Come to Jesus

In memory of M., a mother to one of my "kids" who "went to heaven with Jesus" this weekend (as her little boy stated it), and in honor of her little boy who came to Jesus today while walking with me back to the classroom from the playground. Please let her know.

A Gift to Myself

We had an impromptu family "date" tonight and all went to Starbucks. Went, as in, went in, ordered a drink, shared a piece of banana bread between the kids and me, and sat down and just gabbed, relaxed, hung out, laughed, talked, and just were together.

It was SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because of money, I made Rob promise me he wouldn't get me a gift for a certain birthday coming up. But tonight I thought that this could be my gift from them and to myself, and I can't think of a better present than this. It was really a lot of fun just hanging together there. Barbara & I shared this little fancy shmancy chair/lounger thing, and she played on my phone. Rob & Robert talked and talked. Matthew sat in the middle of these two groups listening mostly, talking a little, and sharing some of my drink after he finished his.

I had my favorite thing there- only one of two things I can drink at S'bucks- the Caramel Apple Spice! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is there anything more yummy than that????

Yeah, this was definitely a gift, and a wonderful one. I ADORE my family with all that is in me, and there is nothing I like more than just being with them and relaxing, talking, joking, and cutting up with them. My hubby & kids have such great senses of humor. We are like a three-ring circus of one-liners, ditziness, clumsiness (on my part), and jokes. Just too much fun!

So, even though they never read this, THANKS family. I LOVE YOU ALL, and you really made my night!

Thanks God for this crazy group of family You gave me.

Christmas Tree Time 2008

On this chilly, foggy, rainy Sunday afternoon, the Thomas family went out to get a Christmas tree for what could be our last Christmas with three children living at home, and what we all hope is our last Christmas in someone else's house (as we hope to be moving into our own home in a few weeks' time).



I had to take a few photos, even if this isn't quite as nostalgic as it used to be or as exciting since by this time next year, I may be minus one or two kids at home.

Ever the clowns are my children!

Okay, I don't usually step out from behind the camera, and I definitely resemble a pig or something with a snout here, but oh well.

And, of course with Rob too.

Go Barbara Go! Proving once again that girls rock too! :)

Only our family would go out in the rain to get a tree, and only our kids would wear flip-flops in NC at this time of year- everyone else down here thinks we are nuts! Shhh, don't tell them we really are! :)

Without the van this year, we had to improvise how to get the tree home.


Everybody had a part except for me who just took pictures. :)

Now to find time to decorate this crazy busy week. Hopefully before our company arrives later this week. I hope, but Scott & Jessica, if you're reading this, don't count on it! :)

Confessions of a Former White Trash Teacher

Sorry to anyone who reads this and is offended at my lack of PC-ness. Sorry to my Momma who HATES it when I refer to myself that way & to anyone who doesn’t know me well enough to have heard my great “white trash teacher” story, but this one is just a silly nothing for me today. :)

The power just went out here for some as yet, unknown reason. Since I really should be working on schoolwork and being productive, but REALLY don’t want to, I decided to jot this down just to amuse myself.

Every once in a while the power goes out here. It doesn’t take much in good ol’ Greensboro, NC, for the power to go out. I don’t know what would happen if there ever were a real storm here, seriously. I try not to be a “weather snob” as we five Thomases have come to call it, but there is not much for weather down here except for heat in the summer. :) If you get a gust of wind, a clap of thunder, and two raindrops, people here think there is a tornado outside your door and you should go hide in the bathtub. (Just kidding to my southern friends, just kidding) And the power, seriously, does go out here anytime there is much wind at all or if we get a heavy downpour, but the power usually comes back on pretty quickly so no complaining here.

