Last of the Day's Photos

Not sure what a cute caption for this would be, but couldn't resist posting the photo. I promise I wasn't holding Barbara back, and she didn't knock her daddy down.

A happy and beautiful Barbara returns home. :)

Homecoming 2008 @ Ben L. Smith

Photos from tonight's Homecoming festivities:

Dad waiting for his little girl

Dunamis is escorting Barbara out onto the field
Here they come- Dunamis has a great smile! :)

Awww, two good friends- aren't they cute!

My Beautiful Baby Girl

Tonight is the big homecoming game at Ben L. Smith High School in Greensboro, NC! Barbara has run for Homecoming Queen, and used her last summer paychecks to buy herself a beautiful dress. But the girl makes it beautiful. I know I'm her momma, but she is just a very beautiful person- inside & out!

Dropping her off at school tonight, I couldn't imagine this night long, long ago!!! How quickly it has all passed.

Just a quick photo or two before we left. She just looked so happy and beautiful.

Her good friends, Rita and Shaleesa, came over after school to help fix her hair and do her makeup. :) Such good friends they are!!!!

Going Back Up the Hill

Well, after a couple weeks of being overwhelmed and stressed- not to mention grumpy and discouraged- I felt better today- my moods that is. Thank GOD who truly is the "lifter of my head," and thank my wonderful daughter who prayed for me a couple times yesterday and whose prayers were answered.

I spent almost the whole weekend (don't fuss at me Momma) in my classroom, cleaning, moving, reorganizing, and preparing for this week. We'll see how I feel at the week's end, but as of today, I felt so much better about my room and the "stuff" going on inside it. I hated spending so much time there over the weekend, but if it helped me get more caught up and feel this much better, than it was time well spent. Tonight I was able (with Matthew's help- thanks kiddo!) to get a HUGE-MONGOUS pile of papers from last week checked and "stickered" and entered into my record book. Wait until Elba (my assistant) sees the pile of papers to sort into kids' mailboxes tomorrow. YIKES!!!!

We'll see how I feel after three days of after school meetings, but no matter what I thank God for giving me a better day today. The rest of the week will keep me hopping busy between planning meetings in 1st & K, running Barbara to find shoes for Homecoming, balancing my checkbook, paying my bills, getting a haircut hopefully, and attending the big homecoming game Friday night to watch my baby girl in her beautiful dress. :) It's going to be another crazy-busy, but hopefully better week!

I'm off to sleepy-land.
Night!
Rebekah :)

Disagree I Must

I have heard so many times in my life- from my young adult years to this past week- this little saying- "You can't love others if you don't love yourself." It's always been said to me in an attempt to make me like myself better or to convince me that I should "love" me or that I can't really love others with such low self-esteem....

I have thought about this so many times, and I have always disagreed with this, but I must say that the older I get, the more I disagree with this and the more strongly I disagree with it!

I think there is too much self-love & self absorption in our country, too much focus on loving ourselves, our interests, our wants & desires. I think people spend too much time thinking about themselves and not enough time on others. More time solving their own problems and not enough on helping others find solutions for theirs. I think people like to flatter themselves too much instead of looking for ways to help make others be lifted up and supported. Why does it matter if a person loves himself? Isn't/shouldn't it be more important that people put others before themselves? Wouldn't our world be a better place if everyone would think less of themselves and more of others?

I don't think a whole lot about myself, on a good day I tolerate me okay, but I absolutely-100%-with all that is in me- ADORE a whole ton of kids walking around my school, and a few other schools where I have spent time, not to mention my own three wonderful kids! I dare anyone to tell me that I don't really love them since I don't love myself!

When I said this to someone this week in this discussion about self-esteem & loving myself, the counter-reply was that I must, then, really love myself and just don't want to admit it. I almost have to laugh. Why does it really matter if I love me or not? I am not the important thing here. I am not of much value or worth- it is Christ!!!! He is the one who is important, He is the one whose love it is that comes through me.

