They say God moves in mysterious ways...

There is a song out right now with a title that would offend many Christians. My daughter posted a link the other day to it on Facebook, and she got a comment or two that was negative. I don't know what it says about me that it doesn't, and I'll leave that to others to decide. But I have listened to the song and if you can get past the title the words are really something. This is the song I mentioned the other day. I think it sounds kind of weird perhaps to say that God would use a song with vulgar language in it, but I promise you that is sure what it seems like to me.

You might not know me personally, but I want you to know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the children at my school- the ones I have taught and the ones I haven't. I get hugs and visits daily from many of my "old" kids and from kids I don't even know by name, only by face that I never taught, and I try to hug them all and give them a bit of my attention. This year, as every year, I have several students who have touched my heart yet drive me crazy with their behaviors. I don't know why I love them some days because they can be quite obnoxious, but I honestly do. I see something in them, and know that kids don't just come out this way. They don't get to choose their lives and the circumstances they find themselves in, they are not emotionally, mentally, or physically equipped or empowered to cope with much of what they see and hear and they see things most of us have never, things we can't fathom, and things they should NOT ever see, hear, know. So, I get up each day and try to love them like Him, put up with all the drama, and help them learn the academics, but most importantly learn how to live and work with others and work out difficulties in better ways. I feel like a failure more this year in so many ways; it's been a year of discouragement and frustration.

Then, I hear this song on the radio while driving with my daughter. I didn't know it had this "naughty" word in it, because it was on the radio and edited. I looked up the words when I got home, and oh my goodness- this song just grabs me. I feel like I should buy it and play it for my kids. I feel this very strongly. This first verse is the life many of my kids may have and I hope they'll find their way out of it somehow. The chorus is what I would like to say to them. And that second verse- it's what this rough, rowdy, troubled class of third graders that many people don't like say to me constantly- "Mrs. T, don't put yourself down. It makes me sad when you... Stop saying bad things about yourself Mrs. T...."

So I bought it and waited for the right moment to play it for my children. After the big reading EOG test, where my kids were persistent through that long, awful test and I didn't have any serious behavior problems (which was an absolute miracle and a FIRST for my class this year- THANK YOU GOD!!!).... I just felt moved to tears with pride in these kids. I turned on my computer and told them I wanted them to listen to the words of this song, that it was our song- my message to them and the message they'd given back to me. I went around my room and as they ate their lunch and listened, I gave each of them a kiss on the top of their heads. When I got around to one particularly troubled child, the chorus "just happened" to come on at that exact point. I said his name, he looked up at me, and I pointed to the speaker and his whole face contorted in tears, he covered his face with both his hands and SOBBED loudly for ten minutes- this street-smart, hardened, tough, prone to angry outbursts, threats, and outright violence- kid. He couldn't even speak. I went on and told every child that no matter what the day, what the problem, how they behaved, I loved them each and every one and thought they were perfect to me and always would. Finally, this young man came up to me and bear-choked me and wouldn't let go. I asked him why he was crying, and could barely talk, but said, "Because you love me." Oh. My. Word. Now it was my turn to try to remain composed. I just held him and cried silently with him. And prayed like I have never prayed in my life. God, I don't know how a simple teacher's love (which is really Your love I know) can overcome all the stuff in his life. He has a lot of his life left with a lot of "stuff" to overcome I'm sure. But somehow, let this moment stick in his young mind. Let it be enough. Let it never be far from him. Let him remember these words and know that somewhere, someone (You and me) love him. Let him, and all my kids, be able to overcome and rise above the "stuff" they are facing.

And today, another one of my kids came up to me out of the blue at breakfast, grabbed onto my waist and squeezed. When I bent down to hug him back, he whispered to me, "Mrs. T. you are absolutely perfect to me."

And as always, I turn to mush inside. ALL, yes all, Rebekah Rose Thomas, all this garbage- the administrator from hell, the stupid criticisms like the slight haze on the whiteboard, the old bulletin board display, the pencils on the floor, the bickering, fighting, cussing, knives, drugs, threats, the daily soap opera drama that drives me insane- all of that was worth it if just one (please, God, let it be more) of these kids can make it. How could I ever put a price on their lives? Who am I to think that my life, my peace of mind, my comfort, my daily life, peace, ease is more important than their success in life and eternity? I felt like a failure all year because "they" were judging me based on the test scores. But the growth that is happening and is yet to be really, truly measured may not be seen by me or my principal or school. If these kids can make it through all their stuff and grow up to like themselves, be well-adjusted adults who love their families and friends, then I was perfect to them.

So on this, the last night of the first round of EOG's- I am reminding myself that my comfort and so-called "ease" is not what this life is about. Thank you God for songs to remind me, for letting me hear the message behind this song, helping me to see how I could use this to touch my children one more time with an important message, and for letting me be the one this year to hang with these kids, love them in spite of the drama, and be a small part of their lives. And thank you for a group of rough, hurting kids to teach me something so many people have tried to tell me.

And though they'll never see this, Chris (and all of you 3rd graders of mine), I am changing those voices, day-by-day-by-day, just like you. One of these days, we're going to like ourselves and overcome all that "stuff" we all have in our lives. Thank you for loving this "old lady" teacher of yours who doesn't always like herself. That is a gift no one can ever take away from me!

Love to you all!

Rebekah/Beka/Mrs. T

xxxxx Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn
once or twice
dug my way out
blood and fire.
Bad decisions,
that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced
misunderstood,
Miss "No way its all good."
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken,
always second guessing,
underestimated;
look I'm still around.

Pretty, pretty please
don't you ever,ever feel
like you're less than
less than perfect.
Pretty,pretty please
don't you ever,ever feel
like your nothing.
You are perfect to me.

You're so mean
when you talk
about yourself.
You were wrong.
Change those voices
in your head.
Make them like you instead.
So complicated
look how big you'll make it
filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough I've
done all I can think off.
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same.

Pretty,pretty please
don't you ever,ever feel
like you're less than
less than perfect.
Pretty,pretty please
If you ever,ever feel
like your nothing
You are perfect to me.

EOG's- we're almost there!

We're almost through round 1 of EOG's! I CANNOT say enough how thankful I am for all your prayers! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please keep praying- one more day of this for third & fourth graders and two more for fifth graders. Then a week of "remediation" and more retesting for many kids.Whatever the scores are, I am very proud of my children! They have worked hard, behavior has been good, very little in the way of frustration, quitting, bad attitude... hopefully that will pay off and result in great scores, but either way I am thankful that they have cooperated and tried. :)

I have some stories I may share, but I am just hopping on here quickly tonight. Let me just say that I find God to never cease to be amazing. He used a song most Christians would not approve of from the title to help me share His love this week, and the result blew me away. God, please let that memory stick in the mind of my friend and never leave him. Let it come back to him over & over & over again when life gets hard.

Last night was Matthew's last concert (and ours as parents). Very moving night for Rob & I. I videoed all his songs, and will try to get one posted this weekend. Here he is with his band teacher afterwards. This kid young man hates to smile for photos, I don't know why. He was smiling two seconds before,

but then... this. :) Go figure!

Tonight we had a photo shoot at the arboretum.

