May I just say that teaching sure helps you be a packrat??? Or maybe packrats become teachers??? I'm not sure which way that goes, but one thing's for sure, having taught from preK to 5th grade and tutoring along the way, I've sure got a lot of STUFF!!!!
Ugh! I'm sick of my stuff! I've been going through everything here at the house and have pitched and pitched and pitched! I'm about to take the last of it over to the storage unit with Rob's help.
Next up is to go through all my teacher books and give away or pitch outdated stuff. I hardly have time to go through many of the books so I might as well find new homes for some of them. A few of them are ancient enough I'm sure to be okay saying goodbye too, but I HATE throwing away books. It's just hard, but I can't be a packrat anymore. There's no room at the new house and the storage unit can only hold so much stuff. :)
So, I'm going to shower, head out to the storage place, grab a few groceries to hold us over until payday (we're almost OD- YIKES!), and get back to work. I've still got to pitch, pitch, pitch, pitch.
I keep chanting my mantra in my head, "It will be worth it, so worth it..." I am getting really, really tired.
Only 4 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then the "real" work will begin!
Hopefully it won't take too long to feel like home to us. I'm feeling a bit emotional about the move, my kids growing up, and just missing home a little too. This house is the only place here in NC where I have any "family" memories. I know that will sound silly or maybe just plain crazy, but I feel like I'm about to be lonely again- the only connection in NC to my family back home- leaving this place with some wonderful memories of family time with the five of us, but also my family from "home" coming out here. Oh well, this is a HUGE-MONGOUS blessing happening to us, it will be wonderful & save us money, which we need desperately right now. And it won't be long before we start making new family memories in that house and my family is here to celebrate another graduation. I'm looking forward to making more memories in a home that is finally, truly "ours!" It's been a very long time coming, and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!
For right now, I'm trying to take one day at a time. Back to work I go!
Happy Saturday all!
Rebekah :)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Father Forgive Me
Father, I have sinned against someone, a stranger I met this afternoon, but who I have wronged in the past. This person does not know that I wronged them, but You do. And Father, I am terribly ashamed of myself and sorry for what I did. Thank You for helping me to get to know this one a tiny, tiny bit today. Thank You for using this person to teach me a lesson, and let me not forget it one little bit. Let me find a better way to serve this one. I want to be more like You.
With sorrow for my sin & thankfulness for Your grace and Your teaching,
Your Rebekah :)
With sorrow for my sin & thankfulness for Your grace and Your teaching,
Your Rebekah :)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Can We Say "Crazy???"
Okay, this is just a quick reflection for me to look back on in a month or so. Feel free to go along for the ride and, please, have a laugh at/with/for me if you will. I am planning to laugh at myself a bit now and a whole lot later!!! :)
My brain to myself today at 4:45 P.M. Eastern time (whatever time thing we're in now- Standard, Daylight Savings.... I can never keep track)...
Brain: "What in the world were you thinking?"
Self: "To what are you referring?"
Brain: "Are you completely nuts or trying to make me nuts with moving now?!?!?! Plus trying to help Barbara finish her college apps, write a letter of reference for another young person going to college. And then I'm trying to figure out how to make your silly class run more smoothly and help you manage the kids in centers better & you do a better job of what you do, with two grades in there to boot, and you want me to do all that on no sleep! I really must protest. Then you need me to figure out your taxes and do the kids' financial aid forms. Let alone trying to make big decisions such as do I update your resume? Do I think about next year and all that entails? Really, I think I'll go on strike!!!!"
Self: "I think you already have gone on strike. I can't remember anything anymore, can hardly keep track of the whereabouts of a single item in my room, can't get paperwork done on time, or remember where I'm going and which kid I'm picking up. My assistant thinks I'm crazy and the most disorganized person she's ever met! My room looks awful and there's piles everywhere in my room, my house... aaaaggghhhhh!"
Brain: "We've got to come to an understanding..."
Self: "Well, get ready because it's going to get worse."
Brain: "What!?!? How can it get worse?????"
Self: Because next week, interims are due at work, we'll close on the house, it's the end of the month so that will mean checkbook & bill time- both our personal favorites- plus Barbara has the big scholarship interview weekend thing at HPU. Then we'll be moving, cleaning, and emptying out this house... Then in March, baseball starts, and Rob will be working between the high school, the 'Hoppers, and the high school ball team ticket taking job. Robert will be working between the restaurant, the mall, and the 'Hoppers plus college. Barbara will have the Hoppers and school and preparing for all her IB & AP exams. Matthew may make the baseball team and have school and those games. Yeah, things are only going to become more crazy."
Brain: "That's it!!! I'm throwing in the towel now!"
:) Whew! Okay, now I'm ready to get back in the front room and back to work. It's all going to be worth it. It's so going to be worth it. I just hope I don't fall down dead from lack of sleep before then. :)
And, don't worry folks, this was all said with a big smile on my face. I have to make fun of me. Though I don't really argue with myself- well not quite that much anyway, and I don't hear "voices," I am starting to doubt my sanity.
But in all seriousness, I know I am very blessed to have a family that keeps me so busy, a house to be buying, a life to be living. And I am truly grateful, even if a little overwhelmed!!!
Happy Wednesday!
Rebekah :)
My brain to myself today at 4:45 P.M. Eastern time (whatever time thing we're in now- Standard, Daylight Savings.... I can never keep track)...
Brain: "What in the world were you thinking?"
Self: "To what are you referring?"
Brain: "Are you completely nuts or trying to make me nuts with moving now?!?!?! Plus trying to help Barbara finish her college apps, write a letter of reference for another young person going to college. And then I'm trying to figure out how to make your silly class run more smoothly and help you manage the kids in centers better & you do a better job of what you do, with two grades in there to boot, and you want me to do all that on no sleep! I really must protest. Then you need me to figure out your taxes and do the kids' financial aid forms. Let alone trying to make big decisions such as do I update your resume? Do I think about next year and all that entails? Really, I think I'll go on strike!!!!"
Self: "I think you already have gone on strike. I can't remember anything anymore, can hardly keep track of the whereabouts of a single item in my room, can't get paperwork done on time, or remember where I'm going and which kid I'm picking up. My assistant thinks I'm crazy and the most disorganized person she's ever met! My room looks awful and there's piles everywhere in my room, my house... aaaaggghhhhh!"
Brain: "We've got to come to an understanding..."
Self: "Well, get ready because it's going to get worse."
Brain: "What!?!? How can it get worse?????"
Self: Because next week, interims are due at work, we'll close on the house, it's the end of the month so that will mean checkbook & bill time- both our personal favorites- plus Barbara has the big scholarship interview weekend thing at HPU. Then we'll be moving, cleaning, and emptying out this house... Then in March, baseball starts, and Rob will be working between the high school, the 'Hoppers, and the high school ball team ticket taking job. Robert will be working between the restaurant, the mall, and the 'Hoppers plus college. Barbara will have the Hoppers and school and preparing for all her IB & AP exams. Matthew may make the baseball team and have school and those games. Yeah, things are only going to become more crazy."
Brain: "That's it!!! I'm throwing in the towel now!"
:) Whew! Okay, now I'm ready to get back in the front room and back to work. It's all going to be worth it. It's so going to be worth it. I just hope I don't fall down dead from lack of sleep before then. :)
And, don't worry folks, this was all said with a big smile on my face. I have to make fun of me. Though I don't really argue with myself- well not quite that much anyway, and I don't hear "voices," I am starting to doubt my sanity.
But in all seriousness, I know I am very blessed to have a family that keeps me so busy, a house to be buying, a life to be living. And I am truly grateful, even if a little overwhelmed!!!
Happy Wednesday!
Rebekah :)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Randomness
I'm
so
very
tired!
