Reminders to Self

Memorandum
Attn: Rebekah, Dummy, Slow-to-get-it, and whatever other names I call myself
Re: Reminders to self

Just so you don't take yourself so seriously, or the situations that present themselves, please remember:

• you are blessed beyond measure & beyond words
• you are loved beyond measure and more than you know
• it's not really about you & it never was & never will be (it's supposed to be about Him, remember?)
• your life's crises (how do you spell that word?) are not really all that bad
• there are much worse things in life (& you already knew that from your own past experiences, didn't you silly?)
• you are way too hard on yourself- most others don't see you the way you see yourself
• just in case you didn't get it the 1st time- you are way too hard on yourself
• you are allowed to be "not perfect" & it's okay- only God is perfect dummy!
• everyone has troubles, stresses, and "issues" and it's okay if you do too
• it's okay if you don't like everything that goes on around you and you don't have to have everyone like you either
• you are not a failure to God or to yourself or family if you mess up- He will still love you & so will they

Please take note of the above when you are feeling low about yourself or your situations at school, home, family, or whatever else bugs you!

Butterfly, Butterfly

Our Mexican sunflowers have attracted TONS, literally, of butterflies and hummingbirds. This past weekend there were maybe a dozen of these beautiful swallowtails in our flower patch. Robert and I were having an interesting time trying to catch them on the camera! We even found this guy, which was a kind of swallowtail I had never seen, but loved!

Mad!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so mad, irritated, aggravated, and frustrated tonight, I can't even hardly think straight, let alone make much sense to anyone besides myself, but I have to write and get this thing out of my system.

Sometimes I HATE Rebekah and who she is, the way she is, the way she acts/talks/sounds/feels... And today is one of those days! My pal, as I call my assistant and friend, Kristen, laughed at me today (not laughing at me like being mean, but just trying to help me feel better and laugh at myself and not be so upset kind of laugh) because I was being so "psycho" as I call it. I definitely have an obsessive/compulsive thing going on, I've decided, when it comes to how I think people feel/think about me and how I want to be- you know, perfect. My dear momma & sister have tried to get me to "get over myself" as it were and quit being such a perfectionist about these things. They have numerous times talked to me about how I set such high standards for myself and have a double standard when it comes to others & myself. See in Rebekah-world, everyone else is allowed to make mistakes and be human, get grouchy, whatever, but if I don't get the A++ at everything I do, then I feel like I've totally and completely failed and am the world's worst person.

What brought all this on today? It started when our principal came into our classroom this morning, as she often does in the beginning of the school year. When she stayed a bit longer than she normally does, it didn't really register much with me as I think/hope she thinks highly of me and I was way too busy dealing with a screaming/crying child and a classroom full of active kinders to really notice the time or what she was doing. I did notice, though, when I realized she was squeezing past my desk where I had stashed the yet unused pocket chart stands (that I was going to start using an hour or so later). Then I saw Kristen frantically changing our emergency exit signs and re-attaching them to the walls and thought "Hmmm, wonder why she's doing that now?" Duh, Rebekah! You're such an idiot sometimes! That should have been a tip off- when Kristen asked me a question about whether they were right or not right in the middle of me teaching I should have noticed and registered that there was a problem. Sometimes, I'm just not the brightest crayon in the box! The thing that finally tipped me off that something was up, was when I saw my principal looking in the kids' bathrooms and realized she was making notes on a clipboard. But, again, I was too busy trying to get the kids settled, explain our day and get to library class on time to really do much about it, get overly concerned, or ask Dawn what was up.

Then, later in the day, Kristen brought me my "walkthrough evaluation" which was in my mailbox. Yeah, yeah, Momma & Sis, there were positives on it, BUT, there were more negatives on it than I've probably ever had on an evaluation ever! And I'm not exaggerating! I don't mean this to sound conceited, but I'm just not used to that, and I didn't like it. Not to mention, that I feel like it was nit picky stuff to boot. So what that she marked how warm & welcoming an environment my room continued to be or that she checked that I had kind & respectful interactions with the students. That's what I'm supposed to do, and isn't that what really counts!?!?!? Yeah, I think that's what really gripes me tonight, is that. Shouldn't a principal, and her higher-ups be more concerned about watching how a teacher teaches and works with her students in the first five days than how her room looks or what percentage of the wall space is covered? or how her bulletin boards look? or whether her storage cabinet whose door was missing when she arrived has it full of teaching materials, books, displays, rewards, etc.? or whether student backpacks might have been falling out of their cubbies at the time she was being observed? or whether the teacher kept an extra set of lesson plans in plain view on her desk for any rare district visitor instead of carrying them with her on a clipboard so she could actually use them? or whether her room was perfectly organized?

I got "checked" for having things on the walls in addition to the bulletin boards. Hmmm, imagine that! A kindergarten (or any teacher for that matter) using the wall space to help display all the info/student work/etc. that they can. SHOCKING!!!! And, after looking around, Kristen and I were a little confused about what the big deal was. I have a pocket chart on one wall & one on the white board for center "teams." I have a display area near the bathrooms on the wall (which I'm guessing is the problem- but then again, why should I have to guess?). I have a # bulletin board set attached to the wall above the sink so the kids can have something educational to look at and it can help teach/reinforce the #s. Down those will be coming bright & early in the A.M. I have the traditional alphabet "frieze" hanging up; maybe I better take that down too. I would hate to have the kids looking at that. There is my "clown" on the backdoor that we use for whole class behavior incentive and the student-made fire escape poster. Yeah, that's definitely too much. Down with it too! The computer program poster I made to help kids keep track of their progress on the school mandated educational software. Yeah, that too- wouldn't want them to get excited about their level of work or progress this year. Okay, so that's the walls. I got it. Basically, I'm going in an hour early tomorrow to take everything that's not anchored into the concrete off the walls. BUT, I refuse to take down my pocket charts, my clown, and my real stoplight!

Let's see what else? I got "checked" for not having student "artifacts" on display in the room. Okay, first may I say, that I always in all my 13 years of teaching have posted something from the first day up on a bulletin board. But this year, we decided to do something different with the bulletin board space for the first month and I didn't have it available to me for that purpose. But, more importantly, in these first five days, I haven't had a time when I could sit down and really do a project to put up. I've had one little boy who spent the first few days alternately kicking, hitting, scratching, and biting me and then falling apart because he wanted his mommy. I had to spend over an hour the first day in a full restraint. I've had to keep constant vigil because he is a runner and already ran away from me on the first day of Kindercamp. Then, as if that wasn't enough, I have another child who has been through severe emotional trauma & everyday (I kid not) has been spent trying to help him cope and dealing with his screaming and crying and kicking and tantrums all (I did mean all) day long for all five days! Oh, and add to that the fact that Kristen and I both had a nasty, really bad, stomach flu two days last week, but we came on in anyway and tried to do our best. Hmmm, let me see, I decided somewhere along the first 10 minutes on the first day that any "cute" plans I had for projects were going to have to go the wayside for a few days until I could get my students comfy with me and school and better acclimated. I didn't ever actually think about this out loud like, it just sort of happened that way. Not that we haven't been doing anything or learning. I could have pulled out a book and made copies of some worksheet or ditto for them and put that up, but I didn't think that was really appropriate either. We've made lots of "artifacts" in clay, blocks, and pictures they took home for their families from their first days. And I've taken lots of pictures too, and just haven't been able to get to Walmart to get them developed.

I count it a blessing that Kristen (mostly) and I have gotten some little assessments done in these first five days, that today was the first day we had an absence, that our one little boy is doing much better, that the other is making slow baby steps toward improvement, that the kids are getting each other's names down much faster than I've ever seen a group do, that they are learning how to do many things better: clean up, work in stations, move around campus, the whole lunch drill, sitting on the carpet, and a ton of other little daily routine things that make our days run so much more smoothly.

