Rob is too good to me

So this weekend was not the best I've ever had. I'll spare myself and anyone who might read this the details, but I was just not a happy camper. It did not help that I woke up on Sunday and shortly after that, while trying to get ready for church I got pretty sick and felt really LOUSY all day. Lousy, like "somebody just shoot me now" and "I thought this machine was supposed to be making me better and now I feel horrible again" kind of sick. Then to add injury to insult, my face is completely a mess from the mask I am wearing at night! I just felt sick, hideously ugly, exhausted and just plain awful!

I told Rob I wanted to go live in the mountains, seriously. If I could be a hermit I wouldn't have to deal with stress, people, anything I didn't want to. I know that's fairy-tale land and not reality, but I really do wish we could afford to live up there, find a nice, simple home with a beautiful view of the mountains or a lake or stream on the land. I know that wouldn't solve all my problems, but if I could escape to a beautiful, peaceful place I could just gaze at God's workmanship and feel more at peace.

Anyway, I'm rambling on. Rob had to work on Sunday, and he beat us home from church by a little bit. When I came home I was greeted by these photos:

This sign was hanging in the doorway to our living room.

Some very pretty roses- I have never seen an orange rose so pretty as these!

This was the sweetest thing. Rob had run to the store and bought brown craft paper to make "mountains" (he was even going to do some drawing to make it look more real) and put in the window, but somewhere along the way, in his hurry to get it done before I got home, he misplaced the roll of paper between Walmart, the van, and the house. So he ran downstairs and found this snowflake wrapping paper, and he made these "snowy mountains" and taped in both our windows.

I know it might seem simple, and even a bit goofy, but this simple act of his was truly one of the sweetest things Rob has ever done for me. It meant more to me than a card or anything else he could have done! I will cherish this memory forever! And, though it didn't make me feel physically or emotionally better or solve all my problems, it did lighten my load a great deal! He is way too good to me, and I truly don't deserve this. But, God, I'm so thankful for a loving husband!

Blah!

I'm just not very happy tonight. I just wish I had the money to move to the mountains and stay to myself.

My New Nighttime Pal

Okay, for Momma who asked me to take a picture, here you go. I'm no beauty I know, and the picture quality isn't too good, but you'll get the idea. For those who don't know it, I was diagnosed with OSA (obstructive sleep apnea), and this is a CPAP machine and mask to help me breathe all night long like a person is supposed to. CPAP stands for Constant Positive Airway Pressure.

Okay, now for the ugly part, here is me with my mask all strapped on. I'm learning how to adjust it and get used to it. I still have a red welt/bruise on my nose from the first night with it where I had it on way too tight.

Thanks Momma for praying for me and about the insurance issues we had with this. With God's help I'm going to really start feeling better very quickly; I already do feel better! :)

Well, good night all. Sweet dreams for you and hopefully for me.

Rebekah :)

donorschoose.org

I just made my first proposal (kind of like a mini-grant)! I'm waiting to hear from donorschoose and hopefully in a week or so my proposal will be up and taking donations!!! If it gets fully funded, I will be starting the homework backpacks I've thought of making for years but never had the money for! I've already started making my own materials to go with the ones I've asked for, and will be looking for more books & items I can find/make/buy to make more.

This is really neat! I may have taught for a long time now, but I'm still learning too. Cool!

----------------------------------UPDATE--------------------------------

My proposal was accepted, and is now "live!" YEAH! Click on the title to go see it! :)
Hands-On Homework Bags-I

I Am Scared But Trying Hard to Please You God

In just a few minutes I am leaving for the MRI test I have to go through to rule out some problem I may or, more likely, may not have. To say I don't want to go is an understatement of HUGE proportions!!!!!!!!

The dr. gave me the (at this point especially) much cherished "happy" pills, and I will be taking the first one shortly. I am just nervous, what if they don't help me relax, what if I am still quite aware of the machine's closeness to my big, massive, obese self, what if I can't stay still in the tube, what if it takes forever, what if I can't handle it, what if I get stuck (silly I know, but seriously)...

God,

I know I am so very undeserving of even asking any favors, and I so feel like I cannot ask You for anything for myself. I don't have that feeling when I pray for others, but don't like to pray for me. But, I also know You have taken care of me even when I couldn't see it, and I know You are with me now, even if I feel so very undeserving or if I don't understand Your plan. I also know that sometimes Your plan includes pain or suffering or hard times or hurt so that we can minister to another person in our journey. I'm ready for that, I want that, and I'm not afraid of a diagnosis, I just want to make it through this test and know what's up.

So Father, would You please calm my racing heart, my fears and insecurities? Would You walk with me through this test? Would You please stay beside me in the MRI machine where my husband can't go to comfort me and hold my hand? (I know it will be a tight fit with You and me both in there, :) but I know You're skinnier than me. :) Come on God, You know You are laughing at me, Your silly child!) Would You please help me not flip out from the fear of this extremely tight space? Would You just let me rest in You and, literally, rest and just sleep through it all? And most of all God, would You in Your wisdom and love please let there be an answer in this test, even if it is a disease or a label, Lord, I'd really, honestly, rather have that than a bunch of $ and tests and still no answer as to the problems I'm having. Because I know You can heal me of a disease or a name or You will help me live with it if that is what You want. Most of all, I just want to know what's causing me to feel so bad, You heal me of it or provide me with a way to live and deal with it, and hopefully I will let You shine through me in it all. Please God, let me get this one right. Let me please You.

With much love,
Your goofy child, Rebekah

Listening

I'm in a week long training for mentors, and today one of the trainers read us this piece on listening. It says a lot of what I feel sometimes about people I've confided in, friends, family, and I know it is something I need to remember when others are talking to me. So I hope that I have become and will continue to become a better listener. For those who might read this and know me, I apologize for times when I wasn't so good at listening to you.

On Listening (an excerpt by Ralph Roughton, M.D.)

When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen; not talk or do- just hear me. I can do for myself. I'm not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and feeling of inadequacy. But when you accept as fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I don't need advice.

Our Graduate

Well, graduation was wonderful (mostly), and we were all so very, very proud of Robert!!! The day was busy but great (I didn't know my house would hold so many people), and I think he had a nice weekend with his family and youth group and friends. I would have posted photos sooner but didn't want to spend the time our family was here sitting on the computer, so I waited.

Robert played with the band for his last time. Here he is (far right) getting a picture with his band teacher, Mr. Butler, and the other senior band members.

My shot of him getting his handshake and diploma turned out lousy, but this one I like. He was walking back to his seat.

Robert, the new high school graduate!

My three kids!

:)

It still doesn't seem like it's real (that's how it's been everytime) but in about an hour, my momma, pop, and sister will pull into my driveway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I left work early a bit to get the kids and do last minute chores and such and finish my report cards. I'm going to go do the printing of those now so I can try to have that done before they get here! I'm so happy they're here, even though my head is spinning and I feel lousy. I need a momma right now to love on me and be here with me for graduation.

THANKS GOD for allowing them to be here!

This afternoon while wrapping up our day in class with my kinderkids, I realized that today was Robert's last day of high school. Bad mom me, I meant to make a big deal with him this morning and tell him mushy stuff and all that. (Robert's probably thinking, "Yeah, saved by the forgetful mom.") Originally I had thought Rob & I could get up way early and take him out for breakfast; yeah, that didn't happen either.