So consider yourself warned. :) Randomness ahead. :)
Today we signed paperwork for our new homeowner's policy! :) :) :) :) :) And, I came home and set the cancellation date and paid up our renters insurance policy through that date. :) :) :) :) So, the countdown has begun, and we are getting our "ducks in a row" or however that saying goes. ;) Only nine days until we have our own home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are going to put the curtain Barbara Rose bought for our bedroom window for Christmas in the new living room windows. Rob & I have to have our bedroom dark, and these curtains are very thin and sheer. They will look great in the living room at the new house. But there is only one window now and we'll need another set, so last week I found the same curtain on clearance at Wally-world. YEAH! :) So I've got that. I'm going to wash my momma's lace kitchen curtains out and put them up once again in my kitchen and laundry room. I've missed those curtains in this house, so I'm excited to have them up again! So I will do that this weekend. We have to buy our new doorknobs and dead bolt locks so that when they unlock the house we can get that changed right away. It is a HUD house (for nine more days) and apparently all the realtors in the area have a key to that house. YIKES! So we also have to do that this weekend.
I've got to find someone who can help me understand about this homebuyer tax credit thing (if you're reading and can help me out, please comment or email me). I don't know if I'm supposed to wait for the changes to go through or just do it. Either way, I've got to get that done so I can complete Barbara's financial aid application before we start moving.
I was hoping to not have to pay March rent and be out of here by the end of February, but I realized for some really simple reasons that this was another of God's blessings to me. Our spring bulbs are coming up rapidly now. (Did I tell you this already? I forget!) I have daffodils, hyacinths & crocus all close to blooming- crazy I know- it's only February 16th!!! If we'd moved this month, I'd have missed it, but now I'll get to enjoy them one more time! Plus, I have planted a fair amount of perennials over the last couple summers here. By the time mid-March rolls around it will be getting fairly warm, and I can probably risk digging up and transplanting a few at the new house- well maybe. And, God blessed me again! Robert's youth pastor, Dai, is a landscaper and he has offered to move my two Mothers' Day trees to the new house for me! Every time I thought about leaving those two tiny trees my kids got for me, I almost cried, but with March being warmer, they'll be able to move and probably have a good chance of surviving it! It's funny, but even in the little things, sometimes God gives you the tiniest, seemingly insignificant things when He knows they are important (even if silly) to you. Thanks God!
Matthew is trying out for baseball. If you're reading, please pray for him about this. He tried last year, and came close to making it, but just not quite. He REALLY REALLY REALLY wants this. I'm praying he makes it. It would do so much for his self-esteem, his confidence, it would just make him so happy.
Today I had my friend and "old" coworker, Kristen, come visit me for lunch. She ate as my "lunch buddy" with our old students, T & B. It was nice!!! Then tonight I heard from an "old" friend, Tanise, which made my day even if it did make me homesick.
I'm so thankful to God for blessing Robert with another part time job that will pay pretty good and seems like it's going to be a great opportunity for him as he finishes his training. It will provide him with a good amount of $ to start saving for a car which he'll need to get an electrical job when school is done.
Barbara had a great 18th birthday. It hit me last night as I was saying goodnight that this is probably her last birthday while she is "living" at home. Sure, she might not live on campus and stay here, but she thinks and strongly wants to live away from home and on campus. Sure, she'll come home next year and eat with us and spend time with us, but then she'll leave to go back to her apartment, dorm room... This was it, the "last" of her childhood birthdays. It was so nice and a little bittersweet. I didn't dwell on it or blubber, but I let myself cry for a couple minutes, then hugged my baby girl and went on.
I'm about to crash for the night. I'm starting to get to the walking exhausted & half asleep point once again. I've been dizzy & nauseous again. I hate insomnia. I dread going to bed once again because I know in about 3 hours I'll be awake again and spend the rest of the night tossing, turning, half awake... Ugh! But I'm so tired, I've got to try. :)
Well, I told you it was pure random. Sorry about that. Night God. Night all!
so
very
tired!
So consider yourself warned. :) Randomness ahead. :)
Today we signed paperwork for our new homeowner's policy! :) :) :) :) :) And, I came home and set the cancellation date and paid up our renters insurance policy through that date. :) :) :) :) So, the countdown has begun, and we are getting our "ducks in a row" or however that saying goes. ;) Only nine days until we have our own home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are going to put the curtain Barbara Rose bought for our bedroom window for Christmas in the new living room windows. Rob & I have to have our bedroom dark, and these curtains are very thin and sheer. They will look great in the living room at the new house. But there is only one window now and we'll need another set, so last week I found the same curtain on clearance at Wally-world. YEAH! :) So I've got that. I'm going to wash my momma's lace kitchen curtains out and put them up once again in my kitchen and laundry room. I've missed those curtains in this house, so I'm excited to have them up again! So I will do that this weekend. We have to buy our new doorknobs and dead bolt locks so that when they unlock the house we can get that changed right away. It is a HUD house (for nine more days) and apparently all the realtors in the area have a key to that house. YIKES! So we also have to do that this weekend.
I've got to find someone who can help me understand about this homebuyer tax credit thing (if you're reading and can help me out, please comment or email me). I don't know if I'm supposed to wait for the changes to go through or just do it. Either way, I've got to get that done so I can complete Barbara's financial aid application before we start moving.
I was hoping to not have to pay March rent and be out of here by the end of February, but I realized for some really simple reasons that this was another of God's blessings to me. Our spring bulbs are coming up rapidly now. (Did I tell you this already? I forget!) I have daffodils, hyacinths & crocus all close to blooming- crazy I know- it's only February 16th!!! If we'd moved this month, I'd have missed it, but now I'll get to enjoy them one more time! Plus, I have planted a fair amount of perennials over the last couple summers here. By the time mid-March rolls around it will be getting fairly warm, and I can probably risk digging up and transplanting a few at the new house- well maybe. And, God blessed me again! Robert's youth pastor, Dai, is a landscaper and he has offered to move my two Mothers' Day trees to the new house for me! Every time I thought about leaving those two tiny trees my kids got for me, I almost cried, but with March being warmer, they'll be able to move and probably have a good chance of surviving it! It's funny, but even in the little things, sometimes God gives you the tiniest, seemingly insignificant things when He knows they are important (even if silly) to you. Thanks God!
Matthew is trying out for baseball. If you're reading, please pray for him about this. He tried last year, and came close to making it, but just not quite. He REALLY REALLY REALLY wants this. I'm praying he makes it. It would do so much for his self-esteem, his confidence, it would just make him so happy.
Today I had my friend and "old" coworker, Kristen, come visit me for lunch. She ate as my "lunch buddy" with our old students, T & B. It was nice!!! Then tonight I heard from an "old" friend, Tanise, which made my day even if it did make me homesick.
I'm so thankful to God for blessing Robert with another part time job that will pay pretty good and seems like it's going to be a great opportunity for him as he finishes his training. It will provide him with a good amount of $ to start saving for a car which he'll need to get an electrical job when school is done.
Barbara had a great 18th birthday. It hit me last night as I was saying goodnight that this is probably her last birthday while she is "living" at home. Sure, she might not live on campus and stay here, but she thinks and strongly wants to live away from home and on campus. Sure, she'll come home next year and eat with us and spend time with us, but then she'll leave to go back to her apartment, dorm room... This was it, the "last" of her childhood birthdays. It was so nice and a little bittersweet. I didn't dwell on it or blubber, but I let myself cry for a couple minutes, then hugged my baby girl and went on.
I'm about to crash for the night. I'm starting to get to the walking exhausted & half asleep point once again. I've been dizzy & nauseous again. I hate insomnia. I dread going to bed once again because I know in about 3 hours I'll be awake again and spend the rest of the night tossing, turning, half awake... Ugh! But I'm so tired, I've got to try. :)
Well, I told you it was pure random. Sorry about that. Night God. Night all!
