God be with them.

Father, please be withe people of Japan in these days. They need You. They need help, wisdom, peace and comfort. You are the source of all that. Help the Japanese people to have the love and support of the world and to see You through this tragedy.

Help us Americans to see past our own difficulties and reach out to the world in time of need. Help us to not get bogged down in the politics, the ugliness, the tensions and bickerings of our day, but to see past our own problems and help.

Rebekah

I wish I could write...

I wish I could write about education more eloquently and without so much emotion. If I could, I'd write a "tell-all" book, and boy, would I have things to tell.

I'd say how stupid it all is. I'd write about:

• How I have collected knives and look alike "dime-bags" with no action from above.
• How I have broken up countless fights and disputes which take me away from the lesson I am trying to teach and by the time I get it resolved, the time to be able to teach is gone.
• How many things have been stolen from other kids and from me and other staff members- stupid little things, important things, things of sentimental value, food, and even $.
• How students can destroy or steal property and nothing happens.
• How a student can be out of control and you have to vacate the room with the entire class and try to find a place to continue teaching with no materials or tools or student materials, so as to protect the angry child's psyche and self-esteem while he/she is then allowed to trash your room and your personal property.
• How you, as the teacher, have to arrange for in school suspension- there is no such thing as going to the office anymore.
• How you, as the teacher, can wonder how you are supposed to teach a class anything when kids come & go all day long for all the specialists they need to see and you can't even assemble a small group to teach, let alone remediate.
• How you, as the teacher, can be held responsible for so many things that are out of your control.
• How schools just put bandaids on "gaping wounds" and won't start earlier when the kids are young before so much damage has been done.
• How you are talked about by your colleagues and even administrators.
• How the suits who observe you, your students, your classroom for no more than a minute or two can somehow determine that you are a lousy teacher, that you lack rigor, that your activities aren't good enough, that you aren't good enough, that you are entirely to blame for your students failures, that the growth you see isn't growth at all.
• How administration can't/won't stand up for staff, but because of fear for their own jobs (which are also on the line) allow anything to be done to try to save their own jobs.
• How all these school visits and data days take you away from the kids you're supposed to be helping.
• How you wonder what good a sub can do if you are so awful.
• How you have to deal with all the awfulness after you're out for one of these lovely meeting days and your kids are a wreck.
• How much sorrow and awful-ness so many kids have to face in life at such young ages, and it is so normal, they don't even know it's not normal.
• How it isn't just money-poverty, but all kinds of poverty and it's tearing our kids, and our nation apart.
• How disgusted I am this year. How I never thought I'd ever feel this way. How I now buy a lottery ticket and pray it is a winner. How I'd like to walk away right now and never look back. How I can't, and it's sucking the life out of me.

That's what I'd say if I was an eloquent writer. But I'm not. Maybe you'd listen to this. I am so not in the "loop" that I don't even know much about this "Daily Show," but this interview is good. I'm going to buy her book.

Most Wonderful Mom Moment Ever!

Robert came home from his second job last night at 11:30. I was asleep in the recliner (stupid back). :) I woke up enough to say hello and was thinking I'd head back to sleep. Being "my" son and so much like me, he needed to talk, so I woke on up to listen. I am so glad I did!!!!!!

I had the most wonderful moment a mom could ever have, and I just sat there, in the dark, and listened to him and cried and held his hand, and oh my! I have never cried so many happy tears in all my life!!!!!! All I could think of was two things.

I may be a big fat slob (which I am, but not for the rest of my life). I may be not a nice person. I may be a lousy teacher by some's view. I may be not much to look at. I will never be of any importance or famous or well off. But, I (and Rob) did something good in this world, something right because that young man is ours!

All those hard times, and there have been many. All those years of sacrifice. Those "bad" years when our marriage was young, and we were oh so young, and trying to survive layoffs, no food, no money, three in diapers, both going to college and working while juggling three under the age of three (then three ages 1-4, ages 2-5...), all those days I had to load diaper pails into the wagon, strap two toddlers to the wagon handle with a walking "leash" for lack of better word, carry one baby on my hip and a diaper bag with diapers, extra clothes, snacks, toys, books and my own backpack of homework and walk with them and the wagon to the laundromat, all those days Rob & I would one of us be in class, and the other would bundle three babies/toddlers up in coats and hats and carry them all out to buckle them into car seats and drive to campus to trade so the other could get to class ten minutes later (and repeat that a couple times a day).......ALL that paid off.

I look back and then it didn't feel like it would ever end- it was just hard. I couldn't have imagined that I would raise such fine young people. I would never have known how much I would love these kids or how my heart would burst with pride at the young adults they would become.

My :) List for today is this: I am a mom of three amazing, wonderful, talented and maturing young adult children! That is more than enough for me!

Robert Michael Dale, Barbara Rose, and Matthew Lane, you just really have no idea how much you are loved by God, your parents and grandparents, your Aunt Jessica, your friends and many others.

And you have no idea how very, very proud your mom and dad are of you! But I pray that as you keep maturing into these amazing adults you are becoming, you will know two things: the absolutely profound and endless love & mercy of God first & FOREMOST. And that you will know how very deeply your parents love and cherish each of you. You are and always will be my greatest pride & joy! I will ALWAYS love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I could not be more proud of you than I am!

:)

Teach-iversary

Seventeen years ago I stepped into a public school classroom as a teacher for the first time. I was 23, a mother of three (ages 1, 3, 4), and excited but terrified at the same time. I had no clue what would come my way, the wide range of experiences I would get, the things I would see, or the places I would go. I didn't have any idea how much my heart would love the kids and families or how hard the heartbreaks would be or the amount of tears I would shed over things I saw/heard.

This year has, without a doubt, been the hardest one of my teaching life. I know I will only survive it with God's help, and without Him, I'd be having a nervous breakdown. To be honest, I really feel some burnout, but I know this is what God made me to be.

My very sweet parents had a beautiful flower bouquet delivered today to my school for my teachiversary. :) (I loved that word as soon as I made it up today!) I will post a photo tomorrow. It is full of pretty yellow & white daisies and other flowers and came in a cute yellow happy face mug! It was such a bright spot in a really rough day filled with a lot of behavior issues. Thanks Momma & Pop for the flowers, but most of all for being proud of me and for supporting me and what I do each day. It helps to know you are behind me!!! I'd never make it without the love & help of God, Rob, my parents, and my kids!!!

Here's to wherever the road is leading me next! As long as I have God guiding me, I know it will all work out for good. (I have to be honest, though, and admit that I wouldn't be upset if the path gets a little smoother- ;) wink, wink).

Today's smiles

I am exhausted from another night of very little sleep. Rob & I were both up at 4 AM after being up until about midnight. Ugh! I'm too old for that deal! :) I think I will call it an early night soon and pray for a good night's rest.

My :) List for today:

• Another sign of spring- storms are here this afternoon/evening- YEAH!!!! Oh how I love the rain and thunder and lightning! I take after my Momma that way. :)
• A nice, brief talk with our literacy coach today. She doesn't think I'm doing a horrible job, and gave me some positive feedback- a first this year and oh so nice to hear!!! She gave me some suggestions too which was also nice- real, practical suggestions based on a conversation or observation of what is actually going on in my world. :) Refreshing!!!
• Picking up my daughter from the college! Haven't done that in a week or two. We haven't gotten to spend much time together lately, and I have missed her a lot!
• Hugs from my daughter at the end of a rough afternoon- just what I needed was the love and support of my family!
• Homemade potato soup made by Robert waiting for us when we got home- yummy! AND "grown-up" grilled cheese sandwiches made by Rob AND tomatoes!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I can't wait for tomatoes all summer! :)
• Our hardworking oldest son makes me so proud! Robert is working two jobs. Today he worked with the contractor all day, went from that job straight to the restaurant at 4 PM, will get off there and go straight back to work with the contractor & be painting at a local Walmart from 10 PM-7 AM, then report to another job & work another full day tomorrow before getting off finally tomorrow night. He just turned 21 and is not afraid to work hard. I did something right to have such a great young man as my son!!!!!!!!!!
• I will probably regret this in some way, but it is what it is. I'm wiped out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. This year is kicking my backside! I have a lot of things that "need" to be done. Paperwork that is due or past due at work. Papers that I need to grade (just a small pile though), grad school work that I have to do, and oh so much more. You know what, though. I'm not doing it tonight! I'm going to go to read my Bible, crawl in bed and pray for some rest and relief and a day of being His light tomorrow. One more day, Father, one more day. I'll get there one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Sunday, Sunday

Spring is making its appearance it seems, and I hope it is here to stay. The weather is getting warmer, the daylight longer, the buds on trees in our neighborhood are starting to appear, and we are hearing more and more birds singing in the morning and evening. So nice!!!