So I made sure I was there for him when school got out, and instead of breakfast I let him choose what kind of after school treat he wanted. We ended up at Starbucks later (after a few sidetracks- that's another Oprah!).

So, no more high school for Robert. He has grad practice on Thursday morning and a breakfast after and then he's done. Tomorrow he's going to my school to help and hang out. It will be his first day as an "official" volunteer- complete with signing in in the office and wearing a volunteer tag.

So begins the next stage of my motherhood- having an adult child. I can't think of a better way to start this leg of the road, and what an honor that Robert wants to spend his first day out of school with me at my work!!!! He'll never know how much this means to me!!!!!!!

Thanks God for, well, everything!

It's almost here

This time next weekend, I will be cleaning up from Robert's graduation party! I am sure I will be exhausted and quite happy. My momma and pop, and sister too, will be here. I will have seen my first child graduate from high school. I will have served home-made lasagna and all the other requisites of a lasagna dinner to 30-50 people.

It's going to be a BUSY week! Today we are busy getting the house ready, buying food for ourselves, for our company, and for the party, plus Matthew and I did our decorations shopping too. On Friday, I'm taking a personal day to visit with my family, get all that food ready to go, decorate, and somehow in all that, I'm going to try to squeeze in a quick trip to the strawberry patch to meet my class on their last field trip. (I sure hate to miss a field trip, but my kid and family are more important).

I still have to pick up and put away a bunch of school stuff that's been piling up, update and balance my checkbook, and pay all my bills too tonight. Plus, I've got all that assessment stuff to record, enter online, document.... and report cards to do this week too. (Yeah, and think, I only teach K!) My list of things that have to get done in this week at work is overwhelming too, and I know I am going to have to make some choices this week about what I can and can't do. I'm learning that I just can't do everything that I want to, and though I hate not being the best and perfect at what I do, I'm slowly learning to accept that I can't be perfect, just the best I can be. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I do not know how I will ever get it all done, so I better get going. I still have a second job which hasn't been getting any hours from me either. YIKES!!!!!!!! I'm just not as good at that as Rob is, but that's another thing I've learned to accept- I cannot be as good as Rob or my mom in many things no matter how hard I try. I am not trying too hard anymore, just learning to be me.

Okay, I'm leaving this rambling thought process now as I have to get going on this list of things.

Graduation is coming! Graduation is coming! Graduation is coming!!!

Senior Awards Night

Getting ready to go- "Is this tie too long?

My handsome soon-to-be-high-school-graduate

Robert and Miss Junior Marshall (yeah, she's only a LITTLE excited about this!)

Graduation is almost here! I better go buy a BIG box of tissue!!!!!!!!!!!

Lovely Lambs Ear

Barbara says I have a love affair with this plant, but I do really love it. It is up there on my list of favorites. Its leaves are SO SO SO soft!!!! I had planted three last year, and this year they're blooming!!! I didn't even know they bloomed!!!!!!! I think they are so pretty, and I do love them! Here are some shots of my lambs ear from near the carport. I bought several more to put in the backyard this spring, so next year the backyard should be full of them too!!!

Very tiny blooms up close

Can you see how soft they are from this photo? OOOOhhhh!!!!

Another Day to Remember for Barbara

Today Barbara was inducted into the National Honor Society! Rob & I were both able to leave work early enough to be there for her. I teasingly told her that if she was honored for anything else I didn't care- I wasn't leaving work. :) :) :) She did have an awards program this morning, but I couldn't do both.

Here are some photos of both of my NHS students! I love my kids, and I am so proud of them!!!

And with Ms. Weinkle, one of their teachers and the NHS advisor.

Fish Funeral

Today at school I helped the children have a fish funeral. It was probably a little silly looking to any other adult, but it was sweet.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Off to the Hospital I Go

I'm off to Wake University/Baptist Hospital for my second night. :( I miss my family, and HATE being away from them. I'm supposed to sleep and rest, but will not do either very well without my family near me. Oh well, I'll make it.

I just feel really lousy again, can't miss work, and don't want to go. Waaaaaa....

Okay, shower time and leaving.

Barbara's Special Day

Barbara was inducted into the National Beta Club last week. This honor was the result of her good grades and the recommendation of a teacher. Rob and I were both able to get away from our schools to be there for her. It was a nice time to show her our support and be a proud dad & mom.

This is Barbara and our "adopted son" Dunamis. :)

Barbara and her "peeps."

A Wish Rewritten

I recently received a forward that contained this message in it:

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.

Though it's nice, it made me think about what I would really wish for someone, a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a family member, someone I love deeply. Though I am among the top of the list when it comes to enjoying, and some days craving, an easy day with everything in its place and life running smoothly, are these the truly important things I would really want to wish for myself or someone else? And are these little things really miracles?

So I think I'll rewrite this wish:

• A bird's gentle, sweet song to wake you.
• A beautiful sunrise on your way to work that helps you reflect on the Maker and His beauty.
• An opportunity to smile at a stranger or to tell them "Good morning," and see them smile back.
• Seeing someone in need and being thankful for the food in your pantry, the clothes on your back, the roof over your head, & the job that provides you money for all those needs (and maybe even the joy of knowing you fed someone who would have gone without supper otherwise).
• A song in your heart to lighten your load.
• Wisdom to deal with all life's hassles- from the lost keys to the unbalanced checkbook and unpaid bills, the arguing kids and the looming deadlines.
• Peace in the storm & in Him who can keep you safe in His arms.

The Future

Something has been "suggested" to me now several times, but today it became a bit more of a possibility. I don't want to say more here yet, but likely will as God reveals my future to me. But I sure want God to show Himself to me, reveal His will and the path He wants me to take and the plans He has for my future.

God, show me Your way, and guide me in Your paths.

So Tired

I have never been so tired in my whole life.

Thankful for Being a Mom

I am so very thankful, beyond the words I can write here, to be a mom. Our kids mean more to me with each passing year. They have taught me a great deal about God's love, about life, about being a mom, about love and acceptance, about joy and happiness. I never knew I could love so deeply until I became a mom, and I never knew I could love so deeply until the years started passing me by and they've become almost grown. That love I felt when I felt my children move inside me or when they were handed to me after they were born has only grown each year; I had no idea how much I would love these children.

I enjoy being home with my family more than anything, more than any place I could visit, more than any other activity I could do. No one else fills me with more pride and joy. It has been a thrill to watch them grow and learn and experience life, and though I am feeling some small bit of sadness to know I soon have to let them go, I am thrilled to watch them grow and become the young adults they are. I look forward to the future and seeing them graduate, finish college, start their life's work and ministries, date, marry, and begin families of their own.

I know my time with my children at home is drawing to a close, and though I will hate to see it end, I know the next stage of my life as mom will be a wonderful and joyful one.

Thank You God for allowing me to be a mom. Thank you for all the little moments I've had to enjoy: the little handfuls of flowers, the cards and pictures and creations I've received, the snuggles and the night-time "company" we sometimes had, the laughter, and yes, the times of pain and worry and stress, the many, many memories and stories I have to remember our time. Thank You for teaching me about Your love through mother-hood; there has been no other method in my life that has helped me understand You and Your love more than being a mom. Thank You for it all, Father.

A Gift

I must have a gift for upsetting people. In the past three weeks I've had three people unload a lot of anger, frustration, hurt at me, and I continue to never know if I will upset or offend those I work with or not on a daily basis.