But I digress. I’m just wondering how far away from my “white trash teacher” days, as I call them, do I have to get before the first thoughts in my head when the power or water or heat goes out quit being, “Did I pay that bill? I know I paid that bill on time. Why did they shut us off?” Seriously, that is always the first thing that comes to my brain, even though those days are long gone and I pay the bills routinely on the first day of each month almost religiously. It’s funny how hard times, experiences, life, things just frame who you are as a person. I mean, here I am a school teacher, a mom of three almost grown kids, a secure in the middle class person, a responsible citizen who always pays her bills (even when I don’t always have the money, God helps me find a way), and yet those days of being poor and going without are just a part of who I am, and I’m guessing they always will be. Maybe that’s not so bad; it’s just kind of funny how that’s there.Wonder how many other confessions I might make if I thought about this very deeply, but then as I always say (much to the aggravation of my sister I might add), I’m not a very deep thinker. So I’ll leave that to her, crack wise about my poor days, and always wonder “Hmmm, didn’t I pay the power bill?” when the lights go out. :)

Apparently I am hopelessly outdated

Today as we drove home from the grocery store, one of my young people told me about a teacher (who shall remain nameless here) informing them about the legality of oral sex in NC. Let me say this was NOT the social studies or civics teacher where, though I would have been upset by this it would have at least made some sort of contextual sense. It was in a class where they had finished up their work and were just talking about stupid laws with the teacher.

Okay, I know I'm terribly old-fashioned in some ways to my kids and to one in particular, very out-dated, but of all the stupid laws a teacher could have talked about- THAT ONE????!!!!! UGH!

I was told, "We are almost adults Mom!" I know, but still that just somehow seems inappropriate to me. I don't discuss this or even hear this discussed amongst adults at the places I have worked. If I want my kids to know that, I'll tell them thank you very much. Who cares about that when we are supposed to be teaching them how to read, write, spell, communicate with others, think critically, make decisions, work cooperatively with others, know about the history of the world and about people.... Well, I guess oral sex fits in somewhere there- maybe it goes under communication or knowing about people... I don't know, but once again I'm very disappointed with the state of education. It hurts even more since I am an educator.

This stuff just brings me down. And it hurts to know my child thinks I am stupid, dumb, or weird to think this is out of line. Any time now, Lord, any time...

Giving Thanks

I taught my kids last week that Thanksgiving is two words- I know this is not news to anyone out there, but it is to a five or six year old, so give me a break. :)

So now it's my time to give thanks:

• Jesus- yeah, there are not words enough to say thanks to Him, and though I can't just say "Oh thanks God" and leave it at that, well I could never write enough to say thanks to the Creator, the Savior, the One who knows it all, our Provider, the One I run to in the good times & the bad (oh, especially do I bug Him in the bad)- Let me make You proud
• love- Jesus', my family's, my students'
• family- my parents (living & gone) that loved me, raised me, and supported me all these years of my life so far; my husband who has stuck with me through it all and still is; three wonderful children of my own who have taught me lots about life & about God; a sister who loves me & now a brother-in-law to meet in a few days who will hopefully like us
• a job that allows me to provide for my family & that allows me to use the talents He gave me to their fullest (well, maybe not this year but normally)
• all the hugs, smiles, waves, and more I get daily at work- these make even the hardest day better and some days just what I need to get through another day. It means so much to me to know that I mean something to a child. Let me always mean something to a child, and let the love I give away grow a hundred-fold in their lives to bring them to You and to a wonderful life.
• food in the house (I am ever so aware of this blessing as we didn't always have a full cupboard or frig and though I didn't starve or come anywhere near close, Rob & I both know what it's like to go hungry to feed your kids)
• a warm place to live (We've lived in some crummy places and seen some "interesting" things, so I'm thankful for such a great rental home and one that is way warmer than what we lived in while in Iowa!)
• in just a few short weeks, our OWN HOME, our 1st home, a nicer home that will be OURS!!!!! (again, I could write a novel about this, but will just say thanks!)
• nice vehicles (wow, yeah, only those who have known Rob & I for years would completely understand this one- how far God has brought us from the days of the "white trash teacher car" to now having two new vehicles!!! That is a miracle from above!)
• clothes to wear & not be going around completely showing my ugliness - the world says Thank You also God :)
• the world which shows its God-given beauty in so many ways- from new, green leaves & grass (there is no more beautiful green in the world to me than a field of new winter wheat) to the splendor of autumn's color show, to fresh-fallen snow (not messed up yet by us people), to the mountains which stick their heads up and point the way to heaven, to the prairie which spreads its beauty out filled with gorgeous wind-blown grasses & wildflowers, to the gentle grace & fragile beauty of a butterfly opening its wings ever so lightly as it drinks from a flower, to the ocean which ebbs & flows at His hand and constantly thunders (I believe God's praise) & has such power in its grasp, to the sunrise & sunset- each day we have a beautiful painted canvas above us to enjoy, one that is unique and not to be repeated ever again
• all the times God has been with me in my still not-too-long life- if I were to list those, well I couldn't. I can't think of a time when God has not been with me. Just times when I felt like He wasn't or didn't see Him there, but then I always get further down this road & look back and can see that He really was and He really cared for me even while I was questioning, sad & scared, stressed & overwhelmed, definitely not at my best, He never left my side
• freedom- what more can be said than that- freedom is such a gift & I know that I was blessed to be born in a land where we are free to come & go, say & do what we please, choose our own futures/spouses/residences/lives
• memories of many good times & even the bad as they help me to be more appreciative of the good
• true friends- though I've only had a few that were really good & "true" friends to me & they or I have come & gone from each other's lives- I am thankful for their friendship- Tanise, Deb, & Amanda and Sue all from Rock Island will always hold a place in my heart. Here in NC, I came to adore Kristen & we were such a great team, though I miss her daily I am so thankful You allowed our paths to cross for those two short years