Friday, February 13, 2009
I am loved
Today my class surprised me with this "Jar of Joy." It made me cry! This is one of the nicest gifts I have EVER received as a teacher, and I will treasure it forever! You can read the letter that came in the jar below to see what this was all about. It was a bittersweet day, and I journaled more about it on my school blog. Many thanks to my lovely t.a, Elba, to my coworker/pal, Casey who just happens to be one of my "parents," and to the kids and their families for my BEAUTIFUL gift!!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Love Is...
Today a first grade teacher came to tell me a story. One that made me cry.
She has one of my kids from last year, O, who has for some reason stolen a piece of my heart. I LOVE that kid!!! Today she had them write about what love is. He apparently couldn't think of anything to write about. That is sad in so many ways to me. She reminded him that I loved him. She said that he wrote, "Love is Mrs. Thomas." & put a kiss there.
O, I do love you, and I always will, so much more than you'll ever know.
And to my teacher pal who shared this story with me, I love you too and thank you for sharing O with me and letting me know I'm still important to him. You're wonderful!!!!
She has one of my kids from last year, O, who has for some reason stolen a piece of my heart. I LOVE that kid!!! Today she had them write about what love is. He apparently couldn't think of anything to write about. That is sad in so many ways to me. She reminded him that I loved him. She said that he wrote, "Love is Mrs. Thomas." & put a kiss there.
O, I do love you, and I always will, so much more than you'll ever know.
And to my teacher pal who shared this story with me, I love you too and thank you for sharing O with me and letting me know I'm still important to him. You're wonderful!!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
100th Day Lesson for the Teacher
Today was the 100th day of school, which might not seem like much to most people, but when you're a Kinderkid of Fabulous 1st grader, it's a big deal! We've been learning about this special # and counting the days of school each day and, well lots of stuff. Today is a FUN day, one of my favorite! You can see lots of photos from today on my "teacher" blog. :)
I was feeling silly and took this photo of me in my 100th day hat that we all made this morning. Today was a lot of fun for us all. In the midst of all my fun learning & 100th Day activities I had planned for my kids, though there was a BIG, HUGE, GIGANTIC lesson for this teacher from the Teacher. And, yes, I paid attention to the "Teacher" as He showed me something in my "reader."
There have been some "issues" with getting my employer to verify my employment. I could write a whole entry on this mess, but it's better if I don't. :) I won't go into it all here. It doesn't really matter. I'll just say that Rob & I have been more than a little stressed, aggravated, irritated, MADDDDDDDD, and frustrated beyond words. It was going to mess up our closing, and I was concerned that the bank might not look favorably on the whole situation. It was finally resolved this morning, thank God, late but at least done!!!
Anyway, today at lunch, I sit down to read my Bible- didn't get to last week at lunch like I've been doing each day because my t.a. was out of town. I open up to where I left off, and what do my eyes see 1st thing? Luke 12: 22... The passage about not worrying. The part about life being more than food or clothes. The words that tell that God feeds the birds and clothes the flowers, and how we're so much more important to him than the ravens and lilies... The part that tells me to seek His kingdom and "these things" will be given to me. OH MY GOODNESS WOW I am sitting in my classroom doing His work, seeking His kingdom, so "these" things will be given to me.... These things might even include a silly house, dummy! :) Then I kept reading about where my treasure is...
The thing is, it's not like I've never read these words before, heard them in church, even pondered them. I know this scripture and what it means. I just needed that gentle reminder from the One who could do it best.
So, even in my public school classroom in the middle of the day, God can show up to remind me of something I needed to know right at that moment. I mean, really, I needed to be reminded of that lesson right then. It's amazing that God could give someone centuries ago these words to write down, and then hundreds upon hundreds of years later, He could use those words, show them to some not-too-bright teacher at the exact moment in time that she was needing a gentle word of encouragement. And just like God, it wasn't scolding. He wasn't disappointed in me or frustrated with me. He was just saying, "Hey kiddo, I've got this one. Don't worry about it. It will be okay."
God, thanks! Thanks for taking care of the need we had with the house loan. Thanks for a husband who can weather this one with me, for a marriage that can take a few unpleasant moments and go on, for a momma & pop who pray for us, for a momma that I can call when I need to, for a friend that I could call this morning when I was so upset. But most of all, thanks for Your word that was there today to gently (without any guilt at all) remind me that You are in control.
Thanks for today's 100th day lesson. It has to be at least the 100th time You've tried to teach me this one, huh? Maybe I've got it this time. Here's to hoping for Your sake I got it. :) I've got to be one of your more difficult students. ;)
Night God!
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Happy Saturday
What a busy-great day it was.
- Insomnia really, truly stinks, but since I was just lying in bed not sleeping, I got up and took Barbara Rose to her high school bright & early. She was happy to have her mommy take her. :) She went to cheer on the chess club members at a tournament.
- Came home, played on Facebook a bit.
- Planned this week's menu & grocery list (do this every week)
- Worked with Robert to clean up and straighten the frig & pantry. Poor guy, I took the better end of that job, and I didn't even apologize! :)
- Grocery running with Robert today since he was on call and not needed. He made my day when his response to no work was, "Yeah, now I can spend time with my mommy!" :) :) :) I was thrilled with this statement from my soon-to-be 19 year old with a beard!!!
- Charged (yeah, I know that's not the wisest) a leaf blower today. Matthew and I figured out how to assemble it and use it together. That was fun- no dad having to help me understand, just my baby & I working together to do that. Cool! Of course I should say I sucked up a stem that was too big and thought I broke it, so Rob had to come rescue me anyway, but we started out good. :) We worked on the front flower bed together, then he took over so I could come in and get to work on cooking. We have a list of things that have to be done here at this house before we vacate. The yard is on that list. Figured I could get an early start, and we'll need that power tool at the new house. I like this one because it has a bag and mulches the leaves up, so we can make our own mulch with the dead leaves!!!!
- A nice surprise awaited me today when I was out in the yard looking around and leaf blowing... we already have daffodils, crocus, & hyacinths coming up all over the yard and getting ready to bloom!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!! I had forgotten that I planted even the few that I had. What a nice surprise. I should get to enjoy these one more time before we move on.
- Barbara and I cooked our hearts out today. We cooked for a coworker. We also cooked for tomorrow's potluck at church. The guys all pitched in to help cook our supper. Here's everything we cooked: 2 pans of "fruit dessert"- for lack of a better name, but it's oh so yummy (graham crackers on bottom, vanilla pudding with cream cheese whipped in, topped with cool whip and then tons of fresh fruit- kiwi, pineapple, strawberries, and blueberries on top), dirty rice, big bowl of salad, pasta salad, two loaves of breads- pumpkin & cinnamon... I still have to get up and throw the cheesy potatoes in the crock pot tomorrow, but otherwise we're all ready. I would never have gotten that all done without my sweet daughter. She was such a cheerful worker and giving of her time this time around. It also made my day!!!!
- And the weather- though I LOVE rainy, stormy weather, and of course cheer for snow, today was in the 60's & sunny and just GORGEOUS!!! We had the back door open most of the afternoon and it was so nice. I can't wait to be in our new home with the great lighting in the kitchen having all these fun times together with the doors & windows letting the warm air in.... or sitting at my kitchen table watching it rain & lightning through the sliding doors in the kitchen... Spring is going to be extra especially WONDERFUL this year, and I'm going to be extra especially thankful for it all!!!!
- Kitchen is all cleaned up, food is being delivered by my sneaky family members for me. ;)
- I'm TIRED as I am having another round of insomnia for some reason, but I'm so glad I still accomplished that much. It's a good kind of tired. I'm going to try to do a little lesson planning now, maybe read a little, and go to bed, hopefully to sleep tonight. :)
- Tomorrow I'll get to hear one of the "Lost Boys" from Sudan share his story and photos of his 1st trip home to Sudan in over 20 years. I'm going to enjoy hearing his story and experiences.
Now that I sit here and make my list of today's stuff, I realize I did something small with each of my kids, each of them getting a little time from me, and me a little time with them. WOW!!! What a day! Thanks God!!!