I've decided that I must have a knack, a gift, or special talent for upsetting people. The thing that bothers me most is that I haven't tried to hurt people, didn't intend to, deliberately or sneakily try to say or do anything, and wasn't even aware that what I had said or done did offend until I got nasty emails, voice mails, or told off in person or behind my back and within earshot. Maybe I've got some subconscious thing going on where I really am an ugly person who means to be hurtful and mean.

Yesterday was my final straw- I left the cafeteria in the middle of setting up for our Mothers' Day Tea and went to do my paperwork to take leave. Stuck it in my boss's hand and told her "I've had enough for one week. I've been sent an ugly email and just yelled at all before 7:15. I'm done for this week. I'm going home." And I did take a half day and went home to be me and a mom for Barbara.

I must be a real witch just hiding behind my pretend smile and kind face. I am really going to re-evaluate the person I am because I'm tired of people telling me off via email and tired of being told how ugly a person I really am.

Yeah, it's back to that Momma. I don't like me again, and to be honest, right now, I don't like people (in the adult form at least). I'm tired of everything!

Robert's Concert video clip

I've got a longer clip, but am having trouble uploading it. Here is a short clip of last night's band concert. Robert is sitting on the end of the second row from the right.

The First of the Lasts...

I've been recording some of the firsts of Robert & our family lately- his first election, our first senior pictures, and such. Well tonight marked the first of my "lasts." My last band concert with my oldest child. I was a bundle of emotions- from prouder than proud to happy, sad, nostalgic, and more than I could probably even recognize or name.

It's been a long time since we took that young boy to pick out an instrument. From that night when he tried out several and settled on the french horn. From the time when he had his first band concert, and I was so proud of his rough notes and grinned in understanding at his nerves (though he wouldn't admit it then and probably not now). From all the nights and all the concerts and contests. I look back now and think about how hard it was, financially, to provide that horn- a used one at that- for him, but it was a gift I wanted to give my kids, a talent I wanted them to explore.

Where has time gone? How is it possible this chapter in my life is about to end and another begin? I know the next one will be just as good or even better, and I know I will enjoy watching it unfold before my eyes just as I have loved almost every single moment of this chapter in my life. It's not that I'm sad or afraid of the future; I look forward to all that God may bless us with in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. It's just that I really realize that this time in my life is almost over. No more little ones who need a mommy. It's a bit of sorrow for the times I let slip by me, the moments that I might have missed, the opportunities now gone forever. There are so many things I wanted to do with my kids, things & experiences I wanted to share with them, lessons I should have taught them better, examples I should have set, things I did that I wish I could undo. They're not regrets, but almost.

I know I will adjust to this new part of my life and love it as much, and hopefully even more. I look forward to knowing my children as adults and, I pray, as friends. I look forward to watching them start their own lives, make the big decisions, establish themselves in the adult world, touch lives through their work and ministries, start their own families, add to my life more daughters and a son and grandchildren. But, right now, I'm so not ready to let go of this last page of this chapter. I am going to savor these last few lines before I must turn the page. I am going to read this ending very slowly for it will help me look forward to the next one in my life.

God, I am so very thankful for Your allowing me to be the mommy that I always wanted to be. I can never thank you enough for my children and all the joy and love they've given me, the lessons they've taught me, the happiness and wonderful memories I hold dear in my heart. Help me to savor them, but not hold onto the past. Help me to let go now and release these precious ones back to You who gave them to me for a short time. Keep them in You always and help them to grow closer to You and to rely on You always.

Robert's 1st Election

My baby voted yesterday- his first time!

Forgiveness and Grace

My prayer tonight is from another song I love,

"Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace. I need You, need Your help. I can't do this myself. You're the only one who can undone what I've become."

Today I was not what I should have been. I am angry and hurt and disappointed in a student who lied and half-truthed about me and a family member who called me and very angrily insisted, more like demanded, on my explanation as well as accusing me of treating this child unfairly. I feel very betrayed especially knowing how much love I have given all my kids, including this student. Knowing that I had shared my heart for children with this person so I thought she knew how I felt about my kids- all of them. Knowing, though only Rob & Kristen knew this before, how much of my own personal money I spent to buy this particular child (and not the others) books to be able to continue her reading since she has surpassed my own classroom library. Knowing how I am the only teacher who does a "class store" and the money someone is upset with me about was my own money given freely to my children from my own purse and bank account... I could go on and on, but I shouldn't.

Today, that child thought she could misbehave and I wouldn't discipline her because of the angry phone call I received yesterday. She pushed every button she could today and looked to see if I was watching and what I would do about it.

I am also tired of feeling like I'm supposed to bring grade level together or that it's my fault if it is not. I'm tired of feeling like the odd duck in the group. I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I am different than my coworkers. I don't think I'm something special or better than anyone else, I'm just me trying to be me and be my best- not better than them, just better than I was a day ago or a week ago.

I am just hurt and tired and angry. Some days those hugs and love just almost don't make up for the rough side of teaching. Thankfully, though, I got a hug from the child from whom I would have least expected it, and it came at just the right time. I'll think on that, pray that prayer up above, and ask God to help me to forgive, turn the other cheek, and be able to go in and do my job tomorrow. I'll pray for the family member who is angry with me too, though that is hard.

Flower Beds- Beginnings

We've been working a little bit here and there to make some improvements in the yard where we rent and live. This weekend, the boys, Rob & I put in a lot of work all helping out. Here are some photos of what we did. We've never done this much anywhere we've lived, but thanks to some unexpected money for being a cooperating teacher, I was able to buy some pretty plants, and we "went to town." Here are some beginning photos of our house and flower beds. I'll put some more up later.


And one other MAJOR accomplishment for me- I only feel slightly guilty spending my money on this and not something else we could have used or more practical. It was so nice to do this! I don't think I've ever spoiled myself like that before! :)



The front of the house has hanging baskets with one of my favorites- fuchsia! I made the window boxes I found at Walmart for $6 each just porch boxes and planted impatiens in them. Then in the flower bed in front of the house there are: hostas, false indigo in purple & yellow, more impatiens, a single fern that we planted last fall which survived the winter and the squirrels, Irish moss, blue star creeper, Aztec grass, and a few petunias. I painted my rusted plant stand and put my houseplants back out for the summer too now that the colder night air is definitely gone!


Matthew wanted an herb garden, so here is his patch. He planted basil, thyme, peppermint, and two lambs ear that I gave him too. I LOVE lambs ear. Plus in the center is the lavender I planted last year. In the extreme drought we've been under it died off, and I thought it was just money I'd wasted, but to my surprise last week, I went back and found it had survived after all and was growing again! :) Oh, and we aren't sure, but we think the stuff in the back is the chives I planted last year too. ??? We're waiting to see.

Okay, I'm turning into Pop. But that's okay. I had the boys help me split/move some hostas. We put hostas and impatiens by the shed in back in the small flower beds. Should be pretty this summer!

After close to three years here, I finally noticed that one of the big trees in the back yard is a tulip tree. In my defense, the branches are not down low enough to see and the blooms rest up on top of the leaves so they are hard to find. My kids had not seen these before. I was so excited to discover this bloom. It was on the only branch even close to my reach. Robert and I had to stretch a bit to get this photo.