I guess that is what upsets me so much about it all. I know my boss is probably just "doing her job" but she never has been like that before. Not that I haven't had much worse! It's just been a while, and I've gotten spoiled. I'm sure she's probably gotten it from somewhere higher up the "food chain" in our lovely county educational system, but I still think it stinks!!!! Somewhere, someone has forgotten that what really matters is not the teachers' cabinets, teachers' desks, what percentage of the wall is covered/not covered or if there are things hanging from the ceiling (a big no-no here in this county), but that a teacher knows her students and their needs and that she is good to them, cares for them, and does everything she can to meet those needs. That she makes her classroom a warm "home" for her kids to come and be loved and taken care of while they learn and grow.

So, this is my plan. I am, seriously, going in early tomorrow. Here is what I plan to do:

1. I'm taking everything but my pocket charts, stoplight, and "clown" down off the walls.
2. As soon as I can afford and get to the store, I'm putting my pictures up, which I was planning on doing anyway.
3. I'm finishing the "project" we're doing in math (which we had been doing anyway) and when it is done next week, I'm putting it up. Until then, whoever can just -forgive me Lord and all those who may read and be offended- take a big, honking bite out of my white, fat (and it is huge!) butt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Then, I'm going to teach my heart out and love my kids with everything I've got in me, like I would whether or not this had happened.
5. When I have the $ and time, I will buy some "tubs" to more aesthetically store my many teaching materials so that the corner where my stuff is stored will be pleasing to the eyes of all who enter my room. Until then, she can see # 3 above. I'm not apologizing again though.

So, there it is. I'm still mad. But maybe that's a good thing. Rebekah has always been a door mat, and one of my personal goals for this school year (since I'm also the new grade level chair) is to actually grow and use a spine. To put my kids first above all work-related things! To stand up for myself, to say no and mean it, to know my limits and stick to them, to take care of myself (physically and emotionally). And I know me, unless I'm really, really upset about something, I'm not likely to do any of these things. So maybe it's okay to be mad. At least, for tonight, I'm giving myself permission to be mad.

Yeah, for tonight, I'm going to be human and not make myself be perfect. It's okay Rebekah! And girl, you are a good teacher, even if you're not the most organized or neat one. So quit beating yourself up!!!!!!!

Labor Day Weekend

It's 4:30 on Labor Day, and I have to be in bed sometime before 6 AM tomorrow. :) I've had a nice weekend overall, and I have gotten a lot done, but it's not going to be enough when bedtime comes calling. Oh well, such is the way of my life (as I'm sure most people also are), and what's new really? :)

This weekend I have been recovering from a BAD, did I say horrible, terrible, awful stomach flu. My pal and assistant, Kristen, and I both had it starting on Thursday. We drug our sorry selves into school on Friday because two little boys in our room need us there. I freaked all my new kids out at school by barfing into the garbage can several times and trying to hide the fact that puke was coming out my hose all while teaching a small group lesson on how to properly use the scissors and glue stick to a table full of Kinders. !!! YUCK !!! One little girl just got up and moved her chair clear across the room after sitting there with eyes clinched tight and her fingers in her ears!

Saturday brought me a checkbook that was three weeks past due for balancing (Yeah, school's back in session!), a pile of bills to pay and a new budget to figure out for the year. I skipped the usual grocery run and saved it for today instead, but finally decided to switch Internet providers. I won't bore myself or anyone else with the details, but it was a nightmare. Thankfully, God sent us a wonderful salesman who came to our house last night and made it all work, spent over two hours at our house getting all the pieces and parts working, even gave us an expensive gizmo (free of charge!) to make my desktop computer wireless! If you ever hear of Clearwire, check them out. They are WAY cheaper than the phone company around here anyway!

Oh, and all this computer stuff led me to bug Rob (sort of) into completely rearranging two rooms in the house. So for my parents, sister, and mom-in-law, the living room is now our computer room and the family room is, well, even nicer now and we hope as we can over the next year or two to buy some furniture to make it look good and be more comfy when you come visit us. :) Be patient with us on that one; we've got a few more payments on the van before we can, but maybe by graduation time. :) :) :)

I've got so much to do for grade level this week (I am the new grade level chair & leadership rep- big thrill), and I still don't have my own lesson plans done or any of the prep work for this week. Still have supper to do and we have to finish setting up our new phone with this sales guy who is coming back by this evening to finish that part.

So much for my extra day off. But at least I spent a lot of time with the kids and Rob and took care of things around here. I may not be ready for school, but I was a good wife and mom this weekend, and Rebekah even rested, went to bed earlier on Friday night and read a few pages in a book! WOW! Happy Labor Day!

Such As These

Dear God,
I know You have a special place in Your heart for children, and I know You are able to do all things. And, tonight, God my heart is heavy for two little ones, especially, that You've placed in my care this year. You know who they are. Kristen and I have marked one of their chair's with Your name on a post-it just as a symbol. I know it's just a paper with words, but You said that Your word would not go void. Your name is part of Your word. And You said to the disciples many important things about little children "such as these." So, God, tonight while these little ones are at home playing, eating, preparing for a new day in Kindergarten, sleeping, could You please put Your hand upon them, prepare them for the new day that will come, heal the damage that's been done in one life, and help give them hope and happiness for a day filled with fun and learning with their crazy teacher? Could You help them to be able to say "goodbye" to their family and know that at the end of the day, it will be okay? That they are safe with me and that I love them and will take care of them. Please, God, could You help my students? Remove the scars in a life so young and bring Your peace to a little one who should not be so scarred already? Please will You give this tired teacher wisdom beyond my years and learning and help me to know what to say and do and be able to bring comfort that will last for the day and not just a few moments. Just comfort them through me, please God?

Mile Markers

You've seen a mile marker before, I know. They mark the road to tell you how far you've come on your journey down a particular road. Sometimes you watch them tick by- if you're bored or really concentrating on the trip. Sometimes they zip by you unnoticed, until the next thing you know, you're a lot further down the road than you knew.

Parenting, I've learned, is a journey down a long, and winding road. There are many mile markers along the path- first smile/steps/words, first day of school, riding a bike without training wheels..... and so on and so on. Sometimes, you really notice these milestones and celebrate them. Sometimes they slip by, and just seem like part of the day-to-day scenery. After you've seen trees or mountains or corn fields for hours, you start to take them for granted. "Yeah, another field, another pretty view..."

Well, I know I've dozed off on the parenting trip, been so busy that I didn't notice some important things, been too stressed to really appreciate all those little moments, but I'm wide awake and fully aware of the "big" things that are happening and about to happen in my house in the upcoming months.

Tomorrow, my youngest "baby" begins high school! I sat here tonight and remembered the day I stood with him on the elementary school playground waiting for the bell to ring so he could go into kindergarten. I had tears in my eyes and was trying not to cry. He looked so big and yet so small, and he was a little nervous but a lot excited. He was so proud to be going to school like his brother and sister! Where has time gone? How is it possible that little boy is now going off to high school with his dad tomorrow? With this realization, also comes the other that if all those years went by so quickly and right under my nose, than these next few will go even faster, and it will all be over before I have had time to take it all in.

This week, my middle "baby" and only baby girl, will start her IB journey; a road trip of her own that will prepare her for rigorous academic work, for college, and for whatever path she allows God to lead her down. She will begin the long trip of looking at, comparing, and choosing her college and her adult work field. I don't know what path she's going to take, but I look forward to watching her make those choices in the next year or two. And hopefully to being able to be a part of that process with her. It will soon be her time to prepare for graduation and all those "big" moments that are just waiting on the sidelines for her.

This week, my oldest "baby" will enter high school for his last year- a senior. How can this be? He is 17 and has made his career & college choices. We've had his senior picture day and received his proofs; now we have to order our first set of senior pictures. Soon will follow graduation announcements or invites or whatever they're called now. He will soon have to enter the adult world; he will have to find a way to fund a used car and insurance before this school year is out, and by next summer he will need to be working full time so he can pay for his expenses and his first year of college. This year I will get to help him apply for college and financial aid. It really hits me funny! It was 20 years ago that I was a senior in high school, and my mom was going through all these important events, plus she was helping me to plan and pay for a wedding. YIKES!!! How my momma must have felt! Robert will graduate almost 20 years to the day from when I did.