Good night world! Good night God! I'm off to hang with my family and do lesson plans.
P.S. For those who might be reading and would like to know, we got our closing date- Friday, 2/27. We're trying to get it bumped up one day to the 26th as we have some other things going on that Friday, but either way, by the end of this month, we'll have the keys to our 1st home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It's been a long time coming, and though it still doesn't seem real, I can't wait!!! I'll have to blog more about this blessing another day.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
A Cold Night
I should start by saying that I think I have a sign. Homeless people just seem to come out of the woodwork wherever I go. It's like there' s a sign on my car that says "I'm a softy.." I don't know but I can't begin to name all the places I've been approached. I have been told that I shouldn't give money to those homeless who are begging on the corners or who come up to me in the gas station parking lot or Burger King or Wendy's or even on my own street. I've heard all the reasons, and I know they may even be right.
But, I can't ignore a person who is homeless. I can't. Somehow, when I see them, I just can't see Jesus (if he were right there in bodily form at that same moment as me) just rowing up his window, driving away, and ignoring them either. I really can't. I can't see Him judging them saying things about them just looking for work & getting a job or just being liars and worthless or thinking about how they might really live in a nicer home than He does.... I am sure he wouldn't buy them booze, but what would He have done, say tonight when I was approached at the gas station?
I really don't know. This I do know.
Luke 6:30 says, "Give to everyone who begs from you..." I was SURPRISED to read that last week!!! I've never heard that scripture before.
And of course, there's the good Samaritan. It says in Luke's version that the Samaritan "had compassion when he saw him... he took care of him..." and then Jesus tells his followers, "You, go and do likewise." I've lived my whole life in church hearing this story taught and preached. But, I never really heard this verse applied to the homeless, at least that I can remember. Who did the Samaritan help? A man who had been beaten and robbed. Isn't that what a homeless person is? How much more beaten down and robbed of any kind of decent life can you get than that?
God, I don't know why You would bless me with a good home at birth, Christian parents, a Christian family of my own, a job, a warm place to spend my winter nights, clothes to protect me from the cold, food, blankets aplenty... and why some others aren't blessed. I just can't begin to fathom this. I know it's not fair, and I'm on the blessed end of that. I'll leave that to You because I just will never understand it. All I can say is I am thankful, so very, deeply thankful for this warm home, and all that is in it tonight.
For tonight I'll just ask that You would be with Chris wherever he is now. Help him to find a warmer place out of the wind and the cold. Help him to be safe, to think about what I prayed with him tonight; help him to get to Urban Ministries and find out more about You. Put someone in his path who will pray with him again and again and again as long as it takes to help him find his way to You, to a better life. Keep him warm tonight God. It is cold outside.
Gratefully Yours,
Rebekah
But, I can't ignore a person who is homeless. I can't. Somehow, when I see them, I just can't see Jesus (if he were right there in bodily form at that same moment as me) just rowing up his window, driving away, and ignoring them either. I really can't. I can't see Him judging them saying things about them just looking for work & getting a job or just being liars and worthless or thinking about how they might really live in a nicer home than He does.... I am sure he wouldn't buy them booze, but what would He have done, say tonight when I was approached at the gas station?
I really don't know. This I do know.
Luke 6:30 says, "Give to everyone who begs from you..." I was SURPRISED to read that last week!!! I've never heard that scripture before.
And of course, there's the good Samaritan. It says in Luke's version that the Samaritan "had compassion when he saw him... he took care of him..." and then Jesus tells his followers, "You, go and do likewise." I've lived my whole life in church hearing this story taught and preached. But, I never really heard this verse applied to the homeless, at least that I can remember. Who did the Samaritan help? A man who had been beaten and robbed. Isn't that what a homeless person is? How much more beaten down and robbed of any kind of decent life can you get than that?
God, I don't know why You would bless me with a good home at birth, Christian parents, a Christian family of my own, a job, a warm place to spend my winter nights, clothes to protect me from the cold, food, blankets aplenty... and why some others aren't blessed. I just can't begin to fathom this. I know it's not fair, and I'm on the blessed end of that. I'll leave that to You because I just will never understand it. All I can say is I am thankful, so very, deeply thankful for this warm home, and all that is in it tonight.
For tonight I'll just ask that You would be with Chris wherever he is now. Help him to find a warmer place out of the wind and the cold. Help him to be safe, to think about what I prayed with him tonight; help him to get to Urban Ministries and find out more about You. Put someone in his path who will pray with him again and again and again as long as it takes to help him find his way to You, to a better life. Keep him warm tonight God. It is cold outside.
Gratefully Yours,
Rebekah
Sunday, February 01, 2009
God, let me please you
God, it's confession time. I might as well; You know it all already. You were speaking to me this morning in church, and I needed to get home and think this out here.
I am unhappy with myself, God. Yeah, I know- again? Right? :) So this isn't new, and when have I ever been happy with myself? But here we are again, and I'm starting to understand something about myself in a new way; something I have always known, but is driving me crazy once again. My self-worth, esteem, happiness... is wrapped up in everybody around me, those I love, those I serve, those I work with, those I know, even sometimes those I haven't seen in years but whose approval or love I want so desperately.... Whenever others are happy, I'm happy. When others are upset, I'm sad. When others are angry, I'm uptight and worried. When others are silent, I must be the reason. When others are mad, I must have done something.
Messed up, right? I know. You know. My whole immediate family knows, and who knows who else who knows me, knows it too. ;) I've been this way mostly all my life. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse, way worse. I'm so like a yo-yo on this. Did I ever tell you, by the way God, that I don't really like yo-yo's. Never could play with them, make them do neat tricks, or even get them to come back up/down more than once or twice. So I'd really like to be some other kind of object, toy, plaything, or creation, one that's a little more useful in my book. :) :) :)
Okay, back to serious- I've spent the last year or so worrying about things I couldn't change, until I ended up a nut-case in November, hearing a dr. say I'm going to kill myself with high blood pressure, a stroke, a heart attack, and having acid problems to the point I now wonder if I have an ulcer.... Though there is some medical problem, part of the problem is me and this life I've lived of being a people pleaser.
I'm trying to please everyone and feel like I end up pleasing few, and mostly making myself crazy- well, let's say crazier. I know it's not my job in life to please everyone, to solve everyone's problems, to be perfect and never let anyone down. I know that God, but my brain, or my heart (I don't know which it truly is) can't ever really get that understanding. It's like a lesson I'm trying to teach a kid who just can't understand the deeper concept so they never get the skill they need to move on. I'm stuck, and only You know how many strategies You've used, how many times You've tried to reteach this lesson to me, how many creative ways and materials You've presented me, and still I'm stuck in the dumb-kids, remedial class, and I fear I may be the only one left in this class still flunking this lesson while all the others have gone on to graduate to better things. :) Do you have some kind of IEP for me God? You should! :)
Why am I like this God? You made me who I am didn't You? You must have made me with particular character traits (or flaws as I see them) for some reason. So why do I take what You made and twist it so much out of proportion? I am truly mental, and I am truly, completely, utterly sick of my brain, my way of thinking.
I try to be:
I am unhappy with myself, God. Yeah, I know- again? Right? :) So this isn't new, and when have I ever been happy with myself? But here we are again, and I'm starting to understand something about myself in a new way; something I have always known, but is driving me crazy once again. My self-worth, esteem, happiness... is wrapped up in everybody around me, those I love, those I serve, those I work with, those I know, even sometimes those I haven't seen in years but whose approval or love I want so desperately.... Whenever others are happy, I'm happy. When others are upset, I'm sad. When others are angry, I'm uptight and worried. When others are silent, I must be the reason. When others are mad, I must have done something.