When I look up loving yourself & others in the Bible, the only thing I find is "love your neighbor as yourself" not love yourself before you love your neighbor. And the verse that says "by this all men will know that you are My disciples- that you love one another"- it didn't say "that you love yourself." In fact, now that I'm looking this up a bit more, it says "I'm giving you a new rule- love one another, as I have loved you, that's how you should love other people..." (my paraphrase). Now I'm no spiritual genius or knowledgeable Bible scholar, but it seems to me that Jesus' example was to actually not love Himself. He was God and yet He gave up heaven, being worshipped and adored and served to be born to a poor family, to live a quiet, humble & simple life, to be "acquainted with sorrows" and to ultimately sacrifice & lay down His life for others.

So, I will disagree with this once again and always. Sorry to all those who have tried to convince me, but save yourself the trouble. I just disagree. I prefer to follow His example and love others instead of myself. To love me would be a low standard, but to love others- what higher calling could I seek to pursue?

Another Round of 1st's & Lasts

So begins the "beginning of the end" with Barbara. Another BIG year for me- Barbara's last concert, Barbara's last swim meet, Barbara's last year of high school....

And then there will be the "first's" that come with the "last's" too. Today was a first, my first time to go shopping for a dress for homecoming/prom... Of course it was my first and my last time for that as she's my only daughter, but it was just the tiniest taste of what it might be like someday when she is engaged. OH MY!

She has saved the last of her summer job paychecks to buy a dress and the other items needed for this. She is running for Homecoming Queen, and will find out Friday night at the big football game. So she & I went out today to find her a dress.

Here she is trying on the dress she ended up buying. Next weekend, I'll post pictures of the big fun this Friday.

tonight's rant

okay, i'm really not meaning to sound as negative as these past couple have- i think i'm going nuts or something because i have a good part of the day where i feel okay inside about what's going on in my room- there are certain parts of the day i feel like it's all "clicking" and then there are parts of the day where everything is driving me crazy and it's chaos (or seems that way to me) and this week it's been every afternoon that i just cry or want to cry and want this year to end so i can say it's over....

i hate when my emotions run all over the place- i want to be in control of those better

here are the things that are bothering me the most right now

• well-meaning people that i should be grateful for but who just end up annoying me
• comments that i guess are meant to point out what i should be thankful for, but end up ticking me off- who is anyone to point out what another person should or shouldn't be thankful for & by saying it to someone else aren't we kind of judging that person and saying that they aren't thankful- how do we even know what they are or are not thankful for....
• people telling me to "calm down" when i'm not "uncalm" just crazy busy and trying to keep it all done and stay one step ahead of the chaos that is my life right now- that really gets my goat!!!
• parents who dont' have the balls to come tell me off to my face but have no problem going to other teachers, other parents, my superiors and complaining and griping...
• parents who are asking for info & i can't even find a spare moment in my day to get them the info they want let alone call them back or write them a note without going back to school and working late & i do mean LATE after i get my own kids picked up and arranged and taken care of
• having to sacrifice my time with my kids- two of whom will leave me next year for their own adult lives and pursuits
• people who expect you to call them every single day and leave forty-two million messages for you
• parents who get mad at you or want an explanation for why there kid was only "satisfactory" instead of "outstanding" on their behavior today- PLEASE- when you have shoes being thrown at you or you are being screamed at or you are just trying to teach 19 K's & 1sts's and keep up with it all how in the world would i even remember something that small????
• feeling like i must be being rude to people because people keep treating me like i am - when i am not meaning to seem that way- i just am trying to keep it all together and done- let alone done well
• having to spend yet another friday night at school (which i will have to tomorrow) to just try to get caught up & this after i stayed at school last friday night until the God-forsaken hours
• having to be away from my husband so much and not even getting to spend time with my family - talking with them, joking with them (which is how we live- a group of wise guys always kidding around) just being home with them
• being told i have to leave my room and 'take a break" and then parents asking me when i will get the assessments done - like i haven't been trying to
• not having assessments done when i keep trying but have to keep stopping for the phone ringing, parents coming in, kids arguing and not doing their work & needing to redirect & reteach and help problem solve
• not being more organized or something- i try and try and thought i had it figured out last week and then it's just another big set of piles everywhere this week- i know my assistant has to be getting frustrated with all the stuff everywhere- it's driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, that's quite a list. the thing that is bugging me the most is that i truly, honestly try to be a happy & positive person. i think that i must not be showing my usual happiness because i am getting a lot of questions about "how it's going" and "are you alright" and "are you mad at me"- i'm guessing my stress and frustration is showing & what i really want to show is Christ- so once again i fail at the thing i want to do most.

