Let me start by saying that I'm "different" than most of the teachers I know and most of the ones I work with. I know some of them (maybe all for all I know) think and have told me that I'm too "soft" with the kids. I get the feeling/impression that they think I'm a real pushover. But I'm not. I'm just different.
See some of the ladies I work with are much more assertive about themselves than I am. They are confident about themselves, voice their feelings and opinion more freely, and are very firm. They set boundaries and sometimes they are loud with their students. That's what works for them- their style. I'm cool with that. It's just not me. I think if they spent time in my room, they would see that although I am different, what works for me works for me- if you get my drift.
I'm a lover, I guess, when it comes to kids. I am just too much of a mom to be anything else anywhere else- even getting called "Big Mama" once last year- that's another blog I should write. I am always hugging on my kids, letting them crawl up in my lap, praising & complimenting and rewarding (this drives one of my coworkers crazy with me- I think she really hates that about me)... And when I discipline it's not with yelling or berating, it's, I don't know, "softer" I guess. Oooh, so I guess maybe I am soft compared to the rest of my grade level, but I wish they wouldn't judge me that way because it works for me. Duh, Rebekah, like you're always telling your "home kids" and your "school kids", "Just because someone says something, doesn't make it so." :)
But, this week I changed; some of the others working Kindercamp noticed it too. I noticed it after I heard myself talking to a child. Now don't worry- I didn't yell, scream, have a fit, or put a child down. But I did hear my voice sounding much more firm, and I thought to myself , "Boy, that teacher's not going to take crap off anyone!" Then I realized it was me that was talking. :) Hmmmm....
We were talking about this, and Kristen commented on how I changed a little, and that got me to thinking. I wonder if coming back with a bit of attitude/hurt/aggravation/"chip on my shoulder" still from last year's "fun" (not!) maybe is actually good. Maybe that will help me not be quite so much to look the other way, allow kids to "mess up" quite so much, allow parents to walk all over me like a door mat (which is really an issue more than anything else probably)...
So, I think (not sure yet) that maybe I do have a new attitude. Now I just have to figure out how to match that attitude with my action- what action am I going to take? I can see I have some issues in my new students (got that much from Kindercamp) but what will I do when someone can't keep his hands off other people? Wants to go to the bathroom with a little girl? Won't line up when the teacher calls on the playground?
Then, on my ride home from school last night, I was thinking about all this and listening to see if God had any input, and it "occurred" to me (like it usually does when God is trying to talk to me) that maybe, just maybe all that ugliness I had to deal with last year that wore me out, made me emotionally tired, and maybe even a little "burned out"- boy I hate that phrase- had to happen to make me toughen up a bit. If that's right it took a lot of years and a lot of "hurts," frustrations, and tears as a teacher (believe me, there have been too many kids & parents to even begin to name here) to get to this point- quite a journey. Then I started crying, which is a sure sign God is around somewhere nearby- and I thought about that all the way home.
I always try to look for why God placed me in the lives of my students, and what can I do for them to make their life better and help them be their best and show them His love...., but it rarely occurs to me that maybe God is there, at school, for me too (I struggle with knowing that this is my "God call" in life but yet thinking that it is not "God's work" or that He would even bother to notice me or my work for Him- I can't tell you how many times I left church feeling like a failure because the message was about how our "jobs" aren't spiritual work and we needed to do more).
Now that I'm writing all this out, He reminded me of my earlier lesson with Denise who taught me that He is watching and He is in my classroom and He can speak through "the mouths of babes." And, maybe though I'm there to serve those little people and their families, maybe I can get something out of it for me too. Yeah, just maybe :) (Smile- I'm being a smart-aleck). Okay, God, so I'm starting to get it.
God, be patient with me, I'm still working on all this, and trying to understand it all and get what it is You want me to from it. Please remember, I'm riding on the "little yellow bus" to heaven, and I need extra time and accommodations since I'm a slow learner. :) I know, God, I'm a nut, but hopefully I make You laugh sometimes. :)
Your nutty child,
Rebekah :)
P.S. Thanks for the new attitude; help me to keep it, okay God? And maybe even use with a few adults in my life???
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Open House
Yesterday was a long day! Kristen, Tijuana, Sarah, and I had to work the last day of Kindercamp, get our rooms ready for Open House, and attend Open House. Ugh! I'm wiped out! The day went from 7:15 until 7:00, then I stayed and worked and talked with Kristen and Erin until 8:30.
Our room was crammed more full than I think it's ever been since I've been here. Out of the 21 students we have enrolled in our class, I think we had 17 or 18 come with their families. I still have to count up all my paperwork from last night and start entering all the info (oops- "data" is the NC approved word for this, Rebekah- repeat, data, data, data, we love the data...." ) -Smile here now- We were busy! I think it went well, and the parents seemed happy, the kids more so! They loved my little tent "camp" area we had and, of course, the fish & crabs. Some of the parents were letting their kids get away with "murder," so to speak- punching (I'm not exaggerating) my real traffic light, tearing in and out of the tent, hitting the aquarium and crab's tank... Even when I redirected their kid or said "that's for the teachers only" (with the parents standing/sitting right there) they just let them go on. That's always enlightening!
Kristen and I were happy to see several of our "old" kinderkids come back to say hello to us last night (and parents too). That always makes me feel good. We have some siblings this year too, of kids we had before, which I am thrilled about! And a parent from last year that I get to have again- YEAH!- pulled me aside to tell me that something that had been wrong last year that I had tried to pray about is better now. I almost cried right there in the classroom! God, you know what that issue was and the hurt that it had caused my student and his mom; thank you, thank you, thank you for fixing the situation!
And the first kid to come in our room last night was the one with which I was most exasperated with at year's end in June. And, I was almost surprised- but then again not- at the way all my aggravation and irritation just left when I realized who it was that was hugging my legs. That's God for you! I wanted and needed to let those issues go. Please help me to let the hurt go from the grandmama too.
Well, this summer flew by, literally. And now the first workweek has too. I have TONS to do for school to be ready for the first day on Tuesday. Thank God there is still one more workday to get ready. I still have to get some things ready for my first official "grade level meeting" and do lesson plans and on and on and on... Rob and I have to go buy hooks, and he's such a good husband that he's going to go drill them into the wall for me today. Right now I have enough cubby spaces for 18, but this year it looks like we're going to be overflowing with kids, so I need some more places for kids to put their backpacks and jackets. I am going to have him help me hang up a bulletin board, pocket chart, and some crates in the bathroom too. Yeah, in case you didn't know, teachers may get "all that time off" but we actually work more hours in a week/month/year than most people ever work all year long, and we don't get paid for those "extra" hours. They're just expected of us, but not paid. Not being bitter, just stating a little-known fact.
Well, it's Saturday, my day for weekly grocery shopping, assigning the kids' weekly housework jobs, running all our errands, and doing schoolwork the rest of the day. Yeah, school's back in session. I can tell it's back to life as I know it. Thanks God for the summer and more time with my kids and husband than I normally get in the school year. And, God, especially thanks for helping me to get my attitude in line with my heart and helping me to not begrudge being back at school; little by little, I'm going to be okay and make it through this year.
Now if I could just convince my body that it shouldn't be so sore, tired, and achy! I think maybe I aged a little bit this past year- seriously- I'm not joking. I HURT!!!! I don't know how in the world I will do this until I'm almost 70! :)
Our room was crammed more full than I think it's ever been since I've been here. Out of the 21 students we have enrolled in our class, I think we had 17 or 18 come with their families. I still have to count up all my paperwork from last night and start entering all the info (oops- "data" is the NC approved word for this, Rebekah- repeat, data, data, data, we love the data...." ) -Smile here now- We were busy! I think it went well, and the parents seemed happy, the kids more so! They loved my little tent "camp" area we had and, of course, the fish & crabs. Some of the parents were letting their kids get away with "murder," so to speak- punching (I'm not exaggerating) my real traffic light, tearing in and out of the tent, hitting the aquarium and crab's tank... Even when I redirected their kid or said "that's for the teachers only" (with the parents standing/sitting right there) they just let them go on. That's always enlightening!
Kristen and I were happy to see several of our "old" kinderkids come back to say hello to us last night (and parents too). That always makes me feel good. We have some siblings this year too, of kids we had before, which I am thrilled about! And a parent from last year that I get to have again- YEAH!- pulled me aside to tell me that something that had been wrong last year that I had tried to pray about is better now. I almost cried right there in the classroom! God, you know what that issue was and the hurt that it had caused my student and his mom; thank you, thank you, thank you for fixing the situation!
And the first kid to come in our room last night was the one with which I was most exasperated with at year's end in June. And, I was almost surprised- but then again not- at the way all my aggravation and irritation just left when I realized who it was that was hugging my legs. That's God for you! I wanted and needed to let those issues go. Please help me to let the hurt go from the grandmama too.
Well, this summer flew by, literally. And now the first workweek has too. I have TONS to do for school to be ready for the first day on Tuesday. Thank God there is still one more workday to get ready. I still have to get some things ready for my first official "grade level meeting" and do lesson plans and on and on and on... Rob and I have to go buy hooks, and he's such a good husband that he's going to go drill them into the wall for me today. Right now I have enough cubby spaces for 18, but this year it looks like we're going to be overflowing with kids, so I need some more places for kids to put their backpacks and jackets. I am going to have him help me hang up a bulletin board, pocket chart, and some crates in the bathroom too. Yeah, in case you didn't know, teachers may get "all that time off" but we actually work more hours in a week/month/year than most people ever work all year long, and we don't get paid for those "extra" hours. They're just expected of us, but not paid. Not being bitter, just stating a little-known fact.
Well, it's Saturday, my day for weekly grocery shopping, assigning the kids' weekly housework jobs, running all our errands, and doing schoolwork the rest of the day. Yeah, school's back in session. I can tell it's back to life as I know it. Thanks God for the summer and more time with my kids and husband than I normally get in the school year. And, God, especially thanks for helping me to get my attitude in line with my heart and helping me to not begrudge being back at school; little by little, I'm going to be okay and make it through this year.
Now if I could just convince my body that it shouldn't be so sore, tired, and achy! I think maybe I aged a little bit this past year- seriously- I'm not joking. I HURT!!!! I don't know how in the world I will do this until I'm almost 70! :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Love This Song!
This is my new very most favorite song in the world! It is me!!!!!!!!
Go to: http://www.castingcrowns.com/splash/altar/index2.php
Click on the play button at the bottom of the page for East to West.
Hope you like it too!
Go to: http://www.castingcrowns.com/splash/altar/index2.php
Click on the play button at the bottom of the page for East to West.
Hope you like it too!
God's Help & Will Power- Day #1
First official workday of the 2007-2008 school year. Meetings all day- yuck! I won't even go there!!! Then a very brief time left to work in my classroom before I start my evening running. There is so much to be done there and not enough time to get it all done by Open House on Friday afternoon/evening, so I'm trying to make a list of all I need to do, and then prioritize what is a "must" for Friday and what can wait until Monday.
So, for those who are occasionally reading these self-named rantings and have to put up with my silly thoughts, ramblings, etc. if you see day #2 or 3 or, hopefully, someday, 487 :) in my postings, you'll know that means another day I stuck with my plan and my goals and put myself first above school work and took care of me and exercised even if I didn't feel like it.
You go, girl, you go!
- Left school at 4:00 to go to East Forsyth High to pick up Matthew who had to attend Freshmen Orientation today and was, therefore, stuck at the high school with his dad.
- Stop for gas (duh, it uses that stuff, Rebekah!) in High Point
- Picked Matthew up @ 4:50, left for home.
- Pulled in the driveway @ 5:25. Matthew goes in to eat supper and do his chores; Robert comes out and gets in the car to go to work at the ballpark. (Thank God for kids that can and do take turns cooking for us all, and who do more than their share around the house, or we would never make it!) Fortunately for me, Barbara has Wednesdays off most of the time, or I would have had that too tonight!
- Come back home, eat supper, check email (both home & work since I didn't have time to do it at school today), take a quick peak through the snail mail.
- Leave @ 6:40 to take the kids to youth group.
- I did it! I did it! I did it! Even though I felt HORRIBLE, I went on the Y and walked 1.5 miles/30 minutes. I was praying and asking God to help me because I really did not feel up to it, but He did, and I made it. :) :) :)
- 8:00- go back to church and pick up the kids
- 8:35- get back home and start doing my "homework" for tomorrow. :)
So, for those who are occasionally reading these self-named rantings and have to put up with my silly thoughts, ramblings, etc. if you see day #2 or 3 or, hopefully, someday, 487 :) in my postings, you'll know that means another day I stuck with my plan and my goals and put myself first above school work and took care of me and exercised even if I didn't feel like it.
You go, girl, you go!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Just Say I'm Sorry!!!
I'm known for saying "I'm sorry" to everyone for anything, even (more often than not) when whatever I'm apologizing for isn't even my fault.
Well, it's obvious that gene or fault or trait or whatever it is didn't get passed on to at least one of my kids (actually more, but that's not the point here). This child has a real problem with saying those simple words, and he refuses to apologize when he has done something wrong. I knew this was an issue, but am seeing just how big of a deal it is or, maybe, just how stubborn he is! It's exasperating!!!!!!
Rob says it's a pride deal. Maybe that's what my problem really is, no pride at all! :) Ha! Ha!
Maybe he just feels that he has to make up for his mother apologizing too much, too often... He'll probably have to have psychiatric care someday for mental health issues related to his mom always "being sorry."