God, if I died today (not that I want to die today) I would die a blessed person, and I can't let temporary circumstances get the better of me and make me less than I ought to be. Thank You for all these blessings and so many, many more that I could never list them all.

Happy Thanks-giving God. Thank You for all You are!
Rebekah

a boulder, a pebble, a grain of sand- a lesson for rebekah

I grew up in the Midwest, land of the mighty Mississippi & corn. The closest I ever got to seeing the ocean was when my hubby & I took the kids camping at Lake Michigan- wow! that was amazing- water for as far you could see.

But that was nothing compared to a cold day in March 2005, when a not-so-thrilled husband took me across an unknown land called North Carolina to see the ocean both of us thinking "we'll never be back here again so we might as well see it now." That was one act of sacrifice Rob made for me, not too happily, but nonetheless he did it anyway as he knew how badly I wanted to see it.

WOW! Now THAT was amazing! The water was COLD and the sound was awesome! I even saw surfers out that day, which I thought was really cool. I didn't know people surfed anywhere except the west coast & Hawaii. :) :) :)

Then, a few months later we moved to North Carolina after all, and we spent the last of our moving money to take the kids to see the ocean & to visit the warship my grandfather fought on in WWII. All the way out there, one of my kids kept making comments about how it wasn't a big deal, just a big bunch of water.... until, he too saw it. I heard his gasp as he walked over the dune & the grass and saw the ocean for the first time.

What I learned that second trip is just how powerful the ocean is. I couldn't hardly stand up in the surf. Now I know I have lousy balance & that was a lot of it, and I'm not exactly a small or in-shape person & that was a lot of it, but still the waves have so much power to knock you down, pull you in or out depending on what they want to do. I've since read about riptides more too as I sometimes see the warnings for the coast about strong riptide currents... Yeah, those waves may be beautiful but they can be dangerous and deadly.

So, now, today I'm thinking about the waves and the ocean and their power. I've seen lots of pictures of places where the waves come in and slam into the rocks and create huge splashes of water. Where we visited the ocean, the water just rolls in and flows over the sand. The sand moves in and out with the water, not resisting, but just letting the water move it. There's a lesson here- a few actually, I think.

As we walked along the beach we found all kinds of broken shells and small pebbles, all worn smooth from the action of the water. Some were quite pretty, but they didn't get to be so smooth and beautiful though from just being that way. It was months and months, who knows maybe years or even decades of being washed over, slammed into, and worn by the water & waves. Okay, so maybe I'm weird, but I think about one of those pebbles or, wow- even a grain of sand that was once a big boulder perhaps. What did they look like before the waves came into their life? Were they just a big pile or a high, hard wall sitting on the coast somewhere? How far had they journeyed to get to the NC coast? What storms did they go through in the ocean before they landed on this beach? And what now of their life? In & of themselves, they are just some tiny little pebble or grain of sand, but together with the other millions of pieces of sand and pebble and shell, they are a beautiful beach where living things find a home and thousands of people come to see the glory (whether they know it or not- God's glory) and wonder of the ocean.

