Ocracoke Island

We Love Our Niece!!!!!!!!!

Rob and I are off on a little weekend adventure. I needed to get away from some things, and so did Rob. It was his birthday Friday, so we just took off.

We are so excited to be an aunt & uncle!!!! We went beach combing to find a shell for our niece, Zoe, from each of us, and I left her a note in the sand!

Skype :)

We got to "see" our niece/cousin tonight!!!! The hospital where my sister is at has internet, so we were able to Skype with Jessica, Scott, and Zoe tonight. It kept cutting out and the quality was rough, but at least we got to talk a bit, joke around and be our usual, silly selves, and most important of all see the precious gift God gave to my sister and brother-in-law (and all of us). :)

She is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Sis & Scott!!!! It's not as good as the real thing, but it is all we have, and I'm so thankful for that!

I'm off to finish packing a change of clothes, get my shower, and put together all the grad school homework I'll need for the weekend.

Tomorrow is my best friend's 44th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROB!!!!!!!!!!! I love you so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

quick post

I was "going to go to bed" ages ago- famous last words! Now it's 11:30 P.M. Me and my sore throat are still sitting here, but at least I'm in my pj's. :)

We had a dinner date with one of my third graders tonight; he had to earn this and worked very hard the past few weeks to improve some things. He giggled and smiled the whole time; kind of sweet! :) I hope it made a wonderful memory for him. He picked Cici's pizza and was hilarious watching how much pizza Matthew ate. He & Matthew played some video games afterwards, and Matthew helped him with the claw game. Rob took him to buy some flowers to give his mom as a "thank you" for letting him go, and was whispering to him gentlemanly clues, so my little friend opened doors for me all evening. :) He told me he's going to tell the class all kinds of things about me and my family tomorrow. He was telling his momma about my family and about my car named, Rosie; said his sister asked, "What kind of people name their car?" He told her, "My crazy teacher!" :) :) :)

I have stared at the hospital photos of my niece most of the evening since we got home, haven't done a single thing I needed to do, and now I'm headed to bed.

Rob & I are going on an adventure this weekend. I'll have to take a ton of school and grad work with me, but it'll still be fun and away from my employer and this county- so tired of "them." I'll miss the kids. We've NEVER left them alone; never left them with anyone but parents/my sister. I feel really weird about that, but I guess since they're 18, 19 & 20 (about to turn 20 & 21), this is probably totally silly of me. :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Rebekah :)

Welcome to the World Zoe!!!!!!!!

Meet my niece, Zoe Nicole Rose, born today at 8:01 A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!

My dear little niece,

Welcome little Zoe!!! You are so very loved, and you don't even know it yet! I haven't met you in person yet, but this first photo looks JUST like your Momma. I hear you've been quite active in Momma's tummy like I was in Grandma's. Way to go, kiddo! :) Now, though, you have to rest, eat plenty, and let your momma heal up from today's big action. You keep growing and learning and then we'll give your momma some fun together. :)

We are going to have so much fun when we get to be together; I'll tell you lots of stories, read to you, teach you fun things, help you play pranks on your momma, do art projects, make cookies, go to church, and whatever things you like to do. I wish that I lived closer to you, and it bugs me a lot that I won't be there to see most things in your life, but I'll write you letters, send you homemade cards, mail you packages of books and cool things, birthday presents and gifts at Christmas. When I go to the mountains, I'll find neat things and send you photos of all the pretty things I find. If I venture to the ocean, I will hunt for the prettiest seashell I can find and send it to you.

And maybe you can send me pretty pictures and drawings you make, and write me when you're old enough. We can be pen pals. :) We'll skype each other and text (yeah, I'm going to be one cool aunt!), and as you learn more tech things that they'll invent in your life, you can teach them to me too!

Zoe, you have to learn all about Jesus. Momma & Daddy will teach you all about Him and how much He loves you. I know you will love Him too.

Zoe, there will be hard times in life. I wish there weren't, but that'd be a lie. But NO MATTER WHAT, never forget that you are loved. LOVED, LOVED, LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!! We all waited for you; you were an answer to prayer. Your momma & daddy are going to be AWESOME parents. You are very blessed to have them. Some days they will make you mad. You will feel like they are so unfair and mean and awful, but I promise you they are not. Listen to them and try to be as obedient, respectful, and thoughtful as you can be.

Zoe, you are one beautiful little girl! I cannot wait to see you grow up.

With all my love,

Aunt Rebekah :)

Daddy, do you know?

Do you know up there in heaven, that you're a grandpa again? Does God let you see anything of our lives without you? Does He show you the important things to us? Do you ever think of us girls or Momma?

Do you know that Jessica is a great mommy already, and she's just started on this journey? Do you know that your grandkids are amazing people- all four of them?

I don't understand the workings of heaven so I have no clue if you get to see us or even remember us or think of us up there. And I'm pretty sure that God doesn't show you stupid blogs of silly people like me, but I wanted to tell you that you are still loved and thought of all these years later. Your girls still wish you were a part of their lives and now their children's lives.

Rebekah

Early Morning Ramblings of an Overtired Crazy Lady :)

I am having the ever lovely insomnia problem again lately. So this morning, I decided to just get up, quit lying there awake, and come say hello since I haven't been on in a few days. I had a big research paper due in my class this past weekend, so I was working like crazy on that plus I continue to try to keep afloat with school work, and I am still walking almost every night.

I hit a wall or something last night. Robert was teasing me at supper; he said I looked like I could hardly lift the food to my mouth, and that was about the truth. I didn't do a thing for college or work or anything else last night and got in bed at 9:15. I don't feel too hot, not sure if it's just the lack of sleep or a bug. Today's going to be hard.

I am eagerly awaiting news from home about Baby M. Hopefully soon he/she will be making their big debut into the world. I am so happy for Jessica & Scott and for my parents who will be wonderful grandparents to him/her! I look forward to seeing some photos of little man/woman. I wish I could be there. My sister and Momma say how I'll be important in this kid's life, and I know I will to some extent. But honestly, I will mostly be a stranger, and that hurts. Yeah, I'll be the aunt that they get to come spend the summers with someday maybe, and of course I'll do neat things with him/her. But I won't get to see him/her on a regular basis, go to the ballgames, concerts, recitals, school programs. I won't really be part of that life, and it makes me sad. I will not dwell on it, and I don't want to have a pity party. It is a time to celebrate!

So for now, I think I'll try to catch a few minutes of snooze or relaxation hopefully before the alarm tells me it's time to start the day officially. Another full day of laughing with my kids, learning about fractions and figurative language and then another lovely afternoon of meetings.

My :) List for the past few days:

• I persevered through that horrible paper! Now on to another pile of homework assignments, readings, postings, and the next big project due in two weeks, and hopefully soon I can start the capstone portfolio and studying for my capstone exam.
• Continuing to walk, stretching it out a little further again- baby steps. I'm working on being healthier, and in April I will be walking in a 5K for one of my special friends, Matthew. I've never done that so it will be exciting, and I want to do a good job for him too!
• My sister is going to have a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am an Aunt Rebekah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This makes me very, very, very happy!
• Having a colleague in your corner, a compatriot, or maybe we're just fellow partners in crime- hehehehe- whatever way you look at it, I'm so thankful God put someone else new in my corner this year. It helps to not be the only "newbie," especially when the others think we stink.
• I may be getting to spend some time with my best friend, just the two of us, for his birthday. That will be so nice!!!!

Matthew Made Me So Happy

Matthew made my day today! He was disappointed when Rob said he'd get groceries so I could keep working on my research paper. He stood there and said, "Awww, I wanted to spend time with Mom." :) :) :) :) :)

So, I procrastinated a little more on the paper and went grocery shopping with my "baby" and my "baby girl." I don't know how much longer I'll have Matthew around, so I am grabbing EVERY opportunity to be with him.