Well, it's obvious that gene or fault or trait or whatever it is didn't get passed on to at least one of my kids (actually more, but that's not the point here). This child has a real problem with saying those simple words, and he refuses to apologize when he has done something wrong. I knew this was an issue, but am seeing just how big of a deal it is or, maybe, just how stubborn he is! It's exasperating!!!!!!
Rob says it's a pride deal. Maybe that's what my problem really is, no pride at all! :) Ha! Ha!
Maybe he just feels that he has to make up for his mother apologizing too much, too often... He'll probably have to have psychiatric care someday for mental health issues related to his mom always "being sorry."
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
19
Today is August 19. Nineteen years ago today I was getting ready for my wedding rehearsal and the dinner to follow and finishing last minute things for my wedding on the 20th. I was 17 years old. Now today, nineteen years later, I am watching my son (who is 17) cook a Vietnamese dish in my kitchen with his friend, Thuy (pronounced -"Twee"). My how time flies!!!
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and there are a lot of things I wish I could go back and fix. I have my regrets, and I'm sure there are things I really should have done better. BUT marrying Rob Thomas was the best thing (after giving my heart to God) I ever did!
There were family members that were not really thrilled about our wedding; one of my future in-laws who said they spoke for Rob's whole family tried on the night of the rehearsal to get me to "not show up." They said they would understand, and Rob would too-down the road- if I just stayed home, and that it would really be the best thing and the kindest thing for Rob if I didn't marry him. That he would be "better off" without me in his life. There were many who thought we were too young. There were some (maybe many) who thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't!
Well, all I can say, is that we've been married for 19 years now. Longer than many people stay married, and if we've made it, with God's help, through all we have- lay-offs, no food in the house, living with family to avoid homelessness, college & 3 babies, 3 in diapers, sick kids, unplanned pregancies, and complicated pregnancies, unsupportive "watchers," financial problems one after another, moving upteen times....- than we, with God's help, will be married until death do us part.
What have we gained? Being each other's lifelong best friend & #1 supporter, a great marriage, three wonderful young people as our own children who are serving God and going to be great adults, spouses, and parents and make a difference in the world for Him, & more love than we had when we said "I do."
So, on this 19th of August- the eve of my 19th anniversary, I say:
Thank you God for my life mate & my first love who has been my husband.
Thank you God for helping us to stick with a marriage that was rough and hard & helping bring back the love when it looked like it had left us .
Thank you God for helping us to make it through those years and to love each other so much more completely now & for the wonderful children you blessed us with.
And Thank you Momma for allowing me to go at such a young age and making what had to be a most hard decision and doing what had to be a scary & difficult thing to do- signing that paper to let me marry at 17! Your decision was the right one, and I will be eternally grateful to you for allowing me to go!
And thank you, Rob, for asking me to marry you, for marrying me, for staying with me through it all and loving me so very much! You are and always will be the love of my life!
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and there are a lot of things I wish I could go back and fix. I have my regrets, and I'm sure there are things I really should have done better. BUT marrying Rob Thomas was the best thing (after giving my heart to God) I ever did!
There were family members that were not really thrilled about our wedding; one of my future in-laws who said they spoke for Rob's whole family tried on the night of the rehearsal to get me to "not show up." They said they would understand, and Rob would too-down the road- if I just stayed home, and that it would really be the best thing and the kindest thing for Rob if I didn't marry him. That he would be "better off" without me in his life. There were many who thought we were too young. There were some (maybe many) who thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't!
Well, all I can say, is that we've been married for 19 years now. Longer than many people stay married, and if we've made it, with God's help, through all we have- lay-offs, no food in the house, living with family to avoid homelessness, college & 3 babies, 3 in diapers, sick kids, unplanned pregancies, and complicated pregnancies, unsupportive "watchers," financial problems one after another, moving upteen times....- than we, with God's help, will be married until death do us part.
What have we gained? Being each other's lifelong best friend & #1 supporter, a great marriage, three wonderful young people as our own children who are serving God and going to be great adults, spouses, and parents and make a difference in the world for Him, & more love than we had when we said "I do."
So, on this 19th of August- the eve of my 19th anniversary, I say:
Thank you God for my life mate & my first love who has been my husband.
Thank you God for helping us to stick with a marriage that was rough and hard & helping bring back the love when it looked like it had left us .
Thank you God for helping us to make it through those years and to love each other so much more completely now & for the wonderful children you blessed us with.
And Thank you Momma for allowing me to go at such a young age and making what had to be a most hard decision and doing what had to be a scary & difficult thing to do- signing that paper to let me marry at 17! Your decision was the right one, and I will be eternally grateful to you for allowing me to go!
And thank you, Rob, for asking me to marry you, for marrying me, for staying with me through it all and loving me so very much! You are and always will be the love of my life!
A Hard Message for Me to Accept- But I'm Slowly Getting It
I've been working on a lesson I think God is trying to get through my thick, thick skull. Just so you now, when I get to heaven, it will definitely be on the "little bus." :)
I have felt for many years off & on, a serious issue at church. There have been times when I didn't, but most Sundays (for a long time now) I have sat and felt less Christian than I should be. Some of it, maybe a lot of it, has been my own fault. I have grown up in pentecostal churches, but I have always felt "un-pentecostal." :) I used to say that I made a better Lutheran than a pentecostal, not saying I believe in the Lutheran ways wholeheartedly either. I just quit caring to say "I'm Pentecostal." I am just tired of labels - I'm just a Christian. I believe God sent His Holy Spirit to us, and I believe in what the Bible has to say about His Spirit being in us. But I'm just not very "holy" or very "spiritual." When there is worship at church, if you are looking you will most likely find me standing and, maybe even sitting, and crying. I don't clap my hands, raise my hands, dance, shout, or praise out loud; I don't "amen" or "praise the Lord" when a preacher preaches either. I have told God so many times that I hate how He made me a "crier." But that is how he made me! I can't help it; I didn't ask to be made this way. While others speak in other languages, laugh, dance, jump, shout, prophecy, raise their hands, and a host of other ways of praising God, I just sit there and cry. Many times, I am just crying because I am happy and when I am able to truly think about God & His love and mercy, it just makes me cry for the sheer thought that the Creator of the world who is so very perfect would love me. Sometimes I'm crying because I need to be forgiven for being so sinful and messing up again & again & again. A lot of times, I am crying for all the little people I know whose lives are not so good or who have problems, many insurmountable. I carry heavy burdens for those little kids that God places in my path. I've been told by pastors that I should not be so burdened or that I am not supposed to let it rob me of my joy. I know that is true. But, Jesus wept over Jerusalem, didn't He? And when I read the Bible, I don't get a picture of Jesus walking around Israel happy all the time and smiling and just having a great time. I'm sure He did have fun; I know He went to the wedding feast (certainly a happy occasion), but my picture (maybe a wrong one) is of a Jesus who felt other's sorrow, cared about the people He encountered, and one who carried deep, deep burdens that we can never fathom. I know I'm not Jesus, but I do care about my own family, the children and families and the coworkers and friends of my children I encounter. It seems to me that Jesus was more sober and thoughtful than He was happy-go-lucky, laughing all the time, never admitting that there was pain in the world.
I know worship is something you do/give to God even when you don't feel like it. Which is again, another reason why I don't/haven't felt very "Christian." See when I'm tired and have had a lousy day, week, month, year, I guess I don't waltz into church with a big grin and act bubbly and thrilled. I've been told I'm very transparent (which I HATE!), and I guess what I'm feeling probably shows on my face. So then, I get these well meaning "trust in the Lord's" & "you can't let the world get you down" & "you have to praise God even if you are down"..... comments from people who are trying to help, but come across preachy or better-than-thou. Then there was a pastor (in my recent past) who has preached about topics or issues that I have directly talked to him about the week before. I told him about a little boy whose parents were drug users and he was being abused. The next Sunday, he mentioned someone who he had talked to this week and without naming me directly, it came into the sermon. I told him I was having sleep problems and asked him to pray, the next week in Bible study, he talked about people not being able to sleep because of hidden sins and needing to repent. I told him that all the issues I saw and dealt with each week caused me to get down sometimes, the next week- a sermon about depression and the wrongs of taking antidepressants (which I wasn't taking, but have a long time ago).... Believe me, that was when I quit telling him anything and that was when I started putting on my fake "Christian" face! That should have been when I got the message to leave, but as I already said, I'm a little slow.
At this new church, a recurring message keeps coming to us in many forms. There have been sermons, worship songs, last month- a worship video which I'm still trying to find to link here because it so got my attention!, and now today, another sermon. I'm getting it God. The message from the video & today's sermon is that worship isn't about what we get (the happy feelings & emotions- my mother's been telling me this for years!), it's about what we give. The video last month & today's message keep saying the same thing- "true worship isn't really about going to church & "worshipping God" at all; it's more about the everyday living & the sacrifices we make for others- in His name- all week long.
That's when it really started to hit me! If that is true- and I'm still working on that part- then my teaching, hugging kids and giving/getting kisses on the cheek all week long, the tying the shoes, the wiping away of tears, the "I love you's" that I say all day/week long and really mean- even when those kids are BRATS, the comforting and encouraging of worried, frustrated, hurting parents that I talk to, and the silent, unnoticed prayers I say for the children and their families- THAT is the true worship I am doing. The sacrifice (so very puny compared to those who really give to God in BIG ways) -truly one I had to work out with God- of moving out here away from three people I love more than myself (and I never really told them how much of a sacrifice that I really felt I had to make doing that- they think I wanted to go and/or that it was "the right thing for us to do.")- well maybe that counts for something with God too-maybe. Then that made me remember how many times I've walked out of church in the past year upset and told Rob, well if he/she (the pastor or some well-meaning lady) saw me at work, they would know that I do fill in the blank from today's sermon/bible study topic....
So, I've still got some thinking to do and maybe some unlearning to do too- my momma always says I've overlearned some lessons in my childhood. :) (Smile, Momma, maybe there' s hope for me yet!!!!)
I know that the bottom line is that none of us are worthy or really "good Christians;" that we're all in need of mercy & grace from above. I know that if that weren't so, there would have been no point in Christ's death. So I've just got to relearn some of those lessons that I apparently over-apply to myself. Oooh, once again, the message that "Rebekah is too hard on herself!" Boy, that doesn't come as a surprise to some who know me well, I'm sure.
So, God, here's the deal today: I'm sorry for the anger and hurt (flat out, bitterness) I have right now in my heart towards certain people- You know who they are. I don't want to be angry and hurt at them. Some of them are Your chosen leaders, and they are all Your children. I need You to help me forgive and forget and go on. I need to apply some of Your grace to my heart in this area. And God, I need to once again remember that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me- especially in the area of serving You. I need to be a bit more like my daughter- "...who cares what other people think..." in that area. And, Lord, if true worship is really what you do- as Pastor Mitch read today from Romans in the Message Bible- your day-to-day living, sleeping, walking, talking, life- then help me to see what I do for You through that lens. I am going to try to get up each day this school year, and focus my lens on You in a different way. I am going to put that day in Your hands, out loud, and when I get a child I have to restrain, personal property stolen, vandalized or destroyed, a weapon in my classroom, an angry parent, or anything else-good or bad, I'm going to give it to You. All these years of school work, I've been thanking You for the good, and blaming myself for the bad, but I'm going to start giving that to You too. Could You please help me to see myself through Your eyes? Help me to quit blaming myself for everything that goes wrong around me and everywhere else that I choose to see as my fault. Could You help me to see that I am a "good Christian" simply because I do love You and that being a good Christian is not about never messing up or sinning again, but really relying on You and seeking Your forgiveness. I need to remember that even though I get mad at my kids when they "mess up" I still love them as much, maybe even more- certainly not less!
Help me to really, truly worship You in everything I do!
I have felt for many years off & on, a serious issue at church. There have been times when I didn't, but most Sundays (for a long time now) I have sat and felt less Christian than I should be. Some of it, maybe a lot of it, has been my own fault. I have grown up in pentecostal churches, but I have always felt "un-pentecostal." :) I used to say that I made a better Lutheran than a pentecostal, not saying I believe in the Lutheran ways wholeheartedly either. I just quit caring to say "I'm Pentecostal." I am just tired of labels - I'm just a Christian. I believe God sent His Holy Spirit to us, and I believe in what the Bible has to say about His Spirit being in us. But I'm just not very "holy" or very "spiritual." When there is worship at church, if you are looking you will most likely find me standing and, maybe even sitting, and crying. I don't clap my hands, raise my hands, dance, shout, or praise out loud; I don't "amen" or "praise the Lord" when a preacher preaches either. I have told God so many times that I hate how He made me a "crier." But that is how he made me! I can't help it; I didn't ask to be made this way. While others speak in other languages, laugh, dance, jump, shout, prophecy, raise their hands, and a host of other ways of praising God, I just sit there and cry. Many times, I am just crying because I am happy and when I am able to truly think about God & His love and mercy, it just makes me cry for the sheer thought that the Creator of the world who is so very perfect would love me. Sometimes I'm crying because I need to be forgiven for being so sinful and messing up again & again & again. A lot of times, I am crying for all the little people I know whose lives are not so good or who have problems, many insurmountable. I carry heavy burdens for those little kids that God places in my path. I've been told by pastors that I should not be so burdened or that I am not supposed to let it rob me of my joy. I know that is true. But, Jesus wept over Jerusalem, didn't He? And when I read the Bible, I don't get a picture of Jesus walking around Israel happy all the time and smiling and just having a great time. I'm sure He did have fun; I know He went to the wedding feast (certainly a happy occasion), but my picture (maybe a wrong one) is of a Jesus who felt other's sorrow, cared about the people He encountered, and one who carried deep, deep burdens that we can never fathom. I know I'm not Jesus, but I do care about my own family, the children and families and the coworkers and friends of my children I encounter. It seems to me that Jesus was more sober and thoughtful than He was happy-go-lucky, laughing all the time, never admitting that there was pain in the world.