So, how does this apply to me?

I've been sitting here looking up verses about the waves & ocean & sand. Don't know exactly why except that I know there's a lesson here for me, that's been waiting for three years to come out.

I see countless verses in the Bible throughout the Old & New Testaments where it talks about how God controls the waves & the sea. He is the Creator, so it stands to reason that He controls them.

Sometimes, God creates the waves. And if I've learned anything about Him, it's that there is always some lesson, some reason for what He does.

Psalm 107: 25, 28-30 "...For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves... Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven..."

So, why would He put storms and waves into my life? Maybe it's because of something I've done- a natural consequence of my own actions. Maybe it's to get my attention focused back on Him or to remind me to watch Him more closely. Maybe it's because I need to rely on Him more and me less. Maybe it's because He needs to guide me to the "desired haven" & I can't get there on my own. Maybe it's because it's just life- yeah, that's probably often the case & I didn't see it at the time, but "life" happens to us all.

Here's what I do know. Those waves smash into the tiny rocks and big boulders & high cliffs all the same. Over time, those waves have a cumulative effect of weathering and wearing down a rock, or pebble, or even those giant cliffs. They get worn down, smoothed out, and made into something smoother, prettier and less rough around the edges. They lose their individuality in some ways, I guess, but they are able to become part of a whole that serves a greater purpose than that one rock or boulder by itself. I mean no one would go walking around on a beach made of sharp, jagged stones that would cut your feet- well few of us would anyway. And when the waves of life come, the small pebbles and grains of sand are able to just move with God's flow and go where He wants them to be.

I don't want to be a hard-headed, stubborn, self-reliant person that can't lean on God. I need Him to come weather down some more rough edges in my life (yeah, I know what some of them are & I'm sure there are some more He's just waiting to show me when I can handle it or when the time is right). So I guess that means that I ride some of these waves of life and go with it until this storm is over- be it a storm of $, storm of health, storm of hormones, or whatever. I guess it doesn't really matter if I even know the source or why it's storming does it? All that matters is that the great Creator is with me in it all, and He won't let me drown and that He'll use these rougher times to create a better, prettier, less jagged-edged Rebekah that can serve His purpose better.

God, once again I surrender the rudder to you. I don't like storms and difficulties, but I know You are with me even when I don't see You, feel You, or get the answer I want or think I need. Please guide me through these waves to the haven You have chosen for me. Help me to make it through without totally losing my cookies (yeah, there's that pride again, huh Lord?) It sure does keep creeping in there. I think that's truly the problem. It's not so much the storm as I don't want to lose control of my emotions or let others know that I'm not okay. I'm scared of being judged (have already been so by a few), don't want to "look" like less than a wonderful person.... Yeah, so that's the lesson here isn't it? I guess the sooner I swallow all that pride, the sooner this one will end. At least I hope so.

Until You guide me home in the end, I'm relying on You,
Rebekah

A Wedding

God,

It's me again. There's a wedding today in Galena, Illinois. It's my sister's. Where am I? Here in North Carolina. God, do you know how much this hurts?

I know it's not about me, so all I can do is let the tears flow and ask You to bless the two of them. Give them a long life filled with joy, love, laughter, and You. Bless them with their hearts' desires and help them to grow closer to You and to each other as the years pass.

And on a selfish note, help me to get my "stuff" stuffed back in to its places here in a few minutes before I have to go to church. I kind of doubt that the parents of the infant nursery will want to leave their precious babies in the arms of a blubbering, hysterical, emotional idiot such as me.