But most of all, this just made me so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matthew Lane Thomas, your momma loves you so very much!

"real" weather!

Just thought I'd share this link for anyone that wants to see why I am always talking about the not-real winter weather here in North Carolina. This is real winter weather! Stay warm my family, I'm thinking of you & praying for you!!!!

:)s for today

Keeping it short. I'm "supposed" to be working on a research paper for grad school, but I must confess that I am struggling with this course!!!! I'm not sleeping well, so I think, honestly, I may just try to go to bed at a decent hour and hope & PRAY for sleep tonight!

My happy list for today:

• My pants are getting really lose on me in several places- I love this feeling!!! :) :) :)
• I didn't get the materials needed to complete mandatory assessments until last Thursday and couldn't start until Friday, but I am working like crazy to get them done by the deadline. I am done with one assessment- WOOHOO!!! and close to the halfway point on another. Hopefully I'll get done by next Friday so I can get back to teaching which is what I want to do desperately!!!!
• Another walk with my hubby- and the past two nights, I have to say were harder because I was just plain wiped out, but I did it anyway. Don't know why or what it is, but Rebekah is definitely changing for the better.
• I saw an "old" coworker and dear friend today. Kristen came by the school and brought Elizabeth with her. It MADE MY DAY to see them both. Oh, how I miss working with her. She was a dear!!!! And Elizabeth, what a smile that kid has!!! My class was oohing & aaahing over her. :)
• I did something tonight that I've NEVER done before, and though Jesus probably wouldn't have done it, I don't think I did anything wrong or sinful (I hope not!). I stood up to something rude and it felt so nice!!! My two oldest were with me, and though I think they were a little embarrassed (Sorry you two!!!!!), they both commented to me afterwards that they noticed the rudeness and were proud of me for speaking up. They both said how stunned they were and shocked that "their mom was doing that." :)

hodgpodge

Heard today in my room:

C: Mrs. Thomas, are you perfect?

Me: No I am not! No one is perfect except for God of course.

J: Mrs. Thomas, you are too perfect!

Me: Really, J, I promise you that no human being is perfect. We all make mistakes and do things we shouldn't.

J: Mrs. Thomas, don't say that. You are perfect for me! :)

Awww, J doesn't know how much this touched me. He is quite a challenging friend many days, but together we are working hard, and he is growing up. I am NOT perfect, but I can live with "perfect for him." :)

On the family back home front- My mother-in-law lives in St. Louis which was forecast (according to the Weather Channel) to get an inch of ice! And my parents & sister & brother-in-law are supposed to get 18" of snow. This sure has been a big storm winter so far, and this one will definitely go in the record books. Rob talked to his mom a little bit ago, and she is safe inside her apartment. My momma is home from work and said everything is shut down for tomorrow so unless Baby M decides to make an appearance, they'll all be safe inside and staying put.

We're about to eat dinner- fried chicken, Rob's DIVINE mashed potatoes, salad, and peas. Then I'm hitting the streets before I start trying to put together this research paper. I need to pay the bills and get my February menu together since it is February.

Wonder what the groundhog will see tomorrow. :)

Things that made me smile today

• I introduced fractions to my class today. I have never taught fractions at this higher level before, so I was/am nervous! :) I brought fruit to class and after we made bubble maps of the word "fraction" (a sort of pre-assessment for me), and after I introduced some vocabulary, the kids & I cut up fruit into fractions. They each got to "order" their fraction fruit using the correct vocabulary. OH MY WORD!!!!! This was a HUGE hit!!!!! You'd have thought I brought gold or Christmas toys, they were so excited about fruit. I have many kids that I know for sure/or have strong suspicions don't always get to eat at home and this just confirmed it for me. I think I'll start bringing a bag of fruit a couple times a month. And several kids kept asking me, "Where did you buy this fruit, Mrs. T.? I'm going to ask my mom/dad to go there and buy this!" Like they'd never seen it before!
• One of my girls just tickled me how much she loved the little fresh mandarin oranges after she'd finally got brave enough to try one. She kept coming up and asking me, "Can I have 3/10 please?" "4/10?" "9/10?" :) She'd have eaten all my oranges if I let her!!!! Then it finally dawned on her, "Mrs. Thomas, are these the ones you wanted me to try last week at lunch?" :)
• Eating at our favorite Mexican restaurant tonight with Rob, Matthew, Barbara, and one of my self-claimed daughters, Rita. I LOVE that young lady, and was so happy when I got home and she was there! So since it was payday, and we had survived to the day (thank you God!), we took everyone out for supper. YUMMO! I couldn't finish my plate (a good sign!!!) so Matthew helped me finish my meal.
• Getting almost all my papers from last week graded- about 1/3 the stack remains, but it will have to keep for another night!

I'm off of here to email, check facebook and get ready for work tomorrow and head to sleep. Hope you are all having a great start to the week. Thinking of my family back home and hoping they stay warm and safe in the blizzard! Wishing I could be snowed in with you.

Love,
Rebekah :)

Baby M

Soon, my sister & brother-in-law will be meeting their baby. I am getting excited to see the photos of my little nephew/niece and to know which it will be.

Pray for my sister if you will as this is her first child, and she has some other health issues that may make things more difficult. Please pray she has an easy delivery without complications and that mom & Baby M will be healthy and fine.

Thanks!!!!

Just because I'm "sensitive"

Yes, I am sensitive, thin-skinned, hard on myself, etc.- too much so at times. I admit that! Yes, I am hormonal; I admit that too. Yes, I am my own worst critic, too hard on myself, don't see the good that others see in me, only take the negative things, yada, yada, yada...

But that doesn't make what I say not true or somehow, slightly less than the whole truth. I can be all those things, and what I say still be exactly what it is.

And for the record, I hate that I am too thin-skinned, hate that I can be sensitive, hate those hormone swings. I TRY like the dickens to let things roll off my back. I try to look for the good and let the less than good things go. I will keep trying. I wish God had made me some other way and not this way because it is a fault of mine I know. But also because people don't take me seriously. And sometimes it is just an excuse for others to be ugly and then blame it on me for being too sensitive.

My :) list for this weekend:

• I continue to put in the walking, and it's starting to become a habit, I think. :) But even better, I am liking it and it's not so much "exercise" as just a time with Rob and stress relief. I find myself wanting to go for a walk- craving it, kind of. :) I HAVE to get some new tennies though soon as my current ones are totally shot!
• I am totally feeling inadequate for this semester's graduate projects, but I am not quitting (though I'd like to drop out and quit my job both). I'll get through the next six months and then, hopefully, be glad I did.
• I found a way to relieve some of my personal stress during a difficult day this week, and it was funny to boot! :)
• I stood up for my class this week. Don't know if it will do any good or if I'll even get a response, but I have made up my mind that no one else will treat my class like that again. They may "be the 'worst' third grade class at our school," and I may "be the 'worst' third grade teacher," but my students don't deserve to be told that, and for that matter, neither do I. Enough is enough!
• I am working on forgiving myself when I mess up, when I am less than I ought to be. Not an easy thing for me to do, but I'm working on it!
• I am also working on forgiving others and at the same time, though, not letting myself be a doormat. So I have kind of removed myself and gotten a little aloof. Trying to not be ugly, just not be available as much for the drama, comments, or other negatives. If I'm not around, then I can't be so "sensitive," and can't get my feelings hurt. :) Hope I can find the right balance between these two.

My hubby, the practical joker

As I type, my hubby is playing a practical joke on our oldest. He has been secretly pouring salt in Robert's coffee right in plain sight, but Robert hasn't noticed yet. He just went in the kitchen, and Rob starting just emptying a salt shaker into his coffee. I am about to die laughing and trying to not give it away. :) hahahahahahahaha- He finally drank some coffee. Hilarious!!!!!!!

I love this family! I wonder if he'll start pranking me when the kids are gone. I'm going to work on that- I'll have to start joining him or think of ways we can prank our kids together still. ;)

We had the grade level " planning/data day" today- oh how interesting that was. Yeah. 'Nuf said.

I came home and made chicken/bean tacos- YUMMY- and ate some more delicious pico de gallo- I could eat that stuff every day I think! Good stuff! And now, we play pranks on each other and laugh, so I am content. :)

My :) list for today:

• I make myself laugh and sometimes, others too. I like that. Mandy and I sat together today and that was helpful, and we made each other laugh at times- we needed that today!!!
• I spoke up a couple times today- it didn't get me far, but I tried.
• I had my own private rebellion- on the inside- and it felt good. I didn't do anything ugly or not Christ-like; I didn't harm anyone else, but it sure helped me get through the day! :) If I told you here, well you'd see that "real me" I keep trying to tell people about. So I won't tell you (I'll be a hypocrite), and I will just let you think I'm nice. :) hahahahahahhahahaha- insert wicked laugh here

See you later! I'm off to try to walk, work on some grad school, and hopefully go to bed & sleep tonight! :) Thank God tomorrow is Friday!!!!

busy, busy, busy

Tomorrow is an all-day meeting for the third grade team; not sounding like it will be a great day, but I'm going to try to get through it as best I can.

After school today I:

• dealt with a continuing tech issue that has been a major problem all year- a Palm Pilot I'm supposed to have to do assessments, but have had a broken one. I finally got one today and had to have a little help to get it connected to the software, but it's FINALLY up & running, and on Friday I can start trying to catch up to my teammates and get these tests done!
• picked up Barbara at the Y where she has her swimming course (next to the community college) & headed off to Wally-world.
• ate Matthew's yummy stir-fry/rice dinner! THANK YOU Matthew for cooking dinner for us! :)
• made a big bowl of pasta salad to take to our meeting tomorrow & then my boys helped me make a big bowl of pico de gallo as someone asked me to make that too. I LOVE cooking with my boys!!!!
• went for a walk with my hubby! :) It's a cool, rainy evening and I'm tired, but we made it. :) I LOVE my husband!!!! He is my best friend, and the one who really "gets it" with me. I'm so thankful for you, Rob, not that you'll ever see this. :)

Now I've got paperwork to do for school, and then I'm going to try to put off the rest of my to-do list for another day and head to bed. Grad school will hopefully keep for another night. Yikes!!! I've got to be up early so I can get everything ready for the sub, and get all my food into the meeting place and get my paperwork and self ready for our meeting. I kind of feel like I'm going into the fiery furnace, but that's probably a little melodramatic. :) :) :)

My list for today:

1. I walked just over 2 miles today at work alone!!!! WOW!!!! By the time I hit the sack tonight I'll have over 4 miles on my pedometer!!!! :) :) :)
2. I must be a good mom. I see my kids and their love for me & how concerned they are for me, how they want to come to my defense. It's sweet and really touches me!!! I did something right in raising them because they are really, TRULY wonderful young adults!!!
3. I had a better attitude today and didn't get too angry today. Momma & I were sort of talking through FB last night about this, and that anger isn't bad, but I always feel horribly, HORRIBLY guilty when I get mad. Working on this though.
4. I made one of my boys laugh at lunch today when he saw me humming a song and dancing around with another student. :) I think he was surprised to see his teacher like that. Someone asked him, "What, you didn't know Mrs. Thomas was cool?" He shook his head and grinned. :)

Paperwork is calling me. Pray for our team tomorrow. It promises to be quite an "interesting" day.

Rebekah :)

My :) List

It's been a hard day, and I really don't want to say much, but I was thinking about my little blog this morning and remembered that I'm supposed to be putting down some positives about me when I write. I haven't done that the last couple posts. So before my accountability friends catch me :), I am putting down what I can think of for today. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

• I continue to walk and take care of me. I even got myself a pedometer. I walk waaaay more at school than I realized! I realize for those of you who are very active, this will not be much, but I just didn't realize how much walking around I did at school! I put in a mile today at work and that was on a testing/guarded time day with no playground time, no specials and such! My kids were so curious about what I was wearing, and then SERIOUSLY cheering for me all day as they checked my steps! Thinking I might have to work this into my math lessons.
• I am doing this even though I am absolutely in the pit- that is growth!!!
• I am seeing a change in my body for the better! :) That's all I'm saying for now. :)
• I am not an award-winning, stellar, out-of-this-world teacher, but I care for my kids, and they KNOW it!

Okay, I did it! I'm sick with a cold bug/sinus infection/something, but there's a warm bowl of white chili (my favorite soup) waiting for me, grad school assignments to finish before midnight, papers to grade, writing samples to score, report cards to finalize, and reading test results to analyze.

I know it will sound silly, but please pray for our dog, Samson. He just started throwing up- not something he's ever done before. I hope it's nothing wrong and just something passing.

Psalm 23- a new version

I wanted to rewrite the 23rd Psalm in some cute way. Yeah, I'm not that creative. This is all I got:

He guides me along a path of decent-ness and reason

For the sake of intelligence.

Even though I walk through the valley of stupidity,

I will fear no suit, for He is with me.

But I did find this:

The Lord is my real superintendent and I shall not want. He gives me peace when class chaos is all around me. He gently reminds me to pray before I teach and to do all things without murmuring, whining, and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my source of strength and not my school. He restores my sanity everyday and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do.

Even though sometimes I face absurd amounts of un-graded papers, unrealistic expectations, budget cuts, apathetic parents, non-supportive colleagues, and inconsiderate principals, I will not stop -- for He is with me! His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.

He raises me up, even when my school fails to recognize me and my students refuse to listen. He claims me as His own, even when I’m stressed out.

His faithfulness and love are better than any promised pay raise. His retirement plan beats any 401K there is! When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him in His Heavenly classroom a whole lot longer, and for that, I bless His Name.

-- Modified by Prof. Joe Martin

No Words

Where's the Kool-aid?

Warning- You might want to turn away now. This is just the opinion of one tired, completely disgusted teacher. My disclaimer for you before you read is that in case you didn't know it, you're reading the blog of an awful teacher, a failing teacher, one who doesn't care about her students or want them to be successful in life. (Yes, that is what I have been told. I am NOT exaggerating.) Consider yourself warned. :)

I had to listen to more discussion today about how we teachers stink, how we are failing our children, and all that drill..... NEVER mind that all but three of my kids' scores went up on their second math benchmark, many of them significantly!!!! (And, to those critics out there, YES, I care very, very much about those three who didn't improve and will continue to do everything in my power to help those students.) Never mind that my class average jumped 10% from last quarter. I know it's still bad, and we still have a long way to go. I knew that before I passed out the stupid tests!!!! I know it better than anybody else because I walk that road every single day with the kids- not them!!!!

All I wanted was a half an hour to plan the big picture for next week with a colleague without having to hear how awful I am. Half an hour. Thirty minutes. I couldn't even get that. I mean, seriously, we can't even applaud ourselves for one minute for the growth our students made before we get back to the hard work of helping all our children grow and learn and become the people they were meant to be. I wasn't even applauding myself because I knew someone would have something to say, and sure enough... good thing I didn't hold my breath.

I think all the mean-ions (I can't insult the cute little minions from the movie by using the same name for these people, so I'll change it up a bit) and those who profess themselves to be "in the know" about education today have all been to the same "kool-aid meetings." It's like they've all swallowed the same poison. Yes, our students need help. Yes, they are behind, and our education system is failing. Yes, many teachers are not up to the quality that is needed, and in some cases teachers are to blame. But folks, there are so many other issues at play here. And for every awful teacher, there are so many more hardworking, devoted, loving teachers who are working themselves to death to meet their students' needs, find ways to fix the problems, help kids catch up, AND do all the stupid stuff that the mean-ions tells us to do- clean your whiteboard, put this up on your bulletin board, don't cover more than x % of your wall space, don't use tape on your walls or doors, show student work but don't put it here or here or here, post an EQ, state goal # and objective #, and a series of "I can" statements for everything you will teach in the day in advance, BUT make sure your whiteboard is clean and "streamlined," attend six million meetings and "opportunities for professional development" which are not really opportunities but one more "meanion" who has all the answers but really doesn't- just another person getting paid big $ to act like they know it all.

I am NOT making excuses. If we are going to fix the system, we have to address all the issues; otherwise we will never change a thing and the system will continue to fail the children we are supposed to be serving!

I keep trying to think of a good comparison. Cancer rates seem to have gone up in the last 100 years. We don't look at dr.'s and blame them for the increased rates of cancer. We don't say that dr.'s don't do enough and that they are failing the patients because they got cancer in the first place. We look for the causes of cancer, and we encourage people to avoid things that cause it such as smoking, high-fat diets, unhealthy lifestyles, etc. I am obese and have been for a long time. If I get a heart attack and become very ill, I would be absolutely stupid to blame our nation's medical system. I can't say, "Oh, the dr.'s should have written a PMP (personalized medical plan) or they should have implemented this special program or tried this approach." It will be my own stupid fault. And anybody who knows me would probably tell me that I was wrong to blame anybody but myself. It's rough. I have all these excuses and reasons, but in the end, it will be my fault if I die or get sick from obesity. And hate it I will, but I hope that I don't go seeking a scapegoat for my own failures.

The cold, sad truth is kids don't get to choose their lives. They can't pick what kind of home they'll grow up in, the neighborhood they'll live in, the types of parents or how much support they'll get at home. They don't have much power to choose good role models from early on or the ability to make their parents help them with homework, read to them or do all the things that "should" happen to help them be successful. And families don't always get all the breaks. Failed relationships and divorce happen, people die, moms and dads abandon their kids, layoffs and unemployment exist. Crime and poverty. Abuse and neglect. Hunger. Drugs. Alcohol. Welcome to the lives of many of our kids. Welcome to the lives of some of my students.

Now come back in my room, and look at how much behavior is improving. How much students are learning to control their anger, express their emotions in more appropriate ways, talk out their feelings, accept their failings and move on. Look at how much my kids are learning to get along with one other, even kids they don't really like as much. Look at the decrease in cussing, fighting, throwing of objects, hitting the teacher, screaming, and crying and at the increase in smiling, happy children and amount of work completed. Look at how grades are slowly improving and the growth in my kids' benchmarks. Look at how much harder they worked and longer they took this time to complete their tests over 1st quarter. None of that shows up on your little data sheet I notice, but THAT is the stuff that will make my kids successful in life. Data THAT!

Thank you letter

Dear ________________ (fill in the blank, you know who you are),

I just want to take this moment to say thank you. Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart. See, you meant it for bad. You have said hurtful things. You have been unfair. You have judged wrongly. You have misrepresented me to others, not stood up for me, not come to my defense or shared the good things you "say" you think about me. You have let others trample on my good reputation. You have judged me without any evidence. You have spoken ill of me and talked about me behind my back. You have placed yourself above me and behaved in a way that says, "You are inferior to me. I am a superior human being." You have believed you knew me, but you really do not because you don't really want to know me. You just want to have the scoop so you can feed the gossip mill.

And I have let you. I have gotten hurt, prayed, cried, prayed, cussed, prayed, talked and talked and talked, and prayed some more. And now I am just angry. Really, really angry.

And for that I want to say, "Truly, most sincerely, thank you." What you meant for bad, I am going to turn to good with God's help. I am GOING to prove you wrong! I am not going to let you get the better of me. I am not going to let you beat me down. I don't know how I will do it, but I know God will not fail me.

And when this school year is over, I am going to be a wiser and better person. I am going to turn that anger into fuel. I will walk it off, talk it off with my hubby who understands me, and keep on doing just what I have been- my best! I was doing it all along, and it wasn't for you. And in the end, it won't be for you- it's for God and for those 18 kids who watch me all day. I am helping them become the people they were meant to be, and I will be doing that every day in spite of you.

So thank you for giving me more fuel. Thank you for placing adversity in my path. Because when I get through this, boy am I going to have something to share and the example I am setting for my three young people and those kids of mine at school- well, I am determined to set the right example for them.

Sincerely,
Me (you know who I am)

Quick Hello

Just popping on here very quickly. Rob & I have taken our walk- another mile in. :) It's getting easier every time. :) Robert and I have started dinner- sauteed chicken & veggies w/ bow tie pasta topped with light Caesar dressing and a little Parmesan cheese. Delicious!

Thank you for your prayers! I won't have results until tomorrow for the math test. Regardless of what the scantron says, my kids did MUCH better today because they ALL tried, worked hard, took longer, actually read through each item, checked their work. No one finished before the 45 minute mark (last time several were done in 10-15 minutes). They were so sweet, so worried, and very anxious this morning. I kept assuring them that they just needed to do their best and that was all I wanted, that I was proud of them no matter what. Too bad we teachers won't get that same message- we get the opposite. But I'm not going there. I've learned my lesson. Aren't you happy? :) hahahahahahaha

So, SERIOUSLY, thank you for praying! I was VERY VERY proud of my kids- so many good things I saw today as they worked through their anxiety, their frustration, their worries, and those math problems. My students really are growing up!!!! We also got to film a t.v. news spot with Ms. Melissa today (to be aired in early February), and the kids were great and really enjoyed that! We also got to use our Nook for the first time today. Those things are amazing!!! They are going to love using it!

I have a custom card order to do, papers to grade, and grad school assignments to work on tonight. I'm outta here! :)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Here's the lowdown from today:

The Good:

• "My girl" was beyond happy and proud when I shared my good news about her report card. I took her to the principal to share how proud I was of her. :) She told some of her favorite staff members and her former teacher too- "Mrs. Thomas cried when she did my report card because I did so good!" :) Oh, I wish I could share her smile with you- it was amazing! :)
• My class continues to be so much better! I am very proud of them, and oh so thankful. They crack me up because they keep talking about our "old class" and how awful they were, but how much they like their "new class" now! :) Pride in themselves is really motivating them to keep being that "new class." I'll take it! :)
• Our first Nook e-reader came today through Donors Choose! The kids and I are very excited to use it. I let them make me wish-lists of books they'd like to have on it. I purchased a few books tonight for it to get them started, and I'll do more at payday. This technology is really amazing! If you follow my Donors Choose page at all, you'll be able to see photos of the kids reading with it soon. :) I have one more grant for another Nook up- about half way there. I will be trying to get a couple more before years' end so that I can have enough for a small station.
• It was a late start today due to some freezing rain early this morning, but we managed to get most of our lessons in for the day.
• The kids loved giving Mrs. Sudano a baby shower gift today. I loved teaching my kids to give to others and think outside of themselves. I believe strongly in this!

The Bad & The Ugly:

Well, I was going to share the bad & ugly, but Rob says I better not. Big brother is watching. So on that note, "Hello Big Brother or Big Sister, whichever you are." :)

Wishes are wishes; life is life. :)

I'm fighting some "blah's" and wishing I could be "home"- what's new, I know. My momma's been sick, and my sister is soon to have her baby. I am so happy for my sister and Scott and the grandparents! I just wish I could be there, and it is really bothering me. Really. But life isn't always what we wish.

This Wednesday, Thursday, and next Monday will be the big benchmark tests at my school. Rob's students will be taking their EOC's this week also. Please pray. For the kids. For the results. For the teachers. Thanks!

And hey, I took another walk today- in the cold, Crystal, in a t-shirt. :)

crying + report cards= a happy me

I am working on report cards, but I have to hop on here and write this down for myself. I just started report cards, and right "out of the gate" on the very first kid- THERE is my proof!

Love may not solve everything that my kids have to face in their hard lives, but LOVE can help! My "girl," a very special child to me, the reason I came up to third grade! WOW!!!! I knew she had improved a great deal these past few weeks in her behavior, and I was seeing her actually attempt to do some classwork. BUT, WOW, when I pull up her 1st quarter report card to see what I wrote and reread her grades from 1st quarter. OH MY GOODNESS and THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I all did was love her- really. Loved her through some pretty rough days and loved her on the good days. Gave her hugs a zillion times a day no matter what she was acting like, told her I believed in her even when she was being a not-so-nice human being. Celebrated EVERY SINGLE good thing she did, and hugged away the bad things. LOVE!

There is my proof for the critics out there who don't like me from the regional office. Once you can help a child start to deal with their anger, learn to control their behaviors, THEN they can get down to learning, and she has! The grades are markedly better, and the behavior/work grades are HUGELY better! :) :) :) I cannot wait to show her this report card. Last time she was so upset with herself for her report card grades, and that made for a rough day. This time, we are going to happy dance together!!!!!

And, not where she'll ever see it, but on my inside I'm praying this growth shows up on the one & only score that "they" count, so that maybe, just maybe, they'll see what I see too and start to believe in us too. But either way, THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a small revelation

I know this is crazy. I am nervous to write this out here where people I know, people I don't know, people I work with, people who "think" they know me, and complete strangers might see it and judge me. But this is my journal and so I am going to do it anyway.

I think I heard God whispering something to me in church today. It's probably something everyone else knows, but as I am His "slow learner" it takes me a while. Pretty sure it will take me a while to really "get it." But I'm working on it-harder than anyone knows.

I think I figured out, with His help, why I get so upset with myself. I am not sure where this comes from or why I'm like this or when it started- don't know if it matters even. I won't name names, but some of my family and probably many others have gotten so frustrated with me at times and have told me that I am acting like I'm better than everyone else because I set some higher standard for myself. I'm sure that's what it seems like to others, but it's really not it.

I just HATE HATE HATE when I "feel" like I have been a disappointment to God or to others. Mostly that "feeling" is my perception of being a disappointment which is the same in my head (not a sane place I know) as being a failure. If I have let someone down, not been there for them, hurt someone, not performed in a situation, problem, or trial like I "think" a "good Christian" should or as I think God would have wanted me to, then this thing starts in my head. The self-hate, and yes, that really is what it is, starts. My parents, husband, sister, kids, bosses, and friends have all told me to "just turn that record off; break that record; don't listen to it...." And all those things are good advice. But, you need to understand something. I don't see it coming; it usually is there before I realize it- so it's not like I can just stop it before it starts. I see it after it's started, and then I am having to try to turn it off. And THAT is growth for me, folks! The "old" Rebekah couldn't have even done that. I have come a long way in this process. I at least recognize that it is some dumb record playing, that I need to turn it off, and I am fighting to do so. Maybe before I die, I'll figure out how to re-record that record; I don't know. It's pretty hard-wired in my head at 40 years old, but I'm trying. And that's all I can do.

But, and this is a big but for me, something struck me today in worship (honestly, I get more out of worship service than sermons or anything else- I always hear God then very strongly!). When He died on the cross all the sins of all of us were "laid" on Him. I know that, but it just hit me- every sin I ever committed (yeah, I know that), BUT also every sin I will ever commit in the present and future- things I haven't even done wrong yet, but am sure to do- even those were laid on Him. So even though I don't know the many, stupid, sinful, willful things I will do, HE already does and HE already forgave me before I was even a blip on the radar screen of the world. SO, if He already knows what I am going to do, all the sins and mistakes and failures and let-downs I am going to do ahead of time, then they really aren't "disappointments" to Him, are they?

So, I'm looking up the word "disappointment"-

Websters says that disappoint means- to fail to meet the expectation or hope of

When I google the word, I got this, disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.

So, I'm really thinking about this. I'm thinking about my kids. They have "disappointed me" at times- a little kind of disappointment in the sense that I was disappointed that they didn't do their best in school or disappointed that their behavior was not what it ought to have been in a given situation. BUT, it was not the "big" disappointment in that, I was sorry I had them, sorry I knew them, regret kind of disappointment. NOTHING my children have ever done- and God knows they've done some things I would never tell anyone- but NOTHING they do would make me disappointed in them as my children. Yet, I'm not God. I don't know what they will do someday; don't know the mistakes, stupid things, or flat out- sins they will do someday (I pray they are not too many).

God already knew/knows what I will do well, what I will do horribly, what I will accomplish and what I will fail in. He knows what my limits are, what trials I will encounter, what I face. He knows my personality, who I am, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm going. There is NOTHING about me that He does not already know. He knows me better than I know myself- I sure hope so, as I am 40 and still trying to understand who this crazy lady named "Rebekah Rose" is. :) He is a loving Father. I think that's where I get myself into trouble. I want to be a good child; I don't want to hurt Him.

But maybe I'm just going to have to trust that He isn't hurt by my mistakes. He was a human. He understands that we get tired, that we have those stupid hormones, that we misunderstand others, that we experience stress and sorrow and hurt. He understands the human, physical limitations on us. He does not expect me to be perfect because He understands, apparently better than I do, that in this imperfect, human form, I cannot be perfect until I "arrive" up there someday. So, Rebekah Rose, if God can understand all that, still lay down His life knowing all the sins, evil thoughts, words, deeds you would someday do, and still say, "I love you. I forgive you." Then, you are not a disappointment to God, dummy. (Throwing in a little Sanford & Son there just for fun.) :)

So to my family, friends who love me from so far away, and whatever coworker might be reading this, you'll have to put up with me a while longer. I am sorry for my aggravating habits, but I'm working on this, MUCH MUCH harder than you know. I'll get there someday, and until then please allow me the moments I may have and be patient with me. I haven't arrived yet.

Oh lovely :)

Last night I actually SLEPT all night (about 7 hours) and woke up with very little back pain!!!! It was more wonderful than I can say!!!!!!!! I can't honestly remember when I've done that it's been so very long. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

We went to the first church service, and after church, drove the two walking routes I'm trying to use to measure their approximate distance (much further than I had thought!), went to get a soda, and came home to fix lunch. Lunch was yummy- broccoli cheese soup, wraps, and I had fresh blackberries- my favorite! I did a couple things I needed to do for grad school, and I have taken a lovely nap- another thing I don't get to do often thanks to insomnia and a busy life. I have a lot to do, but I have just sat here vegging out a bit and enjoying this fire Rob started- so peaceful to watch. :)

I'm going to work on report cards next and try to get them as close to done as I can today.

This weekend's list-

• I went for a walk with Rob yesterday between my grocery run and the funeral, and Rob, Barbara, Matthew and I walked again today (and now know exactly how far I am walking)- it is getting a little easier this week so yeah! :)
• I did NOTHING Friday night- no lesson plans, no grading papers, no college, nothing!, and I took a nap today- hey, I could get used to this. :) I know this sounds silly or maybe lazy or self-centered to people who don't know me, but if you know me, you'll know this is rare for me.
• I was in a funky mood (stress, truly sick of work, one of my "I hate me" moods, plus the funeral) but I went out anyway with my daughter and a coworker to get some dinner and buy a baby shower gift for another coworker. That was fun. I loved my Greek salad. Thanks Barbara for buying the dinner! :) Thanks to B & my coworker for putting up with me when I was moody & tired and still loving me in spite of it. Not too many coworkers do that for you. :) Not all moms get daughters that will love you as much as mine does! I know that and am thankful!
• I went to church today. God is good and still loves me and spoke to me.
• Matthew and cooked tonight after our walk- the yummy veggie pasta salad. With Greek dressing and a little feta cheese on top. Oh. my. word. Soooo good!

I better quit being a bum now, and get to work. Think I'll take another walk first. :) This could become habit-forming, and I pray it does. :) That's my goal anyway. :)

the things you might hear in my classroom

This past week I had a student (3rd grade, remember) get seriously indignant with me during our "Math Madness" time (Math Madness is an EOG prep booklet- each day we do ten math problems covering all strands of math- we go through the problems together, the kids & I). Now, let me say that getting upset with the teacher is nothing new under the sun, I know; getting mad at the teacher in my room is a daily occurrence- not a big deal at all. But what he was upset about was new to me! He wanted me to do his work. I already was working through the problems with the kids, then we all talked about which answer choices of the four were not good answers and which was and why. We would all say the correct answer out loud together and "bubble it in"- if he didn't want to learn but just get a decent grade, all he had to do was half listen and copy whoever was writing the solution on the board. He shouted at me, "Why can't you just do this work for us?" SERIOUSLY?????????? I thought he was kidding at first, but he wasn't. I'll spare you the details of the rest of the conversation as he was pretty ugly, and I was in complete shock. And this from a nine year old?????? Are you kidding me??????? What is wrong in our society????

And then yesterday, I heard a new reference to, well you know, "romance." It was one of those "yo' mama" comments but it was quite vulgar and it involved a student's mama and another student. WOW! Never heard it referred to in that way, and I never knew a nine year old could know that much about it.

Yeah, I'm pretty disgusted right now.

On a happy note:

• I wanted to do an exploration thing with my kids and the concept of capacity. I felt they needed to "play" with containers and experiment with the concept of how many quarts are in a gallon, pints in a quart, etc. by playing with pouring rice, water, or something into containers. So we did, and the kids LOVED it, and I think it helped them "get" it more! We were supposed to be having visitors pop in on us, and I was so hoping they'd see my kids actively engaged in this task. Oh well, of course that didn't happen, but the important thing is my kids were learning and having fun. That is what really matters!
• I may still be dealing with a lot of behaviors that are quite challenging in my classroom, but my students ARE making HUGE HUGE HUGE growth in the way they behave, in their level of work, in their respect towards each other and myself. Even my "friend" up there with the yo' mama comment- just two months ago that would have been a fist fight and lots of threats for retaliation. Now it's just a yo' mama comment that goes to a tattle and is resolved within a few minutes. Yesterday one of my kids sat down with me and said, "Mrs. T., I'm getting better aren't I? I don't get so mad anymore." It was a big moment for us both, and I was so thankful I got to be the one sitting there with her as she made this realization. I have so been regretting my move to third grade- SOOOOOOOO regretting. For me, personally, it was the single most stupid thing I've ever done in my teaching life. But, I moved up to be with this child, and so I am glad still somewhere, deep down inside (where it counts) that I did. In spite of it all. These things will never show up on the test that is used to judge me as a teacher, but in life, I think I have helped them grow up. I am proud of the work we have done together even if no one else ever notices the good in all of us. Because if the kids notice their growth and if they truly change, well that is what will make a difference in their lives- not a test score, not what my boss or her boss or the governor or even President Obama thinks. Not some stupid law or the politics of education either, but if the kids can learn to change their own futures by working and growing and learning- maybe their lives will become something altogether better and more bright. Maybe.
• I made it through another very stressful day, and was able to laugh and joke with my kids and be happy in my classroom.

I'm going to get groceries soon. Rob & I have a funeral to go to this afternoon. I have report cards, PEP's, lesson plans all for work and grad school- I still have no clue what all I have to do or how to do it, but I'll be working on something for it I'm sure. :)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Finally!

Well after four days of "inclement weather" days, we are finally going back to school tomorrow on a late start! A coworker asked me today, "How's your spring break?" hahaha I have to admit, I'll be crying later when we make these days up, but it sure has been nice being all together the five of us- sleeping in, movies, games, pajama days, vegg-ing out! As for school, I sure hope my kids are the wonderful group that came back from Christmas break! :)

Rob & I started a crock pot of chili this morning, and he drove me to school before going on to his school. We worked a half day, and then he came and picked me up. He wanted to make sure I could get into the building safely and not slip on any ice as we'd heard that the parking lot was awful yesterday. He's a good guy and after all these years still loves me and looks out for me! Think I'll keep him around for another 20+ years. :) We came home, went for a short walk up in the school's lot where there was no ice, and then came home & took a short hour nap (I can't do that very often; it was so nice to snuggle up in a dark, cold room under all the blankets!)

I got very, VERY stressed tonight after reading an email and just felt this overwhelming impression (God's voice) that I should get up & pray. So I called my Momma and asked her to pray in agreement with me, and just began to tell God everything He's already heard from me over & over, but I did it anyway. THANK YOU Momma for praying with me and listening to me and talking with me afterwards!

I have my lesson plans rearranged for tomorrow, and I'm going to make a recording sheet for tomorrow's capacity exploration. Then I'm going to go to bed and try to sleep!

My "list" for today:

• I know I am nothing without Jesus & His love.
• I still hear His voice which means I am not lost. (I know, Momma, I know!)
• I made some coworkers laugh today. I like making people laugh. :)
• Rob & I made a good pot of chili today! YUM YUM YUM!
• I took care of me today- I took a short walk today before the ice started forming again! I took a nap today! And I am going to shut this off and head to bed soon.

Please pray for the family & friends of one of Rob's fellow teachers. She died this week while receiving her first chemo treatment. She leaves behind one young adult son and I'm sure many others who loved her. This is the second teacher we've known who has died in the past month.

FOUR!!!!

I cannot believe it, but we will be on our fourth "inclement weather" day tomorrow!!!

Rob and I are going to work for about a half day and then spend the rest of the day with our family. Maybe we'll play another game of Pictureka. We played today and had a lot of fun. Matthew is killer when it comes to smacking the card! Got to watch your fingers around that boy! :)

Night world!

God, it's me, your "difficult" child.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7

God, it's me again- you know who, "that one." :) You know my needs and the requests that are on my heart right now at this moment in time.

Snow Day # 2

Today was another "snow day" for us here in central N.C. I am beginning to wonder if we'll go back at all this week. :) NOT that I'm complaining though, that's for sure! :) The community college was closed, and Robert didn't get work today at his day job so we were all home together- aaahhhh, so nice!

So today, I still woke up at 6:30 or so; my back was killing me. I came into the living room, stretched out in the recliner and fiddled around on the computer- checked emails, facebook'ed, and played some solitaire. I showered and put my jammies back on, and had a WONDERFUL "pajama day." :) :) :) When everyone got up, we had a very, very late breakfast and hung out in the living room together, fiddling on computers, playing video games, talking, watching t.v, laughing and joking and being our silly selves.

This afternoon Barbara hung out with me in the kitchen while I worked on paper projects. I tried my hand at making Valentine's cupcake wrappers and toppers. I LOVED my little toppers!!!! I went ahead and listed a set in my Etsy store. I posted more photos on my other blog page, but wanted to share these photos just 'cuz they make me happy. :)

I don't know quite what was with me, but I had a strange experience today. I was a little short this morning. I wasn't mad or upset, but twice I heard my voice snap and thought, "Why are you sounding so grouchy? You're not mad. What is your problem, Rebekah?" I told Rob that I just felt strange- not mad or upset, but a little uptight kind of, but not sure why at all. He said maybe it was just stress. ???? I tried to relax & take a nap this afternoon, but was really wound-up, almost hyper. My brain was going a bazillion miles an hour, and I just felt very, very restless. It was kind of creepy and funny at the same time. I kept itching and feeling like a bug was crawling on me or something and was humming tunes, dancing around as I worked, and such. Barbara and I had lots of laughs at crazy me. :) After three or four hours of that silliness I started to feel more normal. Weird!!!!

I talked with my Pop today too. :) That was very nice!!!! I know he won't read this, but I enjoyed talking with you, Pop. I love you and am so thankful for you!!!!

Matthew worked a short shift at McDonalds this evening; it was slow so he was off early. :) We are watching Johnny English, eating munchies and just having a quiet night together. I am SOOOO thankful for this time together. We are snatching as many "five of us" moments as we can so they will be wonderful memories we can all cherish if/when Matthew leaves in a few months' time.

So that was snow day #2; and yes, we are out again tomorrow. I cannot believe it, but it's true! :) And, NO, I do NOT plan to go in to work tomorrow. I am going to stay home and try to do some of the college and work things I should have probably done today. And maybe I'll try taking that nap. :) Maybe. :)

Love,

Rebekah :)

My list for today:

1. I can apologize when I am wrong (and even when I'm not, right family?) :) I know I apologize too much (ask my family, coworkers, boss, they'll all tell you). But I was glad that I quickly realized I was being snappy and told Rob what was going on in my head. And that was the end of the short tone. The grouchy just went away when I realized it and told him; and then the hyper, restless, crazy, silly side came out. Go figure!

2. I am learning to do things for me- part of what started this whole card business was trying to find something to do that was fun for me. :)

3. I ADORE my family!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it for today.

"Snow Day" - ahem ????

We were out of school today for bad weather, but the weather didn't come until about 2:30, and now at 11 PM we have maybe an inch of snow/ice. We are out again tomorrow. Rob & I decided to go to our classrooms for a very short time (I have to work, lose pay, or make up the hours on these days, and Rob is taking on another course and losing his planning period so he had some things to do to be ready). So the kids and I went to lunch and then headed to my room. Barbara helped another teacher, and my boys helped me clean out the fish tank, mail the HUGE pile of graded papers, and rearrange the tables and kids' desks. THANK YOU my young people!

A big box came from my sister, and we were finally able to get it from the post office since we were off. My sister and brother-in-law had sent us some Christmas and other goodies. They got Matthew this "mohawk hat." I think he really likes it- he's been wearing it much of the evening. :)

He HATES to have his picture taken, but I finally got him to cooperate (well, Rob did actually) and got a decent smile. He's cute! :) I love his smile!

Rob & I cooked chicken tetrazzini together tonight, and we've just hung out, and laughed and joked and been silly together. Rob and I also went for a walk after supper in the snow. I have to be careful as I'm normally very clumsy, and have broken my ankle on black ice before. We just walked a few laps around the school's parking lot and came home. The wind was cold, but it was nice to hold my hubby's hand and walk in the snow together. Robert got to come home from the restaurant early since it was dead- YEAH! Rob and Robert ran to the grocery store and got stuff for a yummy snow day breakfast for tomorrow and munchies for us all.

I'm hoping to actually sleep tonight- the insomnia has been kicking in a bit, and especially the past two Sundays- no big surprise there I guess. :) So last night I was up most of the night.

And, boy is this hard, but I promised. :) I need a name for this maybe. IDK????

Today's "trying to like myself items":

• I make people laugh.
• I can laugh at myself (which I think is good).
• I am a good cook.
• I like to learn new things.
• I am sticking with my exercise (even walked in the snow today!).

Thankful for encouraging words, the love of others, and yes, even life's challenges

First off, I have to say that I am SO very thankful for the love God gives freely even when we don't deserve it. I am grateful for the love and support of my family- the ones I live with and the ones back home in northern Illinois. Without God and that family, I don't know where I'd be, who I'd be, and I don't want to think about it.

I'm also thankful tonight for the encouraging words two ladies have given me lately- Rach & Crystal, I am grateful for you and the timely encouragement you have sent my way!

Momma, you have ALWAYS been there for me. Your undying love and belief in me has been an example of God's love to me, what a mother's love for her children should be, and has held me up in some icky times in my life. Thank you for being that Momma! Not everyone gets one of "those" kind of moms, and I am more grateful than words can ever express!

Rob, you have stood by me for a long, long time now. We certainly had some hard times, but we hung on and made it through. You stuck with me through all of it and have been my best friend, the one who has to listen to me rant & rave and complain and cry. When I get in the car to come home, I can't hardly wait to reach this sanctuary we have created together- this safe place in an ugly, ugly world- home is my haven where I find God and love, joy and laughter. Thank you for that!

This weekend I was stressed about college and work. It all came to a head and I made it home to fall apart. Rob let me cry, held me in his arms and listened to me. My momma listened to me and prayed for me. Then she told me something that helped. "Rebekah, you have done many hard things and done them all well." That really helped, Momma. And you're right Momma. I thought about the challenges life has brought me. None of them were easy, but I did make it through and they all made me a better person.

Then Crystal sent me a message to tell me that I just don't see myself the way others do- which is not a new thought for me. The list of people who have spoken to me about this and said that very thing could probably stretch all the way back home to Illinois from here. :) I have long annoyed people I work with, let alone my family, for this very flaw. :)

I have LONG said, that I wish I could have a new pair of glasses that let me see myself the way God does. I just don't see all good things other people see. I see the real me- the side I try to hide because inside of me are some ugly thoughts, words that I'm not proud of, anger, laziness, gluttony, jealousy (oh, I don't want to admit that one), and lots of other awful things if I were completely honest with myself.

BUT, "someone" kind of challenged me tonight to start writing five positive things about myself each day. Not sure if I want to do that either. :) But I'll try. I feel self-conscious and conceited.

So I'll say it this way:

• I am not a perfect person, waaaaay far from what God wants, but I am His child. That's the bottom line.
• I have been a good wife to Rob Thomas for 22 1/2 years. I have stuck with him through the bad times too and support him in everything he does.
• I haven't been a perfect mom; God knows I've made lots of mistakes and have lots of regrets, but my kids have become these WONDERFUL young people! Not perfect either, but trying to live for God, respectful, loving, giving, laughing, seemingly well-adjusted young adults in spite of my mistakes. I can take credit for that. :) After all these years and all my worries that I'd mess them up, I didn't. I "done good."
• I have been a good daughter to my parents. I have tried to be there for them- not always done that well either, but mostly, I think I have. I have honored them, mostly obeyed them, listened to their wisdom, watched their lives' example.
• I have been a good teacher to a lot of kids from southern Illinois to northern Illinois, Iowa, and now North Carolina and have done so for soon to be 17 years. I will never win some big award, but I have loved with all my heart more children than I can count anymore. Wherever I have taught, I have given all of myself and then some. I can honestly say that I have never taught somewhere and not worked myself to death almost to be there for my students and their families. I am NOT saying I have never failed in that endeavor or made mistakes as a teacher. I am NOT saying I am some great teacher who is the best. But I have tried with every fiber of my being to show God's love to every student who walks through my door as well as the adults who come into my life.

For over a year now, I have tried to ask myself these things at the end of each day:

• Did I please God today?
• Did I do right by my family today?
• Did I do right by my students today?
• Did I show love to those entrusted to me today?

