the short bus

my sister brought me a book to read when she was here for B's graduation- The Short Bus. i thought it would be interesting, and i was curious to read it as i'm always joking about how i'm "special" or how i ride the short bus to school still, and my personal favorite is that when it's my time to go, God will be sending the short bus to heaven for me, that He even has an IEP written for me... i truthfully don't feel "normal" in any way- not as a teacher, not as a mom, not as a human, and certainly not as a Christ-follower- and i truly believe that there are some things that are not quite right in my head. now don't take me the wrong way, i'm actually growing in my being okay with that, it's just part of who i am now, and i think it actually makes me a better teacher and maybe, hopefully a better person if i don't have a big head about myself.

well, i just finished reading the book a few minutes ago. this book was very interesting for me to read as a teacher and was definitely thought provoking. this book, once again reminded me of the influence schools have and the power (for good or evil) teachers have in a child's life. it's amazing, the power of the words and actions teachers have over a student's life and future outcome. i am not sure that all of us teachers really understand and realize how powerful we can be. i work hard to instill only positive into the lives of the children i teach no matter how they are labeled or not. i hope that i continue to view each of my children as special (but not in that put-down kind of way) as i think we are all special in some way or another and that i never just see a child's problem, label, disability, or condition and stop there. i think each of us have our strengths and yes, weaknesses. everyone has something they are particularly good at, love to do more than anything, excel in and something else we are not so hot at, loathe, can't understand, or are disabled in/at...

when i was a young student, i was better at reading and spelling, but horrible at math and handwriting especially. i remember spending most of 2nd grade inside at recess time doing math, looking up words in the dictionary, or practicing the formation of my cursive letters. my teacher made me write those stupid letters over and over and over. i don't know if i told my parents how much i missed recess or not- i remember being embarrassed and feeling dumb and hating my teacher. i know i was also being stubborn about some things too, but that "dumb" feeling followed me for years, and it wasn't until 8th grade that i truly began to "get it" that i was actually pretty smart.

the key for me, as a teacher, is to help kids find their strengths, maximize them, develop them, nurture them and use them and to help them to grow as a human being, learn "tricks" or strategies to help them in those areas where they are weaker or struggle, to encourage them to not let the individual disabilities we each have in some area or other to hold them back from anything in life.

there was this thought in the book that i just can't get out of my mind.

"Maybe the human experience is like a split tree trunk, the tree incorporating a moment of violence and trauma and growing around it. We all have damaged selves in some way, and the question is: Do you put yourself back together holding on to that flickering image of the ideal self, or do you let that go and see yourself for what you are- damaged, with other parts of stronger for it? I don't think we can ever be anything other than imperfect shadows of some impossible ideal."

from The Short Bus by Jonathan Mooney:

well, i agree with that idea sooooo much. i think that picture makes sense in my life. events happened in my life. they "damaged" me in ways that will never heal. i am, in fact, "special." but perhaps, just maybe, i grew around that pain and became a different person, maybe even a better person for it. maybe, rebekah rose thomas, i should quit putting myself down and embrace who i am, a very imperfect person, an obese and ugly lady, but a child of God, and one with a lot of love to give, a lot of joy to pour into the lives of children and adults, someone who can laugh at herself and take herself lightly enough to not get big-headed, someone who wants to help others. maybe, just maybe i am a better person than i would have ever been had that "damage" not happened.

and as for that last line, whether the author knows it or not, it is SOOOO true- we can never be anything other than an imperfect being trying to reach the ultimate goal of Christ's perfect ideal. only upon the final arrival will i ever be perfect, and i need to quit beating the crap out of myself mentally, emotionally, and in any other way when i fail to be perfect.

yeah, i liked this book. a lot!

New Donors Choose Projects Went Live Last Night!

I'm so excited that my new projects went "live" last night on Donors Choose, and Rob has two new ones for his new school too.

If you know of anyone who would be interested and willing to give a little to a great group of children, and their somewhat silly, but utterly devoted teachers- would you please pass our sites on? Anyone can give any amount- even $1. The great thing about Rob's grants is that the Gates Foundation is covering half of each of his if he can get donors for the other half. If funded, he can get a laptop computer for his students to use in the classroom for research, project presentations and such for just over $300, and an LCD projector to use in class also for just over $300!!!! That's AWESOME!!!! He will be teaching at an alternative middle school in the underprivileged part of the city, so these tools will be a big help and give his kids access to technology they might not otherwise have.

