Gardening Fun

It was supposed to rain, but so far it hasn't. Even though it was a little cool, Robert & Barbara & I went outside to do some gardening today. We did a lot, and I know it will be so pretty once everything gets established.

Barbara made the flower boxes with dahlias, vinca vine, and alyssum.

pink moss phlox by the mailbox- it will eventually spread out and be a mass of pink blooms

this is the corner of the backyard by the driveway... going to plant these blue salvia & artemesia here

our tomato patch - nine plants- romas, roma grape, big boy, bonnies- ooooh, i can almost taste them now!!! hoping to make lots of fresh homemade pico de gallo, salsa, even some fresh spaghetti sauce this summer on top of just eating my weight in tomatoes- and that's a LOT folks! :)

our herb garden right off the kitchen door- cilantro, chives, Italian parsley, Greek oregano, rosemary, dill, thyme, sweet basil, and lavender

flower bed #1- the "Tree Stump Bed"- before

and after - this one has my Pop's hen & chicks he sent me, 2 columbine, 4 violas, 5 coreopsis, and a few petunias and purple alyssum

the right side of the deck - before

and after- this is filled with a few blue salvia & lots of lambs' ear- one of my favorites!

Barbara also filled all my flower pots on the deck with petunias, alyssum, a geranium, and potted Rob's two cayenne peppers. That's it for today. Hope to finish the other patch, plant Rob's jalapenos, and get my sunflower patch in this week. That will be it for this year. Maybe in the fall, we'll plant some spring-blooming bulbs and put in some more perennials. I have some ideas for next spring to think about over the next few months, but I am going to enjoy this wonderful start to my first spring in my new home. :)

God loved us all (in the whole wide world, every color, every nation, every language, every culture, every walk of life) so very deeply, He sent us His own son, Jesus, to die for our sins and give us eternal life.... John 3:16- Rebekah's paraphrase...

I'm missing my momma & pop a whole lot this day. Kept busy with church, a nap, flower shopping, & I tried not to think about it most of the day, but as evening has worn on, well, I just missed them- that's all.

I know that Easter isn't about family, really, but about something so much more important. It's about that verse up there, and I'm so very thankful that HE loved me that much, even when HE knew me, knew how I'd be, knew the mistakes and screw-ups I'd make, knew my many faults, and yet HE still made the choice to come and die for me.

Thank You Father for this day and what it is really about. Thank You for the gift you gave to us of life and the horrible price You paid for that gift. I love You God. Help me to always love You.

A Small Child's "Mite"

I had a little boy in my class last year. I've journaled about him before. He has taken a piece of my heart, and I am still learning just how deeply he has affected me and perhaps changed my life in ways I may never be able to put into words.

He loves to give gifts- it truly is his love language. Last year, my wall and cabinets were full of small tokens of affection, creations he had made, and many of them were very creative. He has brought me presents this year for myself as well as my boys, a poster and a magazine he took from his room for them- specifically choosing each one for one particular son. Recently he told me he was still looking for a gift for my daughter & that he felt bad about it. Last week he told me he was trying to find a present for me... I tried, as I always do, to put that off, tell him it was not necessary, blah, blah, blah... So one day I told him I'd try to find him a gift too. I bought something for him and his sister of no value at all- literally $1 spent on each... It was just a little laminated note card that told them both they were special, and I talked with them about how much I cared for them, how much they meant to me, and how truly special they were and asked them to never forget it. That's it- $1 spent on each of them out of my abundance. Nothing to brag or write home about. So very little in fact that it's almost embarrassing to even mention it.

Today, in walks my friend with a present for me- a toy of his, this little toy gorilla. I know he has so little at home, truly nothing in more ways than I could ever say here out of respect for his life. How could I take this gift from him???? I was so awe-struck, so humbled, so many emotions at once. I, once again, tried to gently refuse the gift telling him I hated to take his toy, was he sure, what would his mom say... He insisted just as earnestly and sweetly. I knew if I didn't take it, he'd be offended, and I'd undo all the progress he & I have made and his trust in me. I can NEVER risk that, so I took the gift with more tears in my eyes than I can say. Once he left my room, I started crying- really crying- my kids were staring at me like I'd lost my mind- only they know I'm a cryer. I had to call Rob to ask him if I did the right thing. I still don't know, but I know I couldn't hurt him.

Now, hours later, I am still floored by this. This was truly this child's mite- one of his small, few possessions and he gave it to me out of his love for me. I cannot begin to say how this makes me feel, words can never express it.

I am thinking of all the things he has said to me over the past few weeks. He recently told me he wished he could come live with me & I would so take him in a heartbeat if he ever needed a home. He said he could NEVER be mad at me (though he forgot about our first few weeks together when he was such an angry little boy and hurting so much he couldn't show the sweet, loving side of him)... He told me if anyone ever bothered me or hurt me, he'd call the "po-lice" on them...

I think of what little I can do, and I so wish I could do more for him, more than my own small mite of nothing but love, hugs, daily bus checks, and an occasional kiss on the head.

God, I know You honored the woman who gave of her little all that she had. I know that You took a few little fish and loaves of bread and made so much, much more out of it- enough to feed thousands. Well, God, what do I have to offer? Nothing, so little, only a lot of hugs, smiles, encouraging words, respect, love, and my goofy, silly self. It's so little against the hurts of what so many of my kids face at home and in their lives... I DON'T understand at all how my little can do any long-term, eternal good, but I know You can turn nothing into something. Please somehow God, use my nothing to do something even I can't imagine in my friend's life and his sister's too, Father.

And help me to take this mite of love which is actually not a mite at all, but a huge treasure to me and love them all with everything that is in me. I do love my kids God.

I am ever Your servant,

Rebekah :)

Missing Missouri

The dogwoods are in full bloom and looking prettier each day here in north central N.C. I LOVE dogwoods!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to plant some of my very own here in the new yard, trees that will actually be MINE! :) I have plans for that front yard of mine when it comes to dogwoods... :) :) :) (Not that my kids or hubby read this blog, but should they, consider that a HUGEMONGOUS hint, hint, hint) :) :) :)

When the dogwoods bloom it always makes me miss Missouri. I know that sounds silly, missing a state. Have you ever been to Missouri this time of year? The dogwood is the state tree of Missouri, and its not like here in NC (which also has the dogwood as its state tree). The wild woods of Missouri are chock-FULL of dogwoods. It was always so beautiful to drive through the country to our home and see the woods just full of wild dogwood trees- their white blossoms just filling the still bare woods. Someday, I don't know how or when, I hope to be back in Missouri at dogwood-blooming time so I can get some photos, walk in the woods, and just enjoy their beauty.