Your somewhat crazy child,
Rebekah

Meet a Miracle

Okay, so now that I've been all serious and journalled my guts out, opening myself up to show my true "ugly" side (boy I'm scared about being that honest), let me share this with whoever might come along. :)

You see that button to the side- the MckMiracle one? Well you should go visit this site! I "found" MckMama late spring sometime I think & have been reading her blog ever since. God healed her son- a true miracle- through the prayers of TONS of people who were also following her online. I know the internet can be used for a lot of creepy things, but God can use it too. Her baby, Stellan, was supposed to die in utero, was supposed to not make it, was supposed to maybe survive birth but have all kinds of problems, was supposed to have a severe heart condition. BUT, God took their lives in a whole 'nother direction, and Stellan was born and is now doing great at home- no problems, no death....

Wow, those two words- but, God- well, there' s no other words needed. In fact, that has me thinking about looking for other "but God's" in the Bible. Hmmm... Maybe that's just what I need right now. Wow, God you're amazing! I start this blog entry to enter MckMama's Fryday contest, after blogging my heart out and being honest with You, myself, & a few people who read my blog, and then You show me something to do that is just what I need. God is truly amazing!

So anyway, go "meet" MckMama. If I hadn't "gotten fixed" that would have been me- four kids 3 & under! I had three kids under 3 at one point. :) Of course, I was not as "with it" as this mom since I was so young & poor & in college, but hey, I made it & they were awesome kids in their own right and now awesome young adults! :) Seriously, want to read some uplifting stuff? Go read about Stellan's short life but big journey so far!

Early Morning Reflections

It's early on Saturday, and I'm sitting under a blanket in the family room so I don't disturb the sleeping boy that's back here. :) I took this photo of the changing sky (I kind of liked the shadows in the picture) and can't get back to sleep so I am just thinking a lot of random thoughts, topped with being VERY VERY thankful for some sleep and sleeping in my bed too!


This post is going to be a mish-mash of personal stuff that will more than likely make no sense to anyone but me & hopefully God. I promise that I may be "a nut" and half crazy, but I'm going to be okay, just a mix of sleep deprived, hormonal, emotional, homesick, lonely, tired, disappointed.... riding along with THRILLED, EXCITED, GRATEFUL, THANKFUL, HAPPY, AMAZED, CONTENT.... Let me tell you these complete opposites of emotions make for a fun daily ride as I go up & down depending on the moment, situation, and I'm ready to get off this roller coaster ride. Only a woman could feel so many emotions at once, and though I'm grateful to be a mom, wife, & daughter, I could do without these emotions. I wouldn't mind having a man's more simple, one-track brain & hormones. :) :) :)



If you are a family member or coworker, please know that I going to journal here some very personal things I am going through, feelings, emotions, worries, disappointments. It is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, but to actually help my own by getting some "junk" out of me. I have been going through some things (maybe not serious or life threatening or as serious as what someone else is facing, but hard none-the-less) & I've been trying to deal with them just by talking to God, venting to Rob, and "sucking it up," but it's not working. I feel like I have to get them out of my system and that maybe if I put them here I will feel better. I started to not post this publicly, but it is my blog & I think I'm fairly transparent/darn near see-through to most people anyway & I am who I am, so I'm not going to hide this "ugly" side of me. I'm going to take a big risk, admit to everyone that I have some seriously ugly stuff in me, and put this out here and hopefully anyone who decides to read the whole stupid thing will understand me a little better and still like me and think I'm okay when they're done- well okay, I really want you to think I'm wonderful, tremendous, terrific, perfect..., but if you can just like me well, that's good too.

Thank you God for:

