a boulder, a pebble, a grain of sand- a lesson for rebekah

I grew up in the Midwest, land of the mighty Mississippi & corn. The closest I ever got to seeing the ocean was when my hubby & I took the kids camping at Lake Michigan- wow! that was amazing- water for as far you could see.

But that was nothing compared to a cold day in March 2005, when a not-so-thrilled husband took me across an unknown land called North Carolina to see the ocean both of us thinking "we'll never be back here again so we might as well see it now." That was one act of sacrifice Rob made for me, not too happily, but nonetheless he did it anyway as he knew how badly I wanted to see it.

WOW! Now THAT was amazing! The water was COLD and the sound was awesome! I even saw surfers out that day, which I thought was really cool. I didn't know people surfed anywhere except the west coast & Hawaii. :) :) :)

Then, a few months later we moved to North Carolina after all, and we spent the last of our moving money to take the kids to see the ocean & to visit the warship my grandfather fought on in WWII. All the way out there, one of my kids kept making comments about how it wasn't a big deal, just a big bunch of water.... until, he too saw it. I heard his gasp as he walked over the dune & the grass and saw the ocean for the first time.

What I learned that second trip is just how powerful the ocean is. I couldn't hardly stand up in the surf. Now I know I have lousy balance & that was a lot of it, and I'm not exactly a small or in-shape person & that was a lot of it, but still the waves have so much power to knock you down, pull you in or out depending on what they want to do. I've since read about riptides more too as I sometimes see the warnings for the coast about strong riptide currents... Yeah, those waves may be beautiful but they can be dangerous and deadly.

So, now, today I'm thinking about the waves and the ocean and their power. I've seen lots of pictures of places where the waves come in and slam into the rocks and create huge splashes of water. Where we visited the ocean, the water just rolls in and flows over the sand. The sand moves in and out with the water, not resisting, but just letting the water move it. There's a lesson here- a few actually, I think.

As we walked along the beach we found all kinds of broken shells and small pebbles, all worn smooth from the action of the water. Some were quite pretty, but they didn't get to be so smooth and beautiful though from just being that way. It was months and months, who knows maybe years or even decades of being washed over, slammed into, and worn by the water & waves. Okay, so maybe I'm weird, but I think about one of those pebbles or, wow- even a grain of sand that was once a big boulder perhaps. What did they look like before the waves came into their life? Were they just a big pile or a high, hard wall sitting on the coast somewhere? How far had they journeyed to get to the NC coast? What storms did they go through in the ocean before they landed on this beach? And what now of their life? In & of themselves, they are just some tiny little pebble or grain of sand, but together with the other millions of pieces of sand and pebble and shell, they are a beautiful beach where living things find a home and thousands of people come to see the glory (whether they know it or not- God's glory) and wonder of the ocean.

So, how does this apply to me?

I've been sitting here looking up verses about the waves & ocean & sand. Don't know exactly why except that I know there's a lesson here for me, that's been waiting for three years to come out.

I see countless verses in the Bible throughout the Old & New Testaments where it talks about how God controls the waves & the sea. He is the Creator, so it stands to reason that He controls them.

Sometimes, God creates the waves. And if I've learned anything about Him, it's that there is always some lesson, some reason for what He does.

Psalm 107: 25, 28-30 "...For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves... Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven..."

So, why would He put storms and waves into my life? Maybe it's because of something I've done- a natural consequence of my own actions. Maybe it's to get my attention focused back on Him or to remind me to watch Him more closely. Maybe it's because I need to rely on Him more and me less. Maybe it's because He needs to guide me to the "desired haven" & I can't get there on my own. Maybe it's because it's just life- yeah, that's probably often the case & I didn't see it at the time, but "life" happens to us all.

Here's what I do know. Those waves smash into the tiny rocks and big boulders & high cliffs all the same. Over time, those waves have a cumulative effect of weathering and wearing down a rock, or pebble, or even those giant cliffs. They get worn down, smoothed out, and made into something smoother, prettier and less rough around the edges. They lose their individuality in some ways, I guess, but they are able to become part of a whole that serves a greater purpose than that one rock or boulder by itself. I mean no one would go walking around on a beach made of sharp, jagged stones that would cut your feet- well few of us would anyway. And when the waves of life come, the small pebbles and grains of sand are able to just move with God's flow and go where He wants them to be.

I don't want to be a hard-headed, stubborn, self-reliant person that can't lean on God. I need Him to come weather down some more rough edges in my life (yeah, I know what some of them are & I'm sure there are some more He's just waiting to show me when I can handle it or when the time is right). So I guess that means that I ride some of these waves of life and go with it until this storm is over- be it a storm of $, storm of health, storm of hormones, or whatever. I guess it doesn't really matter if I even know the source or why it's storming does it? All that matters is that the great Creator is with me in it all, and He won't let me drown and that He'll use these rougher times to create a better, prettier, less jagged-edged Rebekah that can serve His purpose better.

God, once again I surrender the rudder to you. I don't like storms and difficulties, but I know You are with me even when I don't see You, feel You, or get the answer I want or think I need. Please guide me through these waves to the haven You have chosen for me. Help me to make it through without totally losing my cookies (yeah, there's that pride again, huh Lord?) It sure does keep creeping in there. I think that's truly the problem. It's not so much the storm as I don't want to lose control of my emotions or let others know that I'm not okay. I'm scared of being judged (have already been so by a few), don't want to "look" like less than a wonderful person.... Yeah, so that's the lesson here isn't it? I guess the sooner I swallow all that pride, the sooner this one will end. At least I hope so.

Until You guide me home in the end, I'm relying on You,
Rebekah

A Wedding

God,

It's me again. There's a wedding today in Galena, Illinois. It's my sister's. Where am I? Here in North Carolina. God, do you know how much this hurts?

I know it's not about me, so all I can do is let the tears flow and ask You to bless the two of them. Give them a long life filled with joy, love, laughter, and You. Bless them with their hearts' desires and help them to grow closer to You and to each other as the years pass.

And on a selfish note, help me to get my "stuff" stuffed back in to its places here in a few minutes before I have to go to church. I kind of doubt that the parents of the infant nursery will want to leave their precious babies in the arms of a blubbering, hysterical, emotional idiot such as me.

Your somewhat crazy child,
Rebekah

Meet a Miracle

Okay, so now that I've been all serious and journalled my guts out, opening myself up to show my true "ugly" side (boy I'm scared about being that honest), let me share this with whoever might come along. :)

You see that button to the side- the MckMiracle one? Well you should go visit this site! I "found" MckMama late spring sometime I think & have been reading her blog ever since. God healed her son- a true miracle- through the prayers of TONS of people who were also following her online. I know the internet can be used for a lot of creepy things, but God can use it too. Her baby, Stellan, was supposed to die in utero, was supposed to not make it, was supposed to maybe survive birth but have all kinds of problems, was supposed to have a severe heart condition. BUT, God took their lives in a whole 'nother direction, and Stellan was born and is now doing great at home- no problems, no death....

Wow, those two words- but, God- well, there' s no other words needed. In fact, that has me thinking about looking for other "but God's" in the Bible. Hmmm... Maybe that's just what I need right now. Wow, God you're amazing! I start this blog entry to enter MckMama's Fryday contest, after blogging my heart out and being honest with You, myself, & a few people who read my blog, and then You show me something to do that is just what I need. God is truly amazing!