Only three and one half months to survive. I can do all things through Christ. repeat. times. one hundred. :)

My mind has started its yearly "things I want to do differently next year" list, except it keeps saying, "Where will I be next year?" which makes it more difficult. But, learning is good, and I'm trying to not beat myself up too much for not having a perfect first year in this new grade. I just see so many mistakes and things I did that could have been better, or things I did not know and wish I had....

My :) List:

• Calling my Momma yesterday and having a nice LONG talk! :) :) :)
• I love laughing and making people laugh. I made Momma and myself laugh hysterically and that felt soooo good! BBB, Momma! ;)
• I went to bed early last night (well, early for me- 10 PM, and though I couldn't get to sleep right away, it was nice to be there relaxing and listening to my hubby snoring :) and just finally drifting off to sleep).
• Mandy (my pal from work) called us Friday night and invited Rob & I to join her and her parents at a nearby restaurant. That was so nice of them to include us and we enjoyed some being with some pretty nice people!
• Spring- my hyacinth is peeking out of the ground; can't wait to see the daffodils soon. :)
• Daylight- it is so much easier to get out of bed with a little light then in the dark (and it is already such a struggle to get out of bed to go to "that place" so that really does help!)
• Warm chocolate chip/nut cookies made for Robert (a belated birthday treat)- I only ate one too- yeah me!!!
• One more month in the year of hell about to be over! THANK YOU GOD for helping me get through it all!
• Zoe is the prettiest niece an aunt could ever see- I find myself telling her photo hello and good night every day, and sometimes when I can't focus on work or college work, I just stare at her picture on my laptop. :) I can't wait to meet her!!!
• Walking with Rob & Matthew and Samson this afternoon, and the last little bit we walked in a warm, gentle rain- so neat!
• Rob & I went shoe shopping together and found walking shoes on sale! :)
• most of all, God loves me- even me!

SERIOUSLY?????

Is it just me or does this just seem ridiculous??? Is it really possible that across the nation, in every state, in every large, urban center that all the lousy teachers are there and only there in those poor places? Really???? Give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Zoe,

Dear Zoe,

It's me again, your crazy Aunt Beka. I just wanted to tell you again how very much you are loved! Uncle Rob, the cousins, and I live so far away, but I hope you can feel the love even though there are 1,000 miles between us.

And your silly Uncle Rob keeps claiming you as "his niece" only. We have little "play arguments" about whose niece you are. He just saw a baby food commercial, and told me the neatest thing. I wanted to share it with you so you will know someday how much Uncle Rob loves you. He doesn't say it as much as I do (just remember I'm kind of crazy), but he loves you bunches already!!!! So when this commercial came on, he said, "I know what that company was trying to do, but they didn't do it. They were trying to make a cute baby commercial, but they didn't have my niece in it. If they'd put my niece in it, then they'd have a cute baby commercial."

And as for me, I miss you already, and you're just a few days old. I stare at your picture on my computer each night (when I'm supposed to grading papers, writing lesson plans or doing homework for college). I could stare at your picture all night! I LOVE the little dream-smile you have in this photo Mommy posted. I can't wait until you come out here to your cousin's graduation and we can hold you and get to love on you in person. I hope you will like all of us and not be afraid of us. I promise we're all big & tall people, but we're really nice. Silly, but really nice.

I better go do some of that work now, or maybe I'll just stare at your photo some more. You make me smile! :)

Love always,

Aunt Beka

Dear God, it's me, the crazy one.

"How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, LORD my God. Give light to my eyes..." Psalm 13:1-3

Please God, I need You,

Rebekah

Working Hard :)

Rob and I are working hard to take care of us. We have been walking consistently for almost two months now. :) And we've been extending our distance/time and pushing even more lately. Rob jokingly now calls me the "taskmaster." So I got this idea that we could walk to our favorite restaurant down the road from us (I knew it was around a mile there). So we did. We walked there, ate supper, and walked home. It was fun, we were tired, but we did it!

Today is our oldest child's birthday- his 21st birthday! I can't believe we have been parents for 21 years!!!!! And now our birthday factory ends for a few months.

My :) List:

• We are still walking, and tonight we did just a tiny bit more than 2 miles! :)
• I had a major meltdown this morning working on my next big grad school assignment, but I pushed through it, Rob checked it for me when I was done, and it is turned in- early too!
• I have about 1/2 my papers graded- it was a HUGE stack, and now it's down to just big. :)

Education is ruined!

Reader be warned: This is probably a rant, and I am going to be honest. Just stop reading now because this is truly me just journaling here to get out some negative feelings so I can get on with all the real work I have to do this weekend.

Yes, our students are failing. Yes, MY students are not passing the benchmark exams or other assessments at the level they need to be (a few are, but the VAST majority are not).

What does that mean, exactly? Why is this happening? How can it be fixed? What can I do to help my students be successful? These are the kinds of questions I ask myself on a daily basis and the kinds of questions others ask of us and ask in general frequently.

I am to the point that I am NOT going to even enter into these conversations other than to be a listener- sometimes active, willing listener & sometimes forced, unwilling listener (that will depend on the speaker's attitude towards my colleagues & me). I have been at that point for a while now because when we try to have honest conversations about this at work, well all we get back is that we are just "being negative, making excuses, not accepting our responsibility...." or "There are no more excuses, you HAVE to get them there."

I think that is what gripes me the most- we are NOT making excuses. We are being honest and saying these are the obstacles we face and how can we get through them? But the leaders of our education system these days don't want honesty, they want a magic cure. Folks, there isn't one! Our society is messed up, there are bad things out there in the real world where people live. Can kids overcome those things? YES!!!! I believe that wholeheartedly! Can they do it on the timeline the feds, the state, the district thinks with 100% success rate right now? Hardly! These problems and issues take years to work through, to struggle with, and fight through. But if we would all work together and support one another, these kids could be more than successful. But as long as we can't have honest conversations, I don't see how much will change. Kids will continue to struggle because they face things most of us middle-class teachers/administrators never even knew about, and they will have to have lots of long-term love and support and great instruction to get through it and come out successful.

Listen up people!!!!!!!! This is what I do on a daily basis. This year has NOT been fun for me- at all. But you know why I get out of the bed each morning? It isn't for you yuckity-shmucks, that's for sure! It isn't for the stupid benchmark exams or the kids' scores. I get out of bed because I see their faces- some days bright & shining and laughing, some days, dark and stormy and filled with anger and hurt and hatred. I get out of bed with the hope that I will love them one more day, teach them a little more that day, and help them live one more day knowing they are loved and that someone at school believes in them and knows they can be successful. I believe in the big picture, that I am just one person in a long line of educators and staff members who pours herself into them heart & soul in the hopes and prayers that someday those children will experience LIFE SUCCESS- not benchmark success.