• allowing my back to allow me to sleep in my bed 5 of the past 6 nights in my own bed which I haven't done in over a year now!
• touching my back and helping it to finally begin healing!
• medicine & You that let me sleep at least 6 hours each night of this week
• helping me to get enough sleep to feel a little better physically this week
• unconditional love- Yours most of all, even though I often doubt it, I'm thankful, so very, very thankful for it. I know someday I will see You- oh my goodness I can't fathom that- & then I will never have to doubt it or myself in Your grace anymore- I can't wait for that day as this Rebekah down here gets so old to put up with. She can be a real drag sometimes! :)
• blessing us with our 1st home in a few weeks!!!!! This was a dream that many years ago I'd laid aside "for the moment" knowing I'd be able to pick it up in Your time, though I often doubted if that time would ever come. Thank You for letting it finally be Your time. Your time is always best, and though I sometimes don't keep that in mind, I do know You know what is best for us. There have been a lot of disappointments and frustrations along the way, but I'm so thankful that You've been with us in it all and are here with us in the good too. I almost feel guilty for being blessed. I know that's silly and another way I'm a bit crazy, but it's just a feeling and I'm going to take the blessings and run with them. I know they'll be other rainy days ahead too and days when I don't feel blessed (had lots of those in the past and recently), so I know it's okay to take a blessing and just be thankful. You can be sure Rob & I will use this blessing to bless others however we can! I can't wait to move in to this blessing! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
• my wonderful husband. Wonderful just doesn't do him justice. He hasn't always been so wonderful, and we certainly have had some very rough spots in this marriage of ours, but I'm so thankful for him. Thank You for leading him into my life so long ago. He's been my best friend and through all of the physical stuff these past few months I'd never have made it without him standing with me. I know I have You, but I think You will understand what I mean. You're "here" & are my rock & the One I cry out to and try to live for and I need that more than anything, but You don't come down "here" and hold my head when I cry, squeeze my hand at a dr.'s appointment, listen to me... in the physical way that He does. He is being Your servant by doing those things & taking care of me, and I thank You for giving him to me to be here for me in the bad as well as the good. I know You'd be proud of the way he has been here with me.
• Little Things- that maybe really aren't such little things after all such as
• beautiful lawns, woods/forests, fields filled with fallen leaves- that is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me- colorful leaves all over the ground
• a child's smile, laughter & hug- my classroom is filled with it and it makes things right on even the worst days- it brightens my days, my life & I'm a better person for it
• a November snow- another thing that just thrills me for some strange reason- November snows rarely ever stick or stay long, but they are just exciting- back home a promise of more to come, here just a reminder of memories of home, childhood, happy days & though Your birthday has absolutely nothing to do with snow of course, a snowfall makes me think of & feel like it's more Christmas-y. I know God, I'm truly a nut, but You made me. :) I hope at least once in a while, I bring a smile to Your face. Wow! That would be so neat to know I somehow made the great Creator smile. :) That's pretty deep! I truly do wish that I would bring a smile to Your face often. Which brings me to the down part of this ride I'm so very, very sick of.

The yucky emotions & swings I keep having the past couple weeks are so tiring Lord. I could really do without these. :) All I want is to please You. I so desire to be one of these people who despite what they go through always just "show" You to those around them. You know what I mean. People that just sing Your praise & glow and people sense You in them. I'd like to think I was one of those people, but I'd only be kidding myself. I know I'm not.

I just can't stand myself Lord. I don't know how to even stop this self-hate, let alone like me.

NC's version of snow in November

We woke up to a light snow on the ground in November!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks God for a pretty blanket to wake up to, only You & Rob know how much this means to me!

Rebekah :)

our new yard in the fall

Well, okay, I recently posted photos from "our yard" which isn't actually "ours" as we rent. BUT, these next photos are going to be our yard- for real. :) And this is how it looks in the fall this year. :) Next year it will even better because we'll be there, living in it. :)

So for now, here are a few photos of the house we signed a contract on today- our first home. 20 years, & 3 months -1day from our wedding, Rob & I are finally being blessed with our first home. :) THANKS GOD!!!!!! You couldn't have given this to two more grateful people!!!!

Here is the new house (soon to be our house) from the corner as you approach. :) It has several big, TALL trees in the back and is a good size city lot (which I'm happy about!)

Here is the house from the street.

Closer view- LOVE the lamppost!!!

covered car parking port thingy- sound like Barbara Rose now :) & the gate into the fenced off backyard

This part of the backyard is right off the house- there is a door from the laundry room out to this enclosed part. The privacy fence needs just a small amount of repair. There is more backyard behind this fence, several large trees, a rusted out shed (maybe we can replace down the road), and this chain-link fenced in area with a small dog run which is all overgrown now, but we'll clear out for Samson to use at least some of the time.