Yeah, I'm not missing these mile markers! I see them, and I'm counting them go by one by one; they fly by faster and faster with each year my kids have grown. Here in our city, the mile markers count down the 1/10s of miles in the city; that's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm watching every little bit of the road go zipping by me at a fast pace. I hope I can make these next few weeks, months, last years be the best for all of us. I hope I can cram so many memories in all of our minds so we'll have them to cherish down the road when we're somewhere else on the path of life.

Sometimes the parenthood journey has been hard, even painful. I've felt like a lousy parent so many times I can't even count them all. There have been times, the scenery wasn't so pretty and the path we were travelling on got really hard. But this has been the most rewarding journey I could have ever taken. The rewards and enjoyment have far and beyond outweighed the trials and hardships. When my children move on down their own paths, I know we will still meet on the road and still see each other- maybe at rest areas, maybe at campgrounds, maybe just waving at each other as they pass me by in the fast lane. :) I'll miss them terribly; my house will be so quiet and boring without them, but I know I'll adjust to that part of my journey too. I'll learn to enjoy that scenery. I will get to see things and go places on my journey that I haven't gotten to yet because I was a mom. I'll be able to tell my kids about my new trip and can share things with them as they begin their parenthood journey.

But for now, I'm just going to enjoy this last leg of my "mommy" trip. The end is getting closer. And, yes, kids, "We're almost there now."

My Journey to a New Attitude

Let me start by saying that I'm "different" than most of the teachers I know and most of the ones I work with. I know some of them (maybe all for all I know) think and have told me that I'm too "soft" with the kids. I get the feeling/impression that they think I'm a real pushover. But I'm not. I'm just different.

See some of the ladies I work with are much more assertive about themselves than I am. They are confident about themselves, voice their feelings and opinion more freely, and are very firm. They set boundaries and sometimes they are loud with their students. That's what works for them- their style. I'm cool with that. It's just not me. I think if they spent time in my room, they would see that although I am different, what works for me works for me- if you get my drift.

I'm a lover, I guess, when it comes to kids. I am just too much of a mom to be anything else anywhere else- even getting called "Big Mama" once last year- that's another blog I should write. I am always hugging on my kids, letting them crawl up in my lap, praising & complimenting and rewarding (this drives one of my coworkers crazy with me- I think she really hates that about me)... And when I discipline it's not with yelling or berating, it's, I don't know, "softer" I guess. Oooh, so I guess maybe I am soft compared to the rest of my grade level, but I wish they wouldn't judge me that way because it works for me. Duh, Rebekah, like you're always telling your "home kids" and your "school kids", "Just because someone says something, doesn't make it so." :)

But, this week I changed; some of the others working Kindercamp noticed it too. I noticed it after I heard myself talking to a child. Now don't worry- I didn't yell, scream, have a fit, or put a child down. But I did hear my voice sounding much more firm, and I thought to myself , "Boy, that teacher's not going to take crap off anyone!" Then I realized it was me that was talking. :) Hmmmm....

We were talking about this, and Kristen commented on how I changed a little, and that got me to thinking. I wonder if coming back with a bit of attitude/hurt/aggravation/"chip on my shoulder" still from last year's "fun" (not!) maybe is actually good. Maybe that will help me not be quite so much to look the other way, allow kids to "mess up" quite so much, allow parents to walk all over me like a door mat (which is really an issue more than anything else probably)...

So, I think (not sure yet) that maybe I do have a new attitude. Now I just have to figure out how to match that attitude with my action- what action am I going to take? I can see I have some issues in my new students (got that much from Kindercamp) but what will I do when someone can't keep his hands off other people? Wants to go to the bathroom with a little girl? Won't line up when the teacher calls on the playground?

Then, on my ride home from school last night, I was thinking about all this and listening to see if God had any input, and it "occurred" to me (like it usually does when God is trying to talk to me) that maybe, just maybe all that ugliness I had to deal with last year that wore me out, made me emotionally tired, and maybe even a little "burned out"- boy I hate that phrase- had to happen to make me toughen up a bit. If that's right it took a lot of years and a lot of "hurts," frustrations, and tears as a teacher (believe me, there have been too many kids & parents to even begin to name here) to get to this point- quite a journey. Then I started crying, which is a sure sign God is around somewhere nearby- and I thought about that all the way home.

I always try to look for why God placed me in the lives of my students, and what can I do for them to make their life better and help them be their best and show them His love...., but it rarely occurs to me that maybe God is there, at school, for me too (I struggle with knowing that this is my "God call" in life but yet thinking that it is not "God's work" or that He would even bother to notice me or my work for Him- I can't tell you how many times I left church feeling like a failure because the message was about how our "jobs" aren't spiritual work and we needed to do more).

Now that I'm writing all this out, He reminded me of my earlier lesson with Denise who taught me that He is watching and He is in my classroom and He can speak through "the mouths of babes." And, maybe though I'm there to serve those little people and their families, maybe I can get something out of it for me too. Yeah, just maybe :) (Smile- I'm being a smart-aleck). Okay, God, so I'm starting to get it.

God, be patient with me, I'm still working on all this, and trying to understand it all and get what it is You want me to from it. Please remember, I'm riding on the "little yellow bus" to heaven, and I need extra time and accommodations since I'm a slow learner. :) I know, God, I'm a nut, but hopefully I make You laugh sometimes. :)
Your nutty child,
Rebekah :)
P.S. Thanks for the new attitude; help me to keep it, okay God? And maybe even use with a few adults in my life???

Open House

Yesterday was a long day! Kristen, Tijuana, Sarah, and I had to work the last day of Kindercamp, get our rooms ready for Open House, and attend Open House. Ugh! I'm wiped out! The day went from 7:15 until 7:00, then I stayed and worked and talked with Kristen and Erin until 8:30.

Our room was crammed more full than I think it's ever been since I've been here. Out of the 21 students we have enrolled in our class, I think we had 17 or 18 come with their families. I still have to count up all my paperwork from last night and start entering all the info (oops- "data" is the NC approved word for this, Rebekah- repeat, data, data, data, we love the data...." ) -Smile here now- We were busy! I think it went well, and the parents seemed happy, the kids more so! They loved my little tent "camp" area we had and, of course, the fish & crabs. Some of the parents were letting their kids get away with "murder," so to speak- punching (I'm not exaggerating) my real traffic light, tearing in and out of the tent, hitting the aquarium and crab's tank... Even when I redirected their kid or said "that's for the teachers only" (with the parents standing/sitting right there) they just let them go on. That's always enlightening!

Kristen and I were happy to see several of our "old" kinderkids come back to say hello to us last night (and parents too). That always makes me feel good. We have some siblings this year too, of kids we had before, which I am thrilled about! And a parent from last year that I get to have again- YEAH!- pulled me aside to tell me that something that had been wrong last year that I had tried to pray about is better now. I almost cried right there in the classroom! God, you know what that issue was and the hurt that it had caused my student and his mom; thank you, thank you, thank you for fixing the situation!

And the first kid to come in our room last night was the one with which I was most exasperated with at year's end in June. And, I was almost surprised- but then again not- at the way all my aggravation and irritation just left when I realized who it was that was hugging my legs. That's God for you! I wanted and needed to let those issues go. Please help me to let the hurt go from the grandmama too.

Well, this summer flew by, literally. And now the first workweek has too. I have TONS to do for school to be ready for the first day on Tuesday. Thank God there is still one more workday to get ready. I still have to get some things ready for my first official "grade level meeting" and do lesson plans and on and on and on... Rob and I have to go buy hooks, and he's such a good husband that he's going to go drill them into the wall for me today. Right now I have enough cubby spaces for 18, but this year it looks like we're going to be overflowing with kids, so I need some more places for kids to put their backpacks and jackets. I am going to have him help me hang up a bulletin board, pocket chart, and some crates in the bathroom too. Yeah, in case you didn't know, teachers may get "all that time off" but we actually work more hours in a week/month/year than most people ever work all year long, and we don't get paid for those "extra" hours. They're just expected of us, but not paid. Not being bitter, just stating a little-known fact.