I know worship is something you do/give to God even when you don't feel like it. Which is again, another reason why I don't/haven't felt very "Christian." See when I'm tired and have had a lousy day, week, month, year, I guess I don't waltz into church with a big grin and act bubbly and thrilled. I've been told I'm very transparent (which I HATE!), and I guess what I'm feeling probably shows on my face. So then, I get these well meaning "trust in the Lord's" & "you can't let the world get you down" & "you have to praise God even if you are down"..... comments from people who are trying to help, but come across preachy or better-than-thou. Then there was a pastor (in my recent past) who has preached about topics or issues that I have directly talked to him about the week before. I told him about a little boy whose parents were drug users and he was being abused. The next Sunday, he mentioned someone who he had talked to this week and without naming me directly, it came into the sermon. I told him I was having sleep problems and asked him to pray, the next week in Bible study, he talked about people not being able to sleep because of hidden sins and needing to repent. I told him that all the issues I saw and dealt with each week caused me to get down sometimes, the next week- a sermon about depression and the wrongs of taking antidepressants (which I wasn't taking, but have a long time ago).... Believe me, that was when I quit telling him anything and that was when I started putting on my fake "Christian" face! That should have been when I got the message to leave, but as I already said, I'm a little slow.
At this new church, a recurring message keeps coming to us in many forms. There have been sermons, worship songs, last month- a worship video which I'm still trying to find to link here because it so got my attention!, and now today, another sermon. I'm getting it God. The message from the video & today's sermon is that worship isn't about what we get (the happy feelings & emotions- my mother's been telling me this for years!), it's about what we give. The video last month & today's message keep saying the same thing- "true worship isn't really about going to church & "worshipping God" at all; it's more about the everyday living & the sacrifices we make for others- in His name- all week long.
That's when it really started to hit me! If that is true- and I'm still working on that part- then my teaching, hugging kids and giving/getting kisses on the cheek all week long, the tying the shoes, the wiping away of tears, the "I love you's" that I say all day/week long and really mean- even when those kids are BRATS, the comforting and encouraging of worried, frustrated, hurting parents that I talk to, and the silent, unnoticed prayers I say for the children and their families- THAT is the true worship I am doing. The sacrifice (so very puny compared to those who really give to God in BIG ways) -truly one I had to work out with God- of moving out here away from three people I love more than myself (and I never really told them how much of a sacrifice that I really felt I had to make doing that- they think I wanted to go and/or that it was "the right thing for us to do.")- well maybe that counts for something with God too-maybe. Then that made me remember how many times I've walked out of church in the past year upset and told Rob, well if he/she (the pastor or some well-meaning lady) saw me at work, they would know that I do fill in the blank from today's sermon/bible study topic....
So, I've still got some thinking to do and maybe some unlearning to do too- my momma always says I've overlearned some lessons in my childhood. :) (Smile, Momma, maybe there' s hope for me yet!!!!)
I know that the bottom line is that none of us are worthy or really "good Christians;" that we're all in need of mercy & grace from above. I know that if that weren't so, there would have been no point in Christ's death. So I've just got to relearn some of those lessons that I apparently over-apply to myself. Oooh, once again, the message that "Rebekah is too hard on herself!" Boy, that doesn't come as a surprise to some who know me well, I'm sure.
So, God, here's the deal today: I'm sorry for the anger and hurt (flat out, bitterness) I have right now in my heart towards certain people- You know who they are. I don't want to be angry and hurt at them. Some of them are Your chosen leaders, and they are all Your children. I need You to help me forgive and forget and go on. I need to apply some of Your grace to my heart in this area. And God, I need to once again remember that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me- especially in the area of serving You. I need to be a bit more like my daughter- "...who cares what other people think..." in that area. And, Lord, if true worship is really what you do- as Pastor Mitch read today from Romans in the Message Bible- your day-to-day living, sleeping, walking, talking, life- then help me to see what I do for You through that lens. I am going to try to get up each day this school year, and focus my lens on You in a different way. I am going to put that day in Your hands, out loud, and when I get a child I have to restrain, personal property stolen, vandalized or destroyed, a weapon in my classroom, an angry parent, or anything else-good or bad, I'm going to give it to You. All these years of school work, I've been thanking You for the good, and blaming myself for the bad, but I'm going to start giving that to You too. Could You please help me to see myself through Your eyes? Help me to quit blaming myself for everything that goes wrong around me and everywhere else that I choose to see as my fault. Could You help me to see that I am a "good Christian" simply because I do love You and that being a good Christian is not about never messing up or sinning again, but really relying on You and seeking Your forgiveness. I need to remember that even though I get mad at my kids when they "mess up" I still love them as much, maybe even more- certainly not less!
Help me to really, truly worship You in everything I do!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Sore Muscles & a Lard Butt, Gutt, & More
(Warning: I do make fun of myself, as my hubby, kids, parents, sister, and most anybody who has worked with me will tell you. If this offends anyone, well- I'm not sorry. :) As I always say, "If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of?")
We joined the YMCA last month. I feel like this is my last chance to ever get any weight off and take care of me, so even if we don't have the $ I'm going to do this for me. After almost 6 weeks, I can see where I'm able to do a tiny bit more than I could. And this week, I actually am starting to feel sore muscles under all my lard :).
Just a side note- I often refer to my exercising as "taking the lard out for a walk." Ha! Ha! He! He! I crack myself up sometimes.
My goal? By age 40, to have undone as much of the damage I've done to my body as I can. If I could weigh 200 pounds or close to it, I'd be happy (I realize that's still heavy and lard-ish, but it would be a lot better than it is now!) I'd like to be able to walk more than a flight of stairs without being out of breath. I'd like to be able to walk more than 1.5 miles and/or 30 minutes without my knees and heels killing me. I'd like to enjoy exercising more than I do now. I'd like to fit into smaller "fat-lady" clothes than I do now, and be able to buy clothes at Walmart if I need to.
I have been walking on the indoor track at the Y some, and I really love swimming! After I walk- head down, avoiding eye contact- the dreaded "Walk of Shame" to the pool as quickly and discreetly as an elephant woman can in my cover up, I get in the water and try not make a tsunami in the pool. :) Once in the water, it is so relaxing to me to be in the water, and I could swim, tread, float and basically just stay in the pool all day. It is kind of embarrassing, though, when I try to swim. I am slower than slow. I mean, really, the tortoise (you know- of "The Tortoise & The Hare" fame) is sitting at the end of the pool saying to me, "My word, girl, you are slow! I got here a half a lap ago!" :) :) :) The pool is usually full of good swimmers who know what they're doing and aren't toting a vat of lard on their behind & everywhere else, so they are also faster than me and much more graceful.
But, I keep telling myself a few things to make myself feel better & to keep myself going:
We joined the YMCA last month. I feel like this is my last chance to ever get any weight off and take care of me, so even if we don't have the $ I'm going to do this for me. After almost 6 weeks, I can see where I'm able to do a tiny bit more than I could. And this week, I actually am starting to feel sore muscles under all my lard :).
Just a side note- I often refer to my exercising as "taking the lard out for a walk." Ha! Ha! He! He! I crack myself up sometimes.
My goal? By age 40, to have undone as much of the damage I've done to my body as I can. If I could weigh 200 pounds or close to it, I'd be happy (I realize that's still heavy and lard-ish, but it would be a lot better than it is now!) I'd like to be able to walk more than a flight of stairs without being out of breath. I'd like to be able to walk more than 1.5 miles and/or 30 minutes without my knees and heels killing me. I'd like to enjoy exercising more than I do now. I'd like to fit into smaller "fat-lady" clothes than I do now, and be able to buy clothes at Walmart if I need to.
I have been walking on the indoor track at the Y some, and I really love swimming! After I walk- head down, avoiding eye contact- the dreaded "Walk of Shame" to the pool as quickly and discreetly as an elephant woman can in my cover up, I get in the water and try not make a tsunami in the pool. :) Once in the water, it is so relaxing to me to be in the water, and I could swim, tread, float and basically just stay in the pool all day. It is kind of embarrassing, though, when I try to swim. I am slower than slow. I mean, really, the tortoise (you know- of "The Tortoise & The Hare" fame) is sitting at the end of the pool saying to me, "My word, girl, you are slow! I got here a half a lap ago!" :) :) :) The pool is usually full of good swimmers who know what they're doing and aren't toting a vat of lard on their behind & everywhere else, so they are also faster than me and much more graceful.
But, I keep telling myself a few things to make myself feel better & to keep myself going:
- I didn't get to be an elephant overnight; it took me years of eating big macs and large fries, & late night pizzas, going on no sleep for years, and putting my own physical needs behind everything else & just not taking care of me like I should. I am not going to get un-elephant overnight- it will also take years to ever hope to be anything close to thinner.
- I'm not going to get thinner or live to be longer, by looking at all the good swimmers and letting my shame and embarrassment keep me home and on my butt.
- And the tortoise may be laughing at me at the end of the pool, but at least I can swim! :) (By the way, before anyone who might read this worries, I am not crazy, and I do not really see a turtle at the pool- I'm just being silly old me!
So for now, I'm happy to actually be a little bit sore! That's a major milestone for me! And I'm hopeful that with the Lord's help in keeping me going through all the running and kids' crazy schedules plus the workloads and demands from Rob's job & mine, I'll actually maybe, hopefully, see a physical difference in my lard load in a few more months' time. I'd sure like to surprise my momma with a noticeable difference when she sees me at Thanksgiving! It would also make a nice birthday or Christmas present to myself to have to go out and start buying smaller clothes because mine are falling off me!
A :( Mommy Day
Yesterday was not the greatest day for me as a mom. I had a big (as in huge, tremendous, gargantuan) fight with one of my children; I lost my cool and so did they (okay, I know not grammatically correct, but to protect my child's identity I will not refer to gender here- smiles). We both lost our tempers, and we both said things we shouldn't have said. I had to really, literally, "get a hold of myself" so I didn't physically strike out and whoop somebody who is too old for being whooped anymore, and I had to remind myself that I am supposed to be an adult and need to act like one. I have to admit that I am feeling a wee bit jealous of my sister and the youth leaders (not to worry, it's nothing too serious) though. See, Jessica is "the coolest" (and I do quote)- not like me, I guess. I'm just "mom" or maybe chopped liver. Jessica & the kids' youth leaders are really "in the know" as it were. You know, I'm just mom and don't really understand how they might feel or how life is now. I was never really a teenager like them; and, of course, when I was a teen, well, it's not possible that I ever liked a girl/boy, wanted to have dates, was mad at a friend or parent (yeah, especially parents- as Grandma & Grandpa never do or did anything wrong or unfair or were grouchy, tired, overworked, etc.- they were perfect parents!), was popular/unpopular (well, I wasn't actually ever anywhere close to popular, come to think of it!).... See when I was a teen, life was all rosy, we never had problems, and my world (family, school, responsibilities, friends...) were the ideal & perfect life, so how could I possibly understand how my children might feel ? I mean really, Rebekah, how could you even think you understand!?!?!??? DUH!
I know, I know, this is part of the phase of their lives. My children do love me and do think a lot of me.... I know they will probably grow up to appreciate me and love me and all that jazz. It's just that one of my biggest fears (behind them not serving God all the days of their lives) is that they will grow up and we will not be close. I want to be their friends and stay a close part of their lives- always. I want to be there for them in good and in bad. I want to help support them (emotionally, if not with $) through college and dating and engagement, and early marriage and parenthood. I want to be there when the world gives up on them (which I hope it never does) and others aren't there- cheering them on, being proud of them no matter what- like my own momma was & has been for me. But, I am trying hard to remember, that the bottom line is/was to raise them up "in the path they should go..." I am trying to remember that it really isn't all about me anyway. I am supposed to train them, love them, provide for them, and then let them fly- to wherever that may be. I can hope and pray for a close adult relationship, and I'm pretty sure, we will actually all be close as adults, but if not, as long as they're serving God, I did accomplish what my God-given goal was to do.
And, Rebekah, don't forget, it was just a day in our lives- not the whole thing, the big picture. They do love you, dummy, and they will grow up and realize that you were there for them. Being their mom, and a true friend, doesn't mean letting them do everything they want and get away with anything they say/do even if it's wrong, and being a soft parent. Yeah, I just have to remember that love has to be tough sometimes, and I can't take the "ugly" words and countless (literally) sighs, huffs, stomps, slams, smart-aleck comments, rude things to heart too much. They don't really mean them, way down deep inside- where it really counts.
So hopefully tomorrow, or another day soon will be a better :) Mommy day for me. (Meaning, I'll feel good about my relationships with my children, and so will they!)
And God, please help me to be a better mom. God, please help me to love them like You do. Help me to not lose my own temper, but me a better example & role model of how to deal with anger. Help me to not "knock their blocks off" when they get smart with me (patience, Lord). And help me to not beat myself up so much when we have a bad day!