I think when I miss Missouri, it's more that I miss my family. I miss the daddy I only knew for a few short years who we left behind buried in a cemetery plot in a small southern Missouri town. I miss what might have been had he lived- yet I have no clue how my life might have been, let alone if it would have even been better.... I miss my momma- the strong person in my life, the one I always could & can count on, the only family member I always knew loved me for sure, no matter what when I was growing up. I miss my pop who came into my life after Missouri and has come to love me like his own. I miss the country and the freedom to run in the field, walk through the woods, go play in a creek & find crawdads and try to catch minnows...

I do love the dogwoods, even though their time to bloom is a bit of a melancholy time some years. In their delicate beauty, they remind me that life is not always easy, the path is not always smooth, but life is always beautiful. I am a better person for the hard times, and I hope there is some beauty in my life, some glimmer of God that shows through the wild woods of my heart, my attitude, my words, and my deeds.

Wherever you are, I hope there are dogwoods and beauty surrounding you!

Politics Make Me Sad

I DON'T discuss politics with anyone except Rob in the privacy of my home or even, more often, bedroom. I don't for two reasons: one, they just make me sad- the negativity, the attacks on people, the back-handedness of it all.... it just disgusts me. The other, I'm truly not very "smart" in this area, and I quickly (like in two or three sentences) get out of what I do know, I don't have a lot of very strong opinions and can't debate well, and just don't know the answers to anything, so I just listen to what others say and sometimes say, "Hmmm..."

Today, though, Robert & I are watching the Sunday morning news while I play on the computer I saw & heard something I think is absolutely ridiculous! The media was discussing the president & mrs.' trip to Europe... They began to discuss Mrs. O's popularity with the people she met and talked to, who she hugged, and what presents she gave and was given & then on to her fashion- clothes, makeup, hair. The summary statement before they moved on to the next topic was that they felt the trip could be deemed a success. This is crazy!!!! The trip was a success because of what???? All they talked about was Mrs. Obama, nothing about what the president had done or talked about or agreements made while they were in Europe... It was all- Mrs. Obama wore the latest styles, changed her clothes often, had beautiful makeup, loves & utilizes the new spring colors.... Wonderful. I agree she is a lovely woman, very beautiful and graceful, and I'm sure quite charming and poised in person... But is this really how we decide if the President of the United States had a successful overseas meeting???

What have we come to in this country???? I'm not sure I like it at all... Are Americans really this shallow? Or does the media just think we are? Why doesn't the media talk about the important things and treat the American public as if we were intelligent people???

I don't know, but once again, politics, media, our society just makes me sad.

Fun Friday with My Marvelous Matthew

Today was a really nice day- one I will remember for a long, long time. Matthew came and spent one of his spring break days with my class and me! :) He will never know how much it mean to the kids but really to me!!!

And he truly was terrific with the kids. He worked well with the kids- did a small group math game with my kinders while I taught the 1st grade math lesson and kept them all engaged and active. They had a blast playing Number Bam with him! Then he worked with the 1st graders helping them finish their math work, measuring objects in the classroom. He played with them on the playground eagerly, and they were having so much fun chasing him around. :)

This afternoon he worked with kids one-on-one on some work they needed to do, helping one make patterns, helping another write, then working in the building center with legos, blocks, and cars with the kids. He also helped the kids make coffee filter butterflies this morning. We all ate together at lunch, and Matthew read to some of the kids at quiet reading time as well.

Truly, he just gave me some wonderful "Mom" moments today that I will cherish forever!!! On top of the fun time spent in each other's company, he was good to my "kids" & enjoyed working with them as much as I do- anyone who knows me, knows that if you are good to my kids- my own or my school kids- well I will love you for life! So it meant even more to me that he was so good with my school kids. I am so thankful for being all I always wanted to be- a wife, a mom, a teacher. And today I got to enjoy being two of those at the same time. What a day!

Thank You God, for a wonderful day with my son and my "kids." Thank You for the opportunity to know all these young people You've placed in my life, allowed me to work with, know, watch grow up... Thank You for my son, Matthew. Thank You for the gift of him and what he gave back to me today and to my kids at school. Bless him for his gift and show him the path You want him to follow in this life.

Night Father! Night world.

Rebekah :)

Two Paths Diverged...

"But the gate to life is very narrow. The road that leads there is so hard to follow that only a few people find it." Matthew 7:14 (Contemporary English Version)

This has been on my mind for a while, and I keep trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words, but find it so difficult to do. I still don't know if I can begin to express myself the way I want to, but I've got to get this out of me and somewhere to think about it. I'm hesitant to do this also because I don't really even know who reads this, and am pretty sure that anyone except my closest family members will not really understand where this is coming from. Please know that this is very, deeply personal to me. I AM NOT, IN ANY WAY claiming or acting or thinking or trying to seem like I am anything. Quite the contrary, I know I am nothing without God. I know, better than anyone in my family, church, or for sure a soul that works with me, that I am just a sinner trying to rely on Jesus' grace & mercy!!! These are simply some thoughts I'm trying to understand and work through.

Okay? Okay...

I am at a crossroads in my life, once again. It really has me thinking about crossroads, forks in the road, and other divergences on the path of life. It has me thinking about my past, choices I've made, examples I've set, the way I've lived. It has me thinking about the future, what choices I will make and where they will take me in life. I would never EVER have seen myself in N.C. or anywhere far from my momma, once upon a time. Where will my life go from here? Where will I venture? Or end up when it's all said & done?

I hear so much negative talk, and I am struggling to not let it pull me down. I feel like I am looking at this divergence in the road above. So many around me are walking along, complaining about their students, complaining about the parents and families.... I feel more and more left out and different, and I'm sure I look like a snob to some who work with me because I am withdrawing more and more and participating in conversations less & less... I HATE that a lot! A WHOLE LOT!!! I want to have friends, to feel like I belong and fit in, to get along with others, to be part of "the team."