I broke up my bigger grant ideas into smaller ones so they'd have a better chance of getting funded. I often help partially fund my coworkers and some of Rob's and my own, but I can't do it all alone, especially with paycuts.

And, even more importantly, if you pray, would you send up a prayer or two that these projects will get funded for next year! That would be the best thing you can do!

Thanks so much!

Rebekah :)

Rob's projects:
Put It On the Wall- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288165&verify=-2138368187&zone=0 (an LCD projector)
Bringing Technology To the Past & the Classroom- (a classroom laptop computer) http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=287639&verify=1054880055&zone=0

My projects:
Science is Amazing!- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288728 (science materials)
Read, Play & Learn- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288681 (puppet theater and puppets to go with literature I use in class)
Give Us an Ear- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288692 (a wheeled station for my tape player & headphones and books/tapes)
Life is Beautiful- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288721 (an incubator and butterfly kit to teach children about how animals grow, change, hatch and about the beauty and fragility of life)
Positively Puzzling- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288701 (a puzzle station)
Read, Play, & Learn Some More- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288696 (more puppets to go with classroom literature)
We Love Puzzles- http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=288704 (more puzzles)

Fathers' Day

Happy Fathers' Day must be said today to the fathers in my life:

God-
Happy Fathers' Day God! As I grow up more, I am learning more and more to put You first and keep You first. I know I fail at this a lot, but You constantly amaze me with your perfect love and unending patience with me and all humanity. Thank You for being a father that never leaves us, that never fails us, who never gives up on His children or throws in the towel and walks away. Thank You for the example You leave us in Your short life on earth, in Your scripture, and in the way You just love us so simply and yet extravagantly. Without Your fatherly love and perfect example, how would any of us ever learn to love too? I know it's just an earthly day that we've set aside to celebrate fathers, but I want to celebrate You too if that's okay. I can't express my love to the fathers in my life and not remember the most important father of all- You! Happy Fathers' Day, God! I love You and want to please You more than anything in the world!

Rob-
Twenty-two years ago on Fathers' Day Rob and I met at church. And then we dated, fell in love, married, and well, the rest as they say "is history." Though, I know he won't read this, Rob, you are a wonderful dad. Thank you for our family and the life we have lived together for almost 21 years. There are many things I would love to "undo" in my life, but marrying you and having the family we have would never be one of them!!!!

Pop-
Pop, like Rob, won't read this, but thank you Pop for taking Momma and Jessica and me into your hearts, for loving me when I didn't want to be, for sticking through the "uglies" with me and being my father. Thank you for being a dad to my husband too and for being the only grandfather (and a darn good one at that!!!) my kids would ever know. PaPa is such a wonderful word in our home because of you!!!!

Daddy-
Happy Fathers' Day to a daddy in heaven too. You will always be loved and missed. I hope, somehow, you can see down on us from time to time and see how we turned out and that it brings a smile to your face, joy to your heart, and laughter into your day up there!

With all my love,
Rebekah :)

Lonely

I want to write, for myself only, that I am feeling a little lonely- outside of my family. I know that to sit and dwell on it would be a pity-party, and I so don't want to do that. But I also need to say it to myself and quit denying it, because that won't make it go away either. I am so very grateful for God's unending love; without Him, I don't have a clue where I'd be or what kind of person I'd be. I am sure it wouldn't be good!!!

I am so very in love with and thankful for my family. Without them I would be a miserable person and utterly lonely. It's just that I look around and listen and see all the people at work who hang out together, go out for drinks or clubbing or eat out together or who have young kids and socialize together.... then I think I have friends at church, but I really don't. I know I could confide in several ladies at church if I needed to, but a true friend- no. No one needs me as their friend or wants to confide in me or needs me to support them. I have tried when I could or knew of a need. Some of them have told me how important our family is.... blah, blah, blah- but it just isn't true. If I dropped off the face of the earth, no one there would really notice. They'd miss Rob and his guitar playing in the band; they might miss the nursery workers that Barbara & I are (but that would be replaced)...