Pop, I've already been thinking how I can move the stones around the tree to include it in part of the flower bed as the roots are sticking out here and there isn't much grass here. :)
From the side of the house looking back behind the privacy fence- the shed is in sad shape & needs to be replaced, but isn't that tree pretty? :) Can you see how tall the trees are? I can't wait to see how this all looks in the spring with the leaves coming back.
From the side of the house looking out towards the corner of the lot & the corner- a nice neighborhood

We went back to the house after signing the contract to pray together & thank God :). Of course while Rob & I walked around, and around, and around and talked, the boys decided to be their usual selves- clowns. Here is Robert trying to pretend to "break in" in front of the ADT security sign. Matthew was the photographer, & of course they got to plotting great poses, like the following. What's more dangerous than one teenaged boy? Two! :)

Today's :)'s

Today I am thankful for getting about (give or take a 1/2 hour) 8 hours of sleep last night. Momma, I was in bed at 9:00 to read my Bible, and drifted off sometime after 9:30ish.

I am thankful for being prequalified by a bank for a house loan today. That is an ABSOLUTE, TOTAL, & COMPLETE miracle in itself, as my family only will truly understand how far we've come in just a few years time.

I am thankful that God is in control, regardless of whether I always can see it or know it, and that even when I don't feel too good, He is still there.

He truly does stick closer than a brother, or son/daughter, or husband, or sister, or friend, or mother/father. He loves me- faults and all. I sure need that unconditional love right now it seems more lately.

Well, I'm going to go check my student's work for the day and crash again early. I am so tired and can hardly keep my eyes open.

our yard in the fall

Fall sure comes late here in this part of North Carolina. A few photos from our yard today.

Donors Choose Project # 3

I'm not trying to annoy anyone or beg, but my 3rd homework bag proposal is about to expire. I was planning on just letting it expire, and purchasing some of the items myself as I have a few dollars here or there. I am excited though because when I checked on it today, I have had two new donors in the last few days, and it needs $355 to get funding. If you know of anyone who would like to give, please ask them to visit my proposal's site.

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=192414


Anyone can give anything- even $1. Thank you for helping me help my students & families!

P.S. I should add that I now have 14 bags completed and visiting the children each weekend. The K's & 1st's are, literally, begging for the bags during the week and counting days on the calendar until Fridays. :) I have made/am making several more bags on my own (with my own funds) and have supplemented all the bags with Walmart/Dollar Tree finds and lots of self-created goodies/learning games/activities. So for any donor looking, please know that I am investing a lot of my own money, time, and effort into these. I really believe in this project & the investment in my students' learning & families' lives.

Another Sleepless Night

It's just about 6 AM, & I've just been lying here waiting for a half-decent time to just get up. I did what the dr. asked of me now for three nights in a row. Put down school work, computer work & play, reading, t.v. everything and went to bed at a decent hour. What did it get me- yet another sleepless night. The past two nights were the worst I've had in a long while.

What am I doing wrong here God? I don't understand why I can't sleep. And even with the medicine that should have knocked me out, I couldn't get to sleep and kept waking up all night.

Now I've got to drag my butt into school yet again and fake my way through. I am telling you now God, I'm going to lie all day. "Yes, I'm fine." And I know that it is wrong, and I'm asking you ahead of time to forgive me, but I am NOT discussing it with anyone. I'm not talking to anyone about this, God- not anyone. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, let alone try to explain what is wrong with me when I don't even understand what is wrong.

God, I must be going crazy or being punished for something, or maybe I'm dying. I don't know, but I feel awful and don't want to keep going on like this. I'm trying so hard to keep a smile on my face, show You through my tired, laugh & be happy, see the positives in life, be a light for You, and not be a "gloomy Gus," but I am failing at that too.

God, even You had a need for rest when You rested on the 7th day. Why can't I sleep God? WHY????????????????????????

Today's thankfuls

Thank you God today for:

• a day of rest & not going to work
• a day with a nap to make up for less sleep last night
• a day home with my hubby & best friend
• a p.j. day
• a dr. who is really taking care of me & who takes the time to sit and talk with me and listen and really cares
• a family that loves me- though they may disagree with me
• great kids- though they may aggravate me, they're truly great young adults!
• a job which allows me to love little ones & provides me with a roof over my head, a warm shelter, & food to eat- even if it causes me stress, I know I'm blessed to have a job

I'm working on it God, I really am. I hope You, at least, can see & believe that I want to please You and be healthy.