We should be about helping kids succeed in life. I am who I am today because of a handful of people who loved me and helped me and taught me about life- yes about math and reading and writing, but most of all about life. My Momma, Pop, Daddy, sister, aunts & uncles top that list and one teacher. The one teacher who helped me the most in school probably taught me some amazing things, but you know what he did for me that made such a profound, long-term difference in my life? He loved me through a really hard, dark time in my life when I probably acted out the most, was a big brat, and didn't deserve all the patience he showed to me. He sent me a card in the mail to tell me he loved me and was thinking of me. He showed me daily that patience and love in class and saw past the hurt, confusion and anger that was going on inside me to the real Rebekah. He BELIEVED in me!!!!!!!! Even when I didn't!!!!!!!!!!!! And I went on to real school success later on because I wanted to make him proud. He never saw that success in his classroom, but many other teachers benefited from his work on me. I became a successful person in life because he put up with me and kept working on me. That is the kind of teacher I want to be.

There is NO ONE at my school that cares about my students more than I do! No one wants them to be more successful than I do! Their parents, for sure! But as far as staff, I am the one who is in this day-to-day fight with them, working more closely with them then others, being with them almost solid from 7:30-2:30 (and sometimes longer). I am the one who has to help them through the daily dramas, has to break up their fights, help them solve the constant aggravations they give each other, and work though their anger issues. I am the one who collects knives, assorted stolen items, and even things that appear to be drugs. I am the one who has to help them try to have a good day when they come to school in the morning hungry, having not eaten since lunch at school yesterday, or exhausted because they were up much later than an eight year old ought to be. I am the one who has to make the child abuse reports or listen to their stories from home which are not the shiny-happy people ones most of us grew up with. I am the one trying to help my English-language learners to understand grade-level concepts, read at grade level, work at grade level all while also learning this new language. I am the one trying to teach reading, writing, math, science, learn a new grade & a new curriculum with no support or help, NO observations, no constructive feedback, nothing but negative comments based on no actual classroom observations. How can you even criticize when you don't ever come into the room and sit down and watch me teach? I just do NOT understand that!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't see my principal or CF or regional superintendent or her peeps, let alone the superintendent, the governor (oh, don't get me started there) or anybody else in power coming in the room to actually observe what we really deal with, let alone help. Just this past week, I was "helping" an angry student down the hall trying to redirect them. I was hurting my back dealing with this student, and could have used some support. Someone "higher up" walked right past me, saw the situation, smiled and said, "It sure is warm today isn't it?" and just kept right on walking. But she'll be sure to tell my grade level chair how we aren't working hard enough????? REALLY???????? Where are these people when you try to teach and have to stop to deal with behavior issues? Where are they when the kids have real-life problems that we don't face, and I have to stop teaching to try to help them work through these things? NOT there!

So go away and stop talking to me about how much I stink, how little I do, how I am not doing enough or trying my best or working hard enough. Go do something else, but get out of my face!

The truly sad thing is that this is happening not just in my school, district, state, but all over our nation. Education is ruined, and the poor kids in "those" kinds of schools are suffering for all this mess. Teachers are too. Good teachers who work in schools that many educators wouldn't touch, teachers who should be supported for giving their all to kids and families. Instead, those same teachers who work long, LONG hours, give a lot of their family time and family $ away to the school/classroom/kids they serve, are being scapegoated, blamed, maligned to save the administrator's jobs. I try to understand, I really do, but I just don't see how any of this helps kids. So instead, I will move on if God will allow. Not sure where that will be, but for the first time in my life, I am going to at least look outside the field that I KNOW GOD CALLED ME TO. I cannot believe I am going to do that. I hope He will forgive me, but I am broken. Truly broken. I used to be a good teacher. Now I'm just a piece of junk trying to survive four more months, trying to help those kids I adore as much as I can in that short time before I say goodbye. Because in spite of what "they" think about me, I truly do care about my kids. I truly do.

Friday Eve

One of our "interventionists" at school today told me "Happy Friday Eve" as I walked with my class to lunch. I like that! :)

This school year continues to roll out loads of stress and ugliness at the teachers I work with (and me), but I'm trying to hang on. I have made it a lot longer than I had thought I could, and I'm down to four months. And at the almost end :) of those four months, I'll get to see my parents, my sister & brother and new, sweet niece, Zoe! They'll be here for Matthew's graduation, if God allows. Boy, that will be an emotional time- my youngest child's high school graduation & the last for Rob & I as parents, meeting my niece for the first time, seeing my far-away, deeply loved family, and hopefully for Matthew, letting my baby go off to join Uncle Sam. I better stock up on tissues as I cry for every emotion under the sun, so I am sure to need them. :)

In the mean time, I have a TON of grad school work to do- this course is the equivalent of at least two grad courses and it is kicking all of us in the backside! At work, some of us are going to have to visit other schools in the hopes that we will quit being bad teachers and start doing our jobs. I have a resume to update and start sending out and some prayers I am praying and need to keep praying for guidance about the next step for myself and my family.

My :) List for this Friday eve:

• Rob & I walked even further tonight!!!! 40 minutes and we did almost 2 miles tonight! :) :)
• I got a spine yesterday and spoke up two times!!! I may have caused some harm to my future, but I was NOT ugly, did not yell, and said how I really feel and spoke up for the kids. It felt good to say it, though it angered me to have to do so.
• I ate salad without salad dressing tonight!!!! I'm not a huge soak your salad in dressing person, but this was a big step for me. I used some of the vinegar from the kalamata olives and a little salt & pepper and it was good!

I'll be working all weekend on grad school and trying to prepare paperwork and lesson plans and sub plans for work. I have three HUGE projects and papers due in the next week in my grad course plus the weekly readings, math assignments and online postings. In a few weeks, the capstone exam and portfolio are due, and I haven't even started those yet. YIKES!!! Plus somewhere in all this busy-ness, we have one last birthday and still have two birthday dinners to celebrate. It's going to be a busy weekend! Hope wherever you are, yours is sunny & filled with laughter and love!

18, 20, 20

Those are the ages of the kids in our house. "Kids" is a relative word I guess. They are my kids and always will be just as I am still my own Momma's kid at 40 years old. :) I am smiling as I type because I remember when Barbara loved her birthday for obvious reasons, of course, but also because she loved being the same age as Robert for five days. Oh, how she used to torture him! Sweet memories! (Jessica, makes me think of you and that whole, "I was there when you were born" thing.) :)

Barbara had to work tonight :(, so Rob, Robert, and I went to McDonald's in hopes of seeing her for a second. She was working the back drive-thru window, so we bought Robert a shake, got back in the car and went through the drive thru just to shout "Happy Birthday" at her, drive through and tell her we love her and go home. :)

I'm continuing to walk. Tonight I noticed that we are slowly inching the distance up and the time. So this is pathetic to those of you who are fit & healthy, but I still want to share it. Hopefully you won't think less of me for being a fatso. :) In the six weeks since I started walking, I've doubled the amount of time and distance I was walking, and I've increased the number of days I walk too.

My :) List for today:

• I made time for Rob & me this weekend. Paid a big price for it perhaps, but I am getting MUCH better about putting family and even myself first.
• I continue to walk, drink more water, eat less.
• I like making fun memories with our kids and Rob. I LOVED going to see the kids at McDonald's tonight, especially hollering Happy Birthday to Barbara through the order screen. :) hehehehehehe

Happy Birthdays begin again

This is the birthday week at our home! Rob's was last Friday. He & I headed off on a little weekend adventure so we didn't do his traditional birthday dinner then. We are having that tonight; he always asks for my homemade lasagna. :) Kind of predictable, but you don't hear me complaining. Barbara helped me get prepare my giant pan full of lasagna and in a little bit we'll be munching away on that and salad, homemade bread, and fresh fruit.

Tomorrow is our daughter's 20th birthday!!! Who can believe that much time has gone by since she was born?!?!?! Happy Birthday Barbara Rose! Your family loves you very, very much!! We are so proud of the young woman you have become and who are you learning to be!!!!!