Messed up, right? I know. You know. My whole immediate family knows, and who knows who else who knows me, knows it too. ;) I've been this way mostly all my life. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse, way worse. I'm so like a yo-yo on this. Did I ever tell you, by the way God, that I don't really like yo-yo's. Never could play with them, make them do neat tricks, or even get them to come back up/down more than once or twice. So I'd really like to be some other kind of object, toy, plaything, or creation, one that's a little more useful in my book. :) :) :)
Okay, back to serious- I've spent the last year or so worrying about things I couldn't change, until I ended up a nut-case in November, hearing a dr. say I'm going to kill myself with high blood pressure, a stroke, a heart attack, and having acid problems to the point I now wonder if I have an ulcer.... Though there is some medical problem, part of the problem is me and this life I've lived of being a people pleaser.
I'm trying to please everyone and feel like I end up pleasing few, and mostly making myself crazy- well, let's say crazier. I know it's not my job in life to please everyone, to solve everyone's problems, to be perfect and never let anyone down. I know that God, but my brain, or my heart (I don't know which it truly is) can't ever really get that understanding. It's like a lesson I'm trying to teach a kid who just can't understand the deeper concept so they never get the skill they need to move on. I'm stuck, and only You know how many strategies You've used, how many times You've tried to reteach this lesson to me, how many creative ways and materials You've presented me, and still I'm stuck in the dumb-kids, remedial class, and I fear I may be the only one left in this class still flunking this lesson while all the others have gone on to graduate to better things. :) Do you have some kind of IEP for me God? You should! :)
Why am I like this God? You made me who I am didn't You? You must have made me with particular character traits (or flaws as I see them) for some reason. So why do I take what You made and twist it so much out of proportion? I am truly mental, and I am truly, completely, utterly sick of my brain, my way of thinking.
I try to be:
- a good Christian
- a good wife
- a good mom
- a good daughter
- a good teacher
- a good coworker
- a good employee
- a good sister
- a good friend
- a good person
- a good neighbor
- a good ....
I feel like a not so good______ fill in the blank most of the time, particularly when it comes to these areas: good Christian, good coworker/employee, good family member, good friend, good person... Why do I screw it all up when my intentions are well-meant and only for the best?
The only thing I know to do is to QUIT TRYING! Maybe that's the problem- me & my trying.
So, once again here I am, back at Your feet, groveling for forgiveness. I have messed things up with some people, when I truly didn't mean to. In some cases, I don't even really know what I've done wrong, just know there's not peace or I am not "in" the group. Maybe I'm not supposed to be; I truly don't know. God, this is what I do know. I never meant to hurt people's feelings. I want to get along with people. Most of all I want You to be seen in me, and I so doubt that is the case with my life.
I've been working on getting to know You better by spending my lunch time reading the Bible instead of eating in the cafeteria. I've been trying to be like the You I read about in the Word. At the end of the day, I'm trying to make sure I have lived today in a way that pleases You. I know that's really all that matters. God, I need You to help me quit worrying about the past and what I may have done or not done, to quit worrying about people liking me or not liking me, to quit feeling lonely and left out- it doesn't matter. None of that does. I need to keep my eyes focused on You, on teaching those kids You've placed in my life, on loving the kids that cross my path, on loving & serving my family and finishing the raising of my own kids and helping them get established in the adult world still rooted and grounded in You, on loving my husband and serving Him and being there for Him. Those are the things I should be concerned about. All the rest is just white noise, and I need to get my eyes off of that and back on what is important.
And though I hate the "but..." when kids give them to me, here I am "butting" You too. But God, I am messed up. I am who I am, maybe not who You created, but who I became for whatever reasons- good or bad. I very badly want to be not this Rebekah, but the one You want me to be. I want to please You more than anything. More than pleasing Allen Jay Elementary or Guilford County Schools, more than pleasing my principal, my fellow teachers, my grade level, my fellow church go-ers, my pastor, even my family, more than anything God, my heart screams out, "I WANT TO PLEASE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!"
Please help me to do it. Please forgive me for being the messed up person I am, for worrying about what others think, for taking my eyes off of You and concerning myself with the opinions of others, for wasting time and energy and mental health on concerns that shouldn't be concerns at all.
Help me to do better Father. I can't do it on my own. I've tried and failed.
With love for You, gratitude for who You are and Your mercy, sorrow for my own stupidity, failings, mistakes, and everything, and hope for a better tomorrow,
Your Rebekah :)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Headache, headache go away
Come again another day
I have work to do tonight.
You're making me feel quite a fright.
Come again another day
I have work to do tonight.
You're making me feel quite a fright.
God, I'm done for tonight, and yet have a lot to do. Please help me to focus, put myself in a better frame of mind, trust You with my life, the house, our finances, my heart, my family, it all. Okay, I'm going back to work. I must get these done tonight.
Trying to be like You & not grumble,
Rebekah
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Working on Love
I Corinthians 13 (my paraphrase)
"If I can talk to anyone, but don't love, I am just noise.
If I have all these spiritual gifts and knowledge and faith bigger than anyone's, but don't love, I am a big zero!
If I give away everything, sacrifice myself, but don't love, then I am the biggest loser."
How does love look/sound/feel?
"If I can talk to anyone, but don't love, I am just noise.
If I have all these spiritual gifts and knowledge and faith bigger than anyone's, but don't love, I am a big zero!
If I give away everything, sacrifice myself, but don't love, then I am the biggest loser."
How does love look/sound/feel?
- it is patient & kind
- it doesn't get jealous or brag about what it is or has or can do or where it's been
- it's not rude
- it doesn't have to be #1- have it's way
- it isn't grouchy or begrudging
- it is sorrowed by wrongs done others
- it is thrilled by things that are truthful & just
- it puts up with everything thrown at it
- it believes in others
- it hopes
- it endures no matter what
- it never ends
Boy, I've got a long way to go. Help me God to love, no matter the cost. Help me to put away the child in me and grow up to love like You do.
All Torn Up & Don't Know What To Do
God,
It's me. You know, the silly, crazy, way-too emotional, talk too much me. That daughter you must have dropped on her head or something. :)
Okay, now that I got my smile in for the day, time for me to spill my guts. You already know what I'm going to say anyway, so I might as well say it, right?
I have a decision that I need to make in the next few weeks, well maybe. Perhaps nothing will come of it, only You know that. But I'm assuming an opportunity might come my way, and I need to know what to do. I'm so torn up about it and can't make out what the "right thing" to do is.
My heart has been poured out and given away in little tiny pieces to a big group of children, and I will feel like I've abandoned some pretty important children, let alone part of who I am, if I were to leave. Yet I long for other things to be better. They could be so much more. I also know that things can be so very much worse, and then I feel like I'm just being a baby or a whiner or a quitter or a loser or, well you get the picture. I don't really want to go; I really just want things to be better. There is so much potential where I am, but it just isn't what it could be.
I sure don't want to get to worse, and I long to be like You. You said you came for the sick, not the well. As I read Your word, and I've been "watching" You there to see what You really did and what you were deeply moved by, I see that you cared for the unloved, uncared for, poor, downtrodden, despised, looked-over, passed-by, down & out.... Guess that's why I love so many of "my kids," and I know that's why it bothers me so to hear others talk about the "bad kids" and this one and that one.... God there are no "bad kids" and You love them all.
Am I deserting ones You love if I make a change? Am I wrong to want a better, happier place with strong leadership? Am I sacrificing what's truly important for my own comfort? I keep telling myself that I'm there for the kids, I'm not there to have best friends and be pals with every person on the planet. I'm there for the kids, and Father, I really am. You know that's what gets me in trouble sometimes. Sometimes, though, God I just feel so lonely and left out. Guess You understand that too, better than I ever could, don't You? Yeah, You do. Thank You for that, for being human so You could understand everything we think and feel.