But I cannot walk that path with them. It may be the path they've chosen, but if I go down that path, I'll hate me and not be true to who I am, who I was meant to be, who God wants me to be. For whatever reason, He made me who I am, gave me the talents and personality that I have (what that says about God I'll not even attempt to figure out ;)- wink, wink), and sent me lessons in life that have made the person I am, the mom I am, the teacher I am... I must continue on the path He has placed me on here in N.C. and trust that He has a better plan for my life. I must trust that my feelings are not what really matter and that the only approval I need to be concerned about is His...

I must choose the road less travelled. I am sure, in the end, it will make all the difference.

40 years

Forty years ago today my momma and daddy were married. I've been missing my daddy more (as I usually do at this time of year when the dogwoods start blooming and remind me of another life I lived long ago), and missing my momma- well that I do always. :)

I thought a lot about our lives as I cleaned and shampooed carpets this weekend... how they'd turned out so far... where our lives had taken us all... how things had happened... I wonder who we would be now if daddy hadn't died. I wonder if I'd be a better/worse/just different person. I hope I'm better for what I've gone through and learned. I hope I am a person that makes (most importantly of all) my heavenly Father proud of me, but I hope somehow, someway my daddy can see me and is also proud of me. I know my momma is, and that knowledge helps me sometimes when I'm low.

I am even more in awe of my mom now that I am getting a little older and wiser. I understand her so much better now that I have almost grown kids of my own. I thought about her a lot this weekend, how she had to bury her husband one day before her anniversary and a few days before her birthday. What a great way to celebrate! And do all she had to do with two young girls watching her very closely. I wonder, Momma, do you know how much I watched you? Do you know how amazing you are to me? Do you know how proud I am of you? How much I love you and respect you?

Somehow I know Daddy would be proud of you Momma, and how you went on each day, week, month... How you raised us to be who we are today. How you went on to love again and live a happy, fulfilled life. How you fought and survived the big "C." How you have lived for Christ in all that you've faced.

I'm thankful to God that He chose to send my momma someone else to live life with, to love & be loved by so that she would not be lonely the rest of her days. I'm thankful for that person, I've come to call "Pop" who has loved my momma for almost 25 years and who has loved us too. I know my daddy would be proud of you too, Pop. But most of all, he'd be thankful for you and all you've done and been to Momma & to us.

So, if it's not too weird, I'll wish my daddy up in heaven and my Momma down here a happy anniversary. Daddy, you are remembered still. Momma, I love you more than I can ever say. Thank you for bringing J & me into this world with daddy, loving us every day, teaching us to love Him, and how to live and for always being there for us.

Of Rain, Cleaning, Gardening, and Cell Phones

Saturday, busy Saturday.

Today, so far,

• we've taken the girls to school for Saturday school & picked them up (of course, you didn't think I'd actually leave them there did you? ;P)
• been to Wally-world for last minute items we need for today
• dug up and moved two carloads of trees & plants (things at the old house that we had bought & planted or my parents had brought us from the midwest )
• transplanted 9 hostas, 1 fern, the herb garden Matthew & I started at the old house, two echinacea, my two "Mothers' Day trees" that the kids & Rob got me (my peach tree & dwarf Japanese maple tree), the Mexican heather, a mum, three clumps of lambs ear (Barbara says I have a love affair with this plant), Pop's hen & chicks that he brought me from his yard, and five clusters of daffodils. Matthew & I worked in the rain & were sopping wet messes when we finished putting them in the ground, but it's done now & just in time for the good, heavier rain that is now moving in
• cleaned the oven & stove & frig at the old house & taken the frig out for our neighbor to use
• shampooed two rooms' carpets
• loaded & moved two more car loads of stuff
• trashed one cell phone! Somehow in all this craziness, I forgot to take my cell phone out of my dress pocket. When Matthew loaded our filthy clothes in the washing machine after our yard work, I totally forgot the phone was in my pocket. So now I'm without a cell phone. That's the first time I've done something quite that stupid with my phone! YIKES!!!! Good going Rebekah!

Now, Rob is working with James (a neighbor at our old house who "just happens" to be a contractor and offered to come help Rob & teach Rob how to fix this mess of ceilings we have after the "great flood of 2009." ;) ;)

In a few, Matthew & I are taking Robert to work and heading back to finish cleaning the kitchen & bathroom floors & shampooing the hall & front room and load the last carload of stuff to bring over. Then we will be done, except to turn in the keys and say a last goodbye to our home for over 3 1/2 years.

I'm sick, hurting, and more tired than I can say. But we are truly just about to be done. I'll have one closet crammed with stuff to unpack- much of that is pictures and wall things to put up. Then I have to figure out how to set up the computer area, and we'll be done.

I'm SOOOOOO very ready for moving to be done and life to sort of get back to just the "normal" craziness. This is very tiring!

So, with about five minutes more to go before I have to leave again, I'm signing off. Enjoy your weekend, wherever you are!

Rebekah :)

Hodge Podge

This is going to be a hodge podge of nothing important. My brain is mush- well, okay more than normal mush. ;)

• God helped us out in a HUGE way!!! James (a neighbor at the other house) came over to look at the damage at the new house last night, then came back tonight to help Rob work on it, and is coming back tomorrow to do more. Hopefully in a few days, we'll have our ceilings back to normal and hopefully not to far down the road we'll have our floor back in like new shape. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• I am sick!!!! I have not much voice- it keeps coming and going, and it hurts big time to talk, to swallow, to eat... I am getting sicker I am afraid, but praying this goes away quickly. I don't have time for this right now. My back is better but still hurting, but I'm thankful for better anyway!
• I am emotional today- well more than normal. I miss my daddy. Then I missed my momma & pop and thought a lot today about my life....
• I am hurting for some kids in my life, wishing I could do more for them to make their lives be what they ought to be, what every kid should have, but so many don't.
• I am aggravated at "teachers" as a whole. Between two teachers in this house and listening to things said to my girls and in my girls classes by other teachers, well I just get so tired and it brings me down, it truly does. Every child, no matter what they act like, look like, where they come from, who their parents are or what their parents do, EVERY child deserves some basic respect and kindness. Every human being on the planet needs that, no matter how young or how old, how rich or how poor, no matter their circumstances in life. Okay, enough on that. That will have to be another post, another day.
• I am blessed, so very blessed, and I know I don't deserve it. I am so utterly thankful for what I have been given in life (not just the material things, but really the "other stuff" which is more important anyway).