So anyway, go "meet" MckMama. If I hadn't "gotten fixed" that would have been me- four kids 3 & under! I had three kids under 3 at one point. :) Of course, I was not as "with it" as this mom since I was so young & poor & in college, but hey, I made it & they were awesome kids in their own right and now awesome young adults! :) Seriously, want to read some uplifting stuff? Go read about Stellan's short life but big journey so far!

Early Morning Reflections

It's early on Saturday, and I'm sitting under a blanket in the family room so I don't disturb the sleeping boy that's back here. :) I took this photo of the changing sky (I kind of liked the shadows in the picture) and can't get back to sleep so I am just thinking a lot of random thoughts, topped with being VERY VERY thankful for some sleep and sleeping in my bed too!


This post is going to be a mish-mash of personal stuff that will more than likely make no sense to anyone but me & hopefully God. I promise that I may be "a nut" and half crazy, but I'm going to be okay, just a mix of sleep deprived, hormonal, emotional, homesick, lonely, tired, disappointed.... riding along with THRILLED, EXCITED, GRATEFUL, THANKFUL, HAPPY, AMAZED, CONTENT.... Let me tell you these complete opposites of emotions make for a fun daily ride as I go up & down depending on the moment, situation, and I'm ready to get off this roller coaster ride. Only a woman could feel so many emotions at once, and though I'm grateful to be a mom, wife, & daughter, I could do without these emotions. I wouldn't mind having a man's more simple, one-track brain & hormones. :) :) :)



If you are a family member or coworker, please know that I going to journal here some very personal things I am going through, feelings, emotions, worries, disappointments. It is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, but to actually help my own by getting some "junk" out of me. I have been going through some things (maybe not serious or life threatening or as serious as what someone else is facing, but hard none-the-less) & I've been trying to deal with them just by talking to God, venting to Rob, and "sucking it up," but it's not working. I feel like I have to get them out of my system and that maybe if I put them here I will feel better. I started to not post this publicly, but it is my blog & I think I'm fairly transparent/darn near see-through to most people anyway & I am who I am, so I'm not going to hide this "ugly" side of me. I'm going to take a big risk, admit to everyone that I have some seriously ugly stuff in me, and put this out here and hopefully anyone who decides to read the whole stupid thing will understand me a little better and still like me and think I'm okay when they're done- well okay, I really want you to think I'm wonderful, tremendous, terrific, perfect..., but if you can just like me well, that's good too.

Thank you God for:

• allowing my back to allow me to sleep in my bed 5 of the past 6 nights in my own bed which I haven't done in over a year now!
• touching my back and helping it to finally begin healing!
• medicine & You that let me sleep at least 6 hours each night of this week
• helping me to get enough sleep to feel a little better physically this week
• unconditional love- Yours most of all, even though I often doubt it, I'm thankful, so very, very thankful for it. I know someday I will see You- oh my goodness I can't fathom that- & then I will never have to doubt it or myself in Your grace anymore- I can't wait for that day as this Rebekah down here gets so old to put up with. She can be a real drag sometimes! :)
• blessing us with our 1st home in a few weeks!!!!! This was a dream that many years ago I'd laid aside "for the moment" knowing I'd be able to pick it up in Your time, though I often doubted if that time would ever come. Thank You for letting it finally be Your time. Your time is always best, and though I sometimes don't keep that in mind, I do know You know what is best for us. There have been a lot of disappointments and frustrations along the way, but I'm so thankful that You've been with us in it all and are here with us in the good too. I almost feel guilty for being blessed. I know that's silly and another way I'm a bit crazy, but it's just a feeling and I'm going to take the blessings and run with them. I know they'll be other rainy days ahead too and days when I don't feel blessed (had lots of those in the past and recently), so I know it's okay to take a blessing and just be thankful. You can be sure Rob & I will use this blessing to bless others however we can! I can't wait to move in to this blessing! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
• my wonderful husband. Wonderful just doesn't do him justice. He hasn't always been so wonderful, and we certainly have had some very rough spots in this marriage of ours, but I'm so thankful for him. Thank You for leading him into my life so long ago. He's been my best friend and through all of the physical stuff these past few months I'd never have made it without him standing with me. I know I have You, but I think You will understand what I mean. You're "here" & are my rock & the One I cry out to and try to live for and I need that more than anything, but You don't come down "here" and hold my head when I cry, squeeze my hand at a dr.'s appointment, listen to me... in the physical way that He does. He is being Your servant by doing those things & taking care of me, and I thank You for giving him to me to be here for me in the bad as well as the good. I know You'd be proud of the way he has been here with me.
• Little Things- that maybe really aren't such little things after all such as
• beautiful lawns, woods/forests, fields filled with fallen leaves- that is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me- colorful leaves all over the ground
• a child's smile, laughter & hug- my classroom is filled with it and it makes things right on even the worst days- it brightens my days, my life & I'm a better person for it
• a November snow- another thing that just thrills me for some strange reason- November snows rarely ever stick or stay long, but they are just exciting- back home a promise of more to come, here just a reminder of memories of home, childhood, happy days & though Your birthday has absolutely nothing to do with snow of course, a snowfall makes me think of & feel like it's more Christmas-y. I know God, I'm truly a nut, but You made me. :) I hope at least once in a while, I bring a smile to Your face. Wow! That would be so neat to know I somehow made the great Creator smile. :) That's pretty deep! I truly do wish that I would bring a smile to Your face often. Which brings me to the down part of this ride I'm so very, very sick of.

The yucky emotions & swings I keep having the past couple weeks are so tiring Lord. I could really do without these. :) All I want is to please You. I so desire to be one of these people who despite what they go through always just "show" You to those around them. You know what I mean. People that just sing Your praise & glow and people sense You in them. I'd like to think I was one of those people, but I'd only be kidding myself. I know I'm not.

I just can't stand myself Lord. I don't know how to even stop this self-hate, let alone like me.

NC's version of snow in November

We woke up to a light snow on the ground in November!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks God for a pretty blanket to wake up to, only You & Rob know how much this means to me!

Rebekah :)

our new yard in the fall

Well, okay, I recently posted photos from "our yard" which isn't actually "ours" as we rent. BUT, these next photos are going to be our yard- for real. :) And this is how it looks in the fall this year. :) Next year it will even better because we'll be there, living in it. :)

So for now, here are a few photos of the house we signed a contract on today- our first home. 20 years, & 3 months -1day from our wedding, Rob & I are finally being blessed with our first home. :) THANKS GOD!!!!!! You couldn't have given this to two more grateful people!!!!

Here is the new house (soon to be our house) from the corner as you approach. :) It has several big, TALL trees in the back and is a good size city lot (which I'm happy about!)

Here is the house from the street.

Closer view- LOVE the lamppost!!!

covered car parking port thingy- sound like Barbara Rose now :) & the gate into the fenced off backyard

This part of the backyard is right off the house- there is a door from the laundry room out to this enclosed part. The privacy fence needs just a small amount of repair. There is more backyard behind this fence, several large trees, a rusted out shed (maybe we can replace down the road), and this chain-link fenced in area with a small dog run which is all overgrown now, but we'll clear out for Samson to use at least some of the time.