I have a few more hostas to split and move. Robert, Matthew, and I will start a row of hostas and caladiums behind the house by the basement windows next. Then I've still got a flat of marigolds and petunias to plant out back. Plus Rob tilled up two patches for me to plant all my TONS of sunflower seeds. We're going to have a pretty yard this summer!

Irises

This was an iris in our yard last week right after a rainshower. When I was little, these were my favorite flower. I think it was our neighbor in Mitchell, but I remember someone had purple irises growing in their yard and I loved them!

I'm enjoying "picking" flowers with my camera. This way I can enjoy them even after they're done blooming and gone.

And Momma you will be getting this one for your book. :)

Whew! I made it!

I know, I know everyone's busy. I know everyone has a lot of things going on and lots of responsibilities and lots to do. Let me say here that I am not complaining. I am just wanting to record our very busy day so later I can look back and see what all Rob & I and the kids accomplished. Someday when my children are grown and gone- which won't be that much longer actually- I might want to remember how life was so hectic and how much I actually did. Maybe I'll actually cut myself some slack someday, nah-- probably not, but you never know. :)

So with that in mind, it was a very busy Saturday:

• Barbara took the SAT test and had to be at the test site about 7:30.
• Kristen graduated at 9 AM from High Point University; I was invited to go and really wanted to attend for her and to see/hear Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, but I had to make myself not go. I felt a little guilty, but I'll get over it soon I'm sure.
• I had to make my menu and grocery list.
• Make the grocery run which means Save-a-Lot first, then home to unload, then to Walmart to get what the first store didn't have.
• Rob worked on yard & house things and shampooed the carpets (boy were they needing it!) and who knows what else he did. :)
• Sometime after noon/1:00, we knew we'd get a call to pick Barbara up from her test.
• I made a stop at Lowe's to look for some plants. I was going to pick something out for myself for Mothers' Day plus I got a check from the university (I was not expecting that!) for being Kristen's cooperating teacher, so I ended up spending it all on flowers. I've always wanted to do that, but never done it in the 19 years we've been married!!! I had so much fun just buying pretty things for my yard and spending time with Matthew who helped me make my choices. I bought so much it filled the car and we had to run home before I could finish my grocery run at Walmart.
• Robert had to be at work at 2:00.
• Barbara was home by then, so she & I did the Walmart run, and boy did I have to rush.
• We came home, Babs and Matthew unloaded the car while Rob & I quickly changed clothes and got ready to leave for Kristen's graduation party.
• We drove an hour to Salisbury, NC, for Kristen's party. Stayed about an hour. It was very nice, and she wanted to introduce me to some of her family. She has the nicest mom and dad, and of course her hubby is a great guy too!
• We had to leave at 5:00, we'd only been there about 45-50 minutes, because we had to be back to pick up Robert from work.
• Barbara had to be at her babysitting job at 5:30, but thankfully they didn't mind to come pick her up this week (usually we take her one way and then they bring her home).
• We made it back to G'boro and Robert at 6:15.
• I should have clocked into work, but the boys and I started working on planting my flowers. We had a nice time working together. Now my front flower bed in front of the house is so pretty. The landlord should be pleased the next time he/she drives by. And for as long as we are here, I will have some pretty perennials to enjoy. I will try to take some photos later and post for my Pop who likes to landscape and do yard work. (Pop, I think I'm turning into you because I had the boys move some hostas to different places, and I found several hostas in the back that need to be split.) :) :) :)
• While we three worked up front, Rob borrowed the neighbor's tiller and worked in the backyard getting our patches tilled up for sunflowers and more.
• I found some vine on the house and it has grown up under the eaves. I started pulling away and cutting it out, when I realized it was poison ivy. I didn't think I was allergic, but came in and washed right away just in case. The way things have been with me lately, you never know. :)

So that was my Saturday. Yeah, it was a busy, but nice day!

One foot in front of the other

That's all I'm doing right now. One foot in front of the other and repeat. :)

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, but I know I don't have a choice and I know God will help me make it.

For such is the kingdom...

Yes, His kingdom is like this. :) Read on...

My class enjoyed some yummy popsicles and were amazed to see their tongues changing colors. I told them we'd take a silly picture of them sticking their tongues out at me. Ummm.... :) I'm a goofy teacher, but we had fun and believe me, I needed it!

The past two days have not been good for me. I won't record the details because they aren't important for me to remember someday if I look back at this journal entry. It will suffice to say that people can be hurtful, sometimes very much so. I left school today during the middle of the day for about an hour and fell apart after two days of mean and hurtful things; I am exhausted and sick and just came to the end of my rope for this week. I just got on the interstate and drove and cried and prayed and ended up calling my momma before I pulled myself together and went back to work.



I was all prepared to sit down and write it all out, to spill my guts here, but then I've had time to think about it and what I really want to remember is that once again, in the midst of frustration and hurt, God used my little ones to love me and to teach me.

I don't like pictures of me, but I love the kid in this picture, Kevin, my hugger!

Several times over the past couple days Kevin kept coming up to me in the middle of centers, on the playground, at lunch, throughout the day at various times and just bear hugging me for no apparent reason, whispering to me, "I love you." (I need to tape his voice as there are no words that can describe Kevin's voice to you; I absolutely adore it when he talks- it is just simply precious!) Kevin gives the best, biggest, longest, most heartfelt hugs I've ever had. Then Abbie, who likes me I know but doesn't normally give me hugs and such, just came up to me yesterday and today to hug me several times, again just out of the blue for no obvious reason that I'm aware of. Matthew, who has very slowly warmed up to me, brought me a handful of flowers and spent his whole recess today picking me flowers along with Jiquan and posing for my camera.

Matthew's gift to me today- a handful of flowers and silly faces- God used this little boy to make me smile and laugh at the end of this stressful week.

It made me think a lot about the scriptures where Jesus talked about children and the kingdom of heaven. This is what God loves about children. Though they certainly can be mean- I've seen it plenty of times- they have an ability to love people despite their faults that adults sometimes lose. My kids don't see me as a fat lady, an ugly lady, or any of the other things I've heard in public or even say about myself. My children love me for the person I am inside, the person they see, the real me. Just like my heavenly Father. Azka told me this week, "You're beautiful." Timera said, "You pretty." Maybe God was speaking through them too.


Whatever the case may be, I know God used my children to speak to me in a difficult time and to give me back some of the love I've given away to them. I needed it Lord, it was a "rainy day" for me on the inside, and though you didn't take away the rain, you sent a ray of your light into my little storm to make a beautiful rainbow in my day. I thank you for that. And though I can't give you back much, I offer you whatever I have that I can do or say. And I share these photos as my testament of the love You sent me today on a bad day.

I've Got Peaches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year for Mothers' Day, the kids bought (with their own money) me a peach tree. We watered that tree as much as we could with water restrictions and even prayed for that tree when it was so hot and dry. :) Matthew just came running in to tell me we've got peaches! YEAH! How cool is that! I've never grown any fruit before, so this is really neat!

Bring the Rain

Mercy Me sings:
"I am Yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above... You who made a way for me, suffering your destiny. So, tell me what's a little rain? So I pray, bring me joy, bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings you glory. I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you, then Jesus bring the rain."

