Overwhelmed

***I apologize in advance. I am a red-eyed, stressed mess, so this post is probably going to be a rambling filled with run-ons and other annoying things. Feel free to ignore. It's mostly so I can just get my feelings out.

I started the new semester today. I came home and fell apart. I was prepared for another hard semester; so far all my courses have had their difficult moments, and my brain power has been challenged over and over. But I survive each semester with God and my family's support, love, and help. It's all good.

I was doing alright through the prof's explanation of the capstone portfolio. It's a lot of work, but we have time, and I'm a decent enough writer to be able to do that. The exam, well it makes me a bit nervous, but again, I can study and have time to do that. It's online so I can probably use my books, notes, and take the time I need to do well (or at least decent enough to pass the program). Those two items are capstone for the whole program so they will be covering two years' worth of material, projects, readings, and work. Biggies, but do-able. I've done very well so far in this program, so with God's help I can do this too. No worries.

Then we get to this actual course. This prof seems very nice, but has it very clearly stated that he does not accept late assignments and that one assignment missing earns an F in the whole course. So he will not "play." Okay, I can take that. I'm an adult; I can get it done, might be hard, but I will do it with God's help. Last semester of this program; I can do all things through Christ.

Then he begins to talk about our projects/assignments. I begin to tear up and my stomach instantly is hurting. We have to mentor someone (I stunk at that the last time I tried to be a mentor), AND we have to lead a professional development session. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot do that. Literally. I am not being a drama-queen; I am not being silly. I cannot speak in front of groups of adults. Kids I can do- even that makes me pretty uptight and nervous at the beginning of each school year, but I can get through that. Adults- I don't do. I HATE HATE HATE group work, group projects, "turn & talk," "jigsaw," and the million other "cutesy" ways we have to do group work in education. I'm not talking a little bashfulness or a little nerves. I'm talking serious stomach-ache, instant, horrid heartburn, blood pressure goes up, I want to crawl in a whole-and-die kind of horror. I've often joked (but not so joking) that I could probably get a social anxiety disorder diagnosis and the meds to go with it if I really told a dr. this stuff. Seriously.

I have NO idea how I'm going to do this, and especially at my work place. Where I'm now just left of "worst teacher in the planet" in some people's books. Yeah, I'm sure the powers-that-be are going to let me/want me to lead a PD session. I'm sure I am NOT going to want to do that. And honestly, if I'd known this was part of the program, I would NEVER have signed up for this. I know that's crazy, literally pyscho. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I don't want to.

So, I sat there trying really, really hard to not let anyone see that I was close to tears. Then the prof has for us, as our "ticket-out-the-door" (another stupid thing educators do), "Write on an index card what you hope to gain in the area of leadership from this course." Oh, great! Can I write what I really think/want/hope? What is so bad about just hoping to be a better teacher, hoping to lead your students more effectively, hoping to lead yourself to a better place, better understanding of the content you teach?

I'm so tired and overwhelmed and honestly, discouraged right at this moment. But I'll live. I know I do not have it bad in the scheme of things and compared to so many others. I am just being a baby. So, here I go. I'm picking myself up, telling myself to "hush up" and giving myself a swift kick in the rear. Get over yourself, Rebekah Rose. Seriously.

tonight's not-so-deep thought

just journaling a quick thought for tonight. i am dead tired and should be in bed already.

when told "you better bring your 'A' game as some kind of perceived, bully, stupid threat, it's best to just walk away.

for "their" information- i bring my "a+ game" EVERY SINGLE DAY i show up to work, and i don't do it for them or ANYONE but God and those kids. if that's not enough of a reason, than i don't have a clue what is. i could go on, but i'm hushing and going to sleep. my "a" game needs to get it's beauty sleep because the inquisition is coming.

grrr......

After all these years...

It's weird after all these years how my daddy's death still so strongly impacts me. A few days ago, Barbara was talking about how her daddy taught her to change a tire and the oil... The conversation went a lot of ways, but one of the ways it went was me making sure she knows that should she EVER want to do either of those things she must tell me first. It was weird how quickly that thought could bother me.