Sunday will be Robert's 21st birthday. Once again, WOW!!!! How did these tiny babes I brought home get to be so old, and Robert now a legal adult!?!?! This young man texted me today to ask me if lamb and asparagus sounded good. He showed up at my school with freshly cooked (by him) lamb chops, roasted veggies, and steamed fresh asparagus. OH. MY. WORD. Can I say DELICIOUS???????????????? I have never eaten lamb before; it was yummy! This young man can sure cook! He went out and bought the food, went home and cooked it, and then brought it to school and even brought plates from home, silverware and everything, sat with me at my table and with my kids and ate lunch with me. SO SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so thankful for this family of mine! Thank you God for these blessings!

Ocracoke Island

We Love Our Niece!!!!!!!!!

Rob and I are off on a little weekend adventure. I needed to get away from some things, and so did Rob. It was his birthday Friday, so we just took off.

We are so excited to be an aunt & uncle!!!! We went beach combing to find a shell for our niece, Zoe, from each of us, and I left her a note in the sand!

Skype :)

We got to "see" our niece/cousin tonight!!!! The hospital where my sister is at has internet, so we were able to Skype with Jessica, Scott, and Zoe tonight. It kept cutting out and the quality was rough, but at least we got to talk a bit, joke around and be our usual, silly selves, and most important of all see the precious gift God gave to my sister and brother-in-law (and all of us). :)

She is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Sis & Scott!!!! It's not as good as the real thing, but it is all we have, and I'm so thankful for that!

I'm off to finish packing a change of clothes, get my shower, and put together all the grad school homework I'll need for the weekend.

Tomorrow is my best friend's 44th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROB!!!!!!!!!!! I love you so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

quick post

I was "going to go to bed" ages ago- famous last words! Now it's 11:30 P.M. Me and my sore throat are still sitting here, but at least I'm in my pj's. :)

We had a dinner date with one of my third graders tonight; he had to earn this and worked very hard the past few weeks to improve some things. He giggled and smiled the whole time; kind of sweet! :) I hope it made a wonderful memory for him. He picked Cici's pizza and was hilarious watching how much pizza Matthew ate. He & Matthew played some video games afterwards, and Matthew helped him with the claw game. Rob took him to buy some flowers to give his mom as a "thank you" for letting him go, and was whispering to him gentlemanly clues, so my little friend opened doors for me all evening. :) He told me he's going to tell the class all kinds of things about me and my family tomorrow. He was telling his momma about my family and about my car named, Rosie; said his sister asked, "What kind of people name their car?" He told her, "My crazy teacher!" :) :) :)

I have stared at the hospital photos of my niece most of the evening since we got home, haven't done a single thing I needed to do, and now I'm headed to bed.

Rob & I are going on an adventure this weekend. I'll have to take a ton of school and grad work with me, but it'll still be fun and away from my employer and this county- so tired of "them." I'll miss the kids. We've NEVER left them alone; never left them with anyone but parents/my sister. I feel really weird about that, but I guess since they're 18, 19 & 20 (about to turn 20 & 21), this is probably totally silly of me. :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Rebekah :)

Welcome to the World Zoe!!!!!!!!

Meet my niece, Zoe Nicole Rose, born today at 8:01 A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!

My dear little niece,

Welcome little Zoe!!! You are so very loved, and you don't even know it yet! I haven't met you in person yet, but this first photo looks JUST like your Momma. I hear you've been quite active in Momma's tummy like I was in Grandma's. Way to go, kiddo! :) Now, though, you have to rest, eat plenty, and let your momma heal up from today's big action. You keep growing and learning and then we'll give your momma some fun together. :)

We are going to have so much fun when we get to be together; I'll tell you lots of stories, read to you, teach you fun things, help you play pranks on your momma, do art projects, make cookies, go to church, and whatever things you like to do. I wish that I lived closer to you, and it bugs me a lot that I won't be there to see most things in your life, but I'll write you letters, send you homemade cards, mail you packages of books and cool things, birthday presents and gifts at Christmas. When I go to the mountains, I'll find neat things and send you photos of all the pretty things I find. If I venture to the ocean, I will hunt for the prettiest seashell I can find and send it to you.

And maybe you can send me pretty pictures and drawings you make, and write me when you're old enough. We can be pen pals. :) We'll skype each other and text (yeah, I'm going to be one cool aunt!), and as you learn more tech things that they'll invent in your life, you can teach them to me too!

Zoe, you have to learn all about Jesus. Momma & Daddy will teach you all about Him and how much He loves you. I know you will love Him too.

Zoe, there will be hard times in life. I wish there weren't, but that'd be a lie. But NO MATTER WHAT, never forget that you are loved. LOVED, LOVED, LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!! We all waited for you; you were an answer to prayer. Your momma & daddy are going to be AWESOME parents. You are very blessed to have them. Some days they will make you mad. You will feel like they are so unfair and mean and awful, but I promise you they are not. Listen to them and try to be as obedient, respectful, and thoughtful as you can be.

Zoe, you are one beautiful little girl! I cannot wait to see you grow up.

With all my love,

Aunt Rebekah :)

Daddy, do you know?

Do you know up there in heaven, that you're a grandpa again? Does God let you see anything of our lives without you? Does He show you the important things to us? Do you ever think of us girls or Momma?

Do you know that Jessica is a great mommy already, and she's just started on this journey? Do you know that your grandkids are amazing people- all four of them?

I don't understand the workings of heaven so I have no clue if you get to see us or even remember us or think of us up there. And I'm pretty sure that God doesn't show you stupid blogs of silly people like me, but I wanted to tell you that you are still loved and thought of all these years later. Your girls still wish you were a part of their lives and now their children's lives.

Rebekah

Early Morning Ramblings of an Overtired Crazy Lady :)

I am having the ever lovely insomnia problem again lately. So this morning, I decided to just get up, quit lying there awake, and come say hello since I haven't been on in a few days. I had a big research paper due in my class this past weekend, so I was working like crazy on that plus I continue to try to keep afloat with school work, and I am still walking almost every night.

I hit a wall or something last night. Robert was teasing me at supper; he said I looked like I could hardly lift the food to my mouth, and that was about the truth. I didn't do a thing for college or work or anything else last night and got in bed at 9:15. I don't feel too hot, not sure if it's just the lack of sleep or a bug. Today's going to be hard.

I am eagerly awaiting news from home about Baby M. Hopefully soon he/she will be making their big debut into the world. I am so happy for Jessica & Scott and for my parents who will be wonderful grandparents to him/her! I look forward to seeing some photos of little man/woman. I wish I could be there. My sister and Momma say how I'll be important in this kid's life, and I know I will to some extent. But honestly, I will mostly be a stranger, and that hurts. Yeah, I'll be the aunt that they get to come spend the summers with someday maybe, and of course I'll do neat things with him/her. But I won't get to see him/her on a regular basis, go to the ballgames, concerts, recitals, school programs. I won't really be part of that life, and it makes me sad. I will not dwell on it, and I don't want to have a pity party. It is a time to celebrate!

So for now, I think I'll try to catch a few minutes of snooze or relaxation hopefully before the alarm tells me it's time to start the day officially. Another full day of laughing with my kids, learning about fractions and figurative language and then another lovely afternoon of meetings.

My :) List for the past few days:

• I persevered through that horrible paper! Now on to another pile of homework assignments, readings, postings, and the next big project due in two weeks, and hopefully soon I can start the capstone portfolio and studying for my capstone exam.
• Continuing to walk, stretching it out a little further again- baby steps. I'm working on being healthier, and in April I will be walking in a 5K for one of my special friends, Matthew. I've never done that so it will be exciting, and I want to do a good job for him too!
• My sister is going to have a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am an Aunt Rebekah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This makes me very, very, very happy!
• Having a colleague in your corner, a compatriot, or maybe we're just fellow partners in crime- hehehehe- whatever way you look at it, I'm so thankful God put someone else new in my corner this year. It helps to not be the only "newbie," especially when the others think we stink.
• I may be getting to spend some time with my best friend, just the two of us, for his birthday. That will be so nice!!!!