So with these random things I'm off to check on some kids I know, try to clear up a little of the mess that is my house, now a construction zone once again, and head to bed sooner than later I hope. We have to find a way to finish up at the other house and get it cleaned and ready soon; we're almost out of days.

Night God. Night world.

Rebekah :)

P.S. Daddy, I miss you. Happy "Going to Heaven Day."

Urgent Prayer Request

I'm sick and don't feel like much tonight. I've decided that I'm just not a grown-up person; I am great with kids, but not so much with all the rest. Oh well.

Anywhoo, on to something very urgent & important. Please say a prayer for this little baby, Stellan. He is VERY, VERY sick with heart problems. You can read more about his life so far. God has already moved in his life and healed him once, but he is once again in a life-threatening condition and needs a miracle. Please pray for him and his family and if you can, go read his momma's blog.

Night!

Rebekah :)

Parent-Teacher Conflicts

I'm going to work in a minute- I'm late, but I just have to jot this little tidbit down. I'm once again a lousy parent (at least in the eyes of a couple teachers) & I'm SOOOOO sick of this. It's been a while since I had a run-in with one of Barbara's teachers, and this time it is a couple teachers anyway and they teach both the girls. I must say that I will be glad for graduation and not having to deal with her teachers anymore. She's had a few that hated her & hated me, or at least let it be known there was a strong dislike and disdain. I've been told by a few teachers that I am "the worst parent they've known" or other such things.

I'm sick of teachers who make judgements about parents based on the part they see and who don't even take the time to get to know their children's parents let alone take time to "walk a mile in their shoes." I see this at work too, and it just brings me down. It never solves problems to just blame the home and parents- even when sometimes the issues we have or things we see may be true. There are reasons parents do what they do, and who are we to judge? I guess I just think what parent says, "Today, I want to stink at being a mom/dad? I want to royally mess up my kids' futures and their education and opportunities and life, so I'm going to make these choices to screw them up?" I don't think so. I think that like all of us, parents do what they know to do with what they have in the circumstances they find themselves in life. They often weren't dealt a good hand as a child either and may or may not have had any good role models to know any differently. They may have their own issues that prevent them from doing better even though they love their kids. They may be held back by former decisions and choices and don't know how to get out of their situation.

I'm not making excuses for myself or any of the other "bad parents." I am just saying to all the perfect, wonderful teachers out there, cut the rest of us parents some slack. The world only has a few slots for you perfect people. Someone has to suck. Leave us alone and let us do it.

House Photo Album

I'm too tired for words, but I wanted to post a link so anyone who wants to can see the photos of the house. These are all the photos on my Facebook album that I've been taking all along of the house as we signed the contract, closed, got ready for work, and the move so far. I'll be posting more as we finish up in the next couple weeks...

For tonight, goodnight,

A very tired & hurting, but happy Rebekah :)

Finally Moving Day

Just a quick note to say that today is the BIG day we've been waiting for. Tonight we'll be sleeping in a new home. :) I'll miss this house but can't wait to make the new one "ours."

If someone reads this today, please pray for S. She has a scholarship interview this morning early.

I'm off to take S to her interview and start moving after that.

Love to all!

Let the Moving Begin! :)

My goofy and adorable son, Matthew! :)

The workmen were leaving as we came in this evening after I got off work and picked up all the kids from their various places and deposited S and Robert at their destinations. Barbara, Matthew, and I made three trips with pantry & kitchen stuff. The kids helped me do some cleaning and unpacking of everything we took over tonight. :)

There is so much that needs to be done before we move in on Saturday, and I wish I had been able to get it packed up and ready to go better than I have. The boys will be such a huge blessing and help again this time, even more so since Matthew has grown up so much in the time we've been here in N.C.!!! I'm thinking Rob will just have to help them some and give them directions, and they should be able to do most of the heavy work. We still have to rent a dolly somewhere for the boys & Rob to use... Oh, another thing to remember tomorrow.

I can't but so need to take off tomorrow so that I can pack up the computer, the videos, the last bookshelf, my cedar chest & dresser.... As it is, I'll be throwing stuff in a box to let the boys and Rob move it, take it to the house & throw the stuff back into it. :) Not the best way, but it's the best I can do now. Saturday will be crazy busy with S having a scholarship interview bright & early Saturday morning, Rob having to get the moving truck early, Barbara having to be at the new house for the Lowe's people to set up the frig... It's going to be a wonderfully busy, hectic and rewarding day.

Here are the photos from the house. Hope you enjoy!

Living room before & after

Kitchen floor before & after

Almost Done, Almost There

Rob & I stopped by the house this evening to take a peek and see if we could catch the guys working on it. We thought it looked almost done last night. It is! And all I can say is - OH. MY. GOODNESS. WOW!!!!! The contractor even took the time to clean and polish up the kitchen cabinets and they just shine!!! So pretty!!!!!!! Tomorrow they will install the vapor barrier under the house, and the contractor is even going to make us new porch steps to the back door as they are pretty deteriorated, another thing not on our list for him to repair but which he is just going to do for us! We could not be more blessed & thankful or pleased with his work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's silly, but I feel a little guilty for such a blessing when others have it so hard. I know it is part of life, part of God's plan for us...., and there certainly were hard, very lean times in our life- not that long ago, but still I do. So I'm hoping we can use our blessing to bless others; we're trying to do that right now, and I hope He will provide us many opportunities to do so down the road.

I plan on going over tomorrow and taking the "after" photos and posting soon, not sure when, but soon. Well, I'm off to do something- not sure where to even start and so tired, but better try to do something.

My love to all!!!!!!!

Dr. Seuss fun & a BIG, HUGE, mess!!!

Due to the "great snowstorm of March 2009" :) we didn't get to do our Dr. Seuss Day activities last Monday, so our class postponed them to this Monday. We read, and then made and ate Green Eggs & Ham. Most of the kids liked them! :) Yum! Yum!

The kids LOVED picking on me by taking my hat today. :P What fun we have together!!! We had some fun getting silly poses in too today, and I took a photo of me in my special hat. Though I do really hate photos of me, this one wasn't too bad for me.

This next photo shows just how crazy and terribly, terribly MESSY our house is right now!!! Our lives feel a bit turned upside down with all this moving mess. :) I'm so looking forward to the work being done in the house, the moving being finished and the unpacking getting done too. Hoping much of that will be able to be done this weekend. If all goes as we hope & pray, I will try to get our kitchen & bathroom set up at the new house this Friday night. I have to go to a scholarship interview with S on Saturday morning, but we'll be moving sometime Saturday for sure!