the only thing i feel like i'm mostly getting right for the moment is that i am loving my kids and they are growing in their comfort with me. i get TONS of hugs and waves and smiles and "i love you signs" from my old kids, friends of old kids, and some kids i never even taught but who just come to get a hug or say hello to me for some reason. that is the only part of my day, my work life, my calling that i feel like i'm getting right.

oh please God, let me get this right- i so want to honor You.

hiding in my house from now on

last night's walmart run for collage stuff for my K's & 1st's art project today brought me the wondrous joy of hearing a group of people laughing at me and calling me a hippo as i was shopping in the same aisle with them. no, i was not being paranoid & no i was not being sensitive. i heard what i heard and barbara was there and can attest to the fact that they were laughing at me.

what did i do?- walked away, totally embarrassed, totally fuming mad- spouted off a few aisles away about fat people having feelings too, bought me a movie- Diary of a Mad Black Woman, came home and watched another "hippo"/fellow "Big Mama" character and laughed so hard- I needed that!!!

i'm thinking i need to stop going out into public except to go to church or work. and work, well these recent experiences have me thinking about that too. i just need to stay where i am and never leave- because at least now i've been there long enough that most people like me and see past the blubber butt to the skinny, nice girl inside- even if they can't see the skinny girl, they see the nice girl. if i start over somewhere else i'll have to "start over" on that too. i'm tired of this. mostly i'm tired of me.

i really am mental

i love this yoyo thing my head does to myself.

i can't stand myself
i HATE myself
i can tolerate myself
i almost like myself
oh, well if i almost like me or like me a little bit, just wait- i'm sure to find some reason why something is my fault or i did something just not right or failed someone......

repeat this over and over and over and over and over and over............ well you get the idea- a sure recipe for stupidity & failure in the whole confidence thing- yeah, that'd be me for sure! :)

mostly right now i am just very, very tired & disgusted with how i just seem to be barely staying afloat with so much work and effort or maybe i'm not really putting enough effort into it- i don't know. i just want my room to be perfectly wonderful all the time and when it's not- well i get really mad at myself

i feel like it is a yo-yo. i have moments in each day where i feel so great about the kids and what is happening at that moment - it just is wonderful- like today while we were on our weekly Wednesday Walk. the air was perfect, the temps just right, the sun shining, the kids having a blast, they were all holding hands and walking and talking and including me in the hand holding and it was fun then later, i feel like one student's behavior just ruined it all for me, and i'm frustrated beyond words that none of my "tricks" are making change in the behavior.

this pattern is repeated almost exactly this way each day. it makes me want to cry.........being sleep-challenged isn't helping either, and on that note, i should be in bed and not here, but i needed to get this down and out of my head (well, it won't be out of my head, but i know what i mean) goodnight rebekah, go to sleep self!

Giving My Heart Away

This week I thought my heart would break from love & sorrow at the same time. I didn't know it was possible to love so deeply and hurt so much for someone until I met certain students in my time as "Mrs. Thomas." There have been many over the years, and just when I think I can't love anymore, that's when another "diamond in the rough" comes through my classroom door. Though I love all the kids who have entered my classroom doors and they all mean something special to me, there are a few who take a piece of me with them when they leave me. These special few have left a tiny hole in my heart where I gave them some part of me, often without even realizing it, and that will never come back, nor would I want it to. Maybe they need that love and that part of me to help them, I don't know.