Matthew Made Me So Happy

Matthew made my day today! He was disappointed when Rob said he'd get groceries so I could keep working on my research paper. He stood there and said, "Awww, I wanted to spend time with Mom." :) :) :) :) :)

So, I procrastinated a little more on the paper and went grocery shopping with my "baby" and my "baby girl." I don't know how much longer I'll have Matthew around, so I am grabbing EVERY opportunity to be with him.

But most of all, this just made me so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matthew Lane Thomas, your momma loves you so very much!

"real" weather!

Just thought I'd share this link for anyone that wants to see why I am always talking about the not-real winter weather here in North Carolina. This is real winter weather! Stay warm my family, I'm thinking of you & praying for you!!!!

:)s for today

Keeping it short. I'm "supposed" to be working on a research paper for grad school, but I must confess that I am struggling with this course!!!! I'm not sleeping well, so I think, honestly, I may just try to go to bed at a decent hour and hope & PRAY for sleep tonight!

My happy list for today:

• My pants are getting really lose on me in several places- I love this feeling!!! :) :) :)
• I didn't get the materials needed to complete mandatory assessments until last Thursday and couldn't start until Friday, but I am working like crazy to get them done by the deadline. I am done with one assessment- WOOHOO!!! and close to the halfway point on another. Hopefully I'll get done by next Friday so I can get back to teaching which is what I want to do desperately!!!!
• Another walk with my hubby- and the past two nights, I have to say were harder because I was just plain wiped out, but I did it anyway. Don't know why or what it is, but Rebekah is definitely changing for the better.
• I saw an "old" coworker and dear friend today. Kristen came by the school and brought Elizabeth with her. It MADE MY DAY to see them both. Oh, how I miss working with her. She was a dear!!!! And Elizabeth, what a smile that kid has!!! My class was oohing & aaahing over her. :)
• I did something tonight that I've NEVER done before, and though Jesus probably wouldn't have done it, I don't think I did anything wrong or sinful (I hope not!). I stood up to something rude and it felt so nice!!! My two oldest were with me, and though I think they were a little embarrassed (Sorry you two!!!!!), they both commented to me afterwards that they noticed the rudeness and were proud of me for speaking up. They both said how stunned they were and shocked that "their mom was doing that." :)

hodgpodge

Heard today in my room:

C: Mrs. Thomas, are you perfect?

Me: No I am not! No one is perfect except for God of course.

J: Mrs. Thomas, you are too perfect!

Me: Really, J, I promise you that no human being is perfect. We all make mistakes and do things we shouldn't.

J: Mrs. Thomas, don't say that. You are perfect for me! :)

Awww, J doesn't know how much this touched me. He is quite a challenging friend many days, but together we are working hard, and he is growing up. I am NOT perfect, but I can live with "perfect for him." :)

On the family back home front- My mother-in-law lives in St. Louis which was forecast (according to the Weather Channel) to get an inch of ice! And my parents & sister & brother-in-law are supposed to get 18" of snow. This sure has been a big storm winter so far, and this one will definitely go in the record books. Rob talked to his mom a little bit ago, and she is safe inside her apartment. My momma is home from work and said everything is shut down for tomorrow so unless Baby M decides to make an appearance, they'll all be safe inside and staying put.

We're about to eat dinner- fried chicken, Rob's DIVINE mashed potatoes, salad, and peas. Then I'm hitting the streets before I start trying to put together this research paper. I need to pay the bills and get my February menu together since it is February.

Wonder what the groundhog will see tomorrow. :)

Things that made me smile today

• I introduced fractions to my class today. I have never taught fractions at this higher level before, so I was/am nervous! :) I brought fruit to class and after we made bubble maps of the word "fraction" (a sort of pre-assessment for me), and after I introduced some vocabulary, the kids & I cut up fruit into fractions. They each got to "order" their fraction fruit using the correct vocabulary. OH MY WORD!!!!! This was a HUGE hit!!!!! You'd have thought I brought gold or Christmas toys, they were so excited about fruit. I have many kids that I know for sure/or have strong suspicions don't always get to eat at home and this just confirmed it for me. I think I'll start bringing a bag of fruit a couple times a month. And several kids kept asking me, "Where did you buy this fruit, Mrs. T.? I'm going to ask my mom/dad to go there and buy this!" Like they'd never seen it before!
• One of my girls just tickled me how much she loved the little fresh mandarin oranges after she'd finally got brave enough to try one. She kept coming up and asking me, "Can I have 3/10 please?" "4/10?" "9/10?" :) She'd have eaten all my oranges if I let her!!!! Then it finally dawned on her, "Mrs. Thomas, are these the ones you wanted me to try last week at lunch?" :)
• Eating at our favorite Mexican restaurant tonight with Rob, Matthew, Barbara, and one of my self-claimed daughters, Rita. I LOVE that young lady, and was so happy when I got home and she was there! So since it was payday, and we had survived to the day (thank you God!), we took everyone out for supper. YUMMO! I couldn't finish my plate (a good sign!!!) so Matthew helped me finish my meal.
• Getting almost all my papers from last week graded- about 1/3 the stack remains, but it will have to keep for another night!

I'm off of here to email, check facebook and get ready for work tomorrow and head to sleep. Hope you are all having a great start to the week. Thinking of my family back home and hoping they stay warm and safe in the blizzard! Wishing I could be snowed in with you.

Love,
Rebekah :)

Baby M

Soon, my sister & brother-in-law will be meeting their baby. I am getting excited to see the photos of my little nephew/niece and to know which it will be.

Pray for my sister if you will as this is her first child, and she has some other health issues that may make things more difficult. Please pray she has an easy delivery without complications and that mom & Baby M will be healthy and fine.

Thanks!!!!

Just because I'm "sensitive"

Yes, I am sensitive, thin-skinned, hard on myself, etc.- too much so at times. I admit that! Yes, I am hormonal; I admit that too. Yes, I am my own worst critic, too hard on myself, don't see the good that others see in me, only take the negative things, yada, yada, yada...

But that doesn't make what I say not true or somehow, slightly less than the whole truth. I can be all those things, and what I say still be exactly what it is.

And for the record, I hate that I am too thin-skinned, hate that I can be sensitive, hate those hormone swings. I TRY like the dickens to let things roll off my back. I try to look for the good and let the less than good things go. I will keep trying. I wish God had made me some other way and not this way because it is a fault of mine I know. But also because people don't take me seriously. And sometimes it is just an excuse for others to be ugly and then blame it on me for being too sensitive.

My :) list for this weekend:

• I continue to put in the walking, and it's starting to become a habit, I think. :) But even better, I am liking it and it's not so much "exercise" as just a time with Rob and stress relief. I find myself wanting to go for a walk- craving it, kind of. :) I HAVE to get some new tennies though soon as my current ones are totally shot!
• I am totally feeling inadequate for this semester's graduate projects, but I am not quitting (though I'd like to drop out and quit my job both). I'll get through the next six months and then, hopefully, be glad I did.
• I found a way to relieve some of my personal stress during a difficult day this week, and it was funny to boot! :)
• I stood up for my class this week. Don't know if it will do any good or if I'll even get a response, but I have made up my mind that no one else will treat my class like that again. They may "be the 'worst' third grade class at our school," and I may "be the 'worst' third grade teacher," but my students don't deserve to be told that, and for that matter, neither do I. Enough is enough!
• I am working on forgiving myself when I mess up, when I am less than I ought to be. Not an easy thing for me to do, but I'm working on it!
• I am also working on forgiving others and at the same time, though, not letting myself be a doormat. So I have kind of removed myself and gotten a little aloof. Trying to not be ugly, just not be available as much for the drama, comments, or other negatives. If I'm not around, then I can't be so "sensitive," and can't get my feelings hurt. :) Hope I can find the right balance between these two.

My hubby, the practical joker

As I type, my hubby is playing a practical joke on our oldest. He has been secretly pouring salt in Robert's coffee right in plain sight, but Robert hasn't noticed yet. He just went in the kitchen, and Rob starting just emptying a salt shaker into his coffee. I am about to die laughing and trying to not give it away. :) hahahahahahahaha- He finally drank some coffee. Hilarious!!!!!!!