Okay, God, no matter what I'm going to praise You. So if you must, well, bring on the rain. I'm ready because I know You go with us. :)

Romans 8:35-39 (my paraphrase) Who shall separate me from God's love? In anything that comes my way, I will finish this journey with Him because He loves me (even when I doubt myself or how He could possibly love me). I am convinced that there is nothing on this earth, no problem, no sickness, no lack of strength, no trial, no person, no power, nothing in the past or the future, no self-doubts or worries that can keep me from God's love.

Nice Evening

Matthew and I just spent some time planting two flower beds with seeds I bought last month in my eagerness for Spring! :) Pop bought good soil and mulch and put it around our magnolia tree last Thanksgiving when they came out, so we planted a mix of flower seeds (blues, pinks, whites) all around under that. Then we planted the bed next to the carport with mammoth and Mexican sunflowers, echinacia, black-eyed Susans, gillardia, shasta daisies, alyssum, morning glories, and moonflowers. I can hardly wait until they all start growing!!!! Last year, the Mexican sunflowers, especially, attracted TONS of butterflies and hummingbirds.

We're going to plant a couple more big patches of sunflowers and more. Just not sure how quickly that will get done in the next couple weeks with all the jobs, drama club, sports, school functions, and more, but hopefully soon. At least, we got a start on it today.

It was a nice evening. Hey, I even felt good enough to cook dinner after too, that's an accomplishment! :)

Night!

It's Done!

Well, yesterday, I drove downtown after picking up Robert from school and before going back for Barbara :) and delivered my packet of TOY portfolios to the human resources office. Whatever the outcome, whatever God has planned for me, I did the best I could and it's done. It's in His hands now.

Momma, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for proofreading, offering your comments and constructive criticism to me. You helped me make it a whole lot better!!!!!!!!!!! I start to say "I couldn't have done it without you," but yeah, I could have, it just wouldn't have been anywhere nearly as good as it ended up being. I got compliments from the two fellow teachers I shared it with, my principal, and our CF at school brought it back to me with this comment, "Only one word, Rebekah, 'outstanding!'" :) :) :)

So now I can go back to being who I am: goofy, quirky, Big Mama, loud, and silly me. :)

Laughing Out Loud- on the inside where it counts

I have to put this down to remember. I'm dying laughing inside, but being the good mommy I should be, I am not letting it show so as to not hurt someone's feelings.

Barbara is doing her schoolwork and just asked me an interesting question.

"Mommy, what's cannabis?" I told her it was pot. Okay, now I'm quoting here folks! "Really? When did they change its name?"

Serious as a heart attack! Oh my word! That kid is so smart, but sometimes she can be a complete and total ditz! :)

HA! HA! HA! I'm dying to tell Rob this one! :)

It's been a beautiful day here in NC (at least this part of NC anyway). :) I drove home with all four windows down and enjoyed the warm breeze and the sunshine.

Rob, Robert, and Barbara are all working for the Greensboro Grasshoppers this year, and ball season has started so there is someone working almost every night now. Rob is tired after teaching all day, running home from school to grab a sandwich and turn right back around to go to the ballpark. I will be starting the second job soon and then things ought to get really interesting around here.

I'm still fighting the dizzies, but I can make it. :) I haven't had to take any of my "zombie medicine" since Tuesday, so that's a plus. I've just been toughing it out as much as I can.

I have my teacher of the year portfolio done and all the copies printed and assembled as instructed, and will be dropping it off downtown tomorrow afternoon. Whew! Glad that's done! :)

Okay, I've said nothing really, but that's okay, do I ever really? :)

Appreciation

There are a few simple things in life I've learned to appreciate more lately:

• taking a shower
• driving down the highway
• taking a walk (and enjoying it)
• feeling good
  
  I'm really tired of this vertigo/meneire's crap! I don't like me, and don't know how my family can even stand to put up with my constant not feeling good. Yeah,
  I definitely appreciate the days when I feel at least less sick.
  
  And, no today isn't one of those days. But, I'll live to take a walk, enjoy a hot shower, drive without weaving or at least feeling like I am, and feel good another day. Thank you God for helping me until then.

My Dogwood Tree

Well, okay it's not really "my tree" since it belongs to the landlord, but while I pay rent & live here, it's mine. :) I went out into the rain tonight to get a picture or two from my dogwood tree. I love these trees!

One Way Streets

I've just decided- I don't like one way streets.

Happy Spring!

I went to the Bog Gardens today with two of the kids! It was beautiful!

Miss You Daddy

Today was the day you left us, 26 years ago. I know it's been a long, long time now, and I'm all grown up with a family almost grown up of my own now. I just wanted to say that though I'm now older than you lived to be, I still think of you and miss you. Your oldest grandson will graduate in just a couple months, and I think of how proud you would be of him. I think of how you would love picking on your granddaughter, like Rob does. How much you would enjoy sitting with Matthew and watching sports. How you would enjoy Rob's sense of humor and joking around with our family. How you would love to sit and play the guitar with Rob or hear the kids play their instruments or wrestle with the boys. You would fit right in with us, and I can almost hear your laugh as we sit around and kid with each other and pick on each other. I can almost see you here with us, laughing and being part of us. I guess you do live on in the kids. I just miss you and wanted you to know.

Love,
Your Rebekah

In Memory of Uncle Ralph & My Daddy

Yesterday my uncle was buried in Illinois. I was unable to attend the funeral being way out here in NC and without enough funds to see my way there and back again. This song has become one of my favorites, it helped me think of the place where my daddy died and better understand that is where he "flew to meet Jesus." When my momma was sick with cancer, and I wasn't sure if she would make it or not, I listened to this song a lot. When I die, I hope a long time from now, this is a song I'd like played at my funeral.

So, in honor of my aunt and two cousins, and in memory of my uncle and my own daddy who died 26 years ago this month,

Sometimes Love

I'm listening to Chris Rice today. I had forgotten this song, "Sometimes Love," but it says to a "T" how I feel about this world & what I'm doing in it. I know how sinful I am (who claims to be His child) & so I often doubt that I can possibly be doing much or that my puny efforts can be very effective against so much evil, but I have to hope and pray.



Is our world spinning backwards?

What has brought about this change?

Can’t you see that people aren’t the same...


I wish I were dreamin’, and could wake up from my sleep,

and find us all the way we used to be...

‘Cause the love that used to be is dyin’. Is anybody even tryin’?

And I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but somethin’ in my soul is cryin’


Sometimes love has to drive a nail into its own hand.

Sometimes love has to drive a nail into its own hand.



One pair of hands broke some bread and washed some feet.

Opened eyes and soothed an angry sea.
Belong to a man who could see our deepest need, and showed us love the way it has to be.


‘Cause he knew the price that love requires. And he laid down his own desires...

He stretched out his hands to save his friends, and said "no other love is higher."



Sometimes love has to drive a nail into its own hand.

Sometimes love has to drive a nail into its own hand.


Love can change us, love can make a way. Only Jesus' love can change us, love can make a way.





Please God, let Your love change me and help me to show Your love to others so that they can be changed too. Let Your love shine through me to give hope to those in need.

Very Weary

This has been a long day, and I am "dog-tired!" This was the day for our monthly parent meetings, entitled "Kinder Coaches." Ms. Jackson came up with this idea last summer before we started Kinder Camp, and I have been helping her with every one; it's been her and I each month planning it, and me doing a lot of the work to help her out. I enjoy putting together handouts and learning centers for parents and children to do together! That's right up my alley!