What I do know is this:

There was a kinderkid in my classroom last year who came to me late in the year. My first day with this child was rather memorable as he screamed and kicked and called me every name in the book and then a few and accused me of choking him... He was certainly a challenging young man! Those first few weeks with him were not much fun, but I could quickly see in him some great talent and potential. He truly is one of, if not the, smartest kid I have ever taught!!! But, as those few weeks we had left in the school year went on, I saw huge changes in him and in his behavior! He slowly began to smile a few times; he shared very deeply personal things with Kristen & I. He began to give us little gifts- a scrap of paper he had taped together, a feather or leaf he'd find, a coloring book from his house, little things that were really nothing, but were all he had. I'll never forget how he creatively took a pipe cleaner and fashioned a heart (or maybe it was a flower), attached a piece of tape and presented it to Kristen one day as a pin. She wore that all day, and the look of pride on his face was so deeply impressed into my mind. It meant so much to him to give us things like that- it was his love language and the only way he could show affection. He was not able to give hugs and had difficulty receiving hugs or compliments. He would often push us away after a moment of closeness, as if he were afraid to get to close or didn't want to open up all the way. He was a "tough" kid.

The one light in his life was that he had been told about God and would often tell us about the Bible and the Bible stories and lessons he had heard. He talked about a Bible video game he had and liked to play and about going to church. I always jumped on those opportunities to talk to him more and reinforce those ideas. He liked knowing that Mrs. Lanier & I both went to church and loved Jesus too. :)

He hoarded food in his backpack and would often come to school hungry or ask to take a snack home for later. When the year ended, I unloaded my whole snack box in that kid's backpack. By the end of the year, he was sometimes allowing me to hug him goodbye at the bus and I would sometimes even get a hug back. Oh it killed me to say goodbye to him at the end of the year and put him on the bus not knowing if I would ever see him again. I'll never forget when I said goodbye to him; I whispered in his ear and told him that I would always love him, would pray for him, and to never forget that Jesus loved him. He looked up at me, and said "I know Mrs. Thomas." He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and got on the bus.

Jump to this school year. He is now in first grade and seems to be doing very well. He hasn't shown any sign of behavior problems!!! I told his new teacher how smart he is, and this past week she told me she thought he was very intelligent!!! I'm so glad he has this going for him, and that he has a wonderful teacher who sees the potential he has! All summer, I prayed that his first grade teacher would see the good in him and would help him keep learning & growing! Every time I see him now, he is always smiling and he seems happier. He always waves the "quiet wave" to me, and I always wave back and give him the sign language "I love you" sign. At the Grandparents' Tea I went over and hugged him and told the guest with him how much he meant to me and how I'd love to take him home to be my little boy. He smiled and told me he wanted me to come see him in his room. I went over later as soon as I could get away for a minute. He of course, had a gift for me in his backpack- a page he had colored in his coloring book. He, once again, was smiling and happy that I accepted his small gift and that I liked it.

This week he asked his teacher if he could walk with me to the buses, and she allowed us to be "buddies." It was so nice to hold his hand and just talk a bit while we walked. He asked me why I didn't pick him to join my new K-1st class, and I tried to explain that I would have chosen him if it had been up to me. (In truth, he was one of the BIG reasons I wanted to move up to 1st with my class.) When we got to the bus, he looked up and asked me if he could give me a kiss on the cheek. I got two kisses, and I thought I would cry right there I was so honored to receive his love. The next morning, he stopped me on the sidewalk, and rifled through his backpack and told me had something for me. He couldn't find whatever it was, but he pulled out a video game magazine with his name on it and said, "This is for your son, Matthew." Then he pulled out a poster that might have been in the magazine and said, "This is for Robert." Both of these were well worn and were probably one of his few possessions; I felt so guilty about taking them from him. I tried to refuse, but you could just see that it would hurt his feelings, so I reluctantly did and thanked him, assuring him how much it would mean to my boys that he thought of them.