I love this family! I wonder if he'll start pranking me when the kids are gone. I'm going to work on that- I'll have to start joining him or think of ways we can prank our kids together still. ;)

We had the grade level " planning/data day" today- oh how interesting that was. Yeah. 'Nuf said.

I came home and made chicken/bean tacos- YUMMY- and ate some more delicious pico de gallo- I could eat that stuff every day I think! Good stuff! And now, we play pranks on each other and laugh, so I am content. :)

My :) list for today:

• I make myself laugh and sometimes, others too. I like that. Mandy and I sat together today and that was helpful, and we made each other laugh at times- we needed that today!!!
• I spoke up a couple times today- it didn't get me far, but I tried.
• I had my own private rebellion- on the inside- and it felt good. I didn't do anything ugly or not Christ-like; I didn't harm anyone else, but it sure helped me get through the day! :) If I told you here, well you'd see that "real me" I keep trying to tell people about. So I won't tell you (I'll be a hypocrite), and I will just let you think I'm nice. :) hahahahahahhahahaha- insert wicked laugh here

See you later! I'm off to try to walk, work on some grad school, and hopefully go to bed & sleep tonight! :) Thank God tomorrow is Friday!!!!

busy, busy, busy

Tomorrow is an all-day meeting for the third grade team; not sounding like it will be a great day, but I'm going to try to get through it as best I can.

After school today I:

• dealt with a continuing tech issue that has been a major problem all year- a Palm Pilot I'm supposed to have to do assessments, but have had a broken one. I finally got one today and had to have a little help to get it connected to the software, but it's FINALLY up & running, and on Friday I can start trying to catch up to my teammates and get these tests done!
• picked up Barbara at the Y where she has her swimming course (next to the community college) & headed off to Wally-world.
• ate Matthew's yummy stir-fry/rice dinner! THANK YOU Matthew for cooking dinner for us! :)
• made a big bowl of pasta salad to take to our meeting tomorrow & then my boys helped me make a big bowl of pico de gallo as someone asked me to make that too. I LOVE cooking with my boys!!!!
• went for a walk with my hubby! :) It's a cool, rainy evening and I'm tired, but we made it. :) I LOVE my husband!!!! He is my best friend, and the one who really "gets it" with me. I'm so thankful for you, Rob, not that you'll ever see this. :)

Now I've got paperwork to do for school, and then I'm going to try to put off the rest of my to-do list for another day and head to bed. Grad school will hopefully keep for another night. Yikes!!! I've got to be up early so I can get everything ready for the sub, and get all my food into the meeting place and get my paperwork and self ready for our meeting. I kind of feel like I'm going into the fiery furnace, but that's probably a little melodramatic. :) :) :)

My list for today:

1. I walked just over 2 miles today at work alone!!!! WOW!!!! By the time I hit the sack tonight I'll have over 4 miles on my pedometer!!!! :) :) :)
2. I must be a good mom. I see my kids and their love for me & how concerned they are for me, how they want to come to my defense. It's sweet and really touches me!!! I did something right in raising them because they are really, TRULY wonderful young adults!!!
3. I had a better attitude today and didn't get too angry today. Momma & I were sort of talking through FB last night about this, and that anger isn't bad, but I always feel horribly, HORRIBLY guilty when I get mad. Working on this though.
4. I made one of my boys laugh at lunch today when he saw me humming a song and dancing around with another student. :) I think he was surprised to see his teacher like that. Someone asked him, "What, you didn't know Mrs. Thomas was cool?" He shook his head and grinned. :)

Paperwork is calling me. Pray for our team tomorrow. It promises to be quite an "interesting" day.

Rebekah :)

My :) List

It's been a hard day, and I really don't want to say much, but I was thinking about my little blog this morning and remembered that I'm supposed to be putting down some positives about me when I write. I haven't done that the last couple posts. So before my accountability friends catch me :), I am putting down what I can think of for today. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

• I continue to walk and take care of me. I even got myself a pedometer. I walk waaaay more at school than I realized! I realize for those of you who are very active, this will not be much, but I just didn't realize how much walking around I did at school! I put in a mile today at work and that was on a testing/guarded time day with no playground time, no specials and such! My kids were so curious about what I was wearing, and then SERIOUSLY cheering for me all day as they checked my steps! Thinking I might have to work this into my math lessons.
• I am doing this even though I am absolutely in the pit- that is growth!!!
• I am seeing a change in my body for the better! :) That's all I'm saying for now. :)
• I am not an award-winning, stellar, out-of-this-world teacher, but I care for my kids, and they KNOW it!

Okay, I did it! I'm sick with a cold bug/sinus infection/something, but there's a warm bowl of white chili (my favorite soup) waiting for me, grad school assignments to finish before midnight, papers to grade, writing samples to score, report cards to finalize, and reading test results to analyze.

I know it will sound silly, but please pray for our dog, Samson. He just started throwing up- not something he's ever done before. I hope it's nothing wrong and just something passing.

Psalm 23- a new version

I wanted to rewrite the 23rd Psalm in some cute way. Yeah, I'm not that creative. This is all I got:

He guides me along a path of decent-ness and reason

For the sake of intelligence.

Even though I walk through the valley of stupidity,

I will fear no suit, for He is with me.

But I did find this:

The Lord is my real superintendent and I shall not want. He gives me peace when class chaos is all around me. He gently reminds me to pray before I teach and to do all things without murmuring, whining, and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my source of strength and not my school. He restores my sanity everyday and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do.

Even though sometimes I face absurd amounts of un-graded papers, unrealistic expectations, budget cuts, apathetic parents, non-supportive colleagues, and inconsiderate principals, I will not stop -- for He is with me! His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.

He raises me up, even when my school fails to recognize me and my students refuse to listen. He claims me as His own, even when I’m stressed out.

His faithfulness and love are better than any promised pay raise. His retirement plan beats any 401K there is! When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him in His Heavenly classroom a whole lot longer, and for that, I bless His Name.

-- Modified by Prof. Joe Martin

No Words

Where's the Kool-aid?

Warning- You might want to turn away now. This is just the opinion of one tired, completely disgusted teacher. My disclaimer for you before you read is that in case you didn't know it, you're reading the blog of an awful teacher, a failing teacher, one who doesn't care about her students or want them to be successful in life. (Yes, that is what I have been told. I am NOT exaggerating.) Consider yourself warned. :)

I had to listen to more discussion today about how we teachers stink, how we are failing our children, and all that drill..... NEVER mind that all but three of my kids' scores went up on their second math benchmark, many of them significantly!!!! (And, to those critics out there, YES, I care very, very much about those three who didn't improve and will continue to do everything in my power to help those students.) Never mind that my class average jumped 10% from last quarter. I know it's still bad, and we still have a long way to go. I knew that before I passed out the stupid tests!!!! I know it better than anybody else because I walk that road every single day with the kids- not them!!!!

All I wanted was a half an hour to plan the big picture for next week with a colleague without having to hear how awful I am. Half an hour. Thirty minutes. I couldn't even get that. I mean, seriously, we can't even applaud ourselves for one minute for the growth our students made before we get back to the hard work of helping all our children grow and learn and become the people they were meant to be. I wasn't even applauding myself because I knew someone would have something to say, and sure enough... good thing I didn't hold my breath.