Rob took our bedframe apart tonight. Here it is sitting on the carport. It's dark and almost bedtime by the time he got done, so we just gave up on moving it until another night. We took a couple quick carloads of stuff over and are calling it a night. I'll bet the neighbors will love this sitting out there, let alone our landlord if she drives by. Oh well, it's almost over. It's almost over. It's almost over. Just hope I get some sleep soon. :)

Okay, on that note, I'm off to try to get some sleep. Night world! Night family! Night God!

Saturday

Just a quick check-in to say that we are busy packing and getting ready for the big move next Saturday! :)

Stopped by the house today to check in with the contractor and make sure he thought he'd still be on schedule before we rented a truck. He actually was about to call us with a question so our timing was perfect! Thanks God! The roof has been repaired. The kitchen floor is coming along, and they picked up our flooring for the living room & downstairs bedroom today and got that ready to go. He also told Rob & I that after he went out on the deck he has decided that he is going to replace the rotting and deteriorating seats & rails on the deck!!!! How awesome is that?!?! We really like this contractor so far; he's been perfect to us and I hope will continue to be so. I'd like to call him back in a couple years to do some work in the upstairs as the kids move out. :)

From the house, we went on to reserve our moving truck, stopped by Lowe's to update the quote for our new frig for the bank (since they took so long and our quote expired!), ran by a small local furniture store to get the quote on replacing the kids' mattresses since they are getting worn out, and the boys are too big for their bunk bed now. Rob & I grabbed a sandwich and took a short drive in the country as it was just so pretty out today. It felt so nice to have the windows down and enjoy some warm, sunny weather!!! I've been busy packing the kitchen most of the afternoon. With M & B's help, we got a lot done! My menu and grocery list for this last week here are made, and I've run out of boxes to pack in.

It's after 10 already, and tonight we lose an hour, so soon we three girls will run by the house to take a quick peak before taking S home to her bed. Soon she'll be living with us permanently which will hopefully be great for all involved. :) I always wanted another daughter, and God has blessed me with a chance to love another young lady almost as much as I love my own. Someday I want to blog about this more, but now is not the time.

The weather was just plain GORGEOUS today! Perfect spring weather, just hope it's here to stay this time. :) Weird weather we've had this week- rain last Saturday turning to ice & snow on Sunday afternoon/evening with 5 inches total of snow/ice! Then a few days later we're in the 60's & 70's- not that I'm complaining. Just a funny weather week! Got to love that old lion known as "March!"

Well, I'm off to take a peak at my house before I put my head and body down to rest.

Night God! Night world!
Rebekah :)

a profound thought that says how i feel about God

You need to read this; it so speaks how I feel much of the time about God. She hit it right on the head. It's not that I doubt God's power or His ability. I know He can move mountains, create stars, or do any number of miracles. It's just that in the scheme of all the "big" things God can do, I doubt my importance to Him in all that He has to do. How can God have time to deal with my little insignificant, sometimes selfish interests and prayer needs? And this is where I have struggled for so many, many years. She just says it right out. I love how she is so real and open. I wish more Christians were like that.

Anywhooo, Angie wrote something way more beautiful and profound than I could ever think of doing. You will be blessed. Go, read, and have a great day!

Love,
Rebekah :0

In Like a Lion

March came in like a lion for sure here in Greensboro! We actually had SNOW, lovely SNOW!!!!
This is the first and last "real snow" we'll see in this house as we're moving in a couple weeks. That made it even more special. I know my family will think I've finally lost it taking and posting so many pictures of snow when they're sick of it and ready for spring! Oh well, what can I say? After four years of no snow, it was a beautiful reminder of home! And today, the world just looks wonderful, even here in the city! Guess it's true- "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." And to me, snow is beautiful!!!!!

Looking up under my magnolia tree.

My poor dogwood tree; it had started budding out and then comes the snow.

As we always used to do since the kids were tiny and we lived in the Midwest, we took a late night walk out in the snow last night- Rob, the boys & I. Barbara didn't want to go out in the cold. :) It was so neat!!!

the magnolia tree by our driveway

Samson's first time to be in any snow of measurable amount. He was trying to decide what to think about the snow, when I caught him by surprise with my flash. I didn't no dogs could squint! :) He DOES NOT like the red light on my camera though, I know that!

our backyard- about 11PM

the front yard at 10 PM or so

The "Aftermath"

our back yard this morning

one of the trees in the front yard actually lost a few limbs

one of our wires hanging way down low this morning

the dogwood tree

Wishes for My Children

Yesterday, the president of HPU, in his talk to the parents, made many comments I liked as well as many that made me say, "Hmmm..." I've been thinking about things he said, and I'm going to have to think some more on a few points.

President Qubein made an object lesson out of a bag of Hershey's Kisses and a box of Godiva chocolates.

He discussed how each is made and their costs. Talked about how we wives would feel if our hubby brought us a mug of kisses wrapped up in a dollar bag (called that cheap) and joked about how our hubby would be in trouble... :) Compared to how we would feel if he brought us a box of Godivas. Visualized how the box of chocolates are hand-made by a chocolatier in white coat and gloves... The cost? The bag of Hershey's kisses, what about maybe $4 or $5 & the box of chocolates (I checked this morning) over $40. He was making the point that we want the best for our children. A public education is a Hershey's bag of chocolate, and HPU is the Godiva chocolates. The speech was a good speech, and I'm oversimplifying it a great deal. But that was the basic point.

Now let me say, President Qubein is certainly an excellent speaker, and his life is very inspirational to say the least. I am sure that HPU is an excellent school; and I definitely enjoyed listening to him speak.

I should also say that my viewpoint is definitely slanted; see I'm a Hershey's Kisses kind of gal. I went to public schools my whole life, attended a public state college, worked in public schools 11 of the 15 years I've been teaching... I'm not putting myself down here, but I am saying my viewpoint is not against the "Kisses" kind of chocolate. I've never even had a fancy chocolate like a Godiva. I'm sure they're wonderfully delicious, but I don't feel deprived because I have never tasted something so wonderful. On the contrary, my life is richer for having known and worked with a whole lot of "normal" people from the "kisses" side of life. I don't think having something so wonderfully rich and decadent could make up for the lessons I've learned along the way or the people who have touched my life and hopefully whose lives I have touched.