Last night, Rob & I worked late in my classroom, and I talked to him about these things and showed him these gifts. I cried. Rob likened these small tokens of love to the widow's mites in the Bible. That made me cry even more. How can I take these things from him knowing they are all that he has and that his life is so awful??? It is so deeply humbling to be the recipient of such love.

I have often asked God why I have to hurt for all my "kids," why do they have to suffer and go through so much. Rob told me last night that when I hurt for them, maybe, just maybe it takes a little of the hurt away for them. That maybe by carrying a burden for them makes their lives a little better. Oh, how that thought totally brings me to my knees and breaks my heart. Is it possible that by loving them I can truly make a difference? I really don't know how loving them and giving them hugs and snack and smiles and all those little things can make such a difference in a life so dark and dismal. But then I remember the verse that says, "Where sin abounds, grace abounds more." All I know is I was MEANT to be there for that little boy. And I am so thankful that I am there, so grateful for a chance to give my heart away to him and many others. So honored to be loved back that much.

God, please look out for my "kids" as they are Yours even more.

Fun Friday

What a week this has been!!!! I'm so very, utterly exhausted. I want to write more, but decided to copy an idea I found somewhere else for something fun to do on a Friday night. I mean, I really should be doing other things of much more importance like oh, say, making my new menu, balancing my checkbook, preparing my grocery list, lesson planning for two grades, writing my newsletter, reading my Bible might be good.... but what am I doing, nothing, absolutely nothing, just sitting here being a lazy butt and vegging my brain. Think I'll just call it a night soon and just go to sleep.



But for tonight- this "mosaic" was made w/ photos from flickr and each photo tells something about me.

• My name- Rebekah Rose
• What I am- a Christ follower
• My favorite color- BLUE
• My favorite food- chicken Parmesan
• Where I am from- Midwest (Illinois & Iowa)
• My favorite dessert- Momma's peach cobbler
• Dream vacation- a long cabin or camping trip up in the mountains
• Favorite flower- Mexican sunflower
• What makes me happy- children- my own & all the rest :)

?Goodbye Dexter? :(

It's 11 PM. I'm going to bed (my recliner) soon- this is the earliest I've gone to bed in a week. Oy! Dexter, our dog of 6 years, has disappeared. :( I sure hope he's okay and that he comes back soon, but he's been gone since sometime last night Rob thinks, so I am doubting he will return. I'm so tired and worn out that I can't even cry even though I want to.

God, please keep Dexter safe. If he can't come home, please help him to find a new home. If he's hurt, don't let him suffer.

Ready or Not- A New Challenge Awaits

Whew, what a day! I know it's Sunday, but I needed to put in some serious work time today in preparation to become a K/1 classroom by Tuesday. I thought I was going to make some fairly minor room changes, and to finish the organizational stuff I had started and not had time to finish. But, I ended up helping move things for the incoming 1st graders and still have all that organizing to do plus a pile behind my desk.

This week will bring a big challenge in the form of being a classroom with two grades. I'm a bundle of feelings over this challenge: excited, nervous, afraid of failure, anxious to prove myself, desiring to "nail" it and be awesome, overwhelmed... I keep going from feeling excited to work with 1st graders & grow my teaching skills to crying from being tired & overwhelmed. I am nervous about how both grade levels will feel about me and whether they will accept me. Now I'll be part of both teams and not full members of either one.

I know I will need to help the new kids make the adjustment to a new room, new teacher, new friends, and new routine as well as dealing with losing their loved teacher. I will need to help my K's understand the changes to our classroom & routines that we will now undergo. I will need to help my assistant by planning lessons, prepping materials, and helping her work with small groups & individual children. All the while, I will need to plan, plan, plan- lessons, materials, centers for two grades and I will need to think ahead and plan for all the routine, day-to-day procedures and little things that, if taught, make the day run smoothly. In a way, it will be like starting over. The problem here is that I have never taught this kind of combo grade class (though I have taught multi-age at-risk PreK, it's not the same), and I am inventing my routine, schedule, and procedures from scratch right as we speak.