I know, I know, this is part of the phase of their lives. My children do love me and do think a lot of me.... I know they will probably grow up to appreciate me and love me and all that jazz. It's just that one of my biggest fears (behind them not serving God all the days of their lives) is that they will grow up and we will not be close. I want to be their friends and stay a close part of their lives- always. I want to be there for them in good and in bad. I want to help support them (emotionally, if not with $) through college and dating and engagement, and early marriage and parenthood. I want to be there when the world gives up on them (which I hope it never does) and others aren't there- cheering them on, being proud of them no matter what- like my own momma was & has been for me. But, I am trying hard to remember, that the bottom line is/was to raise them up "in the path they should go..." I am trying to remember that it really isn't all about me anyway. I am supposed to train them, love them, provide for them, and then let them fly- to wherever that may be. I can hope and pray for a close adult relationship, and I'm pretty sure, we will actually all be close as adults, but if not, as long as they're serving God, I did accomplish what my God-given goal was to do.
And, Rebekah, don't forget, it was just a day in our lives- not the whole thing, the big picture. They do love you, dummy, and they will grow up and realize that you were there for them. Being their mom, and a true friend, doesn't mean letting them do everything they want and get away with anything they say/do even if it's wrong, and being a soft parent. Yeah, I just have to remember that love has to be tough sometimes, and I can't take the "ugly" words and countless (literally) sighs, huffs, stomps, slams, smart-aleck comments, rude things to heart too much. They don't really mean them, way down deep inside- where it really counts.
So hopefully tomorrow, or another day soon will be a better :) Mommy day for me. (Meaning, I'll feel good about my relationships with my children, and so will they!)
And God, please help me to be a better mom. God, please help me to love them like You do. Help me to not lose my own temper, but me a better example & role model of how to deal with anger. Help me to not "knock their blocks off" when they get smart with me (patience, Lord). And help me to not beat myself up so much when we have a bad day!
Saturday, August 11, 2007
From My Garden to Yours With Love
Rob & I have really enjoyed our flower patches; this is yet another of the TONS of sunflowers we have in all varieties! We have every sunflower I could find seed for- dwarf to mammoth, very pale yellow to dark, dark red (like this one), striped, and even several Mexican sunflowers (which are probably my favorite out there this year). The Mexican sunflower has attracted lots of hummingbirds and butterflies! We have also seen lots of goldfinches eating our seeds on the other flowers. There's a home here for anything sunflower, along with zinnias, marigolds, brown eyed susans, echinacea, and lots of other flowers.They make me think of people and God. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round, and God loves them all. He made them all unique for different purposes. Hmmm, wonder what kind of flower I am in His garden ? :) Smiles!
Too Old For That
Barbara & Matthew are in Gatlinburg, TN with the youth group. Robert stayed home so he wouldn't miss his youth group service on Friday at the Vietnamese church, his church on Sunday, and then he got a lot of work, so it all worked out. Last night, he got home from youth group around 9:30 and was "hyper" as he calls it himself. He talked and talked, non-stop, literally- I am not exaggerating. He's always been like that, but now that he's almost grown, he describes these moments to us and often calls them "my ADD thing." He says his brain just goes and goes and his body may be tired, but his brain is on full speed and he can't stop it. He's fun to be with and a great guy to have around! He's funny and quite intelligent- even if I am his mom. He kept asking to do something- Sonic, a movie, a movie, a movie... I proposed bowling or a game, but he really wanted to go out and see a movie. We were waiting for Rob to get home from the 'Hoppers' game. I thought it would be fun to do something with him, especially since we rarely get only one kid at a time to do something special with. We looked up a movie, and by the time Rob got home the only movie still out there was in Burlington- a 20 minute ride away- at midnight. Rob and I didn't think we were up to that, but in the end, we left @ 11:30 and made the movie.
Let me just say it was a good movie, and we all had fun. I'm glad we went and made a memory with Robert. But, I am definitely not 20 anymore, and too old for watching a midnight movie out after working all day/week!
But, above all that, I'm glad I went with my "first baby" and did something. As Rob said when we crawled into bed @ 2:30- "Our days to do those kinds of things with him are numbered."
Let me just say it was a good movie, and we all had fun. I'm glad we went and made a memory with Robert. But, I am definitely not 20 anymore, and too old for watching a midnight movie out after working all day/week!
But, above all that, I'm glad I went with my "first baby" and did something. As Rob said when we crawled into bed @ 2:30- "Our days to do those kinds of things with him are numbered."
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
First Day of Work
I survived my first day back, and although I didn't feel "enthused," it was an okay day. Matthew came with me (God bless him!) and helped me move furniture and get things started on their way to being set up. I will be working my tail off to get it done by Friday with having to meet daily to get plans laid out and work out details.
So, on my first day back to work, I quickly fell right into the school year pattern:
Day 1 down; how many to go? :) Just kidding!
So, on my first day back to work, I quickly fell right into the school year pattern:
- get up early
- go to work
- come home (only today I didn't have to go pick kids up from school or sports practice or an event or take them to work- so it was completely normal)
- take a quick peak at the mail & bills & check email
- cook a quick dinner
- take kids to work & church
- while kids are at youth group, spend TOO much time at walmart getting school supplies & snacks at two different stores for Kindercamp
- coming home from work/church & it's now 10:15 PM
- now starting my schoolwork that I do at home (oh yeah, teacher's only work until 3PM didn't you know)
Day 1 down; how many to go? :) Just kidding!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
The Last Day of Summer
Today is my "last day" of summer vacation. Tomorrow I must return to Allen Jay Elementary. I love what I do, most of the time. I know for a certainty that this is my Godly calling in life, and I adore my kids-meaning students (most of the time). I enjoy working with families and being there for parents when they need someone in "their corner." I love making learning fun and new and interesting and making the kids excited about what I'm wanting to teach them. I love their enthusiasm and excitement and just being silly with them.
But I have to be honest with myself. Right now my heart is not in it. I've been worried about it some this summer, but thought "well, I'm just sort of burned out; I'll feel better when August gets here; my attitude will be better when it's time to go back." I know that my Momma and Rob would tell me that I've felt this way before, and it always works out just fine. I've had lousy years before; I've had challenges and problems and difficult students and difficult parents before. I know that's true! Then why don't I want to go back? Where is the Rebekah enthusiasm for a new year, new kids, new families, new crayons, new beginnings.....?????
I hope it comes back because I don't see how I can go through a whole year feeling "blah" about it like this.
It also hit me this morning, that this is my "last day" of summer with a "kid." I know that even though there will be a lot of changes next year when Robert goes to college, many things will stay the same. But, still, this time next year, Robert will need to be working as close to full time as he can to get $ for college. He won't be in high school anymore, and he will be "an adult" for all intents and purposes. His days of being able to hang out and run around with his mom are numbered. My first baby is really growing up and is almost there. So today, I took him with me (he even wanted to go) when I went to buy some clothes for me. He just went walking around the shops while I tried on clothes, and then we went to lunch together- Brueggers' Bagels- his choice. We talked and it was very nice. He was a nice gentleman, carried my purchases out to the car, held the store door for me. I adore that kid! :)
So today is my last day of summer. Thanks God, for a nice time with Robert, and for the reminder to do something special with him. Thanks God for a summer job that helped pay the bills. Thanks for taking care of our needs and wants and letting us go home to see family and finding a new church home and giving us a wonderful new car and, on this hot, hot day- thanks for air conditioning! I'd sure hate to sweat myself to death on this, my last day of vacation!
God, I know you know, but please help me to want to be at school again. Please give me a renewed sense of enjoyment, passion, compassion, and enthusiasm for what it is You've called me to do in this world. I sure would appreciate it Lord. And until then, please help me to just hang on to You!
With much appreciation for all You've done and with my love,
Rebekah :)
But I have to be honest with myself. Right now my heart is not in it. I've been worried about it some this summer, but thought "well, I'm just sort of burned out; I'll feel better when August gets here; my attitude will be better when it's time to go back." I know that my Momma and Rob would tell me that I've felt this way before, and it always works out just fine. I've had lousy years before; I've had challenges and problems and difficult students and difficult parents before. I know that's true! Then why don't I want to go back? Where is the Rebekah enthusiasm for a new year, new kids, new families, new crayons, new beginnings.....?????
I hope it comes back because I don't see how I can go through a whole year feeling "blah" about it like this.
It also hit me this morning, that this is my "last day" of summer with a "kid." I know that even though there will be a lot of changes next year when Robert goes to college, many things will stay the same. But, still, this time next year, Robert will need to be working as close to full time as he can to get $ for college. He won't be in high school anymore, and he will be "an adult" for all intents and purposes. His days of being able to hang out and run around with his mom are numbered. My first baby is really growing up and is almost there. So today, I took him with me (he even wanted to go) when I went to buy some clothes for me. He just went walking around the shops while I tried on clothes, and then we went to lunch together- Brueggers' Bagels- his choice. We talked and it was very nice. He was a nice gentleman, carried my purchases out to the car, held the store door for me. I adore that kid! :)
So today is my last day of summer. Thanks God, for a nice time with Robert, and for the reminder to do something special with him. Thanks God for a summer job that helped pay the bills. Thanks for taking care of our needs and wants and letting us go home to see family and finding a new church home and giving us a wonderful new car and, on this hot, hot day- thanks for air conditioning! I'd sure hate to sweat myself to death on this, my last day of vacation!
God, I know you know, but please help me to want to be at school again. Please give me a renewed sense of enjoyment, passion, compassion, and enthusiasm for what it is You've called me to do in this world. I sure would appreciate it Lord. And until then, please help me to just hang on to You!
With much appreciation for all You've done and with my love,
Rebekah :)
Sunday, August 05, 2007
God, It's Not Me!
I aggravate some of my family and probably a lot of other people who know me because I'm "too hard on myself," "don't see myself the way others see me," "don't take compliments well," and a host of other such things I've been told my a million people. But the thing is God, that I don't want them to see me. I'm full of faults and failings, and though I may be too hard on myself, everybody else is way too generous with their high thoughts of me as a person and their praise. I don't want them to see me that way; I wish I could let You show more through me than I do, so people would see that what they really see is You, and not me!
I get all kinds of compliments on my children! It's a wonderful feeling! I love those compliments more than anything! I am so very, very proud of my kids! While most people gripe about their teenagers, I really can't too much, other than the usual parent/child moments, my three teens are respectful, obedient, responsible out the wazoo, pretty mature (well sometimes anyway), loving, compassionate, generous, helpful..... You know this all Lord! And, let me stop here to THANK YOU for them!!!!!!!!!! So many thought they were "mistakes" or "accidents," and I was counseled by some to not bring them into this world, but they were and are the ONE right thing I have done in this life!
But God, it's not me that makes me a good mom- it's been You walking along with me, smacking me upside the head when I was being a dense mom, helping me to learn from other's mistakes, giving me directions/guidance/help or sending me help and guidance and, most importantly, prayers through my own momma!
I get lots of compliments from many people about my style of teaching and the way I work with kids. But God, I'm not a good teacher. It's You! Lord, You know that I've been sick to death of kids and parents and coworkers lots of times. I'd have thrown in the towel a long time ago if it hadn't been for You who wouldn't let me! It's You that makes me love those kids and their families when I'm ready to give up on it all. You help me see the past the ugly and see the real kid behind all that "yuck" stuff I have to deal with. It's You that has given me favor with parents, superiors, kids. It's You that draws my heart out and makes me give myself to little ones so much. If it relied on me, I wouldn't because it hurts too much to stick your everything out there and get it trampled on.
I'm not a good friend at all to most people. I mean to be, but I fail so many times! And Lord, I know I have failed my family (especially now that we live way out here) many times. They've told me some of the times, and I'm sure there are many more that they just keep to themselves and don't tell me for kindness' sake.
I know I'm not a good church member. I am so embarrassed to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else, but I often have HATED going to church. I'm sorry for this Lord, because I know this is not You. It really wasn't about You, but the other "stuff" that church can sometimes come to mean to other people, and the baggage I've allowed myself to pick up and the hurts I've allowed to cloud my vision. I am working on this one right now, Lord, You know that! I love to get lost in worship (especially when the lights are off and I can just focus on You), and I love to hear Your word (especially from our new pastor). I'm hoping things are going to be better at this new church, but I can't hide from You that many times in my life, going to church was just what I did because I knew I was supposed to and I should and that I would be sinning if I didn't...
I can go on and list all the ways I'm NOT..., but God You already know this. I just wish I could let You shine more and more and me be less. Please help me to not take Your credit away from You, and help me to keep on learning to be more vocal about passing on the compliments to You.
Please let Your light just go right on through me and out to those around me.
And, God, thanks for taking the "me" that I am, and making me better than I am. Thanks for making me be a good mom to my wonderful kids. Thanks for making me able to touch all those little lives I have been a part of. Thanks for giving me more time to be there for my husband, my parents, sister and brother, and friends.
I'll keep on trying.
Me
I get all kinds of compliments on my children! It's a wonderful feeling! I love those compliments more than anything! I am so very, very proud of my kids! While most people gripe about their teenagers, I really can't too much, other than the usual parent/child moments, my three teens are respectful, obedient, responsible out the wazoo, pretty mature (well sometimes anyway), loving, compassionate, generous, helpful..... You know this all Lord! And, let me stop here to THANK YOU for them!!!!!!!!!! So many thought they were "mistakes" or "accidents," and I was counseled by some to not bring them into this world, but they were and are the ONE right thing I have done in this life!