Well, it's Saturday, my day for weekly grocery shopping, assigning the kids' weekly housework jobs, running all our errands, and doing schoolwork the rest of the day. Yeah, school's back in session. I can tell it's back to life as I know it. Thanks God for the summer and more time with my kids and husband than I normally get in the school year. And, God, especially thanks for helping me to get my attitude in line with my heart and helping me to not begrudge being back at school; little by little, I'm going to be okay and make it through this year.

Now if I could just convince my body that it shouldn't be so sore, tired, and achy! I think maybe I aged a little bit this past year- seriously- I'm not joking. I HURT!!!! I don't know how in the world I will do this until I'm almost 70! :)

Love This Song!

This is my new very most favorite song in the world! It is me!!!!!!!!

Go to: http://www.castingcrowns.com/splash/altar/index2.php

Click on the play button at the bottom of the page for East to West.

Hope you like it too!

God's Help & Will Power- Day #1

First official workday of the 2007-2008 school year. Meetings all day- yuck! I won't even go there!!! Then a very brief time left to work in my classroom before I start my evening running. There is so much to be done there and not enough time to get it all done by Open House on Friday afternoon/evening, so I'm trying to make a list of all I need to do, and then prioritize what is a "must" for Friday and what can wait until Monday.

• Left school at 4:00 to go to East Forsyth High to pick up Matthew who had to attend Freshmen Orientation today and was, therefore, stuck at the high school with his dad.
• Stop for gas (duh, it uses that stuff, Rebekah!) in High Point
• Picked Matthew up @ 4:50, left for home.
• Pulled in the driveway @ 5:25. Matthew goes in to eat supper and do his chores; Robert comes out and gets in the car to go to work at the ballpark. (Thank God for kids that can and do take turns cooking for us all, and who do more than their share around the house, or we would never make it!) Fortunately for me, Barbara has Wednesdays off most of the time, or I would have had that too tonight!
• Come back home, eat supper, check email (both home & work since I didn't have time to do it at school today), take a quick peak through the snail mail.
• Leave @ 6:40 to take the kids to youth group.
• I did it! I did it! I did it! Even though I felt HORRIBLE, I went on the Y and walked 1.5 miles/30 minutes. I was praying and asking God to help me because I really did not feel up to it, but He did, and I made it. :) :) :)
• 8:00- go back to church and pick up the kids
• 8:35- get back home and start doing my "homework" for tomorrow. :)

I just wanted to record tonight (for myself for another time when I'm down on myself) that even though I was tired, not feeling good, and very busy, I (Rebekah Rose Thomas) asked God for help, did the right thing, mastered my will power, and took care of me. Now, my next goal for this evening is to go to bed very, very soon! :)

So, for those who are occasionally reading these self-named rantings and have to put up with my silly thoughts, ramblings, etc. if you see day #2 or 3 or, hopefully, someday, 487 :) in my postings, you'll know that means another day I stuck with my plan and my goals and put myself first above school work and took care of me and exercised even if I didn't feel like it.

You go, girl, you go!

Just Say I'm Sorry!!!

I'm known for saying "I'm sorry" to everyone for anything, even (more often than not) when whatever I'm apologizing for isn't even my fault.

Well, it's obvious that gene or fault or trait or whatever it is didn't get passed on to at least one of my kids (actually more, but that's not the point here). This child has a real problem with saying those simple words, and he refuses to apologize when he has done something wrong. I knew this was an issue, but am seeing just how big of a deal it is or, maybe, just how stubborn he is! It's exasperating!!!!!!

Rob says it's a pride deal. Maybe that's what my problem really is, no pride at all! :) Ha! Ha!

Maybe he just feels that he has to make up for his mother apologizing too much, too often... He'll probably have to have psychiatric care someday for mental health issues related to his mom always "being sorry."

Special Day

Today, I have been married to my best friend for 19 years!

19

Today is August 19. Nineteen years ago today I was getting ready for my wedding rehearsal and the dinner to follow and finishing last minute things for my wedding on the 20th. I was 17 years old. Now today, nineteen years later, I am watching my son (who is 17) cook a Vietnamese dish in my kitchen with his friend, Thuy (pronounced -"Twee"). My how time flies!!!

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and there are a lot of things I wish I could go back and fix. I have my regrets, and I'm sure there are things I really should have done better. BUT marrying Rob Thomas was the best thing (after giving my heart to God) I ever did!

There were family members that were not really thrilled about our wedding; one of my future in-laws who said they spoke for Rob's whole family tried on the night of the rehearsal to get me to "not show up." They said they would understand, and Rob would too-down the road- if I just stayed home, and that it would really be the best thing and the kindest thing for Rob if I didn't marry him. That he would be "better off" without me in his life. There were many who thought we were too young. There were some (maybe many) who thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't!

Well, all I can say, is that we've been married for 19 years now. Longer than many people stay married, and if we've made it, with God's help, through all we have- lay-offs, no food in the house, living with family to avoid homelessness, college & 3 babies, 3 in diapers, sick kids, unplanned pregancies, and complicated pregnancies, unsupportive "watchers," financial problems one after another, moving upteen times....- than we, with God's help, will be married until death do us part.

What have we gained? Being each other's lifelong best friend & #1 supporter, a great marriage, three wonderful young people as our own children who are serving God and going to be great adults, spouses, and parents and make a difference in the world for Him, & more love than we had when we said "I do."

So, on this 19th of August- the eve of my 19th anniversary, I say:

Thank you God for my life mate & my first love who has been my husband.
Thank you God for helping us to stick with a marriage that was rough and hard & helping bring back the love when it looked like it had left us .
Thank you God for helping us to make it through those years and to love each other so much more completely now & for the wonderful children you blessed us with.

And Thank you Momma for allowing me to go at such a young age and making what had to be a most hard decision and doing what had to be a scary & difficult thing to do- signing that paper to let me marry at 17! Your decision was the right one, and I will be eternally grateful to you for allowing me to go!

And thank you, Rob, for asking me to marry you, for marrying me, for staying with me through it all and loving me so very much! You are and always will be the love of my life!

A Hard Message for Me to Accept- But I'm Slowly Getting It

I've been working on a lesson I think God is trying to get through my thick, thick skull. Just so you now, when I get to heaven, it will definitely be on the "little bus." :)

I have felt for many years off & on, a serious issue at church. There have been times when I didn't, but most Sundays (for a long time now) I have sat and felt less Christian than I should be. Some of it, maybe a lot of it, has been my own fault. I have grown up in pentecostal churches, but I have always felt "un-pentecostal." :) I used to say that I made a better Lutheran than a pentecostal, not saying I believe in the Lutheran ways wholeheartedly either. I just quit caring to say "I'm Pentecostal." I am just tired of labels - I'm just a Christian. I believe God sent His Holy Spirit to us, and I believe in what the Bible has to say about His Spirit being in us. But I'm just not very "holy" or very "spiritual." When there is worship at church, if you are looking you will most likely find me standing and, maybe even sitting, and crying. I don't clap my hands, raise my hands, dance, shout, or praise out loud; I don't "amen" or "praise the Lord" when a preacher preaches either. I have told God so many times that I hate how He made me a "crier." But that is how he made me! I can't help it; I didn't ask to be made this way. While others speak in other languages, laugh, dance, jump, shout, prophecy, raise their hands, and a host of other ways of praising God, I just sit there and cry. Many times, I am just crying because I am happy and when I am able to truly think about God & His love and mercy, it just makes me cry for the sheer thought that the Creator of the world who is so very perfect would love me. Sometimes I'm crying because I need to be forgiven for being so sinful and messing up again & again & again. A lot of times, I am crying for all the little people I know whose lives are not so good or who have problems, many insurmountable. I carry heavy burdens for those little kids that God places in my path. I've been told by pastors that I should not be so burdened or that I am not supposed to let it rob me of my joy. I know that is true. But, Jesus wept over Jerusalem, didn't He? And when I read the Bible, I don't get a picture of Jesus walking around Israel happy all the time and smiling and just having a great time. I'm sure He did have fun; I know He went to the wedding feast (certainly a happy occasion), but my picture (maybe a wrong one) is of a Jesus who felt other's sorrow, cared about the people He encountered, and one who carried deep, deep burdens that we can never fathom. I know I'm not Jesus, but I do care about my own family, the children and families and the coworkers and friends of my children I encounter. It seems to me that Jesus was more sober and thoughtful than He was happy-go-lucky, laughing all the time, never admitting that there was pain in the world.

I know worship is something you do/give to God even when you don't feel like it. Which is again, another reason why I don't/haven't felt very "Christian." See when I'm tired and have had a lousy day, week, month, year, I guess I don't waltz into church with a big grin and act bubbly and thrilled. I've been told I'm very transparent (which I HATE!), and I guess what I'm feeling probably shows on my face. So then, I get these well meaning "trust in the Lord's" & "you can't let the world get you down" & "you have to praise God even if you are down"..... comments from people who are trying to help, but come across preachy or better-than-thou. Then there was a pastor (in my recent past) who has preached about topics or issues that I have directly talked to him about the week before. I told him about a little boy whose parents were drug users and he was being abused. The next Sunday, he mentioned someone who he had talked to this week and without naming me directly, it came into the sermon. I told him I was having sleep problems and asked him to pray, the next week in Bible study, he talked about people not being able to sleep because of hidden sins and needing to repent. I told him that all the issues I saw and dealt with each week caused me to get down sometimes, the next week- a sermon about depression and the wrongs of taking antidepressants (which I wasn't taking, but have a long time ago).... Believe me, that was when I quit telling him anything and that was when I started putting on my fake "Christian" face! That should have been when I got the message to leave, but as I already said, I'm a little slow.

At this new church, a recurring message keeps coming to us in many forms. There have been sermons, worship songs, last month- a worship video which I'm still trying to find to link here because it so got my attention!, and now today, another sermon. I'm getting it God. The message from the video & today's sermon is that worship isn't about what we get (the happy feelings & emotions- my mother's been telling me this for years!), it's about what we give. The video last month & today's message keep saying the same thing- "true worship isn't really about going to church & "worshipping God" at all; it's more about the everyday living & the sacrifices we make for others- in His name- all week long.

That's when it really started to hit me! If that is true- and I'm still working on that part- then my teaching, hugging kids and giving/getting kisses on the cheek all week long, the tying the shoes, the wiping away of tears, the "I love you's" that I say all day/week long and really mean- even when those kids are BRATS, the comforting and encouraging of worried, frustrated, hurting parents that I talk to, and the silent, unnoticed prayers I say for the children and their families- THAT is the true worship I am doing. The sacrifice (so very puny compared to those who really give to God in BIG ways) -truly one I had to work out with God- of moving out here away from three people I love more than myself (and I never really told them how much of a sacrifice that I really felt I had to make doing that- they think I wanted to go and/or that it was "the right thing for us to do.")- well maybe that counts for something with God too-maybe. Then that made me remember how many times I've walked out of church in the past year upset and told Rob, well if he/she (the pastor or some well-meaning lady) saw me at work, they would know that I do fill in the blank from today's sermon/bible study topic....

So, I've still got some thinking to do and maybe some unlearning to do too- my momma always says I've overlearned some lessons in my childhood. :) (Smile, Momma, maybe there' s hope for me yet!!!!)

I know that the bottom line is that none of us are worthy or really "good Christians;" that we're all in need of mercy & grace from above. I know that if that weren't so, there would have been no point in Christ's death. So I've just got to relearn some of those lessons that I apparently over-apply to myself. Oooh, once again, the message that "Rebekah is too hard on herself!" Boy, that doesn't come as a surprise to some who know me well, I'm sure.

So, God, here's the deal today: I'm sorry for the anger and hurt (flat out, bitterness) I have right now in my heart towards certain people- You know who they are. I don't want to be angry and hurt at them. Some of them are Your chosen leaders, and they are all Your children. I need You to help me forgive and forget and go on. I need to apply some of Your grace to my heart in this area. And God, I need to once again remember that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me- especially in the area of serving You. I need to be a bit more like my daughter- "...who cares what other people think..." in that area. And, Lord, if true worship is really what you do- as Pastor Mitch read today from Romans in the Message Bible- your day-to-day living, sleeping, walking, talking, life- then help me to see what I do for You through that lens. I am going to try to get up each day this school year, and focus my lens on You in a different way. I am going to put that day in Your hands, out loud, and when I get a child I have to restrain, personal property stolen, vandalized or destroyed, a weapon in my classroom, an angry parent, or anything else-good or bad, I'm going to give it to You. All these years of school work, I've been thanking You for the good, and blaming myself for the bad, but I'm going to start giving that to You too. Could You please help me to see myself through Your eyes? Help me to quit blaming myself for everything that goes wrong around me and everywhere else that I choose to see as my fault. Could You help me to see that I am a "good Christian" simply because I do love You and that being a good Christian is not about never messing up or sinning again, but really relying on You and seeking Your forgiveness. I need to remember that even though I get mad at my kids when they "mess up" I still love them as much, maybe even more- certainly not less!

Help me to really, truly worship You in everything I do!

Sore Muscles & a Lard Butt, Gutt, & More

(Warning: I do make fun of myself, as my hubby, kids, parents, sister, and most anybody who has worked with me will tell you. If this offends anyone, well- I'm not sorry. :) As I always say, "If you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of?")

We joined the YMCA last month. I feel like this is my last chance to ever get any weight off and take care of me, so even if we don't have the $ I'm going to do this for me. After almost 6 weeks, I can see where I'm able to do a tiny bit more than I could. And this week, I actually am starting to feel sore muscles under all my lard :).
Just a side note- I often refer to my exercising as "taking the lard out for a walk." Ha! Ha! He! He! I crack myself up sometimes.

My goal? By age 40, to have undone as much of the damage I've done to my body as I can. If I could weigh 200 pounds or close to it, I'd be happy (I realize that's still heavy and lard-ish, but it would be a lot better than it is now!) I'd like to be able to walk more than a flight of stairs without being out of breath. I'd like to be able to walk more than 1.5 miles and/or 30 minutes without my knees and heels killing me. I'd like to enjoy exercising more than I do now. I'd like to fit into smaller "fat-lady" clothes than I do now, and be able to buy clothes at Walmart if I need to.

I have been walking on the indoor track at the Y some, and I really love swimming! After I walk- head down, avoiding eye contact- the dreaded "Walk of Shame" to the pool as quickly and discreetly as an elephant woman can in my cover up, I get in the water and try not make a tsunami in the pool. :) Once in the water, it is so relaxing to me to be in the water, and I could swim, tread, float and basically just stay in the pool all day. It is kind of embarrassing, though, when I try to swim. I am slower than slow. I mean, really, the tortoise (you know- of "The Tortoise & The Hare" fame) is sitting at the end of the pool saying to me, "My word, girl, you are slow! I got here a half a lap ago!" :) :) :) The pool is usually full of good swimmers who know what they're doing and aren't toting a vat of lard on their behind & everywhere else, so they are also faster than me and much more graceful.

But, I keep telling myself a few things to make myself feel better & to keep myself going:

• I didn't get to be an elephant overnight; it took me years of eating big macs and large fries, & late night pizzas, going on no sleep for years, and putting my own physical needs behind everything else & just not taking care of me like I should. I am not going to get un-elephant overnight- it will also take years to ever hope to be anything close to thinner.
• I'm not going to get thinner or live to be longer, by looking at all the good swimmers and letting my shame and embarrassment keep me home and on my butt.
• And the tortoise may be laughing at me at the end of the pool, but at least I can swim! :) (By the way, before anyone who might read this worries, I am not crazy, and I do not really see a turtle at the pool- I'm just being silly old me!

So for now, I'm happy to actually be a little bit sore! That's a major milestone for me! And I'm hopeful that with the Lord's help in keeping me going through all the running and kids' crazy schedules plus the workloads and demands from Rob's job & mine, I'll actually maybe, hopefully, see a physical difference in my lard load in a few more months' time. I'd sure like to surprise my momma with a noticeable difference when she sees me at Thanksgiving! It would also make a nice birthday or Christmas present to myself to have to go out and start buying smaller clothes because mine are falling off me!

A :( Mommy Day

Yesterday was not the greatest day for me as a mom. I had a big (as in huge, tremendous, gargantuan) fight with one of my children; I lost my cool and so did they (okay, I know not grammatically correct, but to protect my child's identity I will not refer to gender here- smiles). We both lost our tempers, and we both said things we shouldn't have said. I had to really, literally, "get a hold of myself" so I didn't physically strike out and whoop somebody who is too old for being whooped anymore, and I had to remind myself that I am supposed to be an adult and need to act like one. I have to admit that I am feeling a wee bit jealous of my sister and the youth leaders (not to worry, it's nothing too serious) though. See, Jessica is "the coolest" (and I do quote)- not like me, I guess. I'm just "mom" or maybe chopped liver. Jessica & the kids' youth leaders are really "in the know" as it were. You know, I'm just mom and don't really understand how they might feel or how life is now. I was never really a teenager like them; and, of course, when I was a teen, well, it's not possible that I ever liked a girl/boy, wanted to have dates, was mad at a friend or parent (yeah, especially parents- as Grandma & Grandpa never do or did anything wrong or unfair or were grouchy, tired, overworked, etc.- they were perfect parents!), was popular/unpopular (well, I wasn't actually ever anywhere close to popular, come to think of it!).... See when I was a teen, life was all rosy, we never had problems, and my world (family, school, responsibilities, friends...) were the ideal & perfect life, so how could I possibly understand how my children might feel ? I mean really, Rebekah, how could you even think you understand!?!?!??? DUH!

I know, I know, this is part of the phase of their lives. My children do love me and do think a lot of me.... I know they will probably grow up to appreciate me and love me and all that jazz. It's just that one of my biggest fears (behind them not serving God all the days of their lives) is that they will grow up and we will not be close. I want to be their friends and stay a close part of their lives- always. I want to be there for them in good and in bad. I want to help support them (emotionally, if not with $) through college and dating and engagement, and early marriage and parenthood. I want to be there when the world gives up on them (which I hope it never does) and others aren't there- cheering them on, being proud of them no matter what- like my own momma was & has been for me. But, I am trying hard to remember, that the bottom line is/was to raise them up "in the path they should go..." I am trying to remember that it really isn't all about me anyway. I am supposed to train them, love them, provide for them, and then let them fly- to wherever that may be. I can hope and pray for a close adult relationship, and I'm pretty sure, we will actually all be close as adults, but if not, as long as they're serving God, I did accomplish what my God-given goal was to do.

And, Rebekah, don't forget, it was just a day in our lives- not the whole thing, the big picture. They do love you, dummy, and they will grow up and realize that you were there for them. Being their mom, and a true friend, doesn't mean letting them do everything they want and get away with anything they say/do even if it's wrong, and being a soft parent. Yeah, I just have to remember that love has to be tough sometimes, and I can't take the "ugly" words and countless (literally) sighs, huffs, stomps, slams, smart-aleck comments, rude things to heart too much. They don't really mean them, way down deep inside- where it really counts.

So hopefully tomorrow, or another day soon will be a better :) Mommy day for me. (Meaning, I'll feel good about my relationships with my children, and so will they!)

And God, please help me to be a better mom. God, please help me to love them like You do. Help me to not lose my own temper, but me a better example & role model of how to deal with anger. Help me to not "knock their blocks off" when they get smart with me (patience, Lord). And help me to not beat myself up so much when we have a bad day!

From My Garden to Yours With Love

Rob & I have really enjoyed our flower patches; this is yet another of the TONS of sunflowers we have in all varieties! We have every sunflower I could find seed for- dwarf to mammoth, very pale yellow to dark, dark red (like this one), striped, and even several Mexican sunflowers (which are probably my favorite out there this year). The Mexican sunflower has attracted lots of hummingbirds and butterflies! We have also seen lots of goldfinches eating our seeds on the other flowers. There's a home here for anything sunflower, along with zinnias, marigolds, brown eyed susans, echinacea, and lots of other flowers.

They make me think of people and God. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round, and God loves them all. He made them all unique for different purposes. Hmmm, wonder what kind of flower I am in His garden ? :) Smiles!

Too Old For That

Barbara & Matthew are in Gatlinburg, TN with the youth group. Robert stayed home so he wouldn't miss his youth group service on Friday at the Vietnamese church, his church on Sunday, and then he got a lot of work, so it all worked out. Last night, he got home from youth group around 9:30 and was "hyper" as he calls it himself. He talked and talked, non-stop, literally- I am not exaggerating. He's always been like that, but now that he's almost grown, he describes these moments to us and often calls them "my ADD thing." He says his brain just goes and goes and his body may be tired, but his brain is on full speed and he can't stop it. He's fun to be with and a great guy to have around! He's funny and quite intelligent- even if I am his mom. He kept asking to do something- Sonic, a movie, a movie, a movie... I proposed bowling or a game, but he really wanted to go out and see a movie. We were waiting for Rob to get home from the 'Hoppers' game. I thought it would be fun to do something with him, especially since we rarely get only one kid at a time to do something special with. We looked up a movie, and by the time Rob got home the only movie still out there was in Burlington- a 20 minute ride away- at midnight. Rob and I didn't think we were up to that, but in the end, we left @ 11:30 and made the movie.

Let me just say it was a good movie, and we all had fun. I'm glad we went and made a memory with Robert. But, I am definitely not 20 anymore, and too old for watching a midnight movie out after working all day/week!

But, above all that, I'm glad I went with my "first baby" and did something. As Rob said when we crawled into bed @ 2:30- "Our days to do those kinds of things with him are numbered."

First Day of Work

I survived my first day back, and although I didn't feel "enthused," it was an okay day. Matthew came with me (God bless him!) and helped me move furniture and get things started on their way to being set up. I will be working my tail off to get it done by Friday with having to meet daily to get plans laid out and work out details.

So, on my first day back to work, I quickly fell right into the school year pattern:

• get up early
• go to work
• come home (only today I didn't have to go pick kids up from school or sports practice or an event or take them to work- so it was completely normal)
• take a quick peak at the mail & bills & check email
• cook a quick dinner
• take kids to work & church
• while kids are at youth group, spend TOO much time at walmart getting school supplies & snacks at two different stores for Kindercamp
• coming home from work/church & it's now 10:15 PM
• now starting my schoolwork that I do at home (oh yeah, teacher's only work until 3PM didn't you know)

And this is only the first day (& it was just a teacher "workday"- no kids, shorter hours); plus my own kids aren't in school/sports yet. It's only going to get busier!

Day 1 down; how many to go? :) Just kidding!

The Last Day of Summer

Today is my "last day" of summer vacation. Tomorrow I must return to Allen Jay Elementary. I love what I do, most of the time. I know for a certainty that this is my Godly calling in life, and I adore my kids-meaning students (most of the time). I enjoy working with families and being there for parents when they need someone in "their corner." I love making learning fun and new and interesting and making the kids excited about what I'm wanting to teach them. I love their enthusiasm and excitement and just being silly with them.

But I have to be honest with myself. Right now my heart is not in it. I've been worried about it some this summer, but thought "well, I'm just sort of burned out; I'll feel better when August gets here; my attitude will be better when it's time to go back." I know that my Momma and Rob would tell me that I've felt this way before, and it always works out just fine. I've had lousy years before; I've had challenges and problems and difficult students and difficult parents before. I know that's true! Then why don't I want to go back? Where is the Rebekah enthusiasm for a new year, new kids, new families, new crayons, new beginnings.....?????
I hope it comes back because I don't see how I can go through a whole year feeling "blah" about it like this.

It also hit me this morning, that this is my "last day" of summer with a "kid." I know that even though there will be a lot of changes next year when Robert goes to college, many things will stay the same. But, still, this time next year, Robert will need to be working as close to full time as he can to get $ for college. He won't be in high school anymore, and he will be "an adult" for all intents and purposes. His days of being able to hang out and run around with his mom are numbered. My first baby is really growing up and is almost there. So today, I took him with me (he even wanted to go) when I went to buy some clothes for me. He just went walking around the shops while I tried on clothes, and then we went to lunch together- Brueggers' Bagels- his choice. We talked and it was very nice. He was a nice gentleman, carried my purchases out to the car, held the store door for me. I adore that kid! :)

So today is my last day of summer. Thanks God, for a nice time with Robert, and for the reminder to do something special with him. Thanks God for a summer job that helped pay the bills. Thanks for taking care of our needs and wants and letting us go home to see family and finding a new church home and giving us a wonderful new car and, on this hot, hot day- thanks for air conditioning! I'd sure hate to sweat myself to death on this, my last day of vacation!

God, I know you know, but please help me to want to be at school again. Please give me a renewed sense of enjoyment, passion, compassion, and enthusiasm for what it is You've called me to do in this world. I sure would appreciate it Lord. And until then, please help me to just hang on to You!

With much appreciation for all You've done and with my love,
Rebekah :)

God, It's Not Me!

I aggravate some of my family and probably a lot of other people who know me because I'm "too hard on myself," "don't see myself the way others see me," "don't take compliments well," and a host of other such things I've been told my a million people. But the thing is God, that I don't want them to see me. I'm full of faults and failings, and though I may be too hard on myself, everybody else is way too generous with their high thoughts of me as a person and their praise. I don't want them to see me that way; I wish I could let You show more through me than I do, so people would see that what they really see is You, and not me!

I get all kinds of compliments on my children! It's a wonderful feeling! I love those compliments more than anything! I am so very, very proud of my kids! While most people gripe about their teenagers, I really can't too much, other than the usual parent/child moments, my three teens are respectful, obedient, responsible out the wazoo, pretty mature (well sometimes anyway), loving, compassionate, generous, helpful..... You know this all Lord! And, let me stop here to THANK YOU for them!!!!!!!!!! So many thought they were "mistakes" or "accidents," and I was counseled by some to not bring them into this world, but they were and are the ONE right thing I have done in this life!

But God, it's not me that makes me a good mom- it's been You walking along with me, smacking me upside the head when I was being a dense mom, helping me to learn from other's mistakes, giving me directions/guidance/help or sending me help and guidance and, most importantly, prayers through my own momma!

I get lots of compliments from many people about my style of teaching and the way I work with kids. But God, I'm not a good teacher. It's You! Lord, You know that I've been sick to death of kids and parents and coworkers lots of times. I'd have thrown in the towel a long time ago if it hadn't been for You who wouldn't let me! It's You that makes me love those kids and their families when I'm ready to give up on it all. You help me see the past the ugly and see the real kid behind all that "yuck" stuff I have to deal with. It's You that has given me favor with parents, superiors, kids. It's You that draws my heart out and makes me give myself to little ones so much. If it relied on me, I wouldn't because it hurts too much to stick your everything out there and get it trampled on.

I'm not a good friend at all to most people. I mean to be, but I fail so many times! And Lord, I know I have failed my family (especially now that we live way out here) many times. They've told me some of the times, and I'm sure there are many more that they just keep to themselves and don't tell me for kindness' sake.

I know I'm not a good church member. I am so embarrassed to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else, but I often have HATED going to church. I'm sorry for this Lord, because I know this is not You. It really wasn't about You, but the other "stuff" that church can sometimes come to mean to other people, and the baggage I've allowed myself to pick up and the hurts I've allowed to cloud my vision. I am working on this one right now, Lord, You know that! I love to get lost in worship (especially when the lights are off and I can just focus on You), and I love to hear Your word (especially from our new pastor). I'm hoping things are going to be better at this new church, but I can't hide from You that many times in my life, going to church was just what I did because I knew I was supposed to and I should and that I would be sinning if I didn't...

I can go on and list all the ways I'm NOT..., but God You already know this. I just wish I could let You shine more and more and me be less. Please help me to not take Your credit away from You, and help me to keep on learning to be more vocal about passing on the compliments to You.

Please let Your light just go right on through me and out to those around me.

And, God, thanks for taking the "me" that I am, and making me better than I am. Thanks for making me be a good mom to my wonderful kids. Thanks for making me able to touch all those little lives I have been a part of. Thanks for giving me more time to be there for my husband, my parents, sister and brother, and friends.

I'll keep on trying.
Me

Tara, Sonya, and all the homeless "others" I've met

Since we have moved to Greensboro, I keep running into- some almost literally (that's another story)- homeless people. It doesn't seem we can go anywhere, drive anywhere, walk anywhere, or even sit in our own home without seeing someone who is homeless and begging for $ or food or something. It kills me to see them. I have been warned by coworkers to be more careful about talking with, dealing with, helping these "people." I even had one person tell me that many of these people live better than me. I've heard about undercover news stories that showed homeless people who begged all day and then went home to big fancy homes and Hummers and the like.... I don't doubt that these people might, in fact, exist. I know that many homeless people are just "drunks" or "junkies" or have mental illnesses. But, no matter what I hear or even think about why people are homeless or the problems/addictions/sins they may have in their lives, I can't get past that God loves them too, that God has blessed me too much to just turn my back.

See, I've been hungry before. Not for long, not starving, not without any hope, but hungry and without enough food in our home. I remember a time when Rob & I ate only ramen noodles (at 10 cents a pack) for breakfast, skipped lunch, and then another pack for supper so that we could buy diapers, baby food, and formula. When we got that bad off for a few weeks, I swallowed my pride and went to a food pantry. I sought other sources for food so we wouldn't go hungry. Boy, were those humbling experiences to have to ask for a handout from a church or organization because we couldn't provide enough for ourselves while going to college. We also took a lot of help from our family, without whom we would have been homeless at one point or living in a car. I don't have any idea how embarrassing it must have to be to stand on a street corner or to approach someone in the parking lot or on the street to ask for $, but I know that you have to be pretty bad off to resort to this. I know that without family and "resources" available to me and a good upbringing, I would now be in a much different place. Without God, who knows where/what I would be right now.

I HATE passing people on the street and not helping them; I hate thinking that maybe they are hungry and I could at least for one meal solve that problem. I know I can't solve all or most or even a few of their problems, but I can at least buy them a meal or take them some food from my home. I don't always do this, but I have when I could. The last time I did this, the lady ended up almost harassing us several times late at night and wouldn't quit coming. She wouldn't take food from us, only wanted $, which we could not do. We ended up calling the police on her finally because she was trying to open our door and scared me and the kids half to death. I was "warned" by the police officer about giving "these people" food or $....

So yesterday, while Robert and I were on our weekly lunch & grocery run, we met Tara who was begging in the parking lot of the restaurant we were visiting. We "missed" her going in as she went to someone else first, but before that, she almost walked into the car trying to get me to stop (this is not the first time that has happened to Robert & I). When we came out with our full stomachs, we couldn't avoid her. I feel shamed for admitting that I was going to try to avoid her as I was afraid it would be another scheme for cash. She shook my hand, complimented my dress, and shook Robert's and wouldn't let go of Robert until she told her story (nice trick). She was crying and hungry and told us where she was headed.... All she asked for was some food from the Taco Bell down the street. I asked her if that was what she wanted, just something to eat. After my last experience, I wouldn't let her get in my car, but told her to walk down there and I would buy her some food.

I will never forget her face- the look of relief that I was really going to buy her something to eat, and the look of fear that I might just be lying to get away from her. She walked on down the street, but not without looking back over her shoulder several times to see if I was really coming. Robert noticed and told me, "Mom, she is afraid you aren't coming." Robert & I agreed to pray with her before I took her in, and I am so proud of that 17 year old son of mine! We stood together and held her hands and prayed with her and for her right there on a crowded, busy street in G'boro- one of the busier, and he wasn't the least bit embarrassed! She hugged us both several times- in the parking lot and in the restaurant and cried, thanked us over and over. She hadn't had a bath in a while I could tell from the way she smelled and the condition of her hair and clothes. I told her that I was more than happy to buy her a hot meal. Told her that there had been a time when there hadn't been enough food in the house for us and three babies, and that God had taken care of me and I was praying that He would take care of her too. She was only going to order a taco, and I told her to get whatever she wanted. She ended up spending a lot more than I intended, but as we followed her afterwards for a block or two, we watched her meet up with someone else who was out begging and she shared her food with that person.

That has happened before. One time, we cooked some food for Rob to take to a guy on the corner of two busy streets begging. Rob told me when he got there, there was enough for him and one other person we had seen, but when Rob gave the man the food, he whistled and some other homeless people came down from nearby corners and they all shared that food with each other and were so thankful for what was now not that much between them all. Thanked Rob over and over. Made us feel so humbled and bad that we hadn't taken more food.

So God, I know that I've been lied to by "these people" before and that Tara was giving me a line about walking to Burlington. I know I am probably a big, gullible, sappy, dumb person who will feel badly and may appear to "fall" for someone's story. And I guess when I get to heaven, You can give me the "Dumbest, Most Gullible Christian" award. That's okay. But will You please watch out for Tara, Sonya, the man in the ice storm last winter, the lady on Christmas day, the High Point Wendy's lady, all those people who stand on High Point Road and Holden and the Randleman Rd/Hwy 40 overpass, and all the others we've met, seen, driven by, helped or not helped, but noticed and wished we could do something for? You love them too, I know, and they need You more than I could ever know or imagine. Somehow in their dark conditions, let them find You and call on You to guide them into the light and into a better life.

And help me to find ways to help "these people" and give me wisdom to know when I shouldn't and protect me from my own "stupid" but well-intentioned self.

Nothing Much

Today I said goodbye to my summer school kids. I can't believe how quickly this month ended up going and how much more fun I had with those middle school kids than I thought I would! ;) I have two days off this week, the weekend, and two days off next week before I start my next summer school session which will run right up to the first day of school. Not much break, but then you know what they say about "no rest for the wicked!" Ha! Ha! :)

I am so loving watching all my various sunflowers bloom; probably driving my family nuts with all the pictures and oohing & aahing every day over them and the new ones that opened and all the pretty colors.... But, I am having fun watching the fruit of our spring labors, and do enjoy playing with the pictures on the computer. So for tonight, here is a picture series of the sunflowers in their various stages of blooming.

Blessing

Our new car, which I named :) Rosie

It's midnight, and I have to rise for another work day in just a few hours, but I have to jot myself a note. Yesterday our car "died." Today, a new car came home with us.



God is too good to even fathom, and He continues to look out for us, as He always has, even when I couldn't always see it at the time.



Today, I bought "my" very first, ever in my whole life, brand-spanking new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am 36, and have never before owned or bought a new car. Most of our vehicles have been old beaters or cars with way too many miles. Thanks to family members, we have had some good used cards that we were able to use until they just fell apart. Now, I was able to get a new car on my own credit, without anyone's help or anything!



God you are too awesome, too good, and too kind to me, and I for sure, don't deserve it. BUT, I'll take it with a very heartfelt, "Thank You Father; I appreciate this more than I can say! Good night God!"

Life, Test, or Trial- I'm Gonna' Keep on "Truckin' On!"

There have been times in my life when I thought I was going through a trial or maybe that God was testing me. Sometimes, my wise mother has reminded me, that not all troubles are tests or trials, but just plain old life. And, I have to admit, that my momma is probably right, as she often has been in times past.

Well, whatever it is- a test or trial or just life- our car broke down today on our way home from church without any warning that it was going to quit. I mean, really, it could have at least spluttered or put on a light or given some signal yesterday that it wasn't feeling well. But, it didn't. It just blew apart the transmission and we had to pray it home, literally. It was only God that we even got home; the car literally breathed its last as Rob put it in park in front of our house. Now the red car sits on the street in front of our house awaiting its final diagnosis and possible final destination. :) Dramatic, aren't I? :) Just feeling a little silly, that's all.

Our new pastor has been preaching about spiritual warfare, and today he concluded with the importance of prayer. God really spoke to Rob in the sermon, and he went forward for a time of prayer. After church, he apologized to me for not being a better "high priest" or spiritual leader for our family as the Bible talks about. We discussed this on our drive from church to take our daughter to work and then to stop at the gas station and go on home, and we agreed to make some specific changes starting today to help each other do a better job of being accountable to each other about praying, consistently and more fervently, for our children and family and our students, etc., etc., etc.... This had not more than come out of our mouths when within just a few minutes the car's transmission (and we're not sure if it's anything else) went kapoooeee!

It's sort of frustrating to me because God has been good to us and been blessing our finances as I've worked hard this past year to get them in shape. With God's help, I will have our van paid off early this fall and the car paid off by late fall, and a lot of other things are starting to "fall into place." It keeps happening that just when things start to get better, something always seems to go wrong. I know that God has helped us SO-O-O-O many times in the past, and He will helps us this time too, I am sure of that! And, as I keep telling Rob and have said to myself and even shared with my momma, when we've had car trouble or other problems like these in the past, they put us way behind, having to not pay other bills, borrow or mooch off family, pay late on other things... just to fix a vehicle. We were always behind, and now we somehow find enough $ to take care of many of the things that have needed repairs. So, we must be getting better off. I know this will be taken care of.

So, I guess I'll just start today's prayer with asking for wisdom about how to solve this car issue. I prayed a few weeks ago when this car had some other problems, and felt impressed that He had given us this car and, therefore, it is really, His car. So God, your car is broke. Do you want it fixed? And if so, how? Where? If not, what should we do with Your car? Help us to know what You want for us, and to have the wisdom, faith, courage, and ears to understand Your will today.

So, whatever the outcome, my hope and prayer is that Rob & I will pass this life event (or test or trial) with God giving us a good grade. More importantly, I want to know that I made Him proud of me for the way I handled another of the events in my life and that perhaps I can use this to shine a little light on someone else's path.

For now, I'm His "broke down, but not broken" Rebekah :)

My Pretty Prairie Flower

I LOVE the prairie; guess it's the romantic in me, but I have always been infatuated with the idea of the prairie since I was a little girl and read/watched the "Little House on the Prairie" books and t.v. series. :) Growing up in Illinois and living there and in Iowa for the past few years, I could just picture the open miles of rolling grasslands and wildflowers, butterflies, bison, deer, birds, prairie dogs... all as they used to be centuries ago.

About a year before we moved out here to N.C., I asked Rob to "humor" me and we all went to a natural wildlife prairie reserve in central Iowa. It's not that big, relatively speaking, but it was BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! It was all I dreamed it would be (although being summer, it was almost unbearably hot!).

Being the romantic prairie-loving Midwest girl I am, I, naturally, love these echinacea flowers! So when I moved here to Greensboro, I planted myself one just to have a bit of home to remember my native Midwest by. They made it through the "bitter" winter here (ha, ha, ha) and are blooming away again this year. In fact, they're so heavy with blooms this year, that I had to stake them up with a dowel rod!

So now in the wooded Southeast, I have my prairie corner to enjoy every day for these hot days of summer. And until I can go west and see it again, with my own eyes, I will have this reminder of home.

The Ones I Love- well most of them, but not all!

Just playing around and trying to learn something new today. These are some of the people I love most in this world!!!!!!!!

Allergies or not, that is the ?.

Dr. says I have allergies. He's not the first Dr. to tell me this. This Dr. says my nose is one of the worst he's ever seen & orders allergy tests for me. I've been on allergy medicine off and on for over a year now and on this round of medicines since late February. So what do the tests show? No allergies. Which is fine- great no allergies- I'm thrilled! No more allergy medicine or problems. I've been healed!

Except why I am I having a sinus headache and pressure for three days since I quit taking the medicine? Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac or something. Maybe I just want to get attention or something and just don't realize it or can't admit it. Maybe I'm just mental.

So I am going to go back to just whatever happens, happens, and shut my mouth. Dr. wants to just treat the ear disease and follow up if I need it. Well, I won't need it! If others can put up with health issues and not complain then I can too. But I wish I understood why I have "a bad allergic nose" as the Dr. puts it (even on medicine) if I'm not allergic to anything!

I'm so aggravated and confused about myself! But, then again, what's new! :) Ha! Got to love myself sometimes! For now, I'm off to walk and keep on working on the "fat" part of me. That I can do something about, I hope!