Then tonight, Robert was telling me about something he did in his job today. Something I am sure is perfectly safe. He was talking to me, and I told him we'd have to not go too far in this conversation when BOOM! there it was, and I had to ask him to stop. I don't want to be that way with my kids- don't want them to have to not tell me things or not be just normal.

But I really can't help it. I've come a long- no a very long- way from the traumatized girl I was, but I guess some things just can't be fixed. I know my kids will understand and won't mind. I just wish I wasn't a messed-up person.

Love the kids, everything else- eeehhh

Just popping by very quickly to say hello. I hope you are having a great first week of 2011.

I was very pleasantly surprised so far this week by my student's excellent behavior! Usually the first few days back after a longer break are a bit like the beginning of the school year. I wasn't quite sure what to expect in third grade, but figured I'd have my hands full as I normally do even on a good day. Well, what do you know- my kids are behaving WONDERFULLY. Not sure if it's "just" God (insert BIG cheesy smile here, Momma) and the prayers I have going up for me or if the gum that I've been offering at day's end has been that big a deal, but whatever it is, I'll take it!!!! Let me tell you though, God works in mysterious ways, and last week He put the gum in my shopping cart, so I will give Him full credit if gum is working wonders. :) hahahahaha

The kids, I love! I enjoy the laughter, the teasing, the hugs, and helping kids learn. The other stuff that goes with teaching now, well it's not so hot. But what's new. :)

I'm drained, still have a HUGE stack of papers to grade that I didn't finish over break plus assignments from this week already stacking up. Benchmarks are rolling in soon, plus now we have more assessments "they" are going to require of us, so the crazy busy time is almost here again. :( In another week, it will be benchmarks, PEP's, report cards, and a bunch of other assessments.

In other exciting news- ha!- I start the next grad class this weekend. This is the last one in this pilot program. I will be receiving a math license when it's done. :) I'm going to be applying for student loans to finish the master's degree. Please pray that I can find a way to fund it as it's only five more courses I have to pay for. But, then again, it is five more courses to pay for when you can't even pay your own bills in the summer. I know God will help me if it is in His plan.

I have some other things on my mind, but they're not mine to share. Please just pray for someone I care about; God knows who it is and what the situation is.

Encouragement

There was a verse in worship today, and I couldn't get it written all down, but wrote enough to look it up. It spoke to me- just stood out to me, and I felt compelled to look it up. Wow, it speaks to a couple things heavy on my heart right now. I was familiar with other parts of the chapter and it really just was a blessing to read it again. What a word of encouragement! I do not look forward to going back into "battle" tomorrow. This time home with my family has been a reprieve from the daily challenges and struggles that teaching has become. But go I must; it is my God-calling and I want to please Him and help others.

Let me share the verse. I hope it encourages you or helps you through a hard time.

Love,

Beka :)

Isaiah 43: 1-7

But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you... "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.... Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth- everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

Then this part that was shared in worship this morning: verses 18 & 19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

Goodbye-Hello

Goodbye 2010.

• You brought me one last 18 year old and one last senior year.
• You brought me three working young people.
• In this time, our oldest left the teen years and entered his 20's and graduated with his associates and started working in his profession. He had quite a year! :)
• And our daughter finished her 1st year of college and began her second.
• You brought us more medical bills and words I hated hearing, "He's okay, but he's been stabbed & taken to the hospital." Whew, that was scary!
• You brought me a new grade to teach- hmmm....
• You brought us the news that I would be an aunt. :) :) :)
• You brought us another year with each other, another year of having Momma, another year of life with Pop in it. For that I am so grateful.
• You brought us lots and lots of laughter too for which I'm very thankful! You brought us family for Thanksgiving and lots of family time at Christmas with each other- the five of us. I will always cherish that time together!

It's been quite a year.

Hello 2011.

You look to bring us even bigger changes, and I'm not sure how I'll take them all, but with God at my side, I know I'll pass whatever tests you have in store. Bring it on!

So happy with this one!

Please know that I am very aware that I am NO super card maker yet :). I am learning a TON as I do this. So PLEASE forgive me if I am being "braggy," but I was so happy with these little notecards, and I was thrilled that I got a decent picture. I wanted to show it off!

These are thank you cards; here is a close-up of one.