Today, I had to set up for two of these parent meetings, one at 7:30 AM & another at 6:00 PM, and I had little/no help at either one. I had to put tables down for other teachers and back up for the p.e. teacher, then back down again this afternoon for the 2nd meeting. There was little/no participation from other teachers, and our attendance was significantly down from previous parent meetings. We had only 7 kids and their parents this morning, and only three this afternoon. :( This evening, I had to get the food from the store, come back and ended up setting everything from food, to handouts & sign in sheets, to all the learning stations without any staff help. Thank God for Barbara, who came and helped me out! I wouldn't have made it without her! I don't mind doing stuff and it's okay if I have to do a lot; in fact, I prefer to do the behind the scenes type work. I'm just really tired, and my back & feet are hurting.

I'm happy to be home. Good night!

I hate death!

I know it's part of life, and I know it's not healthy or normal for me to feel the way I do about it, but I HATE death. It causes so much hurt and leaves people lonely and sad and having to figure out how to move on.

I had a bad day....

I know there's a song with that line in it, but I don't know what the rest is. Oh well. It was a bad day at work today, and I'm really frustrated. I'm really glad it's Friday.

Dear God,
It's me, your wacky child. So, You know I've been working on this portfolio for this nomination for t-o-y. You know it's got me really frustrated. Lord, I know people think I'm all that braggy stuff- it's embarrassing sometimes, but You know me better than anyone else, and I know me, know my day in & day out, my failings (many they are!), my strengths and weaknesses... I so don't feel worthy of winning something like this. And I so don't know how to write what needs to be written for this portfolio.

And then, I feel a bundle of emotions too, because though I don't really feel like I should win such an award, I won't lie and say it wouldn't be a really neat thing to actually win county, or especially state t-o-y. I can't even begin to imagine that! I don't see how it could happen; I'm sure I'm not enough of the kind of teacher that could would that. I'm just me, a teacher who really loves her kids and families and tries to show that in everything I do. I try to see the best in each child, no matter how badly they behave. When I teach my kids, I imagine it's You that's teaching. When I hug my kids, pat them on the head or shoulder, smile at them from across the room, cafe, sidewalk... when I show them the "I love you" sign language sign and they show it back, well all those times I feel like it's You doing it and it's just my hand or face or arms. But, sure, I'd really like to win that. It would probably boost my self-esteem, but then again, You probably know whether it would make me conceited too. ??? I don't know.

So, anyway, will You help me with this portfolio? Will You give me the words I should say? Will You help me to represent You as I write this and when it goes to whomever it goes to? Will You let the people who read my portfolio see You in it? That's what I really want, no matter what. And help me to keep my eyes on You and nothing else.

Thanks God! I'm more appreciative of all You do for me, more than I can say. I hope You can see it inside me- where I hope it really counts...

Rebekah :)

Oh My Goodness!

I did something today, I don't think I've ever done in my adult life. If I have, it's so rare I don't remember it.

I slept until noon! WOW!!!!!!!!!! That's so unlike me, and I don't even feel very guilty- that's even more rare!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all! I'm just shocked at myself!

AJE Teacher of the Year

Oh my! Momma said she wants to see this posted on my blog, so for you Momma, here it is. I was voted Allen Jay Elementary "Teacher of the Year" this past week. I'm still kind of shocked/surprised, and a more than a bit embarrassed at the attention and honor. I had been nominated last year too, and as I figured, I didn't get it. Another teacher, Mrs. Grubb, received the honor, and she was far more deserving of it than I. I was asked by several people this year if I would allow myself to be nominated, and I almost said no.

My momma has "lectured" me about not saying stupid things that I actually do want to say, such as "I don't really deserve this honor," or "I'm not really that good a teacher." So, I've been practicing obeying my momma and just saying "Thank you" to the coworkers who offer congratulations.

I have to do a portfolio and a lot of writing for this. My principal and a couple coworkers have told me that I will have to work extra hard to "brag" on myself since that is hard for me. In fact, my principal said I had to turn my writing in to her to critique and check beforehand since she knows this will be an issue for me. :)

I can't imagine it ever happening, it would be conceited to think I'm good enough to do it, and I don't know if I could handle it, but it might be neat to actually "win" this and become the county teacher of the year or even state teacher of the year. Yeah, I'm sure that would be conceited. It would be neat though.

Oh well, enough of that. I'm just happy to be what I've always wanted to be- a wife, a mom, and a teacher. That was my dream, and I've been living it for a long time now. Whatever else happens is just the "icing on the cake."

Paybacks For Robert

Yesterday was definitely not a "banner day" for Robert. It started with his bank card being stolen, his account being emptied, and him now being overdrawn. As if that wasn't enough for one day for a kid about to turn 18, he ended his day and started this one in the emergency room.

Let me back up to share this story. When we were still living in DeWitt, Iowa, the boys were playing at church after a Royal Rangers event. Rob was there to pick them up & talking to the pastor- who didn't much care for our kids after this event. The boys were chasing each other or playing tag or something when Robert pushed Matthew (playing) and he fell into a row of bikes and busted two teeth. He came home with one tooth chipped but still holding together, and one tooth busted and holding the piece that broke off in his hand. There was Matthew with a bloody and painful mouth and crying and Robert looking very scared and sad that he had hurt his brother unintentionally.

Jump back to 2008 now. Last night, while Rob was gone delivering Barbara to a babysitting job, the boys went into the backyard to play a little hockey. They didn't have a puck so they improvised and used the next best thing- a chewed-up dog bone, of course! I know you were thinking the same thing- "What better improvised puck then a dog bone." Well, things were going along fine until Robert took a direct hit to his chin from just a few feet away. Yup, you guessed it, there was some blood. He came running into the house laughing a lot and asking me like it was a joke, "Where's the blood coming from?" As he turned to go to the bathroom, I could see that it was a BIG cut. I got up to follow him to the bathroom where he was realizing it was more serious than he knew. I saw white (I think the bone, but who knows?) under all the blood. I immediately started grabbing my glasses, keys, purse, cell phone, and trying to call Rob and get Matthew from the backyard (where he was probably waiting, scared to come inside). I had to help Robert find a shirt and put it on (he had taken his new shirt he was wearing off to keep it from being ruined from the blood). Stupid me put a wife-beater tee on him.

So, off we went to Primecare, me thinking it would be a $20 copay and they'd get him stitched up just fine. I called Rob and he got in the driveway just as we were pulling out. He stayed home to start dinner so it would be ready when we got home (both of us thinking it would be a couple hours at the most). When we got to Primecare, the nurses were just about to come out, only they looked like they were scared to come out with this kid in a wife-beater and a bloody rag and blood all over him standing there. They had just closed up and were going home. When they saw me, they finally opened the door. We had to go to the E.R., so off I went, speeding along like a maniac across town trying to go as fast as I could, not get us in a wreck and not get caught speeding too. Robert was starting to hurt by this point and hollering.

We got to the ER and signed in only to wait ........... and wait ..................... and wait............... and wait. Well, you get the idea. We were told we were looking at a 5-6 hour wait, but the other hospital in town was an even longer wait (and I knew from another experience visiting a coworker in the ER that this would be true). It was an "interesting" wait- the waiting room was full of people that looked like they might have the flu and many were wearing masks. Most of the people there looked miserable, but there were a few that were chatting away and looked fine. And there sits me- big, fat white woman- and the bloody kid in the wife-beater. We were drawing more than a few stares and the kid who had to sit by him when there were no other seats available looked positively scared to death of us.