But God, it's not me that makes me a good mom- it's been You walking along with me, smacking me upside the head when I was being a dense mom, helping me to learn from other's mistakes, giving me directions/guidance/help or sending me help and guidance and, most importantly, prayers through my own momma!
I get lots of compliments from many people about my style of teaching and the way I work with kids. But God, I'm not a good teacher. It's You! Lord, You know that I've been sick to death of kids and parents and coworkers lots of times. I'd have thrown in the towel a long time ago if it hadn't been for You who wouldn't let me! It's You that makes me love those kids and their families when I'm ready to give up on it all. You help me see the past the ugly and see the real kid behind all that "yuck" stuff I have to deal with. It's You that has given me favor with parents, superiors, kids. It's You that draws my heart out and makes me give myself to little ones so much. If it relied on me, I wouldn't because it hurts too much to stick your everything out there and get it trampled on.
I'm not a good friend at all to most people. I mean to be, but I fail so many times! And Lord, I know I have failed my family (especially now that we live way out here) many times. They've told me some of the times, and I'm sure there are many more that they just keep to themselves and don't tell me for kindness' sake.
I know I'm not a good church member. I am so embarrassed to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else, but I often have HATED going to church. I'm sorry for this Lord, because I know this is not You. It really wasn't about You, but the other "stuff" that church can sometimes come to mean to other people, and the baggage I've allowed myself to pick up and the hurts I've allowed to cloud my vision. I am working on this one right now, Lord, You know that! I love to get lost in worship (especially when the lights are off and I can just focus on You), and I love to hear Your word (especially from our new pastor). I'm hoping things are going to be better at this new church, but I can't hide from You that many times in my life, going to church was just what I did because I knew I was supposed to and I should and that I would be sinning if I didn't...
I can go on and list all the ways I'm NOT..., but God You already know this. I just wish I could let You shine more and more and me be less. Please help me to not take Your credit away from You, and help me to keep on learning to be more vocal about passing on the compliments to You.
Please let Your light just go right on through me and out to those around me.
And, God, thanks for taking the "me" that I am, and making me better than I am. Thanks for making me be a good mom to my wonderful kids. Thanks for making me able to touch all those little lives I have been a part of. Thanks for giving me more time to be there for my husband, my parents, sister and brother, and friends.
I'll keep on trying.
Me
Friday, August 03, 2007
Tara, Sonya, and all the homeless "others" I've met
Since we have moved to Greensboro, I keep running into- some almost literally (that's another story)- homeless people. It doesn't seem we can go anywhere, drive anywhere, walk anywhere, or even sit in our own home without seeing someone who is homeless and begging for $ or food or something. It kills me to see them. I have been warned by coworkers to be more careful about talking with, dealing with, helping these "people." I even had one person tell me that many of these people live better than me. I've heard about undercover news stories that showed homeless people who begged all day and then went home to big fancy homes and Hummers and the like.... I don't doubt that these people might, in fact, exist. I know that many homeless people are just "drunks" or "junkies" or have mental illnesses. But, no matter what I hear or even think about why people are homeless or the problems/addictions/sins they may have in their lives, I can't get past that God loves them too, that God has blessed me too much to just turn my back.
See, I've been hungry before. Not for long, not starving, not without any hope, but hungry and without enough food in our home. I remember a time when Rob & I ate only ramen noodles (at 10 cents a pack) for breakfast, skipped lunch, and then another pack for supper so that we could buy diapers, baby food, and formula. When we got that bad off for a few weeks, I swallowed my pride and went to a food pantry. I sought other sources for food so we wouldn't go hungry. Boy, were those humbling experiences to have to ask for a handout from a church or organization because we couldn't provide enough for ourselves while going to college. We also took a lot of help from our family, without whom we would have been homeless at one point or living in a car. I don't have any idea how embarrassing it must have to be to stand on a street corner or to approach someone in the parking lot or on the street to ask for $, but I know that you have to be pretty bad off to resort to this. I know that without family and "resources" available to me and a good upbringing, I would now be in a much different place. Without God, who knows where/what I would be right now.
I HATE passing people on the street and not helping them; I hate thinking that maybe they are hungry and I could at least for one meal solve that problem. I know I can't solve all or most or even a few of their problems, but I can at least buy them a meal or take them some food from my home. I don't always do this, but I have when I could. The last time I did this, the lady ended up almost harassing us several times late at night and wouldn't quit coming. She wouldn't take food from us, only wanted $, which we could not do. We ended up calling the police on her finally because she was trying to open our door and scared me and the kids half to death. I was "warned" by the police officer about giving "these people" food or $....
So yesterday, while Robert and I were on our weekly lunch & grocery run, we met Tara who was begging in the parking lot of the restaurant we were visiting. We "missed" her going in as she went to someone else first, but before that, she almost walked into the car trying to get me to stop (this is not the first time that has happened to Robert & I). When we came out with our full stomachs, we couldn't avoid her. I feel shamed for admitting that I was going to try to avoid her as I was afraid it would be another scheme for cash. She shook my hand, complimented my dress, and shook Robert's and wouldn't let go of Robert until she told her story (nice trick). She was crying and hungry and told us where she was headed.... All she asked for was some food from the Taco Bell down the street. I asked her if that was what she wanted, just something to eat. After my last experience, I wouldn't let her get in my car, but told her to walk down there and I would buy her some food.
I will never forget her face- the look of relief that I was really going to buy her something to eat, and the look of fear that I might just be lying to get away from her. She walked on down the street, but not without looking back over her shoulder several times to see if I was really coming. Robert noticed and told me, "Mom, she is afraid you aren't coming." Robert & I agreed to pray with her before I took her in, and I am so proud of that 17 year old son of mine! We stood together and held her hands and prayed with her and for her right there on a crowded, busy street in G'boro- one of the busier, and he wasn't the least bit embarrassed! She hugged us both several times- in the parking lot and in the restaurant and cried, thanked us over and over. She hadn't had a bath in a while I could tell from the way she smelled and the condition of her hair and clothes. I told her that I was more than happy to buy her a hot meal. Told her that there had been a time when there hadn't been enough food in the house for us and three babies, and that God had taken care of me and I was praying that He would take care of her too. She was only going to order a taco, and I told her to get whatever she wanted. She ended up spending a lot more than I intended, but as we followed her afterwards for a block or two, we watched her meet up with someone else who was out begging and she shared her food with that person.
That has happened before. One time, we cooked some food for Rob to take to a guy on the corner of two busy streets begging. Rob told me when he got there, there was enough for him and one other person we had seen, but when Rob gave the man the food, he whistled and some other homeless people came down from nearby corners and they all shared that food with each other and were so thankful for what was now not that much between them all. Thanked Rob over and over. Made us feel so humbled and bad that we hadn't taken more food.
So God, I know that I've been lied to by "these people" before and that Tara was giving me a line about walking to Burlington. I know I am probably a big, gullible, sappy, dumb person who will feel badly and may appear to "fall" for someone's story. And I guess when I get to heaven, You can give me the "Dumbest, Most Gullible Christian" award. That's okay. But will You please watch out for Tara, Sonya, the man in the ice storm last winter, the lady on Christmas day, the High Point Wendy's lady, all those people who stand on High Point Road and Holden and the Randleman Rd/Hwy 40 overpass, and all the others we've met, seen, driven by, helped or not helped, but noticed and wished we could do something for? You love them too, I know, and they need You more than I could ever know or imagine. Somehow in their dark conditions, let them find You and call on You to guide them into the light and into a better life.
And help me to find ways to help "these people" and give me wisdom to know when I shouldn't and protect me from my own "stupid" but well-intentioned self.
See, I've been hungry before. Not for long, not starving, not without any hope, but hungry and without enough food in our home. I remember a time when Rob & I ate only ramen noodles (at 10 cents a pack) for breakfast, skipped lunch, and then another pack for supper so that we could buy diapers, baby food, and formula. When we got that bad off for a few weeks, I swallowed my pride and went to a food pantry. I sought other sources for food so we wouldn't go hungry. Boy, were those humbling experiences to have to ask for a handout from a church or organization because we couldn't provide enough for ourselves while going to college. We also took a lot of help from our family, without whom we would have been homeless at one point or living in a car. I don't have any idea how embarrassing it must have to be to stand on a street corner or to approach someone in the parking lot or on the street to ask for $, but I know that you have to be pretty bad off to resort to this. I know that without family and "resources" available to me and a good upbringing, I would now be in a much different place. Without God, who knows where/what I would be right now.
I HATE passing people on the street and not helping them; I hate thinking that maybe they are hungry and I could at least for one meal solve that problem. I know I can't solve all or most or even a few of their problems, but I can at least buy them a meal or take them some food from my home. I don't always do this, but I have when I could. The last time I did this, the lady ended up almost harassing us several times late at night and wouldn't quit coming. She wouldn't take food from us, only wanted $, which we could not do. We ended up calling the police on her finally because she was trying to open our door and scared me and the kids half to death. I was "warned" by the police officer about giving "these people" food or $....
So yesterday, while Robert and I were on our weekly lunch & grocery run, we met Tara who was begging in the parking lot of the restaurant we were visiting. We "missed" her going in as she went to someone else first, but before that, she almost walked into the car trying to get me to stop (this is not the first time that has happened to Robert & I). When we came out with our full stomachs, we couldn't avoid her. I feel shamed for admitting that I was going to try to avoid her as I was afraid it would be another scheme for cash. She shook my hand, complimented my dress, and shook Robert's and wouldn't let go of Robert until she told her story (nice trick). She was crying and hungry and told us where she was headed.... All she asked for was some food from the Taco Bell down the street. I asked her if that was what she wanted, just something to eat. After my last experience, I wouldn't let her get in my car, but told her to walk down there and I would buy her some food.
I will never forget her face- the look of relief that I was really going to buy her something to eat, and the look of fear that I might just be lying to get away from her. She walked on down the street, but not without looking back over her shoulder several times to see if I was really coming. Robert noticed and told me, "Mom, she is afraid you aren't coming." Robert & I agreed to pray with her before I took her in, and I am so proud of that 17 year old son of mine! We stood together and held her hands and prayed with her and for her right there on a crowded, busy street in G'boro- one of the busier, and he wasn't the least bit embarrassed! She hugged us both several times- in the parking lot and in the restaurant and cried, thanked us over and over. She hadn't had a bath in a while I could tell from the way she smelled and the condition of her hair and clothes. I told her that I was more than happy to buy her a hot meal. Told her that there had been a time when there hadn't been enough food in the house for us and three babies, and that God had taken care of me and I was praying that He would take care of her too. She was only going to order a taco, and I told her to get whatever she wanted. She ended up spending a lot more than I intended, but as we followed her afterwards for a block or two, we watched her meet up with someone else who was out begging and she shared her food with that person.
That has happened before. One time, we cooked some food for Rob to take to a guy on the corner of two busy streets begging. Rob told me when he got there, there was enough for him and one other person we had seen, but when Rob gave the man the food, he whistled and some other homeless people came down from nearby corners and they all shared that food with each other and were so thankful for what was now not that much between them all. Thanked Rob over and over. Made us feel so humbled and bad that we hadn't taken more food.
So God, I know that I've been lied to by "these people" before and that Tara was giving me a line about walking to Burlington. I know I am probably a big, gullible, sappy, dumb person who will feel badly and may appear to "fall" for someone's story. And I guess when I get to heaven, You can give me the "Dumbest, Most Gullible Christian" award. That's okay. But will You please watch out for Tara, Sonya, the man in the ice storm last winter, the lady on Christmas day, the High Point Wendy's lady, all those people who stand on High Point Road and Holden and the Randleman Rd/Hwy 40 overpass, and all the others we've met, seen, driven by, helped or not helped, but noticed and wished we could do something for? You love them too, I know, and they need You more than I could ever know or imagine. Somehow in their dark conditions, let them find You and call on You to guide them into the light and into a better life.
And help me to find ways to help "these people" and give me wisdom to know when I shouldn't and protect me from my own "stupid" but well-intentioned self.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Nothing Much
Today I said goodbye to my summer school kids. I can't believe how quickly this month ended up going and how much more fun I had with those middle school kids than I thought I would! ;) I have two days off this week, the weekend, and two days off next week before I start my next summer school session which will run right up to the first day of school. Not much break, but then you know what they say about "no rest for the wicked!" Ha! Ha! :)
I am so loving watching all my various sunflowers bloom; probably driving my family nuts with all the pictures and oohing & aahing every day over them and the new ones that opened and all the pretty colors.... But, I am having fun watching the fruit of our spring labors, and do enjoy playing with the pictures on the computer. So for tonight, here is a picture series of the sunflowers in their various stages of blooming.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Blessing
Our new car, which I named :) RosieIt's midnight, and I have to rise for another work day in just a few hours, but I have to jot myself a note. Yesterday our car "died." Today, a new car came home with us.
God is too good to even fathom, and He continues to look out for us, as He always has, even when I couldn't always see it at the time.
Today, I bought "my" very first, ever in my whole life, brand-spanking new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 36, and have never before owned or bought a new car. Most of our vehicles have been old beaters or cars with way too many miles. Thanks to family members, we have had some good used cards that we were able to use until they just fell apart. Now, I was able to get a new car on my own credit, without anyone's help or anything!