President Qubein talked about how we are all alike; we all want the best for our children. We all want our children to have it better than we did. I had to stop and think for a minute there. What is it I wish for my children? A better life than I had? What from my life would I like them to improve on? Do I really wish that? I think this good desire comes from generations of families who had to toil and work hard for what they had, which often wasn't much.

I am all for having a good life; Rob & I have gone hungry, have had to live with family because we had nowhere to go, have faced financial disasters, have seen repossesion and collection agencies, and known the shame of taking help in many forms. God has been taking care of us though through all that!!!!!! Rob & I just bought our first home, we drive two nice cars which we just purchased in the last year or two... I don't want to go back to those hard days, EVER! But really are these the things I wish for my children? Should they be? Am I just crazy for sitting there in that auditorium and saying, "I don't wish that for my daughter or my sons."?

So what is it I do wish for my children? Certainly I wish and hope and pray that they won't make the financial mistakes Rob & I made. I hope they will have it easier financially than we did and that their choices and decisions will be wise and God-chosen when it comes to the big things in life- who they will date & marry, the jobs they will choose, where they will live, and how they will raise their children. I have always hoped they would never know death in the way my sister & I did- up close, personal, and ugly. I have always hoped and tried to protect them from family hurts that we have known.

Outside of those things, though, I have had a wonderful, rich life- a life I am very content in. Really, taking stock of what I have- I have a family that loves me. I have a momma who has supported me in everything and loved me no matter what stupid things I did or said. I had a daddy who loved me. I have a pop who loved me so much he chose to make me his daughter even when he didn't have to; he has loved me every day since and loved my hubby as his own son and my children as his own grandchildren. He has been the father he didn't have to be. I have a husband who has stood by me for over 20 years now. He has been my best friend, my love, my confidant. He helped me through college; he was there for 3 births, and only God knows how many difficult and joyous moments along the way. He has never left me even when times got tough. I have three children, three wonderful almost grown young people who love me and do show it in so many ways. I have the love of so many students, and the privilege of working with families and have done so in three states for 15 years this week.

Above all these things, I have a heavenly Father who has loved me since before time began. I have his unending mercy & forgiveness. I have His steadfast support and help in times of need, and His warm smile shines down on me from time to time to remind me that I'm right where I ought to be doing just what I ought to be.

I don't wish for my children to have a life filled with everything rich and wonderful and terrific. What do I wish for? Well first off, I don't wish- I pray.

• I pray for my children that they will serve God every single day they draw a breath, that they will marry Godly people, and will raise their children to love God and serve Him only.
• I pray that they will make wiser choices than their parents did.
• I pray that they will learn the important lessons in life that will make them better people, better husbands & wife, and better parents.
• I pray that God will be with them always and keep them in His hand and on His path.
• I pray that no matter what hard times come their way (because I believe even the wealthy have hard times, maybe not $ issues, but other just as serious issues), they will always seek Him. And when these times come, that they will pass as quickly as possible, but that my children will learn from them and become better, stronger people.
• I pray that my children will minister to others in need and won't forget "the least of these," (the lowly hershey's kisses kind of people).

I don't pray that my kids have it better than me. I pray that they become a better person than I am through whatever means God chooses to make it happen, and that they will NEVER, not even one day, stop serving Him.

Whirlwind Weekend

Oh. My. Goodness. What a weekend, and it's not finished yet! :) I'm so very tired, but it's all wonderful so how can I complain?

I'm really, very tired and need to go to bed. This has been the busiest weekend I think we've ever had. The list of duties/engagements/obligations staggers my mind, but we've just about met all of them and hopefully can have a quiet Sunday with only some church, school work, cleaning, packing, and moving, plus one kid working. :) Yeah, a much easier "light" day for us at last! ;) He He, sometimes I crack myself up! :)

I'm having some serious low back & hip pain (thinking arthritis???) & fighting some bug or something and not winning too, but before I crash, I had to post photos for anyone who might be wanting to see. Please remember these are "before" photos. There's a little work to be done on the inside of the house (new flooring, plumbing repairs, roofing, etc.) so in a couple weeks I'll post the finished photos and then photos from after the move too. I CAN'T WAIT to move in!!!

The kitchen looking towards the where the table will go.

The whole kitchen

I promised my pop- no pictures of toilets- hope this doesn't count. ;) Here is the downstairs bathroom.

The living room- the floor in the downstairs is all being replaced (except the laundry room)

Matthew & Barbara helped me vacuum and shampoo the upstairs carpets tonight. (Poor Robert will be disappointed that we didn't wait for him; he had to work tonight.) These floors only had a few stains so we thought we'd try to do this and maybe down the road we can find the funds to replace these floors with something better.

The boys' room. The two upstairs bedrooms are identical except that this one has two closets & the other one is pink and has one closet & one small door into the crawlspace up there.

The view out my kitchen window into the backyard- that is Sedgefield Elementary behind us.

If you want to see more photos, you can go here to see them on my facebook page.

Finally Home Buyers :)

It's late; I'm totally sick with some serious stomach pain- what's up with that??? I'm pooped; it's been a WONDERFUL, but long & hectic day.

Just popping in to say that we finally got a closing, and we are now the proud "buyers," as Rob says of our 1st home!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barbara has the big Presidential Scholars weekend at HPU this weekend, and that started tonight and goes all day tomorrow. So it's been a crazy day and will be even more so tomorrow. I'll write more tomorrow or Sunday and have pictures to share too from the house & HPU.

Thanks for the prayers!!! Good night!

Today is the day!

Update: So it didn't happen today. We got to the lawyer's office and the bank has messed things up. We are now waiting on them to send new paperwork and fix their mistake. We hope they'll have it figured out before we go back on Friday. Good thing I prepared for the rest of the week just in case. Rob & I were quite disappointed, but it's all okay. One way or another we'll get the house- just another practice session in patience. So, on Friday we will hopefully sign all the forms, meet the realtor, and get into our new home. Just in time to start our crazy busy weekend... :) Life is good.