We were called back to register after an 1 1/2 hour wait. Then we sat in the "Fast Track" waiting area another 1 1/2 hours. I'd hate to see how long the people in the "normal" track had to wait. YIKES!! The whole time we waited, Robert's chin continued to bleed- not bad, but still. I asked where I could put the bloody rag he had filled up & if they had some gauze or something I could get for him, and they looked at me like I was from Mars or stupid or something. They handed me a small puke-pan thing & pointed to the bathroom. I ended up getting some tissue from the bathroom for him (I hope it was sterile enough). Later when I asked the dr. where he could put the "new" bloody rag, they said, "Oh, just whereever, we don't worry about that." I am quoting! I couldn't believe it!!! And, we're not talking about some country, small hospital. We're in G'boro, a city of over 200,000! Go figure!!!!!!!! Anyway, we saw a doctor after we'd been there four hours, and then they finally were able to come stitch him up and we got out of there about midnight. We got home six hours later, very tired and very hungry!!!

We were all kidding him that this was "paybacks" from Matthew for the great "Bike/Teeth Incident of DeWitt." By that time, he was too tired and frustrated to laugh anymore, but he did smile a bit.

What a day! What a night! Welcome to adult-hood, Robert. :)

Another "first"

I did our taxes tonight, and then had another "first." I helped Robert complete his first tax form. Is this really possible?!?!!! Granted, it wasn't much at all, not really worth doing one, but I would have wanted to do it and had my mom's help if I were him, so I offered and we did. :) So, now Robert is officially one of us "working slobs" that the IRS keeps track of. And he'll get his first refund check later this year.

It was a nice day (even though the "icks" came back last night). I went to church. After lunch, I made myself go to Catherines with Barbara to charge me some new clothes. I've just worn out most of my old school dresses to the point that I would look like (let me change that to have been looking like) the "white trash teacher" for sure to wear them to work anymore. Then we picked up the boys and went to the mall for haircuts. Matthew has very short, spiked hair now; he looks much more mature and I really like it! I went ahead and bought/charged some clothes for Robert & Barbara for their birthdays, though it was early. They were also needing clothes (at least pants) and I got them each something they wanted and needed.

I'm really feeling icky, so I'm off to bed. I'm so thankful to the Lord for three good days where I felt "normal" again and great! I hope that comes back again soon. So for now, I'm clinging to the words of this song I love by Matt Redman and that we "just happened" to sing today in church:

"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth..."

I'm here for You, Lord,
Rebekah :)

Our First Senior Pictures

Robert's senior pictures arrived a couple weeks ago, and I'm finally getting them ready to mail to Robert's grandparents and aunt. So for the few that read this and I couldn't afford to send photos to (I'm sorry by the way), here is what I did. I bought the cd of his photos so I could email them and post them here. They are all so good, but these are probably my favorite three.

Love to all! My baby is almost grown up. :)

:)

I feel good today- the first day I've felt good since, well, hmmm, a long time now- at least two months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've had relatively no dizziness today (just a few, tiny spells that weren't much at all). My ears are only doing their quiet/constant ringing with only one short spell of loud ringing. No nausea. No being so exhausted I can hardly hold my head up. And this after I was woke up by a kid last night and was up with him/her for over an hour.

I laughed and joked and chatted with some people at work and with Kristen when she called me tonight. I feel GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't laughed or cut up like that in a while, and I actually felt and looked and sounded hyper, like I had ADHD or something! :)

Thank you God for a day to feel well and for allowing me to get so much done today- two guided reading group lessons (Dawn got my observation done today too) , helping the kinderkids paint and create their clay pot snowmen, lunch duty, end of day duties, newspaper club. I did a lot more today than I thought I'd get done, and I'd never have done it if I'd been doing what I've been lately- holding my head up, just barely getting by. I'm really so very thankful to You for this day. I hope I'll have many more, but whether I do or not, I'm thanking You today.

Your appreciative daughter down here.
Me :)

mourning for others

I've been really struggling with "issues" at work. Some of it is just petty stuff that I need to keep overlooking (some days I do better than others). Mostly, though, my heart just seems to break over the garbage I see in people's lives, mostly the kids I deal with and see at school, the kids my children go to school with, the kids Rob works with, the kids I see in our neighborhood... I can't hardly stand to watch the news anymore because of this same thing. It hurts too much to care about people. I've been told so many things related to this by pastors, church members, principals, fellow teachers, and family. And all these things are true. I shouldn't care so much. I shouldn't take other people's problems "home" with me, I shouldn't take things to heart, I can't let it get me down, I can't solve these problems...... These are all correct, and I know it. The "trouble" is that I can't do it.

I've been thinking about this a lot this year. I know I will sound like I'm just justifying myself, but didn't Jesus weep/cry/express sorrow when he looked out over Jerusalem? When John the Baptist was beheaded, the Bible says, Jesus departed to a deserted place by himself. I doubt he went away because he was happy. I wonder where He went & what He thought & did? When Lazarus died, the Bible says, "when Jesus saw her weeping... He groaned in the spirit and was troubled... Jesus wept." Jesus is God's son, perfect. He is able to see the "big picture;" He knows the way things will turn out, and He can understand better than we can, that things can be meant for good. Yet, here is God, in human form, and he is troubled, sorrowed, and even crying. Why? Because he hurts for the people he cares about and is sorrowful at the sight of others suffering.

So, if Jesus himself cried and was hurt at the pain in the world he encountered, then why do I think I would not? I've decided that it must be okay for me to be this way. I mean, God made me who I am didn't He? And, though many of my life experiences are a result of my own choices, some were not my own and had to be meant by God to help me become the person He wanted me to be. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have been placed in the schools He wanted me in. There must be a reason. And though it kills me sometimes to see the things I see and hear, if God put me there, it must be to care for those people. So, isn't it really okay, if I am troubled and sorrowed by what I see? Wouldn't He be if He were actually there in bodily form? Then, that gets me to thinking about this. Maybe that's why we are all put where we are, to be Him in bodily form, to be Him crying/weeping/mourning for those all around us who don't know Him, who have lives filled with pain, hurt, sorrow, garbage. Maybe someone has to weep for them. Maybe more people should weep and cry and hurt for others. Maybe I'm not in the wrong after all. Maybe??? That leads me to another verse from the Beatitudes: "Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted." I'm no Bible philosopher and have not studied much, but maybe this is what Jesus meant??? Maybe He intends for some to be there to mourn for others who don't know. I've definitely got to think on this some more.

God Knows Where I Am

I have had times when I knew "God knew where I was..." Times when it was very clear that He saw me right at that moment and knew my needs and spoke to me in a way that was tangible, that I could not have any doubt that it was Him; those times were so moving and remain a memory that I look back on in my "days" when I doubt myself, doubt my Christianity and truly know I am loved.