I know we will all learn a lot this year- perhaps no one more than the teacher! I hope the kids and families will be patient with me.

No Matter What

Things at work are kind of in turmoil, and the last two days have been a roller coaster ride that I am not enjoying. I'd truly like to stay in my room & mind my own business which I try to do. It seems trouble just finds me. :) I'm struggling with my new class, and not enjoying school much at all right now. But no matter what-

From Mercy Me's album- Coming Up to Breathe-
Last One Standing

Don't you count me out 'cuz I've fallen down
I have landed down on my knees again
This is where I'll find the strength to carry on
This is where I'll find the strength to stand

I'm gonna be the last one standing
Fighting for something much bigger than me

The last one standing wants it more
Finding there's something worth fighting for.......

So, Rebekah Rose, you know those kids are worth fighting for- so fight the blues, fight the blahs, fight the tired, fight the stress, fight whatever you need to fight and fall on your knees and let God do the work in your own heart and keep on trying to be more like Him.

Good & Bad News

Okay, the good news first. No surgery!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I'm having some "leg involvement" in my back issues, but it's not too bad now and the surgeon doesn't feel the nerves are being pinched. So unless that issue would suddenly worsen, no surgery will help. That's great news!

Now the bad news- I have arthritis and degenerative disc disease, which just basically means my discs are starting to dry out and break down- proof that I'm getting older :). He feels this is the source of the pain. Although there is some bulging of the discs, this dr. feels it is minor at this point. So I have to try some arthritis medicine for a month, which will also mean having to start taking stomach medicine too as I have issues with things like ibuprofen or aspirin.

Though I don't (REALLY, REALLY, REALLY) don't want to have surgery- that thought was positively making me almost hyperventilate today- I was hoping for some solution that would make this all go away. Arthritis is not going to just go away, barring God taking it away, which He could so do but hasn't chosen to as of yet.

BUT, I am very, very thankful for no surgery, and I am continuing to ask God to take away the rest of the symptoms and problems and help me start to feel better. I hope by the end of the week to be feeling better enough to go for a walk here or at the Y. But then again, I just remembered that Hurricane Hannah is predicted to hit by then, so maybe I'll just wait & see. But soon I will start up trying again. Oh, and one more good thing from this- one less bill I have to worry about (or more like three or four if I had surgery!).

Not Much to Say

I kind of have the "blahs." It's been a while since I felt this way, and I'm ready for them to go. They've been creeping in slowly over the past couple weeks, and all the sudden they jumped up and waved hello to me.

It's the end of the weekend and time to go back to work in the morning. I just finished typing up lesson plans, my weekly newsletter, a grade level assessment & agendas for this month's meetings, plus a few other things. So many things to do, and I'm still not done, but I'm calling it a night.

Tomorrow I go to the surgeon. I'm dreading yet another dr.'s visit. :( But I'm praying it goes well, and this dr. is not rude, does not blow me off, does not make me go through a million other tests or do anything too terribly painful. If I have to have surgery I hope it can be done quickly but also not cause me to miss much work. I'm scared if I tell the truth.

I know things will get better and they could be so very much worse. I am thankful that I can look to the hills and know where my help comes from. And I'm thankful for my parents who I talked to this weekend and who helped me by encouraging me, teasing me, and just loving me. I'm thankful for the wonderful family I have here in NC with me without whom my life would mean so very little.

The Kids Reminisce

This morning, while we were eating, Robert started taking us down memory lane. He said something positive about how dad helped him learn long division when he was struggling to understand the concept. It was so funny, because my memory of that was not a "positive, dad helping and Robert learning" kind of memory. The memory I have of those lessons is of a much more painful, frustrating, aggravating, blood-pressure raising experience by both parents and son.