I can't wait to see the photos and share some here!!! Our photographer was great, took TONS of photos, and let Matthew change from his BDU's (all Matthew wears anymore), to his dress outfit, to his cap/gown, to his JROTC Army uniform. She was terrific! Matthew was his goofy-don't-smile-for-the-camera self, but she got some good ones of him I think. The one thing that really hit Rob & I tonight was when Matthew helped her fold up her flag they'd used as a prop. We stood there watching our son, soon to be a soldier, fold up an American flag. God, if it is possible, please let us never receive one of those folded flags on his behalf. And if it is what the future will bring, please help us make it. No matter where our son goes, let him never forget that You love him and that his family (all of us) love him. Keep him IN You. That is, in the end, the single most important thing to me- that my three kids live for Christ all their days.

Those big hands... once upon a time they belonged to a little baby boy who could barely breathe, who was covered in tubes and monitors and we couldn't even hold. His little finger could barely grasp ours and we didn't think he'd live. Now he is this gentle giant of ours about to leave home and go serve his country.

And on a silly note- notice how high water his pants are- yes, that is how much this young man has grown! He is TALL! :) He just told me tonight that MEPS measured him at 6'6"!!!!!! WOW, that is tall! :)

Well, I'm outta here for tonight. Going to try to crash early. That concert last night was LONG- almost three hours- didn't get out of there until 9:40!

EOG week- Day 1 is done

I am wiped out! We did a very short survey questions section today, and then my class worked on a service project. They enjoyed it, and as always it was nice to make others smile. Hope that lesson sticks in my kids' minds!!! The kids, Barbara, and I made and delivered over 80 little paper cones filled with candy and a thank you note for all the staff at our school and the bus drivers.

After school Barbara helped me (THANK YOU sweetheart!!!!) finish emptying my walls and spaces of everything. Personally, I find the level of sterile-ness we are told we have to go to absolutely ridiculous, but I have to comply. The new seating arrangement is set, desks moved, and I just have to cover the bookshelves in the morning and we're set for the big, bad EOG. I'm really nervous about messing up and getting in trouble, but praying I can do this. More nervous for my kids and praying they do their best and that all of our hard work will be enough. It's in God's and the kids' hands now. I've given it my all.

Matthew is headed to MEPS next Monday, and hopes to finish the medical exam now that the tube was removed from his ear. If he passes that small part of the medical, then he'll be swearing into the United States Army sometime next Tuesday afternoon. He goes to the recruiter this Wednesday to do paperwork for that and get his job assignment.

Between the enlistment/child leaving home/graduation emotions and the stress at work with the EOG and everything else, my brain played a mean trick on me last night. I woke up in the night from a nightmare about my daddy. He hasn't bothered me in my sleep for a while, and though I did love my daddy, I HATE when I dream about him because it's never good. It's weird how the mind works and how stress, lack of sleep, milestones, life events.... can all work in the mind and produce strange dreams. This was definitely one. I hope this doesn't happen again tonight; I need to sleep and I need to be at my best tomorrow. Mostly I wish I didn't dream about him.

I'm tired, really, really tired. Going to read through my test booklet for tomorrow, take a shower, and try to sleep in the recliner tonight for my poor old, hurting back.

Hope you had a great Monday.

EOG week is here

Please pray for the children at our school, and the teachers and staff. The End of Grade tests are here. Stress and pressure are at crazy levels for us all. I could say a lot about the insanity of our system, the injustices I feel exist, the stupidity of so much time lost for assessments all year long and the amount of time we lose for teaching with these assessments... I could say much, but instead I am going to just pray, try to sleep and ask for your prayers.

Marking the milestones

Matthew spends a great deal of his free time in the backyard just walking around. He has worn a path in the yard where grass just simply refuses to grow. We've lived here for two years now and last summer we began to tease him about it, and Rob fought the good fight all last year trying to coax some grass seeds to sprout but to no avail.

But now as Matthew's graduation is looming on the near future and his enlistment is looking more and more likely, we are becoming quite the pair of sentimental fools. :) (Okay, I admit it, I already was quite the sentimental fool to start with!). :) We decided that we should just let the path stay. If Matthew doesn't get into Uncle Sam's club, he'll still be here pacing away any grass that might pop up. And if he's gone this fall.... well, we want to keep this to remember our youngest by. We don't have the finances now to do much with it, but sometime down the road we're going to mulch it in and put walking stones down it.

In the meantime, I got this maybe goofy idea to put a little flower bed in one spot where he's walked a circle and left a patch of ground with about six blades of grass trying to grow. :)- snicker, snicker- I should also tell you that it's very shady back there and any grass that does come up just won't do much because of the lack of sunlight for most of the day. As you can see in the picture down there, the new grass that is coming up is after two years of Rob seeding, reseeding, watering, chasing off the boy and the dog and nursing, digging, transplanting...

Sooooo... Rob and I went out and bought some plants, and then Matthew and I went back and bought some cheap stones and mulch and the hook and basket. It's not much I know, but after a little work with my son, voila! If Matthew stays here, I've decided to call it "Matthew Knoll," but if he goes away, Rob is going to name it "Homecoming Park" and plans to etch Matthew's dates of leave into the stones for all the times he gets to come home to us.

I was thrilled too because I finally found a way to have one of my favorites- this fuschia! When we rented the other house we had a really shady front yard so these did well there, but this house, well the shady part is at the back of the yard, so I can't do fuschias hanging up at the porch or on the deck- way too sunny. But then we did this, and I got the idea that I could hang one in this spot and it would be perfect! :)

This thing is LOADED with blossoms. Just gorgeous too!

And the hummingbirds love these too. :)

Pondering

The Bible says that Mary "pondered these things in her heart" or something to that effect. I think I am beginning to grasp what that might have felt like as I have been trying to grab every memory of every day, even the little things- no especially the little things, and writing them on my heart and mind so I won't forget them. I want to remember these last days of being a mom to a high school student. I want to remember how fun, crazy busy, hectic, frustrating, sometimes aggravating, and full (of life, busy-ness, laughter, joy, silliness and so much more) our lives are right now. It will come to an end, and I will miss this. God, please don't let me forget how blessed I am. Ever.

I'm feeling very sentimental; I usually am anyway, but this is big. It has really hit me that this is the end of a loooong stage of our lives as parents. I knew this all year, but now that we have less than a month to go to graduation, wow!, it has really sunk in. I will not be a mom to a school-age kid anymore, ever again. No more sports, band concerts, awards programs. No more running to pick kids up from activities or going to the school to give them a ride. No more, "Mom I need such and such for school." This next fall, Rob & I are going to not have to take kids to buy school supplies, shoes, socks, or backpacks. How will I feel? Will I be okay? What's next after 21 years of parenting kids through diapers, bottles, toilet training, learning to use a fork, ride a bike, tie your shoes, read and write and do math, chores- oh lovely chores!- growing up, learning to be an adult, balance a checkbook, work, drive a car, dealing with heartbreaks and the trials of adulthood????

This is definitely going to be different. I'm at times ready for this stage, ready to not have so much hustle and bustle, ready to start living a little more for me, ready to have a house that is more quiet. But most of the time I'm not ready for that yet. And this "hurry up and wait" game with Uncle Sam is getting old too, for I just want to know if my baby is going to be enlisting or not. But then I remember, these 21 years flew by- MUCH. TOO. QUICKLY! Let it go slowly, Rebekah, because it's all going to be gone before you know it.

So for these next few days I am enjoying and writing it all down in my heart: the last band concert, the "little" 6'5" boy who sleeps on my couch with his camo pants & soldier boots on, that young man who walks around in my back yard talking to himself and playing with the dog, the occasional "I love you Mommy's" that I get and the tender moments when they come. Soon enough, he will leave for the Army and I'll never again get back these moments.

Pondering all this in my heart today.