Pop, I've already been thinking how I can move the stones around the tree to include it in part of the flower bed as the roots are sticking out here and there isn't much grass here. :)
From the side of the house looking back behind the privacy fence- the shed is in sad shape & needs to be replaced, but isn't that tree pretty? :) Can you see how tall the trees are? I can't wait to see how this all looks in the spring with the leaves coming back.
From the side of the house looking out towards the corner of the lot & the corner- a nice neighborhood

We went back to the house after signing the contract to pray together & thank God :). Of course while Rob & I walked around, and around, and around and talked, the boys decided to be their usual selves- clowns. Here is Robert trying to pretend to "break in" in front of the ADT security sign. Matthew was the photographer, & of course they got to plotting great poses, like the following. What's more dangerous than one teenaged boy? Two! :)

Today's :)'s

Today I am thankful for getting about (give or take a 1/2 hour) 8 hours of sleep last night. Momma, I was in bed at 9:00 to read my Bible, and drifted off sometime after 9:30ish.

I am thankful for being prequalified by a bank for a house loan today. That is an ABSOLUTE, TOTAL, & COMPLETE miracle in itself, as my family only will truly understand how far we've come in just a few years time.

I am thankful that God is in control, regardless of whether I always can see it or know it, and that even when I don't feel too good, He is still there.

He truly does stick closer than a brother, or son/daughter, or husband, or sister, or friend, or mother/father. He loves me- faults and all. I sure need that unconditional love right now it seems more lately.

Well, I'm going to go check my student's work for the day and crash again early. I am so tired and can hardly keep my eyes open.

our yard in the fall

Fall sure comes late here in this part of North Carolina. A few photos from our yard today.

Donors Choose Project # 3

I'm not trying to annoy anyone or beg, but my 3rd homework bag proposal is about to expire. I was planning on just letting it expire, and purchasing some of the items myself as I have a few dollars here or there. I am excited though because when I checked on it today, I have had two new donors in the last few days, and it needs $355 to get funding. If you know of anyone who would like to give, please ask them to visit my proposal's site.

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=192414


Anyone can give anything- even $1. Thank you for helping me help my students & families!

P.S. I should add that I now have 14 bags completed and visiting the children each weekend. The K's & 1st's are, literally, begging for the bags during the week and counting days on the calendar until Fridays. :) I have made/am making several more bags on my own (with my own funds) and have supplemented all the bags with Walmart/Dollar Tree finds and lots of self-created goodies/learning games/activities. So for any donor looking, please know that I am investing a lot of my own money, time, and effort into these. I really believe in this project & the investment in my students' learning & families' lives.

Another Sleepless Night

It's just about 6 AM, & I've just been lying here waiting for a half-decent time to just get up. I did what the dr. asked of me now for three nights in a row. Put down school work, computer work & play, reading, t.v. everything and went to bed at a decent hour. What did it get me- yet another sleepless night. The past two nights were the worst I've had in a long while.

What am I doing wrong here God? I don't understand why I can't sleep. And even with the medicine that should have knocked me out, I couldn't get to sleep and kept waking up all night.

Now I've got to drag my butt into school yet again and fake my way through. I am telling you now God, I'm going to lie all day. "Yes, I'm fine." And I know that it is wrong, and I'm asking you ahead of time to forgive me, but I am NOT discussing it with anyone. I'm not talking to anyone about this, God- not anyone. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, let alone try to explain what is wrong with me when I don't even understand what is wrong.

God, I must be going crazy or being punished for something, or maybe I'm dying. I don't know, but I feel awful and don't want to keep going on like this. I'm trying so hard to keep a smile on my face, show You through my tired, laugh & be happy, see the positives in life, be a light for You, and not be a "gloomy Gus," but I am failing at that too.

God, even You had a need for rest when You rested on the 7th day. Why can't I sleep God? WHY????????????????????????

Today's thankfuls

Thank you God today for:

• a day of rest & not going to work
• a day with a nap to make up for less sleep last night
• a day home with my hubby & best friend
• a p.j. day
• a dr. who is really taking care of me & who takes the time to sit and talk with me and listen and really cares
• a family that loves me- though they may disagree with me
• great kids- though they may aggravate me, they're truly great young adults!
• a job which allows me to love little ones & provides me with a roof over my head, a warm shelter, & food to eat- even if it causes me stress, I know I'm blessed to have a job

I'm working on it God, I really am. I hope You, at least, can see & believe that I want to please You and be healthy.

Pondering

I've reached a decision about something. I have difficulty putting my views into words, and when asked about my "philosophy" on anything- well, forget it! Of course, as a teacher, that's a frequent question from administrators, professors, instructors....

But, after just over three years here in GCS, I'm ready to make one philosophical statement. As I sat in my workshop this morning (the 2nd Saturday in a row), I realized that my "philosophy" & the current one I'm seeing in this county is a mismatch. I can't figure out if it's my school, my district, my current state, or just the state of education with good ol' NCLB- which, by the way, I've decided to rename for "No Common-sense Left to Be found."

I left the workshop with some ideas, some stretching of my professionalism and level of teaching (which is always GREAT), but also feeling like a lousy teacher. There are so many things I know to do, want to do, & know that work, but in trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to do for this stupid county, my school, the powers-that-be, well at the end of the week, most weeks I just feel like I've failed.

I can hear some of my family and even my boss telling me that my less-than-best is still wonderful.... etc., etc., etc., but I am still so very, very frustrated.

I actually left today and drove home and cried all the way there thinking I should just quit being a teacher. But, I know in my heart I was meant to be a teacher. That I was wired by Him to be this and nothing else. I absolutely, with-everything-that's-in-me love my students and am so tied to so many children at my school. There is nothing else I am trained or skilled to do. Even if I did try to do something else (and I'm sure that is not what God designed me for), I couldn't make what I do now with all these years of experience and having to start over in a new field at the bottom of a pay scale. It kills me that all I really want to do is just teach my kids and help them go as far as they can go & be left alone. Why, oh why, can't I just do that?!?!

My to-do list grows exponentially daily, it seems. I work twice as hard or more just to keep my head barely above water. I hardly sit all day, and even my assistant worries and fusses at me to "slow down, Mrs. Thomas." By the end of the day & week, all I have to show for that running, hustling & bustling is a messy work space, a pile of copies to figure out & organize, a to-do list of materials to pull, make, create for the next week. And that's just the normal week. Poor Elba has to live in the same classroom with crazy, seemingly disorganized & chaotic me (and yes, I am a bit of those things, but normally not this much).

Then there are the beloved PEP's that I have to do now. I very stupidly went and told my principal how I really felt, and expressed how frustrated and tired I was. Then a few days later, she relates to me that I was in a "snit" and yeah, now I feel embarrassed, and disgusted with myself & ashamed of myself for doing what I thought was standing up for myself and my fellow K teachers. I did the stupid PEP's for kids who don't even need them (long story that only an AJE teacher would understand so I won't bore the two people who might be reading this), and got my report cards turned in two days late, and what now? Now I have a post-it note from the boss that I must do 5 more PEP's.

I am tired beyond words. I keep thinking I can't get more tired or worn out- physically, mentally, or emotionally, but then I keep going on somehow- well I know it's God, but still.
I am frustrated with myself (most of all), with coworkers, with a lot of stuff.
I am discouraged.
I am lonely- yeah, very lonely.
I am homesick.
I am sick, and sick of being sick.

I know God is bigger than all this, and to His hands I am placing my life & all this "stuff." I know He will bring me through and I will be a better person for it. Until then, I am not a very happy camper.

I'm very excited tonight because tomorrow half my class will start taking home the weekend homework bags I've made!!!! I've worked long and hard on this from writing the grant proposals and planning it all out this summer, to assembling materials, making learning games/activities, and writing it all out, getting the bags assembled and everything ready. It's been a LOT of work, but it will be well worth it.