God, I know You're God. I don't want to ask for a cloud in the sky that tells me what to do or signs that I shouldn't ask for when I'm supposed to trust You. I know it's called faith for a reason. What I am saying is my life has always been in Your hands, and I'm going to leave it there. You moved me way out here for a reason, for a purpose. Please keep me always in that purpose. Please only open the doors You want opened, and Father, if I try to open a door that I should not, please lock it tight. If a door opens, Father help me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt it's You opening it, give me a peace that goes beyond all my fears and guilt and worries, and even beyond the deep love & bond I have with so many of Your kids. I so don't want to walk through a door You're not behind. I so don't want to leave my kids behind, but if it's what You want help me to know it and to have the strength to gracefully leave an imprint on their hearts for You and go.
With so much love and emotion for You and for them,
Rebekah :)
It's me. You know, the silly, crazy, way-too emotional, talk too much me. That daughter you must have dropped on her head or something. :)
Okay, now that I got my smile in for the day, time for me to spill my guts. You already know what I'm going to say anyway, so I might as well say it, right?
I have a decision that I need to make in the next few weeks, well maybe. Perhaps nothing will come of it, only You know that. But I'm assuming an opportunity might come my way, and I need to know what to do. I'm so torn up about it and can't make out what the "right thing" to do is.
My heart has been poured out and given away in little tiny pieces to a big group of children, and I will feel like I've abandoned some pretty important children, let alone part of who I am, if I were to leave. Yet I long for other things to be better. They could be so much more. I also know that things can be so very much worse, and then I feel like I'm just being a baby or a whiner or a quitter or a loser or, well you get the picture. I don't really want to go; I really just want things to be better. There is so much potential where I am, but it just isn't what it could be.
I sure don't want to get to worse, and I long to be like You. You said you came for the sick, not the well. As I read Your word, and I've been "watching" You there to see what You really did and what you were deeply moved by, I see that you cared for the unloved, uncared for, poor, downtrodden, despised, looked-over, passed-by, down & out.... Guess that's why I love so many of "my kids," and I know that's why it bothers me so to hear others talk about the "bad kids" and this one and that one.... God there are no "bad kids" and You love them all.
Am I deserting ones You love if I make a change? Am I wrong to want a better, happier place with strong leadership? Am I sacrificing what's truly important for my own comfort? I keep telling myself that I'm there for the kids, I'm not there to have best friends and be pals with every person on the planet. I'm there for the kids, and Father, I really am. You know that's what gets me in trouble sometimes. Sometimes, though, God I just feel so lonely and left out. Guess You understand that too, better than I ever could, don't You? Yeah, You do. Thank You for that, for being human so You could understand everything we think and feel.
God, I know You're God. I don't want to ask for a cloud in the sky that tells me what to do or signs that I shouldn't ask for when I'm supposed to trust You. I know it's called faith for a reason. What I am saying is my life has always been in Your hands, and I'm going to leave it there. You moved me way out here for a reason, for a purpose. Please keep me always in that purpose. Please only open the doors You want opened, and Father, if I try to open a door that I should not, please lock it tight. If a door opens, Father help me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt it's You opening it, give me a peace that goes beyond all my fears and guilt and worries, and even beyond the deep love & bond I have with so many of Your kids. I so don't want to walk through a door You're not behind. I so don't want to leave my kids behind, but if it's what You want help me to know it and to have the strength to gracefully leave an imprint on their hearts for You and go.
With so much love and emotion for You and for them,
Rebekah :)
Friday, January 23, 2009
Love
I Corinthians says, "... the greatest of these is love."
I am so in love with my students, words just cannot express it. Something was said this week that let me know just how much impact that love might be having- I didn't think it was much, but maybe it is. I'm just thankful I remembered Who it really is that is the love in my room and remembered to give Him the credit for it instead of me.
When it comes to the children in my room & the children who have walked through my room and moved on, and even the children who aren't "mine" but just come by my room for a hug or whatever reason they come, I pour myself out, I love them with my all- on the good days, the bad days, the awful-terrible-wish I could pull my hair out days. But no matter how much love I give away, it keeps coming back to me tenfold, a hundred-fold, in bushel-baskets overflowing with big, huge hugs, kisses, "I love you's" signed and spoken, gifts made by little hands, notes left for me in my mailbox, smiles, giggles, silly faces, laughter, shared moments & memories... I can never seem to give enough away, they are like little sponges who keep soaking it up but who also squeeze their hearts back out to give to me.
On an afternoon when I felt discouraged after school and feel so out of sorts with adults (I'm just not as good with grown-ups as kids for whatever reason), I just sit here and close my eyes and I can see all those smiling, laughing faces sitting on my carpet looking at me, teasing me, joking with me, sticking their tongues out at me, chasing me on the playground, "attacking" their teacher, jumping up on my lap, hugging me from any direction. I see a new little girl who was scared and upset to be back at school after being out of country for almost a year, who was just plain traumatized and in tears, who responded to my "Te amo!" with "Yo tambien," and who has been hugging me non-stop & smiling these two days she's been with us. They are awesome kids, and I so don't deserve their love, but I am thankful for it. It fills my heart with joy and makes my days worth being alive and coming to work. It makes a job that can be so stressful on so many other levels, much worth it.
Nor can I forget the little boy from last year (who hated me at first) but who came to love me too. That tough little guy who has had to survive so much already who brings me little gifts of his, makes me notes, and lets me love on him when I can. That little boy who today asked his bus driver to honk at me so I would come back to his bus. When I did, he jumped down to give me a giant hug, took my face in his hands, turned my cheek and kissed it. That little guy will never know how much it means to me when he does that. He will never know how much of my heart he has captured. He will never know God loved me through him, but He did.
Oh God, Rob keeps telling me that You created me in my momma just for this purpose, that I am just what You made me to be. What can I say to that? How humbling to know that all my life from before I was born, my childhood, the hard things in life, motherhood, all my work experiences, led me to this place in time, to love these little people in my life with all my heart and soul because You love them. To know that You've helped me to turn the bad things in my life into lessons that have helped me better understand and minister to my little ones and their families. To know that You are walking in that room and that Your spirit is there in a public school classroom all day long with us. I'm just trying to picture you walking in amongst us as we learn to read, write, add, subtract, make a shape, memorize our alphabet, numbers, words, and all that we do. You were walking around the children doing puzzles today, walked in the middle of the carpet and the children working there. You watched the children reading, playing in the sand table, building with legos. You were there watching Elba & I as we assessed the children and worked with them. You were at the lunch table today when the kids begged me to sit with them; You sat with us too and listened to us. You celebrated another year of life with us today.
And in all of that activity and busy-ness, I can just see You walking around admiring "my kids" and loving them too. I can see You standing at the back of my carpet watching the kids and I teasing each other as I tried to "trick" them and they proudly didn't let me, as I read with them, and as we expressed our love for each other. And somehow, I know You were smiling- not just a polite smile, but a big love-filled smile. I can see it tonight, and I thank You!
Your word is true. The greatest of these is love. I may not have much faith or hope sometimes, but thank You for filling me with Your love and letting it spill out to those little friends of mine. Let me never lose Your love Father.
Lovingly, your Rebekah
I am so in love with my students, words just cannot express it. Something was said this week that let me know just how much impact that love might be having- I didn't think it was much, but maybe it is. I'm just thankful I remembered Who it really is that is the love in my room and remembered to give Him the credit for it instead of me.
When it comes to the children in my room & the children who have walked through my room and moved on, and even the children who aren't "mine" but just come by my room for a hug or whatever reason they come, I pour myself out, I love them with my all- on the good days, the bad days, the awful-terrible-wish I could pull my hair out days. But no matter how much love I give away, it keeps coming back to me tenfold, a hundred-fold, in bushel-baskets overflowing with big, huge hugs, kisses, "I love you's" signed and spoken, gifts made by little hands, notes left for me in my mailbox, smiles, giggles, silly faces, laughter, shared moments & memories... I can never seem to give enough away, they are like little sponges who keep soaking it up but who also squeeze their hearts back out to give to me.