I don't know if it is something I do wrong, or if I just put people off or what. I remember what my momma said about "be a friend to have a friend." Well, I want to be a friend so bad- I try, I really do. I have a strong need to be needed by others- probably why I am good with the kinds of kids I work with. I will just keep trying and reaching out; it just hurts when you look around and see other couples who do things together, and you have no one who wants to be your friend or have your company.

Then I remember my parents, my husband and children, and most important of all God. As long as I please God, do my job to His satisfaction, continue to be a parent who points her children to God, am a good wife to my husband and a daughter to my parents, nothing else really, truly matters to me. I just am lonely and wish I had a friend here in NC is all.

It'll be better tomorrow I know, or the next day. I hope I don't sound whiny to anyone who might read this. I just needed to get this off my chest, as it were.

What a Day!

Last workday of the year- well official one anyway. Found out this morning that I am moving classrooms to a different building, so I will be working hard all week to get things cleaned out, packed up, moved over and put away in the new room behind the teacher who is moving out of that room.

I came home, rode our exercise bike (now labeled with a Sharpie, "the Y" as we had to drop our membership due to $) and wrote 7!!! Donors Choose grants tonight. I will post them on here when they get approved by the DC staff. I'm excited and hope they get funded- all of them are under $150- several close to the $100 minimum DC requires, so please pray I can get them funded. Rob has written several more for his new school too, so please pray for his too. :) Thanks! If each of them get funded, I would be able to order books, literacy props (puppets and prop sets to go with the books), a tabletop puppet theater, a listening station with wheels that would be perfect for my kids to use, a puzzle box and several multicultural puzzles, a bunch of hands-on science stuff: butterfly & frog habitat kits, a see through plant box and well, lots of other neat stuff, and an incubator (yeah, if I get it, I'm going to be brave and try the chicks again). If you want to know what happened the last time I did the chicks, well read here and here and here, but don't read it unless you want to cry- well, maybe. :)

One of Barbara's friends, Rita, came over tonight and hung out with the kids. Barbara brought home our big bucket of legos today (I keep it at school now that they are so old and grown up). She and Matthew and Rita all played with legos and built some cool stuff. Kind of neat- it made me smile!!!! Then the girls watched The Little Princess- OH, I love that movie!!! Then I took the kids to World Market; while they walked around and just looked at stuff, I sat in my car and read a book- a long way gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier.

Tomorrow this computer will go back to Rob's high school as he says his final goodbyes there and leaves. :( I'm sad for him, but know God is in control and He must have some awesome things in store for my husband. Still I've been on the end of a pink slip before, and I know how hard it is to leave when you don't want to. My computer hasn't come back from the computer hospital yet, so until then, I'll be incognito or if something exciting happens, I'll run up to the library to blog. Until then, I'll be doing summer school starting this Friday, reading, and enjoying less stress and looking forward to some vacation away from a full work schedule.

Last thing I promise! I found this wonderful young lady's blog a long time ago- followed her story and then started occasionally commenting, anyway- she's a really neat person. God worked a big miracle and blessing in her life recently. If you want to see His work, go read her blog here.

Love to all!
Rebekah :)

A Brother's Love

I just had to quickly write that Robert made us so proud this afternoon. It made Rob & I both cry a little more than we already have in the past 12 hours. :)

Robert attends a different church than we do; Matthew also goes there on Friday nights for youth group and Barbara does too sometimes. I do want to say how much Rob & I adore the youth leaders at this church. They truly have taken our kids in and love them all very much, and it shows. They will never know how much their love of our children means to us. His church youth group was having a graduation cookout for their two graduates at the park down the road from here. He stopped by the house on his way there with a couple friends from church to get some foil and a game. He invited his sister to join them since she was also a graduate and she was feeling a little let down from yesterday. I know it's mushy-gushy of me to say it, but "awwww..." (tears....)

Rob & I both complimented him on how thoughtful and kind and just mature that was of him to think of her feelings from last night and think to include her... he, of course, just shrugged it off as nothing big. :) I do love that kid, child, ummmm, young man of ours!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes Your Best...