If you'd like to see photos of some of the bags, visit here.


I have two weeks to get the rest finished- another 10 bags! Boy will I be busy but then I'll have to just refill and check bags each week!

Happy Friday to any & all!

Barbara Gets a Haircut

Barbara has had long hair for a long time; she decided to let it keep growing & donate it to Locks of Love in honor of her grandma, a breast cancer survivor. Today she finally got it cut. WOW does she look much more grown-up and SO MUCH like her aunt!!!

Last of the Day's Photos

Not sure what a cute caption for this would be, but couldn't resist posting the photo. I promise I wasn't holding Barbara back, and she didn't knock her daddy down.

A happy and beautiful Barbara returns home. :)

Homecoming 2008 @ Ben L. Smith

Photos from tonight's Homecoming festivities:

Dad waiting for his little girl

Dunamis is escorting Barbara out onto the field
Here they come- Dunamis has a great smile! :)

Awww, two good friends- aren't they cute!

My Beautiful Baby Girl

Tonight is the big homecoming game at Ben L. Smith High School in Greensboro, NC! Barbara has run for Homecoming Queen, and used her last summer paychecks to buy herself a beautiful dress. But the girl makes it beautiful. I know I'm her momma, but she is just a very beautiful person- inside & out!

Dropping her off at school tonight, I couldn't imagine this night long, long ago!!! How quickly it has all passed.

Just a quick photo or two before we left. She just looked so happy and beautiful.

Her good friends, Rita and Shaleesa, came over after school to help fix her hair and do her makeup. :) Such good friends they are!!!!

Going Back Up the Hill

Well, after a couple weeks of being overwhelmed and stressed- not to mention grumpy and discouraged- I felt better today- my moods that is. Thank GOD who truly is the "lifter of my head," and thank my wonderful daughter who prayed for me a couple times yesterday and whose prayers were answered.

I spent almost the whole weekend (don't fuss at me Momma) in my classroom, cleaning, moving, reorganizing, and preparing for this week. We'll see how I feel at the week's end, but as of today, I felt so much better about my room and the "stuff" going on inside it. I hated spending so much time there over the weekend, but if it helped me get more caught up and feel this much better, than it was time well spent. Tonight I was able (with Matthew's help- thanks kiddo!) to get a HUGE-MONGOUS pile of papers from last week checked and "stickered" and entered into my record book. Wait until Elba (my assistant) sees the pile of papers to sort into kids' mailboxes tomorrow. YIKES!!!!

We'll see how I feel after three days of after school meetings, but no matter what I thank God for giving me a better day today. The rest of the week will keep me hopping busy between planning meetings in 1st & K, running Barbara to find shoes for Homecoming, balancing my checkbook, paying my bills, getting a haircut hopefully, and attending the big homecoming game Friday night to watch my baby girl in her beautiful dress. :) It's going to be another crazy-busy, but hopefully better week!

I'm off to sleepy-land.
Night!
Rebekah :)

Disagree I Must

I have heard so many times in my life- from my young adult years to this past week- this little saying- "You can't love others if you don't love yourself." It's always been said to me in an attempt to make me like myself better or to convince me that I should "love" me or that I can't really love others with such low self-esteem....

I have thought about this so many times, and I have always disagreed with this, but I must say that the older I get, the more I disagree with this and the more strongly I disagree with it!

I think there is too much self-love & self absorption in our country, too much focus on loving ourselves, our interests, our wants & desires. I think people spend too much time thinking about themselves and not enough time on others. More time solving their own problems and not enough on helping others find solutions for theirs. I think people like to flatter themselves too much instead of looking for ways to help make others be lifted up and supported. Why does it matter if a person loves himself? Isn't/shouldn't it be more important that people put others before themselves? Wouldn't our world be a better place if everyone would think less of themselves and more of others?

I don't think a whole lot about myself, on a good day I tolerate me okay, but I absolutely-100%-with all that is in me- ADORE a whole ton of kids walking around my school, and a few other schools where I have spent time, not to mention my own three wonderful kids! I dare anyone to tell me that I don't really love them since I don't love myself!

When I said this to someone this week in this discussion about self-esteem & loving myself, the counter-reply was that I must, then, really love myself and just don't want to admit it. I almost have to laugh. Why does it really matter if I love me or not? I am not the important thing here. I am not of much value or worth- it is Christ!!!! He is the one who is important, He is the one whose love it is that comes through me.

When I look up loving yourself & others in the Bible, the only thing I find is "love your neighbor as yourself" not love yourself before you love your neighbor. And the verse that says "by this all men will know that you are My disciples- that you love one another"- it didn't say "that you love yourself." In fact, now that I'm looking this up a bit more, it says "I'm giving you a new rule- love one another, as I have loved you, that's how you should love other people..." (my paraphrase). Now I'm no spiritual genius or knowledgeable Bible scholar, but it seems to me that Jesus' example was to actually not love Himself. He was God and yet He gave up heaven, being worshipped and adored and served to be born to a poor family, to live a quiet, humble & simple life, to be "acquainted with sorrows" and to ultimately sacrifice & lay down His life for others.

So, I will disagree with this once again and always. Sorry to all those who have tried to convince me, but save yourself the trouble. I just disagree. I prefer to follow His example and love others instead of myself. To love me would be a low standard, but to love others- what higher calling could I seek to pursue?

Another Round of 1st's & Lasts

So begins the "beginning of the end" with Barbara. Another BIG year for me- Barbara's last concert, Barbara's last swim meet, Barbara's last year of high school....

And then there will be the "first's" that come with the "last's" too. Today was a first, my first time to go shopping for a dress for homecoming/prom... Of course it was my first and my last time for that as she's my only daughter, but it was just the tiniest taste of what it might be like someday when she is engaged. OH MY!

She has saved the last of her summer job paychecks to buy a dress and the other items needed for this. She is running for Homecoming Queen, and will find out Friday night at the big football game. So she & I went out today to find her a dress.

Here she is trying on the dress she ended up buying. Next weekend, I'll post pictures of the big fun this Friday.

tonight's rant

okay, i'm really not meaning to sound as negative as these past couple have- i think i'm going nuts or something because i have a good part of the day where i feel okay inside about what's going on in my room- there are certain parts of the day i feel like it's all "clicking" and then there are parts of the day where everything is driving me crazy and it's chaos (or seems that way to me) and this week it's been every afternoon that i just cry or want to cry and want this year to end so i can say it's over....