Pondering

I've reached a decision about something. I have difficulty putting my views into words, and when asked about my "philosophy" on anything- well, forget it! Of course, as a teacher, that's a frequent question from administrators, professors, instructors....

But, after just over three years here in GCS, I'm ready to make one philosophical statement. As I sat in my workshop this morning (the 2nd Saturday in a row), I realized that my "philosophy" & the current one I'm seeing in this county is a mismatch. I can't figure out if it's my school, my district, my current state, or just the state of education with good ol' NCLB- which, by the way, I've decided to rename for "No Common-sense Left to Be found."

I left the workshop with some ideas, some stretching of my professionalism and level of teaching (which is always GREAT), but also feeling like a lousy teacher. There are so many things I know to do, want to do, & know that work, but in trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to do for this stupid county, my school, the powers-that-be, well at the end of the week, most weeks I just feel like I've failed.

I can hear some of my family and even my boss telling me that my less-than-best is still wonderful.... etc., etc., etc., but I am still so very, very frustrated.

I actually left today and drove home and cried all the way there thinking I should just quit being a teacher. But, I know in my heart I was meant to be a teacher. That I was wired by Him to be this and nothing else. I absolutely, with-everything-that's-in-me love my students and am so tied to so many children at my school. There is nothing else I am trained or skilled to do. Even if I did try to do something else (and I'm sure that is not what God designed me for), I couldn't make what I do now with all these years of experience and having to start over in a new field at the bottom of a pay scale. It kills me that all I really want to do is just teach my kids and help them go as far as they can go & be left alone. Why, oh why, can't I just do that?!?!

My to-do list grows exponentially daily, it seems. I work twice as hard or more just to keep my head barely above water. I hardly sit all day, and even my assistant worries and fusses at me to "slow down, Mrs. Thomas." By the end of the day & week, all I have to show for that running, hustling & bustling is a messy work space, a pile of copies to figure out & organize, a to-do list of materials to pull, make, create for the next week. And that's just the normal week. Poor Elba has to live in the same classroom with crazy, seemingly disorganized & chaotic me (and yes, I am a bit of those things, but normally not this much).

Then there are the beloved PEP's that I have to do now. I very stupidly went and told my principal how I really felt, and expressed how frustrated and tired I was. Then a few days later, she relates to me that I was in a "snit" and yeah, now I feel embarrassed, and disgusted with myself & ashamed of myself for doing what I thought was standing up for myself and my fellow K teachers. I did the stupid PEP's for kids who don't even need them (long story that only an AJE teacher would understand so I won't bore the two people who might be reading this), and got my report cards turned in two days late, and what now? Now I have a post-it note from the boss that I must do 5 more PEP's.

I am tired beyond words. I keep thinking I can't get more tired or worn out- physically, mentally, or emotionally, but then I keep going on somehow- well I know it's God, but still.
I am frustrated with myself (most of all), with coworkers, with a lot of stuff.
I am discouraged.
I am lonely- yeah, very lonely.
I am homesick.
I am sick, and sick of being sick.

I know God is bigger than all this, and to His hands I am placing my life & all this "stuff." I know He will bring me through and I will be a better person for it. Until then, I am not a very happy camper.

I'm very excited tonight because tomorrow half my class will start taking home the weekend homework bags I've made!!!! I've worked long and hard on this from writing the grant proposals and planning it all out this summer, to assembling materials, making learning games/activities, and writing it all out, getting the bags assembled and everything ready. It's been a LOT of work, but it will be well worth it.

If you'd like to see photos of some of the bags, visit here.


I have two weeks to get the rest finished- another 10 bags! Boy will I be busy but then I'll have to just refill and check bags each week!

Happy Friday to any & all!

Barbara Gets a Haircut

Barbara has had long hair for a long time; she decided to let it keep growing & donate it to Locks of Love in honor of her grandma, a breast cancer survivor. Today she finally got it cut. WOW does she look much more grown-up and SO MUCH like her aunt!!!