I think I am PMS'ing pretty bad. Since my surgery where part of the plumbing was removed, I don't always know, but this time I do. Must be part of why my emotions are so churned up these past few days. Still, I'm reflecting on some things, and just need to write them down to help. Sorry if you came along for the ride; I'll pause this crazy train so you can get off now. :) See you on the next ride. :) If you do stick with me, there is a "moral" to my story at the end that I learned from it all.

So what's bugging me exactly, Rebekah Rose?

• This graduation didn't go exactly like I had envisioned. S moved out on the same day and wasn't talking much to any of us, so it felt like she was mad at us or hurt or something. She refused our help with moving her things out to the truck she had arranged. By the time she left it just felt "icy." She wouldn't talk to us, wouldn't eat with us, wouldn't sit in the same room with us.... What did I do wrong? I tried my best to be good to her- no, I wasn't perfect. I blew up and lost my temper a couple times when she and the other kids didn't do their chores or help out around the house and left everything or most of it to me. But I also bought her almost anything she asked for- special food, a few clothing things, personal care stuff, gave her $ for things she needed if I had it... I just am left feeling like my best just wasn't good enough. My brother-in-law, Scott, said something to me that didn't really hit me until Friday/Saturday. "Sometimes you do the right thing but it doesn't always turn out right." When he said it, I thought, "Yeah, that's true." But it really started to sink in later this week. I know that we did the right thing on this one, but it just didn't turn out the way I envisioned. That doesn't mean it's my fault or that I necessarily did anything wrong. I always take the blame for everything, and that's wrong. I am not responsible for anyone but me and the raising of my children and the teaching of my students. But I am not responsible for other's actions, and I have to get this or I am going to keep being a mental case.
• Money- I overspent, I guess, this past week on food/decorations (really food) for the graduation party here, and on things for K graduation/1st awards, ice cream party, gifts for a few kids at work... Now we're going to run out this month. I shouldn't have bought the stuff, but I really felt led to buy the Bible for one kid and something that would remind the other one of God's love when he is in a bad place. I could have not done for Barbara, but that wouldn't have been right after giving Robert a party, and it wasn't a ton that I did- tablecloths, recycled the yard sign from last year, didn't do balloons this year, most of the expense was in food. I don't know how we're going to make it through this summer with Rob's final paycut in his check and me not making any income... I know it's called "trust" or "faith" but I've never been too good at that spiritual trait. I just know that I am on my knees at God's feet telling Him that we are a little in trouble, and would He please come to our rescue somehow. He always has, and I know He will, just don't see the path yet.
• My work- I am mostly just tired, and I wonder if this isn't a bit of the famous "burned out" feeling. I am drained emotionally, physically, mentally. It's not the kids that get to me, but the morale at our school is through the floor awful, the gossiping and talking about other teachers, the lack of support most of us feel, the lack of leadership it seems we have.... I don't want to leave the children, but I need a change of some kind. I put my name on the transfer list and asked God if it was His will to open a door for me. The county put out a hiring freeze, so I guess the door isn't going to open. I want to know what I'm teaching next year and where I'm going to be located, but it would seem I may not get to know that for sure until August when it's time to go back. So I have to semi-prepare for the possibility of x, y, or z and just hang. I have given myself a summer assignment to somehow accomplish- learn how to not care about other's opinions or what people say/do. That is an almost impossible task. I have to get better at sticking to my motto that I made for myself this year- "At the end of the day when I get into my car, the only thing that matters is this- 'Did I please God today? Did I do right by my children? Did I do right by the people in my classroom?'" If the answer to those questions is "Yes!" then I have to be happy with that and let the rest go.
• Before I write this, I want to put in this "disclaimer"- I don't have perfect children & have never claimed to. So if you know me personally, please know this is for me only to just reflect on things. I'm not talking bad about my child or saying anyone is horrible. My kids are great kids who are normal and very imperfect at moments just like everyone. Boy did I miss my Barbara Rose this week. It was nice to have a quieter house for sure at times, but it was too quiet at times too. :) I looked forward to picking her up on Friday night at RDU after her first adventure flying, thanks to her aunt & uncle blessing her for graduation with a surprise trip home to see grandma and grandpa and "home." I messed up and forgot to order her graduation cake with all the craziness that was this week. I felt so bad and so guilty I cried myself to sleep Friday night. I know it was just a stupid cake, but that's who I am. Then Saturday morning I got a boat load of attitude so bad that I quickly quit feeling guilty about just having ice cream cake instead. So I guess at least that was good. I overcooked, intentionally; I am like my Momma that way- better to have leftovers the next day than not enough food for your guests and be embarrassed and scrambling to fix more. I also knew that not all of those invited would be able to come, but I thought more would than we'd heard from. It bothered me how few came, but I thought I was just being my PMS'y self so didn't say much. Found out at the end of the day that it had bothered Rob too. But when Barbara went to bed, I could tell she was trying not to cry. When we talked, she did cry and said how she felt bad that I had spent so much money and so few had come.... Then she just killed me because she bawled and said, "Mom, they forgot me." Of all her friends, only two could come- the rest all had other things or reasons or just didn't come. Only a couple coworkers of mine and a couple families from church came. I know it was just a busy weekend, and it wasn't personal, but it hurt to watch my daughter cry because she felt bad about our $ and because she just felt bad. It stinks to see your child hurt and know you can't fix it or do anything to lessen it. It stinks to know your child knows you don't have much $. Man, do I love that child, even though she thoroughly ticked me off earlier in the day. And, I did talk to her about that too for sure. We'll see if things improve on her attitude.