God you are too awesome, too good, and too kind to me, and I for sure, don't deserve it. BUT, I'll take it with a very heartfelt, "Thank You Father; I appreciate this more than I can say! Good night God!"
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Life, Test, or Trial- I'm Gonna' Keep on "Truckin' On!"
There have been times in my life when I thought I was going through a trial or maybe that God was testing me. Sometimes, my wise mother has reminded me, that not all troubles are tests or trials, but just plain old life. And, I have to admit, that my momma is probably right, as she often has been in times past.
Well, whatever it is- a test or trial or just life- our car broke down today on our way home from church without any warning that it was going to quit. I mean, really, it could have at least spluttered or put on a light or given some signal yesterday that it wasn't feeling well. But, it didn't. It just blew apart the transmission and we had to pray it home, literally. It was only God that we even got home; the car literally breathed its last as Rob put it in park in front of our house. Now the red car sits on the street in front of our house awaiting its final diagnosis and possible final destination. :) Dramatic, aren't I? :) Just feeling a little silly, that's all.
Our new pastor has been preaching about spiritual warfare, and today he concluded with the importance of prayer. God really spoke to Rob in the sermon, and he went forward for a time of prayer. After church, he apologized to me for not being a better "high priest" or spiritual leader for our family as the Bible talks about. We discussed this on our drive from church to take our daughter to work and then to stop at the gas station and go on home, and we agreed to make some specific changes starting today to help each other do a better job of being accountable to each other about praying, consistently and more fervently, for our children and family and our students, etc., etc., etc.... This had not more than come out of our mouths when within just a few minutes the car's transmission (and we're not sure if it's anything else) went kapoooeee!
It's sort of frustrating to me because God has been good to us and been blessing our finances as I've worked hard this past year to get them in shape. With God's help, I will have our van paid off early this fall and the car paid off by late fall, and a lot of other things are starting to "fall into place." It keeps happening that just when things start to get better, something always seems to go wrong. I know that God has helped us SO-O-O-O many times in the past, and He will helps us this time too, I am sure of that! And, as I keep telling Rob and have said to myself and even shared with my momma, when we've had car trouble or other problems like these in the past, they put us way behind, having to not pay other bills, borrow or mooch off family, pay late on other things... just to fix a vehicle. We were always behind, and now we somehow find enough $ to take care of many of the things that have needed repairs. So, we must be getting better off. I know this will be taken care of.
So, I guess I'll just start today's prayer with asking for wisdom about how to solve this car issue. I prayed a few weeks ago when this car had some other problems, and felt impressed that He had given us this car and, therefore, it is really, His car. So God, your car is broke. Do you want it fixed? And if so, how? Where? If not, what should we do with Your car? Help us to know what You want for us, and to have the wisdom, faith, courage, and ears to understand Your will today.
So, whatever the outcome, my hope and prayer is that Rob & I will pass this life event (or test or trial) with God giving us a good grade. More importantly, I want to know that I made Him proud of me for the way I handled another of the events in my life and that perhaps I can use this to shine a little light on someone else's path.
For now, I'm His "broke down, but not broken" Rebekah :)
Well, whatever it is- a test or trial or just life- our car broke down today on our way home from church without any warning that it was going to quit. I mean, really, it could have at least spluttered or put on a light or given some signal yesterday that it wasn't feeling well. But, it didn't. It just blew apart the transmission and we had to pray it home, literally. It was only God that we even got home; the car literally breathed its last as Rob put it in park in front of our house. Now the red car sits on the street in front of our house awaiting its final diagnosis and possible final destination. :) Dramatic, aren't I? :) Just feeling a little silly, that's all.
Our new pastor has been preaching about spiritual warfare, and today he concluded with the importance of prayer. God really spoke to Rob in the sermon, and he went forward for a time of prayer. After church, he apologized to me for not being a better "high priest" or spiritual leader for our family as the Bible talks about. We discussed this on our drive from church to take our daughter to work and then to stop at the gas station and go on home, and we agreed to make some specific changes starting today to help each other do a better job of being accountable to each other about praying, consistently and more fervently, for our children and family and our students, etc., etc., etc.... This had not more than come out of our mouths when within just a few minutes the car's transmission (and we're not sure if it's anything else) went kapoooeee!
It's sort of frustrating to me because God has been good to us and been blessing our finances as I've worked hard this past year to get them in shape. With God's help, I will have our van paid off early this fall and the car paid off by late fall, and a lot of other things are starting to "fall into place." It keeps happening that just when things start to get better, something always seems to go wrong. I know that God has helped us SO-O-O-O many times in the past, and He will helps us this time too, I am sure of that! And, as I keep telling Rob and have said to myself and even shared with my momma, when we've had car trouble or other problems like these in the past, they put us way behind, having to not pay other bills, borrow or mooch off family, pay late on other things... just to fix a vehicle. We were always behind, and now we somehow find enough $ to take care of many of the things that have needed repairs. So, we must be getting better off. I know this will be taken care of.
So, I guess I'll just start today's prayer with asking for wisdom about how to solve this car issue. I prayed a few weeks ago when this car had some other problems, and felt impressed that He had given us this car and, therefore, it is really, His car. So God, your car is broke. Do you want it fixed? And if so, how? Where? If not, what should we do with Your car? Help us to know what You want for us, and to have the wisdom, faith, courage, and ears to understand Your will today.
So, whatever the outcome, my hope and prayer is that Rob & I will pass this life event (or test or trial) with God giving us a good grade. More importantly, I want to know that I made Him proud of me for the way I handled another of the events in my life and that perhaps I can use this to shine a little light on someone else's path.
For now, I'm His "broke down, but not broken" Rebekah :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
My Pretty Prairie Flower
I LOVE the prairie; guess it's the romantic in me, but I have always been infatuated with the idea of the prairie since I was a little girl and read/watched the "Little House on the Prairie" books and t.v. series. :) Growing up in Illinois and living there and in Iowa for the past few years, I could just picture the open miles of rolling grasslands and wildflowers, butterflies, bison, deer, birds, prairie dogs... all as they used to be centuries ago.About a year before we moved out here to N.C., I asked Rob to "humor" me and we all went to a natural wildlife prairie reserve in central Iowa. It's not that big, relatively speaking, but it was BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! It was all I dreamed it would be (although being summer, it was almost unbearably hot!).
Being the romantic prairie-loving Midwest girl I am, I, naturally, love these echinacea flowers! So when I moved here to Greensboro, I planted myself one just to have a bit of home to remember my native Midwest by. They made it through the "bitter" winter here (ha, ha, ha) and are blooming away again this year. In fact, they're so heavy with blooms this year, that I had to stake them up with a dowel rod!
So now in the wooded Southeast, I have my prairie corner to enjoy every day for these hot days of summer. And until I can go west and see it again, with my own eyes, I will have this reminder of home.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The Ones I Love- well most of them, but not all!
Just playing around and trying to learn something new today. These are some of the people I love most in this world!!!!!!!!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Allergies or not, that is the ?.
Dr. says I have allergies. He's not the first Dr. to tell me this. This Dr. says my nose is one of the worst he's ever seen & orders allergy tests for me. I've been on allergy medicine off and on for over a year now and on this round of medicines since late February. So what do the tests show? No allergies. Which is fine- great no allergies- I'm thrilled! No more allergy medicine or problems. I've been healed!
Except why I am I having a sinus headache and pressure for three days since I quit taking the medicine? Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac or something. Maybe I just want to get attention or something and just don't realize it or can't admit it. Maybe I'm just mental.
So I am going to go back to just whatever happens, happens, and shut my mouth. Dr. wants to just treat the ear disease and follow up if I need it. Well, I won't need it! If others can put up with health issues and not complain then I can too. But I wish I understood why I have "a bad allergic nose" as the Dr. puts it (even on medicine) if I'm not allergic to anything!
I'm so aggravated and confused about myself! But, then again, what's new! :) Ha! Got to love myself sometimes! For now, I'm off to walk and keep on working on the "fat" part of me. That I can do something about, I hope!
Except why I am I having a sinus headache and pressure for three days since I quit taking the medicine? Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac or something. Maybe I just want to get attention or something and just don't realize it or can't admit it. Maybe I'm just mental.
So I am going to go back to just whatever happens, happens, and shut my mouth. Dr. wants to just treat the ear disease and follow up if I need it. Well, I won't need it! If others can put up with health issues and not complain then I can too. But I wish I understood why I have "a bad allergic nose" as the Dr. puts it (even on medicine) if I'm not allergic to anything!
I'm so aggravated and confused about myself! But, then again, what's new! :) Ha! Got to love myself sometimes! For now, I'm off to walk and keep on working on the "fat" part of me. That I can do something about, I hope!
Friday, July 13, 2007
My "Roots"
I've always had this desire to trace my ancestry on my dad's side. I knew that my great-grandparents were born on a Indian reservation in Oklahoma and were mostly Indian, and that there was more Indian blood in our family than just that, but I've never been able to find out more.
While we were visiting family in Illinois, my sister and I received a phone call and information from our paternal grandmother about our "roots" so to speak. It caught sis and I quite by surprise to be hearing this information we've always wanted to know and then to find out so much!
We, are in fact, quite a bit more "Indian" than we would have guessed. And we now know more about the nation we are from. Our grandmother even sent us the packet of info and all kinds of stuff we need to be recognized as part of the Western Cherokee Nation. We have finally gotten a piece of the puzzle and lots of the info we need to start putting it all together.
I know that the heritage that really matters is the one that has Christ's name written on my heart, and I know that the home I really long for is not here on this planet but in Heaven. But for now, this does answer a lot of questions I have always had, and it means a lot to me to have a bit of my heritage, my "roots" made known to me.
While we were visiting family in Illinois, my sister and I received a phone call and information from our paternal grandmother about our "roots" so to speak. It caught sis and I quite by surprise to be hearing this information we've always wanted to know and then to find out so much!
We, are in fact, quite a bit more "Indian" than we would have guessed. And we now know more about the nation we are from. Our grandmother even sent us the packet of info and all kinds of stuff we need to be recognized as part of the Western Cherokee Nation. We have finally gotten a piece of the puzzle and lots of the info we need to start putting it all together.
I know that the heritage that really matters is the one that has Christ's name written on my heart, and I know that the home I really long for is not here on this planet but in Heaven. But for now, this does answer a lot of questions I have always had, and it means a lot to me to have a bit of my heritage, my "roots" made known to me.
A New Church Home
I HATE finding a new church!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate feeling out of place, not knowing a single person, being unsure where to go, having to make myself be more outgoing and introduce myself and my family, and chat with complete strangers, and try to remember names and names with faces.... Did I say that I really don't like going to a new church?
Well, for reasons that I won't bore myself with here, Rob and the kids and I started looking for a new church home in April after being at our church since we moved here in August 2005. It was a very hard decision because I didn't want to hurt my children, and I didn't want to hurt anyone at the "old" church, and because we all hate visiting churches. But we did visit some. Not as much as we probably should have, and not all the places we thought we would. But, we found this church we kind of liked, and we have gone back off and on over the past few weeks. Sunday, we just knew it was where God wanted us to go. Almost from the moment we walked in, Rob & I (without talking to each other until the end of the service) were feeling the same thing and thinking the same thing. We verified with Barbara & Matthew, again, that they were happy there, and made the decision to make it our church.
Here were some of our reasons:
Well, for reasons that I won't bore myself with here, Rob and the kids and I started looking for a new church home in April after being at our church since we moved here in August 2005. It was a very hard decision because I didn't want to hurt my children, and I didn't want to hurt anyone at the "old" church, and because we all hate visiting churches. But we did visit some. Not as much as we probably should have, and not all the places we thought we would. But, we found this church we kind of liked, and we have gone back off and on over the past few weeks. Sunday, we just knew it was where God wanted us to go. Almost from the moment we walked in, Rob & I (without talking to each other until the end of the service) were feeling the same thing and thinking the same thing. We verified with Barbara & Matthew, again, that they were happy there, and made the decision to make it our church.
Here were some of our reasons:
- The kids like it. - It has an active youth group that is meeting each week with a young adult leaders. The kids seem to like the youth services, and have talked about what they studied. It has all been very sound teaching so far. And, it has cute, Christian boys- so that can't be beat! :) Barbara would kill me if she read this. Ha! Ha!
- I love the worship! It is contemporary worship & praise (which I really love) and the kids and Rob like the music too. They turn the lights way down low and the only lights that are really on are on the platform, so no one can really be focused on their neighbor... They have a worship band with LOTS of guitars, a keyboard, and drum, so that, again, is right up our family's alley.
- I know that serving God is more than just your feelings, but I can feel God when I'm there. I hear Him speaking to me in worship, and it's always been His love that I feel, not condemnation from anyone else or myself (which is the biggest source of that). I hear God in the messages, and have been encouraged by each one.