i hate when my emotions run all over the place- i want to be in control of those better

here are the things that are bothering me the most right now

• well-meaning people that i should be grateful for but who just end up annoying me
• comments that i guess are meant to point out what i should be thankful for, but end up ticking me off- who is anyone to point out what another person should or shouldn't be thankful for & by saying it to someone else aren't we kind of judging that person and saying that they aren't thankful- how do we even know what they are or are not thankful for....
• people telling me to "calm down" when i'm not "uncalm" just crazy busy and trying to keep it all done and stay one step ahead of the chaos that is my life right now- that really gets my goat!!!
• parents who dont' have the balls to come tell me off to my face but have no problem going to other teachers, other parents, my superiors and complaining and griping...
• parents who are asking for info & i can't even find a spare moment in my day to get them the info they want let alone call them back or write them a note without going back to school and working late & i do mean LATE after i get my own kids picked up and arranged and taken care of
• having to sacrifice my time with my kids- two of whom will leave me next year for their own adult lives and pursuits
• people who expect you to call them every single day and leave forty-two million messages for you
• parents who get mad at you or want an explanation for why there kid was only "satisfactory" instead of "outstanding" on their behavior today- PLEASE- when you have shoes being thrown at you or you are being screamed at or you are just trying to teach 19 K's & 1sts's and keep up with it all how in the world would i even remember something that small????
• feeling like i must be being rude to people because people keep treating me like i am - when i am not meaning to seem that way- i just am trying to keep it all together and done- let alone done well
• having to spend yet another friday night at school (which i will have to tomorrow) to just try to get caught up & this after i stayed at school last friday night until the God-forsaken hours
• having to be away from my husband so much and not even getting to spend time with my family - talking with them, joking with them (which is how we live- a group of wise guys always kidding around) just being home with them
• being told i have to leave my room and 'take a break" and then parents asking me when i will get the assessments done - like i haven't been trying to
• not having assessments done when i keep trying but have to keep stopping for the phone ringing, parents coming in, kids arguing and not doing their work & needing to redirect & reteach and help problem solve
• not being more organized or something- i try and try and thought i had it figured out last week and then it's just another big set of piles everywhere this week- i know my assistant has to be getting frustrated with all the stuff everywhere- it's driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, that's quite a list. the thing that is bugging me the most is that i truly, honestly try to be a happy & positive person. i think that i must not be showing my usual happiness because i am getting a lot of questions about "how it's going" and "are you alright" and "are you mad at me"- i'm guessing my stress and frustration is showing & what i really want to show is Christ- so once again i fail at the thing i want to do most.

the only thing i feel like i'm mostly getting right for the moment is that i am loving my kids and they are growing in their comfort with me. i get TONS of hugs and waves and smiles and "i love you signs" from my old kids, friends of old kids, and some kids i never even taught but who just come to get a hug or say hello to me for some reason. that is the only part of my day, my work life, my calling that i feel like i'm getting right.

oh please God, let me get this right- i so want to honor You.

hiding in my house from now on

last night's walmart run for collage stuff for my K's & 1st's art project today brought me the wondrous joy of hearing a group of people laughing at me and calling me a hippo as i was shopping in the same aisle with them. no, i was not being paranoid & no i was not being sensitive. i heard what i heard and barbara was there and can attest to the fact that they were laughing at me.

what did i do?- walked away, totally embarrassed, totally fuming mad- spouted off a few aisles away about fat people having feelings too, bought me a movie- Diary of a Mad Black Woman, came home and watched another "hippo"/fellow "Big Mama" character and laughed so hard- I needed that!!!

i'm thinking i need to stop going out into public except to go to church or work. and work, well these recent experiences have me thinking about that too. i just need to stay where i am and never leave- because at least now i've been there long enough that most people like me and see past the blubber butt to the skinny, nice girl inside- even if they can't see the skinny girl, they see the nice girl. if i start over somewhere else i'll have to "start over" on that too. i'm tired of this. mostly i'm tired of me.

i really am mental

i love this yoyo thing my head does to myself.

i can't stand myself
i HATE myself
i can tolerate myself
i almost like myself
oh, well if i almost like me or like me a little bit, just wait- i'm sure to find some reason why something is my fault or i did something just not right or failed someone......

repeat this over and over and over and over and over and over............ well you get the idea- a sure recipe for stupidity & failure in the whole confidence thing- yeah, that'd be me for sure! :)

mostly right now i am just very, very tired & disgusted with how i just seem to be barely staying afloat with so much work and effort or maybe i'm not really putting enough effort into it- i don't know. i just want my room to be perfectly wonderful all the time and when it's not- well i get really mad at myself

i feel like it is a yo-yo. i have moments in each day where i feel so great about the kids and what is happening at that moment - it just is wonderful- like today while we were on our weekly Wednesday Walk. the air was perfect, the temps just right, the sun shining, the kids having a blast, they were all holding hands and walking and talking and including me in the hand holding and it was fun then later, i feel like one student's behavior just ruined it all for me, and i'm frustrated beyond words that none of my "tricks" are making change in the behavior.

this pattern is repeated almost exactly this way each day. it makes me want to cry.........being sleep-challenged isn't helping either, and on that note, i should be in bed and not here, but i needed to get this down and out of my head (well, it won't be out of my head, but i know what i mean) goodnight rebekah, go to sleep self!

Giving My Heart Away

This week I thought my heart would break from love & sorrow at the same time. I didn't know it was possible to love so deeply and hurt so much for someone until I met certain students in my time as "Mrs. Thomas." There have been many over the years, and just when I think I can't love anymore, that's when another "diamond in the rough" comes through my classroom door. Though I love all the kids who have entered my classroom doors and they all mean something special to me, there are a few who take a piece of me with them when they leave me. These special few have left a tiny hole in my heart where I gave them some part of me, often without even realizing it, and that will never come back, nor would I want it to. Maybe they need that love and that part of me to help them, I don't know.

What I do know is this:

There was a kinderkid in my classroom last year who came to me late in the year. My first day with this child was rather memorable as he screamed and kicked and called me every name in the book and then a few and accused me of choking him... He was certainly a challenging young man! Those first few weeks with him were not much fun, but I could quickly see in him some great talent and potential. He truly is one of, if not the, smartest kid I have ever taught!!! But, as those few weeks we had left in the school year went on, I saw huge changes in him and in his behavior! He slowly began to smile a few times; he shared very deeply personal things with Kristen & I. He began to give us little gifts- a scrap of paper he had taped together, a feather or leaf he'd find, a coloring book from his house, little things that were really nothing, but were all he had. I'll never forget how he creatively took a pipe cleaner and fashioned a heart (or maybe it was a flower), attached a piece of tape and presented it to Kristen one day as a pin. She wore that all day, and the look of pride on his face was so deeply impressed into my mind. It meant so much to him to give us things like that- it was his love language and the only way he could show affection. He was not able to give hugs and had difficulty receiving hugs or compliments. He would often push us away after a moment of closeness, as if he were afraid to get to close or didn't want to open up all the way. He was a "tough" kid.

The one light in his life was that he had been told about God and would often tell us about the Bible and the Bible stories and lessons he had heard. He talked about a Bible video game he had and liked to play and about going to church. I always jumped on those opportunities to talk to him more and reinforce those ideas. He liked knowing that Mrs. Lanier & I both went to church and loved Jesus too. :)

He hoarded food in his backpack and would often come to school hungry or ask to take a snack home for later. When the year ended, I unloaded my whole snack box in that kid's backpack. By the end of the year, he was sometimes allowing me to hug him goodbye at the bus and I would sometimes even get a hug back. Oh it killed me to say goodbye to him at the end of the year and put him on the bus not knowing if I would ever see him again. I'll never forget when I said goodbye to him; I whispered in his ear and told him that I would always love him, would pray for him, and to never forget that Jesus loved him. He looked up at me, and said "I know Mrs. Thomas." He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and got on the bus.

Jump to this school year. He is now in first grade and seems to be doing very well. He hasn't shown any sign of behavior problems!!! I told his new teacher how smart he is, and this past week she told me she thought he was very intelligent!!! I'm so glad he has this going for him, and that he has a wonderful teacher who sees the potential he has! All summer, I prayed that his first grade teacher would see the good in him and would help him keep learning & growing! Every time I see him now, he is always smiling and he seems happier. He always waves the "quiet wave" to me, and I always wave back and give him the sign language "I love you" sign. At the Grandparents' Tea I went over and hugged him and told the guest with him how much he meant to me and how I'd love to take him home to be my little boy. He smiled and told me he wanted me to come see him in his room. I went over later as soon as I could get away for a minute. He of course, had a gift for me in his backpack- a page he had colored in his coloring book. He, once again, was smiling and happy that I accepted his small gift and that I liked it.