On an afternoon when I felt discouraged after school and feel so out of sorts with adults (I'm just not as good with grown-ups as kids for whatever reason), I just sit here and close my eyes and I can see all those smiling, laughing faces sitting on my carpet looking at me, teasing me, joking with me, sticking their tongues out at me, chasing me on the playground, "attacking" their teacher, jumping up on my lap, hugging me from any direction. I see a new little girl who was scared and upset to be back at school after being out of country for almost a year, who was just plain traumatized and in tears, who responded to my "Te amo!" with "Yo tambien," and who has been hugging me non-stop & smiling these two days she's been with us. They are awesome kids, and I so don't deserve their love, but I am thankful for it. It fills my heart with joy and makes my days worth being alive and coming to work. It makes a job that can be so stressful on so many other levels, much worth it.
Nor can I forget the little boy from last year (who hated me at first) but who came to love me too. That tough little guy who has had to survive so much already who brings me little gifts of his, makes me notes, and lets me love on him when I can. That little boy who today asked his bus driver to honk at me so I would come back to his bus. When I did, he jumped down to give me a giant hug, took my face in his hands, turned my cheek and kissed it. That little guy will never know how much it means to me when he does that. He will never know how much of my heart he has captured. He will never know God loved me through him, but He did.
Oh God, Rob keeps telling me that You created me in my momma just for this purpose, that I am just what You made me to be. What can I say to that? How humbling to know that all my life from before I was born, my childhood, the hard things in life, motherhood, all my work experiences, led me to this place in time, to love these little people in my life with all my heart and soul because You love them. To know that You've helped me to turn the bad things in my life into lessons that have helped me better understand and minister to my little ones and their families. To know that You are walking in that room and that Your spirit is there in a public school classroom all day long with us. I'm just trying to picture you walking in amongst us as we learn to read, write, add, subtract, make a shape, memorize our alphabet, numbers, words, and all that we do. You were walking around the children doing puzzles today, walked in the middle of the carpet and the children working there. You watched the children reading, playing in the sand table, building with legos. You were there watching Elba & I as we assessed the children and worked with them. You were at the lunch table today when the kids begged me to sit with them; You sat with us too and listened to us. You celebrated another year of life with us today.
And in all of that activity and busy-ness, I can just see You walking around admiring "my kids" and loving them too. I can see You standing at the back of my carpet watching the kids and I teasing each other as I tried to "trick" them and they proudly didn't let me, as I read with them, and as we expressed our love for each other. And somehow, I know You were smiling- not just a polite smile, but a big love-filled smile. I can see it tonight, and I thank You!
Your word is true. The greatest of these is love. I may not have much faith or hope sometimes, but thank You for filling me with Your love and letting it spill out to those little friends of mine. Let me never lose Your love Father.
Lovingly, your Rebekah
I am in love
I am in love. Really. Truly. Deeply in love.
With whom? Well that's easy!
God first and most! He has never left me and never will. He loves me with all my many faults, my big body, my big mouth, my stupidity, well, it all. I'll NEVER understand why, but He does, and I will forever be grateful.
With my husband, Rob. He has stood by me through it all since I first met him at 16, married him at 17, started our family at 18, and so much more. He kept his promise to my momma and saw me all the way through college when so many said we'd neither one make it. He stuck with me through some very hard and ugly times in our marriage, through three kids in three years while both attending college and him working, through family problems on both sides of our families, through major financial hardships, through hunger & no food, through too many moves to even count any more, including this big one. He's a wonderful father to our three kids, my best friend, and a follower of Christ. What more could I say about him? I love him!
My children- duh! They are wonderful young adults- all almost grown and just about ready to "fly away" from me. I have adored them from before they were born, but oh, how that love has grown. Just to think of it makes my heart so full and my eyes brim with tears.
With whom? Well that's easy!
God first and most! He has never left me and never will. He loves me with all my many faults, my big body, my big mouth, my stupidity, well, it all. I'll NEVER understand why, but He does, and I will forever be grateful.
With my husband, Rob. He has stood by me through it all since I first met him at 16, married him at 17, started our family at 18, and so much more. He kept his promise to my momma and saw me all the way through college when so many said we'd neither one make it. He stuck with me through some very hard and ugly times in our marriage, through three kids in three years while both attending college and him working, through family problems on both sides of our families, through major financial hardships, through hunger & no food, through too many moves to even count any more, including this big one. He's a wonderful father to our three kids, my best friend, and a follower of Christ. What more could I say about him? I love him!
My children- duh! They are wonderful young adults- all almost grown and just about ready to "fly away" from me. I have adored them from before they were born, but oh, how that love has grown. Just to think of it makes my heart so full and my eyes brim with tears.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Sometimes people think they know me and they really don't. That kind of bugs me.
Or maybe it's just that I don't see myself the way others do, and then I worry that I think too highly of myself or don't see my faults. Then I think about how I'm so hard on myself and often told how I'm way to critical of myself more than others.
I think the thing is that I've changed from who I was, and it's just not well known.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy. :)
Or maybe it's just that I don't see myself the way others do, and then I worry that I think too highly of myself or don't see my faults. Then I think about how I'm so hard on myself and often told how I'm way to critical of myself more than others.
I think the thing is that I've changed from who I was, and it's just not well known.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy. :)
A Mid-Winter Night's Dream
Okay, so it's not much, but it will have to do for this midwestern, homesick girl until another day.
I'm thankful for a small reminder of home. Thanks God for the snow!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
an empty hand
I'm feeling a little low. My heart is burdened and sorrowful. I see so much hurt and ugliness in the world, especially towards kids and young people. I sometimes feel like I can't take it anymore. I start to say, "I don't want to care anymore God." But before that idea can even fully form in my brain (let alone actually come out of my mouth), I take it back. I wouldn't want to not care, not really. No, I couldn't be like that.
It's just so hard, God. I know You know, so much more than I could possibly ever understand. I guess this must just be a tiny piece of what You feel on a daily basis???
It's a little humbling to give so little to people and it be so much to some. Rob says there is a line in a Sammy Hagar song that says, "And empty hand reaching out to someone, an empty heart, takes so little to fill." It's very true. It hurts to know that children/people I know have so little good in their life, especially when I look at my life, my family, my home. I am so blessed, and again, humbled.
Why God? Why do some have more blessings and others so little to look forward to in life? Why am I so blessed with love & a good family? Why God, do some people hurt their own children so deeply and wound them so much? How can something You created be so ugly and destructive? How can something that has so much potential go so far from what You created us to be? Why did You really have to give Adam and Eve the choice? Part of me wishes You never would have.
I know You understand where all these ?s are coming from. I know You'll not be angry at me for You see my heart and know where my feelings stem from and that I only am distressed at the hurt in the lives of the children/youth I know. Thank You for understanding me, Father, even better than I understand myself. Thank You for blessing me for whatever reason; I so don't deserve it.
Please, Father, please help me to find a better way(s) to serve the people You've placed in my life and to help light a candle in their hearts somehow through my love, my action, what I say and do. Let me give a little hope in a dark place.
Rebekah
It's just so hard, God. I know You know, so much more than I could possibly ever understand. I guess this must just be a tiny piece of what You feel on a daily basis???
It's a little humbling to give so little to people and it be so much to some. Rob says there is a line in a Sammy Hagar song that says, "And empty hand reaching out to someone, an empty heart, takes so little to fill." It's very true. It hurts to know that children/people I know have so little good in their life, especially when I look at my life, my family, my home. I am so blessed, and again, humbled.
Why God? Why do some have more blessings and others so little to look forward to in life? Why am I so blessed with love & a good family? Why God, do some people hurt their own children so deeply and wound them so much? How can something You created be so ugly and destructive? How can something that has so much potential go so far from what You created us to be? Why did You really have to give Adam and Eve the choice? Part of me wishes You never would have.