This has me thinking about God too. I saw in an infinitely tiny way how He must feel about us. He has prepared this wonderful meal, a great feast and then He sent His own kid out to invite us to all join, but only a few came. So He sent out more reminders, more invitations, went even further out to invite strangers to join Him in celebrating His kid and all His accomplishments. Why did He do that? Because He loved His son so much and through His son, He loved all of us enough to invite us into His home. Still so few came. Though God is thrilled for the guests who came and so very happy to have them in His home and enjoying His buffet, He is saddened by those who didn't join for whatever reason.

God, forgive me for all the times I have ignored Your invitation, for the times I fall short and "miss" Your blessings and the wonderful things You prepared for me. Help me to not do this so much.

Okay, I'm leaving for church now. Thanks God for loving me. Please help my emotions to swing back in their normal, happier frame of mind because I don't much care for this side of the swingset. :)

Out of Touch for a while

I know there are just a few people who visit here and want to hear from me, but in case you miss me, I wanted to let you know I promise I'll be back. My computer died yesterday. I can use Rob's work computer for a few more days until he has to give it back at the end of his employment at that school. We'll be without an internet-ready computer for a week or two until mine comes back from the "shop" wherever that is. Praying it is reparable and that everything that is wrong with it is covered under the extended warranty I bought on the thing. I may pop in at the library to check in.

I'll be checking in with you, Ruhiyyih, to hear your news and watch your adventure as you move back home.

It's funny how dependent on the computer I've become- to do my work, to facebook, to relax and journal... This will be a neat test for me. :)

Other than the craziness of the end of year stuff, life is all normal and good. I have K graduation in the morning for my kinders followed by a class "reception" (cookies and punch for the kids and families). Then one of the K teachers invited us to join the rest of the K teachers & kids in their "water day" so we'll be playing outside the rest of the day- water games, playground, watermelon relay... and ending our day with an ice cream party. I'll have to say goodbye to one student tomorrow and a former student too.

Monday, our 1st graders will have their awards assembly and we'll have another "reception" in the classroom followed by a class picnic outside. Plan to do a board game rotation in the morning plus story time of course, and in the afternoon play some extra fun outside games and let the kids do one last round of shaving cream fun on the tables before we part. That day will be a tear-jerker for me. I always give my heart away so easily, and it always comes back to kick me in the rear, but I couldn't do it any other way. So I'll once again put on the shades, grab some tissues, hug each kid at least three or four times, put them on the bus, and step back away from the teachers cheering to cry as they leave. I'm such a sap! :)

Well, I need to go get all these cookies, punch, cups, bowls, ice cream...... My last shopping trip for school, and the last big expense for the 2008-2009 school year! Then my summer school session, and just a few more weeks I can relax and enjoy a few weeks of summer vacation before starting all over again!