This week he asked his teacher if he could walk with me to the buses, and she allowed us to be "buddies." It was so nice to hold his hand and just talk a bit while we walked. He asked me why I didn't pick him to join my new K-1st class, and I tried to explain that I would have chosen him if it had been up to me. (In truth, he was one of the BIG reasons I wanted to move up to 1st with my class.) When we got to the bus, he looked up and asked me if he could give me a kiss on the cheek. I got two kisses, and I thought I would cry right there I was so honored to receive his love. The next morning, he stopped me on the sidewalk, and rifled through his backpack and told me had something for me. He couldn't find whatever it was, but he pulled out a video game magazine with his name on it and said, "This is for your son, Matthew." Then he pulled out a poster that might have been in the magazine and said, "This is for Robert." Both of these were well worn and were probably one of his few possessions; I felt so guilty about taking them from him. I tried to refuse, but you could just see that it would hurt his feelings, so I reluctantly did and thanked him, assuring him how much it would mean to my boys that he thought of them.

Last night, Rob & I worked late in my classroom, and I talked to him about these things and showed him these gifts. I cried. Rob likened these small tokens of love to the widow's mites in the Bible. That made me cry even more. How can I take these things from him knowing they are all that he has and that his life is so awful??? It is so deeply humbling to be the recipient of such love.

I have often asked God why I have to hurt for all my "kids," why do they have to suffer and go through so much. Rob told me last night that when I hurt for them, maybe, just maybe it takes a little of the hurt away for them. That maybe by carrying a burden for them makes their lives a little better. Oh, how that thought totally brings me to my knees and breaks my heart. Is it possible that by loving them I can truly make a difference? I really don't know how loving them and giving them hugs and snack and smiles and all those little things can make such a difference in a life so dark and dismal. But then I remember the verse that says, "Where sin abounds, grace abounds more." All I know is I was MEANT to be there for that little boy. And I am so thankful that I am there, so grateful for a chance to give my heart away to him and many others. So honored to be loved back that much.

God, please look out for my "kids" as they are Yours even more.

Fun Friday

What a week this has been!!!! I'm so very, utterly exhausted. I want to write more, but decided to copy an idea I found somewhere else for something fun to do on a Friday night. I mean, I really should be doing other things of much more importance like oh, say, making my new menu, balancing my checkbook, preparing my grocery list, lesson planning for two grades, writing my newsletter, reading my Bible might be good.... but what am I doing, nothing, absolutely nothing, just sitting here being a lazy butt and vegging my brain. Think I'll just call it a night soon and just go to sleep.



But for tonight- this "mosaic" was made w/ photos from flickr and each photo tells something about me.

• My name- Rebekah Rose
• What I am- a Christ follower
• My favorite color- BLUE
• My favorite food- chicken Parmesan
• Where I am from- Midwest (Illinois & Iowa)
• My favorite dessert- Momma's peach cobbler
• Dream vacation- a long cabin or camping trip up in the mountains
• Favorite flower- Mexican sunflower
• What makes me happy- children- my own & all the rest :)

?Goodbye Dexter? :(

It's 11 PM. I'm going to bed (my recliner) soon- this is the earliest I've gone to bed in a week. Oy! Dexter, our dog of 6 years, has disappeared. :( I sure hope he's okay and that he comes back soon, but he's been gone since sometime last night Rob thinks, so I am doubting he will return. I'm so tired and worn out that I can't even cry even though I want to.

God, please keep Dexter safe. If he can't come home, please help him to find a new home. If he's hurt, don't let him suffer.

Ready or Not- A New Challenge Awaits

Whew, what a day! I know it's Sunday, but I needed to put in some serious work time today in preparation to become a K/1 classroom by Tuesday. I thought I was going to make some fairly minor room changes, and to finish the organizational stuff I had started and not had time to finish. But, I ended up helping move things for the incoming 1st graders and still have all that organizing to do plus a pile behind my desk.

This week will bring a big challenge in the form of being a classroom with two grades. I'm a bundle of feelings over this challenge: excited, nervous, afraid of failure, anxious to prove myself, desiring to "nail" it and be awesome, overwhelmed... I keep going from feeling excited to work with 1st graders & grow my teaching skills to crying from being tired & overwhelmed. I am nervous about how both grade levels will feel about me and whether they will accept me. Now I'll be part of both teams and not full members of either one.

I know I will need to help the new kids make the adjustment to a new room, new teacher, new friends, and new routine as well as dealing with losing their loved teacher. I will need to help my K's understand the changes to our classroom & routines that we will now undergo. I will need to help my assistant by planning lessons, prepping materials, and helping her work with small groups & individual children. All the while, I will need to plan, plan, plan- lessons, materials, centers for two grades and I will need to think ahead and plan for all the routine, day-to-day procedures and little things that, if taught, make the day run smoothly. In a way, it will be like starting over. The problem here is that I have never taught this kind of combo grade class (though I have taught multi-age at-risk PreK, it's not the same), and I am inventing my routine, schedule, and procedures from scratch right as we speak.

I know we will all learn a lot this year- perhaps no one more than the teacher! I hope the kids and families will be patient with me.

No Matter What

Things at work are kind of in turmoil, and the last two days have been a roller coaster ride that I am not enjoying. I'd truly like to stay in my room & mind my own business which I try to do. It seems trouble just finds me. :) I'm struggling with my new class, and not enjoying school much at all right now. But no matter what-

From Mercy Me's album- Coming Up to Breathe-
Last One Standing

Don't you count me out 'cuz I've fallen down
I have landed down on my knees again
This is where I'll find the strength to carry on
This is where I'll find the strength to stand

I'm gonna be the last one standing
Fighting for something much bigger than me

The last one standing wants it more
Finding there's something worth fighting for.......

So, Rebekah Rose, you know those kids are worth fighting for- so fight the blues, fight the blahs, fight the tired, fight the stress, fight whatever you need to fight and fall on your knees and let God do the work in your own heart and keep on trying to be more like Him.

Good & Bad News

Okay, the good news first. No surgery!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I'm having some "leg involvement" in my back issues, but it's not too bad now and the surgeon doesn't feel the nerves are being pinched. So unless that issue would suddenly worsen, no surgery will help. That's great news!

Now the bad news- I have arthritis and degenerative disc disease, which just basically means my discs are starting to dry out and break down- proof that I'm getting older :). He feels this is the source of the pain. Although there is some bulging of the discs, this dr. feels it is minor at this point. So I have to try some arthritis medicine for a month, which will also mean having to start taking stomach medicine too as I have issues with things like ibuprofen or aspirin.

Though I don't (REALLY, REALLY, REALLY) don't want to have surgery- that thought was positively making me almost hyperventilate today- I was hoping for some solution that would make this all go away. Arthritis is not going to just go away, barring God taking it away, which He could so do but hasn't chosen to as of yet.

BUT, I am very, very thankful for no surgery, and I am continuing to ask God to take away the rest of the symptoms and problems and help me start to feel better. I hope by the end of the week to be feeling better enough to go for a walk here or at the Y. But then again, I just remembered that Hurricane Hannah is predicted to hit by then, so maybe I'll just wait & see. But soon I will start up trying again. Oh, and one more good thing from this- one less bill I have to worry about (or more like three or four if I had surgery!).