I know You understand where all these ?s are coming from. I know You'll not be angry at me for You see my heart and know where my feelings stem from and that I only am distressed at the hurt in the lives of the children/youth I know. Thank You for understanding me, Father, even better than I understand myself. Thank You for blessing me for whatever reason; I so don't deserve it.
Please, Father, please help me to find a better way(s) to serve the people You've placed in my life and to help light a candle in their hearts somehow through my love, my action, what I say and do. Let me give a little hope in a dark place.
Rebekah
I want to know Jesus more than I do. I want to know "who" He was as a man. What He thought, felt, said, did. So I'm reading.
Matthew 8:20 "Jesus said, ' Foxes have holes, birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'"
Matthew 9:12 "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick... For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
Matthew 9:36 "When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd."
Matthew 11 :28 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 14:14 "When He went ashore, He saw a great crowd and He had compassion on them and healed their sick."
Matthew 15:32 "...I have compassion on the crowd because.... they have nothing to eat, and I am unwilling to send them away hungry..."
Matthew 19:14 "...Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them'... and He laid hands on them..."
Matthew 20:26 "...whoever would be great among you must be your servant & whoever would be first must be your slave even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve & to give His life as a ransom for many."
Matthew 22: 37-39 "Love your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself..."
Mark 1:41 "Moved with pity..."
Mark 3:5 "...grieved at their hardness of heart..."
I'm starting to get a clearer picture. This Man was acquainted with loneliness, with sorrow, with trials. He loved people and felt compassion for them and their problems and did whatever He could for them. He met practical needs as well as spiritual- feeding them, blessing them, listening, healing. Most of all, He lived what He said. He served and did not put Himself above others. He gave of Himself. He sacrificed daily in his own life as well as paying the ultimate price at the end of His life.
Thank you God, for Your life, Your example. For loving people so much and for all You did for people when You were a man, and even yet still centuries later. Thank You for Your word where I can go read about You and who You were. Thank You for helping me to understand You a little better. Thank You for loving me and living in me. Help me to keep learning more of "who" You were & are, and help me to be more like You.
Rebekah
Matthew 8:20 "Jesus said, ' Foxes have holes, birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'"
Matthew 9:12 "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick... For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
Matthew 9:36 "When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd."
Matthew 11 :28 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 14:14 "When He went ashore, He saw a great crowd and He had compassion on them and healed their sick."
Matthew 15:32 "...I have compassion on the crowd because.... they have nothing to eat, and I am unwilling to send them away hungry..."
Matthew 19:14 "...Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them'... and He laid hands on them..."
Matthew 20:26 "...whoever would be great among you must be your servant & whoever would be first must be your slave even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve & to give His life as a ransom for many."
Matthew 22: 37-39 "Love your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself..."
Mark 1:41 "Moved with pity..."
Mark 3:5 "...grieved at their hardness of heart..."
I'm starting to get a clearer picture. This Man was acquainted with loneliness, with sorrow, with trials. He loved people and felt compassion for them and their problems and did whatever He could for them. He met practical needs as well as spiritual- feeding them, blessing them, listening, healing. Most of all, He lived what He said. He served and did not put Himself above others. He gave of Himself. He sacrificed daily in his own life as well as paying the ultimate price at the end of His life.
Thank you God, for Your life, Your example. For loving people so much and for all You did for people when You were a man, and even yet still centuries later. Thank You for Your word where I can go read about You and who You were. Thank You for helping me to understand You a little better. Thank You for loving me and living in me. Help me to keep learning more of "who" You were & are, and help me to be more like You.
Rebekah
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Baby Steps
I know, I know, God, I've been here before- how many times? I don't even want to know the answer to that question. But God, you know You've got my attention this time. You really do.
They may be baby steps, but Father I am really trying. 2 quarts to 1 gallon of water a day each day this week, healthier eating & smaller portions, didn't even get my favorite strawberry fruit slush the two times a kid went to sonic this week, got my exercise bike and started using it.... I told my students before break to help bug me about the water and they are (so is my assistant). They are excited to see me drain that big jug of water, ask me if I rode my bike, and most of all are so loving to me in this effort I'm making. They, like You, love me just as I am!
Most importantly reading Your word- really doing it too, not just a chapter or two. Finishing a whole book in the Bible in one week - 4 days actually- (not Isaiah maybe, but not Ruth either). ;) I'm trying so hard to put You first in my life- my home life, my work life, my heart, everywhere. Even gave up eating in the cafe with the other teachers and my kids (which can be a big problem sometimes when coworkers take offense or don't understand) to do something I felt like I was supposed to do at lunch instead.
I know I've fallen down so many times You really should be sick to death of me. But may I say thanks for not being sick of me. Thanks for picking me up, dusting me off, and gently nudging me back onto the path of taking care of me. That is so hard for me to do- I'm used to taking care of my kids, my hubby, my checkbook, my students and their families, even coworkers, but not myself. Thank You Father for being patient with me as I learn how to do this.
Truth is, I know that I can't do this. I can't God, and You know it too. If I could, I'd never have gotten to this stage of Two Ton Tessie. I would have long ago done what needed to be done because if I could do it, it would be so easy. This is going to be impossibly difficult. Lots of people keep telling me "You can do it." "You can do anything you set your mind to." "If you could go to school, have kids, be a good teacher....... (fill in the blank) then you can do this....." But people don't know (unless they are truly this huge). I know You do. Right now I'm grateful for You still loving me as I am- and if I died today in this elephant stage I know You'd still take me in. But I know You can make me change, You can make me who I need to be and, Lord, who I truly want to be, a healthier person who will live to see her grandchildren if You allow it.
For tonight, I'm thankfully Your Two Ton Tessie daughter working on being One Ton Wanda. ;)
P.S. Did I make You smile at least a little God? I try. :)
Rebekah
They may be baby steps, but Father I am really trying. 2 quarts to 1 gallon of water a day each day this week, healthier eating & smaller portions, didn't even get my favorite strawberry fruit slush the two times a kid went to sonic this week, got my exercise bike and started using it.... I told my students before break to help bug me about the water and they are (so is my assistant). They are excited to see me drain that big jug of water, ask me if I rode my bike, and most of all are so loving to me in this effort I'm making. They, like You, love me just as I am!
Most importantly reading Your word- really doing it too, not just a chapter or two. Finishing a whole book in the Bible in one week - 4 days actually- (not Isaiah maybe, but not Ruth either). ;) I'm trying so hard to put You first in my life- my home life, my work life, my heart, everywhere. Even gave up eating in the cafe with the other teachers and my kids (which can be a big problem sometimes when coworkers take offense or don't understand) to do something I felt like I was supposed to do at lunch instead.
I know I've fallen down so many times You really should be sick to death of me. But may I say thanks for not being sick of me. Thanks for picking me up, dusting me off, and gently nudging me back onto the path of taking care of me. That is so hard for me to do- I'm used to taking care of my kids, my hubby, my checkbook, my students and their families, even coworkers, but not myself. Thank You Father for being patient with me as I learn how to do this.
Truth is, I know that I can't do this. I can't God, and You know it too. If I could, I'd never have gotten to this stage of Two Ton Tessie. I would have long ago done what needed to be done because if I could do it, it would be so easy. This is going to be impossibly difficult. Lots of people keep telling me "You can do it." "You can do anything you set your mind to." "If you could go to school, have kids, be a good teacher....... (fill in the blank) then you can do this....." But people don't know (unless they are truly this huge). I know You do. Right now I'm grateful for You still loving me as I am- and if I died today in this elephant stage I know You'd still take me in. But I know You can make me change, You can make me who I need to be and, Lord, who I truly want to be, a healthier person who will live to see her grandchildren if You allow it.
For tonight, I'm thankfully Your Two Ton Tessie daughter working on being One Ton Wanda. ;)
P.S. Did I make You smile at least a little God? I try. :)
Rebekah
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