Roller Coaster Emotions

What a wonderful weekend. The girls graduated from high school! I couldn't be more proud of my girl, and I am so proud of S for graduating too.

I am staying as numb as I can, because when the feelings come they're going to come hard. To say I hate goodbyes is an understatement. And this weekend there were some really hard goodbyes. :(

I'm feeling very sad to have to watch family leave me and go back home. S's leaving for her dad's was a bundle of emotions I can't even discuss. Most of all I feel as if I/we let her down or hurt her somehow, and that upsets me too. I just hope and pray she will heal and find Jesus in a way she never has.

And now the house is SOOOOO quiet after all the people have left. I guess after all the busy-ness of the weekend, preparing for company, cooking like a crazy woman for a crowd that didn't materialize, the up & down emotions... well I'm feeling a bit of a let-down and am sooo tired too, which never helps.

A week & two days of this school year, then a couple days to get my classroom in order and then I start a short summer school session. I hope this time goes fast so I can maybe have some time off for me. I'm looking forward to reading time and more time with my family.

Night!

Barbara's Graduation

Today was another wonderful day for our family. We missed the ones who couldn't be here a lot, but we are too blessed to wallow in self-pity. So for the two grandmothers and anyone else who would like to see, here is our Barbara Rose at her high school graduation!

Barbara graduated Cum Laude. She wore a yellow honors stole for the National Honor Society. She had a cord & medallion for the Beta Club- another honor society. And she wore her white IB stole as an IB candidate (we will know in the summer if she passed her IB exams...)


Dad stood behind being silly as always. :) Robert is there in the background with friends and the youth leaders from his church who came to graduation to be there for Barbara.

This is Vicki & Terry Wagner, a couple from our church, who came for us at the last minute when we found out my parents couldn't be here today. Though they could never and did not take their place, it was so nice to have Godly friends from church who would take time out of their day for our daughter!!!
This is Jenny, one of the youth leaders from Robert's church. They really love my kids; I just cannot say enough about these three leaders! They will never know until maybe when they are parents, how very much they mean to me!!! Oh, and I should say something about the silly teenage boys making faces and bunny ears behind the girls. Boys! :)

Barbara and Ms. Weinkle who taught both of the older two at Smith- a wonderful teacher who has become a friend. Scott and my sister are behind them- Scott is taking photos. :)

Our family

Thank you God for a beautiful day with good weather. Thank you for family who loves us dearly from so far away. Thank you for church friends who love us in You and would take time to come help us celebrate. Thank you for a wonderful teacher! For the laughter and smiles I see in the faces of my family that I love as I look at these photos- my husband & my children's smiles make me smile in a way no one else can. Thank you for this beautiful baby girl you gave to us so many years ago, who has grown into this beautiful young woman that I am ever so in love with and so very, very proud of! Thank you for a wonderful day for her, for helping her complete this chapter in her life and helping her as she opens the pages of the next one. Keep her ever in Your book and show her the wonder and beauty of the book you've written for her so that she will never want to put Your book down, but immerse herself in it all the days of her life.

I love you God for who You are, and I appreciate You for these many, many blessings and so much more than I could ever say.

With a heart brimming over with love and thanks,

Rebekah :)

Graduation is on the way...

Barbara will graduate in 9 hours, but hey, who's counting? :)

I took a personal day back when my momma and pop were still coming out, and I had already had the pay taken out for it, so I just left it alone. It was a busy day, but okay. I got more groceries for tomorrow, visited with my sister & brother-in-law, went to Hobby Lobby & Michael's with my sister and two older kids, made tomorrow's taco salad and dessert, got a bunch of small chores and laundry done...

I am so hurt and uptight with some things. My heart just aches. I look forward to seeing my baby girl graduate tomorrow. That will be so wonderful! It's going to be hard too though, knowing my daddy is not here to see it (he would have loved this kid of ours!). And I know it was so very, very hard on my momma & pop to not be here. I'm sad for momma & Barbara and for me. :( S is leaving for Ohio, I guess, tomorrow. I'm not sure. She's moved her stuff out today, and I guess she's upset with us, I don't know. It's been hard on her, I know. I hope she can move on and be happy and have peace and know God's love. That's all that really matters.