Well, yesterday, three people spoke to my heart and two of them could have no idea what was going through my mind, and even the one could not know the intensity or hurt that is there. I think God sent three people in my path yesterday to say what they did, without even knowing it. Kristen's supervising prof came to meet us cooperating teachers yesterday, and she spoke right to my heart with some things she said. She was just sharing her own personal experiences (some of which are troubling in and of themselves). I'm 'paraphrasing' here to keep this short. She told me that she had heard a lot of wonderful things about me and that I was a special person. She said she could tell from talking with me that I took things to heart (don't have a clue what I did that made her be able to tell that). She said I looked tired and she wanted me to "not give up. You make a difference. You can't reach them all, but you can reach some, and you're here for those you can touch." How could she, a total stranger, have known my heart? Known I was thinking of leaving? Known the struggle that has been going on within me? She couldn't have. Then another teacher at our school was talking with me and had heard a false "rumor" that I was on the transfer list. I cleared that up, but told her I had thought of leaving AJE. She asked me not to leave, said our school needed me. She used a phrase to describe herself, but it is one I have borrowed and used myself for years now- "this is 'my place in this world'." Then my momma, who has some idea of the things in my heart, but not their full intensity, sent my sister and I an email yesterday that I found when I got home. She will never know how much that email meant to me. I will keep that forever!!!!!!! She said that we girls are being missionaries, and she equated mine to working in a foreign country where you can't go in as a "missionary" but have to go as something else and just shine God's love.

God knows where I am, and what I am struggling with. He took time out of His busy day dealing with death, illnesses, starvation, poverty, and a billion other needs far more important than mine to place people in my life that would speak a message they may or may not have known I needed.

Thanks God.

Love...

Rob & I have been talking again about "family issues"- translation the dysfunction in our family backgrounds and the choices we made in how to deal with it and what we could/should/might do about it in the future.... I've also been thinking about work "hurts" and the way some coworkers don't seem to like me... It fits with this too.

I felt "led" to read about love today, hmmm...

I Corinthians 13...

"... Love suffers long & is kind
Love does not envy
love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"
love does not behave rudely
love does not seek its own
love is not provoked & thinks no evil
love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
love bears all things
love believes all things & hopes all things
love endures all things
love never fails..."

Here is a verse that really made me think today: vs. 11- "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

And I've always loved this verse because I'm not good at the "faith" thing (I never have been & when you attend a pentecostal church- which I don't anymore-, well that can be a problem) and sometimes, when things have been their darkest, I found it hard to hope, but God knows I love Him more than anything and He has given me a love for sometimes unlove-able kids and parents and He gave Rob and I a love for each other when our marriage was not too hot, so I love this verse... I guess I feel like I may be bad at everything else, but at least on this one God won't turn me away because He knows I do love.

vs. 13- "And now abide faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love."

So, I'm thinking of my family issues again & work. Given what Christ did for me (the original gift & the TONS of other stuff- repeated forgiveness, repeated patience, repeated teaching & reteaching, not giving up on me or getting so frustrated at me that He throws in the towel, blessings too many to mention.... Am I really living up to the real meaning of "love?" Where I was ten or fifteen years ago, well I was "a child" then- in my early-mid 20's trying to deal with a lot of stressors and not knowing as many of the "facts" of life or the "facts" of situations as I do now. But now, aren't I finally becoming a "man/woman/grown-up" in Christ? I sure hope so! :) So shouldn't I quit looking at things through my own eyes and see what He says?

"... Love suffers long & is kind-
Sometimes love has to suffer because we're none of us perfect, but it is still kind- I can still be kind; I don't have to bring up the past. I don't have to join in if I don't want to, but I don't have to be hurtful to say no either. I don't have to be "ugly" just because others are. I can still be kind. And, when I think about it at work, I have been. I haven't spread gossip or rumors or talked bad about others. I smile and try to be friendly. I don't have to be best friends and sit around and shoot the breeze and not doing so doesn't make me unkind either.

Love does not envy-
I don't have to envy cousins, aunts, uncles, others who have relationships I don't

love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"-
I don't need to defend my momma's family or my momma or even myself; first of all, no one is perfect and no family is perfect and I'm not responsible for things my family may have said or done and we all are in need of forgiveness and mercy; I need to remember that scripture I like- "don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing that your charitable deed may be in secret" Do what I do for Him and don't worry about the rest

love does not behave rudely
I can't be rude, but that doesn't mean I have to try to be everyone's best friend either. I don't have to participate in after school socializing if I need to get work done and get to my kids. I don't have to talk on the phone if I am uncomfortable with it.

love does not seek its own
Don't think of myself, think of others- what do they need? how can I serve them? what would God want me to do for them?

love is not provoked & thinks no evil
I can't be "ugly"- I need to make sure I don't behave in an unforgiving manner, hold grudges, be rude, gossip, listen to gossip, give my hurts and frustrations to God first & foremost

love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
don't laugh at evil and sinful things; don't participate or listen to conversations that involve things God wouldn't approve of, don't be "holier-than-thou" but just don't participate

love bears all things, believes all things & hopes all things
I need family that "bears" with me on my bad days, that believes in me (even if I don't) and hopes the best for me. I need to be that for my family too. I need to be there as a "cheerleader" for my coworkers, students, families. I need to bear with their bad days too and believe & hope for good things for them too

love endures all things
I need to endure through hard days just like I want those around me to endure me when I am less than patient, less than kind, less than what I should be. I need to remember that God didn't promise a life of happiness and prosperity, but He promised to be with us always

love never fails
If I have God's love, & He never fails, then I need to never fail. Though that is the perfect standard, and I'm far from perfect, I need to strive for that goal, and try to limit the # of times I am faith-less to God, first, to my family 2nd, and to others

I need to think like a "man/woman" and act like one too. I know I've been trying. God help me to get it right for You!

Bored

I am having to do this in "spells" because the dizzies have struck again. I'm home sick again, and bored out of my gourd! I know Momma, but you have to admit I haven't used that words in ages. I can't even remember the last time I was truly bored.

I made it through the "planning day" yesterday, and tried not to let it show to anyone that I was sick, though Kristen knew. I can't fool her, and I'm not good at playing the tough role like my Momma can. Kristen can see right through me even on the few times that I've really tried. By the time everyone left yesterday afternoon, I was really not feeling well. I made it to the recliner at 7:00 and fell asleep, moving to bed about 8:00 and sleeping until 6:30 this morning when I got up for work, tried to get ready for work, & ultimately called off. I slept all morning, and have only sat up straight for about 30 minutes today before getting sick enough that I had to go lay back down here in the recliner.

Yesterday our grade level got to "skip" school (subs provided) and have a planning day. I offered our house as a meeting site if people wanted thinking it would be more comfy than a public place like the library or a restaurant. I fixed some food and drinks... We got a lot done that needed to be done, not as much as I had hoped, but enough for now. I was so nervous because there seems to be this tension between some on our grade level, and I wanted it to be a nice, fun, relaxing day for everyone. I don't know how that went; I felt like there was some tense-ness between some, but I don't know. I am often sensitive and am always a bit on the paranoid side. I know the things that have been said to me this year by my coworkers and the issues that some of them have with me, and I feel like there's a lot that's probably not said that they would like to say but won't. I think (am pretty sure) that some of them don't care for me much. I hate it, and I have tried to think of ways to fix it and have even tried some to change who I am a bit (if I could), but I can't. I am who I am, fat, big-mouth, sensitive, paranoid, put-myself-down, can't-say-no, avoid-confrontation, and everything else. I'm tired of trying to please people (did you hear that Pop & Momma???)!!! I'm just going to be me. Forget it! I'm also thinking I should start looking for another job down the road at another school. The question I'm asking God is where do You want me to be? And if I'm moving, when & where?