In just a little while, I will be a homeowner. That's a big deal to most people, I know. But for us, it's an even bigger deal. It's a dream I laid down a long time ago as "oh that will happen someday when the kids are grown and we've had a few years to save- maybe before retirement or when grandkids start coming." It's not that I said "that will never happen," I just didn't think it would happen anytime soon so I decided to quit worrying about it or feeling bad about it. Believe me it really used to bother me, but that's another blog entry or as I like to say "that's a whole 'nother Oprah!" I've been learning to accept what is and move on; I'm not saying I've got it mastered, just learning it. :) Remember, I'm in God's "special" class; I believe I might even have an IEP up there in heaven somewhere in God's files. ;) And yes, I am sure I will arrive in heaven on a little yellow bus, but ours will be the happiest one to pull in to those gates. :)

But I digress. :) Then, just like God, once I gave up on something(s) I wanted & kept really focusing on what's truly important in life, well He drops that very thing into our laps and makes the impossible become a possibility. Maybe that was the lesson in it all- hmmm, that song & scripture says, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And all these things shall be added unto you. Hallelujah, hallelujah." (Okay so be glad you can't "hear my blog" right now because you'd so hear me humming that tune.) :)

So today, after 20 years, 6 months and 5 days of marriage, my love & I will become 1st time homeowners. A BIG deal to us, our kids, and our family back home who has stood by us in all kinds of adversity and never quit believing in us. We wouldn't be signing some papers shortly if it weren't for God and for that family that's put up with us all along the way.

So please, whoever you are, if you're reading this, celebrate with us. The Thomas family has just bought a house somewhere in NC, and if you listen really closely, you might hear us shouting through tears of joy this afternoon and probably for a while. And you might even hear shouts of praise & joy and cheers all the way from Illinois too. And though these worldly concerns are hardly worthy of notice up in heaven, I'm just know that my heavenly Father will be looking down this afternoon to see two of His kids signing some papers and being more thankful than they could ever express to Him in human words for this big earthly gift He's blessed us with.

Thank You Father for this gift. You knew we always wanted it, and we are so appreciative of it. We will appreciate it more for having waited, and worked, and dreamed, and hoped, and waited some more for it. It was worth it all, and I am ever so grateful. I hope we make You proud through all of this.

With all my love for Him and for you,
Rebekah :)

P.S. Do you think I'll look silly crying while I sign the papers today? I'll try my best, but if I do, oh well! "I yam what I yam." ;)

Today's Numbers

I'm not a numbers kind of gal, but today's numbers are:

44- the # of hours until we close on our first home - but who's counting??? :)
35 - the difference in my weight from December's dr.'s appointment to today's appointment for quick physical check with a nurse- of course the scale isn't the same scale, but still I had to have lost some serious poundage in such a short time!!! :) THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19 - the # of progress reports I need to complete tonight

Signing off for tonight, a happy & tired, Beka Boo

A Fresh Head of Hair

It's Sunday night, and I sure am tired, but as my Momma used to say, "It's a good kind of tired!" :) It's been another full day of working in my classroom and packing here at home, and I still have more to do before I lay my head down tonight. Tomorrow we have our insurance physicals with a nurse for the life insurance policy on the house. I have a big, long list of things to get done in the next two days. Closing is coming. :)

Here's a picture for my Momma. I really do hate photos of me, but I promised her I'd put one up so she could see my super-short & dyed hair. It is seriously really short; the boys thought Rob had cut it for me with the clippers. ;) You should have seen Robert's face and heard that conversation as he tried to dig his way out of that. :) I teased him pretty good for it. So, here's a short & no white haired Rebekah. :) I don't wear my glasses much at home, so you'll have to excuse the wide-eyed, glassy-eyed me. I'm sleep-deprived, what can I say? :)

Working, Working, Working

May I just say that teaching sure helps you be a packrat??? Or maybe packrats become teachers??? I'm not sure which way that goes, but one thing's for sure, having taught from preK to 5th grade and tutoring along the way, I've sure got a lot of STUFF!!!!

Ugh! I'm sick of my stuff! I've been going through everything here at the house and have pitched and pitched and pitched! I'm about to take the last of it over to the storage unit with Rob's help.

Next up is to go through all my teacher books and give away or pitch outdated stuff. I hardly have time to go through many of the books so I might as well find new homes for some of them. A few of them are ancient enough I'm sure to be okay saying goodbye too, but I HATE throwing away books. It's just hard, but I can't be a packrat anymore. There's no room at the new house and the storage unit can only hold so much stuff. :)

So, I'm going to shower, head out to the storage place, grab a few groceries to hold us over until payday (we're almost OD- YIKES!), and get back to work. I've still got to pitch, pitch, pitch, pitch.

I keep chanting my mantra in my head, "It will be worth it, so worth it..." I am getting really, really tired.

Only 4 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then the "real" work will begin!

Hopefully it won't take too long to feel like home to us. I'm feeling a bit emotional about the move, my kids growing up, and just missing home a little too. This house is the only place here in NC where I have any "family" memories. I know that will sound silly or maybe just plain crazy, but I feel like I'm about to be lonely again- the only connection in NC to my family back home- leaving this place with some wonderful memories of family time with the five of us, but also my family from "home" coming out here. Oh well, this is a HUGE-MONGOUS blessing happening to us, it will be wonderful & save us money, which we need desperately right now. And it won't be long before we start making new family memories in that house and my family is here to celebrate another graduation. I'm looking forward to making more memories in a home that is finally, truly "ours!" It's been a very long time coming, and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

For right now, I'm trying to take one day at a time. Back to work I go!

Happy Saturday all!
Rebekah :)

Father Forgive Me

Father, I have sinned against someone, a stranger I met this afternoon, but who I have wronged in the past. This person does not know that I wronged them, but You do. And Father, I am terribly ashamed of myself and sorry for what I did. Thank You for helping me to get to know this one a tiny, tiny bit today. Thank You for using this person to teach me a lesson, and let me not forget it one little bit. Let me find a better way to serve this one. I want to be more like You.

With sorrow for my sin & thankfulness for Your grace and Your teaching,
Your Rebekah :)

Can We Say "Crazy???"

Okay, this is just a quick reflection for me to look back on in a month or so. Feel free to go along for the ride and, please, have a laugh at/with/for me if you will. I am planning to laugh at myself a bit now and a whole lot later!!! :)

My brain to myself today at 4:45 P.M. Eastern time (whatever time thing we're in now- Standard, Daylight Savings.... I can never keep track)...