Not Much to Say

I kind of have the "blahs." It's been a while since I felt this way, and I'm ready for them to go. They've been creeping in slowly over the past couple weeks, and all the sudden they jumped up and waved hello to me.

It's the end of the weekend and time to go back to work in the morning. I just finished typing up lesson plans, my weekly newsletter, a grade level assessment & agendas for this month's meetings, plus a few other things. So many things to do, and I'm still not done, but I'm calling it a night.

Tomorrow I go to the surgeon. I'm dreading yet another dr.'s visit. :( But I'm praying it goes well, and this dr. is not rude, does not blow me off, does not make me go through a million other tests or do anything too terribly painful. If I have to have surgery I hope it can be done quickly but also not cause me to miss much work. I'm scared if I tell the truth.

I know things will get better and they could be so very much worse. I am thankful that I can look to the hills and know where my help comes from. And I'm thankful for my parents who I talked to this weekend and who helped me by encouraging me, teasing me, and just loving me. I'm thankful for the wonderful family I have here in NC with me without whom my life would mean so very little.

The Kids Reminisce

This morning, while we were eating, Robert started taking us down memory lane. He said something positive about how dad helped him learn long division when he was struggling to understand the concept. It was so funny, because my memory of that was not a "positive, dad helping and Robert learning" kind of memory. The memory I have of those lessons is of a much more painful, frustrating, aggravating, blood-pressure raising experience by both parents and son.

The other day when I picked Barbara up from school, she asked me "Mom, was I a bad little kid?" When I asked her why she would ask/think that, she said one of her teachers was talking about how few times she had to spank her own children, and Barbara realized that she got lots more than that. We were talking about that today too. We all laughed about their growing up and the good & not-so-good memories, but even in the not-so-pleasant ones, they talked very positively about it. They seemed to realize that they weren't perfect, but really good kids and that we were trying to help them.

As we all talked, it made me realize that my kids seem to view their childhood & their parents in a positive light, well at least most of it, it seems. That made me feel so much better to know that they remember their growing up years as good & their parents as not horrible, child-beating, screaming, ranting & raving lunatics. :)

I positively, absolutely, with-everything-in-me ADORE my children!!!!!!!!

Fat People Have Feelings

It's not my week for shopping! Earlier this week, the greeter at Walmart stopped Barbara & me at the door and did everything but out & out accuse us of stealing. She was just about to call for "backup" when our cashier even came down and vouched for us, at which point she got all ugly on the cashier too. She very begrudgingly let us go, but made it clear she thought I was stealing something- where she thought it was hidden, I don't know! It was a very unpleasant experience. Rob met us at Walmart after I called him, and he went in, walked right up to the greeter and told her she should "be nice" and showed her my receipt and then complained to management about it.

But today, I left Save-a-Lot, where I always grocery shop, in tears. I am either not going shopping anymore and let Rob do it all or I am going to print a sign that I wear on my backside when I shop. I mean it- I've had it!!!!!

Today, as I stood there with my daughter unloading our groceries onto the belt, the customer behind us and her daughter were talking about something. The daughter started to go behind us out of the aisle, so I tried to scoot up as far as I could so she could get by. Now I should also say that this was a teen aged girl who was not exactly thin herself, she was certainly chubbier than my own daughter would even think of being- a "big girl" herself. She took one look at me (not a nice look either) and turned back around and said something to her mom and they both started laughing loudly! Then she went to her dad who was a couple aisles over talking to someone and said something at which he said, "Yeah, have you ever seen one THAT big???" The people standing there all started laughing hysterically and looking my way. That was bad enough, but then he comes down to his wife, both look at me, and he says really loudly "No girl, yours isn't that big, neither one of you, not anywhere near that big. Didn't know they could be that big." He's looking right at me now. Again, this got big laughs from his wife, daughter, and all the other shoppers standing around. I was so embarrassed. I thought of some things I could have said, like "I'm fat, not deaf." or "Lard a---- people have feelings you know." or "Just because my a--- is big, doesn't mean I can't hear you or that I'm so stupid I don't know what you're talking about." It was humiliating!!!!!

I seriously want to rent a billboard, put pictures of HUGE people like me on it, and the words "Fat people have feelings too." Oh, it just hurts. I know I did this to myself, and I deserve it, but still. I would never do that to anyone.

First Days & Backaches

Made it through another "first day" of school. It was a rather stressful and eventful morning in my classroom with some screaming, hitting, kicking, and punching, but it will get better I know. I left today hunched over and trying to stand up straight and HURTING!!!!!!!!!!! I broke down and called the dr. to ask for something to help me make it until I see someone else... yeah, that didn't go so well. I have to just be tough and "be patient" until I can get an appointment with the neurosurgeon. I'm so sick of dr.'s visits, tests, and waiting, but I'm trying my best to be patient. Mostly I just want to feel good and be done with all these aforementioned items and the bills that come with them.

Signing off for tonight, this is one pooped K teacher,
Rebekah :)

God is so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the eve of another BIG medical appointment, with yet another new doctor, I'm not too terribly nervous, but I am dreading tomorrow. That combined with more work than I can get done in time for the first day of school and missing a big chunk of tomorrow's work day is not helping me any.

But of all places, God showed me a scripture on Facebook tonight as I did a quick check to see if I could raise my sister on there- I can't hardly believe it! This was just what I needed. I may not have caught my sister online, but I did find God. :)

Psalm 94:18 & 19 "When I thought, 'My foot slips,' Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul."

Meet Cinnamon

This is our new kitten, Cinnamon. Rob couldn't wait to get a cat (he's as bad as Barbara!), so he jumped at the chance when he found this unwanted member of a litter. He's a cutie- the kitten, not Rob. :)

Robert's 1st Tools

Robert has to have tools now for his electricity courses. So today, Rob took him to the store and was there to offer any help or advice while Robert got started making these purchases and getting ready for his not-so-far-off-in-the-future profession.

Oh, You Never Let Go

Friday night
seriously crazy busy week
a tiny bit of negative at work but thank God a lot of positives too :) - I'm focusing on the :)'s instead
nothing but running, driving, running, working, working, working
TERRIBLE pain
some not so good news
a hurting coworker/friend who I'm sorrowing for
homesick- wish I could hold my Momma's hand right now and lay my head on her shoulder
tired beyond words
missing two teacher/friends that I have come to love- both moving on to better things God has in store for them

I'll let these very true words from David Crowder Band's song- "Never Let Go" speak to my heart, and hopefully yours, tonight:

When clouds veil sun and disaster comes,
Oh my soul, oh my soul.
When waters rise, and hope takes flight
Oh, my soul Oh, my soul...
Ever faithful, ever true
You I know, You never let go...
When clouds brought rain and disaster came
Oh, my soul Oh, my soul
When waters rose, and hope had flown
Oh, my soul Oh, my soul...
Oh my soul overflows
Oh what love...
Oh, my soul fills with hope
Perfect love that never lets go
Oh, what love...
In joy and pain In sun and rain
You're the same Oh, You never let go

Thank You Father that You truly never let go- even when it seems that way or when I feel utterly alone and worn down, burdened and sorrowed for others. Thank You for Your love, Your hope, and Your hand.