But if I may confess, this year has been even more challenging and difficult than even last year was, and it was a pretty rough year. I still try to do those four things EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I have let the negativity and hurtful, spiteful things said and done in my work environment take root in my heart and tear me apart. I have let all the garbage at work and the negativity and the focus on some stupid #/score and the 30-second sound bytes from people who never observe in my classroom dictate what I focus on more than I should. I need to go back to those ?s up there. That should be the true measure for myself at the end of the day.

So, taking up this challenge given to me and modeling after Rach who lists "sparklies" and "milestones," I will try my very best to list something good about myself each day. If you read, please don't see me as conceited because I know I will. :)

With a lot of love and gratefulness,

Your BekaBoo :)

Overwhelmed

***I apologize in advance. I am a red-eyed, stressed mess, so this post is probably going to be a rambling filled with run-ons and other annoying things. Feel free to ignore. It's mostly so I can just get my feelings out.

I started the new semester today. I came home and fell apart. I was prepared for another hard semester; so far all my courses have had their difficult moments, and my brain power has been challenged over and over. But I survive each semester with God and my family's support, love, and help. It's all good.

I was doing alright through the prof's explanation of the capstone portfolio. It's a lot of work, but we have time, and I'm a decent enough writer to be able to do that. The exam, well it makes me a bit nervous, but again, I can study and have time to do that. It's online so I can probably use my books, notes, and take the time I need to do well (or at least decent enough to pass the program). Those two items are capstone for the whole program so they will be covering two years' worth of material, projects, readings, and work. Biggies, but do-able. I've done very well so far in this program, so with God's help I can do this too. No worries.

Then we get to this actual course. This prof seems very nice, but has it very clearly stated that he does not accept late assignments and that one assignment missing earns an F in the whole course. So he will not "play." Okay, I can take that. I'm an adult; I can get it done, might be hard, but I will do it with God's help. Last semester of this program; I can do all things through Christ.

Then he begins to talk about our projects/assignments. I begin to tear up and my stomach instantly is hurting. We have to mentor someone (I stunk at that the last time I tried to be a mentor), AND we have to lead a professional development session. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot do that. Literally. I am not being a drama-queen; I am not being silly. I cannot speak in front of groups of adults. Kids I can do- even that makes me pretty uptight and nervous at the beginning of each school year, but I can get through that. Adults- I don't do. I HATE HATE HATE group work, group projects, "turn & talk," "jigsaw," and the million other "cutesy" ways we have to do group work in education. I'm not talking a little bashfulness or a little nerves. I'm talking serious stomach-ache, instant, horrid heartburn, blood pressure goes up, I want to crawl in a whole-and-die kind of horror. I've often joked (but not so joking) that I could probably get a social anxiety disorder diagnosis and the meds to go with it if I really told a dr. this stuff. Seriously.

I have NO idea how I'm going to do this, and especially at my work place. Where I'm now just left of "worst teacher in the planet" in some people's books. Yeah, I'm sure the powers-that-be are going to let me/want me to lead a PD session. I'm sure I am NOT going to want to do that. And honestly, if I'd known this was part of the program, I would NEVER have signed up for this. I know that's crazy, literally pyscho. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I don't want to.

So, I sat there trying really, really hard to not let anyone see that I was close to tears. Then the prof has for us, as our "ticket-out-the-door" (another stupid thing educators do), "Write on an index card what you hope to gain in the area of leadership from this course." Oh, great! Can I write what I really think/want/hope? What is so bad about just hoping to be a better teacher, hoping to lead your students more effectively, hoping to lead yourself to a better place, better understanding of the content you teach?

I'm so tired and overwhelmed and honestly, discouraged right at this moment. But I'll live. I know I do not have it bad in the scheme of things and compared to so many others. I am just being a baby. So, here I go. I'm picking myself up, telling myself to "hush up" and giving myself a swift kick in the rear. Get over yourself, Rebekah Rose. Seriously.

tonight's not-so-deep thought

just journaling a quick thought for tonight. i am dead tired and should be in bed already.

when told "you better bring your 'A' game as some kind of perceived, bully, stupid threat, it's best to just walk away.

for "their" information- i bring my "a+ game" EVERY SINGLE DAY i show up to work, and i don't do it for them or ANYONE but God and those kids. if that's not enough of a reason, than i don't have a clue what is. i could go on, but i'm hushing and going to sleep. my "a" game needs to get it's beauty sleep because the inquisition is coming.

grrr......

After all these years...

It's weird after all these years how my daddy's death still so strongly impacts me. A few days ago, Barbara was talking about how her daddy taught her to change a tire and the oil... The conversation went a lot of ways, but one of the ways it went was me making sure she knows that should she EVER want to do either of those things she must tell me first. It was weird how quickly that thought could bother me.

Then tonight, Robert was telling me about something he did in his job today. Something I am sure is perfectly safe. He was talking to me, and I told him we'd have to not go too far in this conversation when BOOM! there it was, and I had to ask him to stop. I don't want to be that way with my kids- don't want them to have to not tell me things or not be just normal.

But I really can't help it. I've come a long- no a very long- way from the traumatized girl I was, but I guess some things just can't be fixed. I know my kids will understand and won't mind. I just wish I wasn't a messed-up person.

Love the kids, everything else- eeehhh

Just popping by very quickly to say hello. I hope you are having a great first week of 2011.

I was very pleasantly surprised so far this week by my student's excellent behavior! Usually the first few days back after a longer break are a bit like the beginning of the school year. I wasn't quite sure what to expect in third grade, but figured I'd have my hands full as I normally do even on a good day. Well, what do you know- my kids are behaving WONDERFULLY. Not sure if it's "just" God (insert BIG cheesy smile here, Momma) and the prayers I have going up for me or if the gum that I've been offering at day's end has been that big a deal, but whatever it is, I'll take it!!!! Let me tell you though, God works in mysterious ways, and last week He put the gum in my shopping cart, so I will give Him full credit if gum is working wonders. :) hahahahaha

The kids, I love! I enjoy the laughter, the teasing, the hugs, and helping kids learn. The other stuff that goes with teaching now, well it's not so hot. But what's new. :)

I'm drained, still have a HUGE stack of papers to grade that I didn't finish over break plus assignments from this week already stacking up. Benchmarks are rolling in soon, plus now we have more assessments "they" are going to require of us, so the crazy busy time is almost here again. :( In another week, it will be benchmarks, PEP's, report cards, and a bunch of other assessments.

In other exciting news- ha!- I start the next grad class this weekend. This is the last one in this pilot program. I will be receiving a math license when it's done. :) I'm going to be applying for student loans to finish the master's degree. Please pray that I can find a way to fund it as it's only five more courses I have to pay for. But, then again, it is five more courses to pay for when you can't even pay your own bills in the summer. I know God will help me if it is in His plan.

I have some other things on my mind, but they're not mine to share. Please just pray for someone I care about; God knows who it is and what the situation is.

Encouragement

There was a verse in worship today, and I couldn't get it written all down, but wrote enough to look it up. It spoke to me- just stood out to me, and I felt compelled to look it up. Wow, it speaks to a couple things heavy on my heart right now. I was familiar with other parts of the chapter and it really just was a blessing to read it again. What a word of encouragement! I do not look forward to going back into "battle" tomorrow. This time home with my family has been a reprieve from the daily challenges and struggles that teaching has become. But go I must; it is my God-calling and I want to please Him and help others.

Let me share the verse. I hope it encourages you or helps you through a hard time.

Love,

Beka :)

Isaiah 43: 1-7

But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you... "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.... Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth- everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

Then this part that was shared in worship this morning: verses 18 & 19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.