I think all the mean-ions (I can't insult the cute little minions from the movie by using the same name for these people, so I'll change it up a bit) and those who profess themselves to be "in the know" about education today have all been to the same "kool-aid meetings." It's like they've all swallowed the same poison. Yes, our students need help. Yes, they are behind, and our education system is failing. Yes, many teachers are not up to the quality that is needed, and in some cases teachers are to blame. But folks, there are so many other issues at play here. And for every awful teacher, there are so many more hardworking, devoted, loving teachers who are working themselves to death to meet their students' needs, find ways to fix the problems, help kids catch up, AND do all the stupid stuff that the mean-ions tells us to do- clean your whiteboard, put this up on your bulletin board, don't cover more than x % of your wall space, don't use tape on your walls or doors, show student work but don't put it here or here or here, post an EQ, state goal # and objective #, and a series of "I can" statements for everything you will teach in the day in advance, BUT make sure your whiteboard is clean and "streamlined," attend six million meetings and "opportunities for professional development" which are not really opportunities but one more "meanion" who has all the answers but really doesn't- just another person getting paid big $ to act like they know it all.

I am NOT making excuses. If we are going to fix the system, we have to address all the issues; otherwise we will never change a thing and the system will continue to fail the children we are supposed to be serving!

I keep trying to think of a good comparison. Cancer rates seem to have gone up in the last 100 years. We don't look at dr.'s and blame them for the increased rates of cancer. We don't say that dr.'s don't do enough and that they are failing the patients because they got cancer in the first place. We look for the causes of cancer, and we encourage people to avoid things that cause it such as smoking, high-fat diets, unhealthy lifestyles, etc. I am obese and have been for a long time. If I get a heart attack and become very ill, I would be absolutely stupid to blame our nation's medical system. I can't say, "Oh, the dr.'s should have written a PMP (personalized medical plan) or they should have implemented this special program or tried this approach." It will be my own stupid fault. And anybody who knows me would probably tell me that I was wrong to blame anybody but myself. It's rough. I have all these excuses and reasons, but in the end, it will be my fault if I die or get sick from obesity. And hate it I will, but I hope that I don't go seeking a scapegoat for my own failures.

The cold, sad truth is kids don't get to choose their lives. They can't pick what kind of home they'll grow up in, the neighborhood they'll live in, the types of parents or how much support they'll get at home. They don't have much power to choose good role models from early on or the ability to make their parents help them with homework, read to them or do all the things that "should" happen to help them be successful. And families don't always get all the breaks. Failed relationships and divorce happen, people die, moms and dads abandon their kids, layoffs and unemployment exist. Crime and poverty. Abuse and neglect. Hunger. Drugs. Alcohol. Welcome to the lives of many of our kids. Welcome to the lives of some of my students.

Now come back in my room, and look at how much behavior is improving. How much students are learning to control their anger, express their emotions in more appropriate ways, talk out their feelings, accept their failings and move on. Look at how much my kids are learning to get along with one other, even kids they don't really like as much. Look at the decrease in cussing, fighting, throwing of objects, hitting the teacher, screaming, and crying and at the increase in smiling, happy children and amount of work completed. Look at how grades are slowly improving and the growth in my kids' benchmarks. Look at how much harder they worked and longer they took this time to complete their tests over 1st quarter. None of that shows up on your little data sheet I notice, but THAT is the stuff that will make my kids successful in life. Data THAT!

Thank you letter

Dear ________________ (fill in the blank, you know who you are),

I just want to take this moment to say thank you. Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart. See, you meant it for bad. You have said hurtful things. You have been unfair. You have judged wrongly. You have misrepresented me to others, not stood up for me, not come to my defense or shared the good things you "say" you think about me. You have let others trample on my good reputation. You have judged me without any evidence. You have spoken ill of me and talked about me behind my back. You have placed yourself above me and behaved in a way that says, "You are inferior to me. I am a superior human being." You have believed you knew me, but you really do not because you don't really want to know me. You just want to have the scoop so you can feed the gossip mill.

And I have let you. I have gotten hurt, prayed, cried, prayed, cussed, prayed, talked and talked and talked, and prayed some more. And now I am just angry. Really, really angry.

And for that I want to say, "Truly, most sincerely, thank you." What you meant for bad, I am going to turn to good with God's help. I am GOING to prove you wrong! I am not going to let you get the better of me. I am not going to let you beat me down. I don't know how I will do it, but I know God will not fail me.

And when this school year is over, I am going to be a wiser and better person. I am going to turn that anger into fuel. I will walk it off, talk it off with my hubby who understands me, and keep on doing just what I have been- my best! I was doing it all along, and it wasn't for you. And in the end, it won't be for you- it's for God and for those 18 kids who watch me all day. I am helping them become the people they were meant to be, and I will be doing that every day in spite of you.

So thank you for giving me more fuel. Thank you for placing adversity in my path. Because when I get through this, boy am I going to have something to share and the example I am setting for my three young people and those kids of mine at school- well, I am determined to set the right example for them.

Sincerely,
Me (you know who I am)

Quick Hello

Just popping on here very quickly. Rob & I have taken our walk- another mile in. :) It's getting easier every time. :) Robert and I have started dinner- sauteed chicken & veggies w/ bow tie pasta topped with light Caesar dressing and a little Parmesan cheese. Delicious!

Thank you for your prayers! I won't have results until tomorrow for the math test. Regardless of what the scantron says, my kids did MUCH better today because they ALL tried, worked hard, took longer, actually read through each item, checked their work. No one finished before the 45 minute mark (last time several were done in 10-15 minutes). They were so sweet, so worried, and very anxious this morning. I kept assuring them that they just needed to do their best and that was all I wanted, that I was proud of them no matter what. Too bad we teachers won't get that same message- we get the opposite. But I'm not going there. I've learned my lesson. Aren't you happy? :) hahahahahahaha

So, SERIOUSLY, thank you for praying! I was VERY VERY proud of my kids- so many good things I saw today as they worked through their anxiety, their frustration, their worries, and those math problems. My students really are growing up!!!! We also got to film a t.v. news spot with Ms. Melissa today (to be aired in early February), and the kids were great and really enjoyed that! We also got to use our Nook for the first time today. Those things are amazing!!! They are going to love using it!

I have a custom card order to do, papers to grade, and grad school assignments to work on tonight. I'm outta here! :)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Here's the lowdown from today:

The Good:

• "My girl" was beyond happy and proud when I shared my good news about her report card. I took her to the principal to share how proud I was of her. :) She told some of her favorite staff members and her former teacher too- "Mrs. Thomas cried when she did my report card because I did so good!" :) Oh, I wish I could share her smile with you- it was amazing! :)
• My class continues to be so much better! I am very proud of them, and oh so thankful. They crack me up because they keep talking about our "old class" and how awful they were, but how much they like their "new class" now! :) Pride in themselves is really motivating them to keep being that "new class." I'll take it! :)
• Our first Nook e-reader came today through Donors Choose! The kids and I are very excited to use it. I let them make me wish-lists of books they'd like to have on it. I purchased a few books tonight for it to get them started, and I'll do more at payday. This technology is really amazing! If you follow my Donors Choose page at all, you'll be able to see photos of the kids reading with it soon. :) I have one more grant for another Nook up- about half way there. I will be trying to get a couple more before years' end so that I can have enough for a small station.
• It was a late start today due to some freezing rain early this morning, but we managed to get most of our lessons in for the day.
• The kids loved giving Mrs. Sudano a baby shower gift today. I loved teaching my kids to give to others and think outside of themselves. I believe strongly in this!

The Bad & The Ugly:

Well, I was going to share the bad & ugly, but Rob says I better not. Big brother is watching. So on that note, "Hello Big Brother or Big Sister, whichever you are." :)

Wishes are wishes; life is life. :)

I'm fighting some "blah's" and wishing I could be "home"- what's new, I know. My momma's been sick, and my sister is soon to have her baby. I am so happy for my sister and Scott and the grandparents! I just wish I could be there, and it is really bothering me. Really. But life isn't always what we wish.

This Wednesday, Thursday, and next Monday will be the big benchmark tests at my school. Rob's students will be taking their EOC's this week also. Please pray. For the kids. For the results. For the teachers. Thanks!

And hey, I took another walk today- in the cold, Crystal, in a t-shirt. :)

crying + report cards= a happy me

I am working on report cards, but I have to hop on here and write this down for myself. I just started report cards, and right "out of the gate" on the very first kid- THERE is my proof!