Good night & Happy Weekend,
Rebekah :)

To my husband on our 20th anniversary

To my husband, Rob,

Today, August 20th, is our 20th anniversary. We don't have much and can't give each other a "real" gift, but here is my gift to you.

In these 20 years, we've grown up together, learned together, made a LOT of mistakes together, come to know each other, hurt each other, made three wonderful children together, grown closer than I could have EVER have imagined, cried together, laughed even more together, seen bad times & good times together, and truly learned what it means to be together and love one another through sickness and health, for richer or poorer.

Happy Anniversary Rob. Thank you for loving me, for being my best friend since all those years ago on our first date, putting up with me, staying with me, and understanding me better than I often understand myself. :)

20 Things I love about my husband (not in any particular order):

1. He loves God and is letting Him work on the "rough" spots in his heart
2. He makes me laugh, sometimes so hard I pee my pants :)
3. He is intelligent & can explain things to me when I "don't get it" (well, he can unless it's car stuff) :)
4. He is a "deep-end" thinker
5. He is an AWESOME dad!!!
6. He supports me in my life and my work & he understands the stresses of my work & "gets it"- the good & bad, the burdens I have for kids, the problems I face & see each day
7. He takes me on rides to the country sometimes when we can and we listen to worship music and talk and just enjoy each others' company
8. He understands the gobs of at-home schoolwork I drag home every night & weekend, and we do our schoolwork together
9. He has a terrific sense of humor
10. He loves our kids, totally & completely
11. He has become a good bass player & I love to listen to him play & to see him worship God at church in the worship band!
12. He still thinks I'm pretty - even though I know I'm really not
13. He makes me so totally, completely content & happy when I see him wrestle with Matthew, tickle & pester Barbara and make her giggle and squeal, cut up & joke with the boys and do one liners until we are all laughing hard!
14. He takes care of me- like right now he's back here fussing at me for staying up late when I should be going to bed. :) :) :) (Now you know what I've been staying up late doing for a night or two now. :))
15. He helps me in my classroom with all the good, silly, dumb, corny, and whatever else kind of projects I dream up- he's hung up more stuff for me, helped me move furniture, bought & assembled furniture and put up with me spending TONS of money on my kinderkids- and he's rarely ever complained, fussed, or grouched about it. :)
16. He went with me to all these dumb dr.'s appointments this year- when he never would have done that before- but he's been there for me through all these appointments, tests, and all, holding my hand and helping support me
17. He listens to me talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk (Momma thanks you for that I'm sure!)
18. He promised Momma that I would finish college when we got engaged & married, and he kept that promise.
19. He gave me three of the most wonderful children a mom could ever hope to have, and he helped me raise them into the terrific young adults they are now becoming!
20. He stood by me through thick & thin, when people advised us both to give up on each other & ourselves & our dreams, when we messed up big time and had problems that were just about insurmountable, when we were stupid, young kids who thought they knew better than others & we really didn't, when we were advised to get a divorce or have an abortion, or quit school, he stayed put and toughed it out with me.

Happy Anniversary Rob. I will always love you. I pray God allows us many more years to grow old together and closer than we are even now.

With all my love,

Rebekah :)

Long Way From Kindergarten

I remember watching my first born child say goodbye to me and walk down the hallway to his first day of kindergarten just like he was a big kid. He didn't want me to walk him to class, so I watched from the doorway of another classroom. So young and wanting to be so independent.

Today, I watched from the driver's seat of my car as that same big boy boarded a city bus (another first & something I've never even done) to leave and go to his first day of college. I prayed with him on our way to the bus stop, and I sat there to make sure he got on the right bus and that everything was okay before I left. Okay, I know that might be silly, but we live in a city of over 200,000 and the sun was not even up yet, so I didn't want to leave him sitting alone in the dark at a bus stop. At least that's my excuse.

Now I sit here wondering how his first day is going, how he is doing, is he understanding everything alright, is he feeling overwhelmed or nervous, does he like his prof and the class, is he excited, and about a million other things.

Today, I'm so proud of the young man he's grown up to be, so proud of him for knowing what he wants to be & do and going on to tech school to make that happen. But inside, where no one can see, there's a little piece of me that wishes it hadn't happened so fast. It sure is a long way from that first day of kindergarten.

Turning it Around

Okay, for the record, this lesson direct from heaven did not come because I was actually complaining, griping, or otherwise belly-aching, it just came because God must have known I was going to need it later this weekend.

Now, on to the lesson I want to record and have here to reread, relearn, and remember. :)

While grocery shopping I was joking around with the cashiers at the store where I shop. They know me not by name but because we come every week or two, spend a LOT, and I always have a slave, um I mean a kid with me :) - they take turns going with me on grocery days. The managers even know who I am and ask about the different kids when they aren't with me. This time I was alone (which NEVER happens) and the manager commented about that. It's kind of funny, actually. I digress.

There was a gentlemen behind me in line unloading his few groceries as I was paying. I started to jokingly offer to trade him bills as my receipt printed out about 4 feet long (a whole rain forest gave its life for my receipt). I've done this before and always gotten a laugh from somebody, but something stopped me. Now for anyone reading, please know that I have griped about many, many things in life, but NEVER my grocery bill. I really don't like paying a million dollars a month for food, but it doesn't really bother me and I have never complained about it. I love my kids and husband and don't mind spending a lot for food for them & of course for myself.

Anywhooo, something stopped me and made me think that maybe this gentleman would actually like having more people to buy for, that maybe he is alone and doesn't have anyone else to spend his time and money on. I didn't say anything but just stood there thinking about how blessed I am. As I told the cashier my usual, "goodbye, have a great weekend" bit, I said a silent prayer to God and told Him thank you for having to spend a lot of money on groceries, for it means that I am blessed with a family. As I left the grocery store, I really began to think on this mini-lesson God dropped into my lap. This idea can be spread out in my life to a lot of other things, and I started thinking of things that I might have viewed negatively in the past. I started a list in my mind, then got home and started putting things away and went on.

Move ahead a few hours. Rob & I went to help a couple of teachers and their family load up two houses & a storage bin into a U-Haul for their move to West Virginia. I was teary as we were getting close to leaving, and thinking about how I HATE saying goodbye, and I HATE how I finally get a friend and they leave and how I have to say goodbye, yet again, to someone I care about. I was feeling kind of lonely and bummed, but then my Saturday morning lesson just "popped" into my mind. Yeah, God, I'm listening. I get it.

So, I am turning things around and thinking of my life in different terms now.

Thank you God for:

• a big grocery bill every month, for it means that I have a family to love & who loves me
• a big grocery bill, for it means that I have a job & income to pay for this food- there was a time in my life when I didn't have the means to buy food for my family and where Rob & I went without & I NEVER want to be there again
• the "goodbyes" for it means that I was able to say "hello" to friendship, even if for a short time
• tears of sorrow, for it means I have experienced joy & happiness & I know I will again
• aches & pains for it means I am alive and able-bodied and I have those "parts" to be achy
• being angry with my children, for it means I have kids to love and teach and raise and who have & will give me great joy- even if it is not right now :)
• the blah feeling & the sorrow I have right now about going back to school, for it means that I had some time (even if it wasn't enough) to spend with my family and stay home
• the early mornings and the crazy-busy schedule, for it means I have a job and a family to take care of

There's more to this list rambling around in my head, but this is really deep & I wanted to get it down somewhere for when I do forget. This way I can come back here & re-teach myself something God showed me.

Thankfully His,

Rebekah :)