- The pastor is a "person." Let me explain. We've never really "met" the pastor as we have usually just gotten out of there when church is over, but this week when we came in the pastor came up to us, and held out his hand, and said, "Hi, I'm George." Not "I'm Pastor so & so,: or "George Whatever-my-last-name-is, the pastor here," or "I'm Reverend...." just plain old, normal guy "George." Not that I'm saying that any of those other things would be wrong or bad for a pastor to say. I'm just saying that it really struck me as different from any of the pastors we've had in a very, very long time. And I don't mean to say that all of the pastors I've known are horrible; they weren't/aren't and they each had many good qualities. But, many of them came across as superior or a bit higher than the rest of us. I've often felt that some of them truly felt like they were just a class higher with God or in society or in intellectual ability than those of us in the pews. It came across in sermons, prayers, responses to questions, and in conversations. But, on Sunday, it really got me that this pastor was just introducing himself to Rob like "Hey, I'm like you, a normal guy with normal concerns and worries, and needs..." Maybe I'm reading more into it than I should, but that's just how I felt. This has also been the feeling I've gotten from listening to his sermons too. He sits down on a stool and preaches from there- no podium, no Bible-thumping, no stomping-on-your-toes, no "holier than thou," just reading the scripture and sharing some thoughts to help you grow. It's so down-to-earth and humble and nice. It also comes through in his weekly newsletter and on his My space page (yes, I'm still wrapping my brain around that one).
- It's not a dinky church where the kids won't really have anything to be involved in or a youth group to be part of. But, it's not a giant church where we can't get to know anyone or will be just another person/body/#/tithe check.
I'm hoping it will continue to be "just what God ordered," and that we will all find our niche there. And for now, we are the "newbies," so I guess we'll all have to try to "come out of our shells" and get to feel part of this new church home.
Friday, July 06, 2007
It Was 1989
It was 1989. I was 18, very naive, and said, "I can go to college and be a mom at the same time." :) Ha! I had no idea what I was getting into or what was headed my way! I was young, dumb, and so inexperienced! I thought I could parent a child and be a student (and I did), but I didn't know that child # two & # three would make back-to-back appearances behind #one! However, I did manage to go to college and be a mom at the same time- even with three! My time was filled with being a mommy, trying to manage all our schedules (feeding, diapering, playing, etc.) with two adults' college schedules and work schedules, and fitting (cramming) assignments and projects for my classes in where and when I could. I remember my mother telling me to enjoy the children because time would go by very quickly and they would be grown and gone before I knew it. Yeah, right, Momma! How can that be possible?! They're just babies for crying out loud! I will & do enjoy my children, but is there anything wrong with wishing they were older so I didn't have so many dirty diapers, diaper bags to carry, bottles to make, toys to pick up, and sleepless nights?
Jump ahead to 2007. I am 36 years old, a mom of three great teenagers (no, I didn't kill any of them), a wife, a teacher, and still just as busy-only with different demands on my time now. And, I found out that my momma was right. I always knew she was, but couldn't really comprehend the concept she was trying to get through to me. :) (Are you smiling yet, Momma?) I am now mother to three high school students- a senior, a junior, and a freshman! Where has time gone? How did it happen so fast? What happened to all those moments I remember?
Now looking back, I can see so many moments- big & small- that we went through, my children and I. Some of them were "big" in my eyes and I knew they were, but so many more were just day-to-day events and things that were not necessarily even thought of at the time. At the time, I didn't recognize their importance in my life or just thought it was a "normal" day. But now I am beginning to see that those simple things are just as important and "big" as all the "big" memories I have. These are just a few of the moments I hope I will always remember:
"Big" Moments:
Jump ahead to 2007. I am 36 years old, a mom of three great teenagers (no, I didn't kill any of them), a wife, a teacher, and still just as busy-only with different demands on my time now. And, I found out that my momma was right. I always knew she was, but couldn't really comprehend the concept she was trying to get through to me. :) (Are you smiling yet, Momma?) I am now mother to three high school students- a senior, a junior, and a freshman! Where has time gone? How did it happen so fast? What happened to all those moments I remember?
Now looking back, I can see so many moments- big & small- that we went through, my children and I. Some of them were "big" in my eyes and I knew they were, but so many more were just day-to-day events and things that were not necessarily even thought of at the time. At the time, I didn't recognize their importance in my life or just thought it was a "normal" day. But now I am beginning to see that those simple things are just as important and "big" as all the "big" memories I have. These are just a few of the moments I hope I will always remember:
"Big" Moments:
- feeling their movement inside me
- hearing their heartbeat for the first time
- seeing their shadows on an ultrasound photo
- their births
- all the "firsts"- the first diaper, the first bottle, the first trip in the car to go home, first sounds & words, sitting up for the first time, crawling, standing, walking, running, talking
- hearing my little ones say "Mommy" and "I love you"
- going to school, and then middle school, and then high school
- learning to play an instrument
- puberty- need I say more?!
- learning to drive- YIKES!!!!!!!!
- first crushes and maybe, now or soon-to-come, first loves
"Little" Moments:
- taking naps with them when they were little-watching them sleep & enjoying them cuddling up with me
- reading stories together
- playing in the play dough or doing puzzles or building together with Lego's & blocks
- playing Barbies with them and doing silly voices
- having "camp-out" nights in our room or the living room where we watched a movie together and then all just went to sleep right there on our sleeping bags or in our bed
- watching them play on the playground and in the yard
- hearing them fight with each other and play with each other
- the "haircut" in the closet they tried to hide from me
- the candy in the Barbie helmet
- the famous "slide fight" of 1995
- the "Nascar" incident and the "white trash teacher car"
- the night conversations and walks that they were not even awake to remember, but we laughed a lot about later
- the famous "floating" blanket that nightly made its appearance on its way to our bedroom
- all the gazillions of times they came home having learned something new at school, and now all the times they learn something I don't know or can't help them with
- the water fights and pillow fights and real fights
- cooking together
- turning out the lights in the church :)
- puking on a stuck up lady at church :)
- frantically searching for certain children who liked to hide from me in Walmart under the clothes racks and thought it was terribly funny!
- going to all the games and meets and concerts, and sometimes laughing at the silly faces certain children made during the event! (and one time holding up a cell phone so a sick grandma could hear the concert music)
I knew these moments would come to an end one of these days, but I didn't realize how quickly the time would go. I was too busy washing cloth diapers, preparing bottles, picking up toys, diapering, feeding, and being a "mommy" to notice that my little ones were no longer so little. Then these past few years, once that realization sunk in, I have been adjusting to their being in "middle childhood," and I have gotten used to them developing into teenagers and being so smart and learning lots of new things. But, still, I thought time wouldn't go so fast. Instead, it's only gone faster.
Today, we received Robert's senior picture info and his photography appointment time. And it has really sunk in, for a moment anyway, that my children are almost grown. All those big & little moments will, in just a few more years, come to an end. I am about to take another of those "big" steps we parents have to take, ready or not, whether I want to or not. We've been talking college and adulthood and life plans and "stuff" (Robert, Rob, & me) this past year, but I'm slow to wrap my brain around these things. Robert knows where he wants to go and what he wants to do after graduation, and he will still be around here for a few more years, but, still, it's going to be different soon. He's almost an adult, and I have to start letting go more and more. And then, it will be Barbara's turn and then Matthew's shortly afterwards. I'm not going to get much of a break between them all or have much time to prepare for my new parenting stage.
I know there will be lots of "other" moments after this stage of parenting. I know from my own "kid" experiences, that when you have a good parent you never stop needing help/info/advice or a relationship with your folks. I look forward to all those moments, whatever they may be- eating out together as adults at a nice restaurant (& not McDonald's), meeting future daughters-in-law & son-in-law, weddings, grandchildren, college graduations, family get-togethers where I can wait on my family like my momma has done for us for years, and hopefully, most important of all to me- a chance to be my kids' friends. And there are certainly parts of this stage of parenthood that I will not miss: being "dumber" than I thought :), listening to three know-it-all kids argue with each other and try to prove the others wrong, trying to help with homework I can't even understand, running, running, running, running (it will be nice to not have to be somewhere almost every night of the week again), all that $ spent on food and clothes and school expenses and gas, all that laundry, cooking, cleaning...
BUT, I am going to miss the noise too, and hearing "Mom" from across the house, and seeing my daughter wave goodbye to me everyday no matter the time of morning I leave or the weather outside or how sleepy she is, and watching my boys roughhouse together with each other or their dad, and having Robert talk to me about his friends and school, and playing a game or watching a movie with Matthew.
I am making sure I enjoy each day I have with my children because the days with them are numbered, and I want to make sure that I don't miss any of the "moments"- big or little. I want to catch them all and fill my mind full of all the times we have had, both good and bad, so someday I can tell my grandchildren about them and so that I can look back and remember all these steps I took with my kids.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
A Beautiful World
I just got back a few days ago from a trip "home" to Illinois to see our family there. I love driving across the country. From our first visit to NC in 2005 when I was able to see the ocean for the first time, to last week when I travelled again across the Appalachian Mountains and out into the "plains" of Illinois, I have been reminded again and again how truly creative and powerful God is.
I know my travelling experiences are so minute compared to many people, and I have seen so very little of the world. But, I have seen enough to see the hand of God around me and to know that He exists.
Travel with me from NC to my native Midwest. I have seen an ocean that flows in and out as if a mighty hand pulled it back and forth like a yo-yo in steady motion. To know and feel the awesome power contained in each wave, the ability to push/pull objects into the land or sweep them out to sea, to crush boulders and shells into tiny, minuscule pieces of sand. To see the life that manages to live right at the edge of the sea and thrives in spite of the harsh conditions. To feel the constant wind blowing on your face. To watch the birds that look for food amongst the waves, rocks, plants, and sand, and to know that God is watching over them and knows their every move.
As you drive across this state, you can see the coastal plains slowly rise into the hilly "Piedmont" which, in turn, gives way to foothills and then to mountains. To see the mountains looming overhead, and to know that they are larger than they appear from below or far away in your vehicle. To fathom the number of trees it must take to cover those mountains or to think of the plant and animal life contained in those forests that stretch for hundreds of miles on end and know no state boundary. To imagine the Creator just stretching out his Hand and speaking those hills and forests and mountains and life into existence.
Then on "the other side" you do the process in reverse. Mountains give way to foothills, which yield to rolling hills which eventually level out into the plains. Let me tell you about the plains. They are beautiful when they are filled with fields of wildflowers and prairie plants (my personal favorite), but the fields of corn, soybeans, and alfalfa are also wonderful to watch grow from seedlings through to harvest. Each season brings its own beautiful colors, and I always loved driving the back roads to school to watch the farmers plow, sow, and harvest and to see the fields change from seedlings to full crops and to see the plants change from light green, to dark green, to golden. To see the storms come across the fields and watch the clouds out in the open is an awesome experience! To see for miles across the fields. To see all the little farms, barns, fields.
I've never been further west than this or out of our own country, but I hope to someday. I know there are many more wonders to behold, and each proves God's existence. I like to think of God holding this sphere of clay we call Earth in His palm, and using his fingers to mold the clay & soil into hills, plains, mountains, plateaus, seas, rivers... I can just see Him, as the ultimate artist, critiquing His own work and saying, "Oh, I think this area should be flat, and I want to put some mountain peaks here. What about a river through this area? Hmmm, this would be a good place for a lake." I know that is just my silly view, but however He made our world, He has proven by its existence that He is the most powerful, creative, and awesome being.
And, God, it sure is a beautiful world!
I know my travelling experiences are so minute compared to many people, and I have seen so very little of the world. But, I have seen enough to see the hand of God around me and to know that He exists.
Travel with me from NC to my native Midwest. I have seen an ocean that flows in and out as if a mighty hand pulled it back and forth like a yo-yo in steady motion. To know and feel the awesome power contained in each wave, the ability to push/pull objects into the land or sweep them out to sea, to crush boulders and shells into tiny, minuscule pieces of sand. To see the life that manages to live right at the edge of the sea and thrives in spite of the harsh conditions. To feel the constant wind blowing on your face. To watch the birds that look for food amongst the waves, rocks, plants, and sand, and to know that God is watching over them and knows their every move.
As you drive across this state, you can see the coastal plains slowly rise into the hilly "Piedmont" which, in turn, gives way to foothills and then to mountains. To see the mountains looming overhead, and to know that they are larger than they appear from below or far away in your vehicle. To fathom the number of trees it must take to cover those mountains or to think of the plant and animal life contained in those forests that stretch for hundreds of miles on end and know no state boundary. To imagine the Creator just stretching out his Hand and speaking those hills and forests and mountains and life into existence.
Then on "the other side" you do the process in reverse. Mountains give way to foothills, which yield to rolling hills which eventually level out into the plains. Let me tell you about the plains. They are beautiful when they are filled with fields of wildflowers and prairie plants (my personal favorite), but the fields of corn, soybeans, and alfalfa are also wonderful to watch grow from seedlings through to harvest. Each season brings its own beautiful colors, and I always loved driving the back roads to school to watch the farmers plow, sow, and harvest and to see the fields change from seedlings to full crops and to see the plants change from light green, to dark green, to golden. To see the storms come across the fields and watch the clouds out in the open is an awesome experience! To see for miles across the fields. To see all the little farms, barns, fields.
I've never been further west than this or out of our own country, but I hope to someday. I know there are many more wonders to behold, and each proves God's existence. I like to think of God holding this sphere of clay we call Earth in His palm, and using his fingers to mold the clay & soil into hills, plains, mountains, plateaus, seas, rivers... I can just see Him, as the ultimate artist, critiquing His own work and saying, "Oh, I think this area should be flat, and I want to put some mountain peaks here. What about a river through this area? Hmmm, this would be a good place for a lake." I know that is just my silly view, but however He made our world, He has proven by its existence that He is the most powerful, creative, and awesome being.