Love may not solve everything that my kids have to face in their hard lives, but LOVE can help! My "girl," a very special child to me, the reason I came up to third grade! WOW!!!! I knew she had improved a great deal these past few weeks in her behavior, and I was seeing her actually attempt to do some classwork. BUT, WOW, when I pull up her 1st quarter report card to see what I wrote and reread her grades from 1st quarter. OH MY GOODNESS and THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I all did was love her- really. Loved her through some pretty rough days and loved her on the good days. Gave her hugs a zillion times a day no matter what she was acting like, told her I believed in her even when she was being a not-so-nice human being. Celebrated EVERY SINGLE good thing she did, and hugged away the bad things. LOVE!

There is my proof for the critics out there who don't like me from the regional office. Once you can help a child start to deal with their anger, learn to control their behaviors, THEN they can get down to learning, and she has! The grades are markedly better, and the behavior/work grades are HUGELY better! :) :) :) I cannot wait to show her this report card. Last time she was so upset with herself for her report card grades, and that made for a rough day. This time, we are going to happy dance together!!!!!

And, not where she'll ever see it, but on my inside I'm praying this growth shows up on the one & only score that "they" count, so that maybe, just maybe, they'll see what I see too and start to believe in us too. But either way, THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a small revelation

I know this is crazy. I am nervous to write this out here where people I know, people I don't know, people I work with, people who "think" they know me, and complete strangers might see it and judge me. But this is my journal and so I am going to do it anyway.

I think I heard God whispering something to me in church today. It's probably something everyone else knows, but as I am His "slow learner" it takes me a while. Pretty sure it will take me a while to really "get it." But I'm working on it-harder than anyone knows.

I think I figured out, with His help, why I get so upset with myself. I am not sure where this comes from or why I'm like this or when it started- don't know if it matters even. I won't name names, but some of my family and probably many others have gotten so frustrated with me at times and have told me that I am acting like I'm better than everyone else because I set some higher standard for myself. I'm sure that's what it seems like to others, but it's really not it.

I just HATE HATE HATE when I "feel" like I have been a disappointment to God or to others. Mostly that "feeling" is my perception of being a disappointment which is the same in my head (not a sane place I know) as being a failure. If I have let someone down, not been there for them, hurt someone, not performed in a situation, problem, or trial like I "think" a "good Christian" should or as I think God would have wanted me to, then this thing starts in my head. The self-hate, and yes, that really is what it is, starts. My parents, husband, sister, kids, bosses, and friends have all told me to "just turn that record off; break that record; don't listen to it...." And all those things are good advice. But, you need to understand something. I don't see it coming; it usually is there before I realize it- so it's not like I can just stop it before it starts. I see it after it's started, and then I am having to try to turn it off. And THAT is growth for me, folks! The "old" Rebekah couldn't have even done that. I have come a long way in this process. I at least recognize that it is some dumb record playing, that I need to turn it off, and I am fighting to do so. Maybe before I die, I'll figure out how to re-record that record; I don't know. It's pretty hard-wired in my head at 40 years old, but I'm trying. And that's all I can do.

But, and this is a big but for me, something struck me today in worship (honestly, I get more out of worship service than sermons or anything else- I always hear God then very strongly!). When He died on the cross all the sins of all of us were "laid" on Him. I know that, but it just hit me- every sin I ever committed (yeah, I know that), BUT also every sin I will ever commit in the present and future- things I haven't even done wrong yet, but am sure to do- even those were laid on Him. So even though I don't know the many, stupid, sinful, willful things I will do, HE already does and HE already forgave me before I was even a blip on the radar screen of the world. SO, if He already knows what I am going to do, all the sins and mistakes and failures and let-downs I am going to do ahead of time, then they really aren't "disappointments" to Him, are they?

So, I'm looking up the word "disappointment"-

Websters says that disappoint means- to fail to meet the expectation or hope of

When I google the word, I got this, disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.

So, I'm really thinking about this. I'm thinking about my kids. They have "disappointed me" at times- a little kind of disappointment in the sense that I was disappointed that they didn't do their best in school or disappointed that their behavior was not what it ought to have been in a given situation. BUT, it was not the "big" disappointment in that, I was sorry I had them, sorry I knew them, regret kind of disappointment. NOTHING my children have ever done- and God knows they've done some things I would never tell anyone- but NOTHING they do would make me disappointed in them as my children. Yet, I'm not God. I don't know what they will do someday; don't know the mistakes, stupid things, or flat out- sins they will do someday (I pray they are not too many).

God already knew/knows what I will do well, what I will do horribly, what I will accomplish and what I will fail in. He knows what my limits are, what trials I will encounter, what I face. He knows my personality, who I am, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm going. There is NOTHING about me that He does not already know. He knows me better than I know myself- I sure hope so, as I am 40 and still trying to understand who this crazy lady named "Rebekah Rose" is. :) He is a loving Father. I think that's where I get myself into trouble. I want to be a good child; I don't want to hurt Him.

But maybe I'm just going to have to trust that He isn't hurt by my mistakes. He was a human. He understands that we get tired, that we have those stupid hormones, that we misunderstand others, that we experience stress and sorrow and hurt. He understands the human, physical limitations on us. He does not expect me to be perfect because He understands, apparently better than I do, that in this imperfect, human form, I cannot be perfect until I "arrive" up there someday. So, Rebekah Rose, if God can understand all that, still lay down His life knowing all the sins, evil thoughts, words, deeds you would someday do, and still say, "I love you. I forgive you." Then, you are not a disappointment to God, dummy. (Throwing in a little Sanford & Son there just for fun.) :)

So to my family, friends who love me from so far away, and whatever coworker might be reading this, you'll have to put up with me a while longer. I am sorry for my aggravating habits, but I'm working on this, MUCH MUCH harder than you know. I'll get there someday, and until then please allow me the moments I may have and be patient with me. I haven't arrived yet.

Oh lovely :)

Last night I actually SLEPT all night (about 7 hours) and woke up with very little back pain!!!! It was more wonderful than I can say!!!!!!!! I can't honestly remember when I've done that it's been so very long. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

We went to the first church service, and after church, drove the two walking routes I'm trying to use to measure their approximate distance (much further than I had thought!), went to get a soda, and came home to fix lunch. Lunch was yummy- broccoli cheese soup, wraps, and I had fresh blackberries- my favorite! I did a couple things I needed to do for grad school, and I have taken a lovely nap- another thing I don't get to do often thanks to insomnia and a busy life. I have a lot to do, but I have just sat here vegging out a bit and enjoying this fire Rob started- so peaceful to watch. :)

I'm going to work on report cards next and try to get them as close to done as I can today.

This weekend's list-

• I went for a walk with Rob yesterday between my grocery run and the funeral, and Rob, Barbara, Matthew and I walked again today (and now know exactly how far I am walking)- it is getting a little easier this week so yeah! :)
• I did NOTHING Friday night- no lesson plans, no grading papers, no college, nothing!, and I took a nap today- hey, I could get used to this. :) I know this sounds silly or maybe lazy or self-centered to people who don't know me, but if you know me, you'll know this is rare for me.
• I was in a funky mood (stress, truly sick of work, one of my "I hate me" moods, plus the funeral) but I went out anyway with my daughter and a coworker to get some dinner and buy a baby shower gift for another coworker. That was fun. I loved my Greek salad. Thanks Barbara for buying the dinner! :) Thanks to B & my coworker for putting up with me when I was moody & tired and still loving me in spite of it. Not too many coworkers do that for you. :) Not all moms get daughters that will love you as much as mine does! I know that and am thankful!
• I went to church today. God is good and still loves me and spoke to me.
• Matthew and cooked tonight after our walk- the yummy veggie pasta salad. With Greek dressing and a little feta cheese on top. Oh. my. word. Soooo good!

I better quit being a bum now, and get to work. Think I'll take another walk first. :) This could become habit-forming, and I pray it does. :) That's my goal anyway. :)