Well, that's it for tonight. Lots of pictures to follow in the next couple days for sure!

The Landslide'll Bring It Down

It's a long, complicated, and very private story.

So many emotions and thoughts...

I miss him so very much, and my momma too. I miss the family that I could have had and will never really be able to know. I miss the family my children could have had and never will now. I miss what could have been.

"I took my love, and I took it down. I climbed a mountain & I turned around. I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, till the landslide brought me down. Mirror in the sky what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know. Well I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older. I'm getting older too. So take this love, take it down. If you climb a mountain and you turn around. If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills, well the landslide'll bring it down."

His Still Small Voice

It is absolutely amazing to me how God uses music to minister to me. I understand and relate to King Saul and the way David's harp playing could soothe his savage spirit. I am very much the same. It just takes some peace & quiet, some music, and the next thing you know I am wide open & God starts to speak to my heart about things, to minister to me. I find God more often in music than I can say- in church of course, but in my car just as often, if not more.

This week, God has been there speaking to me, and for that Father, I am so very grateful. Thankful that You were there in the car Friday night with Rob & I as we drove around listening to Chris Tomlin's work and I cried and snotted my way through three or four songs. Thankful that you were there in the back row of our church today gently nudging me through the lyrics, speaking to my heart, letting me know it's okay and You're so very much in control of this crazy world and my crazy life.

You were there today from the first song to the last.

You were there when I wondered, what exactly does this "Hosanna" that we sing about all the time in church even really mean and You prompted me to look it up when I got home. Wow, it means, "save now or please save..." You knew I needed to know that today. And that was just the beginning.

You were there when the song sang about going "where you lead I'll follow..." I have Lord. I have. I left it all- my family, Father, my family- and everything and everyone I knew or have ever known- and there will never be any going back will there? I know it's not the same by any means as what You gave up, but will my small to You, but huge to me, sacrifice mean anything, will it be counted for anything, will it accomplish anything, will You help me when it's hard and I'm lonely and sad???

You were there when the song said "Savior, You can move the mountain. You are mighty to save..." You knew I had emailed someone last night to ask them to pray about a mountain in our lives that needs to be moved. It is so interesting that You led me to use that word last night, that You had this song in church today.

You were there in that song that so says how I feel and yet so shows how You care that You would take time to impress someone who chose the music for this week to choose these particular songs- songs I have sung many other times and been blessed by and praised You with and enjoy on a regular basis, but maybe never like I did today- "...Still You take time for me, I can't understand..."

You, the God of all the world, the God who spoke this entire universe, world, sky, sun, moon, stars, creatures aplenty- everything I can ever behold- You, who created me inside my mother, knew me before even she did, who made me the person I am, created me to be a freckly, child-adoring, easy-to-cry, and easy-to-give-my-heart away kind of person, who made me to be a softy, a bit gullible- You who knew what my life would bring and how those events would shape me even more into a person You would somehow, for some reason want to use for Your purposes...

You are here. Hosanna, please save me Father. I am just a sinful child who loves You so, but messes everything up. I know You are here and that You love me more than I can ever fathom. I thank You for teaching me things I need to learn and for the gift of music through which You best speak to me.

I love you God.

Kittens

Well, we have kittens. I'm not thrilled about it- the feeding & expense is a small worry right now for me, and I hope we can find them all homes. And I had been silently worrying about the momma cat as she is just barely not a kitten herself and so small. She looked very odd walking around the past few days.

But, how can I not share this photo? They are so cute, and life is precious- even in animal form. We had our cat fixed hoping to prevent this, but we were obviously too late. Oh well, for a little while we'll get to enjoy the fun of kitten-hood again.

And, if you know us and live near us- Want a kitten? :)

Senior Awards Night 2009

Without further ado, presenting Senior Awards Night at Ben L. Smith.......

Processional

Receiving her IB stole with her other IB classmates from the principal.