And, God, it sure is a beautiful world!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
On Fathers Day
Today is a special day that is set aside to honor our dads. For those who have been blessed with a good dad, it is a day to share love, good memories, remember, and honor their dad. It can be a hard day for those who have "lost" their dad through death or divorce or for those who never knew their dad or had a lousy dad.
For me, it is both. But, I remember that I have been blessed greatly! I had a good dad who loved my mom and his daughters. He left us too early, but I know that he loved us, tried to provide for us, taught us, and was a good example for us. He loved God, most importantly, and we will get to see him again. It hurts on this day, among others, to remember him and to know that my kids don't know him and that he has missed all the important things in their lives.
BUT, this is where I am doubly blessed. God didn't leave us all alone. He sent my mom a husband, a mate, a friend. At first I thought he was "okay," but didn't really like the idea of my mom remarrying. Then when they got married, and I had new siblings to deal with and less of my mom to go around (now I had to share her with my sister, and a step-dad, and two step-siblings with issues of their own too), I really started to not like "this arrangement." I was really jealous of Pop and his kids. I remember lots of arguments between various members of our "blended family." I was amongst that list of arguments, and I remember one really bad one where I shouted at him that I hated his guts. It took a long time, and lots of ups and downs before I decided that I did, in fact, like him. Then, I began to love him.
When my youngest son was born, whose middle name was given him to be named after Pop, I realized how deeply I did love Pop, and that he was a good dad to me and an even better grandfather to my children. He had become my dad, and my husband's too- who didn't have any kind of good or decent dad to have a relationship with of his own. When Matthew was born and airlifted to St. Louis Children's Hospital, we were told to say our goodbyes... I was stuck in the hospital, and Rob had two little ones at home to tend to, plus college classes to attend and deal with. Pop went to the Children's hospital and spent the day; he took lots of Polaroids of Matthew, and held his little hand and talked to him. He came to the hospital where I was and shared the pictures with me and told me all about my little man. He knew that I was so afraid Matthew would die and not have any family to be with him and be all alone. He knew that this would mean a lot to me, but I don't think he will ever know how much it meant to me.
As my kids have grown up, he has been the only grandpa they have known. He has tried to be at baseball, volleyball, and soccer games, concerts, awards, and a million other activities to cheer for his grandchildren. He has been their "pa-pa" and loved them, disciplined them, spoiled them...
He has supported Rob and I, even when he probably didn't approve of all the "little things" or the way we handled situations, finances, etc. He has helped us, when he could, with financial needs- bought us food, taken us out for dinner, golfed with Rob and the boys, and a million other things. He has cheered for us & been there when no one else did- supported us going through with college, being teachers, moving away (twice).
I could go on and on, but I'll stop. Pop may not be the dad that "brought me into this world," but I am his daughter nonetheless. He chose to be my dad, even though I was probably obnoxious to him more than I ever should have been. That speaks volumes about the man. Anybody can father a child into this world, but it takes a special someone to say, "I'll be a dad to these two already half grown/almost completely grown girls"- especially when he's lived with them and knows their faults... That's what he did for my sister and me.
For me, it is both. But, I remember that I have been blessed greatly! I had a good dad who loved my mom and his daughters. He left us too early, but I know that he loved us, tried to provide for us, taught us, and was a good example for us. He loved God, most importantly, and we will get to see him again. It hurts on this day, among others, to remember him and to know that my kids don't know him and that he has missed all the important things in their lives.
BUT, this is where I am doubly blessed. God didn't leave us all alone. He sent my mom a husband, a mate, a friend. At first I thought he was "okay," but didn't really like the idea of my mom remarrying. Then when they got married, and I had new siblings to deal with and less of my mom to go around (now I had to share her with my sister, and a step-dad, and two step-siblings with issues of their own too), I really started to not like "this arrangement." I was really jealous of Pop and his kids. I remember lots of arguments between various members of our "blended family." I was amongst that list of arguments, and I remember one really bad one where I shouted at him that I hated his guts. It took a long time, and lots of ups and downs before I decided that I did, in fact, like him. Then, I began to love him.
When my youngest son was born, whose middle name was given him to be named after Pop, I realized how deeply I did love Pop, and that he was a good dad to me and an even better grandfather to my children. He had become my dad, and my husband's too- who didn't have any kind of good or decent dad to have a relationship with of his own. When Matthew was born and airlifted to St. Louis Children's Hospital, we were told to say our goodbyes... I was stuck in the hospital, and Rob had two little ones at home to tend to, plus college classes to attend and deal with. Pop went to the Children's hospital and spent the day; he took lots of Polaroids of Matthew, and held his little hand and talked to him. He came to the hospital where I was and shared the pictures with me and told me all about my little man. He knew that I was so afraid Matthew would die and not have any family to be with him and be all alone. He knew that this would mean a lot to me, but I don't think he will ever know how much it meant to me.
As my kids have grown up, he has been the only grandpa they have known. He has tried to be at baseball, volleyball, and soccer games, concerts, awards, and a million other activities to cheer for his grandchildren. He has been their "pa-pa" and loved them, disciplined them, spoiled them...
He has supported Rob and I, even when he probably didn't approve of all the "little things" or the way we handled situations, finances, etc. He has helped us, when he could, with financial needs- bought us food, taken us out for dinner, golfed with Rob and the boys, and a million other things. He has cheered for us & been there when no one else did- supported us going through with college, being teachers, moving away (twice).
I could go on and on, but I'll stop. Pop may not be the dad that "brought me into this world," but I am his daughter nonetheless. He chose to be my dad, even though I was probably obnoxious to him more than I ever should have been. That speaks volumes about the man. Anybody can father a child into this world, but it takes a special someone to say, "I'll be a dad to these two already half grown/almost completely grown girls"- especially when he's lived with them and knows their faults... That's what he did for my sister and me.
Thanks Pop for being our dad!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Fathers' Day!
Friday, June 15, 2007
A Special Pair of Glasses
This one is for my family who has to put up with me, my friends, Kristen & Erin, and my principal who hired me not knowing what she was getting into. :) Just kidding!!!!
I wear glasses- have for a few years now. I have slightly less than perfect vision. Not a big deal, I use my glasses, and when they're not broken or dirty (a family joke) I can see pretty well. But, I think I may need a special pair of glasses.
You see, Rebekah doesn't always see herself the way everyone else does. Apparently, when it comes to me, I am very near-sighted. :) I know this is a common problem and that many people in my family and around me have the same issue. I have gotten a lot better than I used to be about this topic of discussion, BUT sometimes I can be really bad about it still. Like when I'm tired or am having my sleep problems, or when I'm feeling under pressure, or when I'm sick, or when someone in my family or a coworker is upset/irritated/angry/crabby/etc./etc./etc.
My momma, my husband, a few of my principals/supervisors, coworkers, acquaintances, friends, and now, even my children have told me that I'm "too hard on" myself, I need to "give myself a break," or other such sentiments. Recently my principal said that she wished she could give me a special pair of glasses that would enable me to see myself the way those around me did. I think my mother has said this same thing to me too. I've thought a lot about this in the past few weeks, and I wish she could give me those glasses too. I might not have to use them all the time, but maybe when I needed them, I could pull them out.
I know I'm a good teacher, a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom, a good_________ (fill in the blank)..., but my problem is that I want to be more than just a good___. I hate when I let people down or feel like I might have. I hate when I mess up or make mistakes or do something I shouldn't have or don't do what I ought to have...
One thing that has helped me a lot is being a mom. Seeing my kids grow up into the wonderful, Christian, responsible, respectful, helpful, intelligent, and funny young adults they are becoming has helped me realize that this is a result of what Rob & I have done with God's help- believe me, a lot of that! :) I need to (and do) take full credit for my part in raising them. I can hold my head up high when it comes to that objective in my life.
I do think I am getting better because I can say some nice things about myself now, and I couldn't have done that when I started teaching or parenting. It's just some days or weeks, I can clearly see just how far I still have to go. Guess that's why the Bible talks about "running the race..." So for now, I'll just keep my eyes on the course that's been set before me, trying to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other, keep my focus on Him and the tasks He has given me (being a Godly mom & wife, a good daughter and sister, and the best teacher I can be (not perfect, just my personal best). And if, I'm a bit "near-sighted" about myself, please be patient with me. I'll get there someday, maybe. If not, well, maybe it's okay. I mean, the world needs some "special" people in it to make life more interesting. :)
Signing off,
Nearsighted Rebekah :)
I wear glasses- have for a few years now. I have slightly less than perfect vision. Not a big deal, I use my glasses, and when they're not broken or dirty (a family joke) I can see pretty well. But, I think I may need a special pair of glasses.
You see, Rebekah doesn't always see herself the way everyone else does. Apparently, when it comes to me, I am very near-sighted. :) I know this is a common problem and that many people in my family and around me have the same issue. I have gotten a lot better than I used to be about this topic of discussion, BUT sometimes I can be really bad about it still. Like when I'm tired or am having my sleep problems, or when I'm feeling under pressure, or when I'm sick, or when someone in my family or a coworker is upset/irritated/angry/crabby/etc./etc./etc.
My momma, my husband, a few of my principals/supervisors, coworkers, acquaintances, friends, and now, even my children have told me that I'm "too hard on" myself, I need to "give myself a break," or other such sentiments. Recently my principal said that she wished she could give me a special pair of glasses that would enable me to see myself the way those around me did. I think my mother has said this same thing to me too. I've thought a lot about this in the past few weeks, and I wish she could give me those glasses too. I might not have to use them all the time, but maybe when I needed them, I could pull them out.
I know I'm a good teacher, a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom, a good_________ (fill in the blank)..., but my problem is that I want to be more than just a good___. I hate when I let people down or feel like I might have. I hate when I mess up or make mistakes or do something I shouldn't have or don't do what I ought to have...
One thing that has helped me a lot is being a mom. Seeing my kids grow up into the wonderful, Christian, responsible, respectful, helpful, intelligent, and funny young adults they are becoming has helped me realize that this is a result of what Rob & I have done with God's help- believe me, a lot of that! :) I need to (and do) take full credit for my part in raising them. I can hold my head up high when it comes to that objective in my life.
I do think I am getting better because I can say some nice things about myself now, and I couldn't have done that when I started teaching or parenting. It's just some days or weeks, I can clearly see just how far I still have to go. Guess that's why the Bible talks about "running the race..." So for now, I'll just keep my eyes on the course that's been set before me, trying to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other, keep my focus on Him and the tasks He has given me (being a Godly mom & wife, a good daughter and sister, and the best teacher I can be (not perfect, just my personal best). And if, I'm a bit "near-sighted" about myself, please be patient with me. I'll get there someday, maybe. If not, well, maybe it's okay. I mean, the world needs some "special" people in it to make life more interesting. :)
Signing off,
Nearsighted Rebekah :)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Noah
Today I saw a miracle! One of my coworkers, Maria, brought her 4 month old baby boy, Noah, by the school to see us for a little bit. That may not sound like that big a deal, but Noah has been through more than most adults have even thought of going through in his four months of life. He was born with a serious heart defect and underwent heart surgery when just a few days old. After being on the heart transplant list for just a few days, Noah received his new heart. He just came home a few days ago, and today came to school to see his mommy's workplace and meet her coworkers.
Maria even let me hold him, and he let me hold him for a long time. I just talked and talked to him, and he kept his beautiful eyes on me the whole time! He is BEAUTIFUL! Noah has the prettiest eyelashes I've ever seen- so long!
And, Maria- well she is just a wonderful mom!!!!! When a lot of people might have given up on Noah early on in that pregnancy, Maria hung in there and decided to bring him into this world! She had a hard pregnancy, and I know it must have been harder than I could ever imagine. Then to deal with all the medical problems, complications, steps forward, and then setbacks... Today, she was explaining and answering all of our questions about Noah's care. She has TONS- seriously, more than I could even count- of meds she has to give him at different times of the day. She has her own stethoscope and does a lot of the medical care - like today she had to take out his feeding tube and put in a new one. YIKES!!! I know you do what you have to do, but that has to be so hard on her!!!
Well, thanks God for letting little Noah live and survive all these things. Thanks for giving him parents that believe in the value of life and who cared about him enough to love him through the pregnancy and these hard months. Thanks for Noah!
(And on a selfish note, thanks for letting me get to hold that precious little baby boy- your miracle baby for Maria & Tim & Autumn.)
Maria even let me hold him, and he let me hold him for a long time. I just talked and talked to him, and he kept his beautiful eyes on me the whole time! He is BEAUTIFUL! Noah has the prettiest eyelashes I've ever seen- so long!
And, Maria- well she is just a wonderful mom!!!!! When a lot of people might have given up on Noah early on in that pregnancy, Maria hung in there and decided to bring him into this world! She had a hard pregnancy, and I know it must have been harder than I could ever imagine. Then to deal with all the medical problems, complications, steps forward, and then setbacks... Today, she was explaining and answering all of our questions about Noah's care. She has TONS- seriously, more than I could even count- of meds she has to give him at different times of the day. She has her own stethoscope and does a lot of the medical care - like today she had to take out his feeding tube and put in a new one. YIKES!!! I know you do what you have to do, but that has to be so hard on her!!!
Well, thanks God for letting little Noah live and survive all these things. Thanks for giving him parents that believe in the value of life and who cared about him enough to love him through the pregnancy and these hard months. Thanks for Noah!
(And on a selfish note, thanks for letting me get to hold that precious little baby boy- your miracle baby for Maria & Tim & Autumn.)
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