The other day when I picked Barbara up from school, she asked me "Mom, was I a bad little kid?" When I asked her why she would ask/think that, she said one of her teachers was talking about how few times she had to spank her own children, and Barbara realized that she got lots more than that. We were talking about that today too. We all laughed about their growing up and the good & not-so-good memories, but even in the not-so-pleasant ones, they talked very positively about it. They seemed to realize that they weren't perfect, but really good kids and that we were trying to help them.

As we all talked, it made me realize that my kids seem to view their childhood & their parents in a positive light, well at least most of it, it seems. That made me feel so much better to know that they remember their growing up years as good & their parents as not horrible, child-beating, screaming, ranting & raving lunatics. :)

I positively, absolutely, with-everything-in-me ADORE my children!!!!!!!!

Fat People Have Feelings

It's not my week for shopping! Earlier this week, the greeter at Walmart stopped Barbara & me at the door and did everything but out & out accuse us of stealing. She was just about to call for "backup" when our cashier even came down and vouched for us, at which point she got all ugly on the cashier too. She very begrudgingly let us go, but made it clear she thought I was stealing something- where she thought it was hidden, I don't know! It was a very unpleasant experience. Rob met us at Walmart after I called him, and he went in, walked right up to the greeter and told her she should "be nice" and showed her my receipt and then complained to management about it.

But today, I left Save-a-Lot, where I always grocery shop, in tears. I am either not going shopping anymore and let Rob do it all or I am going to print a sign that I wear on my backside when I shop. I mean it- I've had it!!!!!

Today, as I stood there with my daughter unloading our groceries onto the belt, the customer behind us and her daughter were talking about something. The daughter started to go behind us out of the aisle, so I tried to scoot up as far as I could so she could get by. Now I should also say that this was a teen aged girl who was not exactly thin herself, she was certainly chubbier than my own daughter would even think of being- a "big girl" herself. She took one look at me (not a nice look either) and turned back around and said something to her mom and they both started laughing loudly! Then she went to her dad who was a couple aisles over talking to someone and said something at which he said, "Yeah, have you ever seen one THAT big???" The people standing there all started laughing hysterically and looking my way. That was bad enough, but then he comes down to his wife, both look at me, and he says really loudly "No girl, yours isn't that big, neither one of you, not anywhere near that big. Didn't know they could be that big." He's looking right at me now. Again, this got big laughs from his wife, daughter, and all the other shoppers standing around. I was so embarrassed. I thought of some things I could have said, like "I'm fat, not deaf." or "Lard a---- people have feelings you know." or "Just because my a--- is big, doesn't mean I can't hear you or that I'm so stupid I don't know what you're talking about." It was humiliating!!!!!

I seriously want to rent a billboard, put pictures of HUGE people like me on it, and the words "Fat people have feelings too." Oh, it just hurts. I know I did this to myself, and I deserve it, but still. I would never do that to anyone.

First Days & Backaches

Made it through another "first day" of school. It was a rather stressful and eventful morning in my classroom with some screaming, hitting, kicking, and punching, but it will get better I know. I left today hunched over and trying to stand up straight and HURTING!!!!!!!!!!! I broke down and called the dr. to ask for something to help me make it until I see someone else... yeah, that didn't go so well. I have to just be tough and "be patient" until I can get an appointment with the neurosurgeon. I'm so sick of dr.'s visits, tests, and waiting, but I'm trying my best to be patient. Mostly I just want to feel good and be done with all these aforementioned items and the bills that come with them.

Signing off for tonight, this is one pooped K teacher,
Rebekah :)

God is so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the eve of another BIG medical appointment, with yet another new doctor, I'm not too terribly nervous, but I am dreading tomorrow. That combined with more work than I can get done in time for the first day of school and missing a big chunk of tomorrow's work day is not helping me any.

But of all places, God showed me a scripture on Facebook tonight as I did a quick check to see if I could raise my sister on there- I can't hardly believe it! This was just what I needed. I may not have caught my sister online, but I did find God. :)

Psalm 94:18 & 19 "When I thought, 'My foot slips,' Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul."