Letter to an enemy

I hate you.
You are ugly.
And fat.
And mean.
And hurtful.
I'm sick of you.  You are ruining my life.  I want you to go away.  And never. come. back.

They say you are kind.
Sweet.
And all that other stuff.
WHATEVER!
But they don't see you.  They see what they want to see.  It makes them feel better to see you that way.   They don't look in the mirror.  They don't see the real you that is inside- the real you that you keep hidden away, the feelings and thoughts that you don't tell anyone because it's too ugly. You won't ever let that show, and I won't either because I can't handle it.  I'm not that brave so though I hate you, it'll have to be our secret.

But I also know you are going away.  If it's the last thing I do.  I will win.   I won't be who they want you to be or who they think you are.  I'm going to be someone I don't know yet, someone I will figure out eventually.  I am going to be someone I want to be.  I will beat you.  I will never be pretty like you used to be. You were once, you know.  You didn't know it, and you ruined it for me because you hated yourself. I can't ever be that thin, pretty girl you were, but I refuse to be this hideous blob of goo you've made of me.

You ruined my life in so many ways.  I let you, and I'm more mad at myself for that than I could ever express.  I have cried so hard this week because I let you win.  I let your self-hatred take over and let your stupid view of yourself ruin my life.  I let the way you thought it was take over and ruin how I feel about me, but I'm taking over now stupid.  I am going to finish this degree in a few weeks.  I am going to walk across that platform and get that master's degree, me, Rebekah, and when I do, I'm going to cheer for myself- not where anyone else can see but somewhere down deep inside a little piece of me is going to wake up and be proud.  I am going to beat this fat, ugly self.  I will always have the extra skin and stretch marks and ugliness, but I am not going to be a size 28 forever.  I'm already not a size 34 thanks to me, NOT YOU.  I have been walking in that gym for ten months now and I'm not going to stop, busted knees or not.  If I have to crawl in there that's what's going to happen.

You may have my head for the moment.  You may think you're winning.  You may even be for today.

But, weak as I am.... I am NO QUITTER.  I have not given up on this slob of a body yet.  See I tell my little ones all the time, that "there's no such thing as a bad person, only people who make bad choices."  I firmly believe in the power of hope and encouraging others.  So I'm going to give myself a little of that hope and encouragement and love.  I'm going to try with all my being to cut myself some slack even though you are in my head screaming at me all kinds of obscenities and nastiness.  I'll just scream back at you and louder until you just shut up and go away.

Go away, mean person that's been in my head all these years.  Please let me start a new life without you. I'm tired of you.

Here I go! My last semester (for now anyway) of graduate studies :)

Just realized this morning as I begin the new term that five months from today is graduation day.  I felt like doing something fun and silly for myself to help mark that time so when I am totally overwhelmed with the work/grad school/gym/life thing in about a month or two I can look at this and visualize something good. :)

I am going to have a master's degree- WOW! That is something I never, ever pictured in my life.  I remember telling people I would never do that, (and I do quote myself), "I'm not smart enough to get a master's!"  Well, here I go- five more months until I prove myself wrong! :)

And the little added extra bonus for me is that I think I've got all my kids coming out to Illinois from NC to cheer for me.  And the little added extra bonus for my momma is that I will graduate on Mothers' Day so we'll all be together one more time.  Kinda cool Mothers' Day gift for us all! :)

Christmas Break 2013 Memories

I've been pretty sick the past few weeks, our oldest son was on call Christmas week, our two youngers were working, and our "fake" daughter- as I jokingly & lovingly call her- had to spend time with her family, of course, so this holiday season was a little different. But Rob & I are trying to find/build new traditions as we transition to a new phase in our lives.  I tried to focus on the good things and this break had good times.

I am not proud of having let myself become such a pile of goo, but I have worked VERY VERY hard this past year to fix that situation.  Today I decided to brave my closet and chest of drawers and see what I could say goodbye to.  I was nervous and this was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be.  I cannot believe how much smaller I am!!!!   The scale doesn't show as much loss as the clothes do, and wow, do they.  I am posting a couple photos of things that used to be tight/quite snug on me and now they are hanging off me like crazy.  I filled a big box with clothes that I have "ungrown."  What a feeling- I don't think I can begin to describe it.

Cleaned out a bunch of my teacher books - boy, has teaching changed over the last few years!!!  These two boxes are going to my sister back in Illinois to see if she can use any of the ideas/information in homeschooling my little niece, Zoe. :)  I apologize for the messy bedroom in the background- I was in the middle of this and the clothes- I always do six million things at once. :)

Movie time with my kids- this is something we have done for years and years- a movie on break.  So glad I could get the three kids together to go see the 2nd part of the Hobbit.  We missed Rita though!

My friend, Kristen, invited us over for chili and cornbread.  Rob drove me down since I was not feeling too hot, and we had a nice evening of talk and my pal, Elizabeth, and I enjoyed talking and playing.

Rob made several fires for me over break to enjoy while I tried to rest and relax. :)

Went to see our son on Christmas Day and met up at the Flying J truck stop so we could see him since he was on call.

 Silly son and mom :)

 The girls made some cookies with me :)

New Year's Eve was nice too- I didn't get photos, but Robert came and spent the night with us. Matthew and Robert watched movies with Rob and me.   Best visit ever!!!  We went out to breakfast together the next morning and to Barnes & Noble too.

Now it's time to go back to work.  I miss my students, and do so love teaching, but the reform movement, the constant pressures and testing/assessment shtick, and the amount of time I put into my work are all really draining me.  I have to be honest, I really don't want to go back to work.  Hope this feeling gets better by next Monday. :)  Not feeling well probably isn't helping that, and I need that situation to get resolved as well because, though I joke about it, I really don't have time for health issues with work, grad school, and my healthy life-journey/daily gym visits.  My body just needs to get it together. :)

2013: The Year I Turned Around

I haven't been able to blog in a long, long time.  I doubt anyone even visits here anymore.  Though I hate that I haven't had time to journal, I also am learning that journaling is for me and I should do it when I can and want to, and that when I hit the crazy times or don't have anything to say, that's okay too.

Anyway, 2013 has been a year of change for me.  I got so tired of things in my life at work, the way I looked and felt about myself, the way people stared, made rude comments or laughed at me outright... So in May 2013, I started making changes, and God made some changes, and put together I'm becoming something different, hopefully better & stronger by the time it's all said and done.

Change # 1- On May 4, 2013, I walked into the gym with my daughter and signed up Rob & I for a membership and signed myself up for workout sessions with a trainer.  Enter my trainer/coach, Rashad.  I had to let him weigh me, measure me, and let him see just how out of shape and hideous my body was; the thing is he has NEVER ONCE expressed anything but encouragement.  He calls me "beautiful" from time to time, doesn't let me get down on myself, looks the other way when I cry because I'm doing something I didn't think I ever could again, and has supported me in accomplishing the goals I set, even the stupid, silly ones.... Because of this choice my life has changed in so many ways:

• I have taken my fat butt to the gym faithfully since May 4, 2013.  I have not had a good track record of sticking with life changes like this for so long.  I usually have gone gung-ho and gotten frustrated when I hit a plateau.  This time, I am sticking with it and will continue to do so.
• I have mostly gotten over people looking at me- not completely, some days it still bothers me a lot, especially when someone is blatantly rude or ugly, but the general staring I ignore now.  I had to learn to get over that very quickly working out at the gym.  Rashad puts me out there where others can see me doing things like push-ups, running around the gym or out in the parking lot, doing ladder work in front of the rows of cardio machines, doing suicides in front of  others....  I am learning to focus on what I am doing and ignore others.  That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt and I don't still get mad, but I can ignore a lot more.
• I have lost and KEPT OFF right at 40 pounds since May and have dropped from pant size 34 to size 28- can't believe I'm even posting that, but oh well.  If anyone is reading, maybe it will help them.  If you think "Oh my word, what a cow!," well you're right.  I was a cow, still am a cow, and have a long way to go, but I won't always be a cow! :)  And I am okay with you thinking I am too.  That's a big change too!
• I can run short distances for a very short time (it looks more like race walking/jogging, but still...).  I couldn't do that in May.
• I can do about 70 situps- the real thing- in three sets with only a short break between sets.
• I can do planks!  I am working on learning to do situps the right way and still have a long way to go on that.
• I am learning to do squats properly- not pretty yet and still have a long way to go, but I'm improving.
• In July I could only do 1 minute on the elliptical; now I can go for 30-40 minutes. :)  That just makes me happy!
• I can lift about 100 pounds in bench press, squats, and on the glut machine.  Rashad says I'm a lot stronger than even he thought which makes me feel good.  I have often told people that I'm stronger than they think and many people don't believe me.  Under my layer of lard I do have muscles. :)
• I found a great app that has helped me keep better track of what I eat, the water I drink and the exercise I do- all helping me change and maintain changes.  In the end, I have found out that part of my problem is that I actually don't eat enough- something confirmed by my trainer, two doctors, and a nutritionist- so I have to really work on that this next year.

Change # 2- The last couple school years have not been easy, and I had hit bottom this last year.  I walked out of my classroom in June not knowing if I'd ever walk back into a classroom or what I was going to do but knowing I was NOT going back to my school.  I left school on the last day and had started applying for nonteaching jobs, but God gave me a teaching job at a new school. I started there in August, and though I'm still very frustrated with our education system and the way reform is killing our schools and harming our children and teachers, I have been able to go on- something I didn't think I could do back in May or June.  

Change # 3-  Though this is something I started a while ago and have been continuing, it has also begun to change me.  I have been working very, very hard on my Master's degree which is why I had to let the journaling/blogging go these last few months.  I am about to start my last semester, and on May 11, 2014, I will graduate.  My advisor and another professor have been especially encouraging to me as a student and teacher during this time.  I have been told I should publish and recently one of my instructors encouraged me to go on and pursue my doctorate's degree and teach at the college level!!!- me, Rebekah!!!  I am still stunned at that.

I don't write all this to be braggy - NOT ONE BIT.  Dear God, don't let me come across like that! 

I write this because I want to remember this someday.  I want to remember that I had to hit the bottom to start moving back up.  I want to remember that God didn't forget about me when I was at the end of my rope- that I especially want to remember!!!  

I write because this is the year that Rebekah started to see something tiny, many days still infinitesimal, but there is a flicker of hope that I now carry for this fat girl.  I have spent years and years loathing myself, and on the good days, just barely tolerating me.  But now, I am starting to have moments where I almost like me, where I think "Hey, I am proud of me!" Then I catch myself and wonder who this new me is? :)  It's strange to suddenly see something good in yourself when you've spent your whole life hating who you are to the very core of you.  I am not very comfortable with this almost-liking-myself that I sometimes experience, and I usually find a way to shoot it down very quickly, but still it is nice to not always think "you suck" in your head or having to listen to that nasty old voice all the time.  I have my low moments still, but I'm learning to talk myself through them.

I guess I write this too, in case someone might come across it who feels like me.  If this Rebekah, the fat slob of a human who wasn't good for much except loving people, especially kids, through hugs or silly little things that aren't really important... if this woman can turn around and change who she is WITH GOD'S HELP, so can anyone. If I can learn to run or do situps or pushups... if I can learn to see something good in myself... if I can go on in my education... so can you.  I promise that I'm nothing special, not anyone of importance or special value (my Momma will disagree, but God love her, she's my Momma & she's supposed to feel that I'm special). :)  I'm just a person who never gives up on others but gave up on herself I don't even know when.  But I'm learning this year, 2013, to fight for Beka too.  If I'm right about kids (there's no such thing as a "bad" kid I am always saying), then that has to hold true for me too.  I can't be as bad as I thought I was.  There has to be hope for me too.

So 2013, you will always be one of my favorite years- you are the year I turned around and gave myself a chance.  I'm grateful for that chance, and I hope God will allow me to continue on.  Who knows where I'll end up. 

Happy New Year!

note for heaven

You've been gone a long, long time now.

I was a kid then.
I am a middle-aged woman now with grown children of my own.

I've lived longer than you got to and done many things you never were able to.  I graduated from college, and next May will graduate with my master's degree.  This summer I will celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary.   I have watched my children perform in band concerts, participate in different sports, graduate from high school and one from college, get their driver's license and first car.  Now I watch as our children start their adult lives, going to college, working, moving out and planning to move out.

I am blessed or lucky to have been able to live longer than you did.  Some days I think I will run to find you if and when I get to heaven.  Other days I think I am not sure I will want to see you for reasons I don't want to share because they sound weird and stupid even to me.

Yesterday my oldest took my breath away when he said he thought of you and even talked to you as he went for a walk in the woods behind his apartment complex.  He had tears in his eyes when he said he wished he could have known you and when he asked me if I thought you would have liked him.

I know you don't know.  I know you can't see or read a stupid blog.  But I have nowhere else to put it so I'll write it here.  You are still thought of.

2013- Page 6

Weekends go by way to fast!  Wrapping up the night but I still have a bunch of stuff to print for this week, clothes to set out, breakfast/lunch to figure out, and a shower to take.  I keep hoping I can figure out how to clone myself. :)

I am happy to have created a pretty nice looking learning contract for math & literacy for my kinders; I'm excited to introduce them to the kids tomorrow.  I also published a lot of stuff this weekend, and I am happy with how those sets looked.  I thankfully also got the bills paid and the January menu finished and updated my monthly station plans to reflect the new learning contracts.

This is my last week before grad classes resume, and I have a lot to do before it's over to be ready, so this week promises to be busy.

My plans for the week include:

• finish my momma's pj's and Zoe's bunny blankie and get them in the mail
• find a place to get my sewing machine oiled and serviced
• get in to an eye doctor and try to get new glasses
• get lesson plans finished for next week & start the grade level plans for the new lit unit 
• get my "Sub Tub" updated
• clean and reorganize the writing, alphabet, big book, and retelling stations
• get tax forms downloaded and ready for the kids and us
• go for a few walks with Rob this week
• read a few chapters in the two books I started on our trip- Life of Pi and Songs of Blood & Sword: A Daughter's Memoir  (I never can find time to read during the school year, and especially when I'm in grad school, but I am hoping to squeeze in some time as much as I can.)

Well, off to print and pack up I go!

Help a Teacher- Pass the Word

Help spread the word-  this is a neat giveaway for teachers!!!!  If you know a teacher or are one, pass the news!  If you enter from this blog link, I will be entered too.  :)

Family time

I love my kids!  :)

Today the young people and I all met up at the house and headed out to see the Hobbit. :) I was so excited to be with the kids- all of them- and to see that movie!!! We made a little "memory" that will be a joke for years to come at Robert's expense.  I had to make a bathroom pit stop during the movie.  When I came back and was sitting back down in my seat, I didn't see Robert stretching his long legs (and he didn't see me sitting down apparently), and somehow he kicked me in the face.  Got me right in the eye- glasses went flying down two or three steps in the dark, and my eye felt like it was bleeding.  I was kind of stunned, couldn't figure out what hit me; he was stunned and apologizing like crazy (like his mom). :)

One of the boys got my glasses for me, but they were so banged up, I couldn't wear them.  Watched the rest of the movie with not so great vision, but thankfully it was a big screen and I didn't really miss anything important.  Rob was able to bend the ear and nose pieces back into place enough to get me through until Tuesday when I have to try to get excused from an after school meeting to get to the eye dr.  I have a small cut on my eyelid and am waiting to see if I will end up with a black eye.  Boy, am I going to tease that son of mine if I do!!!! hehehehehehe

The rest of the day was just normal- menu planning, lesson planning, and working on teacher materials for my store.  I'm starting learning contracts with my kinders this week, and I try to differentiate a lot, so I'm knee deep in all of that.  Shoot, I have to pay the bills too- YIKES!  Better get on that now!

Happy weekend!
Beka :)

2013- Page 4

Friday- my favorite day.  Today I worked super late in my classroom- moving furniture, reorganizing the library area, getting things straightened up and looking through my teacher books and resources to plan our very first kindergarten learning contracts for this school year.  I sure hope my little ones are ready for this level of self-management!

I am way too old and have too crummy a back to be moving large bookcases and pieces of furniture; you'd think I'd learn this lesson eventually.  But here is what I have to show for my hard evening's work- a beautiful library area for the kids on Monday morning.

 Here is the whole library corner plus word wall.  I've got baskets for alphabet books, math books, science, and poetry on the floor (I wish I had tons of shelves here).  You can't see them, but on the small bookcase, I have baskets for many different characters the kids love- Curious George, Franklin, Little Critter, etc.  I color coded my author study books and put them in the red & blue crates; I hope to really get the kids into author studies now in this last half of the year.

Now to lesson plan, pay the bills, do my Donors Choose work, and finish those pj pants. :)

2013- Page 3 - Thankful Thursday

I'm going to try to do a Thankful Thursday each week.  I just want to make sure I keep thinking of my blessings; I think I do this, but it can't hurt to be deliberate in keeping the thankfulness in the front of my brain. :)

• thankful that I got to have four Christmases- with Shanesa, then all the young people, then our Thomas five, then my Illinois family. :)  As the kids are getting their own adult lives, we are having to learn to adjust.  Christmas is not what it once was, and that bothered me a little at times this last month, but then I remembered that we have to change.  I will miss the Christmases with my little ones, but we will make new memories and build new traditions and that will be fun too.  It was also so nice to spread out the fun, laughter, joy, and giving.
• thankful for safety on our travels to IL & back- about 1,800 miles total and part of that was in snow
• thankful my hubby is feeling better, that he went to the doctor (did you feel the Earth shift on its axis this week???? He NEVER goes to the dr.!), and that he is getting appointments for further medical care.
• thankful for our healthcare provider- Sara is the BEST.  I've had some really crummy doctor experiences, but Sara has been so good to me and to the kids the few times they've gone in, and now to my hubby.  I am so thankful for her!!!!
• thankful that I am finding/taking time to do some sewing and creating- it was so nice to give my kids(students) all fleece reading blankets, and I was able to make something for my assistant, Shanesa, Rita, Barbara, my sister, my brother (in-law), my niece, and now I'm working on pajama pants for my momma.  :)  

• thankful for the laughter of children- I didn't want to go back to work, but I was so happy to see my kiddos and hear their laughter and get lots of hugs!

My niece, Zoe, LOVED this cloth when we were at the fabric store.  She kept pushing off the other bolts of fabric from the cart, leaning backwards to lay her head on it and saying, "soft, soft." :)  When the clerk was cutting it for us, she kept pointing and saying, "mine;" she wanted it back and was not happy that Aunt Beka had given away "her" soft fabric.  It was cute and funny, but she was oh so right- this stuff is amazingly soft.  I want a blanket or pj's with it too.  You're pretty smart, Zo!

2013- Page 2

Today found me:

• creating & publishing some more teacher stuff- here and here
• taking my hubby to the dr. and hoping they can help him feel better
• getting lunch with Rob after the dr.'s appointment :) :) :)
• doing some "dreaming" about our 25th anniversary- We'd like to take a trip next summer.  We aren't sure if we can afford it or not, but we're going to do some wishing, looking, hoping. :)
• walking around Joann's with my youngest (Thanks for keeping me company Matthew!!!)- I bought fabric to make some skirts & a pair of pajama bottoms for me :) plus fabric/batting for some baby quilts for Rob's coworkers who are expecting their first babies and tons of fabric to make burp cloths and aprons to help my sister and brother (in-law) with their sponsorship/adoption goal.  
• emailing my advisor about the rest of my coursework- I might be taking three courses this term- YIKES!- but if I do, that might also mean I could graduate this December.  That would be killer now, but oh so nice!  Either way, I'm 12-17 months from being done. :)

Now, I need to prepare for teaching tomorrow; it will be nice to see my kiddos again! Not looking forward to being back in general, but I do ADORE the kids at my school, so that will be good. :)  Oh, and thanks to God- I have had three (WOW) projects funded in the last week.  I no longer have any live projects on Donors Choose thanks to strangers. :)  Such a great way to end 2012 and start 2013 as a teacher! Makes me remember this:

Beka :)

2013- Page 1

I don't really set resolutions for myself; I am too wishy-washy about those things.  But, over the last year, I have been working on becoming healthier, and I begin this year a pant/dress size smaller than last year and forty pounds (maybe more- I never used to let the dr.'s office weigh me) lighter than last year. :)  That thought makes me happy, very, very happy.  I've never lost and KEPT weight off.  I usually lose it and then gain it and more back, but I'm losing slowly and keeping it off.  That was my goal, and I'm accomplishing it slow & steady.  Like the tortoise, I am finally believing, I can win this race. :)  You have NO idea how powerful that feels to me for the first time in my adult, obese life.

So in this chapter of my life, I hope and plan to keep working on that healthier me thing.  I hope to end the year smaller in size and lighter on the scale and would like to be able to be more physically active.  I long for walks in the woods with my hubby, and oh, how I would love to go hiking in the mountains! :)  That's a someday goal, but still!

Other things I want to do/achieve/try this year:

• continue to work on my masters' degree- This time next year, I will be about to start my last semester I hope, and I am planning on graduating in May 2014 if my classes all fall into the schedule. :)  That means half-time graduate school this year while working full-time, running an after school club for kids, working on the side for Donors Choose, serving my grade level as chair & being a teacher leader too- oh, and being a wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, and having a life perhaps. :)  It promises to be a busy, full year! :)
• in October, I started sharing/creating/selling learning materials online at Teachers Pay Teachers and in December, I opened up a shop at Teachers' Notebook too.  I'm nervously excited about growing in this ability, and praying I can make a go of it.  I hope to really learn how to do this better and supplement our income as well as helping other teachers.
• find more time for me- to read, to make cards and sew and learn new crafts and go for walks, rides and talk with my hubby, call my parents, go to movies with my kids, spend the night at Robert's apartment, etc.  Life is going by too fast, and all I have to show for it is my work.  I ADORE my children I teach; they mean the world to me, but I need to do things for me and for my family too.  That is one area I REALLY need to improve.  So I hope to just get away with Rob more- sometimes just getting out of the front door and walking at the park or going to a local museum, but sometimes maybe a weekend camping trip (oh, I hope we can do that more), or a night in Raleigh or Charlotte.  In an effort to do things for Rebekah, I also want to continue to learn new sewing skills/techniques and improve my sewing skills- later this month I am getting together with my cousins and sister for a weekend mini-cation and we are going to craft, sew, cook, eat, and laugh.  My cousin, Pam, is going to teach me how to sew zippers and help me learn how to properly quilt so that I can finish my big quilt top I made for Rob and I.  I am sooo excited!!!!
• This last one is most important to me- I read this quote that has stuck in my head for about two weeks now- "Sometimes, it is better to be kind than to be right. We do not need an intelligent mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens." I am praying that God will help me to live my life with this in mind.  I am going to ask myself each day, "Did I listen today, truly listen?  Was I kind or right?"  And that includes being kind to Rebekah (which my family, friends, and colleagues will tell you is who I am hardest on).

I could set more goals, but those are the things that are most important to me, the things I've already been working on and feel are important.  I think that life changes are best done (for me, at least) in slow, steady changes and progressions, so I'll just keep up doing what I have already done to change and improve myself and keep myself moving down the path.  I am happy with where I am going, and hope to get further down the road to wherever this journey is going to take me, but for sure to a  healthier, smarter, better me.

New Year, New Beginnings

I saw this on Facebook, and it really spoke to me about a way to view each new year.  It's a new book, what will I write on the pages of my year?  I hope the year's book will be a good read when it's done, and I close the page (God willing) in 365 days.

I've stepped away from blogging and have missed it.  I got in a rut with my emotions, felt like I was just wasting my time, boring myself and anybody who might visit with my ramblings.  I've heard lots of comments about people who blog and how it's so egocentric, and I soooo don't want to be conceited or thought of as stuck on myself.  But then I remembered that I started blogging not for people to read my thoughts or to get followers but as my own way to journal my thoughts, to share memories for down the road....  I am not an eloquent speaker or writer, but I can just jot down my thoughts, things I want to remember later, share photos for myself to cherish...  I need to do this.  Some people journal in a notebook, and I can't seem to stick with that for some reason or other- every time I try, I stop.  I was journaling here pretty regularly, and then just stopped.  Time to get back to it. :)

So with that in mind, here I go.  New year, new chapter in my book.

Merry Christmas from North Carolina

Help a Great Class

Please pardon this slightly "commercial" post.  My class is having a bookfair through Barnes & Noble.  We are trying to raise enough funds to purchase a small group set of certified, pre-owned Nook Colors.  We have two Nook Colors funded through Donors Choose, so if we could get a few more we'd be set for some great small group work!  Who knows if we raise enough money, we could even purchase some e-books for them too. :)

Here's how you can help:

Shop on Saturday, 11/24 (the big shopping weekend after Thanksgiving) at any Barnes & Noble bookstore anywhere in the nation and give the cashier our bookfair # 10928604.  A portion of your sale will go to my kinderkids. It's that simple. :)  And you will be helping a great group of kids who are eager to learn to read this year!

You can also shop online from Saturday 11/24 through Wednesday 11/28 and enter that code at checkout. 

Please feel free to pass on our class info/bookfair # to anyone you know who might be interested in helping by shopping or spreading the word.  If you would like actual, paper flyers/vouchers to hand out, please leave me a comment/email me (ebekahray@gmail.com) and I will be MORE THAN HAPPY to mail you some to pass out to your circle of family/friends/colleagues.  The thing about this I love is that anyone, anywhere in the US can help!

If you are in the High Point area, stop by and say hello on that Saturday!  We are going to have lots of fun things for the kids- a special guest reader, book giveaways, Craft Club table, candy, storytime, and school art show/display throughout the store. :)

On behalf of my kinders and myself, THANK YOU for helping in any way you can!

forgiveness

Just a word- forgiveness.  Easy to say, not easy to give.  Heard a song on the way home about forgiveness, and it occurred to me that I have a forgiveness problem.  But what really got me was when I started thinking about it, the person I just can't seem to forgive the most is me.  I wish I knew why.  

So here I am trying, once again, to fight this stupid battle of self-loathing.  I am not perfect, far, far from it.  I am not a holy, spiritual, Christ-like, devoted-to-church, never say a naughty word, never get angry, always happy, pat answer, Bible-verse spouting, "God is good all the time, all the time God is good" (though that may be true) kind of person.

I'm not like some who pride themselves on being calm, cool, collected people who never get uptight or let things get to them.  Someone was telling me about how they are like that, and I left thinking how they probably think I'm a crazy, psycho, nutcase because I am so obviously not like that.  Somehow I felt like less of a person after the conversation, and I really felt like less of a Christian.  :(  I wish I were that person, I really do. But I am not. I wish I didn't, but I do get upset about things I see at school, things that happen in the world.  I cry when I see someone else cry.  I weep when I hear about someone dying or being murdered or raped or other horrible things.  I care about people I've never even met and pray for complete strangers. I hug children - lots and lots and lots of them.  I hug homeless people and strangers.  I have given coworkers kisses on the cheek without thinking and then been embarrassed later because that was probably the most retarded thing I've ever done.  I don't know why I do these dumb things.

I have doubts and ask questions about God, about church, about the Bible, about life.  I don't doubt God is God and that He has it all figured out.  I just wonder a lot of things.  I have never really fit in church, but I really feel like a misfit now (and whether some like it or not, or will agree or not, I really am one).  I recently was asked to go out with someone from church, but after an email back, that offer seems to have vanished in the wind.  I don't even know what I said, and at this point am too embarrassed at what I must have said foolishly, once again, to go back and look at my sent box.  

I feel guilty because I love children, have loved teaching for a long, long time but am just so tired of the politics.  Tired of the way education is going, tired of all the other stuff, and then I feel guilty again because what kind of teacher am I? 

I wish I could just say what my family, friends, counselors and lots of others have said to me.  I wish I could believe it.  I wish people could understand that just because you tell me or give me a compliment doesn't make it so in my head.  But most of all I wish I could forgive me.  Maybe someday I'll arrive there.  I hope so.

And now I have to say I'm sorry because you probably think I'm just a negative person for posting this.  I promise I really am a happy person.  I laugh a lot- a LOT.  I smile and joke around constantly with my "kids" and my family and most of my coworkers.  I just don't like me.  Please don't judge.  I do it enough for you and me.

I Do Believe

My heart is heavy tonight.  A student from my first class of students was murdered with his girlfriend, and I feel silly but it is really bothering me.  I care deeply about the students and families I work with.  Once you've been one of "my kids," you're always one of my kids.  As is often the case, God talks to me through music.  I heard this song on the way home from school.  Maybe it was just coincidence, but I felt like it was God talking to me and telling me it's okay to question and wonder and have doubts.

Yes, I do doubt.  I do question and wonder, and I try to do it as respectfully as I can.  I'm no idiot- He's God, and I am not.  I don't question Him like a spoiled child throwing a fit, but more like a kid who really wants to understand her Father and is having trouble.  He made me the way I am, and He knows the things I've gone through in life and how they have helped me become who I am.  He knows I have this silly, ridiculous-sometimes heart that cries over the hurts of others & that cares, perhaps too much.  If He doesn't want me to ask Him honest questions, then I hope He will move me to someplace where I don't have to see things that make me wonder.

Until that day, no matter what, I still believe:

• that He is God, and I am not (thank goodness for that!)
• that He is good 
• that He loves us all
• that He forgives even the worst things and His mercy is forever
• that He cares so much more than I can possibly imagine
• that even in the darkest moments of pain that anyone goes through He is there 

Jeremy Camp says it way better than I ever could because, unlike this stupid, sappy, cry-too-easy teacher,  that's how God uses him. 

Projects

So before Rob and I left for Illinois, I was a busy girl working on bunches of thank you, just 'cuz, birthday and anniversary gifts to take with us.  I had the whole back seat of the suv we rented loaded down. :)  I had a lot of fun making stuff- haven't been able to do that in ages!!!  Someone asked me to share photos, so here we go.

 homemade coasters

homemade trail mix as part of my gift baskets plus some for the trip and some for the young people of course 

 a s'mores bag with all the items and tools needed to make s'mores

 A card for my friend-daughter, Rita, who just got back from Spain

 a bunch of cards for my aunt

 I made neck pillows for my aunt, sister, and all five of the Thomas crew

And now, one of God's projects-

 I had to share this- when we were leaving for IL, we stopped to fill up the gas tank.  Rob found this beautiful moth.  It was HUGE!  

 Isn't it beautiful?!?!

God makes the most wonderful things!

30 Father's Days

Today was the 30th Father's Day since my daddy left us.  It hit me in church as I heard my oldest singing.  He never knew my kids or my sister's.  He never knew Jessica or me as adults.

I know it probably sounds silly, and I can't believe it sometimes, but even after all these years, I miss him a LOT and it hurts sometimes still.  I have held it in today like I do most of the time when it hurts, but I wondered as we stood together, the five of us- what would our daddy think of us girls?  What we he think about his grandchildren and son-in-laws?

I miss him.  I can't believe it's been 30 years- how did that happen?  Man, that sounds like a long time!!!

Happy Father's Day Daddy.

Rob's Special Day

Barbara saw this idea on the net somewhere, so she and Matthew put their money together and made this candy card for Rob.   It's cute and he was pleasantly surprised.  Of course, Matthew is especially happy because he'll be eating the candy I'm sure. :)

My best friend :)

 I found a video and recipe for this- Zebra Cake.  OH. MY. WORD.  This was so simple and so delicious!!!!  Matthew and I had a fun time making the whipped cream and layering it all together and of course, licking the beaters and bowl. :)  I thought it looked good, and since the recipe had some history behind it, I thought it'd be neat for Rob (a history teacher).  This recipe was a World War II recipe women used as it was ration-friendly. 

 It was sooooo good. :)  Barbara asked me if we can make more tonight. :) :) :)