And these are going to be given away on my Facebook fan page. :) I really loved the colors of this paper- blues are my favorite color! Plus, I love snowmen in case you didn't already figure that out. :)

So anywhooo, HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, BekaBoo :)

Hello Snowmen!

The snowmen came out to visit today! :) Not all of them- our house is not really big and already pretty crammed in, but I put out many of my favorites and enough to brighten the house up. :) I lit up some candles, and Rob started a firelog tonight too so it is so pretty and cozy in the house tonight!

My newest snowman came from my son, Robert, for Christmas. See him up there? He gave me the neatest standing snowman, and he is there by my fireplace!

This little snowfriend came all the way from Illinois compliments of a friend of my momma's! :) Thanks Marvetta!!!

I love this one too! He has a place to put a tealight in his tummy.

Not a good photo- I apologize! I wanted to share them though- the one says, "Jesus loves you snow much." The other one is a music box.

This snowlady has been with me for a while now. She has a neat sign that says, "In the meadow we can build a snowman." She has travelled with me from northern Illinois to Iowa and now NC.

I must have been breathing in this one too as it's blurry. Silly me! These came from my husband and kids a few Christmases ago- love 'em so much!

A gift from a former student in Illinois, this little lamp is so neat!

So there you go! I do love snowmen! :)

Goodbye Christmas

We took down our Christmas tree today- this is the earliest it's ever happened in our house. :( We never take ours down until Epiphany or at least the weekend after New Years, just depending on our tree. This year's tree was DEAD though, and we don't want to risk a fire, so we went ahead and just did it. The house looks so empty now where the tree and our creches were!!! Even Barbara was crying today because she doesn't want this time to end. I'm trying HARD to not go there because if Matthew's plans work out, we might not all be together next year for Christmas, and if we do he'll be a soldier. I'm very supportive of Matthew and his dream, but I cannot go too far down that road yet. It's going to hurt like crazy to send him off to enlist when we are at war. That's just a path I'm not going down until we know he's definitely in. Like Scarlett O'Hara, I'll think about that "tomorrow." That tomorrow is coming soon enough.

Tomorrow we'll put out the snowmen collection. We started doing that a couple years ago, and in this smaller home, it just works. There's not room for it and Christmas, and this way I can stretch out the "cheer" a little longer. I will take some photos to share tomorrow.

I can feel work lingering there in the background about to stick its ugly face "all up in my business." But for at least another day or two I'm going to ignore it the best I can and enjoy a couple more days of non-reality home with my family. This has sure been nice.

Tonight, Rob and Robert put up Barbara's ceiling fan and new fancy-dancy motion sensor switch. She'd been saying she wanted that for quite a while, so her electrician big brother bought her both for Christmas. He put in the switch and Rob helped him get the fan started. So when she comes home from work at McDonald's tonight she'll have a big surprise!

Well, I'm off to make up my grocery list now that my January menu is done! Then some stamping, some reading and some sleeping. Tomorrow is grocery day, bill day, and maybe a game with my family. Happy New Year's Eve Eve to you all!

aaahhhh, that's nice

I am so enjoying this break away from "reality." Last night, I slept in the recliner since my back has been bothering me again, but Barbara and Matthew slept downstairs with me- a little campout! :) That made my night!!!! We slept in this morning- so nice! Just one of the perks of having older kids/teenagers/working young adults!

Robert, as always, wanted to go somewhere- we tease him, but he seriously has some ADHD-ish traits! So he, Barbara, and I went out. I spent my Michael's gift card (thanks Brooks family!!!), then we hit Petsmart and Hobby Lobby- paper, stamps, and ribbon were ALL 50% off! WooHoo!!!

I came home and cleaned out my ribbons and put them in the new basket I bought today and then made some cards this afternoon. I bought some pretty Christmas paper and made a couple sets of small cards and put them away for next year. I am hoping to try participating in some craft bazaars, sales, etc. this next year, and I need to make things ahead of time and get my stock built up quite a bit. I have a bunch of paper cut and ready for tomorrow- birthday cards, snowflake cards, and sympathy cards.