Brain: "What in the world were you thinking?"
Self: "To what are you referring?"
Brain: "Are you completely nuts or trying to make me nuts with moving now?!?!?! Plus trying to help Barbara finish her college apps, write a letter of reference for another young person going to college. And then I'm trying to figure out how to make your silly class run more smoothly and help you manage the kids in centers better & you do a better job of what you do, with two grades in there to boot, and you want me to do all that on no sleep! I really must protest. Then you need me to figure out your taxes and do the kids' financial aid forms. Let alone trying to make big decisions such as do I update your resume? Do I think about next year and all that entails? Really, I think I'll go on strike!!!!"
Self: "I think you already have gone on strike. I can't remember anything anymore, can hardly keep track of the whereabouts of a single item in my room, can't get paperwork done on time, or remember where I'm going and which kid I'm picking up. My assistant thinks I'm crazy and the most disorganized person she's ever met! My room looks awful and there's piles everywhere in my room, my house... aaaaggghhhhh!"
Brain: "We've got to come to an understanding..."
Self: "Well, get ready because it's going to get worse."
Brain: "What!?!? How can it get worse?????"
Self: Because next week, interims are due at work, we'll close on the house, it's the end of the month so that will mean checkbook & bill time- both our personal favorites- plus Barbara has the big scholarship interview weekend thing at HPU. Then we'll be moving, cleaning, and emptying out this house... Then in March, baseball starts, and Rob will be working between the high school, the 'Hoppers, and the high school ball team ticket taking job. Robert will be working between the restaurant, the mall, and the 'Hoppers plus college. Barbara will have the Hoppers and school and preparing for all her IB & AP exams. Matthew may make the baseball team and have school and those games. Yeah, things are only going to become more crazy."
Brain: "That's it!!! I'm throwing in the towel now!"

:) Whew! Okay, now I'm ready to get back in the front room and back to work. It's all going to be worth it. It's so going to be worth it. I just hope I don't fall down dead from lack of sleep before then. :)

And, don't worry folks, this was all said with a big smile on my face. I have to make fun of me. Though I don't really argue with myself- well not quite that much anyway, and I don't hear "voices," I am starting to doubt my sanity.

But in all seriousness, I know I am very blessed to have a family that keeps me so busy, a house to be buying, a life to be living. And I am truly grateful, even if a little overwhelmed!!!

Happy Wednesday!
Rebekah :)

Randomness

I'm
so
very
tired!

So consider yourself warned. :) Randomness ahead. :)

Today we signed paperwork for our new homeowner's policy! :) :) :) :) :) And, I came home and set the cancellation date and paid up our renters insurance policy through that date. :) :) :) :) So, the countdown has begun, and we are getting our "ducks in a row" or however that saying goes. ;) Only nine days until we have our own home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are going to put the curtain Barbara Rose bought for our bedroom window for Christmas in the new living room windows. Rob & I have to have our bedroom dark, and these curtains are very thin and sheer. They will look great in the living room at the new house. But there is only one window now and we'll need another set, so last week I found the same curtain on clearance at Wally-world. YEAH! :) So I've got that. I'm going to wash my momma's lace kitchen curtains out and put them up once again in my kitchen and laundry room. I've missed those curtains in this house, so I'm excited to have them up again! So I will do that this weekend. We have to buy our new doorknobs and dead bolt locks so that when they unlock the house we can get that changed right away. It is a HUD house (for nine more days) and apparently all the realtors in the area have a key to that house. YIKES! So we also have to do that this weekend.

I've got to find someone who can help me understand about this homebuyer tax credit thing (if you're reading and can help me out, please comment or email me). I don't know if I'm supposed to wait for the changes to go through or just do it. Either way, I've got to get that done so I can complete Barbara's financial aid application before we start moving.

I was hoping to not have to pay March rent and be out of here by the end of February, but I realized for some really simple reasons that this was another of God's blessings to me. Our spring bulbs are coming up rapidly now. (Did I tell you this already? I forget!) I have daffodils, hyacinths & crocus all close to blooming- crazy I know- it's only February 16th!!! If we'd moved this month, I'd have missed it, but now I'll get to enjoy them one more time! Plus, I have planted a fair amount of perennials over the last couple summers here. By the time mid-March rolls around it will be getting fairly warm, and I can probably risk digging up and transplanting a few at the new house- well maybe. And, God blessed me again! Robert's youth pastor, Dai, is a landscaper and he has offered to move my two Mothers' Day trees to the new house for me! Every time I thought about leaving those two tiny trees my kids got for me, I almost cried, but with March being warmer, they'll be able to move and probably have a good chance of surviving it! It's funny, but even in the little things, sometimes God gives you the tiniest, seemingly insignificant things when He knows they are important (even if silly) to you. Thanks God!

Matthew is trying out for baseball. If you're reading, please pray for him about this. He tried last year, and came close to making it, but just not quite. He REALLY REALLY REALLY wants this. I'm praying he makes it. It would do so much for his self-esteem, his confidence, it would just make him so happy.

Today I had my friend and "old" coworker, Kristen, come visit me for lunch. She ate as my "lunch buddy" with our old students, T & B. It was nice!!! Then tonight I heard from an "old" friend, Tanise, which made my day even if it did make me homesick.

I'm so thankful to God for blessing Robert with another part time job that will pay pretty good and seems like it's going to be a great opportunity for him as he finishes his training. It will provide him with a good amount of $ to start saving for a car which he'll need to get an electrical job when school is done.

Barbara had a great 18th birthday. It hit me last night as I was saying goodnight that this is probably her last birthday while she is "living" at home. Sure, she might not live on campus and stay here, but she thinks and strongly wants to live away from home and on campus. Sure, she'll come home next year and eat with us and spend time with us, but then she'll leave to go back to her apartment, dorm room... This was it, the "last" of her childhood birthdays. It was so nice and a little bittersweet. I didn't dwell on it or blubber, but I let myself cry for a couple minutes, then hugged my baby girl and went on.

I'm about to crash for the night. I'm starting to get to the walking exhausted & half asleep point once again. I've been dizzy & nauseous again. I hate insomnia. I dread going to bed once again because I know in about 3 hours I'll be awake again and spend the rest of the night tossing, turning, half awake... Ugh! But I'm so tired, I've got to try. :)

Well, I told you it was pure random. Sorry about that. Night God. Night all!