Our soon to be high school graduate :)

Making faces at her daddy to the side

Like father, like daughter

My baby girl & I- and WOW, a picture of me that I don't totally hate- it's not great, but okay, I'll post it for remembrance's sake :)

the girls with Dr. Rogers, principal of Smith

Barbara and her friend and IB classmate, Dunamis

Barbara and Shaleesa

the girls with Ms. Weinkle, one of this family's favorite-est teachers EVER!!! And that vote includes Rob & I. She has been both the older kids' teacher, and amazingly, she still likes our family, thinks a lot of our kids, and even Rob & me. :) :) :)

So there you have it folks, another Senior Awards Night done. Graduation in 9 days!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness.

Tonight was Senior Awards Night for the class of '09 at Ben L. Smith High.

I want to blog more but I need to go try to get a little sleep so I'll save photos of my baby girl in her cap & gown for tomorrow night. If the grandmas & aunt are reading, I will get them up tomorrow night.

a few photos

just some photos from this evening...
the kids playing badmitton, a flower or two, and a couple new photos of the house since we finished putting up our wall things & photos...

it's memorial day

thinking of my daddy, a wounded vietnam vet

and of my cousin & her hubby who was critically wounded in afghanistan

and of my grandfather who fought in world war II

what a sacrifice so many men and women, wives, children, families have had to make so we could be here with all the freedoms that i sometimes forget to truly appreciate

God, help me to truly understand and appreciate and not take for granted the myriad blessings i have been given...

Love Is Not a Noun

I was listening to a song on the radio on my way home the other day (don't ask me which one as my middle-aged brain can't remember now!), but it was about love... I had a "moment" of smartness- write it down- it won't happen again for a while. Sis, this borders on deep for me probably, so I hope you're impressed if you read. ;)

Ready? Drum roll please..... tadum, tadum, tadum, tadum...............

So here it is- real love- the kind that lasts and sticks throughout life- is not a noun, it is a verb. People are always talking about "falling in love," in songs, poetry, on t.v., in real life... That kind of love is a noun. It's more about the good feelings that person gives us, being with them makes us feel, joy, happiness, good- all wonderful things. It's more about you and how you feel, it's a state of being (a noun) like happiness or misery.

But real love, the kind that lasts a lifetime (whether in a marriage or in a family or just in friendships) is a verb. Sometimes you have to "love" people through your actions even when your feelings don't match it, your will doesn't want to. That is true love- the kind that sticks with your husband even when you don't feel the mushy-gushy feelings anymore, the kind that does good for people even when you don't want to because you're angry at them or they might not "deserve" it... Love is not based on feelings. Jesus proved this- He loved us so much, He laid down his life. I'm sure His feelings were terror, fear, anger at having to make such a big sacrifice for people who wouldn't even appreciate or accept His gift, worry, sorrow, sadness... But, in the end, He did love us (verb) in the ultimate way. He wasn't just "in love" with us- thank God. That kind of love might have lasted a short time- especially with me! :)

I have such struggles with this, and am, actually dealing with this right now with somethings. I feel like a horrible person, a rotten sinner, and a hypocrite when my feelings (nouns) don't match what my actions do (verbs), or when I don't "feel" the love (noun). I am going to have to try to remember that my feelings are just something I can't control- they come & go and really depend on my sleep (or lack of) & what other stresses are going on at the time, and they don't condemn me to the pits of hell. It's just what I do with those feelings. I will choose to love, even if I don't feel it yet. I know I will.

Grrrrrrr.....

Hey God,

It's me, the crazy child of yours, who is also just grouchy today. I don't know why except that I'm just tired and didn't get to sleep in this morning, but that's no good reason at all. I am sorry to say that I've just been irritable, irritated over stupid things that I have no business being irritated about, and I'm very sure, irritating to the four kids in my house today.

I should be happy about some things. I should be relieved that some things were taken care of today without me having to make it be. I should be, really should be, but I'm not. I find myself just gripey, and oh, how I hate when I get like that.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, Father, I don't want to be like this. Please will you help me? I really could use Your love, patience, joy, strength... before I blow up at someone for something really ridiculous and look like the total pyscho I feel right now.

Your crazy daughter, Rebekah :)