is working too. Oh, the boring life we lead. :)

Thank God for Fridays!!!!!!!!!

Girls Night Out, or "Chilling with my Peeps" as Barbara calls it :)

Today our school was part of a "Celebration of Excellence." The top 15 most improved schools were in the whole county were invited to attend, and although AJE didn't make the AYP goals, and we still have a long way to go, we did make some big improvements. I went to the ceremony, along with my assistant & friend, Kristen and two other ladies in my school who have become my friends- Erin & Cathy.

Now, I'll sidetrack a minute here to say, that these three ladies & I are sort of "out of the group" of the rest of our grade level, or at least we feel that way. There is sort of a little clique forming in our building, and we definitely aren't part of the clan. So we decided tonight to give ourselves a name and everything; we got a little silly with this! :)

So, back to my story. Today, I knew that we four were all going, so I came up with this brainstorm to all ride together and then stop and get a bite to eat on our way back to the school. So we did. We all piled in my car and rode to G'boro to the Coliseum. We had fun being silly and smart aleck. But then, when we left the real fun began! I don't think I've laughed that hard or long since I moved to NC!!!!!!!!!!! We laughed, one-lined, giggled, and almost peed our pants all the way to the restaurant and then all the way to school. It was hysterical! When we got to the eatery- the host asked us if we wanted to "keep this buzz going" because we were being so silly. Cathy & I were laughing about how silly and fun we were being without having one drink. Cathy asked us if we could imagine how we would act if we actually drank? :)

I have lots of fun with my family, and we're all a bunch of smart-alecks, but outside of my family, I have not had so much fun in I don't know when... We talked about school, "wordy-dirds," school, family, and I don't know what all. I don't think I've ever had a "girls night out" before, and I hope I can do it again with my friends. It was more fun than I can say! After two years away from my family & my few good, good friends that I saw not often enough, it is so nice to be able to say I have some friends in NC!!!!!!!!

So, tonight, I thank You, God for a fun evening with my friends and for having some friends that I can do something with besides just be friends at work. I am so happy to not be alone in my world. :) And, if my friends should read this, thanks for a wonderfully, silly, fun evening!!!! I love you three a lot, and think the world of you! "Cheep, cheep, cheep." :) Ha! Ha!

Bruised Shins & A Heavy Heart

My school year began on the very first day with restraining a child in my classroom who was trying desperately to get away from the class and back to his mommy. It was hard; I left for the day with bruised arms and a very sore back!!! It was gut-wrenching. The next day was another ordeal, but thankfully it was shorter- lived.

Over the past couple weeks, several of us have had to help out in another classroom with children with serious behavior issues. One child has threatened, and carried out on some of those threats, most of us who have worked with him/her.

Today, once again, I had to help restrain a student in our building. It was quite interesting what he had to say to me. I found out that I am a "big, stupid f-----er" several, several times. I also had several "offers", in truth, threats, to be f----ed up & f----ed over- hmmm, never heard it put that way. I was repeatedly threatened with those & other threats to bite me, kick me in the head (which was also done, but it didn't hurt because I'm too tall for a kick to really get me), and just "get me." When all is said & done, I have come home with bruises on my shins, a sore nose, a headache from being headbutted & screamed at, and tired, tired, tired. I was blessed from above that the bites didn't break my skin, that he didn't draw blood on either of us (that's a big blessing!!!!), that he didn't get away from me and out the door, and that although I'm a little sore and tired, I am not hurt and the whole event ended eventually.

It is NOT fun being in that position with a child. And I HATE doing that job. But most of all, it hurts my heart that a small child can be so violent, so angry, and so exposed to the bad in this world. God, how unfair this is!!!!!! Help me to pour Your love into the lives of all the people- little & big- I encounter each day.

Nice weather- finally

One of the things I miss about the Quad Cities (or living in the more northern parts of the Midwest) is that after Labor Day, it's not hot! Boy, it's been warm here, and I'm so ready for fall weather. Well after yesterday's rain, it has finally cooled down, and we turned off the air. We're sitting here with our windows open and the fans on, and I can here the crickets and katydids chirping. It's so nice! I'm going to go to bed and enjoy the cool, fresh, night air and the insects outside my window. Really makes me want to go camping. Hope we can scrounge up some $ for that soon.

Night God! Thanks for some nice weather finally.

It's Raining! It's Raining! It's Raining!

It's raining in Greensboro, NC!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know how long it's been since we've seen rain here? I can't even remember when the last time was it rained here. It's been ages! We're under a state wide burn ban and water restrictions. I've been praying for rain, and now it's come.

THANKS GOD!!! We need the rain, the plants, animals, forests, farmers...., but I needed the rain too. Guess I get that from my momma, but I love the rain and the storms, and I miss that about the Midwest! We even had tornado warnings and "real" weather here this afternoon. :) :)

Maybe I'll open my window tonight and listen to the rain. And, God, if you could end this drought and let us have more rain. The area really needs it, but my "soul" is dry too- not my spiritual side, but just the part of me that is me. It needs the rain too. Maybe I should have moved to the west coast since I like the rain so much. He! He!

God Talks to Dummies- I'm Proof!!!!

Okay, tonight I went with Rob to the Y; didn't really feel like it, have too much to do for school and a checkbook that's horribly past due on some upkeep (I don't have a clue how much $ we have left or if I even have enough for the rest of our month and a stack of receipts to enter and to balance....)... But we went anyway. I was feeling a bit homesick & low about some things with work and wishing I could understand better and at the same time knowing I need to quit worrying and caring so much about what people think and whether they like me .... (my usual issues).

I took my player and was listening to my Mercy Me songs. Mercy Me & Casting Crowns are without a doubt my favorite groups- it's like they see right into my heart & life and know just what to write & sing about. Let me say, it was an experience like I've never had before. First off, let me say that somehow the good Lord must have kept my feet moving and my legs from falling out from under me & I did 2 miles- which I know is no big deal for most people, but when you are a "lard-butt" like me it is a BIG deal!!!!!!!!! But, more importantly, I had to actually work to not cry as I walked 20 laps around the track. It was like God was talking to me while I walked and listened to my music. Let me see if I can explain.

For a long, long time I've felt like something was missing; everyday was the same- get up and go to work and come home and cook/eat & do schoolwork and go to bed only to repeat this every day. Sure, I know I was touching lives- I'm sure lots more than I realize- but while I was working at my last school (a nice Lutheran school), I just kept feeling like I was not doing what needed to be done- even though I'm sure that God gave me that job and it was in His plan for me to be there. I kept thinking about how Jesus said he had not come for the well but the sick. I prayed for so long that He would allow me to get back in the public school system so I could be more helpful to those who needed His love and that I would be doing something for Him more than I was. But the doors were always closed; believe me I tried for years and could not get in. Then, in 2005 we moved to North Carolina- here I am. I still sometimes struggle a little with why we had to leave our family behind, our friends, our fields of corn & winter snow, the Midwest where we'd lived all our lives, and everything we knew. My kids had a hard time with our move and that worried me too. But, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm where I belong. A long time ago there was Michael W. Smith song about finding "my place in this world" and that is what I was looking for. And now I have kids who aren't well off and don't come from well-to-do families, and guess what? I love it! I love my kinderkids from all over the world and from NC. I love my class of little people who love me back and take in all the love I give and give it back to me and learn all I can teach and teach me and bring lots of joy and sometimes a little/lot of frustration and worry to my life. And it's really been sinking in with me lately that although I am far away from my family and can't be there for them when they need me (& that does really hurt a lot!!!!), I am finally "Where I Belong." Tonight while I was walking (and my knee & feet were screaming) I heard this song again, but it was like it was the first time I'd ever heard it all over again. It's a Mercy Me song and it was like God said, "Hey dummy (I'm just kidding!), this is where you belong. You belong here, in the gap, for the little people I placed with you to love them for Me and to hug them and show them some light and joy and happiness and to teach them how to read, write, spell and do math and how to get along with others, but to also mention Me when you can and to show them My love... So, though I miss my family terribly sometimes, I am where God wants me to be, where I belong. I can't be anywhere else but where He wants, and if I go where He wants, then I am where I belong.