This evening found me taking Matthew to his friend's house to hang out/spend the night. They live on the far side of Winston- about 35 minutes from here, so I had a nice ride.

I still have two bags full of papers to grade- yuck!, paperwork to take to school tomorrow- I need a signature for grad school, guided reading books to fold and staple for next week, bills to pay, and some other paperwork to do for home. Break is going fast. I am going to hate going back, but I am thankful for the time off to rest and be with the ones I love!

more Christmas videos

Christmas service 2- VBC from Rebekah Thomas on Vimeo.

and this one too from the Raleigh group who joined in this service.

Christmas service 3- VBC from Rebekah Thomas on Vimeo.

YEAH!

I finally got the video to work! It took a while to upload and a minute for me to figure out how to embed it, but it's there. We're off to go see a movie since Robert is not working today (thank you snow!), but I'll upload some more when I get home. Wait until you see the Silent Night one! Maybe it's just me, but that moves me to tears every year!

Videos from Christmas service

This was one song Robert's church sang at their Christmas service last night.

VBC Christmas Service 2010 from Rebekah Thomas on Vimeo.

Winter Wonderland

So, I rode along with Rob this afternoon to pick up Matthew. He took me on a little ride through the rich part of the world near us. It is gorgeous in this neighborhood normally with all the trees and the little lake and beautiful homes, then add in the many pretty Christmas lights and now the snow! Oh, it was beautiful!!!!

LOVE this photo!!!

Rob is such a good sport- even turned around when I spotted the pretty wreaths on the red door all covered in snow. And Matthew got out and took the photos for me! Thanks you two!

White Christmas

This is what greeted us when we came out of church. :)

We actually got to go home in a "snowstorm," at least by NC standards. :)

You forget how snow makes everything so different! It deadens the noises and transforms the world into a whole new place. With the school behind us and the lights from the shopping center & road close-by, the snow was really reflecting a lot of light. It was neat to take this photo of the house at 9 PM!

This is what we woke up to today- a winter wonderland!

This was the view from our front door- our bushes and the neighbor across the street- his house is almost hidden in snow-covered trees. Look how much the wires were sagging! If a big truck had gone down the street today, they'd have hit those wires for sure!

This is the view of our backyard from my kitchen.

more Christmas photos

Just a few more photos from Christmas day.

One of Barbara's gifts was the movie Despicable Me, and when she opened it, she found the package included this cute little inflatable minion. She watched her movie with her minion buddy. I just thought it was kind of cute.

Matthew modeling his new jacket.

And THEN, it began to snow! Right here in NC, on Christmas Day, it began to SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about a miracle. :) This part of the world hasn't had a white Christmas since 1969. And it snowed!

This is what it looked like while we were preparing food in the early afternoon.

Rob went out to pose for a fun photo in the snow once it began to stick. Mr. Claus says "Hello" from NC!

And this is what it looked like when we left for church at 5:30.

After dinner and a little down time, we went to Robert's church, Greensboro Vietnamese Baptist Church (VBC) for service. They had a very nice service in their gym with other churches including one that braved the weather and came from Raleigh. It was really neat! It made me homesick for heaven. I don't know or profess to have any understanding of what Heaven will be like, but I hope we don't lose all our differences there. I think it's just the neatest thing to have the myriad of languages, foods, skin tones, and cultures, and I hope heaven will retain that somehow.

See the tall young man there in the middle of the back row? That is our son, Robert.

I'm trying to get Blogger to load a couple of the videos I took, but I'm not having success. I'll post more snow photos and hopefully a video or two from church soon.

Christmas photos

So these pictures are not necessarily in any particular order, but I wanted to share some photos for our family back home.

We had a wonderful Christmas! I told my family all month long, that since this was looking like it would be our last Christmas all together for a while perhaps (Matthew is enlisting in the Army upon graduation in June), ALL I wanted was to have a good Christmas with my family and to make lots of good memories. We did, and God even sent down a little snow on Christmas- a white Christmas in NC!!!!! Wow!

We all worked together to cook a nice meal. Rob was getting the duck ready to roast. We have never had duck before, so we were excited but nervous. Turned out delicious!!! It was nice all working together to cook.