Thank you Father for them and for every moment I got to have and will still get to have with them. If it all ended tomorrow, help me to cherish what I have had. I have been a very blessed woman!

I love you babies of mine, always have, always will.

Mothers' Day 2011

This was a wonderful day. It is looking likely that Matthew will be sworn into the Army in the next few weeks, so this very well may be my last Mothers' Day with all my kids home. It hit me hard on Saturday (I'm only 40 and my kids are all grown- how did this happen???). It is so bittersweet, and I had no idea how hard letting go would be. I am determined, though, to live for the sweet and not dwell on the bitter. I hope I do this stage with grace and laughter, that I adjust quickly to a new stage of parenthood, and that I make God, my parents, my best friend & hubby, and my kids proud of me throughout every stage of my life. :)

My family has been so much fun. I live for days home with Rob and the kids!!!!!!!!! I am so thankful for them!!!!!

So today's photos (sorry, there's a lot), in no particular order:

My personal chefs for the day :)

Matthew made bruschetta- doesn't this photo make your mouth water? Yummy!

Robert has cooked professionally, so he always has everything prepared and ordered and ready before he will start cooking. Here he is getting everything ready for my chicken marsala. :)

This photo is for my Momma & Pop (Grandma & Papa, here he is 21 years old and he still spins in "spinny chairs." :) hahahahaha Just hope there was nothing breakable around him. :) snicker, snicker

the final product- yummy, yummy in my tummy- Boys, you did an outstanding job. This was an absolutely delicious day! :) Thank you for cooking some of my favorites for me!!!!

A few years ago Rob and the kids started a tradition, only they didn't know it was going to be a tradition. They decided to buy me a flowering tree to plant for Mothers' Day. Matthew picked a peach tree that year; he was in 8th grade. This year, Rob and Robert and Barbara did something else, but Matthew insisted that he wanted to keep the tradition, so on his own he bought me another tree and planted it for me. This year's tree is an ornamental pear.

This is our loyal, loving dog, Samson, also known as Sam and Sammy. He is particularly fond of Matthew and me and follows us around. He sniffed and explored the front yard where he doesn't get to go often and then came and laid down by Matthew and I while the tree was planted.

Matthew asked me to take photos of my other Mothers' Day trees. This is the peach tree from the first year. It was well established at the house we rented at the time we bought this house and moved. I was sad to leave it behind so Rob said we should try to bring it. Matthew dug it up and he & I replanted it here at this house in the rain. We weren't sure it would survive, so we even stood outside, he & I, and prayed for the tree in the rain. Look at it today- doing great!

This is my second tree- a dwarf Japanese maple. It moved with us too and is doing great- really filling out. I hope to work on this part of our yard and slowly over the summer dig it up with the boys' help and find cheap/free mulch and fill it in.

I love lambs' ear, and this patch is just looking pretty to me! :)

Rob & Robert bought me a bike to match Rob's (his was a Fathers' Day gift last year from us). Now Rob & I will be riding bikes together in the evenings and walking in the mornings this summer. :)

Matthew watering the trees. The redbud on the right is the Mothers' Day tree from two years ago, and the dogwood on the left was last year's tree. The redbud had something eat away all its leaves last summer, and we weren't sure it would live. It didn't bloom much at all this year, so I was worried about it, but it's doing very well now. :) Someday these trees will fill up our front yard and make for more privacy.

My Army-bound son, his tree, and me. I asked him what he would do next year when he was gone; he said he will send me money to buy a tree and continue the tradition. :)

I REALLYREALLYREALLY hate photos of me, and it is very rare for me to post them in public, but I decided to do it anyway since this was a special day for me. I hope to have a skinnier photo to share next year. My clothes are getting baggier on me; I don't know if you can tell in the photo, but they are.

I made crepes for us as a special treat. We filled them with fruit preserves. I haven't made crepes since I was a newlywed so it was a bit of an adventure but fun. My silly Barbara Rose made hers into a smiley face. :)

This young lady and I have some doozy of arguments sometimes, but I simply, absolutely ADORE her!!!!!!!!!! She is a terrific young woman, and I am so proud of her!

My crazy, silly, joking, smart-aleck, make me laugh until I pee my pants, drive me crazy, love you to death family.

Thank you God for this family. All I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife, mommy, and teacher. I got to be all of those, and I never had any idea how much love and joy it would bring to me. Rob, Robert, Barbara Rose, and Matthew, thank you for a truly wonderful Mothers' Day. I LOVE YOU all very, very much- much more than words could ever say. I will be eternally thankful for each of you and the love and memories we share.

God is always there

God, I know you're always there. No matter the situation. No matter how good or how bad things might be or appear to be.

Please be with my cousin who needs You right now.

Please be with Rob & I and a situation, You already know it all and how it will all work out. Help us to be like You and forgive where we need to forgive. Help us have Your wisdom about how to proceed. Please provide what was taken from us so that we can provide shelter, food, transportation for our family as we enter the lean season once again. Right now I can't see a way through this lean time intact, but I know You can provide. Help me to give it to You totally, trust You totally and wait patiently for Your help.

Most of all, God, please help me to forgive because I've been forgiven much I know.

Happy Mothers' Day to all the moms out there

Heard this on the radio this morning and came home to find the video. Made me smile.

Sunshine

Thank you God for another pretty good day- well, by this year's standards, a really good day.

I even got to see "my girl" come back out from the dark recesses she's been hiding in. I was afraid I'd not see that side of her again, but thank you heavenly Father, the hurting, angry side went back in just as quickly as it had popped out again these past few weeks. I'd begun to feel like a failure for the backtracking she'd done. I'd questioned myself and my ability to reach "these" kids. I must confess that I was truly regretting my decision to move up to be with her.

And it wasn't just her; the past weeks have been seen behavior in other friends really worsening. The days have been so dark lately in our classroom for some of us kids and their worn-down teacher. Today was like the sun emerging after a raging storm. Its warmth reached way down deep inside me and the smile on her face and her wonderful laugh, oh how I wish she knew how happy she makes me too! We spent some one-on-one time at specials together, making copies, grading papers, laughing, her telling me jokes, talking about her grandmother, and sharing her worries and wishes for the EOG's. It was time so wonderfully well spent.

I moved up to be with her- both sides of this wonderful child. I do so love this child- the sunshine-y side and the stormy one, but this day... well, it was a welcome and much needed reprieve in the storms of our third grade life.

I pray the days of sunshine increase for her and the days of storms, hurt, and anger lessen. I pray that anyway, for her and for all my friends, and for children all over the world.

just a photo of my "baby"

Matthew got his cap & gown today. He came home late from a JROTC event and asked me, "Do you want me to try this on for you?" :) I know it's still five weeks away, but here's a photo of our youngest son. He really hates getting his photo taken so his smirky smile made my day!

He almost died at birth and when we brought him home from the PICU a week later, the dr.'s told me he'd be a scrawny, puny, frail boy. I ask you- does this 6'5" young man look puny, scrawny, or frail to you? :) God has a sense of humor I believe! No matter what the future holds, we are so very thankful that we've had 18 terrific years with him!!!

Boy, I love this young man!!!! I'm also posting a photo someone posted of him at the last JROTC campout when they went rappelling. He loves to do that!

If you've got little ones, hug them tight; they grow up before you know what happened!

And though I know he'll never look at this, I LOVE YOU MATTHEW LANE THOMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A confession, happy thoughts, and other little bits

First, my confession. Please forgive me. :) I used to be a little judgmental of teachers who started counting down the days until the year's end way out in advance. I have to confess and ask forgiveness, because this year, that is me, sort of. I'm not counting out days, but I do know that I have been counting weeks for a couple months. I hate that, but it is what it is. In my defense, I will say, my counting is somewhat enhanced by the fact that in six weeks not only will I be saying "goodbye" to another group of children, but I will be saying, "hello" to my dear family back home and meeting my sweet niece for the 1st time who will be here at the same time for Matthew's graduation. And as for judging, I don't think I'll be doing that the next time I hear a teacher saying, "Only 179 days until the end of the year." hahahaha :) :) :)

I do love all my kids at school though, and there are a lot of them now. :) Something really nice was said to me today, and I hope you won't think I'm bragging, because HONEST, I'm not. I include it as one of my "I Like Me's" I do as per the instructions of Momma, Crystal, and Rachael. :) So ladies, here I go. A substitute bus driver was on one bus the past couple days, and today she called out to me as I walked by. She said, "I can tell you love these kids. I was watching you as you walked around out here, and it just shows that you really love the kids. I can see it all over your face." Made me feel so stinkin' good inside because I do love the kids at our school- a WHOLE LOT- and I am so glad it shows. Hopefully the kids notice that too.

We made pudding in a cup today as a Friday surprise for the kids. I am trying to do something each Friday afternoon for them to keep their spirits up as we are headed into testing insanity. The pressure is on, BIG TIME, and I want to protect them from that as much as I can, while hopefully motivating them to really try and do their best. A weird and difficult balancing act for sure! Our pudding fun was a bit challenged as we had to vacate the classroom for another classmate acting out, but we pulled it off without too much difficulty and the kids loved making pudding to take to other teachers. :) I always love teaching my kids to do for others and not just think of ourselves. Hope that life lesson sticks in their lives now & down the road!

I'm trying to come up with something fun and unique for next week, and the last week before EOG's, I want to do a dance-off sort of, kind of thing (I don't know, it sounds better in my head, and it's probably cheesy, but kids like cheesy). I am looking for inspirational, fun songs that will help them see how great they are and feel pumped up and excited and happy and all that.... Got any suggestions for me? The last day before testing begins, I am planning an EOG Carnival with review games and snacks and prizes and I hope to make it super fun but, of course, it will have to address learning objectives and have essential questions somehow for the visitors that are constantly criticizing.

Well, that's it for my rambling for now. Two grad school assignments to finish & submit by midnight. Rob & I are going on a lunch date tomorrow after he puts tires on my car, then groceries and grading papers/lesson plans. Church and a walk or two this weekend too. What are you doing this weekend? And if you can think of some good, clean, but pumped up kinds of songs for 3rd graders, leave me a note.

Love,

Beka :)

A Rollercoaster Day

Today has been a roller coaster kind of day for the emotions. Don't want to bore the one person who probably is reading. :) Don't want to bore myself or be a drama queen.

Let's just say I had to take Matthew to the doctor to help him get past the last obstacle to his admission into the Army. I'm about six million emotions wrapped up together, and it's a little hard to juggle today.

I came back from the dr.'s office to be greeted by a colleague yelling at me about my class and finding out that it was a big awful mess- suffice it to say true ugliness and that I am more embarrassed than I have ever been as a teacher. I keep trying to write about the day without saying anything I shouldn't or seeming like I'm just griping again. Best to just be quiet. Let me just say that some think I am not too soft or not strong enough or that I am a bad teacher- well they can take my class anytime. I doubt too many people would have hung in there this long, and I have dealt with a lot of stuff this year and still come back each morning. That seems like someone who is pretty strong and tough to me. I may look like a softy because I hug EVERY kid I know and most adults too. I may seem like I'm a big baby because I tear up and get so wrapped up in my kids, but I have been a momma for 21 years and a teacher for 17, and I have a firm hand and can be the bad guy when I need to be. I may not manage kids the way other teachers would, but I do get results.

So, I'm going to go crawl in bed with my best friend, cry on his shoulder, try to sleep a bit, get up and do it all over again tomorrow. Just, God, pretty please can tomorrow include no racial slurs, threats, chairs, physical attacks, stealing, cursing, or other yucky stuff? And if you could either keep the visitors away or help them to see the good in me and mine, that would be really, really nice and just plain refreshing too. Okay? Thanks!

What Easter is All About- He Loves Us Anyway!

This is one of my all-time favorite songs- I love the message.

"I am the thorn in His brow, but He loves me anyway. I am Judas' kiss, but He loves me anyway."

I cannot fathom why or how He loves me, but I am so thankful that He came, died, and rose again to show us all His love- a love that no one else has ever been able to duplicate.

I hope wherever you are, you have a wonderful Easter, but most of all I hope you see His love in Your life, and that you experience Christ in a way you have never known before.

With much love & Happy Easter,

Beka :)

My Catch-up List

I have been so far behind on home, grad school, sleep, and just barely keeping up on work these days. I have a huge list of things to do over this three days off, and I usually plan way more than I can do- both in the classroom and at home, but I am working on getting some things done. So far, so good. One grad school project started (out of the three last big projects left), the capstone exam is done (now just one final exam to go), working on mopping & the bedroom closet tonight.

Thank you Heavenly Father for some time to get a little caught up. Only You know how truly overwhelmed and behind and frazzled I was starting to feel on the inside. It truly was approaching a panic level, and if I hadn't gotten this time off, I'm not sure what I would have done.

Back to my work I go. Making a breakfast casserole for the fam for tomorrow morning and next up, dinner & mopping. :)

You will have to smile!

Saw this today on Facebook and had to laugh. How could you not when you see this cute baby laughing hysterically?

I made it to spring break!

Today began my three day reprieve from all things insane :). I had to work like a crazy woman, but I was able to leave Tuesday afternoon with EVERYTHING planned and prepared for both myself and my tutor- all copies done, spelling words loaded online, lessons prepared, copies done and stapled and filed... kind of scary being that with it. :)

I was beyond thrilled when my body and mind mostly cooperated and let me sleep in- something I can rarely ever do. After Rob and the kids all left for work, college, and high school, I drifted off to sleep and dozed until mid-morning. I felt guilty because I am Rebekah, it is what I do. But it felt sooooo wonderful, and I felt more rested than I have in ages and ages! I stayed in my pj's until I left this afternoon to pick up my kids. :) The rough draft for one of my grad school projects is now done. Tomorrow I hope to start polishing it up. I have that and the summative 2 year program capstone exam to do this week. Then two or three more projects/assignments, the course final exam and the capstone portfolio and I will be done in one month.

This afternoon, I picked up Barbara, ran her to High Point to trade uniform pants, went to Winston/K'ville/Walktertown-wherever East is actually at???? to get Matthew and take Rob supper. We came home and ate the YUMMO chicken/bean tacos I had started in the crockpot, took Barbara to work, and then Matthew and I took Samson along for my walk. Matthew was my DI and did cadences for us to walk to and set a pretty brisk pace for me. I shaved a few minutes off my time today. :) I sure wish it would get a smidge easier so I could go further or that I could walk faster, but I'll get there eventually. I keep telling myself to be patient, that in a year I will see a big difference.

As Matthew and I were dropping Barbara off a song came on the radio, can't remember the name of the song, but it's about wishing for one more day - "One more day, one more time, I'll be satisfied.... but it'd leave me wishing still for one more day with you..." Couldn't help thinking of how my "baby" is soon to graduate from high school. Soon this stage of our lives as parents will be over. We're still waiting to hear from the Army as to the disposition of Matthew's enlistment. He has an appointment next week to see his ENT to schedule a surgery/procedure that the Army is requesting. Matthew is hoping that this will remove the final block to let him in. If you'd be in prayer for this, I would appreciate it as would Matthew.

I am so thankful for God's help in making it to this small break, for time spent with my children and husband, for still working on living healthier and getting smaller eventually, and for a little rest- I am soooo in need of that!

Hope you are having a great week wherever you are!

Beka :)

God so loved the world...

Yesterday there were severe storms here in NC (and throughout the Southeast). According to the news, this is the worst outbreak of storms and tornadoes here in 30+ years. At least 20 people died from the tornadoes in NC yesterday.

Today, as I was looking on a weather website, I saw a few comments about God's judgement on people as they talked about those storms and the people who died from them. One person even said, "God didn't like the people who died."

May I just say that makes me just really, really sad and mad all at the same time? Because it does. I am not God. I won't even pretend to know how His mind works or why He does what He does or allows what He allows. But seriously???? I'm pretty sure the Bible says "For God so loved the world that He sent His only Son..."

Unless I'm mistaken, those people that died, or the people who died in Japan's earthquake/tsunami, or the people who died in the tsunami a few years ago, or the people who died or are still suffering in Haiti or the people who have died in any other number of natural disasters or tragedies, or the people who just die because they get cancer or are in the wrong place at the wrong time....

ALL those people were part of the "world" God so loved. So maybe God is sending judgement, I don't know. But to say that He didn't love those people is just biblically wrong. At least in my opinion. I'm so tired of Christians and those "well-meaning" people who say those stupid things out in public or, even worse, to the hurting who are left behind after these things.

Maybe God did it, maybe God allowed it, maybe it had nothing to do with God at all, but was instead just part of the world/nature. Either way, I'm pretty sure God loves the people (all the people in the world) and it pains Him to have hard things happen to the ones He loves.

Perhaps if we all stopped trying to make bad things some one's fault, and just tried to comfort those who are hurting, help those who are injured, house those who are homeless, love those who are lonely, maybe the world would be a better place. Maybe we'd hurt people less and do more for the God we are trying to live for.

Just my thoughts tonight on the day after a rainy, stormy day.

Is it Friday yet?

I am so weary. But I'm home with my family- most of them. I am not sleeping well; I am working like a crazy person and haven't even gotten the taxes or my grad school assignments started. I am so overwhelmed with what I have to accomplish and am truly not being dramatic when I say that I cannot get it all done. I'll keep plugging away at it and juggling everything, but I am so tired and ready for this to be over. :)

I was told by the boss this week that after we return from break next week they will be ramping up the pressure on us teachers even more. Don't even know how that is possible at all, and honestly I'm afraid to see what is coming next.

Going to get back to work. Tackling things bit by bit and tonight's bit includes grading, starting lesson plans and a walk with Rob though I don't honestly feel like I can put one foot in front of the other. God help me through this and let me live to see the other side.

Whew, is it Friday yet?

Boy this has been quite the week already, and today was only Tuesday. Only.

Yesterday I got pulled into another drama at the soap opera, As the School Turns. Boy, do I hate drama! Nothing like being yelled at by a colleague!

Today's fun included getting slugged by a student amongst other "normal" daily fun.

Here's to hoping for some peace & quiet tomorrow. For us all!

My :) for today:

• a cancelled staff meeting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How often does that happen? and YEAH!!!!!!!!
• getting to pick up Matthew from school, go home and meet Robert and do the grocery run with them- THANKS boys for helping your mom!
• time spent with my sons!!! I sure do love those two young men!
• pizza from Elizabeth's Pizza- delicious!
• sore legs- hopefully that means something is going on good inside them :)
• my pants were falling off of me as we walked around the store- felt so nice to have to keep hiking them up :)
• BEAUTIFUL clouds and the sun trying to peak through this evening as the boys and I came home from the store
• a new MP3 player to replace the one that died- and I know this is totally silly but I like my new little player- when you turn it on, it says "Hello" and when you turn it off it says "Goodbye"- cool! :)
• getting picture mail from my sister of my ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL niece, Zoe!!!! She is so pretty! I cannot hardly wait to see her!

For Those Who are Perfect (or close to it)

Just an observation from someone who is so very far from perfect. If you feel you are gifted, talented, saintly, heroic, wise, patient, or any other admirable characteristic and you want to share it with those of us who are much less than you, a bit of advice.

You might approach someone less than you with a little sensitivity. Just a tiny bit of humility, sensitivity, or compassion would go a very long way. Remember what Mary Poppins sang- "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down..." It may be a silly movie and song, but there's a whole lot of truth in that line!

I Did It! I really, really did it!

I got to do something new today- an adventure I really was nervous to try but enjoyed and made it through with flying colors. :) I participated in my first 5K! (Yes, I did say 1st!) And though tired, and a little winded from that last hill, I made it without having to be pushed, pulled, or towed to the finish line.

That's right! Big ol' Rebekah, who would NEVER in her wildest imagination have dreamed this up, walked for a really long time! :) I had the company of my devoted husband, an adorable, sweet friend, Matthew, for whom we were all walking, and his wonderful family. I enjoyed talking with others and most of all just getting to walk with some really nice people!!! Crystal & Bryan, I love you and your little man so very much!!! Thanks for letting me (and Rob too) join Matt Matters and allowing me to love your little boy and be a part of his life too!!!!!

So back injury, hurting knee, and crazy work/college schedules aside, I am not a failure. I, me, Rebekah Rose Thomas- I can do this!!! I was really having a hard time lately with my back and life being so crazy and feeling like a failure. I got in the car and realized what I had done and started crying tears of happiness. For the first time, I felt what I think was a little pride in myself. I hope you'll understand- it's not the sinful, puffed-up kind of pride- just happy that I stepped waaay out of my comfort zone, didn't let my obesity rule my actions or limit what I did, and happy that I have stuck with exercise now for three months. :) When I started I was only walking 3/4 mile and huffing and puffing at the end of that. Today I walked over three miles and did it while talking, laughing and ended with a smile. :)

And if you'd like to give to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, it's not too late. Rob & I had each set a goal of $100. I have reached that goal thanks to an anonymous donor and my sister. You can still give to me or help Rob reach his goal of $100 or just give to our Matt Matters team. Thanks!

a very happy Beka :)

Happy Birthday Momma

April 8 the greatest Momma ever to live was born.

Happy Birthday Momma mine!

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so very thankful for you in my life!

Smile, it's almost Friday :)

I have done a killer lesson planning session this evening. Stayed at school until about 7 PM planning out my rotations and independent work and working on copying. Then came home and wolfed down some yummy supper- thanks to my old/young men for cooking a yummy dinner- and went back to planning. I finally have that done! :) Well, mostly, I still have guided reading to do- maybe. :) I missed seeing my Barbara Rose though as she was gone to work when I got home. :( I am not staying late more than one night a week anymore (I used to stay so late- but I can't say here how much/how late or I'd get in trouble with my Momma) :) :) :), and I hate having to do that. As it is, I am not compliant in several paperwork items I am supposed to have done, and will probably get written up for it, but with meetings five or more times a week during the day and after school, I don't know when we're supposed to do all this stuff.

For now, it's time to take my headache to bed. Nighty-night world!

My :) for today:

• We went to the symphony today- so neat! I've only gone to the symphony once a few years back when my parents took me - just them and me, oh, that was such a fun night, getting to go out with my parents as a grown-up, no kids, just my Momma, Pop, and me. :) Today brought back those good memories and made me smile thinking of them.
• Beautiful music- thank you God for music!!! They played music from various places around the world- loved that! My favorites were the African drum piece and the Argentinian dance piece.
• My class was almost saintly today on our trip. I was prepared with my "mean Mrs. Thomas" face (seriously have to share that story), but only had one episode with one student and the rest were GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOO proud of my kids! And soooo thankful that the "mean one" didn't have to come out today.
• Helped out another teacher who was called to jury duty. Made me feel good to be able to help someone else. I guess it might be conceited, but I like to feel needed and useful.
• Laughing with Rob while he read to me from one of our favorite teacher blogs as I worked. I did that for him last week while he worked; tonight was his turn. CRACKING me up!!!!
• And last, but not least, tomorrow is my Momma's birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Momma! :)

Sharing a thought

I read this the other day, and it was so timely, so what I needed. I asked the author if I could share it here.

You will be blessed I am sure!

Rebekah :)

My :) List today:

• Thai food with my young men tonight- just momma and her boys :) :) :)
• seeing Barbara for a few minutes as I took her to work- I miss the kids when they're gone so at least I got to see her tonight. :)
• having papers graded and entered into the grade book early tonight- yes!

:)

I have had another day at work, but I wanted to post some :) for myself.

• It stormed pretty hard for a few minutes last night- tore up a lot of trees in the area, power out... so thankful this morning that our home was still standing, no damage to the roof (we have to get a new roof in the near future), no trees down, no home or car damage, but most of all we were all safe and sound.
• Though she was terrified, our 20 year old daughter needed her "mommy & daddy" last night when she woke up, realized we were under a tornado warning and heard how bad the storm was. She came in our room and grabbed me. I hate that she was so frightened, but it felt good to still be needed by my child who is now grown. :) I hope she always has a need for her mommy. :) I know I still need mine!!!
• I know a lot of damage was done last night, and I am not happy for those who suffered from it, but I do love storms. I miss that so much since we moved here- being able to watch storms build and come in from miles and miles away. Watching the lightning and wind and rain come down.
• Students who give me lots of love too. I don't do my job for that, but it sure is nice- especially on the hard days when I deal with so many other issues.
• A special student who was absolutely perfect today!!! So proud of him!!!!
• God, who loves us all, in spite of our imperfections, our sins, our mistakes, our silliness and stupidity, our unworthiness. I have a lot of questions about God and a lot of things I used to think I knew that I doubt very much now. But I haven't given up on God, and I am thankful that He hasn't given up on me. I may not understand most things about Him. I don't have to. I'm counting on His unending mercy and grace.
• Rob, who has been my lifeline of late, especially. I LOVE YOU Rob Thomas!
• Our dog and cat playing- too cute! Poor Cinnamon gets tired of Samson sometimes, but he's also figured out how to get in tight places where Sam can't go. Cracks me up to watch Sam try to figure out how to get in there and when he can't listen to him give his short little bark, like "No fair! Come out & let me chew on you!" :) :) :)
• In a few more weeks I will see my family, the ones I love so dearly! I don't feel like I can make it, but I'm trying to hang on until then.

Good night! Praying you are well wherever you are! Don't forget that God loves us all! I know I'm trying to really remember that even though my feelings are all over the place right now!

Love,

Beka :)

the wall

I think I have found that proverbial wall I've heard people talk about. You know, the one you hit where your body says, "No more!"? Yeah, that one.

My back is healing but still giving me some pain, especially at night. :( Making for poor sleep. Add to that my already insomniac mind, the huge amount of work I had to do this weekend for work and grad school which kept me up way late, some food-poisoning ick over the weekend, some people I love and am concerned about, and I am now very sleep-deprived.

I started feeling my energy say "Adios" at lunch and by the second grade level meeting today, all I wanted to do was go home and crawl in bed. Which is exactly what I did. I left straight after the meeting and went home and crawled in bed. Rob and Matthew came home about six and found me there still. That is so not me.

I've got the bills paid finally now, and am going to grade a few papers, print a couple things I need, and make one math paper for my lesson tomorrow and I'm going to bed. I want to feel better and be sleeping well with a pain-free back.

Praying for some very special people who are facing life challenges or making important decisions. You know who you are, and I LOVE you!

Dear Zoe

Dear Zoe,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. How could your Aunt Beka let that happen??? You will soon be two months old! How can you let that happen? :) You are growing up so quickly, and I miss not being there to see each little change you go through, each stage of your life. I'm going to miss a lot of that, but please know how very much your Uncle Rob and I ADORE you!!!!

Your momma and daddy took a video of you and daddy talking last night and put it on Facebook. Uncle Rob and I have sat and watched it over and over and over since then. You make us just smile and smile and smile. You are such a pretty little girl, and your smile melts my heart! I loved hearing your voice trying to talk to your daddy.

I cannot wait to hold you, and talk with you and see you smile. Your Aunt Beka is a silly, crazy lady, so I know I'll make you smile a lot. I imagine all the fun things we can do together when you are here and when you visit us throughout your life. Momma says someday she's going to let you come spend summers with us. Uncle Rob & I talk about the things we'll do with you, things like go to the beach, camp in the mountains, go watch baseball games, and take you out to eat at our favorite restaurants (the Thai place, Rio Grande, Elizabeth's, Applebees- oh I'll have to get you hooked on the hot wings there!). The bookstore will be a MUST every time you come! I'll do crafts with you, and Uncle Rob will play ball or go for bike rides with you. We can read together or do puzzles or play games. We can make playdough and bake cookies, and I will have to teach you how to make a big ol' pan of lasagna so you can do that for your mommy who loves lasagna!

Until you're old enough for all that, we'll have to be penpals. I'll write you here but I'll write you "real" letters too. I can make you handmade cards, and you can draw or paint beautiful pictures for me to hang on my refrigerator and at my desk at school.

Speaking of school, I have to tell you a funny story. I am a teacher, so is Uncle Rob. This year I teach third graders (they're big kids compared to you). They were the first people I told about you the day you were born, and they cheered with me. We were all so excited that you came, and they bug me all the time to show your pictures to them. They love you too. :) I got a little netbook for my class a couple weeks ago, and my students were fussing at me that I didn't have your picture on it like I do my own computer. So finally, I took a few minutes to load some photos of you on there for them. I forgot about it. The next day at school, the computer was sitting on the little cart and we were all working at our desks/tables, when all the sudden a big group of kids started RUNNING to the computer and "ooohing" and "aaaahing." I couldn't figure out what they were doing until one of them shouted, "Hey guys, it's Zoe!!!! aaaaaawwwwww!" The kids were sooo excited to see you again, and they think you are beautiful too!

I told them you were coming to see us, and they are thrilled. They cannot wait to meet you. I think they like you maybe more than me. :)

Well, as you'll learn about your Aunt Beka, I talk too much sometimes. I think I better go work on my lesson plans and homework for college. I love you Zoe! Very much!

Until we get to meet, keep smiling and talking. We have lots to talk about.

Love always,

your Aunt Beka

My Boys

He's been gone for a very long time. I only knew him as a child and through the stories and memories of my momma. We had very little connection to anyone else who could keep him alive for us. So all these years later, it still strikes me as odd how strong the desire to have a connection to a person gone so long. Here I am a 40 year old woman, mother of three young adults, wife, teacher... and without warning, I can be that little girl who wishes he was still here and had not gone away.

I have no idea if my children really have any of him in them, or if it is merely wishing that they did that makes me want to see something of him in them. But tonight, as I worked on lesson plans and EOG prep work, missing my youngest son who is gone to take his military physical exam, I heard from upstairs the sounds of my oldest playing a song he created on his guitar. It is one of my most favorite pieces of music in the world. I don't know if Robert knows just how much I love his song. I looked up from my work and saw the family portrait taken the year before he died. I teared up, though I tried not to.

I know this will sound completely silly, but this 40 year old woman put down her schoolwork, took that portrait off the wall, sat it on the steps below the boy's bedroom, and and sat down beside it to listen to the music. I cried as I wondered what he would say about his grandsons. One plays a guitar like he did, loves music and church and is a hard-working young man. Robert has his feet and is hairy like he was. :) Matthew is trying to enlist in the military and has been strongly influenced by both his Papa and by this man he never knew but only heard about sometimes. He is tall- taller, even than his grandpa was. He has a sweet, gentle side, but also a hot temper. Both my boys have a good sense of humor and neat laughs and like to joke around and play pranks.

Oh, how much it can still hurt after all this time. I'm thankful for all my blessings, and I wouldn't have Rob or my children if he'd lived. But it still hurts. Even 29 years later.

Matthew

It's getting later and I need to be asleep. Story of my life, huh? :)

Just wanted to write down for myself to look back on. Tomorrow Rob will drive our "baby" - our youngest who almost didn't make it- to the Army recruiters' office where he will leave for Charlotte to go through MEPS. We are eagerly/anxiously/nervously/excitedly/ and a bunch of other -ly's waiting to hear the outcome of his physical. He scored VERY high on his military aptitude test, so he is off to a good start.

I have a lot of emotions and thoughts about all of this, especially since he is just 18 and soon to graduate high school. But above all, I want Matthew to choose the life path God has in store for him. As long as Matthew never parts company with Christ, I am at peace with the life he lives. If he pleases God, strives to stay as pure as one can, and looks to Him for guidance in his own life decisions, what more could I ask? Nothing!

I've not really "gone there" as there was just no need to cry, worry, stress, etc. over something that might or might not happen. I have no explanation except that I feel a peace about it- that whatever comes from it all, God will be with Matthew and God will be with us. In that sense, I am okey-dokey. :) I just am starting to realize that my child, my youngest child, my first child to leave, may be leaving me sooner than I had ever pictured. I have to start getting ready to say the "big" goodbye. The momma in me is not ready for that, but I know I'll be okay.

God, you gave him to us. He almost was taken from us, but for whatever reason, You spared his life, and I am thankful- oh so thankful- for the 18 years we've had together with Matthew Lane. He's yours, I know. I give him back to you now. We've done what we were commanded to do- raise him up in the knowledge of You and train him to have a relationship with You. Now I do my very best to release him back into Your hands (in whose hands he's been all along), and I have to trust You. Help me to do that. Help Rob to do that. Help us to let him go when the time comes - be it to Uncle Sam or whoever/whatever.

Thanks God!

42 years

Today would have been my parents 42nd wedding anniversary. I am so thankful for parents who loved each other and us girls.

So thankful for a Momma still with me (she almost wasn't) and a few good memories of a daddy who loved us.

Momma, if you read this, Happy Anniversary. Thank you for everything you gave up for us girls, for the love you have given and always will give us, for your Godly example, for being my friend.

With much love,

your BekaBoo

Quiet weekend

My house is quiet right now- it's happening more and more in the past couple months. The kids are growing up and slowly preparing us for the empty nest. That's a bittersweet thought, some days more bitter, some more sweet.

We had a great time of laughter (Rob & I) with Momma yesterday and that was sooooo nice. We may be 1,000 miles away from the ones we love, but we try hard to stay close. It felt good to help Momma laugh at a really hard time in her life too. I LOVE my Momma (in case you hadn't noticed), and I LOVE when I can give back to her just a portion of what's she's done for me.

I woke up yesterday with a killer headache, and it has not gone away since. Driving me crazy. I am also extremely achy, exhausted, and my back continues to really bother me (and that just needs to stop!). I have not felt this tired in a long, long time, and I've been pretty worn out for a while. I wonder if this is a bug or if my body is trying to speak to me. :)

I finally got the interactive white board stuff through Donors Choose and have spent part of this weekend trying to learn how to use it and downloading lessons for this week. I'm excited to finally have this tool and learn how to use it. I KNOW my kids are going to love it!!!!

It promises to be a very busy week. Two mandatory evening events at my school, a workday (with meetings and report cards), a daytime school event, my intern teaching a lesson (and my paperwork for that), the tutor starting (hopefully the kids take to her without too much drama) and all the normal busy-ness.

Somewhere in all this I have two grad school projects looming on the horizon plus this week's homework. I have no clue where I'm going to get it all done, especially feeling like this, but God always helps me to find a way. I just wish I felt better. It's no fun slogging along feeling icky.

Many, many thanks to those of you who prayed for my kids last week during benchmarks. The final results were not what the higher-ups wanted, but I was EXTREMELY proud of my class. There was a lot of growth in many ways, and I saw my kids trying harder than they ever have before.

Please pray for Kari and her family. My parents could use prayer too.

Thanks! Hope wherever you are, it's a great week!

Pray for Kari

Please pray for this family. The situation is very grave.

Thinking of You

Here it is again, the day of the year I like least. March 25. I tried to not think about it today, and had plenty of other not-so-much-fun things to occupy my mind at work. And I know it's stupid to say it here to you- like you can read a dumb blog in heaven. :) hahahaha That is funny to think of. :) You, up there, in some heaven-internet cafe. ;) I crack me up sometimes. :)

Even though you left us a long time ago you are still missed. This year your youngest grandson will graduate from high school. And though he doesn't "know" you personally, he wants to go in the military like you and his Papa. You influenced him somehow even though you were gone. Kind of cool, huh? I think of you often, even after all these years, but I'll be thinking of you more in the next few months as I prepare for the "baby" of our family's graduation and possible enlistment. Oh, how I wish you could know your grandchildren. I wish you could be there for Jessica and could know her daughter. I find myself mad at you again lately since Zoe was born. But, I know that's silly too.

Mostly I just think of you and wish you could know us and our kids and our husbands. But life is funny, God is good, and He has taken care of us.

Anyway, just a note to some dead dude in heaven to say you are still loved and thought of and missed even now so many years later.

With much love, your daughter,

Rebekah :)

God smiled in my classroom

I know it might sound silly to those who don't know me, and maybe to some who do, but I walked around my classroom this week during benchmarks and just prayed silently, in my head, for each child as they began their tests this week, each day. I prayed that God would help them not become frustrated or overwhelmed. I prayed that He would give them peace and wisdom and help them to know what to do, what the questions/problems were asking for, and know how to solve them.

And, right there in my public school classroom, I felt God's presence with me. I knew that He was smiling down on us. No songs in the background, no band playing, no "holy" stuff from church or people saying things that church people say that, to be perfectly honest, often annoy me (and yes, I know I'm wrong for that, but I'm being honest here). No hallelujah's or "praise the Lord's" or anything. Just a teacher walking her room, and the sound of pencils scratching on paper. But there was God among a group of kids in a down & out school with their obese, big-mouth, struggling third grade teacher. And I'm not quite sure, but I think God might have been smiling with me in pride at how far my kids have come.

Third graders, I know you'll never see this, but your Mrs. Thomas ABSOLUTELY WITH EVERYTHING IN HER ADORES YOU and always will!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today the "judgment" already started and tomorrow is a full day of listening to/talking about how bad our scores are and how much we failed and how bad we are and "what are you going to do about it..." Knowing me, after a few hours of this, I'll probably get disgusted and fed up and go home a little (or a lot) angry. But I'm hoping I can remember that for a little while this week, God smiled down on us.

My kids and I have grown, we have worked hard, we have all learned about life, about third grade stuff, about how to learn and how to teach and how to grow as a person. I think, no, I KNOW that my kids and I are better people for working together, though it has been a hard growing time for many of us. Those are things that matter. The "people" above me have to look at numbers, but in the end, my kids are just numbers to them. My kids are, and always will be, people whose faces and personalities are engraved on my heart. I will carry little bits of them with me throughout my life, and I hope they will carry part of me with them wherever they go. That is what being a true teacher is about. Not some test score.

Benchmarks Day 1 and a big I Like Me thought

Day one of third quarter benchmarks are behind us. I will leave the judgement to those higher than me or to my colleagues who will decide how successful or unsuccessful my students and I were. I'm sure to be notified by one or both of those groups sooner or later.

As for my opinion, I was PROUD PROUD PROUD of my kids today. I was, quite literally, moved to tears by the level of effort I saw in my room, the amount of hard work I saw, the perseverance I saw displayed by all my kids. They made me proud long before I got the scores. And that hard work, perseverance and effort did pay off in some big improvements for many and almost all of my kids went up from last quarter's scores.

Take that you stupid test! Take that school district. The kids and I really don't care what you have to say!!!! I taught my heart out and they worked their hardest. So there. :P

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

And my other thought for the day is this. Allow me to introduce myself, in case you hadn't met me before.

My name is Rebekah. To a very small few, I am sometimes called Beka. To a very few, special cousins, I am BekaBoo. I am also "Mom" or "Mommy." During the day you might hear me referred to as Mrs. Thomas or Mrs. T.

Who I am not?

• Miss Perfect whose room and home is pristine, whose lesson plans are wonderful, whose husband, children, home, nails, clothes, oh generally everything is exactly as she wants it to be. Who looks perfect and knows she is such a wonderful human being. I have a big butt, great children who are NOT perfect, a house that is never quite clean enough with floors you would definitely not want to eat off of, and am way too big mouthed & sensitive, and too many other faults to ever be this person.

• Miss I am God's Gift- I can never be her. She is a notch about Miss Perfect and she knows it.

• Miss Organized- I could never be her either. I've moved too many times, have taught to many things, and accumulated too much stuff. Add to that, living in a smaller home and having most of my teaching things in storage, running three million directions on any given day to pick up & deliver various young people to work, school, church or other places, grad school, and who knows what else- well, I'm just not to her level either, and likely will never be.

• Miss Know-a-Lot - This lady is cousin to "Miss Know It All" - she may or may not be as obnoxious as her cousin depending on the day. I could try to do this, I suppose, but I know, only too well, what I do not know and how much that is. I would be such a liar if I even tried to act like this.

• Miss You Should Do What I Do/Say/Think/Feel- I don't know why, but I just don't care if you agree with me or do what I say/think/feel. You are free to be different. Please allow me to be also. Now, this might not necessarily apply to my children. ;) hahahaha Just kidding!

• Miss Smug/Arrogant/Want-to-Impress, Shmooz- This person is only interested in appearances and how she can advance herself through dressing fine, kissing up, and looking good to her higher ups- but doesn't care one iota how she treats those beneath her.

I am just me, Rebekah, Mom, Mrs. T, Beka... big mouthed, VERY loud laugher, too sensitive at times, waaaay too critical of myself (could be called a self-hater but I'm working on that), hugger extaordinaire.

But I'll tell you what kind of teacher/mom I am- Miss I Love Them All!!!! And guess what, I like that about me, and I am NOT going to change that one little itty bit!!!! So no matter what judgment heads my way on Friday or any other day coming up, I'm going in with this little chip on my shoulder. I may not be "as good" as the rest of them, but I am not changing who I am. I am going to teach my kids for life, not for the test. I am going to hug and love them all, and know that is what is truly important to their lifelong success. I am going to like me too- no matter what!

Benchmark Prayers

This week will be the third quarter benchmark exams at our school. Please pray for the students of my school. They need your prayers, and so do all the teachers who are getting a lot of pressure and negativity. And so do those who are doing the pressuring and negativity as they are feeling it from higher up too.

Some of my third grade friends have an especially hard time during benchmark testing, and it affects them and the whole class, making it harder for us all to focus and do our best. Please pray for peace to fill my classroom and my children's hearts and minds.

I would also appreciate prayer because I have a sick back, and I am in a great deal of pain. Last week was rough, and I am hurting so much today I can hardly move. Without God's help, it will be a long, miserable week.

Thanks!

peaceful Saturday with my best friend :)

Aaaahhhh, it's been a peaceful Saturday, and I am so thankful! Rob was out of town from last Sunday morning until Wednesday night with a school trip to New York & D.C. Then work of course on Thursday, and I had to work a school function Thursday night. Work Friday and Rob worked the baseball game last night. So we haven't really seen each other or had time to talk. I missed him a LOT!

Barbara and Matthew went to Acquire the Fire this weekend, so they've been gone last night and all day today. Robert worked both jobs today, so we've had a quiet house. We went out to lunch and just talked, went and got our groceries, worked together cleaning and reorganizing the frig & pantry and just took a long walk together. I sure do love that man!!!!

Now we'll cook some supper, do some school work, watch some movie and enjoy the quiet a little longer. So glad we can finally have time being in the same house at the same time. I love just having him close by!

Asparagus

Oh, asparagus, I owe you my sincerest apologies. When I was a child, I used to go with my momma to Bohn's farm where she would get fresh asparagus. I remember how much she liked it. I remember how she always made us eat our food and wanted us to not be picky, but oh, how I hated asparagus. I never liked it as a child, and hadn't eaten it in years since I left home.

Then my oldest son made some for us a couple years ago, and oh how good it was. I have been eating it since and each time I wonder, What in the world was I thinking? Why didn't I like it? What in the world was wrong with me? All these years I missed out on this yummy and healthy food! I must have been a brat or something to turn up my nose at you, lovely asparagus! Please forgive me!!!

Rebekah :)

(photo from: http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=10000001087034)

News Piece

Rob, Barbara, and I got to be part of one of "Ms. Melissa's" news pieces. Melissa is a journalist that has been volunteering with my class for four years. We had fun doing this together! :) Thanks, Melissa for including us!!!!

Someone very dear to me tagged me with this video on Facebook. Wow, is all I can say.

This line- "What if your healing comes through tears?" So, God, do you heal other people's hearts from my tears? 'Cuz if You do, then I know a lot of kids whose lives will end up better for all the gobs of tears I've shed for them. If that could be true, then it would be worth it all.

Prayers

Jumping on here really quickly as it's almost 11:30 PM, and I should be in bed, asleep- but as usual, I am not. :)

Praying tonight for Japan- their troubles don't seem to be ending anytime soon.

Still praying for Haiti whose troubles seem so overwhelming from what I read.

Praying for my sister.

Praying for my Pop.

Praying that Rob comes home safely from his trip. I miss him and he is missing us really badly!

Praying I can do everything that needs to be done this week. And that I sleep well this week alone (well with the dog anyway). :)

Night!