Here are the lyrics from that song: "Where I Belong"
Everybody hopes
That maybe somewhere down this road
We'd finally find that place where we belong
That place where we're complete
The one that occupies our dreams
That place we're lucky to call our home
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside
So I raise my hands
And shout Your name
To praise You with my song
My dream's at hand
I've found my place
The place where I belong
Everybody tries
To find the purpose for their life
In hopes that one more day is justified
But once you truly see
The very reason why you breathe
It becomes so much more than getting by
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside


Another song of theirs is Bring the Rain & it's what I wish my life's story could be like, what I wish people could say about me. It's what I am working on doing/being for you God. So, God, if I have to hurt for little ones that have horrible lives and for coworkers who are ugly because they don't know You and aren't happy, if I have to be away from my family and be homesick, then help me to be able to really, truly say this and live it. Let this be my witness for You.

Bring me joy. Bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain.

Something to Think About

Race, heritage, ethnicity, skin color- all words people use to describe the way people look or where they come from or what kind of people they are.

There was a staff meeting yesterday where the "divide" between white & black students came up. A staff member made a comment that really has me thinking about myself. Do I treat students differently based on the complexion of their skin? Do I give better education to my fair-skinned students and less to those of darker complexion? I really don't think so. I am really trying to wrap my brain around this.

As much as I put myself down, critique & criticize myself, I would think I would have caught this in myself if it were happening as well as any number of administrators I've had. But then again, it is a "white world," and maybe I'm just blind. So I'm trying to be very aware of the ways I treat my kids. The problem is I really don't look at my kids and think "black, white, Asian, Mexican, girl, boy...." I just see my kinderkids and see their individual personalities, strengths and weaknesses. I sure hope I'm not a closet bigot!!! That's the last thing in the world I'd ever want to be and if I'm guilty of treating African American (or any other group) of students worse, than I need to quit teaching before I do any damage!

A Prayer

God,
I know that the tiny, little, silly, petty concerns of my day are not important at all in the scheme of things- dying souls, starving people, wars, famines, droughts, cancer.... are all so much more important. But, if You could help to either change me or change the situation I am in or both, I'd really appreciate it! You know what it is I'm referring to and how I am feeling about myself, my work situation, myself.... Could you bring unity and a sense of "team" to my building? Could you help me to not be so sensitive and care if not every single person likes me? Could you help me to really understand and believe that I don't have to be liked by everyone and who really cares if one or two people don't care for me?

Please help me to not see or hear petty looks, comments, and attitudes. Help me to quit worrying about "why" someone seems to dislike me and just go on and do my job. Which is what I've been doing, but I wish it would quit bothering me. There is just something so unsettled in my spirit around a couple people. When I'm in my room, I'm perfectly at peace (despite the kids -smiles), but when I go to lunch or meetings or at grade level meeting time (which is torture!), I can just sense it- like I'm not wanted at one end of the lunch table or I'm "out" of the group. It's just an ugly feeling, and I don't think it's just me being sensitive. Kristen sees it, and today someone else even commented on it who is not on our grade level. I mean it feels like something else- ugly and mean and wicked. I don't know if it's just because I don't drink and fool around and go to the strip club or other things like that and have tried to not hide that I love You- though I'm a terrible witness even considering that. I don't know, I really don't.

I just know that I have to do this grade level chairperson & leadership thing and I don't feel like I can. And it might be wrong, but God if you could make a way for a couple friends and I to be together next year it would be so nice! I would love to stay in K with them, but if I have to move, please show me that it is Your will and that I can do it. Show me what I should do both now and in the future. I'm trying to listen to You God, and I know I'm doing miserably, but I'm trying to live for You too.

Your Rebekah