Even Samson "supervised" as we worked. :)

While our duck roasted, we vegged in various places. Barbara did some reading. I know I'm her momma and all, but she is just a beautiful young lady! How did the little girl we had grow up into this young woman??? For that matter, how did I get old enough to have this young lady?

I don't know if this house will ever get "old" to me, and honestly, I pray that the gratitude and appreciation for having a home of our own NEVER wears off! It took us so long to be able to buy a house, and even now, approaching two years later, I still have to remind myself that we don't rent anymore, that we have a place that is ours, that this pretty home is really ours! I actually own and live in a nice place- nothing fancy or big- but JUST right for us!

See that snowman up there by the fireplace, on the right? Robert got me that for Christmas! I LOVE it!!!!

After we had exchanged gifts with each other- we gave Samson a small bone treat for Christmas. We gave Cinnamon (our cat) a catnip mouse toy, but he was too drugged and hyper playing with it to get a photo. :)

Rob read us the story of Jesus' birth and led us in prayer.

Robert seemed really surprised when he opened up this gift and saw the binoculars he'd been hoping to buy himself. :)

Barbara gave me slippers which I had been wanting badly since mine died on our camping trip in October. :)

I know I'm partial, but I think Matthew has the BEST smile! This is the shirt his sister gave him, and he loved it. He was laughing himself silly at what it said- "I suffer from cruel and unusual employment."

And these two are peas in a pod- we've often referred to them as "the twins"- they are alike in many ways, except that one is more vocal and loud in expressing herself, and one is a VERY tall. :)

One of the things that was so nice to see this year was my kids getting into giving to each other without our coaching/coaxing. This year they all have jobs, and they were excited to buy for each other and there were lots of conversations about what they wanted to do for each other or "hmmm, I wonder what___ would like..." And they were generous with each other too! So nice to see as their mom!!! Made me feel proud of them to not just think of themselves and what they want for Christmas!

Rob and I had a fun game of Super Scrabble on Christmas Eve while two of the kids were working. I won, and he was a good sport. :)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you all. I hope wherever you are, you will find God's love very near and that He will bless you in many ways!

Love,
Rebekah :)

Christmas Eve Eve

While I worked in the kitchen, Rob and the kids finished getting up the huge amount of leaves in our backyard.

Even still, at the end of December, there are leaves not fallen yet. Amazing!

Our Christmas tree this year, during the day

and at night

And that fire? We had quite a scare last night! We don't do fires very often, but when we do we usually use those paper/wax fire logs. We've had no problem with them, but we must have had a dud box last night. Rob put the log in, lit it, and within a couple minutes we had this HUGE, bordering-on-out-of-control fire. Very pretty, but very scary. The log was almost all wax, and we could see it just dripping down all over the bottom of the fireplace, and the wax all igniting. It was HUGE! Never felt that much heat off a fire log before. Thank God, Rob was able to put water on the floor of the fireplace and put out some of the wax burning on the bottom and it did finally die down to a normal amount. God looks out for stupid people- and we're walking proof of that!

Baking Busy-ness

I made it through the two hectic days of school to have two hectic days of baking. My kids and Rob helped me some too. :) We made lots of yummy treats to give away to neighbors, some restaurant workers, and a couple of the kids' friends' families.

So Rachael shared these DELICIOUS photos and recipes of Mounds candy. OH MY WORD, they looked good. I tried them and they are as good/better than they look!!!! Barbara and I made them- I rolled the balls and she added pecans.

Our table was covered in them! :)

Matthew helped me with melting the chocolate and dipping all those balls of coconut goodness.

Then the rest of the family got in on the action.

Rob even tried to dip some other things in the chocolate. :)

Rach, they are SOOOOOOOOOOOO good! Thank you for sharing the recipe. I love them!

These go by other names, but in our house, I've called them "snowball" cookies for years. Here they are on the pan ready to bake and then finished below. Probably my favorite cookie!

Who can forget pumpkin??? Pumpkin breads for neighbors and Trang's family and Rita's family. Plus a loaf or two for our Christmas morning brunch.

And my ever favorite dessert in the whole world- pumpkin pie! And, look Momma, these turned out pretty! :) No lopsided pie this time. :) hahaha